- 1 day ago
First broadcast 15th January 2016.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sue Perkins
Romesh Ranganathan
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sue Perkins
Romesh Ranganathan
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to True Eye, which
00:04tonight is a menagerie of animals beginning with M. Let's meet our man children, the mammalian Romesh Ranganathan, the marsupial
00:20Belbelli, the microscopic Sue Perkins,
00:30and the missing mink, Alan Davis.
00:38So, let's hear it for the monkeys, please. Sue goes...
00:44Stop! Stop!
00:47Romesh goes...
00:50Bill goes...
00:53You do, actually, don't you?
00:57And Alan goes...
01:03So, it's a menagerie. Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
01:08Very good, well done.
01:10Thank you very much.
01:11What just happened?
01:13I found an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
01:17Boom!
01:18Wow!
01:19That is impressive.
01:22Is that what we say now?
01:24We say things later.
01:25This is about menageries. Animal collections.
01:28That monkey's really staring you out, Steve.
01:31All right.
01:32Now, do an impression, if you can, of a moose on the pool.
01:37Oh, a moose on the pool? Okay.
01:40Rawr!
01:41Very good.
01:42Probably.
01:43What that will enter into it.
01:44But it goes, um, are you a parking ticket because you got fine written all over you?
01:53Is that a genuine pick-up line? I love it.
01:56I think it might be.
01:56Is it fine written all over you?
01:58Is it a...
01:59It's not like the sound, it's actually a physical, maybe?
02:01Oh, that was still...
02:02It's a physical impression.
02:03Did you do that?
02:03A male moose would do that.
02:05Eh? Eh? Eh?
02:06Did it go up on...
02:07Does it go up on its rear legs? Eh? Eh? Eh?
02:13See anything you like?
02:15Moose lady?
02:18Or moose gentleman.
02:19Moose lady?
02:21So, what order of mammals is a moose?
02:24It's an elk, isn't it? Or a deer or something.
02:25Well, an elk is simply a European name for what Americans call a moose.
02:29I've seen one.
02:30Yeah.
02:31I've seen one.
02:32Is it a sound for you?
02:33I was on a calendar and I'm staying in a cabin.
02:35Yeah.
02:35And I woke up in the morning and I looked out the window and it was right outside the window.
02:39They're almost entirely silent.
02:41Yes.
02:42They're so stealthy.
02:43You wouldn't think.
02:43I mean, they're huge.
02:44They're like a horse.
02:45Oh, right.
02:46But they hardly make any sound at all.
02:47And they creep about.
02:48Frankly, they're unnerving.
02:49They're surreptitious.
02:50Oh, right.
02:51Surreptitious.
02:52So, I'm amazed that it makes any noise.
02:53Would it be more like this then?
02:54Would it be more like, sort of, don't look away.
02:56Pretend you're a moose.
02:58Like, you know, a disco or something.
03:02Or like...
03:02You're going to see a bunker.
03:03Oh!
03:07Is that something like that?
03:14He said, fancy a bunker.
03:16He hasn't chatted anywhere else since their seventies, haven't you?
03:20I sort of feel sorry for animals.
03:22Like, well, moose as well.
03:24Because they haven't got...
03:25How do you...
03:26You know, if you're going on the pool as a moose, how do you stick out from the herd?
03:30You know like if you if you're a human and and you're struggling on the pool you can get like
03:33a snazzy haircut or like a cool jacket
03:37So the moose does something else ah, it goes on tinder
03:51What are they as an order of mammal?
03:55Yeah, they are dear. They are dear. What's the deer's mating season the males called it?
04:00They rush the rut and one of the things they do in their rut the males. Yeah, is they dig
04:04a hole?
04:06This is equivalent of wearing a
04:10And they urinate into the hole, right, and then they pull all the pissy mud
04:17That's got it sexy time. Yes, they all around their legs and all around their bodies
04:21They cover themselves in urine-soaked mud dirty, and they go a little distance from the hole
04:26They sit down they wait for the female to come who as a female would we go? I like the
04:31smell of this
04:36And they get in there and they cover themselves in that mixture and then many says fancy a bunker yeah
04:45Yeah, but before that they've got to go through the other rutting procedure
04:48Which is why they've got the answers and that's fighting with other males so that's like after
04:53After they fought with the males and they won yeah, then they have the honor of pissing in the money
04:58Is that their prize?
05:00It's nature's way of telling them. I would just I would just take a dive if I was in that
05:04situation
05:04Yeah, that's the reward. You know what mate? I don't fancy pissy mud today. I'm just gonna go down
05:09Aren't there any female moose that aren't necessarily drawn in by the toxic heady brew of urine mud and some
05:16slightly wonky antlers?
05:18Well if they are unfortunately they'd probably die out because the only ones that mate are the ones that go
05:23in for this and then pass on their genes
05:25What's it smell like?
05:27As bad as it sounds I fear
05:29Are you moose curious now?
05:34I am moose curious
05:35I am moose curious
05:36I want to smell your mud
05:39Moosey boy
05:41Maybe you can get extra points if you can do what a moose could do and that's how each eye
05:48moving independently of the other
05:50Oh no, I can't do that
05:51I actually thought you were going to say if you were preparing to urinate in a muddy hole
05:55I can do that, I don't know if you can see but like that you go
06:00Oh
06:03You can do that, what's your mud pissing like?
06:07Am I doing it?
06:08You don't want to do it
06:10What's the plural of moose?
06:12Moose
06:12Moose
06:13Yeah, although it's actually a Cree word, a Cree Indian word
06:16Yeah
06:17And the real plural should be musuch
06:19Which is rather good, isn't it?
06:21One moose, two musuch
06:22I like musuch
06:23That's quite sort of Yiddish
06:24Musuch
06:25Musuch
06:25Yeah, I like it
06:26Good word
06:27Anyway, to impress the females a moose on the pole really has to splash out of it
06:33The moose is the world's largest deer but how might a tiger help an old deer get home?
06:40Do they...
06:41Do they organise licensed minicabs for free after midnight?
06:46This is a set up isn't it?
06:47It is, yeah
06:48We don't mean an old deer like that
06:49It's not, it's actually an old lady
06:51And we can't mention, if we say zebra crossing then there's going to be a klaxon going off
06:57You're far smarter than we are
06:59Oh right
07:02I fooled the klaxon, finally!
07:06Yes!
07:06Yes!
07:11It's a dream, isn't it?
07:12It is a dream
07:14So, the word deer and the letter M
07:16We've had moose
07:17A musk?
07:18This is probably, you may not, even you as a fine...
07:20Monk Jack
07:21A fine zoologist
07:23May not have heard of this
07:24No, Monk Jack is not
07:25It's Chinese deer that for 1200 years has been...
07:29Chinese deer
07:29Chinese!
07:33Hey?
07:34He said it's Chinese deer
07:35Sharding down, thanks!
07:39Isn't it Wednesday?
07:40No, Chinese!
07:41Oh, do I like lager?
07:45Yeah, that's tail made, he likes it
07:47What is this?
07:47It's been...
07:48It's been...
07:49It's been...
07:50I like lager
07:52Do I like lager?
07:54Yes, dear
07:54Thank you!
07:57It's been extinct for 1200 years
08:00In the wild it's been extinct
08:02Oh, right
08:02But, it was saved actually by the Europeans, particularly the British
08:06Mink
08:06Er...
08:07Mink is...
08:08I'm saying things that begin with M
08:09I'm not on...
08:10Mouth deer
08:10Is it a Chinese word?
08:13It's the...
08:13Well, it probably originally was
08:15Mouthsy tongue deer
08:16Is it mandarin?
08:18Good try
08:19Bloody good effort
08:21Do you know?
08:22It tells the other deer to really think about their failings
08:28Milu
08:28Milu is a type of deer
08:31Milu, right
08:311200 years ago
08:32It was made extinct in the wild
08:35Because...
08:36Huh!
08:36The Chinese thought the antlers were an aphrodisiac
08:40Oh, of course they did
08:41Oh, of course they did
08:41Anyway, this poor deer was indeed rendered virtually extinct
08:45A few European travellers smuggled some out of China
08:48Including the 11th Duke of Bedford
08:50Who put them in a park in Woburn Abbey
08:53And they more or less thrived
08:55Yes
08:55Or was it through?
08:57And...
08:57It's great
08:58By the time it got to 1985
08:59It was decided that maybe they should be reintroduced to China
09:02Oh dear
09:04Oh
09:05The primary problem was
09:07They didn't know which part of China they came from
09:10There was no record
09:10No
09:11Of course not
09:12Well it's all pretty...
09:13I mean it's very diverse as well
09:14Yeah
09:15It is hugely diverse
09:16And so you've got to get it right
09:17And they knew the Milu liked squashy, marshy places
09:22They swam very well
09:23And they had wide feet
09:25And it suggested a marshy environment
09:27Yeah
09:27And then they thought
09:28Well maybe we should see which animals they have a little atavistic memory of
09:33And they played sound tapes to them
09:36Of different animals
09:37A whole list of them
09:39Crows, dogs, tigers, leopards, wolves, bears and lions
09:42Mm
09:43And the one they responded to the strongest was the sound of the tiger
09:47Mm
09:48So they found an area of China where there were tiger fossils
09:51Because amazingly there are virtually no tigers left alone in China
09:55Because their penises are aphrodisional
09:57Yeah
09:58And um
09:59That's right but you have to kill them first
10:01Yes
10:01Yes they do
10:02And they found the fossils and the marshy place and they pop them there
10:06Who was it responsible?
10:07Is the Chinese government responsible for this?
10:09I think it was a cooperative thing between Woban Abbey and China to bring them back
10:13Yeah
10:13Right
10:14Because the record on animal welfare is not
10:16Oh amazing
10:17Well it's uh
10:18It's a little bit shaky
10:19That's
10:20So I'm amazed that fear that it's going through
10:21Yeah
10:22Now
10:23You were a maths teacher weren't you?
10:25I was yeah
10:25Well you'll love this
10:27Okay
10:28Of course
10:28Could you divide 355 by 100?
10:31313
10:31Oh
10:32I can't
10:33Oh no
10:34Is that the question you're asking?
10:36We relied on you
10:36It's actually a Chinese number called Milu
10:38Same word
10:39Oh
10:39Probably pitched utterly differently
10:41And it's the Chinese version of Pi
10:43Pi
10:44Oh I see
10:44Yeah
10:45I've actually got that
10:46It's not quite as accurate to as many places
10:48It's easily remembered actually
10:49You say how do you remember 355 but divided by 113
10:52If you take the 113 and put it in front
10:54You've got the first three odd numbers in pairs
10:58113355
10:59And the answer as you see is
11:01It's Pi
11:02It proves it because it's in chalk
11:04It does
11:05Did you use chalk as a teacher?
11:07Err no actually
11:08We used to wear these interactive whiteboards
11:10You know
11:10It's so young
11:11Oh it was so exciting
11:13Kids can come up and press the buttons on the screen and all that
11:16But it takes so long to plan that
11:18So I switched off all the functionality and just use it as a regular whiteboard
11:21You know
11:21It's just
11:22I remember when I was at school
11:24You'd get the whiteboard rubber thrown at you
11:26That was like a discipline tool
11:27Yeah
11:27My teachers like the blackboard rubber
11:30Because they could throw it at you
11:31Yeah
11:32Oh yeah
11:32Land it on the desk in front of you so you get covered in chalk
11:36It's rather unfashionable now apparently
11:38Yes
11:39You say unfashionable
11:41It's illegal
11:41Oh
11:43You say that
11:46You say that
11:47We had a situation where
11:48There was a kid in one of my classes being very difficult
11:51And so we called the parents and said listen
11:53The kid's out of line
11:55I think you've done a bad job of bringing him up
11:57No he didn't say that
11:57You just
11:58You just
11:59You internalised that
12:00I bet you wanted to
12:01Yeah
12:02And then he said
12:03Can't you just hit him?
12:06And I said
12:07Well we're not allowed to do that
12:08And then he said
12:09What if I gave you a letter
12:14That said you were allowed to hit him
12:15Would it work with the European Court of Human Rights?
12:17I thought
12:18I thought
12:18I thought
12:19I've got this
12:20I've got this
12:20Yeah
12:22I've got a free pass
12:24Well there you are
12:25Yeah we don't really know what the milus milia was
12:28But we think it involved tigers
12:30Where would you find the world's most dangerous moustache?
12:33Oh
12:35Oh yeah
12:36Lot's selic there
12:37Aren't they all
12:38Aren't they all dangerous?
12:40The reason I'm saying this is because I've been told that
12:42Beards and moustaches are
12:45Havens for
12:46Disease and bacteria and stuff
12:48I've started shampooing mine
12:49I use a sort of an elderberry shampoo now
12:52Elderberry?
12:52Yeah
12:53And then I
12:56I use a mango and vanilla oil
12:59Oh lovely
12:59Post shallow
13:00Do you get a lot of like fruit eating birds?
13:04Like collecting
13:06Is it beard or moustache that you're saying is dangerous?
13:09I wasn't saying anything it was romesh
13:11But the start of this was what is a moustache dangerous?
13:14I'm sorry that's the question
13:15Yeah
13:16Yeah
13:17Sorry
13:18Oh
13:18Good lord
13:20Can I just point out that this bit of Hitler's moustache
13:27Is that a
13:29Shadow
13:30That's shadow
13:30Is that
13:31Did he cut a bit off there?
13:33Is that a shadow?
13:34That's what ticks him over the edge
13:36It was
13:37He was saving his
13:38So we're criticizing Hitler now
13:40Yes
13:41I know
13:42The more I hear about him
13:44The less I like
13:46Of course we're in a menagerie world here
13:48So this moustache is not belonging to a human being
13:52Is it of course?
13:52A moustache or a shark?
13:53That's dangerous
13:54Is it the moustached lizard?
13:57No
13:57Is it the Terry Thomas gecko?
13:59Komodo dragon
14:00You could go dragon
14:01It's not a dragon
14:02It's not an iguana
14:03It's actually
14:04Komodo dragon
14:05Ba-dung
14:05Ba-dung
14:05Oh the gecko
14:07The leaping lizard
14:08The great bouncing lizard
14:09Selic frog
14:11Amphibious
14:11The trampoline
14:13Amphibious
14:13Other one
14:14Toad
14:14Is the right answer
14:15It's a toad
14:16It's a toad
14:17It's the moustachio toad
14:18Moustachio toad
14:19The only
14:20There it is
14:21Look at that
14:22Wow
14:22Look how he's done it
14:27Those studs
14:28Those studs
14:28Again we're back in the rutting world
14:30Oh look at that
14:30Tear at a fellow male
14:32So that you can get the right to mate
14:33Wow
14:33And then give the worst snog of all time
14:37Oh yes
14:38Well it lives in China
14:39Oh of course it does
14:41Not for long
14:45The moustache has medicinal properties
14:47Yeah
14:48In the mating season
14:50It builds up its forearms
14:52Oh yeah
14:52Right
14:53Partly for combat
14:54But also for mating
14:55For the
14:56Grasping
14:57The female
14:58And then it grows this moustache
15:00And then they fight a male rival
15:02At the bottom of the river stream
15:04Yes
15:04Over a particular female
15:05And they aim for each other's stomachs
15:08To rip at them
15:09And it's really
15:10It's nasty business
15:11Yeah
15:1190% of toads involved in this kind of combat
15:14Are injured
15:15So it's a really pretty
15:16God it makes you grateful
15:17To be a human
15:19Yeah
15:19Yeah
15:20Really?
15:21That's your life?
15:22Underwater
15:22Stomach ripping
15:24Yeah
15:24The intestinal jarred
15:26By somebody's weird pointy moustache
15:28Yeah
15:28Not for me
15:29When they then get the female
15:30They fertilise the eggs
15:31That the females laid
15:32They get her a little rock
15:33They have to stay on the rock
15:34Or another male might
15:36Challenge them for the rock
15:37And fertilise the spare eggs
15:39And then when they are hatched
15:40It sheds
15:41Sheds its horns
15:42It sheds its moustache
15:43And goes around clean shaving
15:45Oh wow
15:46Wow
15:46The M-A-E-M-E-I
15:48M-A-E-M-E-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
15:53-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
15:54-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
15:58-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
16:01-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
16:03-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
16:18A genital plug? A genital plug. Is that an advert for your genitals?
16:36A genital plug is when the female after mating then produces this this bung at the end of its entrance
16:43to stop other males
16:44from mating so that it guarantees the successful male will pass on its genes. Is it nature's chastity built?
16:51Kind of yes. Afterwards a male spider that tries to mount her and mate her will find it's rebuffed by
16:57the genital plug. Nothing hurts more than a plug.
17:00Exactly. So as you know the whole aim of a male is to pass on its genes. That's what it's
17:05all about. Not with a genital plug it won't.
17:07No. Exactly. That was madeable from Tesco.
17:10Yeah. Because scientists are interesting creatures, arachnologists I suppose, they tested to see how useful these hairs were on the
17:18male by shaving some of the males and the shaved males aroused less interest in the females.
17:23Who's funding this research?
17:26You are!
17:29This must be lottery winners who go, yeah, well we were...shave a spider.
17:36Brilliant, brilliant!
17:38On an evolutionary level, surely the lady spider would want to get as many men as possible.
17:43What the female wants to do is to attract the strongest, bravest, biggest of the species.
17:50Yes.
17:51Because the eggs can only be fertilised once.
17:53But you'd want the spider that goes, bun, that's nothing to me!
17:56Oh, yeah, that's true, aren't you? That's probably true.
17:59I'm so sweet.
18:05So, um...
18:06No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
18:07I don't think, I think it's probably more like...
18:09Tsk, tsk, tsk.
18:12It's a little fuck up.
18:12And then, yeah, and then...
18:14Yeah, then, yeah, exactly.
18:15But not straight out.
18:16In a million years that will happen.
18:18That the male spiders will evolve.
18:20She can't wait that long with a bung in, huh?
18:21No, well, not...
18:22Yeah.
18:23I'm sorry, love, I've got a plug in.
18:25I'm sorry.
18:26I've got a...
18:27Glade plug in.
18:29I've got a...
18:30Glade plug in.
18:31Well, you won't get us.
18:33And that's where they got the name from.
18:36There's another spider with a moustache, and that's the brown huntsman.
18:40Oh, yeah.
18:40It has a luminous white moustache, or yellowy white.
18:43Which is...
18:44Ginger.
18:45What do you think...
18:46What do you think its purpose is?
18:48Er...
18:48Draft Excluder.
18:49Arachnid Hatch.
18:50Well, there are two things animals.
18:52No.
18:52Have to do.
18:53Sex.
18:54Sex and eat.
18:54Eat.
18:55Food.
18:55Food.
18:55This one is food, rather than sex.
18:57Does it attract things?
18:58It's moths, because it's luminous.
18:59Oh, I see, right.
19:00Yeah.
19:00Beautiful.
19:00So the moth sees that little luminous moustache, and ignores the hideousness of the rest of
19:08that creature.
19:10It looks like the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
19:12Oh, it's glowing!
19:13Do you know what I mean?
19:14It is night, you see.
19:16Ah, okay.
19:16So by the time the moth is close up, it's too late.
19:19Arrgh!
19:20Okay.
19:20But it's a horrible last few seconds for that moth.
19:22Just the realisation.
19:23Just...
19:24Oh, shit!
19:25Yeah.
19:27Now, we all know there are perfectly good reasons for shaving a toad or a spider.
19:32But why would you want to shave the monkey?
19:38Do you know it?
19:39Do you know it?
19:40Do you know it?
19:41To find out if it was the Antichrist.
19:43And the 666 or related number according to it, as we've been told that.
19:48Is it some sort of, like, monkey stag do?
19:52Yeah.
19:53Well...
19:53And then he goes to sleep.
19:54And then they shave him completely.
19:55And then you wake up and go...
19:56It's not that.
19:57If I said this with extreme slowness and laziness...
20:02Sloth!
20:03Are you a lazy monkey?
20:04I would be languid or...
20:05Langer!
20:06Langer!
20:07Langer!
20:08Oh, I love it.
20:08Langer.
20:09Where do you find langur monkeys?
20:11Langurs.
20:12I mean, that one in the middle does not look lazy.
20:16Psychotic!
20:17Yes!
20:17The word is langur.
20:19Oh, right.
20:19I'm sorry.
20:20Do they like Madagascar?
20:21Do they go there?
20:22I don't think so.
20:23It's all lemurs, I think.
20:24They're India.
20:25India.
20:25I mean, such a lot.
20:27There's a real problem.
20:28They're considered an infestation.
20:31And so Indian authorities decided they would try something.
20:35Which is, you shave the leader of a particular troop of langurs.
20:41Yes.
20:41The alpha male.
20:42Yeah.
20:42And rather than him being expelled and another male taking his place, the group disbands.
20:49Oh.
20:49And that sort of solves the problem of the infestation because they're damn nuisance.
20:54Pests, they're considered.
20:55I mean, in their own place, the jungle.
20:59That could be quite scary.
20:59Fantastic animals.
21:00Amazing.
21:01Leaping through the trees.
21:02But once they get habituated to humans, they pull your hair, they bite you.
21:05I've got a howler monkey bite here that still aggravates me.
21:08Oh, poor Steve.
21:09Yes.
21:10Were you trying to shave it?
21:11No.
21:13For your own wicked purpose.
21:15For your own wicked purpose.
21:19Just horrible.
21:20I like a smooth monkey, my girl.
21:22Take him away.
21:23Take him away.
21:23It's monkeys to me.
21:24Oh, yes.
21:25Bring him to me.
21:26Oh, yes.
21:26I shave him.
21:28No.
21:29Oh.
21:29Oh.
21:29Ah!
21:30Ah!
21:31In 2001, several large langurs were employed by the Indian government.
21:37Oh.
21:37Paid in the form of bananas.
21:39Mm.
21:40And they basically had to police the defence centre where rhesus macaques were stealing
21:44food and paperwork.
21:46They were pulling women's saris.
21:48Very anti-bureaucracy.
21:50It was the Ministry of Defence complex, exactly.
21:52And so they were small.
21:54Right.
21:54And so they got the big langurs to police them, essentially.
21:57Oh, dear.
21:57And they did.
21:57They pushed them out to the post office.
22:02They've worked there ever since.
22:04They've been doing paperwork, yeah?
22:05Yeah.
22:06But I mean, the thing is, yeah, the baboons in Cape Town, they have to have monitors,
22:10because they're protected.
22:11So they can't actually...
22:12Yeah.
22:12They can't actually sort of take them out and go on sort of a purge.
22:15No.
22:15No, it's illegal to kill them.
22:17Right.
22:17It's like killing a cow.
22:18They are sacred.
22:19Yeah.
22:19In the Hindu religion, the god Lord Hanuman, apparently, is the monkey god.
22:24Yes.
22:24But they're a damn nuisance, so it's very difficult to know what to do.
22:26But shaving seems a good answer.
22:28Well, there you are.
22:29What's quite interesting about this macaque?
22:31Well, on the subject of macaques.
22:34Oh, this is, erm, a Silhouette macaque.
22:37And this is the one that took a picture of itself, is it?
22:40It's a selfie macaque.
22:42It's a macaque selfie.
22:42Well done.
22:43Absolutely right.
22:44This is a macaque type of monkey in Indonesia that a British photographer took.
22:49Well, he didn't.
22:50Or did he?
22:51That's the question.
22:52Ah.
22:52So who owns the copyright of the photo?
22:54That's the question.
22:55The US court decided...
22:57I'm glad it went that far.
23:00That surely is a vindication of every legal system.
23:02It's a British photographer, David Slater, his name is.
23:05But the copyright officer said that to be copyrightable, a work must owe its origin to a human being.
23:10And they've decided this wouldn't.
23:11But, of course, it does owe its origin to him because he set the camera up on a tripod.
23:16Yeah.
23:16Got the exposure correct.
23:18And it so happened that the macaque pressed the button.
23:23But to say that, therefore, he doesn't have copyright over that picture seems a bit extraordinary.
23:27So what, did they have, every time they use a photo they were suggesting that he goes and consults the
23:31macaque?
23:32Well, supposedly uncopyrightable because copyright law only applies to humans.
23:37But does it also, because that's human technology, so that's that guy's phone or that guy's camera.
23:42Yeah.
23:43So surely he should have the copyright.
23:44Well, this is our feeling as well, which is why we have chosen to pay him for the rights to
23:48the photograph.
23:50Well, as you normally do on television.
23:51If something is copyright, you pay.
23:53Is that how this came about?
23:54That someone said, we're not paying you, you didn't take it?
23:56Some have said that to him and he's a bit annoyed.
23:58But he did a good post, though, didn't he?
24:01He did.
24:01He smiled.
24:02Yeah.
24:03And the cat on the right is about to actually take the camera and that will end all the time.
24:08Anyway, how do you titillate this ocelot?
24:16It's pretty vicious, isn't it?
24:17I mean, those things will have your arm off, aren't they?
24:19Well done for not saying the famous thing of how do you titillate an ocelot.
24:22Which is to?
24:23Oscillate its titillot.
24:25Oscillate its titillot.
24:28We didn't do that.
24:30This is a tree ocelot, which actually is better known by another name, which begins with our theme letter.
24:36There it is.
24:36Beautiful animal.
24:37Oh.
24:38I've played with one with a kitten.
24:39A kitten one.
24:40They're absolutely extraordinary.
24:42I don't know what they call it.
24:42They're called Margays.
24:44Margays.
24:44Margay.
24:45M-A-R-G-A-Y.
24:47Margay.
24:47And they are a tree ocelot because, as you can see from that photo, they are tree-dwelling.
24:52Have you shaved it, Stephen?
24:53Didn't shave it.
24:55They are almost unique amongst the cat family in that not only can they climb trees headfirst.
25:02They can fell them with axes.
25:05They can descend trees headfirst.
25:08Which no other cat except the cloud leopard couldn't do.
25:10God, look at that.
25:11There they are.
25:11He's rappelling.
25:12He's rappelling down the tree.
25:13He is, basically, isn't he?
25:14Look at that.
25:14And they do this by revolving their ankles 180 degrees.
25:18Oh, that is fantastic.
25:21They're really extraordinary.
25:22I'm so poised.
25:23They're not many tree-living cats.
25:26Are they ankles?
25:26Yeah.
25:27And the fact that other cats can't is the reason they own the trees.
25:31They're stuck in a tree business.
25:32They're stunning.
25:34They live in Central and Southern America.
25:36They can imitate.
25:38That's a really rare thing about them.
25:39No other cats can do this.
25:40They can imitate the claws.
25:41Paul Daniels.
25:42It is.
25:43They can imitate...
25:45All the characters from Coronation State.
25:46They can imitate...
25:46They can imitate...
25:47...Forsythe.
25:48Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:49No, they...
25:50They imitate the claws of wild monkeys.
25:53What do you mean Kyle laughing?
25:55Or a pied tamarind is their famous one there.
25:58Oh, look at that.
25:59What is that head...
26:03...smurged in fur?
26:04Yeah.
26:04That's a really cute body.
26:06Yeah.
26:07Attached to the most hideous head of it.
26:09Is that another selfie?
26:11Yeah.
26:11Or what is that?
26:12Yeah.
26:13That's a selfie stick that it's holding.
26:16It's a pied tamarind and I don't think it usually look quite as formed.
26:20Well, odd as that.
26:21So it's a small little tree, like a tree monkey?
26:23Yeah, exactly.
26:24Yeah.
26:25Cats get stuck in trees, as they say.
26:27But probably because they can't get down again or they lose, you know, confidence.
26:31They're such a fuss about it, don't they?
26:32Yeah.
26:34Get down, you twat!
26:35You did it yourself!
26:37They throw things at them.
26:39Yeah.
26:39They fall through the branches, scrabbling away.
26:42Hilarious.
26:43You know, I've been loving the...
26:44When they actually get the ground, they'll style it out.
26:46Yeah.
26:46That's how they meant to get down.
26:48That's how I wanted to get down, actually.
26:51In our beloved capital city alone, the fire brigade has a lot of trouble.
26:56In 2012, they were rescuing a treed animal every 14 hours.
27:00Half of them cats.
27:01Wasted puppet funds.
27:02Pretty much, isn't it?
27:03They should do it with a big stick and just jab them.
27:06A lasso.
27:07Well, they've had...
27:08Half of them were cats, but they've also had a chimpanzee trapped in a chimney in Tower Hamlets.
27:12A puppy with its head stuck in an exercise machine in Hillingdon.
27:16Well...
27:17A puppy's going to work out!
27:19A kitten with its head stuck in a bongo drum at a flattered...
27:24Jazzle.
27:25But the...
27:27I would love to see that.
27:28I would love to see that.
27:29A little big-nicked kitten.
27:31A little big-nicked kitten.
27:31A little big-nicked kitten.
27:32A little big-nicked kitten.
27:32A little big-nicked kitten.
27:32A little big-nicked kitten.
27:34You've got to get it out.
27:34It's cruel.
27:35No, not for a bit.
27:36A little bit.
27:37A little bit.
27:38A little bit.
27:40Anyway.
27:41Now, for a question about migration, I'm going to ask you all to take out a map that you should
27:45find beneath your desks.
27:47Oh, yeah.
27:47There you are.
27:48And you've got some drawing to do on the map.
27:51I want you to draw the extraordinary annual migration of the North American bluegrass as accurately
27:59as you can.
28:00Right.
28:01So, North America.
28:02OK.
28:02So, anywhere then.
28:03Not Alaska, then.
28:04Is it Alaska?
28:05The point is that I don't tell you.
28:07Oh.
28:08Until...
28:09I've got a feeling that they want to get to another bit of North America, but they
28:14go the wrong way.
28:17They end up going all the way around the world and landing on the other coast.
28:21OK.
28:21I've done it.
28:22Here you go.
28:22Florida for the sun.
28:23Oh, yeah.
28:24And then to the carnival in Rio.
28:26And then to Sydney.
28:28Well, where it came to turn, is it?
28:29Yes.
28:30So, they go to all the Mardi Gras?
28:31Well, they go to all the Mardi Gras.
28:33They love it.
28:33They're just mad for it.
28:35And then up there, there's like a cheese rolling in Britain, they like that.
28:41And then they're just naked and the ones that are still alive, back home.
28:45It's a fantastic route.
28:47I just think that, sort of, they go, just have a sort of a trip round South America,
28:53just have a look.
28:53You know, might as well make a day of it.
28:55I reckon they go about a mile to the next village.
28:57Yeah.
28:58Well, I think what happens is they sort of start off and they sort of overshoot and they
29:03end up going completely, not hitting any landmass at all.
29:05And they go, hang on, we'll give it one more go.
29:06And they end up in Colchester.
29:08They've got no idea.
29:10For millennia, they've ended up in Colchester.
29:12And yours, show the ladies and gentlemen.
29:27Oh dear.
29:30Well, wouldn't it be funny if you were right?
29:31You're trying not to smile.
29:33You're trying not to.
29:34You're trying not to.
29:34I don't want to look at it.
29:35You don't like it.
29:36I don't like it.
29:37I don't like it.
29:38Do I like this?
29:39Do I like these?
29:39I don't like these.
29:40It's funny.
29:41I don't like it.
29:43I don't like it.
29:44I don't like it.
29:45Stop.
29:46Okay.
29:49Incredibly closest to the truth was Alan.
30:01Not in your drawing, but in a remark you...
30:03My first idea that they leave America, go around the world and land in America again.
30:07No, in a remark you just made to Bill.
30:10What?
30:10I reckon they just...
30:12Go about a mile to the next village.
30:14Yes!
30:16It's even less than that.
30:18It's extraordinary migration.
30:19It's 300 yards.
30:29I never thought of them packing their cases.
30:33But it's even a note for the milkman.
30:35Unplug the telly.
30:36Every spring it goes down to its breeding grounds and then in the autumn it schleps all the way back
30:41up the hill again.
30:43And that's...
30:43That is...
30:44What a lazy ass.
30:46On foot by the way.
30:47Not even flying it.
30:49I mean they're...
30:49They are massive aren't they?
30:50Based on those footprints.
30:54Enormous.
30:55Enormous.
30:55Yes, the name for the insatiable urge to migrate is Zuckunruhr.
31:00There's the German sort of movement of restlessness.
31:04Zuckunruhr?
31:05Anyway, where does a marsh warbler go for singing lessons?
31:10Oh.
31:11A marsh warbler.
31:21Thank you very much.
31:22Thank you very much.
31:24Thank you very much.
31:25Thank you very much.
31:26Thank you very much.
31:26Because, really quick, usually you think a bird learns its musical repertoire from its parents.
31:31And almost all birds do.
31:33But the marsh warbler doesn't because its parents stop singing before it hatches.
31:37Yeah.
31:38That is, yeah, 31 European and 45 African species in their repertoire.
31:43And so they sound like all the birds of Africa and Europe to us.
31:46And they can switch from one to another and...
31:48Yeah, because they're just imitating all the different ones around them.
31:51And here is the sound...
31:51Do they have their own distinctive one?
31:53Because...
31:54Or is it just a composite?
31:55You can never tell it's a marsh warbler by listening.
31:57It's got a sense of...
31:58You can hear one.
32:02You might have a bird expert who can say,
32:04Ah, it is imitating the dot dot dot.
32:06If you got a marsh warbler in and you just played it...
32:10...Taylor Swift or something, would it start...?
32:13Yeah.
32:14Because that's your go-to thing, isn't it?
32:16I've got a marsh warbler.
32:17I want to see what this can do.
32:18Let's get some Taylor Swift on it.
32:21Swift...
32:21I've got it doing a bird in itself.
32:24Oh, yes.
32:25Taylor Swallow.
32:28No, you're getting into a dangerous track, actually, don't you?
32:35Oh, dear, oh, dear.
32:36Oh, that's excellent.
32:38OK.
32:39Now...
32:39Taylor Swallow.
32:42Yeah, I'm going to play you a...
32:44I'm going to play you a bird song now.
32:46I didn't think about that the other night.
32:47Oh, no, no, no, no.
32:51No need.
32:52I'm going to play you a bird song.
32:54No need for that.
32:55What's this?
32:59What?
33:00Why?
33:01Why me?
33:02Help me.
33:02Help me.
33:03He's shaving me again.
33:06I've got it over there.
33:07You can't park here, so...
33:09That's quite close, can't park.
33:11Illegal item in the bagging area.
33:13More pork.
33:14More pork.
33:15More pork.
33:16There it is, on the left.
33:18It's also a Tasmanian owl.
33:19But it's called a more pork.
33:21I thought you had just translated what that meant.
33:24Yeah.
33:24I thought you said more pork.
33:27Correct.
33:28He's asking for more pork.
33:29He's asking for more pork.
33:30He's asking for more pork.
33:31And we've heard the marshmallow blur.
33:34The monotonous lark is so called because it's monotonous.
33:37A monotonous lark.
33:38Come on, we're going on a monotonous lark.
33:41We're laughing at her.
33:42We're going on a narrowboat holiday in North...
33:46Wait, that is a monotonous lark.
33:49I went on one of those.
33:51I'd...
33:51Oh, there'll be fun with it there.
33:53Let's go on a narrowboat holiday.
33:55And everyone was taking turns, doing the engine.
33:57Cut two.
33:58A couple of hours later.
33:59Everyone downstairs drinking wine.
34:00Me, upstairs.
34:02Bip.
34:02Bip.
34:02Bip.
34:02Bip.
34:03Bip.
34:03Bip.
34:03Bip.
34:04Bip.
34:08Oh, God.
34:09Oh, God.
34:11Do you want to get back to wine, Bill?
34:12No, no, I'm fine, I'll be fine.
34:15Worst weekend of my life.
34:18Just want you to know nothing involving Norfolk
34:20is ever the Nautilus.
34:22But, er, the marabou stork... Oh, yeah?
34:25...is often given the label...
34:28...the ugliest bird in the animal world.
34:30Aw, that's not fair.
34:31Okay, name an uglier one.
34:32Er, alright. The...
34:35No!
34:38Avian.
34:39Edwina Curry.
34:40Oh!
34:42Avian, er, no, one of the reasons
34:45it's considered so ugly is...
34:47Edwina Curry, really?
34:49I wouldn't have gone straight there.
34:52Yeah, it was a good chance, wouldn't it?
34:54It was safe, it was safer.
34:56Yeah, you...
34:57Don't make me say it.
34:59Edwina Curry.
35:01And I didn't make you say that.
35:03No, no, no.
35:04The reason the marabou stork is considered so ugly, perhaps,
35:07is not just its appearance, because it's...
35:09it's behaviour.
35:10It's... it's... it's... it's peevish.
35:11Well, it squirts its excrement onto its legs,
35:14such that they are black,
35:16but they become white, because they get dried on, caked on.
35:19That's laziness, isn't it?
35:21Yeah, if Montgomery Burns from The Simpsons was a bird.
35:24That would be... you're right.
35:26That would be it.
35:26That would be it, yeah.
35:27It docks on its own leg.
35:29Poo on my legs, excellent.
35:33They eat just about any creature, living or dead,
35:35along with faeces, scraps, carrion, human rubbish,
35:38and killing shoes and pieces of metal.
35:40So they're pretty dodgy creatures.
35:43Marsh warblers just make it up as they go along.
35:45I know for a question about...
35:47I'm sorry.
35:49What happened...
35:50What happened while I was...
35:52I had my back turned to you when I was living on a blackboard.
35:56I was...
35:56Well, I was...
35:57No, sir.
35:58Sir, David showed me a picture of a penis, sir.
36:01I...
36:03Show me that, sir.
36:04Sir, sir.
36:05No, he's not a penis.
36:06Look at Bailey's drawing of a penis, sir.
36:09He's drawing his penis and he draws one like that.
36:11He drew a penis on the world!
36:13He drew a penis on the world!
36:16Ask God, that's illegal, isn't it?
36:19Oh, Lord.
36:23But now it's time to stumble blindly into the morass of general ignorance,
36:26so fingers on buzzers.
36:27All right.
36:28Where does a mosquito go to concentrate?
36:32Yes, sir?
36:33Er, blood bank.
36:37Er...
36:37Very good.
36:38Library.
36:45Well, of course, we're...
36:47We're concentrating on different things, and we mean a concentrate.
36:49Where's the greatest concentration?
36:51Oh, I see.
36:52Oh, it's not.
36:53What?
36:54A marsh.
36:55Near rivers and things.
36:56Yeah, well.
36:57Swamps.
36:58But where?
36:59Africa.
37:01Not Africa.
37:02Not Africa.
37:03Not Africa.
37:06Scotland.
37:07Mediterranean.
37:08Loads of midges in Scotland.
37:09Midges, yeah.
37:10Midges, yeah.
37:10But these are mosquitoes, specifically mosquitoes.
37:12Oh.
37:13That quantity.
37:14You don't get that in Africa, you don't get that in the...
37:15Oh, no.
37:15Where's that?
37:16Oh, Panama.
37:17You don't get that in Southeast Asia.
37:19You get that only in the Arctic.
37:20Oh.
37:21Oh.
37:22Oh.
37:22In Alaska and in Manitoba.
37:24There's virtually nothing alive and no blood anywhere.
37:27I've never seen a...
37:28I've been to Alaska a lot and never seen a mosquito.
37:30Well, you have to be there at the...
37:31Right time.
37:31...or wrong time, really, yeah.
37:33There's the beauty that is Alaska, and the standing pools of water
37:37are perfect for mosquito breeding.
37:39Yes, the densest concentrations of mosquitoes in the world
37:42are in the Arctic.
37:44Including all the animals, on average, how many legs does an animal have?
37:49Oh.
37:49What's the average number of legs that animals have?
37:52Oh, you've asked...
37:52All living things.
37:53Because you've got a balance of...
37:54Three.
37:55...a millipede with them.
37:57Oh, no.
37:59My guess is that most numbers will be in the system.
38:12I mean, there are billions of things like ants, aren't there?
38:16I mean, billions.
38:17There are insects gigantic, and they have six.
38:20Mites.
38:21Huge numbers of mites, and they all have eight.
38:22And then you've got millipedes and centipedes.
38:24But lots of them have none to pursue.
38:25But worms have got none.
38:26Stick with that thought.
38:27So worms have got no legs.
38:28Slugs have none.
38:29One leg.
38:31That's it.
38:31That's the closest we've got.
38:33I'm afraid it's not going to work.
38:36Is it no leg?
38:37Well, it's 0.01 is the average.
38:41Because there's so many worms.
38:42Is this because of fish?
38:44No, it's because of nematodes.
38:47Oh.
38:48Nematodes.
38:48Yeah, they're a sort of worm.
38:49They're 10 to the power of 22, which is a vast number.
38:53What is that?
38:54100 times more than there are mites, and 1,000 times more than there are insects.
38:58There's a parasitic nematode that lives in the human eye.
39:01Oh!
39:02Oh, my God.
39:03And it grew up to seven centimetres long, which is so serious for this.
39:06Wow!
39:08You never see that.
39:09Come on.
39:10How can you tell if you've got a nematode in your eye?
39:13Would you feel it wiggling around?
39:14Would it be wiggling?
39:15Would you see it moving, for example?
39:18You'd hear it talking.
39:18I think if it was like that, a friend would see it.
39:21Yeah.
39:21A friend would say, oh, just a sec.
39:23In the corner of my hanky, you've got an enormous worm in your eye.
39:33Yes.
39:33Hypocrites first cast out the nematode in your eye.
39:36Yes.
39:37Oh.
39:39Judge not that you be not judge.
39:41Yes.
39:41So many animals are completely legless that the overall average is about a hundredth of a leg each.
39:46Finally, a question about macropodes.
39:48How many legs does a kangaroo have?
39:51Oh.
39:51Oh, don't say any numbers.
39:53Oh, no.
39:53Don't say any numbers.
39:54Come on.
39:57You know my favourite bit of Toy Story?
40:00Go on.
40:01It's the dinosaur's got little arms, right?
40:03Yeah.
40:04And he doesn't want to see something.
40:05Something terrible's happening.
40:06And he goes, somebody cover my eyes!
40:10That was so funny.
40:12The camera's a brilliant look.
40:14Oh, God.
40:15Oh, God.
40:16So much.
40:16Oh, God.
40:16Oh, God.
40:18Two.
40:19Two.
40:20Two.
40:22It won't be that.
40:23It won't be nought or four either.
40:25Oh, four.
40:26How many legs?
40:27Four?
40:28How many legs has it got?
40:302.5.
40:33Well, you won't like this answer, but...
40:36Simon Fraser University in Burnaby, Canada, corralled red kangaroos through a chamber which measured
40:41the downward forces in it.
40:43They discovered that kangaroos put their front legs on the ground and move their back legs
40:47forwards, and at the same time they pushed their tail onto the floor and used it to propel
40:52themselves forward.
40:53The team found that the amount of force from the tail was as great as that from the other
40:56four limbs combined.
40:58So it's five.
40:58It's five.
40:58Making it effectively a fifth leg.
41:00So not just a fifth leg, but the most important of the five.
41:03Yeah.
41:03Right.
41:04There's a tail, though, isn't it?
41:05But it's not...
41:06Well, it is a tail, but it's...
41:07Well, there's a kind of limb, isn't it?
41:09It's not a limb.
41:09If you said limbs...
41:10Hey, hey, where's the monkeys?
41:13Yes, sir.
41:13Five.
41:16No, no, you can't have that.
41:17You can't have that.
41:18You can't.
41:19You can't have that.
41:21Absolutely not.
41:23Minus five for rank standing impertinence.
41:27The point is you could cut off, not you should, obviously, a kangaroo's forearms or arms,
41:31whatever you want to call it.
41:32And it could get around perfectly happily, and you could cut off one of its rear legs,
41:35and even it could still hop and get around.
41:37But if you cut off its tail, it couldn't.
41:38You'd be a sadistic bastard.
41:40Oh, yeah.
41:41Which scientist conducted that experiment?
41:45Kangaroos have almost five legs above average, which brings me to, miraculously, the scores.
41:52Oh, no.
41:52Oh, dear.
41:53Oh, my good night.
41:54Well, nobody managed to push through into a positive number, I'm afraid.
41:57Um, but our least successful on minus 28.
42:03I know why, and it's, oh, Sue Perkins.
42:06I know why.
42:13In third place on minus eight is Ramesh.
42:16Oh, yeah.
42:19I can't finish the word about this.
42:21And please don't fall off these dizzy heights.
42:25Alan Davies on minus three.
42:29That's pretty crazy.
42:31And our super soar away winner on minus one is Bill Bailey.
42:45So, it's good night from Ramesh, Sue, Bill, Alan, and me.
42:49And you have been magnificent, and I want you to stay that way.
42:52Many thanks, and good night!
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