- 2 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:36Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
00:38I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:40In the news this week.
00:43House Speaker reacts to shirtless Jacob Lorty
00:46in Wuthering Heights.
00:47I think that that should give all of us
00:51cause to pause and think,
00:53hmm, I wonder what this is about.
00:55Substitute teacher sees right through your little antics.
00:58I see, we switched up our seating chart.
01:00CDC releases new vaccine guidelines.
01:02I'm not scared of a germ.
01:04You know, I used to snort cocaine off the toilet seats.
01:08On Emerson tonight, he's a journalist,
01:10and this year he was chosen as one of Forbes 30 Under 30,
01:13so I'm hoping he can put in a good word for me
01:15for Forbes 40 Over 40.
01:17It's Aaron Parnas.
01:22And joining Michael,
01:24he is a legendary Canadian actor and comedian
01:27who is a co-founder and star of Kids in the Hall,
01:30and we were charged a 6% tariff just to bring him here.
01:34Scott Thompson, everybody.
01:39Now, for the biggest stories of the week,
01:42Amber, Erin, please watch the clip
01:45and tell me what is this story?
01:48This is Pam Bondi testifying about Epstein,
01:52and she talked and talked and talked
01:55and didn't say shit.
01:58The story is Pam Bondi in Trump's Department of Justice.
02:01The DOJ has America saying WTF,
02:04and it all starts with a certain PDF file
02:06full of PDF files.
02:10On Wednesday, Attorney General Pam Bondi
02:12appeared before the House Judiciary Committee
02:14to answer questions about her handling
02:17of the Epstein files,
02:18and Bondi was nothing but a professional.
02:23No, I'm going to answer the question
02:24the way I want to answer the question.
02:26Your theatrics are ridiculous.
02:26No, you're going to answer the question
02:27the way I asked it.
02:28Chairman Jordan, I'm not going to get in the gutter
02:30with these people.
02:30You don't tell me anything.
02:32Oh, I did tell you,
02:33because we saw what you did in the Senate.
02:35You're a lawyer.
02:35Not even a lawyer.
02:36I'm talking, I'm talking, quiet.
02:39Don't yell at me.
02:40Didn't ask Merrick Garland anything about Epstein,
02:42not once, when he was...
02:44Weak sauce.
02:45And also...
02:46You got to give Pam Bondi this.
02:48She's good at spinning some shit.
02:51You don't get that good overnight.
02:53That's hours of, like,
02:54complaining at McDonald's and Home Depot.
02:57What I really love is this one woman's facial expression.
03:00It just says it all.
03:02Why was Pam Bondi in front of the Judiciary Committee
03:06in the first place?
03:07Because the DOJ wouldn't release the Epstein files
03:09the way they should have.
03:11Redaction, redaction, redaction.
03:12That's all you got.
03:13Yeah, Congress was granted access
03:15to unredacted versions of the Epstein files
03:18for the first time,
03:19but they hit some roadblocks.
03:22Question.
03:23What's been standing in the way of Congress
03:25gaining full unredacted access
03:28to the Epstein files?
03:30First of all, the Department of Justice,
03:32and if you want to see them as a congressperson,
03:33they've got four computers.
03:35Four computers.
03:36There's four computers,
03:38so it would take many months
03:41to actually have the time.
03:44You know, I only had a few hours.
03:45I think the transparency argument
03:48is really kind of a sham
03:49because it's not really possible.
03:50Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
03:51Did you have to wait to get a computer?
03:52It is not possible.
03:54Four computers.
03:56Like the library, bitch.
03:58Like, you just...
03:59My library has more than four computers.
04:02I gotta be honest.
04:03Turns out Congress can only look at the files
04:05between 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. on weekdays,
04:09and they have to give the DOJ 24 hours notice
04:11before they look at them,
04:12and only members of Congress
04:14are allowed to look at the files
04:16and log in and read them.
04:17What is the average age of a member of Congress?
04:19It's like 87, 88, something like that.
04:22They don't know how to use computers.
04:24What is the one thing
04:26that's making matters even worse
04:28once they've accessed the file?
04:29Is it that they're scratch and sniff?
04:33It's because the DOJ is tracking
04:35which members of Congress looked at the files,
04:38and they're tracking which files they looked at.
04:41We have learned from this photo
04:43that the searches that members of Congress are performing
04:46are apparently being tracked
04:48and then read by the Department of Justice,
04:52by the Attorney General.
04:53If you look at the photo from inside Bundy's binder,
04:56you can see she literally has a list
04:58of everything that Representative Jayapal searched for.
05:01One congressperson even clocked
05:03what she was doing as it happened.
05:06I'd like to see you flip
05:07to the Jared Moskowitz section of the binder.
05:10I'm interested to see what staff provided
05:12on the oppo on me,
05:13and because we're in the Olympics,
05:15I'm gonna give it a grade.
05:16I just wanna see how good it is.
05:19So give me your best one.
05:20So first of all, nothing is funny
05:22about mocking the Bible
05:24and holding up a Trump Bible.
05:26That's what you did.
05:27You made a joke, and I find a fence for that.
05:29That's all I have to say here.
05:30I want it from the burn book.
05:31Shame.
05:31I want it from the burn book,
05:32which is the best one.
05:33What you got?
05:38Maryland Rep. Jamie Raskin didn't think
05:40there was anything fun
05:42about Pam's peaking, though.
05:43It is a violation of the separation of powers
05:46for them to essentially be monitoring
05:48our computer searches on the Epstein file.
05:52So I think it's outrageous
05:54that they would do that,
05:56and it's Orwellian,
05:57and we're gonna have some more
05:59to say about it soon.
06:00I mean, Mike Johnson and his son
06:02monitor each other's porn usage,
06:05so this seems fine.
06:07Bondi continued to blow up
06:09throughout her testimony,
06:10and what was the most damning moment
06:12for A.G. Bondi during this hearing?
06:15When she was finally honest
06:16and was like,
06:17look, I love to protect pedophiles.
06:21It's what I was hired to do,
06:22and I'm gonna do it,
06:24and I'm gonna fight anyone
06:25who says I can't.
06:28Do you remember that part?
06:31I do.
06:33I must admit,
06:34I was flipping between that and the Olympics,
06:35so I must have missed it.
06:36There was a moment where all the survivors,
06:38about a dozen of them,
06:39stood up, right?
06:40And they all looked at Pam Bondi,
06:42and Pam Bondi didn't look at them once.
06:44That moment right there,
06:45I think,
06:45ends her tenure as Attorney General.
06:50Points for Aaron!
06:53Why would anyone ever expect Pam Bondi
06:56to make a stand against assault?
06:58She made a big show
07:00right at the beginning
07:00of the administration.
07:01We're gonna get out these files,
07:03and she gave them to a bunch
07:04of right-wing influencers,
07:06and she was making
07:07a whole big deal of it.
07:08The reason why it's so shocking
07:10that Pam Bondi
07:11is against defending victims of assault
07:13is because she said she would
07:16in 2014
07:17during this campaign act.
07:19Florida ranks third nationally
07:21in calls for help
07:22for human trafficking,
07:24where young women and children
07:26are enslaved and abused.
07:28I'll fight to put human trafficking monsters
07:31where they belong,
07:32behind bars.
07:33Pam Bondi,
07:35our Attorney General.
07:38That's our Attorney General,
07:39you're booing.
07:45I'll put human traffickers
07:47behind bars.
07:48By bars,
07:49I mean little black bars
07:51on sheets of paper.
07:53Bars are slimming.
07:55They are.
07:55Yes.
07:56That's what they told me
07:57when they put me in jail
07:58the first time.
08:00Here's Pam saying
08:01what we should be talking about instead.
08:03The Dow is over $50,000.
08:06I don't know why you're laughing.
08:07You're a great stock trader,
08:08as I hear, Raskin.
08:09The Dow is over $50,000
08:12right now.
08:13The S&P at almost $7,000.
08:17And the NASDAQ smashing records.
08:20Americans' 401ks
08:22and retirement savings
08:23are booming.
08:25That's what we should be talking about.
08:28What does the Dow have to do with anything?
08:29That's what they just asked.
08:31Are you kidding?
08:32The stock price of $50,000.
08:35The market did fall below $50,000
08:38after she finished testifying.
08:41You were at that hearing, right?
08:42I was right outside.
08:43They didn't let me in.
08:44Did you speak to the survivors?
08:46Yeah.
08:46And what can you share
08:48about what they said
08:49after the hearing?
08:50They're horrified, right?
08:51They're horrified.
08:52It's not just Pam Bondi.
08:54It's been five administrations.
08:55It's been several departments of justice.
08:58They just want justice.
08:59And instead,
09:00they get their own witness statements
09:02that they told the FBI,
09:03and it's all blacked out.
09:04They can't even see their own documents.
09:06Wow.
09:06Right?
09:07So they're horrified.
09:09Bondi wasn't the only
09:10Trump administration official
09:12to testify about Epstein this week.
09:14Commerce Secretary Howard
09:16Lutnick answered questions
09:18about his relationship
09:19with the apex pedophile
09:21before a congressional committee
09:23this week.
09:24What did Howard have to say
09:25about his association
09:26with Epstein?
09:28That it was nothing.
09:31Why are you even talking about it?
09:33Barely, barely knows the guy.
09:35Yes, they spent a lot of time together.
09:39Here's Lutnick.
09:40I did have lunch with him
09:42as I was on a boat
09:43going across on a family vacation.
09:45My wife was with me,
09:48as were my four children
09:50and nannies.
09:51I had another couple
09:53with, they were there as well
09:55with their children.
09:57And we had lunch on the island.
10:00That is true.
10:00For an hour,
10:01and we left with all of my children.
10:05He knows how bad it is
10:07because he felt the need
10:08to say that he left
10:10with his children.
10:12If I,
10:14if I go to a friend's house
10:16for lunch with my kids
10:18and I'm telling somebody about it,
10:19I then don't say,
10:20and my children left too.
10:22Who's actually facing consequences
10:25for their connections
10:26to Epstein and being in the files?
10:28The royal formerly known as Prince.
10:31That's one of them.
10:31Oh, that's true.
10:32When you say Prince,
10:33you got to put Andrew
10:33right behind that immediately.
10:35Right, right.
10:36The black people know.
10:37You don't just,
10:39you don't just go
10:40formally known as Prince.
10:41You're like, no!
10:44There's a bunch of Brits,
10:45I feel like,
10:46who are in a lot of trouble.
10:47Oh, you got the ambassador,
10:49Mendelssohn.
10:49You got the sultan from Dubai
10:51who has just resigned today.
10:53Wait, sultans can resign?
10:54Well, I think his first name's Sultan.
10:56Oh, okay.
10:58That's right, baby.
10:59Get up.
11:03And then there's Elon Musk.
11:06Who's Elon Musk
11:07been coming for this week?
11:09It's Steve Bannon.
11:09That sounds so right, Aaron.
11:11I want to trade teammates.
11:13Yeah.
11:15It is Steve Bannon.
11:17Despite being mentioned
11:19in the files himself,
11:20Elon's been tweeting about
11:21human mucinect blob,
11:22Steve Bannon.
11:24And Bannon's all over the files.
11:26He and Jeffrey Epstein
11:28have a selfie together.
11:29And in 2019,
11:30the same year Epstein
11:32went to jail for the last time,
11:34Bannon texted Epstein
11:35an offer to rebuild his image
11:38by producing a documentary
11:40about what a great philanthropist
11:42he is.
11:44Yes.
11:44The name of that documentary?
11:46Melania.
11:50Pam Bondi might not be interested
11:52in what Epstein's victims
11:53have to say,
11:54but some of those victims
11:55sat down with NBC News
11:58just after the hearing.
11:59So there's the crimes
12:00of Jeffrey Epstein,
12:01and then there's the crimes
12:02of the cover-up.
12:04And she's part of
12:05that continuing cover-up.
12:07So she didn't apologize
12:08for that.
12:08So like, oh, the theater,
12:10and then like, yes,
12:11you're the main character
12:12in this.
12:13The circus act.
12:14Yes.
12:15She was a comedian today.
12:17Really well said.
12:17Yes.
12:17Everyone was laughing at her.
12:18Do you believe
12:19they did the best they could?
12:24Do they not know
12:25the Dow is at 50,000?
12:28Michael and Scott,
12:29watch the clip.
12:30Tell me, what's the story?
12:31All right.
12:32Bitcoin,
12:33so that's fake money
12:34and fake people.
12:37And that's a flag of a...
12:38Puerto Rico?
12:39No, I don't think so,
12:40but good guess.
12:41Is that the flag
12:41of Puerto Rico?
12:42No.
12:42Oh, that's Trump's tie.
12:43Yes.
12:44Okay.
12:44So we've got...
12:45Is Bitcoin the same
12:46as Doge?
12:49I don't know much
12:49about finance.
12:51Right.
12:51Yeah.
12:52Or apparently anything.
12:53Not really.
12:55This has something
12:56to do with Trump's...
12:57AI.
12:58It's AI.
12:58All right.
12:59We're going to go
12:59with AIs.
13:01The story is
13:02Trump got elected
13:03a second time,
13:04looked around
13:04at all the people
13:05who wanted something
13:05from him,
13:06and he hit him
13:06with that famous line
13:07from Jerry Maguire.
13:08I didn't shoplift
13:11the pooty.
13:15It's supposed to be
13:16show me the money.
13:19According to
13:20the New York Times,
13:22Donald Trump has made
13:23$1,408,500,000
13:26off of this presidency.
13:29Yeah.
13:30Question.
13:31What has been
13:32Trump's biggest
13:34moneymaker
13:35since he became
13:36president?
13:37Well, it's not
13:38the Melania movie.
13:39Nope.
13:40Is it his Bitcoin?
13:42Yeah.
13:43It's his crypto.
13:44What is that?
13:45Instead of real
13:46dollars that are
13:48in your pocket,
13:49Bitcoin is imaginary money.
13:51It's on the Internet.
13:53You can't really
13:53spend it at a lot
13:55of places,
13:55nor does it do
13:56a lot of stuff,
13:57but it is real.
14:01I mean,
14:02it's all just a bunch
14:03of gold bars
14:04somewhere, right?
14:04Are we getting
14:05into a conversation
14:06about financial
14:07architecture right now?
14:08Yes.
14:10In Sumerian times,
14:11people...
14:12No.
14:13So, according
14:14to the New York Times,
14:15since taking office,
14:16the Trumps have made
14:17at least $867 million
14:20through various
14:22cryptocurrencies.
14:23In 2024,
14:25while Trump
14:25was between
14:27presidencies
14:27and on trial
14:28for all the crimes
14:29and all of that stuff,
14:30a lot of banks
14:31didn't want to do
14:32business with the Trumps.
14:33So Don Jr. and Eric
14:35went around
14:35to all the banks
14:36and they started
14:37a company called
14:38World Liberty Financial.
14:40They did that
14:41with a friend of theirs,
14:42Zach Woodcoff,
14:43and that's Zach
14:44seen here
14:45celebrating
14:45Black History Month.
14:48And Eric and Don Jr.
14:50basically formed
14:51this dollar-pegged
14:52stablecoin
14:53called USD1.
14:55We all know
14:55what a stablecoin is.
14:57Of course, Michael,
14:57why won't you explain it?
14:59A stablecoin
15:00is a cryptocurrency
15:03that holds horses.
15:05Exactly.
15:07That's right.
15:08The difference
15:09between a stablecoin
15:10and other forms
15:11of crypto
15:11is that a stablecoin
15:12is tied to an actual currency,
15:14so it's more likely
15:15to hold its value
15:17and not see as many
15:17peaks and valleys.
15:18So Trump's
15:19World Liberty Financial
15:21essentially gets a cut
15:22of every sale
15:23involving their coin,
15:25and they get a cut
15:26of the interest.
15:27So here's a fun
15:28multiple-choice question.
15:31Which nefarious-sounding
15:32global player
15:33has a huge stake
15:35in Trump-run
15:37World Liberty Financial?
15:39Secretariat.
15:44Is it
15:44Sheikh Tanun Ben-Zayed
15:46al-Nayan,
15:47a.k.a.
15:48the spy Sheikh,
15:50Boris Rusnikoff,
15:51a.k.a.
15:52the KG Beast,
15:54or Toshi Yamamoto?
15:57Number one.
15:58Oh, number one.
16:00Trump would never
16:01get involved
16:02with somebody
16:03from the UAE
16:05called the spy
16:07Sheikh.
16:08That would not happen.
16:09It was okay
16:09because he got involved
16:11four days before
16:12he took office,
16:12so he wasn't president.
16:13Oh, well then,
16:15it's fine.
16:15Yeah, how about that?
16:16Oh, I shouldn't be
16:16fighting you.
16:17We're on the same team.
16:20Yeah, it's
16:21Sheikh Tanun Ben-Zayed
16:22al-Nayan,
16:24a.k.a.
16:24the spy Sheikh,
16:25seen here
16:26right after he took out
16:27his last Invisalign trait.
16:30He's a member
16:31of the royal family
16:32of the UAE
16:32and oversees
16:33a $1.3 trillion
16:35empire,
16:36making him
16:37one of the most
16:38powerful single investors
16:39in the world,
16:40and here's what went down.
16:42Just days before
16:43Trump's second inauguration,
16:45the journal reports
16:4549%,
16:46nearly half
16:47of the Trump family
16:48crypto company
16:49World Liberty Financial
16:50was purchased
16:51for $500 million
16:53by Sheikh Tanun
16:54Ben-Zayed al-Nayan,
16:56sometimes referred to
16:57as the spy Sheikh.
16:58The journal reporting
16:59the Trump family
17:00earned an upfront payment
17:01of an estimated
17:03$187 million
17:04in the deal,
17:04with another $31 million
17:06reportedly going
17:07to the family
17:07of Trump's
17:08Middle East envoy
17:09Steve Witkoff.
17:10Spy Sheikh,
17:11invest a bunch of money
17:12in the Trump situation,
17:14what do you think
17:15he got in return
17:17for that investment?
17:19AI, AI.
17:20A thank you note?
17:23Months later,
17:23the Trump administration
17:24approved something
17:25the Sheikh and others
17:26in the UAE
17:27long coveted,
17:28the sale of hundreds
17:29of thousands
17:30of cutting-edge
17:31American artificial
17:32intelligence chips
17:33to that country,
17:34a move the previous
17:35administration blocked
17:36where the state-of-the-art
17:37technology could be sold
17:39or smuggled to China.
17:40I don't think
17:41he's going to do
17:41spy shit with it.
17:42No, of course.
17:43Why would I?
17:44His name is ironic.
17:48The $1.4 billion
17:49Trump has made
17:50off his presidency
17:51isn't all from crypto.
17:53Oh.
17:53He still spent
17:55the second term
17:56making some of his money
17:57the old-fashioned way.
17:58My new Trump fragrances
18:00are here.
18:01I've named them
18:01Fight, Fight, Fight
18:02because they represent winning.
18:05We all want to be winning.
18:06We have to win as a nation.
18:08We want to win as a family.
18:09Get yourself a bottle
18:10and don't forget
18:11to grab one
18:12for your loved ones, too.
18:14They'll thank you
18:15and they'll even smell good.
18:28Welcome back.
18:29It's time for the
18:29Offender Meter.
18:30Teams have to tell us
18:31who's the offender,
18:32what they did
18:33and who they offended.
18:35Offender on the screen,
18:36please.
18:37Who is this offender?
18:39That's the skier
18:40from the Olympics
18:42who said,
18:43hey, you know,
18:43I'm not necessarily thrilled
18:45with everything that's going
18:45on in the U.S. right now.
18:46Right now, right?
18:47Yes, yes.
18:49Hess?
18:49Hess is Hunter.
18:50Yes, Hunter Hess.
18:52Yes, that is Olympic
18:53freestyle skier Hunter Hess,
18:54not to be confused
18:55with his brother,
18:56Gatherer Hess.
19:01Hunter offended
19:02Senator Rick Scott,
19:05seen here just before
19:06outlawing dancing.
19:09You remember them
19:10zombies in I Am Legend?
19:11Yes.
19:12Yes.
19:13Yes.
19:14Oh, yeah.
19:15Exactly.
19:15Hunter offended Rick Scott
19:17by speaking out
19:18about representing
19:19the United States
19:21in complicated times.
19:22Just listen.
19:23It brings up
19:24mixed emotions
19:24to represent the U.S.
19:26right now, I think.
19:27It's a little hard.
19:29There's obviously
19:30a lot going on
19:31that I'm not
19:32the biggest fan of
19:33and I think
19:33a lot of people aren't.
19:34Just because I'm wearing
19:35the flag doesn't mean
19:36I represent everything
19:37that's going on
19:37in the U.S.
19:41While you're so busy
19:43looking at all
19:43that patriotism,
19:44what y'all missed
19:45in that picture
19:45was a dude
19:46sitting next to him
19:46named Burke Irving.
19:48That is such a great
19:50broadcaster name.
19:51I'm Tim Johnson
19:52alongside the fabulous
19:53Hall of Famer
19:54Burke Irving.
19:54Burke.
19:55Get ready for some
19:56exciting football action
19:57today.
19:58Now, how did Senator
19:59Scott respond
20:01to that measured
20:02statement?
20:03Very calmly.
20:05He told him
20:06the stock market
20:08is at $53,000.
20:10Here's for Scott
20:12being very offended.
20:14Any person
20:15who goes to the Olympics
20:17to represent
20:18the United States
20:19and then says
20:20they don't want
20:21to represent
20:21the United States
20:22should be immediately
20:24stripped of
20:25the Olympic uniform.
20:26So that I can
20:28inspect their bodies.
20:32And Senator Scott
20:33wasn't alone.
20:34Donald Trump joined
20:35into the fray,
20:36of course.
20:36Trump called his
20:37quote,
20:38a real loser
20:39with a capital L
20:40and said it's
20:41very hard to root
20:42for someone like this.
20:44Yeah.
20:45It's also what he said
20:46about rob on traitors.
20:48All in all,
20:49Americans at the Olympics
20:51are struggling
20:52with their reputation
20:53just like those at home,
20:54but they're certainly
20:55not the only ones
20:57having a weird time
20:58at the Olympics.
20:59Does anyone know
21:01how the Norwegian
21:03biathlete
21:04Sterla Holm
21:05agreed
21:06reacted
21:07when winning
21:08a bronze medal?
21:09He's the cheater.
21:10What happened
21:10with the Norwegian
21:11biathlete?
21:12You shout it, Aaron.
21:13I think he's the cheater,
21:14right?
21:15But not...
21:16Oh, my God!
21:17He didn't cheat
21:17at the sport.
21:18So this is what
21:20I heard.
21:22This man,
21:23while he was being
21:25interviewed
21:25after he had won
21:27or lost,
21:28who gives a shit?
21:29Because the lady
21:30is interviewing him
21:31and he's like,
21:32yeah, I did what I could
21:34and I cheated on my wife!
21:38I'm so sorry!
21:40Aired their dirty laundry
21:42at the Olympics.
21:44Ain't no way
21:45she's taking him back.
21:46So he gets a bronze medal
21:48in the biathlon
21:49and first, of course,
21:51you get the interview
21:52and you thank your family
21:53and your country
21:54and the supporters
21:55and then the reporter
21:56simply asked him,
21:57how do you feel
21:59about winning
22:00a bronze medal?
22:01And he said...
22:03For et halvt origin
22:03som vette
22:04mitt livs kjærlighet
22:05er verdens vakreste,
22:07fineste person.
22:10Uh...
22:11Og på tre måneder siden
22:11så gav meg største tabbe
22:13og var utro mot henne.
22:15This is a Wendy's, bro!
22:17Maybe he wouldn't
22:18have gotten bronze
22:19without cheating.
22:21Maybe he should
22:22have cheated more.
22:23Yes!
22:24Guilt is a powerful
22:26fuel.
22:27It definitely fueled
22:29my career.
22:29Question on to the panel.
22:31Should this woman
22:32take him back?
22:34No.
22:37Amber, you's a women's.
22:38Would you take back
22:39somebody after a
22:40beautiful, grand gesture?
22:42This is supposed
22:42to be my moment
22:43and I made it about
22:45reconciling with you.
22:46I might take back
22:48someone after cheating,
22:49but not after
22:50everybody knows
22:52people who don't
22:53know us
22:54know you fucking
22:55around.
22:56I don't think
22:56he thought that
22:57that was the way
22:58back into her good
22:59graces.
23:00I think he was
23:00just overwhelmed
23:01with guilt.
23:02It would be very
23:02funny if she
23:03goes out tonight
23:04and fucks somebody
23:06who won a silver
23:06medal.
23:12Let's see your offender.
23:15Who's this offender?
23:16Uh-oh.
23:17That's Carney.
23:18That's your leader.
23:19Yeah.
23:19Oh.
23:20I might know
23:20something.
23:21You know this one?
23:22No, I know who he is.
23:23Okay, who is it?
23:24That's Carney.
23:25Okay, that's Canadian
23:26Prime Minister Mark Carney.
23:27Yes.
23:28Who did he offend?
23:29Me?
23:32I'll take it.
23:33Oh, Trump.
23:34He offended Trump
23:35because at the speech
23:36in the WEF, right?
23:38Yes.
23:38He made that
23:38beautiful speech.
23:39Yeah.
23:40Yes.
23:41One for me.
23:43One for me.
23:44One for me.
23:46Yes.
23:47That is Canadian
23:48Prime Minister Mark Carney.
23:50Carney offended
23:51Donald Trump
23:51by building a bridge
23:52between Winter
23:53Canada and Detroit,
23:54Michigan.
23:54And if that doesn't
23:55sound offensive,
23:56you're not alone
23:57because Trump's reaction
23:58was just watch
24:00the Fox Business Club.
24:01A new battle
24:02over a bridge crossing
24:03between Detroit
24:04and Ontario
24:05has fueled
24:05the mayor of Windsor
24:06to call President Trump
24:08quote,
24:08insane.
24:09I love this.
24:11It's the Gordie Howe
24:12Bridge, right?
24:13Yes.
24:13But Gordie Howe
24:14is like one of the few
24:15things that I feel
24:16like America and Canada
24:17can share upon.
24:18He's a Canadian-born
24:19hockey player who
24:20made his name
24:21for himself in Detroit.
24:22Question to the panel.
24:23What is Donald Trump's
24:24problem with this bridge?
24:27This is what I heard.
24:29The bridge that's there now,
24:33he makes no money off of.
24:36Ooh.
24:37And that's why
24:38he doesn't like it.
24:39Trump claims the United States
24:40is being taken advantage of.
24:41In Iran on Truth Social
24:43Monday,
24:44the president said,
24:45quote,
24:45they own both the Canada
24:47and the U.S. side.
24:48And of course,
24:49they built it with virtually
24:51no U.S. supplies.
24:53And here's Canadian
24:54Prime Minister Mark Carney.
24:57explaining what he told
24:59our president.
25:00I explained that
25:01Canada paid for
25:02the construction of the bridge,
25:03that the ownership
25:04is shared between
25:05the state of Michigan
25:06and the government
25:07of Canada,
25:08and that in the
25:09construction of the bridge,
25:10obviously there's
25:11Canadian steel,
25:12Canadian workers,
25:12but also U.S. steel,
25:14U.S. workers
25:14that are involved.
25:15I don't believe him.
25:17In that same post,
25:19what did Trump claim
25:21China has planned
25:23for Canada?
25:23I know this.
25:24Tell him.
25:24He says that China's
25:26going to cancel
25:27the Stanley Cup.
25:29Yeah, it's true.
25:32They're going to stop us
25:33from playing hockey.
25:34That's right.
25:35Which is easy for me.
25:36Trump said, quote,
25:37the first thing China will do
25:38is terminate all ice hockey
25:41being played in Canada
25:42and permanently eliminate
25:44the Stanley Cup.
25:45Yeah.
25:46He will also eliminate
25:47sex scenes from heated rivalry.
25:52I don't know what
25:53that show is.
25:53I just trust the writers.
25:56Now, even though
25:57Trump's post seems like
25:58it came out of
25:59a book of Canadian
26:00Mad Libs,
26:01Trump may have
26:02an actual reason
26:04why he opposes
26:05the bridge.
26:06Didn't a other
26:08bridge builder meet
26:09with Trump's
26:10commerce secretary
26:11a few hours before
26:12this rant
26:13on Truth Social?
26:14Points.
26:16Yeah.
26:17It's because
26:18a Republican donor
26:19owning a competing bridge
26:21wants to keep
26:22making toll money
26:23from the bridge
26:24that already exists
26:25and they believe
26:26the new Gordie Howe bridge
26:27will draw some
26:28of the toll dollars down.
26:29So on Monday,
26:30a billionaire named
26:31Matthew Moran
26:32had a meeting
26:33with the secretary
26:33of commerce,
26:34Howard Lettnick.
26:36During the meeting,
26:37he allegedly lobbied
26:38the administration
26:38to oppose
26:39the Gordie Howe bridge
26:41and just hours later,
26:43wouldn't you know it,
26:44it's Truth Social
26:45O'Clock, baby.
26:46But he took 25%
26:48terrace off it
26:48in the very middle
26:49so as soon as you
26:50cross halfway
26:51you fall into the river.
26:54That was a
26:54Fendimeter.
27:07Welcome back.
27:09Let's do like Curious.
27:12I'll give you
27:12three biographical details
27:14about a public figure
27:14but only one is true
27:15and you have to guess
27:16which is the truth
27:17and which are
27:18wonderful lies.
27:20Time for three facts
27:21about New York
27:21congressional candidate
27:22and JFK's grandson,
27:25Jack Schlossberg.
27:26Kind of looks like
27:27all the white people
27:28from Stranger Things
27:29mashed together.
27:30Our facts about Jack are
27:32eats a can of sardines
27:34a day.
27:35He once got stuck
27:36in an escape room
27:37overnight.
27:38He holds a patent
27:39on a musical frisbee
27:40called the Frisubi.
27:42Team Michael,
27:43which one is the truth?
27:43Damn it.
27:44I want it to be
27:44for Zubi so badly.
27:46Me too,
27:46but I think it's two.
27:47You think he got stuck
27:48in an escape room?
27:49Yes.
27:50I think he's still there.
27:52All right,
27:52we're going with two.
27:53Team Amber.
27:54Don't he look like
27:55a sardine-eating man?
27:57I think we want
27:58to go with one.
27:59Jack Schlossberg
28:00eats a can
28:02of sardines a day.
28:04Jack told
28:05the New York Times
28:06that he eats
28:07quote,
28:07just about a can
28:09of sardines
28:10every day.
28:10That's the
28:11Heathcliff diet.
28:13That wasn't it.
28:14Now,
28:15Jack's famous
28:15for his flamboyant
28:17presence on TikTok.
28:18Question,
28:19who did Jack say
28:20is the most beautiful
28:21woman in the world?
28:23Amber Ruffin.
28:25According to
28:26Jack Schlossberg,
28:27this is the most
28:28beautiful woman
28:29in the world.
28:30This one goes out
28:31to Usha Vance,
28:32the most beautiful
28:33woman in the world.
28:34Whenever you're ready,
28:35I'm here for you.
28:36And that she's
28:37back in the atmosphere
28:39drops of Jupiter
28:41in her head.
28:43This isn't the way,
28:44Usha.
28:46Was he joking?
28:47Or was he
28:48shooting a shot?
28:49Was he trolling?
28:51What was that?
28:51It's the fault
28:51of the Young Politico.
28:52You're of the TikTok world.
28:54What was it?
28:55He's running for Congress.
28:56That's what it was.
28:57If only he'd had
28:58a Frizzubi
28:59to do his singing
29:00for him.
29:02I mean,
29:02but Jack is a very
29:03charismatic figure,
29:04and to your point,
29:05Aaron,
29:05he is running
29:06for Congress,
29:06so you have to have
29:07a different approach
29:08to social media.
29:09Draw attention
29:10to yourself,
29:11because Jack really
29:12likes to go off
29:13on TikTok.
29:14Take a look.
29:15Da-da-da-da-da-da.
29:17Charge!
29:20Are you sure
29:20you want to
29:21close the border?
29:23Because then
29:23you're stuck with me
29:25and my army.
29:27My army of
29:28little freaks.
29:31Wouldn't you like
29:31to see him
29:32question Pam Bondi?
29:34He might be the next
29:35representative
29:36of New York's
29:3712th Congressional District,
29:38which, by the way,
29:39includes this very
29:40broadcast studio
29:41here in Manhattan
29:42that we're sitting in
29:43right now.
29:44Does anyone know
29:45what big endorsement
29:47Jack secured
29:48this week?
29:49Nancy Pelosi.
29:51Holy...
29:52That's my teammate
29:53right there.
29:54Nancy Pelosi said
29:56in a statement,
29:57quote,
29:57this moment calls
29:58for leaders
29:59who understand
29:59the stakes
30:00and how to deliver
30:01for the people
30:03they serve.
30:04And if there's
30:04one thing
30:05Jack Schlossberg
30:06knows how to do
30:07is serve.
30:08Hey, everybody,
30:09don't give up
30:09on your...
30:15That's not what
30:16your people
30:16can do for you,
30:17but why you can
30:18be in a Walmart
30:19now, fuck.
30:21Time for three facts
30:22about Kentucky
30:22congressmen
30:23and a man
30:24whose skull
30:24is 20% too large.
30:27James Comer.
30:28Our facts about
30:29James are
30:30he went to college
30:31on a jazz dance
30:32scholarship.
30:33He was a baby model.
30:35He had a pet kangaroo
30:37as a child.
30:38Which one is the truth?
30:40Look,
30:41he got a big head
30:43and that's
30:44baby model material.
30:46100%.
30:46You know?
30:47Team Michael.
30:48I want to go
30:48against type here.
30:49Yeah, I'm going to go
30:50with jazz dance
30:51scholarship.
30:51We think he had
30:51a jazz dance
30:53scholarship.
30:53Yes, we do.
30:54James Comer
30:55was a baby model.
30:56What?
30:57As he posted
30:58on his Instagram,
30:59Comer appeared
31:00with his younger
31:01brother in a 1975
31:02ad for Youth
31:04Fashions
31:05in Thompson'sville,
31:06Kentucky.
31:06First off,
31:07them two kids
31:07look haunted.
31:09Them look like
31:10the kids should be
31:10in the hotel
31:11and then they just
31:12be in the hallway.
31:12She doesn't like it
31:14when you open
31:14the door.
31:16Got on them
31:17polio overalls.
31:19James Comer's
31:20in the news this week
31:21because he's the chair
31:22of the House
31:23Oversight Committee,
31:24which in two weeks
31:25will be holding
31:26depositions featuring
31:27Bill and Hillary Clinton.
31:29Seen here
31:30in happier times.
31:33Panel,
31:34what is Bill Clinton
31:35suggesting
31:36for his Epstein
31:37deposition?
31:38He wants a show.
31:39He wants a show?
31:41He wants cameras.
31:41Bill Clinton says
31:42that he wants
31:43his Epstein deposition
31:44to be a public hearing.
31:46Clinton said last week,
31:48quote,
31:49let's stop playing games
31:50and do this the right way
31:51in a public hearing
31:52where the American people
31:53can see for themselves
31:54what this is really about.
31:56He also said,
31:57quote,
31:58I have called
31:59for a full release
32:00of the Epstein file.
32:02Don't say full release
32:03when you say Epstein file.
32:06Don't say that.
32:07This has been
32:08Lycurious.
32:08More after the break.
32:20Welcome back.
32:21It's time for
32:22Missing Words.
32:24Here's your headline.
32:25Waymo admits
32:26that its autopilot
32:27is often blank.
32:29Waymo admits
32:30that its autopilot
32:32is often on autopilot.
32:34It's often in Manila?
32:35Ooh.
32:36I think that's true.
32:37Yeah.
32:38Waymo admits
32:38that its autopilot
32:39is often just guys
32:41from the Philippines.
32:42I told you,
32:42Manila, you're all right.
32:43I told you.
32:44During testimony
32:45before Congress last week,
32:46Waymo's chief safety officer
32:48noted that when
32:49the company's robo-taxis
32:50encounter an unusual situation,
32:53they may request
32:54real-time input
32:55from a remote response agent.
32:59Human,
33:00please control this thing
33:02from way over
33:02on the other side of the earth
33:04with your PlayStation controller.
33:06Question,
33:07what did one Waymo
33:08in Los Angeles
33:09do recently
33:10that might count
33:11as an unusual situation?
33:14It kidnapped someone
33:15and drove them
33:16to the Philippines?
33:18In Los Angeles,
33:20a Waymo hit a child.
33:23No.
33:23Oh, yeah.
33:23In late January,
33:25a Waymo in Santa Monica
33:26hit a child
33:26during a drop-off
33:27at a local school.
33:28Everybody was okay.
33:29Here's the more amazing thing.
33:31The local parents
33:32truly don't give a shit.
33:33I think that
33:34those types of incidents
33:36are going to happen.
33:38Lots of cars
33:39have incidents
33:40with people in them.
33:41Some of them
33:42are driven by robots.
33:43If it was a regular car,
33:44a regular person,
33:45they may not have
33:45been able to stop.
33:46Got to check her car
33:48for teeth
33:48in the front bumper.
33:50Now, of course,
33:51having a robot
33:52controlled by a person
33:53isn't always a bad thing.
33:55Sometimes you have
33:56a robot controlled
33:57by a person,
33:57and you get great
33:58videos like this.
34:05It's like the robot
34:07felt the pain.
34:07It's beautiful.
34:09Here's your headline.
34:10Local bar owner
34:11forced to eat
34:12blank for one month.
34:14Fried pickles?
34:15Olives!
34:16Taco Bell.
34:17Local bar owner
34:18forced to eat
34:19Wendy's chili
34:20for one month.
34:22Oh.
34:23In January,
34:24Larry Shea
34:25of Binghamton, New York
34:26bet that if
34:27golfer Scotty Scheffler
34:28won the American
34:29Express Golf Tournament,
34:31he would eat
34:32nothing but
34:33Wendy's chili
34:34for a month.
34:35And wouldn't you know it,
34:37who won the tournament?
34:40Yes!
34:41Scotty Scheffler
34:42has done it again.
34:44Oh, Scotty,
34:45what have you done?
34:47Wendy's chili
34:49for a month.
34:50I think I could do it.
34:51I could, too.
34:52Now, Larry's been
34:53a good sport about it
34:53so far.
34:54Here's Larry
34:54with the update
34:55halfway through
34:56the challenge.
34:57Eleven days in,
34:58it's taking its toll.
35:00Breakfast chili
35:00is not something
35:02I recommend.
35:03I just wish
35:03I could have crackers.
35:05Oh, my Lord,
35:06I wish I could have crackers.
35:07If you would have told me
35:09who does Larry look like,
35:10that's what Larry
35:11would look like.
35:12Yeah.
35:13Here's your headline.
35:14Blank terrorize
35:15Wisconsin town.
35:17Cheese curds.
35:18Yeah.
35:18That's right.
35:19I bet.
35:20My baby said
35:20cheese curds.
35:22And your baby is wrong.
35:24Dang it.
35:25Over here.
35:25Chupacabra?
35:26My baby said
35:28chupacabra.
35:29That's right.
35:30And your baby is wrong.
35:35Wait, it's squirrels.
35:38Wild turkeys terrorize
35:40Wisconsin town.
35:42Here's the story.
35:43Wild turkeys are attacking
35:44people in the
35:45Janesville neighborhood.
35:46People in the area
35:47say the birds are
35:48chasing postal workers,
35:49blocking traffic,
35:50even going after kids.
35:52At first,
35:53I love wildlife.
35:53The turkeys were cool.
35:55You know,
35:55they brought,
35:55you know,
35:56life to the neighborhood.
35:57As it's developed,
35:59they've become a nuisance.
36:01If you didn't know
36:02that was about turkeys,
36:03and I just showed you
36:04that clip,
36:05you would guess
36:06immigrants are black.
36:07Yeah.
36:10You'd go,
36:10who is he annoyed by?
36:11You would not guess.
36:12Well,
36:13surely there's turkeys.
36:15You'd think Canadians.
36:17But to be fair,
36:18in that father's defense,
36:19these are some
36:20very tough turkeys.
36:21Lawrence Meyer caught
36:22this incident on camera.
36:25Wild turkeys chasing
36:26down a postal worker.
36:28Our cameras also caught
36:30the flock chasing
36:31down a rental truck.
36:33And another mail carrier.
36:37That's what they created
36:38Sandra Groundless for right there.
36:40That was missing words.
36:42More after the break.
36:53Welcome back.
36:54It's time for
36:54Witch's Hire.
36:55I'll give you two
36:56unrelated numbers from the news.
36:57You tell me,
36:58Witch's Hire.
36:59Now, this is a
37:00Valentine's Day weekend,
37:01of course.
37:02The only holiday
37:03where you can go to
37:04Walgreens to get candy
37:05and then return to Walgreens
37:07later for a pregnancy test.
37:11Now, that brings us
37:12to the question,
37:13which is higher?
37:15The price of a bouquet
37:16of 100 long-stemmed roses
37:18from 1-800-Flowers
37:20or this five-inch-tall
37:22Swarovski crystal shred?
37:25Team Amber.
37:26I feel like a dozen roses
37:28cost $50.
37:30On those websites,
37:31double it.
37:32Really?
37:33Yeah.
37:33It's about 70
37:34for a dozen.
37:35How do you know
37:36how much a dozen roses
37:37cost for?
37:38Are you buying
37:39a dozen roses
37:40for somebody's worth?
37:41Not this year.
37:42I have been known
37:43to apologize.
37:47I'm going to say
37:48the bouquet of roses
37:50costs $780.
37:54Okay.
37:54And I think
37:55the Shrek
37:55costs fucking $1.99.
37:58Who wants that thing?
37:59That's Swarovski.
38:01It's Swarovski.
38:01It's Crystal.
38:02It's Swarovski.
38:03Okay, Team Michael,
38:04which one do you think
38:05it's higher?
38:05We think it's
38:06the Crystal Shrek.
38:07We think Crystal.
38:07We think a little
38:07Swarovski Crystal Shrek.
38:10All right.
38:10The price of a bouquet
38:11of 100 long-stem roses
38:12from 1-800-Flowers
38:14is $529.99.
38:16The price of a 5-inch
38:18tall Swarovski
38:19Crystal Shrek
38:20is $750.
38:22Ah-ha!
38:23Oh.
38:23So the price
38:24of the Crystal Shrek
38:26is higher.
38:28So Crystal Shrek
38:29sounds like the name
38:30of a stripper
38:32from a questionable
38:34strip establishment.
38:36If you really want
38:37to impress somebody
38:38and get them
38:38some real crystal,
38:40you can spring
38:41for the Marvel Avengers
38:42display,
38:43which features
38:44approximately
38:4563,000
38:47hand-laid crystals.
38:49Can anyone guess
38:50how much
38:51the Crystal Avengers?
38:53I want to say
38:53close to $10,000.
38:54I want to say
38:54$7,500.
38:56Yeah.
38:56$15,000
38:57is what we say
38:58and we mean it.
38:59Correct.
39:00Oh, are you saying
39:01it's more expensive
39:02than that?
39:02Think of all
39:03of the labor.
39:03Every one of those
39:04little encrusted
39:05crystals was laid
39:07with little bitty
39:09tweezers
39:10and a little bit
39:10of glue.
39:11$27,000.
39:13Add a zero
39:13to our guess.
39:14$2 million.
39:17$2 million.
39:18And that's
39:19in Dogecoin.
39:20Yeah, in Doge.
39:20In Doge.
39:21The Swarovski
39:22Crystal Avengers
39:23cost $42,000.
39:26It's worth it.
39:27Look at this
39:27picture, ma'am,
39:28and tell me
39:28that don't look
39:28like Chris Evans.
39:32Holt looked like
39:32he just heard
39:33how much
39:33this shit costs.
39:36Now, your true love
39:37doesn't have to
39:38give you crystal
39:39to show you
39:40that it's real.
39:40They'll appreciate
39:41the little things
39:42like this 10-karat
39:43gold Shrek pendant
39:44covered in cubic
39:47zirconia
39:47for $2,428.75.
39:52It kind of looked
39:53like James Comer
39:54with the gold china.
39:55That was Witches
39:56Hire.
40:06Time for a game
40:07called
40:08Who That Baby?
40:09I'll show you
40:10a famous person's
40:11baby picture.
40:12Tell me
40:12who that baby?
40:14Here are your clues.
40:16They attended
40:16Santa Monica High School.
40:18Oh, no.
40:19They are married
40:19to a podcaster.
40:20They're an architect
40:21of the Trump administration's
40:23family separation policy.
40:25You're telling me
40:25that's what he looked like
40:26before he went bald?
40:27You know who it is.
40:28I do.
40:29Who That Baby?
40:30Stephen Miller.
40:31Yes, indeed.
40:32Homeland Security Advisor
40:33Stephen Miller.
40:35Stephen Miller has,
40:36of course,
40:37devoted a lot
40:37of his time
40:38to kicking people
40:39out of the United States,
40:41but he also spends
40:41a lot of time
40:42thinking about space.
40:44Does anyone know
40:45what science fiction series
40:47the Homeland Security Advisor
40:49grew up a fan of?
40:51What science fiction show
40:53was about Nazis?
40:55Battlestar Galactica.
40:57Battlestar, you got it.
40:58Star Trek Next Generation.
40:59Stephen Miller
41:00is a lifelong Trekkie,
41:02and according to a classmate
41:04in the Vanity Fair profile,
41:06Miller, quote,
41:07really liked this kind
41:08of macho alpha male thing
41:09that was going on
41:10with Captain Kirk.
41:12There's even a photo
41:13of Stephen as a young man
41:14wearing a Starfleet uniform.
41:16There he is,
41:17getting ready to go to prom.
41:19That was Who's That Baby?
41:21I want to thank our guests
41:22Aaron Parnas and Scott Thompson,
41:23and of course,
41:25team captains Amber Ruffin
41:26and Michael Ian Black.
41:28Before we sign off,
41:30here are a few more stories
41:32we're watching.
41:33Man realizes the guy
41:35he was making fun of
41:36is right behind him.
41:41Rising gas prices
41:43forced co-workers
41:44to commute together.
41:48I'm Roy Wood Jr.,
41:49and I'll see you next week
41:49for another episode
41:50of Have I Got News For You,
41:51and don't forget
41:52to delete your Epsen files
41:55from your browser history.
41:57Good night.
Comments