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00:00He's gone, he died.
00:03Dad gave me money in case we need to go down the IVF route.
00:06We'll do it naturally ourselves, promise me.
00:09Well, if we're doing it naturally, the acupuncturist says I need a different schedule.
00:12Mom, why are you being so weird?
00:14I think we just thought that there'd be more tears.
00:17I think I'm broken. Why am I crying?
00:20They sent my boyfriend that questionnaire.
00:23He's gonna make me sound like such a monster.
00:25Why does it matter what a bunch of addicts think about you?
00:28Well, you might have another panic attack. Can you see the state of Rachel's room?
00:31How did I not see this?
00:33Helen, take me to Harcourt Street right now or I'm gonna scream.
00:36She lied to me.
00:37She didn't want to upset you.
00:38Do you think I'd never find out?
00:40Aidan is dead. He died. He's lying in a morgue because he was stupid enough to go and try and
00:44collect you from some pub or other.
00:46I really need to talk to Anna.
00:51She blocked me.
00:54How could I have been with you last week and now you're gone?
01:12How could I have been with you last week?
01:13I know.
01:16This is the last week.
01:16This is the last week.
01:16Which means that I'm not going to happen to you last week until every week is over a half.
01:18I'm so sorry.
01:19Didn't you have a team of friends.
01:21You're gonna have to come up and have anything.
01:22You're going down.
01:23You're going out.
01:30Anna? What's going on? Are you okay in there?
01:37Anna?
01:42What's going on?
01:45Mum?
01:48Mum?
01:52Anna, love, you're up.
01:53Have we got any right?
01:55I don't know, I don't like it.
01:56Yeah Mum, that's what she asked.
01:58Here Anna, there.
02:05Sorry Anna, you were in there so long I thought you were killing yourself.
02:12What?
02:14You were in there for ages.
02:21Hey, I, I wouldn't let him in.
02:29No, I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't let him in.
02:36His eyes are close together and he wears a toothy grin.
02:40Don't let him in.
02:44No, I wouldn't if I were you.
02:48Let him in.
02:49Well, I...
03:06You'll see here.
03:08One day, I'll call you!
03:10You're in the sea, you're in the sea.
03:12That's right.
03:16You're in the sea.
03:19Oh my god, you're in the sea.
03:36Girls, you know this is just the spot, yeah?
03:39Maybe less alcohol and pizza is really all I need.
03:41No, no, no, no, this stuff is the best.
03:44It's not even out yet.
03:45You know, Anna's doing the PR for it and everything.
03:47The launch is going to be huge.
03:48We've got Chanel Blanche to attend.
03:51I have no idea what that sequence of words means.
03:56Rachel, that is actually pretty amazing.
03:58I know, my hairdressing experience came in handy.
04:01Who knew?
04:01Four hours is hardly experience.
04:03Well, it was exposure therapy, okay?
04:06Did the job.
04:09Girls, this mask is getting a bit tight.
04:11Is that supposed to happen?
04:12No, that's fine.
04:13Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:14I don't like it.
04:15Well, Rachel doesn't like walking around with a spotty boyfriend.
04:17He's a friend.
04:17Easy.
04:18I didn't say that.
04:20Damn.
04:22Anyway, I would love to hang out, but I am often with the love of my life.
04:27It was definitely going to break my heart when he eventually moves back to America.
04:33Not everything ends terribly, Anna.
04:35Thanks, Guru.
04:40Is that nice?
04:42Yeah, it's pretty nice.
04:45I suppose a ride is out of the question.
04:50Come on, let's go.
05:14What are you doing?
05:17I'm cooking.
05:19Yeah, no, I got that.
05:21Now I'm on breakfast with Neil.
05:24We need to get in here, like.
05:25Well, it's fine.
05:25Look, I did everything.
05:27I just, I couldn't sleep.
05:28I couldn't sit still.
05:29My head's just, oh, so full.
05:32Morning.
05:33Hey.
05:34Not even up.
05:36Oh, I haven't slept.
05:38Yeah, I really need something to calm down.
05:40About half of this is freezing.
05:41We can't serve this.
05:42There'll be an uproar.
05:43It's fine.
05:44Just reheat it.
05:44Look, it's perfect.
05:45Look, I baked fresh bread.
05:47Come on.
05:48Come on.
05:50You're putting me on edge.
05:51Come on.
06:07First busy in the waiting room, isn't it?
06:09The under fives clinic is always manic.
06:11I'm six.
06:14Mummy's a bit delayed bringing you in.
06:16Yeah, sorry.
06:17I was getting divorced.
06:18Oh, that's okay.
06:19It's all on the file.
06:21You have a file on me?
06:23No, on Kate.
06:24Her vaccines and developmental appointments.
06:27Just we keep note.
06:28A few things actually need to be filled in.
06:30It's probably from when you move back to Ireland.
06:33So, when did Kate start walking?
06:35Um, well, she stood up at like, maybe when she was a year and then I think her first steps
06:46were 15 months.
06:49Or maybe earlier.
06:50Maybe it was 11 months.
06:51Yeah.
06:51So she stood up at a year but walked at 11 months?
06:55No, sorry.
06:56Um, the other way around.
06:57Stood at 11 months and walked at just over a year.
07:01Right.
07:02Sorry.
07:03I'm terrible at these questions.
07:04I should have brought Maggie.
07:05Is that your partner?
07:06No, sorry.
07:07My sister.
07:08Maggie looks after me while mum's at work or tired or hungover.
07:13Real sense of humour, this one.
07:15You were at the weekend.
07:17No, no, I wasn't, monkey.
07:19I would never drink to excess.
07:21That is Rachel.
07:21She's the only freak in our family.
07:23I, or Helen, granny can also be a bit odd.
07:26And, well, Anna, you know, has just lost her fiancé so she is a bit of a looper right
07:30now but I'm totally fine.
07:35Now, Kate, can you see that chart over here?
07:38Yeah.
07:39Can you read for me the letters from the biggest here to the smallest?
07:43OK.
07:45L, P, E, D, P, E, F, O, D.
07:58It's better if you don't coach her.
07:59Sorry, sorry.
08:00Sorry, I can't read that.
08:02That's OK.
08:02Well done.
08:04Now, I want you to have a listen and to raise your finger when you hear a sound.
08:23Wait, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
08:24Aidan is dead.
08:25And I'm just supposed to sit with it.
08:28Well, maybe you can ask for help.
08:31Does no one listen to me ever?
08:32I am asking for help.
08:34Well, you're just going to have to ask someone else, so.
08:37Who?
08:38Do not say a higher power, please.
08:43Oh, come on, guys.
08:46You don't believe in capital G God, do you?
08:48Mm, I do.
08:49Well, no disrespect, but I'm just really science-focused.
08:54Maybe I'm too smart for rehab.
08:57That's your problem.
08:58Intelligence.
09:06OK, so, a bit of concern.
09:08Have you not noticed anything yourself?
09:10You know, I don't see any fathers out there.
09:13No one is asking them what their child's shoe size is or what they may or may not have noticed.
09:18Kate's short-sighted.
09:19She needs glasses.
09:20I'm going to refer her to the optometrist.
09:23That's all.
09:24Right, sorry.
09:25I don't know what came over me there.
09:27It's OK.
09:28I've seen worse.
09:29And you're right.
09:30We almost never see any dads in here.
09:56Abba!
09:57What?
09:59Come inside.
10:01Why?
10:01Come inside.
10:03One minute.
10:06Oh.
10:13What is it, Mum?
10:15Look, I came to see you.
10:19Hey.
10:21Hey, Anna.
10:26I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry.
10:30No, it's really saying that you can't.
10:32Will you have tea?
10:33Look, please.
10:35Say yes for me.
10:36She won't stop until you say yes.
10:37I would love some tea.
10:38Thanks, Mary.
10:39OK.
10:45Mum, stop being alert.
10:46Just make the tea.
10:47On its way.
10:49On its way.
10:50Sorry.
10:50She's literally obsessed with you.
10:53Rach used to say that she was jealous of her because of me.
10:56Don't ask me why.
10:57No.
11:02So, a bit of cleaning?
11:04I have to earn my keep from Mammy Walsh, you know?
11:08Nah, just anything that stops me having to look at people pitying me.
11:11It's the cow eyes.
11:12Hmm.
11:13Do you want me to put on my sunglasses?
11:16Would you mind?
11:21When's the funeral?
11:22Next week.
11:24In America.
11:26OK.
11:27When do you leave?
11:28I don't.
11:29It claps long.
11:32So what will you do?
11:33No idea.
11:37I'm probably asking all the wrong questions.
11:40Have you heard from Rachel?
11:42Because she left me a message asking me to bring her some Valium.
11:46To rehab?
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:49You're joking.
11:52Luke, I am so sorry that I didn't believe you when you told me that she had a problem.
11:57I think I just didn't want to see it.
11:59And then, now that I can't see it, it was obviously there in front of me the whole time.
12:02Like, the state of her room.
12:06You don't have to apologise.
12:08I get it.
12:12The rehab centre have asked me if I'm happy to attend as an involved, significant other.
12:20No, are you?
12:23I don't know.
12:24I'm not really sure I want to talk to her.
12:27You're lucky you can talk to her.
12:31I'm sorry, Anna.
12:32I'm not thinking.
12:33No, no, no, no.
12:34You're grand.
12:35It's me that's the problem.
12:37I just want to talk to him so badly.
12:40Just to make sense of everything.
12:43And obviously I can't, and I never will be able to ever again.
12:47And I just don't know how I'm supposed to live with that.
12:52Thanks, Mary.
12:56She's doing very well.
12:58A bit of physical work seems to help.
13:02It's a struggle to get her out of bed sometimes, but maybe a little bit of make-up would help.
13:08But she'll get there.
13:09Yeah.
13:10In her own time.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Yeah.
13:23Hey.
13:25Are you okay?
13:26You didn't have any breakfast.
13:28I'm not hungry.
13:29I just can't eat when there's a problem.
13:31Not until it's fixed.
13:33That explains a lot.
13:34Is that crucifix yours or did it come with the room?
13:36Oh, no, it's mine.
13:38You want to learn?
13:43You know, are you going to be disrespectful?
13:45I'll just leave.
13:45No, no, no, no.
13:46Sorry, don't leave.
13:48I'm just not the God type.
13:50What, you think that makes you special, huh?
13:52Like, gives you an edge?
13:54It's not about God.
13:56It's about finding something more powerful than you.
13:59Anything.
14:01How?
14:01How does that help?
14:03Someone else to blame, really.
14:04That's right up your alley.
14:06If there's something else running this show, it gives this lovely feeling of powerlessness.
14:12Oh.
14:12I hate feeling powerless.
14:14No.
14:15No.
14:15You just hate not getting your way.
14:17Is a bitchiness really necessary, Jockey?
14:20I'm not being bitchy.
14:21If I was being bitchy, I would tell you that you really let yourself go since you've come
14:23in here.
14:24I mean, that sweater looks ridiculous on you.
14:27Look, just find someone that makes you happy to say, okay, that's more powerful than me,
14:32and ask it for help.
14:34Oh, and it can't be Chris.
14:36As if.
14:37Or Luke.
14:39No men.
14:40Jesus is a man.
14:49You threw me to the wolves with Rachel, Jack.
14:51You never have my back.
14:53We could have made such impact if you just backed me up.
14:56It's not our job to make the impact.
14:59It's their job now.
15:00To fix her, help her, whatever.
15:04Yeah, but I make one comment, and you caveat it out of existence.
15:07Then I look like I'm stirring shit.
15:09I didn't want to gang up on her.
15:13Gang up.
15:15It's not ganging up.
15:16It's called being a team.
15:18We're not a team.
15:19We're a family.
15:22It's not us against them.
15:26I don't know why you always seem to see it that way.
15:29Yeah, and you never do.
15:30And it's lonely, Jack.
15:33It's hard being the one pointing out all the mistakes.
15:35I don't know if you don't notice.
15:37Don't care.
15:39Just don't say anything.
15:40I don't think it's necessary to point out mistakes to adults.
15:44They know when they mess up.
15:47Do they?
15:48Yeah.
15:49Didn't you?
15:51So what?
15:51We let them mess everything up,
15:53and then figure it out themselves?
15:55I mean, kinda.
16:04Their failings are not our failures.
16:16You've always done your best.
16:23Haven't you?
16:38Oh, Mom, the teacher sent a note in my school bag,
16:41and my shoes are too small.
16:42Okay.
16:45Can I find your shoes on the air, Nelly?
16:48Oh, my baby, baby.
16:52Oh, my baby.
16:53Oh, my baby.
16:53Oh, my baby.
16:53Oh, my baby.
16:54Oh, my baby.
16:54Oh, my baby.
16:54Oh, my baby.
16:54Oh, my baby.
16:59Oh, my baby.
17:02Monkey, this note was sent on Monday.
17:04Why didn't you tell me?
17:05I forgot.
17:06Why didn't you tell me you'd have sore foot?
17:08It's just because we don't wear shoes in the house.
17:12And it says you forget items for activities.
17:14Like what?
17:14Why didn't you tell me?
17:15I don't know, Mom.
17:16I'm six.
17:24Kate, do you need a costume for tomorrow?
17:25Yeah, I want to go with a very hungry caterpillar.
17:29Oh, I don't think I have to do it.
17:32Well, then we will work that out for you in the morning.
17:37Okay.
17:55I don't think I have to do it.
17:56I don't think I have to do it.
17:56I don't think I have to do it.
17:56I don't think I have to do it.
17:57I don't think I have to do it.
17:57I don't think I have to do it.
17:58I don't think I have to do it.
17:58I don't think I have to do it.
17:58I don't think I have to do it.
17:59I don't think I have to do it.
18:00I don't think I have to do it.
18:03I don't think I have to do it.
18:07I don't think I have to do it.
18:28I fucking love you, Rachel Lodge.
18:54What are you doing?
18:56Nothing.
18:57Nothing.
18:59I had an itch.
19:01It's best not to scratch the itch, especially in company.
19:06Sorry.
19:10Why are you awake anyway?
19:12I was thinking about Luke.
19:14Coercive Luke?
19:16He's not really like that.
19:18I'm quoting you.
19:19Well, I may have ever played that side of him.
19:25He's actually a really nice man.
19:28He might be the nicest man I've ever gone out with.
19:31Ever met, even.
19:33That's quite the claim.
19:36He's...
19:39He's sexy, you know?
19:41Kind.
19:45I've never actually thought about it before now, but I've never felt so safe.
19:50Mum never believed in being kind when he was sick.
19:52Do you think the cause has been lingering?
19:56But Luke...
19:59He cared about me.
20:02Loved me.
20:04Is it the forgiving type of guy?
20:07Yeah.
20:12There is this one time.
20:13I don't need the long story.
20:16Just...
20:16Yes or no.
20:18Yeah.
20:19Yeah.
20:21Well...
20:22Maybe you can win him back.
20:23At your ISO this week.
20:26Tell him...
20:27How much you love him and how sorry you are.
20:31Do you think that will work?
20:33I should say so.
20:36I mean, most guys can't resist a tearful apology.
20:41Especially face to face.
20:46I wish I could worry as little as you do.
20:49Please.
20:50I'm obsessively worrisome.
20:53Really?
20:54You'd never be able to tell.
20:56That's because I've spent about six figures on dealing with my emotional incontinence.
21:03I, you know, sometimes I fail.
21:06Sometimes I just can't stop crying.
21:11But I've just told you all that stuff about Luke and my fear that I've ruined it.
21:16You just brush it off with such grace.
21:18Ah, darling.
21:20That's because I really don't give a damn about you or Luke.
21:34Okay.
21:36I'll be five minutes.
21:37Okay.
21:37You warm?
21:38Yeah.
21:38Grant.
21:51Five minutes.
22:04Thanks so much.
22:13Okay.
22:14Let's go.
22:14Let's go.
22:15Let's go.
22:16Oh.
22:19Supergirl.
22:20You said yes.
22:21And look, when we got you a lovely new pair of shoes.
22:26Are you excited?
22:28Yeah.
22:28Yeah.
22:29Are you excited for book day?
22:31Yeah.
22:31Put your arms up.
22:34Now, you are Mr. Bumpf.
22:36Who?
22:36Mr. Bumpf.
22:37It's a Mr. Man book.
22:39You love it.
22:39I don't know that book.
22:40Okay.
22:41Well, let's pretend that you do, okay?
22:43So, it's your favourite.
22:45It's about a man who bumps into everything.
22:47Well, I'm a girl.
22:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:49You are.
22:49Of course.
22:49Of course you are.
22:50Okay.
22:52Who knew?
22:54Off we go.
23:10What's going on?
23:11Where are you off to this early?
23:13It's not that early.
23:17It's 9am.
23:18Is there been a fire?
23:19No.
23:20Aren't you meant to be in college?
23:22What college?
23:25College, Helen, where you go to and study.
23:27Oh, yeah.
23:28That college.
23:29Yeah.
23:30No college today.
23:32Lying.
23:46Where are you off to?
23:51Yeah.
23:52A goodbye would have been nice.
23:59Hello?
24:02Hello?
24:03Hello?
24:04Hello?
24:17Hi.
24:18Do you not have anything sweet?
24:19Chocolate, biscuit, a cake?
24:21No, I need to do a shot.
24:22How do you survive a day without sugar?
24:24Maggie, love yourself, YOLO, you know?
24:26Get out of there, I'll make the tea.
24:29What's this for?
24:31Well, it's just a work thing.
24:36Look at all these packages.
24:39Anything for me?
24:40I was feeling a bit stressed, so I went shopping,
24:43but I'm going to be returning them all.
24:45Be careful.
24:46Shopping believe me again, is it?
24:48Why are you in my house on a Friday morning?
24:50Kate needed glasses, and I know I'll never hear the end of it from James.
24:54As if I don't feel bad enough that she's been squinting for five years
24:57and I didn't even notice.
24:58Six.
24:59You know, not all of us find everything easy like you do.
25:03I don't find everything easy.
25:05I feel like a shit mum.
25:08James makes it worse, and I don't think you realise how hard it is
25:11to stay in contact with your ex just because you have a child.
25:15No, I don't realise that.
25:17How would I realise that?
25:18I'm sorry that we don't all have the perfect happy marriage.
25:22Oh, Claire, you're so dismissive of my problems.
25:26Like, I've just told you that I'm shopping because I'm stressed,
25:28and you haven't asked me what I'm stressed about.
25:30That is the first thing I would have asked you.
25:33I'm sorry.
25:35I'm sorry.
25:37Why are you stressed?
25:39Well, I don't want to tell you now because you're only asking me because I told you to.
25:42Maggie, don't do that.
25:43Just answer the question.
25:47Garve and I are trying to get pregnant.
25:50That's what the chart is for.
25:51Maggie, how long have you been trying?
25:54Like, since our wedding.
25:59That's a while.
25:59Yeah.
26:02Well, have you tried having sex somewhere between Twickenham and Richmond during the Six Nations?
26:08Does that work for me?
26:09No, I haven't tried that.
26:12But I've tried everything else.
26:14Well, Paul is actually really against IVF.
26:17Why?
26:18I don't know.
26:20Well, what's his plan B then?
26:22Are you sure he wants a baby?
26:23Who says he does?
26:25Well, Naomi Campbell had her first child at 49.
26:30It'll happen.
26:33Thanks.
26:48Thanks.
27:00Thanks.
27:18Thanks.
27:44Are you lost?
27:48Here.
27:49Can I help you?
28:07It's okay if I sit.
28:19It's cold.
28:22Yeah, I didn't bring a jacket.
28:25Just had an impulse to leave, so...
28:28I left.
28:29I used to do that a lot.
28:33I'd end up somewhere and have no idea how I got there.
28:39Grease the way you'd like that.
28:46How long?
28:51Four weeks.
28:53Oof.
28:56Trenches.
29:00You?
29:02Two years, three months.
29:07It's...
29:09You keep it.
29:12Really beautiful.
29:17I mean, I come here every day.
29:19I live just over there.
29:21So I'm lucky.
29:23Lucky?
29:25It's just a weird choice of word.
29:29True.
29:32Anyway.
29:36What is my husband enjoying the pleasure of your attendance?
29:40My fiancee, Aidan.
29:42He's American.
29:44He, um...
29:46You know.
29:47He was American.
29:49I prefer his.
29:52His parents.
29:53They brought him back to bury him over there, and I've just been...
29:58Looking for something.
29:59Anything.
30:01Something looking for...
30:03A grave with Aidan on it, and...
30:07This is the closest that I've found.
30:12Well, you know what? You're welcome here any time.
30:15Any time.
30:18I'm Mitch.
30:20Anna.
30:21Nice to meet you.
30:26I actually haven't properly...
30:29Cried yet.
30:31Eh? Is that...
30:32Is that worried you?
30:33Yeah, I'm a crier.
30:36So it must mean something that I'm not.
30:39Must it?
30:41I didn't cry for months when he died.
30:46And then our dog died.
30:49And I can stop crying.
30:54Yeah, maybe.
30:56Maybe it just hasn't hit me fully.
30:59Yeah, maybe.
31:01Yeah, but then sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.
31:03I can't breathe.
31:06Those waves pass.
31:09Promise.
31:12And then, of course, some other bullshit comes along and overwhelms you.
31:15Never fucking ends, really.
31:21I'll leave you to it.
31:46I'll leave you to it.
31:47Whoa.
31:50Cool.
31:56Will I make you feel smug and give you a laugh at the same time?
31:59Yes.
32:00Just be thankful you don't have to deal with this.
32:05Are these people that, like, you've matched with?
32:07No. God, no. They're just people that like me.
32:09Oh, I feel sorry for Marcus.
32:11Feel sorry for me.
32:17Oh, my God. That's Dr. Sheehan. That's Connor.
32:20I knew he was single.
32:22How did you know he was single?
32:23There was a vibe.
32:24What are you doing?
32:25Will I match with him?
32:26No, I don't think you're allowed.
32:27What? He's not treating my wounds yet.
32:29Oh, Clare.
32:31You did?
32:31I'm gonna have sex with the doctor.
32:36I'm gonna have sex with the doctor.
32:37Clare, Mum would be so happy if you married a doctor.
32:40Oh, look at his hands.
32:43They're pretty good hands.
32:45He's handsome.
32:46He's ridey.
32:53Am I never allowed to be alone in this place?
32:58An addict alone is in bad company.
33:00Oh, for fuck's sake, Neil.
33:03Not everything has to be turned into a slogan.
33:06It does in here.
33:12Um...
33:14I'm sorry for what I said about you and why I'm so...
33:17You're angry, you lashed out.
33:18If anyone's gonna understand that, it's me.
33:25I don't hold up on me.
33:29She hates me.
33:32Everybody hates me.
33:34I don't hate you, Rachel.
33:38I don't care if you hate me.
33:58Have you been in bed all day?
34:00Yeah.
34:01Problem?
34:02No.
34:04Just...
34:09Are you okay?
34:11Jesus.
34:12You seem bad if you're asking me that.
34:15Yeah.
34:17Some days I need to be horizontal.
34:19I get it.
34:23Where have you been?
34:24St. Mary's.
34:25To mass?
34:27Not inside, just the graveyard.
34:29Why?
34:31To feel something.
34:32No.
34:33I don't know.
34:33Just to...
34:35Figure it all out.
34:38Figure what out?
34:41Aidan has this ex called Janie.
34:43Had this ex called Janie.
34:45And when I got home from the hospital,
34:47she rang his phone
34:48and she left him a message saying how devastated she was
34:51and that they'd only seen each other
34:53last week.
34:55Jesus.
34:59Why didn't you say anything?
35:01I felt...
35:02really stupid.
35:04Aidan never mentioned that he saw her.
35:08Look.
35:09One phone call doesn't mean anything.
35:10Yeah, but then of course I checked her social media
35:12and loads of photos of them together.
35:15Because they were a couple.
35:17Okay, so that night,
35:18when we were on our way to Rachel,
35:20he told me he needed to tell me something.
35:21What if...
35:22he wanted to tell me that he was having an affair?
35:25No. No way.
35:26Okay, not having an affair,
35:27but what if he had an affair while we were together?
35:31No, look.
35:32He had just asked you to marry him.
35:33He'd hardly be having an affair.
35:34Okay, so not an actual affair,
35:36but what if he...
35:38realised he loved us both.
35:40Equally.
35:41Or something.
35:42Highly unlikely.
35:45Then why didn't he tell me that he saw her?
35:49See, I don't know.
35:51Maybe Rachel was right.
35:52Maybe he was a bit.
35:54Jesus.
35:55You're taking relationship advice from Rachel.
35:57That's mental.
35:57I feel...
35:59mental.
36:02What are you two doing hiding away in here?
36:04We live here.
36:06What are you doing here?
36:07Let me guess.
36:08Dropping Kate off.
36:09I think I'm going to have a very hot date very soon,
36:12and everything in my wardrobe is boring,
36:14so I wanted something fresh.
36:16Who's the hot date?
36:17A guy from the apps.
36:22Don't let me stop your conversation.
36:24What were you talking about, anyway?
36:26Anna's been wandering around the graveyard.
36:29Weird.
36:30Are you okay?
36:31Yeah, I'm great.
36:35Guys, I still can't bring myself to cancel the wedding venue.
36:38Well, don't cancel it.
36:40Leave it empty for a day.
36:41That's a waste of money.
36:43Okay, Garve.
36:43No.
36:44Why don't you have a memorial?
36:46It might give you the closure that you need,
36:48and that's what rituals are for.
36:51Are you serious?
36:53Yeah.
36:55What do you think?
36:57It might be nice.
36:58Yeah, but who would I invite?
37:00Well, the same people as the wedding.
37:04You could make it a celebration of Aidan.
37:06Your Aidan, how you knew him.
37:08Bring back some happy memories.
37:09We'd all help you organise it, wouldn't we?
37:11Mm-hmm.
37:15Yeah.
37:20Too much?
37:21That's far too much.
37:22Too much.
37:23There's plenty of my stuff in there if you want.
37:26You always laugh when I suggest that.
37:28I mean, if I wanted to look like Sylvanian families, maybe, but...
37:43You ready?
37:46Really?
37:48What do you mean, really?
37:49I mean, really going to have sex?
37:51I'm kind of not in the mood.
37:52I'm not in the mood either, but...
37:55Oh, come on, we have to stick to the schedule, and we have been doing so well.
37:59We've got two days left, then we can take a break.
38:02You make it sound like couch to 5K.
38:04It is way easier than couch to 5K.
38:08Look, I know it's not fun, and it's not sexy, but come on.
38:14Let's just get it done.
38:17I shaved my legs for you.
38:19Both of them.
38:22I hope to God I can even get it up.
38:24He'll manage.
38:26Come on.
38:28I know how you love it.
38:30Oh, God.
38:48Do you think Anna blames me for Aidan dying?
38:53I don't know, Rachel.
38:56Sorry.
38:58I knew she'd come for me.
39:00She always does.
39:02Yeah, but you didn't know they'd crash.
39:05Oh, Chris, it's just been eating at me.
39:09It's like all I can think about.
39:12I just can't manage when people are annoyed at me.
39:16Stop worrying about what people think about you, Rachel.
39:19You can't control it, you know?
39:20So what do I do?
39:22Let it pass.
39:25It'll go.
39:27We'll be gone.
39:32Like Aidan.
39:46Sorry about Aidan.
39:53I don't think that's going to wash it with Anna.
40:18Let it pass.
40:19I can't do it.
40:28I don't know if I can do it with my parents.
40:29You can take a seat until I need a pair of friends.
40:31I'm glad you've got those friends.
40:33I don't have your parents to be good at me.
40:35I can't take a seat.
40:35I'm glad you're so glad she's been with me.
40:44Hello.
40:46Oh, Rachel.
40:48What's it tonight?
40:49Do you need to pop out again, or is it more painkillers you're after?
40:54Um, no.
40:55It's just my family letter.
40:58It's to my sister Anna to say sorry about her fiancé.
41:02Um, will you post it for me?
41:05It'll go first thing.
41:07Okay. Thanks.
41:10Rachel?
41:12Well done.
41:40He's quite good looking.
41:41I get it.
41:50Come sit.
42:06As you know, it's Rachel's turn today.
42:10This is Luke, who's Rachel's boyfriend.
42:14Ex-boyfriend.
42:16Ouch.
42:20I just want to say that I'm sorry.
42:23You know how many times I've heard you say sorry, Rachel?
42:26But I mean it this time.
42:29I'm making amends.
42:31I've got your questionnaire here, Luke.
42:34When we asked if Rachel took a lot of drugs,
42:37you wrote, I doubt there's a drug Rachel hasn't taken.
42:41What did you mean by that?
42:45That if there was a drug going, Rachel would take it.
42:48No matter who gave it to her or where it would come from.
42:52Like what?
42:55Speed, ecstasy.
42:58Cocaine.
43:01And heroin.
43:05That was one time.
43:07Most normal people never do heroin, Rachel.
43:11Luke, when did it become a problem?
43:16It was hard to see at first because we only ever met on nights out.
43:21And I'm not an angel.
43:24I know how to have fun.
43:26But it's social.
43:28And at the time, Rachel used to say she was too shy
43:31to meet me sober or without drugs.
43:33And I don't know, at the time I thought it was cute.
43:40Well, I am shy.
43:41It's not a lie.
43:44One morning,
43:46I realised when I kissed her that she smelled like whiskey.
43:50We hadn't been drinking whiskey.
43:54So before she woke, I looked around the apartment
43:56and I found an empty bottle that she'd stolen from my flatmate
44:01and finished.
44:02Did you ever try to talk to Rachel about her drug and alcohol issues?
44:07Yeah.
44:08And any time it was brought up, she would just turn aggressive,
44:13accuse me of being cheap if I didn't buy it for her.
44:17On another occasion, I left to go to work
44:20and I realised I had forgotten my wallet, so I went back in
44:25and found Rachel doing a line of coke in bed.
44:30coke that she had stolen from my flatmate again.
44:35And...
44:37Yeah, I started watching her from that point.
44:40I knew what I was looking for.
44:44On the coke, she...
44:46she was just loud.
44:48You know, and rude.
44:49She would turn into this over-the-top flirt,
44:51just throwing herself at anyone.
44:55It was fucking humiliating.
44:59I believe there was an incident shortly before Rachel arrived here.
45:06She'd taken a load of Valium while I was asleep.
45:12I couldn't wake her.
45:18I thought she died.
45:29I thought you were dead, Rachel.
45:31I thought you were dead, Rachel.
45:50Stop, please.
45:52Rachel!
45:53Please, just leave it, okay?
45:54Okay, listen.
45:55If I'm so awful, why'd she put up with me?
46:00You're not like anyone else I've ever met, Rach.
46:03On a good day, there's not enough time in the world to talk to you.
46:08About anything.
46:09Everything.
46:11Please, just...
46:13Just say you love me, please.
46:17I can't lie to you, Rach.
46:18I don't mind.
46:19Lie to me, please.
46:21I don't mind.
46:21Please.
46:22Just please just say you love me, please.
46:42Bye.
47:17I can see how off-putting it might be following somebody you've only met three times
47:21at the back of the cemetery.
47:23You're not afraid I'm going to kill you.
47:25I don't even know if I'd care.
47:27I was late because a man called on the phone looking for Aidan.
47:30He'd made an appointment to get a quote for solar panels.
47:33You know, the hardest part of the early days was telling people who didn't know, you know,
47:39phone companies, bank managers, even his physiotherapist.
47:42Yeah, but they won't even talk to me because I'm not his next of kin.
47:45I'm sure the letters still come to my house.
47:47I have a brilliant idea for a business, a company that would manage all of that.
47:52So, calls the bank managers, phones the mobile phone companies, rings around, cancels all future appointments.
47:58Yeah, I'd give that company everything I own right now.
48:00Do you know what to call it?
48:02Rest assured.
48:03Rest assured.
48:04That's very bad.
48:04That's good.
48:05That is good.
48:06That is good.
48:07They take care of all that crap.
48:14I left him some flowers.
48:16Hope that's okay.
48:18Okay.
48:21Good.
48:37I mean, my own mother.
48:39Good night.
48:43No.
48:46We want you toرك discussions each other.
48:47All right.
48:47Okay.
48:47I don't know.
48:47I don't know.
48:48We'll see you next time tonight.
48:48We'll see you.
48:48What you want to call it?
48:49We want to cry.
48:57I open up my heart
49:01To anyone who comes
49:06How can I be sober
49:11With all the love I have
49:22Jesus, Jesus
49:24Press Red now to watch the next episode on BBC iPlayer.
49:29If you've been affected by addiction,
49:31details of organisations offering help and support
49:34are available at the BBC Action Line website
49:38or call free at any time to hear recorded information
49:42on 08001 55947.
49:45You know what they've been saying
49:50Of course you do
49:52A man like you
49:55Years from everything
49:57Not too long for me
49:57What it is
49:57Feel
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