- 17 hours ago
First broadcast 29th January 2016.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Sara Pascoe
Josh Widdicombe
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Sara Pascoe
Josh Widdicombe
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to CUI, where tonight we're doing the monster match.
00:08Let's meet the nameless horrors that lurk in our monstrous shadows.
00:13The malformed Josh Whittacombe.
00:18The mutated Phil Jupiters.
00:24The misbegotten Sarah Pascale.
00:30And a complete monstrosity, Alan Davis.
00:38Oh, let's hear your scary noises, Sarah goes.
00:47Josh goes.
00:51Phil goes.
00:54And Alan goes.
01:04Too terrible to contemplate.
01:06Let's start with a monster mix and match.
01:09Here are some cards you'll find under your desk.
01:16The fronts and the backs.
01:18Oh.
01:18And we want you to see if you can make some kind of monster.
01:22Name it if you can.
01:23Oh, right.
01:24Name it.
01:25Okay.
01:25You've got bottoms.
01:26I'm a classic bottom.
01:28I'm a classic top.
01:28And Josh has got tops.
01:30What have you got there?
01:31Alan Davis has got gorgeous legs.
01:35What do you think there is a human?
01:38I can say it's borderline, Stephen.
01:40Too terrible to contemplate.
01:42Here we go.
01:43Here we go.
01:43Here we go.
01:43All right.
01:44You don't know what I've put, then we'll look in a minute.
01:46Okay.
01:47There we go.
01:48Ah, a lionfish.
01:49Now, that's interesting, because the lionfish does exist.
01:51Unlike the merlion that we have created.
01:54Ah, the merlion.
01:55Which would sing on the rocks by the coast of Africa, and lure deer to their death.
02:01LAUGHTER
02:02Well, there you've got an ant.
02:04An ant cow.
02:05Yeah, we've got the...
02:07Basically, what you've got there is an ungulate that will ruin a picnic.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:12Well, we can get through some of these.
02:14Certainly a lionfish exists.
02:15OK.
02:16There's a bounty on them.
02:17If you catch them in the Caribbean, they destroy the habitat.
02:20They're so successful.
02:21There's always nothing that can get them, and they can eat everything.
02:23Try making one to order.
02:25See if you can make a minotaur.
02:26Oh, minotaur.
02:27Minotaur?
02:28Yeah.
02:29Bull's head.
02:30Bull's head's on there.
02:31A chaps bottom, isn't it?
02:32A minotaur?
02:33Yeah, there we go.
02:34OK.
02:34I don't have any chaps.
02:34No-one's quite sure whether it should have a human top and a bull's bottom, but...
02:40We made it a minotaur.
02:41Oh, yeah.
02:43That's not as scary as I thought it was going to be.
02:47I'm going to say, pop your cards away.
02:49I've just made a mermaid, Stephen.
02:51You've done a lovely mermaid.
02:51Well done.
02:53That's definitely one that was available.
02:54There are all kinds of things available.
02:56The Myrmicalean, which are also known as a Formicalean, this is a lion head and an
03:01ant body.
03:03In medieval bestiaries, they were very sure that that existed.
03:06They held it to be bigger than an ant.
03:08Basically, it lived in a little pit and pulled in things.
03:12How big was it?
03:14A bit like a large ant.
03:15I feel like someone who had a very low pain threshold is the person who was like, no,
03:18I promise you, it was a lion what bit me, but it's very small.
03:23Very small.
03:23Yeah.
03:24Yeah.
03:24Well, they do exist, ant lions.
03:26Americans call them doodle bugs.
03:27They live in a pit and they pull in anything that falls in.
03:29Wow.
03:30Yeah.
03:30Yeah.
03:31Mermaids and Mermans obviously have the human body with a fishtail.
03:33Well, people think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids and how can they consummate
03:37their relationship?
03:38Mm-hmm.
03:39You know?
03:39Fertilise the eggs, David.
03:41Exactly.
03:41It's very simple.
03:42She lays her eggs on a rock or something and you go and then fertilise them.
03:45What's the problem with that?
03:45The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned and take the mermaid with
03:50him, so he has to go back to, I don't know, dorking.
03:53Yes.
03:54Find a pond, pop his new fish wife in there, she lays her eggs and then he has to be
04:01arrested
04:02for indecent public exposure to boating pom.
04:06And one that you get points for, because it does exist, is the merlion.
04:10Ooh.
04:11Which you came up with, a merlion, which is the lion head and the fishtail.
04:14Really?
04:14The national symbol of Singapore.
04:16Oh.
04:17Thank you, Singapore.
04:18Yeah.
04:20The hippocampus.
04:22Hippopotamus.
04:23Thank you for replying with another animal.
04:26You've been doing very well.
04:27Hipper replacement.
04:31Hippocampus.
04:32The hippocampus is, it runs coffee bars in Shoreditch.
04:38In a very effeminate way.
04:40Well, as you probably know, it's part of the brain.
04:41Yeah.
04:42Hippocampus.
04:42Why is it called the hippocampus?
04:44The shape of it.
04:46Is the shape of a seahorse.
04:48But a hippocampus as a mythical beast at a horse front and a fishtail.
04:51Oh.
04:52Oh.
04:53And so did they think that before they found the seahorse?
04:56Or they thought they were two separate seahorses?
04:57Are there seahorses in the Mediterranean, so I suppose...
05:00We do.
05:00Let's find out.
05:01Well, at some time.
05:02Not now.
05:05That is surely the opposite of what they show us about it.
05:09I panicked, all right?
05:11I'm just panicked.
05:12So people are not seahorses because it's the male who just takes the baby.
05:15Yeah.
05:16Isn't it?
05:16With seahorses, it's always so lovely.
05:17I've dived amongst them and they're just shocked by how small they are.
05:20You must have...
05:21They are tiny.
05:21Well, I've seen them in the London Aquariums.
05:23Oh, right.
05:24They have a very long, thin tank and they go up and down.
05:27It's quite sweet.
05:28I assume that's what they want to do.
05:29Otherwise, it feels a bit unfair.
05:32But they have to just go up and down.
05:34But they're very horse-like as well.
05:36They raise.
05:37They browse in the weeds.
05:39They browse in the weeds, looking...
05:40They have little stalls and they all get in.
05:42They have races.
05:44There's always one who doesn't want to go and have to take him off.
05:48So, no matter what monster you imagine, you can be pretty sure that someone else made it first.
05:54Here's a monster that someone made earlier, but what is it?
05:57And what's it made from?
05:58Ooh.
05:59Ooh.
06:00Oh, my gosh.
06:00Is it carved?
06:02Mmm.
06:02Is it made from bone?
06:04It's a type of mermaid that was very popular in the 19th century.
06:08It's called a Fiji mermaid.
06:09Ooh.
06:10People come from miles to see it.
06:12It was shown off at carnivals and it was made from fish and household bits and pieces.
06:16It was a long time, if people thought, it was made by the addition of a monkey's head with a
06:20fish.
06:21And this particular one was acquired by the Wellcome Collection in 1919,
06:25and then later by the fabulous Horniman Museum.
06:28Do you know the Horniman?
06:30I did know there.
06:30Don't you?
06:31It's brilliant.
06:32It's an incredible place.
06:34A genuine museum of curiosities.
06:35It's the most fascinating place.
06:37I've been there too.
06:38It's great.
06:38It is good.
06:39It's a fine place.
06:40Just saying that because I said I've been there.
06:43When you said you went to the aquarium, I didn't jump on it.
06:45Like, oh yeah.
06:46I've been there.
06:47I'm living happier time in the sun.
06:50Time in the sun.
06:51When you say household bits and pieces.
06:54Yeah.
06:55What like?
06:57A sticky back plastic?
06:59A liquid bottle?
07:00You'd be surprised to know that recent CT scans and DNA tests have been done on this fellow.
07:07And they revealed that no monkeys were harmed in its making.
07:11But it is a fish.
07:12And the rest is made from fabric over a wooden frame.
07:15Supporting a papier-mâché head with a fish's jaw.
07:19Wow.
07:19So, kind of household.
07:20Papier-mâché is usually a bit of newspaper or paper, isn't it?
07:23Mashed up.
07:25Oh, wow!
07:26There we go.
07:27Now look.
07:27You see now.
07:30So were they supposed to be scary creatures?
07:32It is quite scary.
07:34And you picture them scampering in your bedroom or something.
07:36They were a lot sexier once they added the hair and the shell bras.
07:40Yeah, exactly.
07:41But you'd be pleased to know that this is a result of the CT scans.
07:46Which were made by the Hornway Museum for us.
07:50And Dr. James Moffatt of St. George's University in London translated the CT scan data into this 3D printing.
07:58Wow!
07:59Wow!
08:00So this is a 3D printed.
08:01Isn't it good?
08:02Yeah.
08:02Yeah, we like that.
08:03We like that.
08:06And you can see the higher detail in it.
08:08Even the little holes and floors in the...
08:10Have you been to George's Hospital?
08:12It's really excellent.
08:15I'm not going to play this game.
08:20I've seen you in your drums!
08:24You've seen them in Dartmoor, haven't you, Whittacombe?
08:28What are your monsters called?
08:29We've got, on Dartmoor, we've got the hairy hand.
08:32Are you aware of the hairy hand?
08:33Which is a, um...
08:35You get it when you're about 15.
08:39And the hairy hand is a disembodied hand.
08:42That would appear, um, from nowhere if you're driving along, uh...
08:48The B3021.
08:50And it would steer you off the road.
08:53But it's off itself, isn't it?
08:55Yeah.
08:55And it smelled to a cider, didn't it?
08:59It dropped its point on me.
09:01And then it drove me off the road.
09:05One of the people that claimed, uh,
09:07he'd been steered off the road by the hairy hand, uh...
09:10He described it as invisible.
09:15Oh, bless him for trying.
09:19There's the old curse about the monkey wishing hand,
09:22which it seems where that's coming from.
09:23Oh, yeah.
09:24Yeah, what's that?
09:25What's that?
09:26It's a dead one of those.
09:31What's that?
09:32What's that?
09:34It's a herd of those.
09:43Now, the Halloween Museum,
09:45which gave us access to the original of this...
09:48Probably went there before Sarah, aren't you?
09:50It was all arranged by, uh,
09:51a man who's in the audience tonight from the Halloween Museum,
09:54and it's Paolo Viscardi.
09:56Can you give us a wave?
09:57There you are.
09:57Thank you very much, Paolo.
10:24Oh, Lord.
10:25That's Doctor Who.
10:26There's a box of props from Doctor Who, isn't it?
10:29It's the Klu Klux Klan.
10:30The Klu Klux Klan.
10:35I can't guess what they are.
10:37You've burned one cross.
10:39They are flat fish.
10:41They're skates.
10:42Skate.
10:43Oh, a skate.
10:43Rays or skates would be carved in these shapes.
10:45It was known as Jenny Hanover.
10:47Where?
10:47Mostly sailors from Antwerp,
10:49who seem to do this,
10:50and their specialist art,
10:51and other sailors did Scrimshaw, you know,
10:53and they did Jenny Hanover.
10:55Very odd, but they exist,
10:57and you can see that they exist,
10:58because they're in a box.
11:01All right.
11:02Discarded.
11:03Unwanted.
11:04The ones in the middle
11:05that look like they're wearing glasses
11:06are the best ones, aren't they?
11:07They are so fake.
11:08If they start singing,
11:09you'd shit your throat.
11:12Do-do-do-do-do-do-m.
11:17Now,
11:18describe the mammoth moles of Siberia.
11:20Oh, they're huge,
11:21and they live underground.
11:23Right.
11:24Yeah.
11:25Next.
11:27Consider the word mammoth.
11:29Woolly.
11:30Mammoth.
11:30Woolly.
11:31Where's it from?
11:31What language might it be from?
11:33Well...
11:34No, but it's that...
11:35Polish.
11:36Is it?
11:36It's a Baltic stroke,
11:38actually Nordic.
11:39They consider themselves Nordic people.
11:41Norway.
11:43They really, really are Nordic.
11:45These people,
11:46most people wouldn't think of
11:47immediately as Nordic.
11:48They'd think of them as Baltic.
11:49Latvia, Estonia?
11:50Estonia.
11:51Estonia.
11:52Estonia.
11:52The wonderful country of Estonia.
11:54I've never been there, Sarah.
11:57I like my membership card.
11:59I can go for three as many times as I like.
12:02Lovely gardens.
12:05Well, they have a language that's very separate
12:07from the languages of their neighbours.
12:10It's Finno Ugric.
12:11It's related to Finnish and Hungarian.
12:13And the word mammoth is one of theirs.
12:15Oh.
12:16And it means earth mole.
12:18Does it?
12:19It means earth mole.
12:20And the reason is that it was thought
12:22when mammoths were discovered,
12:24they were always underground,
12:25and they thought they lived underground
12:27and were killed by breathing air,
12:28by coming up,
12:29and maybe that's what killed them.
12:31And so that's why they got the name mammoth.
12:33But when were the last mammoths,
12:35do you think,
12:35in thousands of years?
12:371940s.
12:381940s.
12:401940s.
12:41200,000 years ago.
12:4210,000 years ago.
12:43I'm going to say 3 million years ago.
12:45It's more recent than you might think.
12:47It's 4,000 years ago.
12:48Oh.
12:49There was a herd of them in Rangel Island in the Arctic.
12:54And so when they were there in a herd,
12:56the Great Pyramid of Cheops was already 1,000 years old.
12:59So it's civilization.
12:59So they overlap with man.
13:01Very much so, yeah.
13:02Wow.
13:03But there is a company called Revive and Restore
13:05that is looking to reintroduce mammoths.
13:07They are.
13:08They think they can take some genes,
13:10do some gene juggling with Asian elephants
13:12and create a mammoth.
13:14It's very extraordinary thought.
13:16Wow.
13:16Oh, blessed Asian elephants with the small ears.
13:19Yes, just before they have their genes juggled.
13:23If you prefer to...
13:24Come into the lab now.
13:25I've just got to cut your ovaries open.
13:28Genome...
13:29Genome editing is what they call it.
13:31We're hoping they will need to live in the tundra.
13:33Oh, yeah.
13:34And one of the reasons we hope that
13:35is that they'll reintroduce certain grasses,
13:38the way they eat and the way they move around.
13:40Oh, they move the seeds around, yeah.
13:41Yeah, and the permafrost there,
13:43where they used to roam,
13:44is really, really beneficial to the environment.
13:47It contains two to three times as much carbon
13:49as the world's rainforests.
13:51That would be amazing.
13:51Yeah.
13:52So that could be good.
13:53Aside from that, it would be delightful
13:54to think of them anyway.
13:56Yeah.
13:56If they're free and out on the tundra,
13:57that's amazing.
13:57I thought they would just be breeding them
13:59to put them in captivity,
14:00so we could go,
14:00oh, you're bad.
14:01We're going to put them in one of those tubes
14:04like I'm under the aquarium.
14:05Yeah, swim up and down.
14:07Yep, no, there's a man called Sergei Zimov
14:09who has created an experimental preserve in Siberia
14:12that is called Pleistocene Park.
14:14Oh, wow.
14:15So could you do that with others?
14:16Is it possible that this will become a thing that will happen?
14:19I guess it is, yeah.
14:20I think it's a question of when rather than if.
14:22I mean, I think it would be a foolish person to say
14:24it could never happen.
14:25If there's human will behind it,
14:27it's not illegal and it's not...
14:28Maybe not velociraptors.
14:30No, we've got a warning there
14:31because you see what they do in a kitchen.
14:33See what they can do.
14:33Yeah.
14:35Less bother in a kitchen than Gordon Ramsay.
14:37Well, that's true.
14:39You reckon in 4,000 years,
14:41they'll be trying to recreate Gordon Ramsay?
14:44Wow.
14:46Imagine birds of them sweeping across.
14:49Here they cry.
14:52Why don't you grow some balls?
14:55What's this?
14:55It's a stupid person sandwich!
15:00Lawks.
15:00Right.
15:01Now, what kind of animal does this skull belong to?
15:05Toothy.
15:06Well, very toothy.
15:07Looks dinosaur-y to me.
15:09Well, you can certainly tell that it's not herbivore,
15:11it's not a vegetarian, can't it?
15:12Is it a...
15:13A killer rabbit.
15:14It's a killer rabbit.
15:15Is it a sabre-toothed tiger?
15:16No, it's a bit smaller than that.
15:18Is it a tiny mouse?
15:21A little bit bigger than that.
15:23It's a species we've mentioned.
15:25Ah.
15:26Is it a mole?
15:27It's a mole!
15:28Oh, that's a mole.
15:30Well done.
15:30Well done.
15:34A species, not surprisingly, is called the star-nosed mole.
15:38And it looks like I'm that guy from, um, Futurama, doesn't it?
15:41It does.
15:41It's all good.
15:43Yeah.
15:43Why wouldn't you look like...
15:49It's a wonderful novel.
15:50They live underground and we don't really have much to do with it.
15:53But they're equipped with special powers.
15:55For example, they can smell in stereo.
15:58So they can tell where something is coming from which direction they can smell.
16:01So they're very useful in a lift, wouldn't they?
16:03They'd be able to...
16:03It was you.
16:04It was you.
16:05It was you.
16:06And they have toxins with which they paralyze and stun the worms that they eat.
16:11Why would they want to do that?
16:12If they've got the worm anyway, why would they want to...
16:14So they could eat it later?
16:15So they find it and go...
16:16They have larders.
16:17Tasty but lunchtime.
16:18Exactly.
16:19Deferred pleasure.
16:20Put it in their larder.
16:22But they're...
16:23That's amazing!
16:25Yeah.
16:26They need a lot of sustenance because they do a lot of work.
16:29They do extraordinary tunnelling.
16:31They can dig 150 feet of new tunnels a day.
16:35Now, given their size and weight, that is the equivalent of a human moving four tonnes,
16:39about a thousand shovel loads, every 20 minutes.
16:42So why didn't we get them to do the channel tunnel?
16:43Every 20 minutes.
16:44It would have been amazing.
16:46Seriously.
16:46I'm cute.
16:48Yeah.
16:48Yeah, about four under the them, crossrail, done in a fortnight.
16:55Yeah, very territorial and solitary though.
17:01And the females mate, and as soon as they've mate and germinated and ovulated and whatever
17:05the things the females do...
17:09It's complicated.
17:11It's complicated.
17:12Once they've done that.
17:15They put out enormous quantities of testosterone so that they become very aggressive and territorial.
17:21That's amazing.
17:22And they then go back to a solitary life like a man.
17:24So they become sort of males.
17:25So do you know that hyenas, female hyenas have penises?
17:28Yes.
17:28They have to give birth through.
17:30Oh!
17:31Yes, so...
17:32Oh!
17:33They're fake penises then.
17:35What are they laughing about?
17:35They're not real penises.
17:36Well, they don't work like their penises.
17:41So they have to, their body has to basically put them to sleep to give birth.
17:44They have to release so many relaxants to be able to do it.
17:48I know.
17:48Incredible.
17:49Isn't that amazing though?
17:50Yeah.
17:51Phenomenal.
17:52Anyway, now, name all the members of the monstrous regiment of women.
17:57Beryl.
17:59Belinda.
18:00Jean.
18:01Shirley.
18:03Hangry Sue.
18:05She's a leader.
18:06Have you heard of the monstrous regiment?
18:08Oh, yeah.
18:09The first blast of the trumpet against the monstrous...
18:12John Knox?
18:13Yes, John Knox.
18:13I knew you would.
18:14The first blast of the trumpet against the monstrous regiment of women.
18:18Okay, so I've read that and it's bad that I couldn't remember the monstrous regiment.
18:21You seem like it's kind of the main part.
18:24Do you?
18:25As soon as I got it.
18:26Actually, what it is, is a slight change in the language and monstrous doesn't mean monstrous
18:30as we would say.
18:31It means unnatural.
18:33And regiment doesn't mean the whole load of them marching on, these women.
18:37It means regime.
18:39Right.
18:40And he was a Protestant and he was angry at the fact that there were two Catholic women
18:45on the thrones of England.
18:47Oh, of course.
18:47Who might they have been?
18:48Mary.
18:49Which Mary?
18:49They were both called Mary.
18:50The two Marys.
18:52The two Marys.
18:54The two Marys.
18:54This has now turned into a story from the Bunty.
18:58Two Marys.
18:59Bloody Mary.
19:00Bloody Mary.
19:00Bloody Mary.
19:01Mary Tudor.
19:02Yeah.
19:02The one who burned the Protestants.
19:04And in Scotland, it wasn't Mary Queen of Scots.
19:07It was her regent who was Mary of Guise.
19:11Cheery bunch.
19:12Yeah, Tudor.
19:12I feel like that's the same Mary in different outfits.
19:15Yeah.
19:16You know what?
19:16When they do, like, those style challenges on this morning and it's before I'm
19:19laughing.
19:20She used to do it.
19:21She used to wear monochrome, but look at her now.
19:26So Knox, who was a very keen Protestant, didn't like these women on the throne.
19:31He was angry about it and wrote this thing.
19:33But on the subject of Mary Queen of Scots, do you remember who her husband was?
19:39Darnley, his name was her husband.
19:40He was murdered.
19:42He had actually blown up.
19:43This is a very extraordinary story.
19:45One of the presumed architects of the exhibition was a fellow called Archibald Douglas.
19:49A pair of his shoes were found at the scene of the crime.
20:02He gave an account of Mary's reaction.
20:05So this is Mary.
20:05Her husband has been blown up.
20:07She sent for a number of light ladies and women to come to Holyrood house and participate
20:15stark naked in a ball.
20:17Then they had cut off their pubic hair and had put it in puddings to be eaten by the male
20:25guests who were sick.
20:29Is that what you do when your husband's blown up?
20:31Was she just trying to, you know, like, trying to get back to normal life?
20:37Let's just carry on.
20:39Get your pubes and put them in that party.
20:41That's what he would have wanted.
20:44Actually, I think this would be quite clever.
20:45Probably, if your partner is killed in a horrific way, all anyone's ever going to talk to you
20:50about is, oh, what happened to your husband?
20:52But now I know, why do you have that pube party?
20:55What is that pube party?
20:57Why was it internet?
20:59It's all the detail we have.
21:00Well, I have condolences, I would say.
21:03It's all the detail we have, sadly, but the actual person who took the rap for the murder,
21:07it was hanged, drawn and quartered on the basis that he was the one who discovered the scene,
21:11which seems a bit unfair.
21:12Oh, really?
21:12His name is William Blackadder.
21:14Oh.
21:16It's true.
21:19It's just probably the damn joke.
21:23The monstrous regiment of women was just a couple of Marys.
21:27Which is nastier?
21:28A fitted parachute or a hairy nuts disco?
21:33I tell you who doesn't like a hairy nuts disco, Mary.
21:36Does it?
21:38Exactly.
21:39So, too.
21:40Presumably, she has that sort of in bowls.
21:44Hairy nuts is a sort of amuse booth.
21:47Basically, there'd be a party with people just walking around going,
21:49Ah-ah!
21:50Ah!
21:51Ah!
21:52Ah!
21:53Ah!
21:54Ah!
21:55Ah!
21:56Making a pubic nuisance.
21:59They are cocktails.
22:00Are these cocktails?
22:01They're not cocktails.
22:02They look exactly as if they would be cocktails.
22:04Hairy nuts disco.
22:05In Japan, there is a disco where women don't wear underwear, and they are on a floor above,
22:11and it's glass, and they dance, and the men pay more to be underneath.
22:14And I was telling my friend this thing, and she went,
22:16They couldn't do it with men, could they?
22:17Because it looked like everyone was waving at you.
22:21Oh!
22:21Don't worry.
22:21People are like,
22:22Oh!
22:22Don't worry.
22:23And then it's like,
22:25OK, carry on.
22:26Fetid parachute might be a slight clue in as much as the shape of a parachute.
22:31Oh!
22:31Oh!
22:32Jellyfish!
22:33Not jellyfish.
22:34That's the one thing that it could have been.
22:35Mushrooms.
22:35The other one is mushrooms.
22:37Yeah, these are fungi or fungi.
22:38What?
22:39Extraordinary names for new species that occur all the time.
22:42And there are some incredible names.
22:44Pink disco.
22:45That's normal enough.
22:46Greasy bracket.
22:47All right.
22:48Punch them in the greasy bracket.
22:50I don't know.
22:51Powdery piggyback.
22:52Shall we play powdery piggyback?
22:55White brained.
22:57Jelly ear.
22:58Verdigris navel.
22:59Oh!
23:00Fragrant funnel.
23:01I'm sorry.
23:02I'm sorry.
23:03Cinnamon jelly baby.
23:05Witch's butter.
23:06Slimy earth tongue.
23:07Alan Rickman's fridge gunk.
23:09Let's just start making up.
23:10That's the nice.
23:11Fitted parachute.
23:11These are also all bands that have had a John Peele session as well.
23:14Hot trips.
23:15Twisted deceiver.
23:17Barbara Cartman's shoe tree.
23:19Bob cannon.
23:21Gassy night.
23:23And the Harry Nuts disco.
23:24There you are.
23:26So how often are they finding you?
23:28Amazingly.
23:28Amazingly.
23:29Let me tell you a remarkable story.
23:30This is in September 2014.
23:32Not very long ago.
23:33A couple of mycologists, they're called fungus experts, from Kew Gardens analyzed the DNA
23:38of a supermarket packet of Porcini mushrooms.
23:42They found three species unknown to science.
23:53The scientists named them in Latin white beef liver, delicious cattle liver fungus and edible.
23:58Wow.
24:00Do you know the worst thing is throughout that I was thinking, I wonder who's been to Kew Gardens
24:04more, Sarah or Alan?
24:07So in terms of fungi as a whole, 1,200 new species are added a year, Josh.
24:121,200 a year.
24:13Amazing, isn't it?
24:13They may account for up to 25% of the Earth's biomass.
24:17Wow.
24:18So are they really adaptive?
24:20Is that what's happening?
24:20Very.
24:20And they can be aggressive.
24:21That's why we've sort of had...
24:22Like moles.
24:23We should get them in a fight.
24:24Yes.
24:25They can be very aggressive.
24:29Although they don't exactly move, they do spread themselves in huge distances underground.
24:33I still think I could beat one in a fight.
24:36Some would beat you in a fight if you tried to eat them.
24:39Yes, of course.
24:40Which is how I fight.
24:44There you are, you see.
24:46The trichoderma fungus bumps into another species and grasps it with its hi-fi, its thin tubes,
24:52and squeezes the food out of it, so it basically takes the food from another species.
24:55Meanwhile, in the Swan Vesta reject room...
25:01Other fungi launch gas warfare.
25:03The sulphur tuft produces chemical agents.
25:05Chemical warfare against...
25:07Yeah.
25:07Against each other.
25:08Oh, my God.
25:10Mushrooms are quite small.
25:11They used to be huge.
25:12They used to be the biggest kinds of non-animal.
25:15There were.
25:16When trees and plants were just three foot tall, they were much, much bigger.
25:19I know.
25:20More phallic.
25:20Really?
25:21Apparently.
25:22Planet of the cocks.
25:26Anyway, if Frankenstein's monster came to dinner, what would you give him to eat?
25:32Electricity, I would give him.
25:34Electricity?
25:34To keep him alive?
25:35Yeah.
25:35That's what he was brought to life with.
25:37That's what I would feed him.
25:39A finger in the plug socket, or...
25:41Have you got an adapter?
25:44In the novel.
25:46Yeah.
25:46Frankenstein, or the modern Prometheus.
25:49The monster speaks, is intelligent and great and kind.
25:52And also eats.
25:55Who wrote it?
25:56Mary Shelley.
25:57Mary Shelley, who was the wife of...
25:58She was very, very young.
26:00Percy Shelley.
26:00Percy Shelley, she was young.
26:01Percy Shelley, her husband and she were two of the most notable pioneering vegetarians.
26:07Oh.
26:08And they wanted to express that feeling in the creature.
26:12Did they?
26:12The monster, as it's called.
26:14A simple, humble diet of carrots, vegetables and gallons of laudanum.
26:20So Frankenstein's monster didn't eat any...
26:22He actually has a speech in the novel.
26:24My food is not that of man.
26:26I do not destroy the lamb and the kid to glut my appetite.
26:30Acorns and berries afford me sufficient nourishment.
26:32Aw.
26:33Which is amazing.
26:33You could do better than Acorns and berries.
26:35You could have a quiche, for example.
26:38It's weird to think of Frankenstein's monster having that in common with Piglet.
26:42And a cake corn.
26:43Cake corn.
26:44Well, that's how we know that he was such a kind of kind, empathetic character.
26:48Because he lived with a bear.
26:49Yeah.
26:50Let's talk about Frankenstein's monster.
26:51Oh, sorry.
26:53When Shelley died, do you know how Shelley died?
26:55He was very young.
26:56On a boat.
26:56As Keats was.
26:57In Italy, didn't he?
26:59On a boat, quite right, yes.
27:00Oh, what's that?
27:00Yeah.
27:00It sank the aerial and his friend, Captain John Trelawney, scoured the Italian coast to find
27:04his body.
27:05And when they burnt his body at the cremation, the heart seemed to stay whole.
27:10And so Trelawney grabbed it, pulled it out, burnt his hand terribly, and gave the heart
27:15to Mary, who kept it for 30 years.
27:17Some people think now it was probably the liver, not the heart.
27:20It was burning, who knows, but it's rather touching.
27:23Byron's liver would have gone off like a bomb.
27:29Right, yeah, Frankenstein's monster was a vegetarian and fair play to him.
27:33Alan, what horrors are under your bed and how can you get rid of them?
27:40Be honest with us.
27:41Share.
27:42Don't overshare, but just share enough.
27:45Bogeyman, everyone's always scared of.
27:46Bogeyman, and how do you get rid of it?
27:49Is there a way?
27:51Fire, burning, smokeyman.
27:53Yes.
27:53Oh, a futon.
27:57Well, there is.
27:59Yeah, we have a divan base with drawers.
28:02You know, bogeyman.
28:05Well, the point is you can buy a spray that you tell your child will get rid of the bogeyman.
28:11Oh, really?
28:11Oh, great lies in a can.
28:13Yeah, so you can get the spray.
28:15We've got some.
28:15You can, I think it's under there somewhere.
28:17You can spray away the monsters.
28:18Well, yours is...
28:19Oh!
28:19Yeah, that's allowed.
28:21That's another way.
28:21Well, what if you like monsters?
28:23Well, if you like them, then don't stress it.
28:24I'm going to.
28:25You like monsters?
28:26I think I'm open to them.
28:29You've been a bit afraid of what was down the bottom of the bed.
28:32Indeed, and there are evolutionary psychologists who believe that the child's resistance to bed
28:38is actually very sensible and is part of the inbuilt thing, not wishing to sleep alone in the dark,
28:44where there are genuine monsters, animals and all kinds of things, and that's been inherited.
28:48But in Hungary, they have a monster which is most peculiar.
28:51It's called Resfasu Bagoli.
28:54I'm sure it's not pronounced like that.
28:55What it means in English is the copper penis owl.
28:59His giant owl.
29:01I'm glad you've shown me his face.
29:02Yes.
29:04His giant owl, and he has a copper penis, and he'll get you...
29:06When you say copper penis.
29:08Yeah, I mean a penis made of copper.
29:10Yeah.
29:10Not a tiny policeman.
29:14That would be scary though.
29:16And you know, the really scary part.
29:18This is a threat to children, this question.
29:20Oh.
29:21That's the point.
29:21And this is what's disturbing, is that the copper penis owl will get you if you don't do what
29:27your mother tells you.
29:28What does he get you?
29:29Oh.
29:29Oh my god.
29:31What kind of mother would say that to a child?
29:33If you don't behave, the copper penis owl will get you.
29:38Imagine that.
29:38You're lying in bed at night, and you hear,
29:40Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
29:44Oh my god, it's tarnished.
29:46There is some research to show that people who play a lot of computer games can sometimes
29:51develop the ability to take control of their nightmares, and fight back with it.
29:55Yeah.
29:56It's rather good, isn't it?
29:57Take it to the next level.
29:58Take it to the next level.
30:00Exactly.
30:00Now, how do you keep a blue man happy?
30:04Oh.
30:06I am once auditioned for the blue man.
30:07Did you?
30:09Did you?
30:09I auditioned for everything that was in the stage, which is a newspaper for out-of-work
30:14actors, and I did not read the advert properly.
30:16Oh.
30:16And not only do you need to be a man to be in the blue man group, but you also
30:20need
30:20to be over six foot five.
30:22Huge.
30:22And I was in the queue thinking, I think I've got this.
30:26I'm very special for one of these people.
30:29So what is it, what is the blue man group?
30:31They're just...
30:31They're a huge success, aren't they?
30:33Oh, they're enormous.
30:34There they are.
30:35Yeah.
30:35It started in New York, and...
30:37I didn't get it, if anyone would.
30:38I mean, there are five, five running, just in the United States.
30:41And whenever you're in any city in the world, you see a poster for the blue man group.
30:45The tourist fodder.
30:46Because they're not dependent on language, are they?
30:48That's what they're being...
30:49Exactly.
30:49That's a very good point.
30:50Very good point.
30:51But these blue men are monsters in the world, that we're in the monstery world.
30:54Not the Smurfs, then.
30:57These are the blue men of the Minch.
30:59Between the north-west coast of Scotland and the Hebrides.
31:03Oh.
31:03And the blue men of the Minch, they're also known as sea kelpies.
31:08Oh.
31:09Oh, he's a charmer.
31:11Yeah.
31:11And they used to lure sea folk.
31:14Always luring, aren't they, monsters?
31:16They create severe storms.
31:17But they had a really unique line in allowing you to be saved.
31:21And that is, they would shout out two lines of poetry.
31:24And if you could shout back two, which rhymed, that pleased them,
31:28they would let your ship go without you.
31:30There was a young man from the noon.
31:36That's right.
31:37We have one example in Scottish mythology.
31:38Perhaps you could supply the reply.
31:41The chief of the blue men called out, thus do a ship's captain,
31:43My men are eager, my men are ready to drag you below the waves.
31:49My men are...
31:49One's called Steve, one called Zeddy.
31:52They have a three-year-old Dave's.
32:00I think they would have been insane not to let you off with that.
32:03In fact, the rather dull one that saved the skippers of that ship...
32:07But were they on?
32:07My ship is speedy, my ship is steady.
32:10If it sank, it would wreck your caves.
32:13That's rubbish.
32:14I like to think that it was like a proto version of The Voice.
32:17They were on chairs the other way round.
32:20And they shouted the rhymes.
32:21They were like, yeah, that rhymes.
32:23If they'd just said to me, my men are eager, my men are ready to drag you below the waves,
32:28I'd never have thought they want me to rhyme with this.
32:32I haven't seen that as a threat.
32:35I think that's what hecklers have been wanting all along.
32:39Something's on the same word.
32:41Yeah, I've got all the time back.
32:43The theory is that they were blue because they'd painted themselves,
32:48and Latin for de-paint is pictum, as in picture and depict and...
32:55Picts.
32:56Picts, exactly.
32:57They were picts, the Picts and the Scots.
32:58They were picts in woad, possibly on kayaks, who were aggressive,
33:02and did indeed colonise in Scotland, so maybe that's who they were.
33:05Angus, can you hear lions singing?
33:10Sounds awfully nice.
33:13Well, if you don't want to sink in the minch,
33:15think of something that rhymes at a pinch.
33:19Um, yeah.
33:20Ah, it's a cinch.
33:21So, now, it's time to descend into the dark and fetid nest of nasties
33:26that is general ignorance.
33:27First, some real sea monsters.
33:29Fingers on buzzers.
33:30Why do great white sharks bite people?
33:32Ah!
33:33Yes.
33:33Just to keep himself in the news.
33:41It's so good and so true.
33:43Is it because they think they're something else?
33:45It's a pretty good answer, yes.
33:48I mean...
33:48People say it's because the shadow of a person,
33:50especially if they're surfing, looks like a seal.
33:52No, you see, the thing is, when they do eat seals,
33:54but when they eat seals, it's a frenzy, it's a torpedo,
33:56they dive in and there's nothing left.
33:58Ah!
33:58But when they attack people, they just take a bite.
34:01And they usually then go off.
34:03So it's generally believed that it's a kind of curiosity.
34:05Yeah.
34:06What is this?
34:06The hog.
34:07Like a party with a vol-up on.
34:09Yeah, basically.
34:11I'll just take a...
34:12I'll take a little bit of it.
34:13Oh, no, no, no.
34:14See what it is.
34:16That's generally believed that I love it.
34:17Going over to his mates going,
34:18don't try that.
34:19It's horrible.
34:20Don't put it back on the tray.
34:21Don't put it back on the tray.
34:23Don't put it back on the tray.
34:23You started it now.
34:25Curious rather than predatory is the way their behaviour is.
34:28Wrap your napkin, put it in your pocket.
34:30If you're a human and you lose half your leg,
34:32you don't obviously think of it like that.
34:34No, no.
34:35The point is if they wanted to kill you,
34:36they are such ferocious things.
34:38I've sated your curiosity!
34:41So, yeah, sharks like to have a nibble
34:44before they decide whether or not we're worth munching.
34:46Who has the biggest face in America?
34:51Oh, is it one of Mount Rushmore?
34:56Oh!
35:00No, it's not a clock.
35:02No, it's not a clock.
35:04Good.
35:04Very smart.
35:06OK.
35:06Where's Mount Rushmore?
35:08Dakota.
35:08South Africa.
35:09And this particular huge face,
35:13which is bigger by far than either of the four presidents there,
35:17but you can get a point for naming them.
35:20Washington, Lincoln, and the other two.
35:24McKinley, no.
35:25And Jefferson.
35:27Jefferson.
35:28And Teddy Roosevelt.
35:29Oh!
35:30Oh!
35:31Oh!
35:31Oh, we can all do that at the end, Josh.
35:34Oh, look at them!
35:35Just Sunday!
35:36Oh, hold him a museum!
35:39I was going to go Obama, so...
35:4515 miles away from Mount Rushmore is the biggest face in America.
35:4915 miles.
35:50Which is an ongoing work, also sculpting a face.
35:53Oh, it's the Indian head.
35:54Yes, it's the head of a Lakota Sioux Indian chief,
35:57who was a hero to his people.
35:59Oh, yes.
35:59It's been done by one person who's been doing it for about 20 years.
36:02The French and Polish guy I've met him is extraordinary, yeah.
36:04He's going to be much, much bigger than them, isn't he?
36:07Yes.
36:0887 feet high is the face.
36:09And do you know the name of the Indian brave?
36:11He won for his people a battle,
36:14which, of course, was only a battle.
36:15They lost the war, obviously.
36:16Sitting bull?
36:17Crazy horse.
36:18Steve.
36:19Crazy horse.
36:19Wow!
36:21Crazy horses.
36:22There it is.
36:23Oh, it's beautiful.
36:23He beat Custer in the Battle of Little Bighorn.
36:27Yeah.
36:27But they never found rhubarb.
36:33Lordy Lord.
36:34Um, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da-da.
36:37But if you go sideways on, he's on his horse.
36:39Look now, there's a big Indian after you.
36:41Crazy horse.
36:42Yeah.
36:43So one guy's done this?
36:44Yeah.
36:45Amazing.
36:46And he's still doing it.
36:47That's why it's taken so long.
36:48Why did he start?
36:48You had to buy the mountain first,
36:50or did you just do it on somebody else's?
36:52Because I'd be really angry if that was in my garden.
36:54You know, the really impressive thing is that he's done it with sandpaper.
36:59Is he going to get to the end, and then they're going to realise he hasn't got planning permission?
37:04You have to rebuild the original mountain as it was.
37:09Put it all back.
37:11There you can see how it should look.
37:13Oh, wow.
37:14That's the real thing in the background.
37:16It's a noble endeavour, but, goodness me, it's taking him a long time.
37:19I don't know if he's using dynamite, because that's what they used in Mount Rushmore.
37:23They used dynamite to four inches worth of accuracy.
37:26Oh, really?
37:27All those little features, the nose and everything else.
37:29Unbelievable.
37:30It was going to be Lewis and Clark, the explorers, you know, who opened up the West,
37:34and it was going to be Chief Red Cloud and Buffalo Bill.
37:37But then they decided it should be presidents to get on the right side of politics, I suppose.
37:42There's Buffalo Bill, obviously Lewis and Clark on the right.
37:44And you know what you do after a good dynamite?
37:47Pew party.
37:51That was the biggest pew party of all time.
37:55Anyway, name the largest single man-made structure on the planet.
38:00Oh.
38:01Ah, yeah.
38:02Not falling for that one.
38:03No way.
38:04No way!
38:05Is it going to be a 50-mile-long tunnel or a bridge or something like that?
38:09Yeah.
38:09But what we've got out of the way, because it's hanging here like a worry,
38:13Yeah.
38:13Is it's not the Great Wall of China.
38:14Oh, okay.
38:15Try a continent where it might be.
38:17Yeah.
38:17Okay.
38:18Europe is not where it is.
38:19Asia, nor Asia, nor Australia.
38:21North America.
38:22North America.
38:23North America.
38:23North America.
38:24North America.
38:24Antarctica.
38:25North Antarctica.
38:26North Antarctica.
38:27Russia.
38:35I'm really, really like Banky Moon isn't watching this one.
38:37Africa.
38:39Africa.
38:41So, is it an Egyptian?
38:42Is it North?
38:43It's Nigeria, in fact.
38:45It's the Great Earthworks of Benin.
38:47The Great Earthworks of Benin.
38:49Yeah.
38:51It's almost all the walls of Benin.
38:53The wall, of course.
38:54Benin.
38:55Defensive earthworks.
38:56The earthen walls of Benin in the...
38:58Dug by the Edo people.
39:0010,000 miles in length.
39:0210,000 miles.
39:0310,000 miles in length.
39:0410,000 miles in length.
39:06How could I forget?
39:09Four times longer than the Great Wall of China.
39:12Okay.
39:12A little wall.
39:13Consumed a hundred times more material than the Great Pyramid of Cheops.
39:16Took 700 years.
39:18An estimated 150 million hours of digging.
39:21Severely damaged by...
39:23The British...
39:26...sacked and burned Benin in 1897.
39:28Aren't the British?
39:29Yes.
39:29Well, they just wouldn't do as they were told.
39:33It's only so much gentle persuasion we've got time for.
39:37Second burn, then fuck the Earthworks.
39:41More or less exactly what happened.
39:44And then we twisted the knife by not remembering Africa existed.
39:50What did they build it for?
39:51Defensive.
39:52Keep out the British.
39:53Keep out the British.
39:54Keep out the British.
39:55You won't build it.
39:56Get out of the wire.
39:57Yeah.
39:58Dig! Dig!
39:59Because you could argue that the Eurasian road network is a bigger thing,
40:04because it covers Portugal all the way to Siberia.
40:08You can drive across that a lot.
40:09It's all connected by road.
40:11You know, it's...
40:11So who do we take this up with?
40:12The Guinness Book of Records?
40:14Or do we go to Nigeria?
40:16And it was...
40:16Okay, I think you've found we've got something bigger, actually.
40:18And further twist the knife again!
40:21The monstrous walls of Benin were the biggest thing ever built
40:24until we monstrously knocked them down.
40:26All of which brings us to the monstrous scores.
40:30It's...
40:31Remarkable.
40:32I'm going to start...
40:33You've all done, may I say, remarkably well.
40:37In last place with a score that sometimes could be a winning score
40:41of minus seven is Josh Whittacombe!
40:46In third place, with minus two...
40:51Ooh, it's Sarah Bosco!
40:58No!
40:59Tell me it ain't so!
41:01In second place, with plus five, Alan Davis!
41:10How close it was, because the winner by a whisker on six points
41:14is Phil Jupiter!
41:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:23And I leave you with these words from Andre Breton.
41:30The man who can't visualise a horse galloping on a tomato
41:34is an idiot.
41:37You may want some protection from the drum...
41:37...a...
41:37...a little front.
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