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00:01And now, for the very first time on the ABC, it's Always Was Tonight, with your host, Tony Armstrong.
00:12Hey, I'm Tony Armstrong. This is Always Was Tonight.
00:20It's an honour to be the first blackface fronting a comedy show on the ABC since Chris Lilley.
00:28Tonight, we're giving The Colony a colonoscopy. This show is black, it's cracked, and it wants its lamb back.
00:37Plus, we all know Aboriginal people make the best ABC content.
00:40There's Mystery Road, Mystery Road Origin, and just announced, Mystery Road Gentrified.
00:49Now the road has a yochi.
00:53Of course, tonight isn't all fun. We'll also tell you some disturbing facts about January 26th.
00:59Like, did you know that January 26th is also the birthday of Ellen DeGeneres?
01:05Yep. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more controversial. No wonder she was cancelled.
01:11It's not a date to celebrate, Ellen.
01:15But first, across this nation, the welcome to country has been attacked by racists, degraded by politicians,
01:21and used as fuel for the culture wars.
01:23But I actually understand the importance and beauty of acknowledging the land that I'm on,
01:27which is why I have organised a very special welcome to country from one of the nation's most beloved aunties.
01:33Come in, Aunty Donna.
01:36Oh, Tony, mate. Yeah, I think there's been a horrible mistake.
01:40Uh, yeah, so, I think you've maybe called the wrong Aunty Donna.
01:45Our comedy group is called Aunty Donna, but, uh, none of us are aunties.
01:50Or Aboriginal. I mean, Mark is Italian, but that's not his fault.
01:54It would not be culturally appropriate, I don't think.
01:56In this climate, it would be career suicide.
01:59Gadigal, Gadigal, Gadigal!
02:00Oh, all right, well, thanks, Tony. We'll go back to you now.
02:03Can you just cut that, please, and just get enough weight?
02:04I don't get that footage.
02:07Coming to you tonight from the lands of the Gadigal people from the ABC studios,
02:10this, as always, was tonight.
02:17Now, everyone knows the fastest way for a fellow with melanin to get on the television is to cook something.
02:22So tonight, I'm sharing one of my most patriotic recipes.
02:25So if you're planning on having a barbecue this January 26th, you can swallow me.
02:32It's all part of my new segment, Captain Cooks.
02:38Some people say you shouldn't get too political around January 26th.
02:42It might ruin the barbecue.
02:44Well, I'd never want to ruin a barbecue.
02:46So here's some tips to get yours sizzling.
02:49The secret is seasoning.
02:51This spice mix has a hint of lemon myrtle in it.
02:54Flip the meat so that it's coated on both sides,
02:57just as some historians believe the gifts distributed by soldiers given to Aboriginal people at Manly Cove
03:02were coated in smallpox.
03:04But don't focus on that.
03:05It might ruin the barbecue.
03:07I'm using olive oil, but you can use whatever oil you prefer,
03:10as long as the bottle doesn't remind you of the vial of live smallpox variola matter,
03:14reportedly in the possession of Dr John White, a surgeon with the First Fleet.
03:18Because that could ruin the barbecue.
03:20Time to whack your steaks onto the hot plate, which you want super hot.
03:24Feverishly hot.
03:25Let's get a couple on now.
03:29It's hot.
03:30Searing the meat helps with the flavour,
03:32but it also caramelises your seasoning as the surface blisters.
03:36Speaking of blisters and fevers,
03:38don't think about the reports that within a year or so,
03:40half of the Aboriginal people in the Sydney area were dead.
03:43Killed by smallpox.
03:45That could ruin the barbecue.
03:47After a couple of minutes, it's time to turn your meat.
03:50It's really important to keep an eye on the time,
03:52so you don't overcook your meat and ruin the barbecue.
03:54Time was, of course, something the Aboriginal people didn't have.
03:57Within the first couple of years,
03:58reports suggest roughly half to 70% of the Indigenous population of the South East were gone.
04:05Imagine if 70% of the guests at your barbecue were gone.
04:08Forever.
04:09Forever. Within just a few years.
04:11Actually, don't think about that.
04:13It'll ruin the barbecue.
04:14Well, these are looking great.
04:16Time to get them off the heat and let them rest for a couple of minutes.
04:20By the way, did you know that no member of the First Fleet
04:23was recorded as having been infected by smallpox?
04:26Makes you wonder.
04:27How did the locals get infected by it in the first place?
04:30Unless, as some experts have argued,
04:31it was deliberately introduced to decimate a population
04:34who colonists have described as primitive and barbaric,
04:38which would have been a deliberate use of biological warfare leading to a genocide.
04:45But don't let that ruin your barbecue.
04:48Bon appétit.
04:52Here it always was tonight.
04:54We're not just looking at the present.
04:55We're also looking to the future.
04:56When news emerges, we emerge with it.
04:58We exist in the everywhere.
05:00What does that mean?
05:02I don't know.
05:02Which is why I hired someone smarter than me to present this next segment.
05:07Give it up for Brooke Blurton!
05:14This is past, present and emerging news.
05:17I'm Brooke Blurton, Australia's second favourite Aboriginal newsreader,
05:20whose first name is Brooke.
05:23Here are the headlines that will be emerging later this year.
05:26Gina Reinhardt will once again call for workers to celebrate Australia Day,
05:31pointing to her own mining success.
05:33And I, for one, promise to always think of Gina
05:36as the owner of Australia's biggest hole.
05:44Ikea will issue a product recall on its black slag side table,
05:49claiming it means something else in Swedish.
05:53Sky News will announce a competitor to Triple J called Triple K.
05:59They will celebrate Australia Day by taking the hood to the hood
06:02with the hottest 100 crosses.
06:05The AFP will warn that if any more white men leave Melbourne
06:08to join Nazi groups in the Grampians,
06:11there'll be no-one left for Melbourne women to ask,
06:14is it in yet, babe?
06:17Barnaby Joyce will take over One Nation.
06:20Barnaby is famous for public drunkenness,
06:23having multiple baby mamas,
06:24and constantly complaining about the government,
06:26to which One Nation said,
06:27sure this guy isn't black?
06:31A DNA test will confirm Bob Catter is Aboriginal.
06:35Asked to comment on the results, Mr Catter told our journalists,
06:39I'm boomerang people in the mouthful yelling like that, cuz!
06:49Onto sports news.
06:51The hottest show on the planet right now
06:52is gay ice hockey drama Heated Rivalry.
06:55So, next year, Channel 7 will announce their own gay romance
06:59based on the AFL.
07:01Holding the ball.
07:04And, like the real AFL,
07:07Tony Armstrong will have a short cameo where he gets a behind.
07:12APPLAUSE
07:14Anthony Albanese will be finally convinced
07:17to fund Aboriginal health outcomes
07:19when he realises it will make the South Sydney rabbit-oes
07:23less shit.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26And before we know it,
07:27it'll be January again,
07:28and we'll realise that no-one has done anything
07:31to actually change the date or fix the problems,
07:33so we're gonna have to do this show all over again.
07:36See you next year.
07:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:45It started like any other day, really.
07:48It was nice, not too hot.
07:55Everything was about to change.
07:58When I saw them, I was like,
07:59bloody hell!
08:02And they just showed up.
08:04There were, like, ten boats.
08:06The official party had to come ashore on a longboat.
08:09I remember turning to my mate and being like,
08:11I don't like the look of this fella.
08:14What?
08:15I thought it was sick.
08:17I had a smashing time.
08:19I was actually there.
08:21Uninvited.
08:21Up next on the Aboriginal Broadcasting Corporation.
08:25Yeah, boy!
08:26APPLAUSE
08:30Here at the ABC,
08:32balance isn't just something we say,
08:34it's something in our DNA.
08:35And I think we need to talk about the whites.
08:38So let's speak to someone who understands
08:39what's going on with the white walkers.
08:41Please welcome
08:42the ambassador for white Australia,
08:44Clancy Whitely!
08:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:49Hey, brother.
08:51Salutations, young native.
08:52Yo!
08:54Sorry, my melanated brother.
08:56I've been living amongst the whites for two, love.
08:59It's either shake.
09:00So you're here to give the white perspective?
09:03Sure, I am.
09:03But you're black.
09:05So?
09:05They do panels about us all the time.
09:07Talking about them without them
09:10is pretty much the whitest thing that I can do.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:16Fair enough.
09:17And you're going to answer my questions
09:18like you're a white person.
09:21I don't have any change.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:27I'm not asking for change.
09:29But that's what white people hear
09:31whenever black people talk,
09:33a request for a handout.
09:35See, Anthony, I can call you Anthony, right?
09:38No, Tony's...
09:39Anthony, I've been observing
09:41the white community for some time now,
09:44and...
09:47they are an ancient and mystical people.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52But you can understand them
09:54if you take into account
09:56their unique relationship with the land.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:00LAUGHTER
10:02And what's that relationship?
10:04They want the land, Anthony.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:10And once they have it,
10:11they'll build a duplex
10:12and somewhere where they can share their bush tucker.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16What's their bush tucker?
10:18Grilled burgers.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:21OK.
10:23And how do white people feel about Aboriginal issues,
10:25like the Victorian Treaty, for instance?
10:27The whites haven't heard about it, Anthony.
10:29But it's been in the news for quite a while.
10:31Yeah, but white people don't watch the news.
10:33They watch reruns of Young Sheldon.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:38Do they even care about problems in the white community?
10:40They aren't aware of any, Anthony.
10:43They're militantly joyful.
10:45LAUGHTER
10:46On that, what about neo-Nazis marching at rallies?
10:49Well, you can't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch.
10:53Mass murders committed by Erin Patterson?
10:55But...
10:55Well, you can't let a few bad mushrooms spoil the brunch.
10:58LAUGHTER
11:00What about the Australia Day debate?
11:02How does the white community feel about that?
11:04Ah, yes.
11:06Anthony, this causes much chatter at the white corroborees.
11:10Where are the white corroborees?
11:11Oh...
11:12Adelaide Writers Festival?
11:14LAUGHTER
11:16APPLAUSE
11:18APPLAUSE
11:18APPLAUSE
11:20APPLAUSE
11:20APPLAUSE
11:21APPLAUSE
11:21APPLAUSE
11:22Performances of Hamilton?
11:24LAUGHTER
11:26ABC staff meeting?
11:28LAUGHTER
11:30LAUGHTER
11:30They're everywhere, Anthony.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33Some of them are even filmed and put out what whites call...
11:37..podcasts.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39Which are like yarning circles for people who like to hear about murder.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:45LAUGHTER
11:45And what do these white corroborees say about the date?
11:48Oh, well, it must stay, Anthony.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:51And why is that?
11:52Well, the whites need a day off after Christmas Day,
11:55LAUGHTER
11:55Boxing Day, New Year's Day,
11:58the five days they took off for the cricket,
12:00and the first week back when workers weren't really actually working.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:03So, what about mob who are still demanding the change?
12:07I knew it.
12:08There you go, asking for change.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:20You cheeky, boy.
12:23Yo!
12:25Please thank the ambassador for whites, Clancy Whitley.
12:28APPLAUSE
12:32Looking to make a c*** yourself this January 26th?
12:35Not invited to any barbecues,
12:37so you're headed to a counter-protest instead.
12:39Whiter 10 has everything a white supremacist needs to look their best.
12:44Matching black cap and mask set,
12:45because you're too much of a pussy to show your face.
12:48$9.99.
12:49Do-it-yourself, right-angled insignia kit.
12:52Let's face it, you're too dumb to draw.
12:54$9.
12:55Heavy-duty bin bags to pack all your s*** in
12:58when your mum finally kicks you out of her house.
13:01You're 36, mate. Come on, move out.
13:03$8.88.
13:04On your way out, treat yourself to a sausage sizzle.
13:07White bread only, tomato sauce is too spicy.
13:10Whiter 10, all welcome, whether they like it or not.
13:14Coming up on the Aboriginal Broadcasting Corporation...
13:17Dorn there, this is Nookie from 3%,
13:19or as your mum knows me,
13:20that nice Aboriginal fella from New Year's Eve.
13:23And I'll be your guest programmer on Black Rage this week,
13:26so you better tune in, cos it's black to black bangers from.
13:29Shareena Clanton telling her how it is on Q&A.
13:32There is no healing going on.
13:34When you apologise, you do not do it again.
13:39Black Panther, Dennis Walker,
13:41demanding land rights back in 74.
13:44That's what land rights means.
13:46That means a lot of money, and it means a lot of people
13:51that are getting rich off your blood and guts.
13:55And Alex Irving taking total control.
13:59You think I'm just another ungrateful black bitch.
14:05I don't care.
14:07It might have been an ABC drama,
14:10but it was real to me.
14:11That, and a whole lot more, coming up on Black Rage.
14:20The National Mental Health Commission has found
14:23that the number of people experiencing financial stress
14:25has almost doubled since 2020.
14:28So, with living so difficult,
14:30we thought we'd bring in the person responsible,
14:32the creator of all life and existence,
14:35long-time legend, and my dear friend,
14:37the Rainbow Serpent!
14:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:46Thanks for having me, Tony Armstrong.
14:49Thank you for being here.
14:50You might be the most famous person we've ever had on the show.
14:53LAUGHTER
14:54I'm actually a serpent, Katie.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:59LAUGHTER
15:00And where are you from again?
15:01Oh, some mob say-a-b-a-b-a.
15:06All I can say is it's a secret.
15:09I don't hiss and tell.
15:11Am I detecting a bit of a lisp?
15:13What lisp?
15:14I'm the creator of all existence.
15:16This is how society is supposed to sound.
15:19Well, that's, of course, my mistake.
15:21Um...
15:22How has the cost of living affected you, Rainbow?
15:24Oh, don't get me started, Tony.
15:26It's been expensive for everyone, even serpents.
15:30I've had to access my superannuation early
15:32for some new fangs of it.
15:35What happened?
15:36Too much sugar, Tony.
15:38Too much sugar in my sodas.
15:40The serpent surgeon said that I need to see a specialist.
15:44And soon.
15:48Rainbow, statistics are showing
15:50that the median gross household weekly income
15:53for Aboriginal families is still over $300 less
15:57than income for non-Indigenous households.
15:59How can mob make their money go further?
16:00Oh, suck me, Tony.
16:02Yeah.
16:04We've all got our own ways of scraping by.
16:07I've been trying to consume less.
16:10How was that, Rainbow?
16:11Oh, well, I started a saldo-souder in COVID.
16:14That's helped.
16:15I quit smoking.
16:16I just hang around smoking ceremonies now.
16:19And I went through and had to unsubscribe
16:21from all my streaming services.
16:23Seems like a lot of work, Rainbow.
16:25Oh, well, it's easy for me to say.
16:27It doesn't seem to be.
16:28But it's just, it's so stressful, Tony.
16:33Like, don't get me started on how remote communities
16:35spend $17.70 for Tim Tams in some of these places.
16:39It's too much.
16:40That's double the prices of the capital cities.
16:43According to Choice Magazine, Tony,
16:46a basket of just nine everyday items
16:48like apples and carrots and milk
16:51costs $100, Tony.
17:03Do you subscribe to Choice Magazine?
17:06Well, I used to, Tony, but who can afford it now?
17:11Listen, communities are being shut down, Tony.
17:15First Nations people are being forced off their lands.
17:17First colonization, and now this.
17:21So it's fair to say, Rainbow, you're against colonization.
17:24Oh, no, sick, Tony.
17:28Sovereignty was never ceded.
17:37What?
17:38How could anyone support colonization?
17:40Well, it beefed me.
17:44What was that?
17:46Nothing.
17:47Thank you for your time, Rainbow.
17:51Tonight, on the Aboriginal Broadcasting Corporation,
17:53we asked a random Aboriginal man to drive somewhere
17:56so we could do a breathy voiceover
17:58about his unique connection to the land.
18:00So, this is it.
18:02A sacred road, a cultural road,
18:04a road that explains what it means to be Aboriginal.
18:07Nah, it's just a road.
18:09Well, aren't we all just on a road?
18:11The road to reconciliation?
18:12Christ, who writes this crap?
18:16We want to always watch tonight not just to entertain
18:19and sometimes not even entertain,
18:20but also inform and ask the hard-hitting questions.
18:23It's rare that Australian TV has an actual expert
18:26to talk about Aboriginal issues,
18:28which is why my next guest is Professor Alison Batcher.
18:34Thank you for being here, Professor.
18:36Thank you for having me.
18:38And sorry, I'm not sure who you are.
18:40Oh, hi.
18:41I'm just a huge fan.
18:44Of what?
18:45Aboriginals.
18:49Aboriginality.
18:50I'm an emerging ally,
18:52so I'm just here to listen
18:53and amplify.
18:56Racism is gross.
18:58Lose the gap.
18:59Woo!
19:05OK, sure.
19:07Professor, you've said that the work of decolonisation
19:10has to begin with truth-telling.
19:12What exactly do you mean by that?
19:13Oh, my God, yes.
19:14Well, when the...
19:15That's so right.
19:16Like, how are we going to fix the problem
19:18if we won't even listen?
19:21Like, come on, that's basic stuff.
19:24Yes, thank you.
19:26Professor, the government has withdrawn
19:28the over $20 million
19:30originally promised for the Makarrata Commission.
19:32What does that mean for the prospect of the treaty?
19:34God, yes, tell them about this one.
19:36No, it's insane, Tony.
19:38The money was reallocated
19:40after the favour of the voice referendum,
19:41which, oh, my God, devastated me.
19:44No, seriously,
19:45voting no was one of the hardest things
19:46I've ever had to do.
19:51Well, yes, um...
19:53Listening is so important.
19:55Can we just be clear on that?
19:57We sure can.
19:59Treaty.
19:59Yeah.
20:02Treaty now.
20:04Come on, treaty.
20:06Treaty.
20:07Give me a treaty.
20:09That's...
20:11That's beautiful.
20:12Thank you, Tony.
20:13Professor...
20:14Too many people want to centre their own voice as an experience.
20:18They want to be seen to be helping
20:20rather than actually helping.
20:22Sorry, um,
20:23I would just really like to hear from the professor on this talk.
20:25Yes, me too.
20:26Please.
20:27God, I love to listen.
20:28OK, yes, tell us.
20:29Go off, my native tea, da.
20:31Take no prisoners.
20:32I don't believe in incarceration anyway,
20:33so go off.
20:34Go off!
20:35OK, but when...
20:36Do you know what I've actually often wondered
20:38if I've got a little bit of Aboriginal in me?
20:41Just that, like, connection to land.
20:43It's like, I guess I almost would identify it.
20:46So, uh...
20:48I'm just going to interrupt you there.
20:50I'm sorry.
20:51Yeah.
20:52That's better.
20:54Thank you, Professor.
20:55No, Tony.
20:59Come here.
21:01Thank all Aborigines.
21:05Oh!
21:11Next up, a special treat.
21:13Not a lot of people know that Senator Jacinta Price
21:15was once a Triple J unearthed artist,
21:17promoting her debut album Dry River
21:20with hit single Another Way,
21:21which Triple J unearthed listener
21:23Fritz Kaiser Wilhelm II gave half a star.
21:27Well, I am excited to announce
21:29in a once-in-a-lifetime world premiere live performance,
21:32please, welcome to the...
21:35Sorry, um, we've actually got some breaking news.
21:40Jay, can you hear me?
21:41Hi. Yes, I can, Tony.
21:43I'm coming to you live from heaven on Earth,
21:46but right now we are experiencing a series of crises.
21:49I just wanted to remind your audience of the fact
21:52that scientists are predicting
21:53the entire Torres Strait Islands will be underwater
21:56within the next, yeah, 25 years.
21:59And if that happens, well,
22:01I might have to crash at your place, buller.
22:03And by the way, I sleep in the nude.
22:06With the window open.
22:08Bucket side up.
22:10But if that's not bad enough,
22:12online retailer Amazon has suspended delivery to us indefinitely.
22:17I mean, if I want an air fryer,
22:19I literally have to walk outside,
22:21light a fire,
22:21and fry something
22:23in the air.
22:26I mean, come on, Amazon.
22:28Sending Katy Perry to space
22:29this was not logistically difficult,
22:31but as soon as you want to deliver to us,
22:32nah, forget about it.
22:34You've got everything from A to Z,
22:36except a way to get it to J.
22:39Back to you, Tony.
22:42Well, that's it for Always Was Tonight.
22:44We will be back next year,
22:46unless the ABC is racist or something.
22:49I'm sure you're expecting me to use this moment
22:51to do a big viral speech
22:52about what January 26th means
22:54and why you,
22:55the good white people watching,
22:57ought to feel real sad.
22:58But the problem is,
22:59you already know.
23:00You've heard it before,
23:01you know it's wrong.
23:03Don't be a dog.
23:04Instead, let's talk about something important.
23:06In almost all of this country,
23:08the age of criminal responsibility
23:10is just 10 years old.
23:11This is a crackdown on black kids
23:13who are 21 times more likely
23:15to be in prison than other kids.
23:17On an average night,
23:18like tonight, in Australia,
23:1935 Indigenous kids under 13 years old
23:22will be incarcerated.
23:24Our government thinks these kids
23:25are too young and vulnerable
23:26to use a TikTok account,
23:28but we're comfortable shoving them in prison.
23:30I'd tell you more,
23:31but that might ruin the barbecue.
23:33So instead,
23:34we thought we'd end with a song.
23:35Stay Deadly.
23:38I've been to prisons
23:40Like banks near a hill
23:43From Cobham to Cleveland
23:47Tempts like a landfill
23:50I'm only 10
23:54And so far from wrong
23:57I shouldn't call this place wrong
24:08Imagine it's your kids
24:12For your family
24:15When they lower the age of responsibility
24:21And royal commissions
24:25Just say what we've known
24:29The church should call this place home
24:37Someday you'll act soft
24:41Shots by all this
24:44Pretending like it doesn't exist
24:50Whatever the problems
24:55That makes us fit
24:58The answer cannot look like this
25:03They're making the kids
25:08They're making the kids like they took them before
25:11They'll find my body on the co-chail floor
25:18I realize something
25:22I've always known
25:26No church should call this
25:30Why do I call this
25:33No one should call this place home
25:55I'm a miracle
25:57You'll be the first
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