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00:22Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:25I'm Roy Wood Jr.
00:25In the news this week, RFK Jr. has more to say about what you're eating.
00:37Texas man loses big on Jeopardy.
00:40By the way, what kind of freak even knows Stalin's birthday?
00:45I don't know it and I don't care to know it.
00:47Trump continues evading Epstein questions.
00:58And Amber seems to know he's a comedian, podcaster, and author who you can catch on this season
01:03of The Pit.
01:04I'm going to get him to check out this rash I got on my neck during the commercial break.
01:07It's Moshe Kasher.
01:13And joining Michael, she's a comedian, writer, and actress who hosts the podcast Parenting
01:18is a Joke.
01:19She's also Canadian.
01:21So that means she can get me a deal on some backbaking.
01:25It's Ophira Eisenberg.
01:27I got you.
01:28I got you.
01:29Now for the biggest stories of the week.
01:32Let's play the feud.
01:33Everybody watch the clip.
01:34Tell me, what is the story?
01:37That's the Italian flag.
01:39That's wet, man.
01:40Oh, straight up Hormuz.
01:42Oh, that's expensive.
01:43That's expensive.
01:44Yeah.
01:45What's the story?
01:45We're living in hell?
01:47Yeah.
01:48The story is the war in Iran.
01:50The administration is selling it, but is anybody buying it is the bigger question.
01:54Now, I think we can all agree that the best option is to not have a war.
01:58But as the great Slim Charles said on the wire, once you in it, you in it.
02:03Mm-hmm.
02:04So question to the American government, how's that timeline thing going?
02:09President Trump also telling Time Magazine this week that, quote, I have no time limits
02:14on anything.
02:15President Trump told CBS News, quote, I think the war is very complete, pretty much.
02:19We won.
02:20We won the best.
02:20In the first hour, it was over.
02:22When it's over.
02:23And I don't think it's going to be long.
02:24When are you going to know when it's over?
02:26When I feel it.
02:28Okay.
02:28I feel it in my bones.
02:29It seems as though we've moved away from weeks and just onto vibes.
02:32It is.
02:33War is vibes.
02:34Everybody knows that famous quote.
02:36Is that also from the wire?
02:37No, that's not from the wire.
02:39So now, the administration says that there's only one person that's in charge of calling
02:43the shots on this war.
02:44Who is that person?
02:45Netanyahu.
02:47The ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.
02:52If he's dead.
02:53If he's dead.
02:54The person that's making the decisions is actually the exact person you wish it wasn't.
02:59The president has set a very specific mission to accomplish.
03:02And so it's not for me to posit whether it's the beginning, the middle, or the end.
03:06I love wet man.
03:07That man just is so drenched at all times.
03:12Is he doing drugs and it's just making him a juicy boy?
03:16Every day.
03:18I'm a wet man.
03:20I'll tell you what.
03:20When I watch him speak, I turn into a juicy boy as well.
03:25Are you saying that our secretary of war does like 40 burpees before every press conference
03:30and it just comes out, just, I'm ready.
03:32And then he shadow boxes and does a lot of like, you are a defense secretary.
03:38You are.
03:41How are Republicans as a whole feeling about the war, gang?
03:45Nobody wants this war.
03:47Well, except.
03:48Netanyahu.
03:49Yeah, that's right.
03:50Nobody's into it.
03:51Nobody.
03:51The Republicans are gone.
03:52The Democrats were never there.
03:54Who is this for?
03:55According to White House press secretary Caroline Levitt, quote,
03:58Republicans are unanimously supportive of President Trump's bold decision to launch combat operations.
04:05Ah, yes.
04:06The only thing Republicans are unanimous about is that they hate taxes and they hate good haircuts.
04:14Is it true that the Republicans are unanimous in supporting this war?
04:18Is what Caroline Levitt's saying?
04:19Is that the right thing?
04:20Well, she's always told the truth.
04:22That's right.
04:22Yeah, she's.
04:23I haven't seen a lot of Republicans coming out like full throated.
04:26I should rephrase that.
04:27I haven't seen a lot of Republicans.
04:29One Republican that has been coming out in full support is South Carolina Senator Lindsey
04:38Graham.
04:39What do you mean you ain't got no more mint and juleps?
04:42Lindsey Graham has been salivating for war with Iran for years, and now that it's happening,
04:47oh boy, he's happy, and he's got no time for people who disagree with him.
04:51So we have a commander in chief in President Trump who I think is Ronald Reagan plus, plus,
04:56plus, plus.
04:56If President Trump had not done this, they could have had a nuclear capability within
05:01months, weeks, not months.
05:03To all those who don't believe that, you're stupid.
05:06You're a fool.
05:07He's just like the president who had Alzheimer's, plus, plus, plus.
05:14What is President Trump now calling the military action in Iran?
05:19It's a rondelet.
05:21Is it a jaunt with missiles?
05:25That's a pretty solid base.
05:27I think I do know.
05:28Is it an excursion?
05:30Wait.
05:30Oh.
05:32It's just a little excursion, baby.
05:35Just a few missiles, baby.
05:36Why are you tripping?
05:37And the president makes it perfectly clear that he has his priorities in order.
05:41We did a little excursion.
05:43We had to take this little couple of weeks, few weeks of excursion, but it's been incredible.
05:49Our military is unbelievable, the job they're doing.
05:52So we had to take an excursion, but it's doing well.
05:56The market's holding up well.
05:57You just said it is a little excursion, and you said it is a war.
06:01So which one is it?
06:03Well, it's both.
06:04Did you see how many times he circled back to say excursion?
06:08He's really trying to get it to take.
06:10Loves that word.
06:10Well, when you're going through late stage dementia, certain things get stuck in your
06:15brain on a loop.
06:16I'm sorry.
06:16I'm sorry.
06:17I didn't mean to offend anyone here.
06:19Our audience all has late stage dementia.
06:24The Merriam-Webster definition of excursion.
06:27A usually brief pleasure trip.
06:31Oh, my God.
06:32Oh, my God.
06:34Where's the pleasure part of this excursion?
06:36You didn't see Lindsey Graham in that talking head.
06:39He seemed like he's having extreme pleasure right now.
06:42But it's also like, whatever, improv, right?
06:44Yes and.
06:45He just yes ands them in this grand circle.
06:48It's like, well, thank you.
06:49It is both.
06:51You are brilliant.
06:52Oh, yeah, excursion and a war.
06:53That's it.
06:55How is the war actually going?
06:57No matter how much we bomb them, Iran has control of a very, very important piece of
07:04geography within the region.
07:05What are they in control of over?
07:07The Hard Rock Cafe Tehran.
07:11What piece of geography is Iran in control of?
07:16The Strait of Hormuz.
07:17The dire Straits of Hormuz.
07:19It is the Strait of Hormuz.
07:21Seeing that, trying to just put the tip in.
07:25Roy, Roy, we have to look at it.
07:28Put the picture back up.
07:29It look like it's throwing it back.
07:31Yeah, you want to see that?
07:32The Strait is one of the most important energy choke points.
07:36One fifth of all crude oil flows through the...
07:39That's why Lindsey Graham likes it.
07:40It's a choke point.
07:41Now I get it.
07:44Here's the spokesman for Iran's military command.
07:47We will never allow even a single liter of oil to pass through the Strait of Hormuz for
07:52the benefit of the United States, the Zionists, or their partners.
07:55I did not think he sounded like that.
07:57That's crazy.
07:59How is it, after all this time, there's still just one path, the most important path of
08:06resources in the world, and no one's like, you know, you can just go that way.
08:09Like, there's just one path.
08:11There is another road.
08:12The gay of Hormuz.
08:14But it's much...
08:17You like that.
08:18It's much more complicated.
08:20What else did Iran reportedly do to the Strait of Hormuz that made headlines?
08:25Oh, they're mining the shit out of it right now.
08:26On Tuesday, it was reported that Iran was laying mines in the Strait.
08:31Trump was quick to address this news, posting on Truth Social, quote,
08:37If Iran has put out any mines in the Strait of Hormuz, we want them removed immediately.
08:42If for any reason, mines were placed and they were not removed forthwith,
08:47the military consequences to Iran will be at a level never seen before.
08:52Oh, shit.
08:53New Trump truth just dropped.
08:56General, General.
08:58Ebrahim, pick up the mines.
09:00We got to do it forthwith.
09:05Between Iranian mines and American strikes, the Strait has become extremely dangerous
09:10and it's now described as Death Valley.
09:12Knowing all of this, the president says the Strait of Hormuz is open for business.
09:18He spoke to reporters at the White House on Wednesday,
09:20but before we get to what he said,
09:22please check out this photo from the impromptu press briefing.
09:26Whoa.
09:27Yeah, there's a honey-baked president right there.
09:32The makeup is shrieking from his eye.
09:34You see them?
09:35He sweats so much, all of a sudden he's like,
09:37it's me, Jeffrey Epstein.
09:40Here's Trump's advice for ships in the Strait of Hormuz.
09:44Are you talking to CEOs of various oil companies
09:47encouraging them to use the Strait of Hormuz right now?
09:51Yeah, I think they should.
09:51I think they should.
09:53I think they should use the Strait of Hormuz.
09:55What could happen?
09:55Go ahead.
09:57Get on it.
09:57Why not?
09:58It's going like this.
09:59Iran repeatedly attacking the flow of Middle East oil,
10:02at least six ships targeted in the last 24 hours.
10:05Overnight, two oil tankers hit off southern Iraq.
10:08Video circulating online showing one of them ablaze.
10:11President Trump still sounding optimistic,
10:13claiming the vital Strait of Hormuz is in, quote,
10:16great shape.
10:17Yes.
10:18That shape is a mushroom cloud.
10:23Now, obviously, the violence and uncertainty
10:26is impacting gas prices,
10:28which have risen 65 cents a gallon nationwide.
10:31Panel, how high do you think gas prices are going to go
10:35before it's all over?
10:36Seven dollars.
10:37I live in California.
10:38It is seven dollars now.
10:40Oh, no, that's right.
10:41Yeah, that's why I drive a zero-guilt vehicle, a Tesla.
10:45But, um...
10:48No, I'm kidding.
10:49I drive an oil tanker.
10:52They groan like a paternity test episode.
10:55Like you...
10:56The bad dad that came out.
10:59Right now, oil costs about $100 a barrel,
11:02but Iran says we need to get ready for oil
11:05to cost $200 a barrel.
11:09Here's Energy Secretary Chris Wright with a response.
11:12Do you agree that people need to be prepared for that?
11:17We're going through short-term energy disruption
11:20for just huge long-term gain.
11:22You're seeing Iran's behavior.
11:24Could that hit...
11:25Could short-term mean $200 a barrel?
11:29Um, I...
11:31I would say unlikely.
11:33I...
11:33I...
11:36That means yes, it's going up to $200 a barrel.
11:38I love it when people pretend there's a delay.
11:41You know?
11:42I mean, there was a delay.
11:44It was in his brain.
11:46Anytime anybody in this administration starts stuttering,
11:49you know you're on to some sort of essential truth.
11:51Yeah, well, it's going to be $200 a barrel.
11:54It is, and that's when we're going to stop the war,
11:56when it gets too expensive for them to continue
11:58to perpetuate this lie that this is somehow for our safety.
12:02Nobody's buying that.
12:03How do you stop it?
12:05Like, once you've started, how do you stop it?
12:08Okay, I'm going to say something controversial here.
12:10This is, uh, the best part about Donald Trump being the president.
12:16He can just be like,
12:17Daddy's done, baby!
12:18Like, he can just pull out anytime he wants.
12:21Oh, yeah.
12:22But I do think that his essential instability is the off-ramp.
12:27His madness is the off-ramp that he needs.
12:30Another leader would double and triple down.
12:33I think he's going to just go,
12:34we're done, mission accomplished, everything's happened.
12:37But, I mean, do you think Iran stops when Trump stops?
12:40Do you think Israel stops when Trump stops?
12:42Do you think Bahrain stops?
12:44And do you think Lebanon stops?
12:45And do you think the Houthis in Yemen stop?
12:47And Russians stop?
12:48Oh, you brought in the Houthis?
12:50I had to.
12:50I love saying Houthi.
12:54Listen, I haven't, um, game-theoried out
12:56this entire thing that I just said.
12:58Neither has Trump.
13:00Fair enough.
13:01But I do, I think everybody wants a way out.
13:03And in war, right, you're looking for an off-ramp,
13:05and I think there is no off-ramp
13:07because there was never an on-ramp.
13:08This is all the most incoherent,
13:10all war is incoherent,
13:11and this is the most incoherent one that I've ever seen.
13:14And as we know, day one, they killed Khomeini, right?
13:17And as we know as comedians,
13:19you don't start with your closer,
13:20or you're gonna bomb.
13:23With oil prices, uh, $100 and climbing,
13:27uh, what's the administration going to do
13:29to alleviate this pain at the pump?
13:32They're gonna release sanctions on Russia,
13:34and they're gonna-they're gonna empty
13:35the, uh, strategic petroleum reserves,
13:37which are already half-empty.
13:38Yeah, they're half-empty.
13:39It's the same person that was supposed to do that
13:42that never fills the Brita in the fridge.
13:45I feel like you're bringing a battle from your home.
13:48I have a problem with that.
13:49But they were supposed to be filled.
13:51Look, are they half-empty, or are they half-full?
13:54I love it.
13:54That's a good point.
13:55I love it.
13:55Uh, the administration has made it easier for Russia
13:58to sell their oil, Michael,
14:01issuing a 30-day waiver
14:02that lets countries buy the Russian oil
14:06that is already at sea.
14:07Why is it particularly weird
14:09that we're helping Russia
14:11make a profit off of this war?
14:13Aren't they sharing strategic military intel with Iran?
14:17Points.
14:20Yes.
14:21The Washington Post reported that Russia
14:23is providing intelligence to Iran
14:25to help them target U.S. forces, uh, in the region.
14:30Our administration has a lot of things,
14:32but are they mad at Putin?
14:33Not really.
14:34Do we think that the Russians
14:36have shared, uh, intelligence
14:38about the location of U.S. military assets?
14:41And if they have,
14:42why would we be giving, uh, waivers
14:44on Russian oil sanctions?
14:48Well, I'm-I'm not an intel officer,
14:50um, so I can't tell you.
14:52I can tell you that yesterday
14:54on the call with the president,
14:56uh, the Russians said
14:57that they have not been sharing.
14:58That's-that's what they said.
15:00So, you know, uh, we can-we can take them at their word.
15:03Putin said it.
15:05I believe it.
15:05That settles it.
15:07This-this whole thing is a mess.
15:09Yeah.
15:09But at least we're over there in the region
15:11for a good reason.
15:13Question to the panel.
15:14What's the reason?
15:15You remember when he went to Congress
15:17and said,
15:17this is why we have to have this war with Iran?
15:19Yeah, and he asked for permission.
15:21Yes, yes, yes.
15:21And he was-he received that permission, right?
15:23Oh, yeah.
15:24They voted and they gave it-
15:25He wouldn't have launched this war
15:25if he didn't have congressional approval, obviously.
15:27Yeah, there was, like, a vote and-
15:29Yeah, there-
15:29Yeah, okay.
15:30And then the entire world community
15:32came together and said,
15:33we also support this.
15:34We'll go-
15:35Okay, all right.
15:35Okay, so this war started because of a dare?
15:40Caroline Levitt said it a lot better.
15:42The president said yesterday for the first time
15:44that he had to strike Iran
15:45because he believes that Iran
15:47was going to strike U.S. targets within seven days.
15:50Where is he getting that?
15:51This was a feeling the president had based on facts.
15:54Oh.
16:06Vibes, baby.
16:07That's horrible.
16:09The feelings bring the facts,
16:11the facts bring the feelings,
16:13the feelings, the facts.
16:14War.
16:15The president went to war
16:16with a little help from his friends.
16:18The situation was very quickly approaching.
16:21The point of no return,
16:22and the United States found it intolerable,
16:26in my opinion,
16:27based on what Steve and Jared and Pete
16:31and others were telling me,
16:32Marco was so involved,
16:34that I thought that they were going to attack us.
16:36See, he talked to his people,
16:38Steve and Tommy and Jim and them.
16:41Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike.
16:45I'm going to bomb Iran.
16:46Who cares who you like?
16:49That's a joke for four black people and Moshe.
16:52Yes.
16:55Jared Kushner and Steve Whitcoff
16:57were the guys in charge of the Iran negotiations
16:59in Geneva last month.
17:00They did a great job, didn't they?
17:01How about a hand for Jared and Steve, everybody?
17:04Keeping us out of war.
17:05Good job, guys.
17:06To be fair, Michael,
17:07they're real estate guys, okay?
17:10They did the best they could.
17:11They really did.
17:13It was reported on Monday
17:14that even though nuclear experts
17:17questioned the extent to which
17:19they understood the technical details
17:21of enrichment programs,
17:24Whitcoff and Kushner
17:25still did not bring any technical experts
17:28from the U.S.
17:29to sit in on their talks with Iran.
17:31They-this is what I'm saying.
17:33They used to pretend they're-they used to do theater.
17:35They'd bring the nuclear expert
17:36knowing we're going to war with them
17:38no matter what happens.
17:39They'd bring on the scientists.
17:40What do you think?
17:40Oh, he says that they were doing it.
17:42We've got a reason.
17:42The theater's done.
17:43You remember when George W. Bush
17:45trotted Colin Powell out to the U.N.
17:47with all his lies and the pictures
17:49and the missiles and the things
17:50and then all of us were like,
17:52oh, Colin Powell, he wouldn't lie to us.
17:57That was theater.
17:58We're kind of post-theater.
17:59I miss theater.
18:01Me too.
18:02And the fact that they gave Colin Powell
18:04a Tony Award for that,
18:05I thought was just great.
18:07It was a good performance, to be honest.
18:10I guess it was Rob.
18:24Welcome back.
18:25It's time for the Offend-O-Meter.
18:27Teams have to tell us who's the offender,
18:29what they did, and who they offended.
18:31Put an offender on the screen, please.
18:34Teams, who is this offender staring into your soul?
18:39Lex Luthor.
18:41He's offended because you shut your blinds
18:44and he was looking in there.
18:47That's Judge Boesburg, I believe.
18:50Yes, it is.
18:51That is U.S. District Court Judge James Boesburg.
18:56Yeah.
18:57He does look like a Boesburg, doesn't he?
19:00Boesburg offended U.S. attorney
19:01and unofficial brand ambassador for box wine,
19:04Judge Jeanine Perrault.
19:06She looks fine.
19:10How did Judge offend Jeanine?
19:13They were trying to prosecute Jerome Powell,
19:16who's the head of the Fed,
19:17and they were trying to indict him.
19:19I know this one.
19:20They're accusing him of fleecing the remodel
19:24of the Federal Reserve buildings
19:26and padding their profits or pimping their rides, as it were.
19:30Judge Boesburg offended Jeanine Perrault
19:32by blocking her subpoenas against Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell.
19:37Technically, the whole subpoena had a lot to do with building renovations,
19:41but if you ask Ms. Perrault to explain...
19:44I'll deal with the devil.
19:47I'll take a case from the devil.
19:49If you can give me information
19:53that will lead me to possibly find a crime.
19:57You just know she'd be so fun to get shit-faced with.
20:02It would be a good night out.
20:03It would be so fun.
20:04Here's Powell at a congressional hearing
20:06on the renovations last summer.
20:07We took down the old marble.
20:08We're putting it back up.
20:10We'll have to use new marble,
20:11where some of the old marble broke,
20:13but there's no new...
20:14There are no special elevators.
20:16There's just...
20:16There are old elevators that have been there.
20:18Um, there are no new water features.
20:21Water features? There's no water features?
20:23Oh, no, Ophira. I'm sorry.
20:26Since 2022, the Fed has been renovating
20:29two historic buildings in D.C.
20:31The buildings are almost 100 years old,
20:32so that means there's a lot of work to do to the buildings,
20:36like making things ADA-compliant
20:39and removing asbestos and lead.
20:42But the White House says the whole thing is too expensive
20:45and extravagant in a boondoggle
20:47with Trump's deputy chief of staff,
20:49James Blair even calling the project
20:51the Taj Mahal on the National Mall.
20:55Yeah, I mean, it's not like they're making a ballroom.
20:59Are the renovations too extravagant?
21:01It's ADA compliance and asbestos and lead.
21:04Those are, like, three things Trump don't like.
21:06He's like, there is no such thing as disability,
21:08asbestos makes you stronger,
21:10and lead is a good beverage.
21:11Like, they're...
21:13Of course they're upset about it.
21:14They're the deregulation kings.
21:16Well, as of last year, the project is running
21:19about $700 million over budget,
21:22but according to Jerome Powell,
21:24that's just what fixing an old building like that costs.
21:28Uh, Jeanine Pirro's subpoenas say that Jerome lied
21:31in his testimony, but Judge Bozberg did not agree with Jeanine.
21:36What's the real reason people think Ms. Pirro subpoenaed Mr. Powell?
21:41Trump keeps wanting him to cut the interest rates,
21:43and Powell keeps saying,
21:45eh, eh, maybe not right now,
21:47and then that's why he went after him.
21:48And so then Pirro is then sent out like a legal hit person.
21:53Yep. Okay.
21:54Here's Jerome when he was first subpoenaed back in January.
21:57The threat of criminal charges is a consequence
21:59of the Federal Reserve setting interest rates
22:02based on our best assessment of what will serve the public,
22:05rather than following the preferences of the president.
22:08None of this is really about the renovations.
22:11In his ruling, the judge wrote, quote,
22:13there is abundant evidence that the subpoena's dominant,
22:16if not sole purpose, is to harass and pressure Powell
22:19either to yield to the president or to resign
22:22and make way for a Fed chair who will.
22:24He also added,
22:25that the government has offered no evidence whatsoever
22:28that Powell committed any crime
22:30other than displeasing the president.
22:34Oh.
22:34Don't displease the king.
22:37What do we think Judge Pirro had to say
22:39about the judge's ruling?
22:40She probably said,
22:41She had a guess, you know.
22:43I didn't even want her.
22:45I just have her.
22:46I just have her.
22:48I just have her.
22:50I just have her.
22:51I just have her.
22:52I just have her.
22:53I just have her.
22:54I just have her.
22:55I just have her.
22:57I just have her.
22:58I just have her.
22:59I just have her.
23:00I just have her.
23:02Boy.
23:04Watch this.
23:06He has neutered the grand jury's ability
23:10to investigate crime.
23:12As a result, Jerome Powell today is now bathed in immunity.
23:19Bathed in immunity.
23:21Yeah.
23:21Bathed in immunity.
23:22Oh, wow.
23:23Wild bathed in Botox herself.
23:25Yes.
23:27No matter what happens with Powell,
23:28Janine Pirro is going to be the one who really gets the last word.
23:31I'll tell you what's historic.
23:33What's historic is that I prosecute everything other than 10% of the cases,
23:37where the United States Attorney before me didn't prosecute 67% of the cases.
23:43That's what's historic.
23:45I'm willing to take a not guilty.
23:47I'm willing to take a no true bill because I'll take all the crimes and put them in.
23:55She definitely does have arrested by airport security at a bar vibe.
24:00You want to go out with her, you know you'll never go back to that bar again.
24:05But you will have a story for the rest of your life.
24:08I feel like she has that moment of like, it's 1am, you want to go to the yacht?
24:13You're like, there's a yacht!
24:15You know, like that.
24:16Is Janine up to something more?
24:21She's performing, and her performing like that has done her a lot of good.
24:25It got her where she is today.
24:27The louder she is, personally, the more fun I have.
24:30I feel like I know where Roy's going with this, and I like it.
24:33Last week, Kristi Noem out on her ear.
24:36People were speculating about who's next.
24:38The name Pam Bondi keeps coming up.
24:40What's Pam Bondi, the Attorney General of the United States?
24:44You don't think Judge Janine is looking at Pam Bondi and going,
24:47I can do that better than you can do that.
24:49So, Judge Janine is being very emphatic about this issue,
24:54and the reason why, CNN's Casey Hunt has a theory.
24:57There's been some conversation around whether Janine Pirro
25:00is potentially a future replacement for Pam Bondi
25:03if the administration is unhappy with her.
25:08What do you plan on focusing on with the current Attorney General?
25:13Well, first, I mean, that...
25:15I've heard that same rumor.
25:18That would be a complete disaster.
25:20I mean, I'm not sure you'd get worse than Pam Bondi,
25:22but that might be it right there.
25:27Is Judge Janine worse than Pam Bondi?
25:29Her comedy? No.
25:31Yeah.
25:31I have never watched Pam Bondi speak for any real length,
25:37you know, just other than clips.
25:39Let that hoe get in there.
25:40I will watch every fucking minute.
25:42That's what I'm saying.
25:44That was Offend-O-Meter.
25:57Welcome back.
26:00It is time for Like Curious Teens.
26:03I'll give you three biographical details about a public figure,
26:06but only one is true.
26:07You have to guess which is the truth
26:08and which are sword-grubby lies.
26:11Time for three facts about Trump's pick
26:13for Homeland Security Secretary
26:15and third smartest Mark Wayne in his class,
26:18Mark Wayne Bulletin.
26:21How facts about Mark Wayne are,
26:23he builds birdhouses in his free time.
26:26He hosts a podcast where he breaks down Reacher episodes.
26:29Ooh.
26:30He once owned a plumbing company.
26:33Birdhouses.
26:34I don't think he builds a birdhouse.
26:36I don't think he likes birds.
26:38So do you think he owned a plumbing company?
26:40I think he owned a plumbing company.
26:41Yes, I do.
26:41All right, we're gonna go with plumbing company.
26:43He hosted Jack Reacher podcast.
26:45That just fills me with joy.
26:47I love the idea.
26:48It's like, what's up?
26:48This is Mark Wayne.
26:49I'm the head of Homeland Security.
26:51Today's episode is brought to you by MeUndies.
26:56I'm sold.
26:57We're gonna go with two.
26:58Mark Wayne Mullen once owned a plumbing company.
27:02Yeah.
27:04After high school,
27:06Mark Wayne took over his family's plumbing business
27:08and with his level of animal magnetism,
27:11obviously, he had to be the face of it.
27:14Hi, I'm Mark Wayne Mullen with Mullen Plumbing,
27:16the Red Ritter.
27:17Do you have a stool that just doesn't flush right?
27:19A lot of times, that's due to the water level in the tank
27:21that needs to be adjusted.
27:23It needs to be about a half inch below the Douglas valve
27:26or to where it's clearly marked as water line.
27:28Oh.
27:29Politics aside, I trust somebody who talks that fast to fix shit in my house.
27:36I've never heard a plumber describe a stubborn stool in their promotional material.
27:41You have a big fat stool that you just can't get to flush.
27:43It breaks in half, but it kind of goes onto the side and then you got to pee it off
27:47and then it just won't go.
27:48Mark Wayne, TMI.
27:50Hi.
27:52Time for three facts about journalists and the lady who designs the Incredibles costumes,
27:58Christiane Amanpour.
28:01Aw.
28:03Our facts about this fine respected journalist are,
28:06she was former housemates with JFK Jr.
28:09She rollerblades to work.
28:11She has seen Fleetwood Mac in concert over 150 times.
28:16Which one is the truth?
28:18I'm going to say it's number three, seen Fleetwood Mac.
28:20A hundred percent.
28:21Fleetwood Mac, yeah.
28:22Why would JFK Jr. have housemates?
28:23That doesn't make any sense.
28:24Right?
28:25He's like, I'm renting out a two-bedroom.
28:30It's rough for the Kennedys these days.
28:33Christiane, if you pay a little more, you could have the bigger bedroom.
28:37It's got to be three.
28:39All right, we're going to Fleetwood Mac also.
28:40Well, now they said three, so now I want to go to two.
28:44Quit copying on this.
28:44No, if you're saying two, we're going three.
28:45No.
28:46If you're saying three, we're going two.
28:47Correct.
28:47No.
28:48We're going one.
28:51Christiane Amanpour was former housemates with JFK Jr.
28:56Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
29:00Amanpour is the chief international news anchor for CNN,
29:04so she can probably afford her own house now.
29:08But back in the day in college, she needed a roommate.
29:12Here she explains.
29:13I spent two of my years at university sharing a house with him.
29:17Probably to this day, nobody really believes that John Kennedy cleaned his own toilets.
29:21He did.
29:21I'm here to tell you.
29:22Wow.
29:23Are you not like JFK Jr. and can't clean your own stools?
29:27Well, come on down.
29:28Mark Wayne Mullen's Red Roto Rooters.
29:33Does anyone know why JFK Jr. is in the news this week?
29:37Did he come back?
29:39There's a show about him and his grand love.
29:42Bonus points.
29:43You know the love?
29:44Yeah, the blonde lady.
29:45Mm-hmm.
29:46The blonde lady.
29:47Nancy Grace herself.
29:50People are talking about JFK Jr. because of the Ryan Murphy show, Love Story,
29:54which details the relationship between Kennedy's son and his wife, Carolyn Bissett.
29:59And one person definitely does not like this show.
30:03Oh, is it the, um, the weird guy that says we can't take Tylenol?
30:07It's actress Daryl Hannah.
30:10What?
30:10I knew it!
30:11Yes.
30:12Earlier this month, Hannah wrote a piece in the New York Times about how furious she
30:16was about how she was portrayed in the show.
30:20And apparently it was bad enough that Hannah felt the need to say this.
30:24I have never used cocaine in my life or hosted cocaine-fueled parties.
30:29I have never pressured anyone into marriage.
30:32I have never desecrated any family heirloom or intruded upon anyone's private memorial.
30:38Wow.
30:38You gonna talk shit about America's Mermaid?
30:42Mm-hmm.
30:42Do you prefer Mermaid-era Daryl Hannah?
30:44I'm more of a Kill Bill-era.
30:46Ooh.
30:47Amazing.
30:49Wait a minute.
30:50That's Uma Thurman.
30:52No, she said she plucked Raya.
30:55Oh.
30:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:00This has been Lycurious.
31:01More after the break.
31:13Welcome back.
31:14It is time for Meet in the Middle, where we find common ground between two different
31:19people who would never be caught hanging out.
31:22All right, on one side we have Suzy Wiles, Jason Kelsey, Sean Penn, and Ken Paxton.
31:28And on the other side, there's Benny Blanco, Paul McCartney, Timothee Chalamet, and Paul
31:33Thomas Anderson.
31:35Wow.
31:35The game is afoot.
31:37Which two of these people have notoriously dirty feet?
31:41Ooh.
31:42Well, we all saw...
31:43Oh, I guess we didn't.
31:45Y'all.
31:46Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco were doing a podcast.
31:50Benny Blanco was like, y'all always clowning me because you say my feet are gross.
31:54She goes, no they're not.
31:55Grabs his nasty foot.
31:57No.
31:58And puts both of her angelic lips on them and kisses it like this.
32:03Buddy, you could have barfed your face off.
32:06Wow.
32:07But they're in love and I think that's beautiful.
32:09Okay, so Benny Blanco, who's on the other side?
32:11Don't you think Sean Penn has the nastiest feet?
32:14Decades of a crude Malibu asphalt on his foot.
32:18Yes.
32:20By the way, either side of this is a dream blunt rotation.
32:25I want to say Chalamet.
32:27Chalamet has dirty feet?
32:29Right?
32:29Doesn't he?
32:30His mom was the ballet dancer, right?
32:31That's why he hates ballet.
32:32That's why he hates ballet.
32:34Oh.
32:35Chalamet and Penn.
32:36Blanco and Penn.
32:37Benny...
32:38Penny.
32:38It is Benny Blanco and Jason Kelsey.
32:42Oh.
32:43Footballer.
32:44In 2024, Jason Kelsey made waves when he tweeted, quote,
32:47What kind of weirdo washes their feet?
32:50Now, uh, Benny Blanco didn't announce his foot washing habits,
32:54but if you look really closely on his show, Friends Keep Secrets,
32:57you can tell what's going on with his foot.
32:59Let's just pretend that we're hanging out like we normally do.
33:02You never even hang out anymore.
33:02I was going to say, that's the goal.
33:03Are we going to have to pretend?
33:06His feet are like Trump's hands.
33:10Either way, it's going to bring down his WikiFeet score.
33:13That's for sure.
33:14If you don't know what WikiFeet is,
33:16WikiFeet is a website where people can rate the feet of various celebrities,
33:20question to the panel, who on this panel has the highest WikiFeet score?
33:27It's so obvious.
33:29His spine is very low.
33:30I know it's not mine.
33:31I look like a hobbit.
33:33Like...
33:33Here are the scores.
33:34Ophira Eisenberg, your rating on WikiFeet is 3.79 stars.
33:39Wow.
33:39That seems really good.
33:43Amber Ruffin, 3.82 stars.
33:48Well, that's from people who ain't seen these shits.
33:51It is busted down there.
33:52Michael Ian Black, 4.84 stars.
34:01But the WikiFeet winner on this panel, Moshe Kasher, 4.17 stars.
34:08Congratulations.
34:11I'm telling you, it's hobbit-like.
34:24I feel like Lindsey Graham at a Thunder Down Under concert.
34:31All right, next up we've got Jam Mams.
34:35Which two of these people dated Lilith Fair performers?
34:40Ooh.
34:41I do know that Ken Paxson was with Ani DeFranco for a while.
34:47It seems like it's gotta be Sean Penn and Paul McCartney, right?
34:50Sure.
34:51Okay.
34:51Or Paul Thomas Anderson.
34:52He could easily...
34:53Oh, yeah, there we go.
34:54That's a Lilith Fair guy right there.
34:56Paul Thomas Anderson, Sean Penn.
34:58Sean Penn and Paul Thomas Anderson both dated Lilith Fair performers.
35:04In addition to directing several of her music videos, Paul Thomas Anderson was in a relationship with Fiona Apple.
35:10Oh, yeah.
35:10And Sean Penn had a secret relationship with Jewel in the mid-90s.
35:16Whoa.
35:17When she was living in her car and was looking for a little extra poetry money.
35:22Ms. Apple has said that her relationship with Paul Thomas Anderson was not healthy, but she did credit him with
35:30helping her to quit drugs.
35:31Wow.
35:32In an interview with The New Yorker, Fiona Apple says she was inspired to quit drugs after, quote,
35:37one excruciating night with Paul at Quentin Tarantino's house, explaining, quote,
35:43every addict should just get locked in a private movie theater with QT and PTA on coke, and they'll never
35:50want to do it again.
35:53She's like, I saw you on coke.
35:55I was like, I gotta put this shit down.
35:59Let's do Beak Freaks.
36:00Which two of these people both love birdwatching?
36:04Oh.
36:04Well, these two motherfuckers are birds.
36:07Look at this face.
36:08Susie Wiles?
36:08Look at that face.
36:09Now, you can't see who I'm pointing to, but you knew exactly who I'm pointing to.
36:14All right, we know Chalamet doesn't like any of the fine arts.
36:17No.
36:18McCartney, that sounds right.
36:19McCartney, yes.
36:20We're going Paxton and McCartney.
36:21What do you think?
36:22You know, we'll go the other direction.
36:24Yeah, we say the other two people.
36:25Yep, that's right.
36:26White House Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles and Paul McCartney are both big birdwatchers.
36:31Yep.
36:32Everyone's right, it's the bird people.
36:35It's like looking in a mirror.
36:38Well, I love me, you know, so I like to watch me.
36:41Paul has a lot of references to birds and songs of his and likes to go birdwatching between shows when
36:47he's on tour.
36:47Does anyone want to guess what conservative politician Susie Wiles has gone birding with?
36:52I know Dick Cheney likes to shoot people in the face when he goes birding.
36:56Right.
36:56And Matt Gaetz likes to look at younger birds.
36:59Right.
37:02Point!
37:03Oh!
37:04Shut up!
37:06Ow!
37:08It's former Florida rep Matt Gaetz.
37:12Gaetz said that the two spent time together watching the herons and the wood ducks and the woodpeckers.
37:18Wow.
37:19And that's probably not the only reason Matt Gaetz owns binoculars.
37:22Yes.
37:23The cool part is there's no age of consent in the wild.
37:29We didn't get to Ken Paxton and Timothee Chalamet, but they're both desperate for votes and they're both flirting with
37:34your mom.
37:35More after the break.
37:45Welcome back.
37:46It's time for which is higher.
37:48I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
37:51You tell me which is higher.
37:54Melania arrived on streaming earlier this week panel.
37:57The controversial documentary is now available to watch at home via Amazon Prime.
38:03Which brings us to the question.
38:04Which is higher?
38:06The domestic box office gross for Melania or the amount of cash Ivana Trump received from Donald in their divorce?
38:16Oh.
38:17Oh, wow.
38:18Both such small numbers.
38:22Melania, I want to say grossed a surprisingly high number.
38:26I want to say Ivana.
38:28I just want that.
38:30I'm pretty sure the Melania number is $16 million.
38:34That right.
38:35Because it cost $40 million to make.
38:38And I remember laughing about that.
38:42The domestic box office gross of Melania, $16.4 million.
38:49Wow.
38:49And the amount that Ivana got from Trump and their divorce, $14 million.
38:54Oh.
38:54So the domestic box office gross of Melania is higher.
38:59Wow.
39:00That means Melania, too, is going to get greenlit, baby.
39:05Ivana was able to parlay her marriage to Donald and some other paying gigs.
39:09Five years after they got divorced, the two actually appeared in a commercial together.
39:14Here's the first part.
39:15You really think this is the right thing for us to be doing, Ivana?
39:19What do people think?
39:20Let them talk.
39:22Ivana.
39:23Ivana.
39:23Ivana.
39:24Ivana.
39:24Ivana.
39:24It's wrong, isn't it?
39:26But it feels so right.
39:28Then it's a deal.
39:29Wow.
39:30Question to the panel.
39:32What is that commercial about?
39:34Adult diapers.
39:37It feels so right.
39:41Golf course cemeteries.
39:45Divorce lawyers.
39:47Here's the answer.
39:48Then it's a deal?
39:49Yes.
39:49We eat our pizza the wrong way.
39:51Crest first.
39:52Introducing stuffed crust pizza from pizza.
39:54You'll want to eat it the wrong way.
39:56Crest first.
39:57I have the last slice.
39:58Actually, you're only entitled to half.
40:01See?
40:03Divorce lawyers.
40:05Around the time of the errand of this commercial, uh, industry experts say it transformed stuffed
40:10crust pizza into a multi-billion dollar business, adding 300 million in sales in its first year,
40:17according to the official Pizza Hut blog, Hut Life.
40:23Hut Life.
40:25I didn't choose Hut Life. Hut Life chose me.
40:31That's what Jabba has tattooed right here.
40:33That was Witches Hour.
40:42All right.
40:43It's time for my favorite game.
40:45It's called Who's That Baby Is?
40:47I'll show you a famous person's baby picture, and you tell me, boy, who's the baby?
40:53Let's see the baby.
40:53Oh.
40:54That baby looks familiar.
40:55They were born in Inglewood, California.
40:58Hmm.
40:58They once taught a class at Stanford on personal branding.
41:01Oh.
41:01And they were the first black woman to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue,
41:05dated Chris Webber in the early 2000s, and they were the main subject of the recent docu-series,
41:10Reality Check, Inside America's Next Top Model.
41:13I had it no clues, but I felt in a weird position to have to lean to a black woman
41:18and say,
41:19oh, I know exactly who that is.
41:21But it's Tyra Banks.
41:22Yeah.
41:22Jarrell Hanna.
41:23Yeah.
41:25That baby is Tyra Banks.
41:29I'm gonna give you all two facts about Tyra Banks.
41:32You tell me which fact is real.
41:35First fact.
41:35On her daytime talk show, did Tyra fist fight the cheetah girls or pretend to have rabies?
41:43The drama for the rabies sounds like a little...
41:46So good, right?
41:46It's great, but...
41:47I mean, like, she put a little Alka-Seltzer in her mouth and then she just...
41:50Oh, yeah.
41:51On her daytime talk show, Tyra Banks pretended to have rabies.
41:57That was Who's That, baby.
41:59I want to thank our guests, Moshe Tasha and Ophira Eisenberg.
42:03And of course, thank you to our team captains, Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
42:08Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching.
42:13Politician frustrated with sneaky little hobbitists.
42:20Senator introduces Bill to limit the temperature of soup.
42:25I'm Roy Wood Jr., and I'll see you next week for another episode of How I Got Loose For You.
42:29And check out my website, RoyWoodJr.com, for my rescheduled Straight Up Her Muzz biddies.
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