I Endured So Much Pain At The Hands Of My Uncle And Aunt

Unfiltered Stories

Welcome back to Unfiltered Stories! Today, our guest Shawana Thrower shares her life story with us. Between the ages of 6 and 11, she endured significant pain at the hands of her uncle and aunt. Despite her parents discovering their actions, her uncle and aunt were still permitted to enter their house.   Now, she believes that her experience is one of the factors that have shaped her identity as she pursues her career as a life coach.   #Childhood #LifeStory #Interview   Follow Shawana here:  FB: https://www.facebook.com/feelingomie/  https://www.facebook.com/yogamae69  Website: http://www.feelingomie.com   Thank you for watching Unfiltered Stories! We offer a platform for our guests to speak openly about their life stories and journeys, shedding light on the challenges they faced and the resilience they've shown.  Our mission is to raise awareness about survivors by delving into their stories, exploring the impact of their experiences, and how they've managed to heal and rebuild their lives.  By sharing these stories, we aim to break the silence surrounding those challenging memories and create a compassionate environment.    🌅 FOLLOW US 🌅  Facebook ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredFB  Tiktok ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredTT  Snapchat ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredSN

Transcript

00:00My name is Shawana May, and between the ages of 6 and 11, I was molested by my aunt and

00:06uncle.

00:07My parents were pastor and first lady, and I have various childhood traumas that affected me.

00:15My mother did not want to have me. My father had to beg my mother to get pregnant because he

00:21wanted

00:22a boy to name after John F. Kennedy. My mom not wanting me from the beginning was very relevant

00:29in my relationship with her as a child. When I was two and a half, my father discovered that I

00:34had

00:35a hole in my heart that had not closed. My father discovered it by hugging me. One day when he

00:41came

00:41home from work, I would greet him and sit on his lap and give him a hug. He was hugging

00:46me, and he

00:47called my mom over and said, her heart doesn't sound normal. It wasn't a regular beating. It was

00:54like a faucet turned on, like a swishing sound. So that was something that really traumatized me

01:03as a child. I was in the hospital for six months of five young life from the age of two

01:09and a half

01:09to three. I still have vivid memories of that time that I remember vividly. And when going through

01:17therapy, therapists are generally pretty shocked that I have those memories and that I can recall

01:24things that happened at such an early age. I remember when my parents actually took me

01:29for the very first time for surgery. They took me to the hospital when they were going to leave me

01:35there.

01:35How afraid I was. I remember kicking and screaming when they handed me to the nurse and scratching the

01:41nurse. I later also found out that my parents tried to get the American Heart Association to help pay for

01:49my surgery. But because they were African American back then, there was no help for them to pay for

01:58the surgery. So they had to mortgage the house that I grew up in, in order to pay for my

02:03surgery. So I feel

02:05as if I'm meant to be here. This trauma has happened to me for a reason. I remember being in

02:14recovery,

02:14being in a tent in a crib where my parents would have to come put their hands inside plastic gloves

02:21to touch me inside the tent. There were other children in the recovery room that I was in for

02:27months. And one of the little boys in the room that I was in who had the same surgery passed

02:33away

02:33during that time. I remember being on the table as a child during surgery and actually them having to

02:41bring me back to life with the things that shocked your heart. I literally have remembered these

02:47things all my life and have shared this with my family. From the age of 6 to 11, I was

02:54molested by

02:55an aunt and uncle who were the deacon and the church secretary at my father's church. I have two older

03:05sisters and two older brothers. I kind of grew up as an only child because they were a lot older

03:11than me.

03:12My two sisters who were the oldest or 14 and 15 years older than me, they had been molested by

03:17the same

03:18uncle and they told and nothing happened. My sisters were only abused by the uncle. And one of my sisters

03:28literally later committed suicide because of the trauma from being molested. She committed suicide

03:35at the age of 47. So back then it was not common for molestation to be something that was exploited

03:45once it was exposed, especially within the church. It wasn't something that was talked about. And so

03:51when my sisters told, literally nothing happened. And so the dynamics from what I am told by my older

04:02sisters is that my mother became very angry with her brother. It was her brother. But my father did not

04:09make him step down from being a deacon in the church and nothing happened. I do remember being molested by

04:17my aunt and my uncle repeatedly. I was fondled, I was touched, molested, and there was no way that I

04:27could

04:27even speak about all this trauma maybe seven, ten years ago because it was so overwhelming. I've gone through

04:37and sought so much therapy throughout my lifetime that I've been able to clearly speak and share with other

04:44people on how trauma affects not just the individual but the family. It affected how I raised my children.

04:53So that's what caused me to seek therapy was because my depression, my anxiety, I was diagnosed later with

05:02with bipolar, complex PTSD. These are things that, you know, I did not, I was not aware had a name

05:12for the way that I reacted to life. And so when I was diagnosed, it really allowed me the opportunity

05:20to understand that there was something deeper that I needed to learn about myself and how I functioned

05:28within my inner being so that I could express myself the way that I knew I wanted to express myself

05:35and not

05:35the way that my trauma caused me to express myself. My uncle ended up passing away at a very early

05:42age

05:43from multiple sclerosis. I know for a fact that he molested his other family members because there

05:49there was a routine where he would call one of us into the room and when he was done with

05:56one person he

05:57would tell us to go tell the other child to come to the room. No one noticed because we didn't

06:02talk about it.

06:03My relationship with my siblings is and still is today pretty distant. We love each other. We know

06:13that we're family. I would, you know, give my all to them, but we don't communicate. And that's just

06:19pretty much how it has always been with me. And a part of that is the age difference. I'm so

06:26much younger

06:27than the other siblings. I'm the only one that's not married. They're all religious. So when you're not

06:32married, you just kind of don't fit in. And so I've always kind of been the black sheep. Even as

06:39a

06:39child, I was pretty spoiled by my parents. So personally, I feel there's maybe some jealousy

06:46there as well. When my sister passed away, she was 47 years old. She lived in Utah. She passed away

06:55and

06:55didn't have any family there. She had two children who were underage. When she passed away, she was on

07:01life support for about four days. And my mom and my siblings all went to Utah to the hospital to

07:12see my

07:12sister. They were only giving her a few days to live. And I was a single mom with five kids.

07:18They decided

07:19that I wasn't going to go with them. So they went and they stayed for a day and a half

07:26and they all came

07:27back. And then they decided they were going to pay for me to fly to Utah to the hospital to

07:35pull the plug

07:35on my sister. As a kid, I'm very creative. I cried a lot. I had a, what do you call

07:44it, a make-believe

07:45friend named Cece. I would hide in the closet, talk to Cece a lot. Also, even at a young age

07:54with my

07:55peers in my neighborhood, we would play doctor and do things that children are exploring sexually,

08:04even as a child. There were some children in the neighborhood who wouldn't participate in those

08:10behaviors and later come to find out that those were the children who had never been touched.

08:15by their uncle. Yeah, my imaginary friend Fece. Hiding in the closet all day and listening and

08:23hearing my family members, you know, talk about me, say certain things about me that they wouldn't say

08:30in my face. And then me not being able to address them or if I did, doing it, crying and

08:37they just

08:38dismiss me, you know, she's crazy. You know, that kind of thing. Just, yeah, very, very isolated emotionally.

08:44Never experienced the kind of love and protection that I think a sister would get from brothers

08:51either. Neither of my brothers were protective of me. I remember one of my brothers, my dad,

08:59punched him. Never seen my dad punch. He was such a gentle spirit. Never gave us a

09:06weapon or anything. My mother was the one that dished out punishment. But my father literally

09:12punched my brother one time for calling me a whore. My brothers never protected me. So my aunt with me,

09:19when we would be, when I would be called into the room, and I say we because I had cousins

09:24in the house

09:25who would be called in one after another. So when it was my turn to be called into the room,

09:31my aunt would be there and she would pretty much restrain me and watch and make, you know, these

09:38sounds, sexual sounds while my uncle was performing these acts of lewd acts on my body. Maybe me as a

09:47six-year-old child having an orgasm. Okay, this is just so disgusting. So that would be the aunt's role.

09:55I consider myself very close to my cousins. I spent a lot of time, especially at this particular house. I

10:00had other

10:01cousins that lived nearby that I didn't spend as much time at. I have a set of cousins on my

10:07father's side.

10:08So the molestation took place on cousins from my mother's side. I did consider myself close to my cousins

10:15growing up. But closer to the cousins on my father's side, they were way more protective of me. My dad

10:22passed

10:23away when I was like 29. So that was before I started working through my trauma. When he was passing

10:30away, I managed to ask my father why he never taught me that fornication was a sin, because in the

10:36Bible

10:37it's a sin. And he said, I thought you knew better. You know, I mean, so the only rationality that

10:46I could

10:47come to when hearing that from him was the fact that he knew that possibly my virginity had been taken

10:55before I ever had an opportunity to have sex outside of marriage or whatever. So that is the only

11:07rational explanation that I came up with from myself to understand his reasoning from his perspective.

11:17My best friend lived across the street from my aunt and uncle, and I experienced seeing him being

11:25molested in his house by his uncle who lived there with him. So when I would visit my aunt and

11:34uncle,

11:34I would go across the street to play with him. And there would be times when his uncle would call

11:42him

11:42into the bedroom when we were playing for no apparent reason. And I'd be out, you know, playing in the

11:49den

11:50or the living room or the kitchen or wherever you were for, you know, 10-15 minutes. Come to find

11:56out,

11:57at one point, the uncle had me coming to the room as well. He was molesting my friend who was

12:03a young man at

12:04the time. And come to find out later on, my friend actually died from AIDS. That was quite devastating.

12:14Also, the same friend who's my best friend set me up to be raped. So I was attempted gang raped.

12:22My friend

12:23had five of his guy friends come to this house after the parents left, and they invited me in the

12:31house,

12:31and they kept me in the house in a bedroom for the whole time. I literally think it was about

12:39eight

12:39hours. And they attempted to rape me, and I fought them off for that whole time. And they did not

12:48succeed in raping me. But what I do remember is when the parents came home and pulled into the garage

12:55of

12:55the house, they freaked out. I escaped and ran out through the front door before the parents could

13:01get into the house. These are things I never told, never told that these things happen because I was

13:09already preconditioned to not tell. I really feel like, and I don't know if it's the way that I was

13:15raised in church, but I really feel like when you violate a child, it does something to them spiritually

13:20as well, not just emotionally and physically. And so some of the things that have happened to me,

13:27it's almost as if this wicked energy is just like trying to magnetize itself to me because of

13:37the trauma, the violations that I've experienced. And I'm so grateful that I have, you know, dodged a

13:46lot of those things. There was a point where there was a young man who was talking to a friend

13:52of mine,

13:52and he showed some interest in me. And he and I met in a different city. And come to find

14:00out,

14:01I couldn't find out where he lived. And so I stopped to go into, this is when phone booths were

14:07inside stores. And I went into a liquor store to get on the phone to call this person to let

14:14them know

14:14that I'm in your neighborhood, but I can't find your house. And as I was leaving to go get back

14:20into my car, I was approached by, which I did not know at the time, a gentleman who was a

14:26pimp. And

14:27this was a very busy city. I'm from a small town, and I lived in the rural area. So it

14:34was very country,

14:35no sidewalks, we had horses, so on and so forth. So kind of naive in a sense as well. But

14:43also because

14:44of my trauma and being led by sexual, you know, desires and energy, this person started talking

14:52to me, and I let this person get in my car, I was driving, right, but I let them get

14:59in my car to

15:00take them somewhere to, I don't even remember what, but what I do remember is ended up being in the

15:07back

15:07seat of my car with this person. And he was going to burn me in my genital areas with a

15:14cigarette.

15:15And don't ask me how I got out of that situation, but I ended up crying and pleading with him

15:22to please

15:23like, don't do this to me. And I ended up tricking him to get out of my car to come

15:30around so he could

15:31drive. And before he could get in on the passenger side, I locked the door and I drove off. I

15:37also

15:38remember I have a best friend that I've been friends with forever. She and I are still friends

15:42to this day. We've been friends since like the summer of the fourth grade. We used to go party

15:47together with teenagers and she said, I never could understand why you were so promiscuous. These were

15:55just energy and disgusting behaviors that this trauma embedded in me as a young adult. I was a cheerleader

16:05from junior high and high school. And in the summer of the eighth grade going to the ninth grade,

16:12we had cheer camp that summer and I was driving. I was very spoiled. I was driving before I had

16:20my license.

16:20I was driving to cheer practice and all of a sudden this really handsome white guy pulls up to me

16:29at

16:29a stoplight and he starts flirting with me. He's asking me to pull over. I decided to pull over and

16:36the guy pulls next to me. And so his passenger seat is next to my driver's seat and he's persuading

16:44me to

16:45get out of my car and come get in his car. So I get out and a couple of people

16:51come out of the bar and

16:52see me and I, and I'm standing at the window of his passenger seat and my, my, like I said,

16:58my door is

16:59right next to him. And I'm standing there talking to him and he's asking me to come to an event

17:04in the

17:04hills later with him. He's going to a barbecue. I couldn't go because I was late for cheerleading

17:10practice, but I asked him for his phone number. He gave me his phone number. He also proceeded to pull

17:16his penis out and fondle himself. I guess he thought that was going to tempt me to get him more

17:22of a

17:22cheerleading practice. Fortunately was more important to me. Years later, I'm married. I go to the mailbox

17:29mailbox and I pull out envelope from the mailbox and it's time life magazine mail. And it is talking

17:39about documentaries that are the magazine is doing on serial killers. And I turn it over to open it.

17:48And there's a set of eyes on the envelope, the shape of dog. And when I saw those eyes, my

17:53heart dropped

17:54to my stomach. And I later found out that that person was dead, but I felt a lot of guilt

18:01from that

18:02because I, I even shared this therapy. Like why did these other people not get away? And I got away.

18:12I had another girlfriend, um, we're, uh, partied all the time. Um, I'm sure I drove my mother crazy.

18:19We partied all the time where we lived. There was, uh, an, uh, an academy called, uh, there was a,

18:26an academy Marine base. There was an academy there. She and I would go to the club, to the bar

18:32way under

18:33age, um, going to bars with fake ID and, uh, ended up on a ship having sex with guys.

18:44And one of the guys on the ship happened to know my brother. So my brother comes to me a

18:53couple of

18:53months later and says, you know, basically telling me that this person saw me on the ship. And, uh,

19:01that was just really weird. But what was more weird was the fact that the way that my brother came

19:08to

19:09me, it was more like a gossip thing instead of, uh, how can I help you kind of thing? Like

19:15you might

19:16want to be careful kind of thing. Like just so confusing for me. Like, does anybody have any

19:22moral compass to like really help me guide through this young adult trying eras? My mother was very

19:30creative. Uh, my mother was also very abusive. And so my relationship with her was very odd. I admired her.

19:42I wanted to learn from her. I learned to sew. I'm an excellent seamstress. Um, she was just very

19:48creative when she was doing things for her business to present to people in her downline. So my, the inner

19:56child in me was so, and it still is so connected to my mother's creativity and her nurturing that that

20:06is what I drew from in my healing process. When I was a teenager, I had my first child out

20:17of wedlock.

20:17That was, you know, a no, no being a preacher's daughter. And so my parents wanted me to give my

20:25child up for adoption and I refused to do so. They, they picked a couple in the church. They,

20:32you know, kept trying to persuade me to give him up. This couple was, you know, an upstanding couple,

20:39but I, I would not do it. I just have this sense of being fortified within my spirit because of

20:48the

20:48trauma and not having anybody there except for Kiki. Yoga. Oh my God. Yoga. So that's where this ties in

20:58with my mother as well. After my first divorce, I sought therapy, had a magnificent therapist. He and

21:06I are still friends to this day. Um, he helped counsel my children. He ended up moving away. I ended

21:15up

21:15getting remarried and going through a lot more trauma, uh, in my second relationship.

21:22My neighbors came to me and this relationship and asked me if I thought I might be bipolar,

21:29which kind of was kind of strange because her sister was bipolar. And she said,

21:34you have some attributes that are kind of similar. You might want to go, you know, get checked out.

21:39You know, I would, I know, um, there was still a lot of stuff that I had not dealt with

21:45and didn't

21:46realize it. And so I did end up going to get therapy and over the years, this began, this,

21:54this was a journey. This was really the beginning of the journey that I attribute to the fact that I'm

22:00able to speak so openly and freely and have a smile on my face and share with other people. Eventually,

22:07after many, many therapists, many, many years, I'm going to say maybe about 15 years, maybe finally

22:17experiencing yoga. And I took a yoga class as a prerequisite for my sociology degree and

22:26it changed my life. One of the other things that I experienced because of my trauma is I went into,

22:34after my second divorce, I went into the adult entertainment business. And that was something

22:41that I would not have chosen to do as a preacher's daughter. That was not how I was. My mother

22:46was a

22:47virgin. My dad was the only person she was ever married to. It just was not part of how I

22:53was brought

22:54up. And so this was a choice that I made. And I discovered from therapy that I made this particular

23:01choice because of my trauma. I had to talk myself into doing the work that I did, but I had

23:10to support

23:11my children. I had a mortgage and I had five kids. I became a millionaire on paper as a single

23:18mom with

23:18five kids. I homeschooled my kids. But that particular experience went against my conscience so much.

23:29And I share this with people who are Christians when I talk to them one-on-one because of the

23:36moral

23:37aspects of how prostitution or adult industry is looked at. And it was such a humbling experience for

23:46me. I'm an intuitive life coach. I've taken the education that I received from my yoga, getting my

23:56yoga practitioner, social emotional learning facilitator certification. Actually, my Facebook

24:04family paid for me to go through that training during COVID. I was doing videos for my audience on

24:12Facebook. I have quite a few followers on Facebook. And so during COVID, I was doing yoga and one of

24:22my

24:22followers suggested that I get certified as a practitioner because I had always been telling

24:28the story about how yoga saved my life. And I couldn't afford it. I couldn't afford the tuition.

24:36And I did a campaign on my Facebook page. And they donated the money for me to get certified. So

24:45I use that to

24:46help in the community now. I've always kind of been involved in the community. But now my focus is

24:54really on helping people navigate through their own personal trauma.

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