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00:04Congratulations, Major Shaw, on 20 years of distinguished service in the United States
00:09Army.
00:10I insisted on being here today in front of your friends and family to bestow this honor
00:15upon you and take it away from Colonel Quinn.
00:18Well done, Major Shaw.
00:20Thank you, sir.
00:22Thank you so much.
00:23All right.
00:24Woo!
00:25Hell yeah!
00:26Happy 20 years!
00:27Happy 20 years!
00:28Happy 20 years!
00:29Happy 20 years.
00:29I can't believe it.
00:31In my two decades, the American military has won and abandoned so much of the Middle East.
00:36But what's made it worthwhile are the friends and family I've made along the way.
00:40Like all of you.
00:41Aww.
00:41Now, I know how much you like the movie Up.
00:43I do.
00:44I got 80 more of these in the van.
00:45You want to see if I can get lift off in a high-ceiling room or what?
00:48I was hoping you'd say that.
00:50We're doing it.
00:50I know how much you love nasty grandma candy.
00:54Oh, hard candy wreath?
00:55Yeah.
00:55My favorite, including all the best flavors.
00:58Brown, light brown, and beige.
01:00Yes!
01:00Guys, this is too much.
01:02No, it's not.
01:0220 years is deserving of an honorable gift.
01:07The singing cactus I sent you so many TikToks about?
01:09Is it the one that's inappropriately somber?
01:13Um...
01:13It is the one.
01:17It is the one.
01:18Aww.
01:18This is just what I wanted.
01:20I didn't know this was a thing.
01:22So...
01:23You're traditionally not into things and...
01:26Oh, it's...
01:26You know, it's not a thing.
01:27It's not a thing.
01:28No, it's a big thing.
01:2920 is not just a big thing.
01:31It's the biggest thing.
01:31Yeah.
01:32It means you get your pension and your lifetime healthcare.
01:34And more important than anything else, really, the respect and acknowledgement of Mua.
01:42A challenge coin?
01:43Yeah.
01:44Six different colors.
01:46You guys, thank you for all the gifts.
01:48I love you, man.
01:49Yeah, we can't watch it.
01:50Oh, also, I forgot.
01:52I got you, um, this.
01:53It's a matcha, and I just tried a little bit of it to make sure it's not too cold.
01:58I held it until the ice melted.
02:01Mm.
02:02You got him a drink.
02:05Mm.
02:06That you already drank.
02:08Uh, this is gonna hit a spot, thanks.
02:10Aw.
02:12Do I have to drink it?
02:35Oh, are you packing for your camping trip?
02:38Celebrating Major Shaw's 20 years?
02:40It's a rite of passage.
02:41Yeah.
02:42I think it's great that the two of you get to spend some time together.
02:45One last hurrah.
02:47What are you talking about?
02:48Now that he's hit 20, he's considering retirement and has met with the transition officer at Baumholder.
02:54I don't believe you.
02:54I think you're lying.
02:55You know, this is privileged information that you cannot act on, which makes it more fun for me.
03:02Yeah, yeah.
03:03Hey!
03:03Oh, hey!
03:03General Davidson, didn't realize you were still here.
03:05Major Shaw didn't realize that you were still here.
03:07What?
03:07Hey, you know what?
03:08I was just checking the weather about our trip tonight, and it looks, it looks crazy.
03:12There's a cold front coming in.
03:13It's gonna rain, and now they're saying snow.
03:15So I think maybe we should move it, like, six months to the summertime.
03:17You'll be here, right?
03:18I already got permission from Celeste for tonight.
03:20Not that I need her permission, because I am my own man.
03:22I do what I want to do.
03:23Sure.
03:24You know, but I'll check the calendar.
03:25All right.
03:25Great.
03:25Summer.
03:26Six months from now.
03:27Well, what about 12 months?
03:28Well, the app doesn't go that far.
03:29I have a feeling that the weather will be even better in 12 months.
03:33It's a feeling.
03:33That's not the app.
03:34What weather app are we looking at?
03:36Just answer the question.
03:38The...
03:38Okay.
03:39Uh...
03:40Well, the weather looks pretty great right now, so why don't we give tonight a shot and
03:43just see how it goes, maybe?
03:44Smart.
03:44Keep your options open.
03:47Okay, so then I'll see you tonight, Colonel, or in 12 months, maybe 18 months, because
03:50I don't know what's happening here.
03:51Okay.
03:54I hope I haven't ruined your trip.
03:56Oh, you haven't ruined my trip.
03:57It's the camping trip where I convince Shaw to become a lifer.
04:01The only thing that's going to convince Shaw of is that he should have retired five years
04:06ago.
04:08You need a hobby, sir.
04:11This...
04:12is my hobby.
04:13Huh.
04:16I know you loved seeing Celeste completely blow it in front of her husband, who you're
04:20secretly in love with.
04:21No, I did not.
04:22I really would like one side of the love triangle to be happy, right?
04:26What?
04:27Good to...
04:32Oh, yeah, come in.
04:33Sit down.
04:34Can I ask you guys something?
04:35Of course.
04:36Okay.
04:37Do you think that Abe was upset that, like, didn't do more for his 20th?
04:41No.
04:42No.
04:42In fact, I think he might be upset at the idea of you being upset.
04:47More than he could be upset.
04:48Oh my gosh, yeah.
04:48I feel like that totally summarizes our whole relationship.
04:51We're constantly misinterpreting each other.
04:52I'll think he's, like, mad, but really he's just hungry.
04:55And then I'll think he's hungry when really he just wants to make a baby.
04:59Yeah, straight couples are crazy.
05:01I really want to make it up to him.
05:02I know he really loved those presents, especially that little cactus.
05:06Did he say that?
05:06I can tell.
05:07Can you?
05:08Or maybe he's hungry.
05:10I was hoping I could run some ideas past you guys.
05:12Yep.
05:13We're actually busy.
05:14We're so busy.
05:15Give us a list.
05:16How about a hot stone massage?
05:18Oh.
05:18I take some rocks from our yard, preheat the oven.
05:20Okay, hold on.
05:21Outside rocks?
05:22Mm-hmm.
05:22Yeah, those are jagged.
05:24Like, you need special stones.
05:26Special training certification.
05:28What if I made us dinner?
05:30Lovely.
05:30Well, that's better than rubbing on them with rocks.
05:32Yeah.
05:33Dinner in bed.
05:35Mm-hmm.
05:35Bed.
05:35Yeah, and I'll make his favorite spaghetti and meatballs.
05:37That sounds like a wet meal for bed.
05:40Mm-hmm.
05:40Like, too wet.
05:41Yeah, wet bed.
05:42Or, you know, even speaking of a dinner, you could plan a dinner with his friends.
05:46That is such a good idea.
05:47I don't know why I was overthinking it.
05:48Yeah, do that.
05:49Yeah, great.
05:49Do that.
05:50Mm-hmm.
05:52Would you guys help me plan it?
05:54Hm?
05:55Because my marriage is kind of on the line.
05:58Oh.
05:59Yes.
06:01Of course.
06:02Yes.
06:03Yes.
06:03Yes.
06:03We would love to help you.
06:05You're going to save this marriage.
06:07We are going to save this marriage.
06:08We are going to save this marriage.
06:08Yeah, we are going to be on.
06:09Yay.
06:10Save your marriage on three.
06:11One, two, three.
06:12Save your marriage.
06:15Great.
06:17All right, pal.
06:17Tonight is all about us, the woods, and some knives.
06:21And some whiskey, and some axes, and some guns, and a small cannon.
06:24A cannon?
06:25You won't find that in a civilian job.
06:27No, you won't.
06:28Well, I guess it varies state to state.
06:30Yeah, all I know is that I'm really looking forward to some time in nature to clear my head.
06:33You know what I mean?
06:35Thanks, pal.
06:35What are you doing?
06:36What?
06:37Oh.
06:37Who's driving?
06:38Me.
06:39Yeah, it's one of the perks of the 20-year club.
06:40You don't have to drive anymore.
06:41Hey.
06:42Don't worry.
06:42He's going to stay in the van.
06:43Okay.
06:43Yeah, yeah.
06:44That's fine by me, man.
06:46So I finally finished Game of Thrones for the second time.
06:50Oh, yeah?
06:50So I'm going to binge the Bible.
06:51Ah.
06:51Complete unabridged audio book.
06:53Did you know it's the highest selling book of all time?
06:55Mm-hmm.
06:56Did know that, yeah.
06:56Sold more copies in Da Vinci Code, which is also about Jesus, so I guess it's extended Bible
07:01universe.
07:01You mean Christianity.
07:02No spoilers.
07:04Let's go.
07:07Oh!
07:08Oh!
07:08Oh!
07:09Oh!
07:10Oh!
07:10Oh, man.
07:13What are you doing here?
07:14Well, what you said about keeping Major Shaw in the army got me thinking.
07:18Oh, so you came to help me.
07:19Hell no.
07:20No, no, no.
07:20I just realized how much Shaw means to you, so I'm going to make sure you fail, and at
07:25the end of this desperate attempt, he decides to retire.
07:30Guess what?
07:30What?
07:31You're not invited.
07:31Being top of the chain of command, I get to invite myself wherever I wish to go.
07:36As a matter of fact, I crashed nine weddings this year and didn't bring a single gift.
07:41Oh, and also, I've invited a couple of lifers along that, uh, you know.
07:47Who?
07:47Come on, man.
07:49Merkel and Funt?
07:50Mm-hmm.
07:50They're going to ruin the whole trip.
07:52Mm-hmm.
07:53Funt never talks, but his body makes so many noises.
07:57Let's go, boys.
08:01Colonel.
08:01Lieutenant Colonel.
08:02And Major Karisma.
08:04Ha, ha, ha.
08:05What a treat.
08:05Slide over.
08:06Oh.
08:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
08:07Okay.
08:07You're coming along, too?
08:09Absolutely, because we're going to have some fun, my friend.
08:19Yep.
08:20You think the army made a man out of you now?
08:22Wait till you become a lifer.
08:23When you reject civilization completely on all its temptations, that's when your body allows you to get into peak physical
08:29condition.
08:30All right.
08:35Ooh!
08:36That was fun!
08:37Why don't we fight with these anymore?
08:39Because we're lost as a society.
08:51And now, the Bible, written by God, read by Hank Azaria.
08:56In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
09:00Now the earth was formless and empty.
09:02Darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
09:08Let there be light!
09:10And there was light.
09:12Damn, that's a hell of a start.
09:15You're right.
09:16This is much better than doing it in bed, but we can still do our favorite, spaghetti and meatballs.
09:20That's so funny.
09:21I've never seen him eat that one time.
09:25Well, it was more my favorite, and then he started making it for me, and now we just always eat
09:29it together.
09:30Cute.
09:30Yeah.
09:31Yeah, we could do that.
09:32We could have Shaw make your spaghetti and meatballs for his celebration dinner, or just spitballing.
09:40I do know that there is a really authentic Indian place in town that Shaw really loves.
09:45He says it reminds him of his grandmother's cooking.
09:47Aww.
09:47So that's just an option.
09:50Yeah.
09:51Great!
09:51Okay, that's perfect, because I actually already ordered it.
09:53And they threw in the utensils for free.
09:55Woo!
09:56You are doing such a good job.
09:58This is just going to be amazing.
09:59You're crushing it.
10:00I'll see you later.
10:01Okay.
10:07Look at you losers sweating your asses off.
10:10And not me.
10:10I got three layers on.
10:12I haven't sweat a drop.
10:14It might be a pituitary issue, sir.
10:15You should probably check that out.
10:16No, it's not.
10:17It's a control issue.
10:18I have power over my body.
10:22Ah, no thanks.
10:22I don't really like to drink that much.
10:24It, uh, it makes me yell.
10:25Well, if you're not yelling, are you really saying anything?
10:28You know what, whatever.
10:29I'm not driving.
10:29Okay.
10:29There you go.
10:33Wow.
10:33Wow!
10:35Okay, here we go.
10:36Yeah, there it is.
10:37This is what it's all about.
10:38This is the life, baby.
10:38It sure is.
10:39You know what?
10:40Let's make this a little more interesting with a little unfriendly competition that I learned
10:44from a couple of enlisted men.
10:46And never have I ever had my highest rank be colonel or low.
10:52So drink up, you subordinate losers.
11:01Refusing to budge, the donkey turned to his owner and began to speak.
11:04Hey, did you not see the angel in the road?
11:09Talking donkeys.
11:11The Bible's like Shrek.
11:13And Shrek had a lot of animal sacrifice.
11:16Well, never have I ever launched a full-scale attack on a flock of geese.
11:23They were invading our air space.
11:25They were migrating.
11:27Oh my God.
11:28I think I'm done.
11:29It's getting a little hot in here.
11:30I'm going to...
11:31No, no, no.
11:31What are you talking about?
11:31This is the brotherhood.
11:32This is how we have fun, right?
11:35Make each other laugh.
11:36Yeah.
11:36This is what you have to look forward to when you're a lifer.
11:39And we know we can trust you because you're an honorable and trustworthy person.
11:42You wouldn't abandon us and quit and take some stupid civilian job.
11:47Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
11:49Is that what this is about?
11:50Did you guys find out that I met with a transition officer?
11:53Well, nothing happens on my base without my knowing about it.
11:55Yeah, so we know you're leaving me, us, the army.
12:00I haven't decided anything, okay?
12:03This is a really tough choice and I just met with a transition officer because Celeste wanted me to.
12:08She's leaving the army and she wanted me to take my 20 and retire and possibly save our marriage.
12:15And I'm saying it's time to get rid of your ball and chain.
12:17What?
12:18The colonel, of course.
12:19I am tired, old man.
12:21What are you starting now?
12:22I'm tired of your stuff.
12:22You're constantly riding me.
12:24All you need to be rid of this.
12:26Oh, really?
12:26Yeah, exactly.
12:27I can't.
12:28I just can't anymore.
12:29It's too much.
12:29It's too much for me.
12:30Stop, stop.
12:31You know what?
12:32I just wanted a night in the woods.
12:33That's it.
12:34Me, some axes, good times.
12:36My future might be hanging in the balance, but one thing I do know for certain is that
12:39I don't want to end up sad and alone, eating beans in a tent and some sick competition with my
12:44sworn enemy
12:44because I don't have any wives left.
12:46But that's because he's a narcissist.
12:48Oh, he's the narcissist.
12:49You're both narcissists!
12:50I told you drinking makes me yell!
12:58Hey!
13:00Hey!
13:00Hey!
13:00How's it going?
13:01How's it going?
13:02How's it going?
13:02How's it going?
13:02What's up?
13:02So, um...
13:03Yeah.
13:05I could really use Rick Silver's number right now.
13:07You put his number in my phone for safekeeping and remember what we agreed to?
13:11That it had to be World War III and I would only get it if I wanted one last ride
13:15before the world ended.
13:15And is it World War III?
13:16No, but it's close, okay?
13:18I can't stop myself from helping Celeste try to save her marriage to a guy that I have fallen for.
13:24I offered to write her speech.
13:25What? Why would you do that to yourself?
13:27Because she couldn't find any word that rhymed with obligation.
13:30I can't help myself.
13:31Yeah.
13:31But you can help me.
13:32And Rick Silver is not the answer.
13:33He is a CIA liar who destroys your life like it's a foreign leftist government.
13:39I'm sorry, I'm not giving you his number.
13:41Kinda.
13:42Yeah.
13:43Do you know anything that rhymes with obligation?
13:45Frustration.
13:46Actually, do you have a pen?
13:47Girl, let Celeste write her own speech.
13:49I'll go get my pen.
13:50A 15-mile hike over uneven ground.
13:53I've done worse.
13:55One of them.
13:56Not one of them.
13:57I can live my life from the live where I want.
14:00Ow!
14:00Oh!
14:01Oh!
14:01Oh!
14:02Oh, this is bad.
14:13Sha?
14:13I know you're mad, but you can't leave me alone with these turds.
14:17All right, man?
14:18You're driving me crazy.
14:23Sha!
14:26Hey, Sha!
14:29Look, I told him the truth.
14:31Army life is hard.
14:32Yeah, which is how we like it.
14:34Yes, yes, we do.
14:35But you know what?
14:36Let me ask you.
14:37Did you ever once think about leaving after 20 years?
14:40No.
14:40Me neither.
14:41That's our answer.
14:43And as much as I would love to wound you, he's got to find it on his own.
14:49What, are you Buddha now?
14:50Do me a favor.
14:51Just focus on the search and try not to declare war on the geese.
14:55What's that?
14:56Uh, Funt.
14:57He has, uh, breathing issues.
14:59He had a handful of vertebrae removed and now his neck is too short.
15:03What, like a pug?
15:04Mm.
15:04Oh, my God.
15:05Help!
15:07Two o'clock.
15:07Two o'clock.
15:08Hey.
15:10Oh, yes.
15:12Uh, I, I sprained my ankle.
15:14I can't really put any pressure on it.
15:15I, can you call for help?
15:16We don't call for help.
15:19We are the help.
15:20General, you remember how to make a stretcher?
15:22Funt, stop breathing and find some branches.
15:27Three miles down and one to go.
15:32Hey.
15:32All right, guys, let him down here.
15:36Let me see if I got a signal.
15:38Oh.
15:39Yep, I do.
15:42Come on, Papadakis.
15:43Let's go.
15:44Let's go.
15:45And before me was a pale horse and the rider was death.
15:50What?
15:52Death was riding the horse?
15:55Dude!
15:56The Bible is everything.
15:59Papadakis, you had one job we're gonna have to carry you the last mile or so.
16:04Okay.
16:04Here we go.
16:05One, two, three.
16:07Ah!
16:07You ready?
16:08Yep.
16:10Don't worry.
16:10Only the last half is uphill.
16:21He's coming.
16:22He's coming.
16:23He's coming.
16:23He's coming.
16:25Surprise!
16:26Surprise!
16:28You did this all for me?
16:30Aw, 20 years is a big deal.
16:32Do you want a drink?
16:33Um, after falling down a hill and crying in a pile of leaves, I can confidently say I'm
16:38never gonna drink again.
16:39So Shirley Temple.
16:40Here, sit down.
16:41Sit.
16:42Congratulations, man.
16:43Thanks.
16:46This is, this is crazy.
16:47You look a lot better than you did in the van.
16:50Ah, yeah.
16:51Appreciate that.
16:51Yeah, it was...
16:52And sir, I wanted to tell you something.
16:54What?
16:54That you have weak ankles?
16:55I knew that the first time I saw you walking a basketball court.
16:57Okay, please.
16:58I've seen oak trees with more lateral movement than you.
17:01What I was trying to say is that, I don't know if I'm gonna stay in the army.
17:05But I know that I was wrong.
17:08I would be proud to be one of you.
17:11Yeah, listen.
17:12I was wrong is what Davidson would be saying if he was here because everything that went
17:18wrong on this trip was his fault.
17:19The thing I did want to say to you is, I think you should take some time to really
17:22think about this because it's not just like vaguely your future.
17:25This is like the rest of your life.
17:27So I think you should share it with something that sees you for who you are and shares your
17:31passion and your values, whether that's the U.S. Army or something else.
17:35Like my wife?
17:37Yeah, he could be a person.
17:38You know, he could be a person.
17:39You biting your tongue right now?
17:41No, no.
17:42Cheek.
17:43If I bit down in this heart of my tongue, I'd lose it.
17:48Hello.
17:49Hi.
17:50I want to thank everybody for coming out here to celebrate Abe.
17:58I'm sorry, I can't put myself away.
17:59Dead Sea Scrolls just dropped and there's like a lot of debate on the message boards
18:03whether it's canon or not.
18:04Uh, Abe, there's nobody like you.
18:07You're obsessed with Broadway shows, but you don't want anyone to know.
18:11Like we don't hear you singing Suddenly Seymour in the laundry room.
18:15We can.
18:16You only own one bowl and you wash it after every use.
18:19An impressive system that we should all follow.
18:21The thing I love most about you is your unique ability to be there for us without us knowing it.
18:31You support us.
18:32You make us feel like we're doing it all on our own.
18:35You're the sky, the moon, the grass.
18:40You don't demand attention, but nothing would be the same without you.
18:45My life wouldn't be the same without you.
18:47So, uh, let's all raise our glasses to Abe.
18:55Is that okay?
18:56Thank you for that.
18:57Okay.
18:58To this.
18:59Yeah.
19:02Ooh, biryani.
19:04Yes.
19:04The alugobi.
19:05Let it go.
19:07Careful with that.
19:08Hop.
19:08Hop.
19:09I'll get better.
19:10All right.
19:11Look, Celeste, I know things have been a little tricky for us and I know we've been talking
19:15a lot about, um, whether a future together makes sense, right?
19:18And, um, after that toast, it just confirmed it.
19:22I mean, you understand me more than I was sure of before.
19:26And so now I know that we can make a...
19:27I didn't write the toast.
19:29Or plan this magical night.
19:32Maggie did.
19:33Wait, Maggie?
19:34I'm so sorry.
19:35I know that I messed up and I wanted to make it right, but I didn't really know where to
19:41start.
19:42And, oh, I've just been having such a hard time.
19:48Yeah.
19:48Yeah.
19:51It shouldn't be this much work.
19:54No.
19:56No one can say we didn't try.
19:58We tried so hard.
19:59I mean, we wore those marriage counselors out, but it feels like we both know it's over.
20:04Hmm.
20:06And I've always been bothered by that one bowl system.
20:09I think it's normal to have 12 bowls.
20:12Okay, what are you gonna do?
20:12Invite 11 people over for a cereal party?
20:14I'd like to have the option.
20:20Seriously, Maggie?
20:21Who are we?
20:23The sky, the grass, the moon.
20:25Wait, so that's how you feel, Michelle?
20:29I would have delivered it better.
20:33Yeah.
20:36Yo!
20:37Dead Sea Scrolls has Goliath at 6'6".
20:41David about to cook this fool.
20:43For real.
20:44Okay.
20:45Here we go, Joe.
20:51I just want to explain this to a layman.
20:53So there are talking animals.
20:55Right.
20:56And a talking bush.
20:57And talking people.
20:58But a lot of books have that, right?
21:00But this-
21:00Who?
21:01CIA agent Rick Silver.
21:03Oh, my God.
21:03What's up?
21:04Oh, my God.
21:06Babe, I am so glad you Facebook messaged my mom.
21:09I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.
21:11That's okay.
21:11I stopped listening after babe.
21:12Come here.
21:14Mmm.
21:15Ugh.
21:16So reliably hot.
21:17I know I am.
21:18You are too.
21:18You are too.
21:20You are too.
21:20You are.
21:23Hey, um, has anyone seen Maggie?
21:26Yes, everybody's seen Maggie.
21:28Over there with the worst ex-boyfriend to ever do it.
21:30Oh!
21:32He's like glitter from the strip club.
21:34Impossible to be printed.
21:35It's going so well!
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