Bottom, Guest House Paradiso

jonnysbm296

Watch Bottom, Guest House Paradiso - jonnysbm296 on Dailymotion

Transcript

00:00:28You

00:00:30You

00:00:31bastards

00:01:06Eddie

00:01:10Eddie

00:01:11Another bloody day

00:01:14Time to get up

00:01:15Righty dokey, Skip

00:01:51I

00:01:52I

00:01:53I

00:01:59I

00:02:08I

00:02:09I

00:02:10I

00:02:15I

00:02:16I

00:02:17I

00:02:19I

00:02:20I

00:02:36I

00:02:40I

00:02:42I

00:02:44I

00:02:45I

00:03:12I

00:03:19I

00:03:20I

00:03:22I

00:03:26I

00:03:27I

00:03:37I

00:03:39I

00:03:40I

00:04:06Eddie

00:04:08Eddie

00:04:12I

00:04:13I

00:04:14I

00:04:15I

00:04:17I

00:04:25I

00:04:26I

00:04:27I

00:04:28I

00:04:35I

00:04:36I

00:04:37I

00:04:40I

00:04:41I

00:05:02I

00:05:08I

00:05:10I

00:05:11I

00:05:14I

00:05:15I

00:05:17I

00:05:18I

00:05:19I

00:05:25I

00:05:26I

00:05:27I

00:05:37I

00:05:38I

00:05:49I

00:05:50I

00:05:52I

00:05:53I

00:05:54I

00:05:57I

00:06:04I

00:06:05I

00:06:06I

00:06:14I

00:06:34I

00:06:35I

00:06:38I

00:06:39I

00:06:51I

00:06:53I

00:06:54I

00:06:58I

00:06:59I

00:07:09I

00:07:10I

00:07:13I

00:07:14I

00:07:15I

00:07:24I

00:07:25I

00:07:29I

00:07:38I

00:07:48I

00:07:49I

00:07:51I

00:07:56I

00:07:57I

00:07:58I

00:08:01I

00:08:02I

00:08:07I

00:08:11I

00:08:12I

00:08:13I

00:08:39I

00:08:40I

00:08:41I

00:08:42I

00:08:45I

00:08:46I

00:08:47I

00:08:51I

00:08:52I

00:08:54I

00:08:58I

00:08:59I

00:09:04I

00:09:06I

00:09:08I

00:09:12I

00:09:27I

00:09:34I

00:09:45I

00:09:46I

00:09:47I

00:09:49I

00:09:51I

00:10:02I

00:10:12I

00:10:17I

00:10:18I

00:10:29I

00:10:32I

00:10:34I

00:10:36I

00:10:37I

00:10:41I

00:10:45I

00:10:47I

00:10:48I

00:10:51I

00:11:01I

00:11:02I

00:11:03I

00:11:04I

00:11:13I

00:11:15I

00:11:19I

00:11:21I

00:11:23I

00:11:25I

00:11:27I

00:11:28I

00:11:30I

00:11:33I

00:11:35I

00:11:36I

00:11:38I

00:11:39I

00:11:58I

00:11:59I

00:12:09I

00:12:10I

00:12:11I

00:12:14I

00:12:15I

00:12:19I

00:12:20I

00:12:31I

00:12:32I

00:12:34I

00:12:36I

00:12:37I

00:12:40I

00:12:44I

00:12:45I

00:12:47I

00:12:51I

00:12:56I

00:12:58I

00:12:59I

00:13:00I

00:13:04I

00:13:05I

00:13:11I

00:13:12I

00:13:17I

00:13:24I

00:13:32I

00:13:32Chef's hurt himself

00:13:33How badly?

00:13:36Indescribably badly. He hit his head on a frying pan seventeen times.

00:13:43Would you all have to be chef?

00:13:44Well, I can't cook. Well, no good chef. Right.

00:13:48Now then, how can I...

00:13:51How can I help you?

00:13:52Can I ask where your eggs come from?

00:13:56Hen's vaginas.

00:13:59Ah.

00:14:01Look, we'd like two full English breakfasts, freshly squeezed orange juice, coffee for one, ground, not instant, a pot of

00:14:10tea for one, some lightly toasted wholemeal bread and don't overcook the kidneys. Boiled egg as usual, Mrs. Fox for

00:14:16her?

00:14:18Oh, yes, please.

00:14:20Thought so.

00:14:22Excuse me, I have to deal with important guests first.

00:14:25Oh, for Christ's sake!

00:14:32Phoebe, one boiled egg.

00:14:39Phoebe, hello?

00:14:41Phoebe, hello?

00:14:43Yes, hello?

00:14:44Yes, hello. One boiled egg.

00:14:47Phoebe, hello?

00:14:50Yes, hello.

00:14:52Phoebe, who is it?

00:14:55Phoebe, it's Mr. Thwaite.

00:14:58Phoebe, he's not here.

00:15:01Can I take a message?

00:15:03Look, it's me! Eddie, it's me!

00:15:05Stop embarrassing me and just take the order!

00:15:07Ah!

00:15:15One boiled...

00:15:16Damn!

00:15:17Phoebe!

00:15:18One boiled...

00:15:19Oh, forget the Phoebe!

00:15:20Look!

00:15:21One boiled egg!

00:15:23Phoebe!

00:15:24Hang on, I'll write it down.

00:15:26No, no, no, don't write it down.

00:15:28Just remember it.

00:15:30Okay.

00:15:31How do you spell egg?

00:15:32No, just remember it!

00:15:34Oh, hang on a minute.

00:15:36I've broken me pencil.

00:15:37I'll just find another one.

00:15:38Sorry.

00:15:40Phoebe!

00:15:41Eddie!

00:15:42Phoebe!

00:15:43Eddie!

00:15:44Yep!

00:15:45Look!

00:15:45Here's a pencil.

00:15:53Look!

00:15:54Here's the order.

00:15:55Now, pop it out and cook it.

00:15:56But it'll taste all papery.

00:15:59Look.

00:15:59Just do it.

00:16:00Or I'll pop these, okay?

00:16:02Okay.

00:16:04Ah!

00:16:07Ah!

00:16:08Ah!

00:16:09Don't you say no!

00:16:10Freedom of speech, Eddie.

00:16:11It's what we fought Hitler for.

00:16:12Now, let's just...

00:16:14Get on with it, shall we?

00:16:26It won't be long now.

00:16:30Could you possibly take our order?

00:16:33Oh!

00:16:34Edward and Mrs Simpson.

00:16:37I'd completely forgotten about you two.

00:16:40You must be ravenous.

00:16:43You must be ravenous.

00:16:43Can I take your order?

00:16:46Um...

00:16:46Oh, all right.

00:16:48Why not?

00:16:49It'll kill a bit of time, won't it?

00:16:51If, that is, you've finally managed to make up your minds.

00:16:55Ah!

00:16:56Ah!

00:16:57Ah!

00:16:58Mmm!

00:16:58We'd like two full English breakfasts.

00:17:01And do you have Lapsang Couchon?

00:17:03No.

00:17:03No, no, no, no.

00:17:04It's just that I put on my underpants the wrong way around this morning.

00:17:09Could I just get a pot of tea?

00:17:10Oh, well, of course.

00:17:12What a wise choice.

00:17:16Right.

00:17:17And if I may say so, that is a smashing blouse.

00:17:33Excuse me a moment.

00:17:36Agh!

00:17:50Ah!

00:17:56Oh!

00:17:57Oh, crap!

00:18:17Eddie, you snapped my pixel!

00:18:41No, no! It's not the bridge!

00:19:06How long for the egg? Three minutes, please. Excuse me one moment.

00:19:11Ah!

00:19:26Shut up!

00:19:37Shut up!

00:19:40Shut up!

00:19:41Oh, Biggie!

00:19:42Ah!

00:19:47Ah!

00:19:48Ah!

00:19:54Ah!

00:19:56Ah!

00:19:57Ah!

00:19:59Ah!

00:20:00Ah!

00:20:01Ah!

00:20:02Ah!

00:20:04Ah!

00:20:07Ah!

00:20:15Is there any danger of ever getting any food around here?

00:20:17Ah!

00:20:45Ah!

00:21:04Ah!

00:21:05Ah!

00:21:11Ah!

00:21:12Ah!

00:21:13Ah!

00:21:38Ah!

00:21:42Ah!

00:21:49Ah!

00:21:52Ah!

00:21:56Ah!

00:22:04Ah!

00:22:06Ah!

00:22:09Ah!

00:22:10Ah!

00:22:12Ah!

00:22:14Ah!

00:22:16Ah!

00:22:20Ah!

00:22:21Ah!

00:22:22Ah!

00:22:25Ritchie, are you all right? You've been out for eight hours.

00:22:28Eight hours? Blood and sugar puffs, what have you been doing?

00:22:31I've been trying to rouse you with this hammer.

00:22:33But how could the hotel have possibly carried on functioning like me?

00:22:36Quite easily, really, because all the guests have gone.

00:22:38Gone? Did any of them pay?

00:22:40Er, no.

00:22:43What about the safe? Did they find the safe?

00:22:45I'm afraid so.

00:22:46Oh, damn! So they got all their stuff back then?

00:22:54What are the advanced bookings like?

00:22:56Er, not too good.

00:22:59Oh, God!

00:23:02Oh, come on, Ritchie, it's not that bad.

00:23:05Yes, it is.

00:23:07I just trapped the tip of my penis in the tilled drawer.

00:23:12Oh, Mr. Dread?

00:23:19It's... wait!

00:23:21I thought you said all the guests have gone.

00:23:23I thought she was dead.

00:23:27Mmm.

00:23:31Oh, twert!

00:23:33My eggs still haven't arrived.

00:23:36Well, that's because you went through the menopause

00:23:3740 years ago, you shriveled-up old bint.

00:23:39I beg your pardon?

00:23:41I said, I'm afraid breakfast is off.

00:23:45Oh, have some sherry.

00:23:48Oh!

00:23:49What is it, my birthday?

00:23:51Oh, yes!

00:23:55What again?

00:23:57It's the third time this month.

00:24:00Yes!

00:24:01Now, have another one.

00:24:05Eddie, mark the bottle.

00:24:07Um, I was just wondering, Mrs. Foxfire,

00:24:11given your increasing infirmity,

00:24:13whether you might like to take the opportunity

00:24:14to pay a little of your bill in advance.

00:24:18After all, we don't want you getting so crippled by arthritis

00:24:21that you can't sign the cheque, now do we?

00:24:23Oh, no, but I gave you five years in advance last week.

00:24:27Yeah.

00:24:28And the week before that.

00:24:30Oh, yes.

00:24:32Silly old me.

00:24:46Is that real gold in those teeth?

00:24:48You should get those checked, you know.

00:24:51My twin is a dentist.

00:24:53Your twin?

00:24:54Is that the same twin who's a gynaecologist?

00:24:58Huh?

00:25:00Uh, no, no.

00:25:01He's the third twin.

00:25:03Yes, that's right.

00:25:04That's who he is.

00:25:06Yes, that's it.

00:25:07I'll get him to come round this afternoon.

00:25:09No, in fact, I'll get him to come round right now.

00:25:12But I think I...

00:25:14No need to trouble yourself, Mrs. Foxfire.

00:25:17Come on.

00:25:18Hop to your room.

00:25:19Spit spot.

00:25:19Hippity-hoppity.

00:25:20Come on.

00:25:21Come on.

00:25:23Right, now, you off to your room

00:25:25and he'll be with you in a moment.

00:25:27Come on.

00:25:28Come on.

00:25:30Right, get me a white doctor's coat,

00:25:31some pliers and a hammer.

00:25:34Oh, an idiot.

00:25:34Better give me your glasses as some sort of disguise.

00:25:40How do I look?

00:25:41I don't know.

00:25:41I can't see a fucking thing.

00:25:44Edward, have you been taking drugs?

00:25:46Well, come on.

00:25:47This is no time for depravity.

00:25:48Let's go and kick the old bin's teeth out.

00:26:03Are you sure this is the right place?

00:26:05It doesn't look very nice.

00:26:07It's right next to a nuclear power station, Dad.

00:26:09Well, you know, times are hard

00:26:11and this is the cheapest hotel in Britain

00:26:13so we're just going to have to make the best of it, aren't we?

00:26:16Come on.

00:26:16We're on holiday.

00:26:18Hooray.

00:26:22Go on, drink it, you bitch.

00:26:28Oh, that's good.

00:26:30That's going to loosen him up a bit.

00:26:31Right, Eddie, you get the croquet mallet

00:26:32while I do a bit of preliminary bridge work.

00:26:35Ryan-y-donkeys!

00:26:41Quick, Eddie, grab hold of this hammer

00:26:43and put your fingerprints all over it.

00:26:45Right-o!

00:26:50Dr. Twert, is that you?

00:26:53Er, yes.

00:26:56Have you completed the root canal work?

00:26:59Er, yes, yes.

00:27:01That's all looking, er, McFain.

00:27:03I'll pop back in a week or so

00:27:05and give you a wee check-up.

00:27:07Ta-ta.

00:27:07Come on, let's stop her!

00:27:30Good morning, good morning, good morning!

00:27:35Morning.

00:27:36We were beginning to think there was nobody here.

00:27:38Yes, it looked a bit like the Mary Celeste.

00:27:52Oh, now, what can I do for you?

00:28:05Well, er, we were wondering...

00:28:18Oh, I'm sorry, I was just remembering.

00:28:21Oh, Lord, I must write that one down.

00:28:24Mary Celeste.

00:28:25Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

00:28:26Oh, yes, yes, sort of implying that we run the kind of hotel

00:28:29where nobody wants to stay.

00:28:34Right, well, er, we were wondering if you had any rooms.

00:28:38Yes, we'd like two rooms adjoining.

00:28:41Yes, with a sea view, please.

00:28:43Gosh, you're quite forthright, aren't you?

00:28:45In your demands.

00:28:47My word, Eddie, important people here.

00:28:50Well, first things first.

00:28:52Have you got any valuables?

00:28:54That you'd like me to put in the safe?

00:28:56Erm, no, not really, no.

00:28:58What about that ring?

00:28:59Well, I never take it off.

00:29:01All right, what about the watch, then?

00:29:03Ooh, is that expensive?

00:29:04Er, no, it's just a cheap copy.

00:29:06Well, that'll do.

00:29:07The pawnbroker's very short-sighted.

00:29:09Eddie!

00:29:10Means you don't need a watch in paradise.

00:29:15Time stops here.

00:29:20So watch, please.

00:29:21Erm, I'd rather keep it on.

00:29:22Watch!

00:29:23Please.

00:29:24But I won't be able to tell the...

00:29:24Watch!

00:29:29Come on!

00:29:32Hmm.

00:29:33There.

00:29:34Better safe than sorry.

00:29:36Eddie!

00:29:37Take their bags.

00:29:39But they'll see, won't they?

00:29:41No, Eddie.

00:29:43Take their bags to their rooms.

00:29:45Hmm?

00:29:46And you'll keep them talking.

00:29:48Gotcha.

00:29:49Ooh!

00:29:50Look over there!

00:29:59And off we go!

00:30:01Off to your rooms!

00:30:17I beg your pardon?

00:30:18Oh, what I'll say.

00:30:23Have you stayed in a hotel before?

00:30:25This is the door, this is the corridor, and this is the light switch.

00:30:30I've depressed the light switch now, which is on a timer, which has been scientifically designed

00:30:36to allow you plenty of time to take your key and insert it in the arse.

00:30:42Insert it in your arse?

00:30:44Quiet, Eddie.

00:30:45Never mind, I'm a resourceful chap, so I find the... bastard... fucking... where is it?

00:30:53Ah, there we are.

00:30:57In we go.

00:30:59Eddie!

00:31:00What on earth are you doing?

00:31:02Er...

00:31:03I was just going to unpack for them.

00:31:07Oh, don't worry.

00:31:08I'd like to do that myself.

00:31:10Er, where's the sea view?

00:31:12Oh, yes.

00:31:13That'll be out of the window.

00:31:16Yeah, well, I can't see it.

00:31:17That's what I mean.

00:31:18You have to lean out of the window.

00:31:20Come on, come on.

00:31:21Lean out of the window.

00:31:22Lean out of the window.

00:31:23Lean out of the window.

00:31:24Hold on to the scaffolding, narrow your eyes, and you can just make out the steam coming off

00:31:28the sewage pipe in Dead Man's Cove.

00:31:30I've had it checked by lawyers, and it's a thoroughly watertight sea view, so don't try

00:31:34anything funny.

00:31:35And, as a backup, I've got a picture of some sea here, so I've got you both ways.

00:31:44Could I just ask, is breakfast thrown in?

00:31:48It depends who's serving.

00:31:49I sometimes bring it on a tray.

00:31:52Eddie, a word.

00:31:56I've told you before, never, ever, ever talk to the adult guests.

00:32:00Ow!

00:32:01What's going on?

00:32:03He poked me in the eye.

00:32:05No, I didn't.

00:32:06She walked into my finger.

00:32:10Look, what time is it?

00:32:13Look, why don't you let Eddie here take these little nippers off to the playground?

00:32:21Come on, you little rascals!

00:32:24And why don't you two pop yourselves down to the bar for a complimentary glass of sherry?

00:32:30Oh, well, that does sound nice.

00:32:32Well, it is.

00:32:33And it's only 75 pence.

00:32:37Each.

00:32:38In advance.

00:32:40Oh, okay, sorry.

00:32:44Okay.

00:32:46There we are.

00:32:46Oh, yes, uh, have a nice day.

00:32:56So, and as we always say at the Guest House Paradiso, have fun, don't go in the water if you

00:33:01know what's good for you,

00:33:01and try not to get shit on the sheets.

00:33:23Huh.

00:33:25Hmm.

00:33:35It's horrible, kid.

00:33:39Welcome to the real world, kid.

00:34:13I really must have some more, Sherry.

00:34:35Here you are, kid.

00:34:37Have a swig of this.

00:34:38It helps to keep things blurred.

00:34:56Oh, dear.

00:35:30Shame about the weather.

00:35:32Shame about the hotel.

00:35:34Never mind.

00:35:35Happy anniversary, darling.

00:35:39No!

00:35:40No!

00:35:41Damn!

00:35:42Damn!

00:35:43Damn!

00:35:47Damn!

00:35:48Damn!

00:35:57Damn!

00:36:00Damn!

00:36:03Damn!

00:36:05Damn!

00:36:07Damn!

00:36:07Hello, yes, it's Mr Thwaite here, the hotel manager.

00:36:09I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to vacate your room for a moment.

00:36:12Hello.

00:36:13Excuse me a moment, would you?

00:36:16Hello?

00:36:22Hello?

00:36:26Hello?

00:36:26Hello, man behind the counter.

00:36:37Ah, there you are.

00:36:40Mr Thwaite?

00:36:42No.

00:36:43No.

00:36:43Well, do you know where he is?

00:36:45Oh, well, he could be anywhere.

00:36:47After all, he's the only one who does a fucking thing around here.

00:36:49I'm surprised he hasn't had a nervous breakdown by now with the amount of shit he has to put up

00:36:52with.

00:36:52Pardon?

00:36:54Uh, the bar.

00:36:57The bar.

00:36:58He is in the bar.

00:37:02Right.

00:37:03The bar.

00:37:03It's not a good night.

00:37:10But...

00:37:11there's no one there.

00:37:14Oh, God!

00:37:16Oh, God!

00:37:18Oh, God!

00:37:20Oh, God!

00:37:21Oh, God!

00:37:25Oh, God!

00:37:26He's gone completely numb.

00:37:28You lucky bastard.

00:37:33Good morning. I'm looking for Mr. Twat.

00:37:38Have you tried reception?

00:37:41Yes, but he doesn't seem to be there.

00:37:43The strange midget said he was in the lounge, but he wasn't.

00:37:51Well, I'm sure if we wait here, he'll turn up.

00:37:58Charming part of the country.

00:38:04Does it rain a lot around here?

00:38:09More or less continuously, yes.

00:38:12Oh. Oh, well.

00:38:17Good for the flowers, I suppose.

00:38:20Still quite warm, though.

00:38:37Look, I don't know why, but something tells me I can trust you.

00:38:43You see, the thing is...

00:38:53I am Gina Carbonara.

00:38:58Gina Carbonara, the famous Italian film star and love object.

00:39:05God, blimey, wait till Richie hears about this.

00:39:11The truth is...

00:39:14I've had a little bother lately with...

00:39:17one thing and another.

00:39:20And I'm looking for a hotel that's...

00:39:22quiet and discreet and out of the way.

00:39:25Where the paparazzi wouldn't expect to find me.

00:39:29I wouldn't know where to recommend.

00:39:33I was thinking of here.

00:39:35Oh.

00:39:38Oh.

00:39:41This seems the perfect spot.

00:39:43You're not in any of the guidebooks.

00:39:46Nobody for miles around.

00:39:47An oasis of calm.

00:39:50Even the peasants in the local village denied its existence.

00:39:57Oh, yes.

00:39:58This is the place.

00:40:01A perfect little refuge from the world.

00:40:09Right.

00:40:10Well, we'd better check you in, then.

00:40:20So, if you're not the manager,

00:40:23who are you?

00:40:25I'm Eddie the bellboy.

00:40:27The bellboy?

00:40:29That's right.

00:40:31Right.

00:40:46And here's your key.

00:40:48It's room five, first floor, end of the corridor.

00:40:52I shall bring your luggage up directly.

00:41:00Mice.

00:41:03Basque separatist mice.

00:41:12I was just cleaning the oven

00:41:14in my Ralph Moran rubber running shorts

00:41:17and, and, and...

00:41:19Don't never mind about all that now.

00:41:20I can't believe it.

00:41:21Gina Carbonara, stay here.

00:41:23Gina Carbonara.

00:41:24The melons from Milan.

00:41:26Yeah.

00:41:27The nipples from Naples.

00:41:28The rump from Rome.

00:41:30The rectum from Reykjavik.

00:41:34Hang on.

00:41:35That's not quite right, is it?

00:41:36Well, I don't know about that.

00:41:37She gets around.

00:41:38Right.

00:41:38Eddie, assemble all the staff.

00:41:39I need to speak to them all.

00:41:41And here I am.

00:41:42Good.

00:41:43What, is this all there is of you?

00:41:44Where's Lardy Vasto?

00:41:46Chef left this morning, remember?

00:41:47Damn, so he did.

00:41:50So, it's just us, then.

00:41:52Very well, then.

00:41:54Alone.

00:41:55Oh, God!

00:41:55What are we going to do?

00:41:56What are we going to do?

00:41:57No!

00:41:58Calm down, bitchy!

00:41:59It's only Gina Carbonara.

00:42:01I know it's Gina Carbonara.

00:42:03I'm already straining these welded-on rubber underpants to the limit.

00:42:05Well, we'll soon have you out of those.

00:42:16What about dinner?

00:42:18Oh, my God!

00:42:19She'll be expecting top-rated, fancy, rich-style Iwanosh.

00:42:24I don't believe it!

00:42:25That Romanian bastard!

00:42:27He's eaten all the food!

00:42:29Oh!

00:42:30Oh, God!

00:42:31Oh, God!

00:42:32Oh, God!

00:42:33Oh, God!

00:42:34Why do these things happen to me?

00:42:37I thought this was going to be it for us, Eddie.

00:42:39I was even going to have a little blue plaque made saying,

00:42:41Gina Carbonara stayed here!

00:42:43Well, now you'll have to get a slightly bigger one made that says,

00:42:47Gina Carbonara stayed here and thought it was shit.

00:42:52Are you sure this is going to work?

00:42:55Is the Pope a Catholic?

00:42:57Yes, he is.

00:42:58Is he?

00:42:59Ha!

00:43:00I never knew that.

00:43:02Right.

00:43:03Yep.

00:43:04That should do it.

00:43:05So, what's the next part of the operation?

00:43:07Well, I puncture the pants with this kebab skewer

00:43:11strapped to the end of a broom handle.

00:43:13The sudden release of pressure

00:43:15causes the pants to gradually disintegrate.

00:43:20Well, if you say so.

00:43:22Right. Brace yourself.

00:43:23Here we go.

00:43:25And here comes!

00:43:52It's so boring here.

00:43:54Well, let's play a game then.

00:43:56What about I spy?

00:43:57No.

00:43:58Well, let's play Charlene's favourite game.

00:44:00Yeah.

00:44:02All right.

00:44:07Okay.

00:44:08Here we go.

00:44:09Hope you're all hiding.

00:44:10One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, nine, ten.

00:44:23Coming, ready or not.

00:44:26Oh, you have grown.

00:44:27What?

00:44:28Oh, oh, I see what you mean.

00:44:30Are you Mr. Twat?

00:44:31It's Thwaite.

00:44:32No, no, I'm not him.

00:44:34I'm his deranged half-brother.

00:44:51And stay there.

00:44:52I have told you never to enter the public areas of the hotel.

00:44:57Oh, I'm so sorry.

00:44:58Forgive me.

00:44:59I was talking to my demented half-brother, Reginald.

00:45:01Is he all right?

00:45:02Oh, no, no, no.

00:45:03He's mad as underpants, but don't you worry.

00:45:05It's terminal.

00:45:06Now, please allow me to show you around the hotel.

00:45:09Oh, my.

00:45:11You have a pert elbow.

00:45:14You must be Gina Carbonara.

00:45:18Yes.

00:45:19And you must be Mr. Thwaite.

00:45:21It's Twat.

00:45:23I'm so sorry.

00:45:25Please forgive me, Mr. Twat.

00:45:27Yes.

00:45:28I have a small problem.

00:45:30Would you mind coming into my room?

00:45:32No.

00:45:34You won't?

00:45:35No, no, no, no.

00:45:36I won't have a problem.

00:45:38I'm not being too forward.

00:45:39No, no.

00:45:40I like the way they stick out.

00:45:44Now, what seems to be the problem?

00:45:46Electrics?

00:45:47The plumbing?

00:45:48The stench?

00:45:50Although, by the way, should you have a personal problem,

00:45:55I am, in fact, a qualified gynecologist.

00:45:59Well, strictly speaking, I'm an amateur, but I'm bloody keen.

00:46:03Oh, keen as mustard.

00:46:05I'm just having trouble with my zip.

00:46:08Your zip?

00:46:09Yes.

00:46:10Could you undo my zip?

00:46:12No, I'm not a zip.

00:46:15Pardon?

00:46:17No, I'm not a zip.

00:46:19I still don't understand.

00:46:21You want me to undo your zip?

00:46:24Oh, yes.

00:46:25Would you?

00:46:27Well, I'll have a bloody good go.

00:46:34You see, it is just stuck here.

00:46:37You don't mind that I do not wear a brassiere?

00:46:41Oh, no.

00:46:43This is such a charming hotel.

00:46:46Unlike anywhere else I've ever been.

00:46:50I feel I could stay here forever.

00:46:55You're such a sweet man.

00:47:10Love is such a fickle thing, don't you think?

00:47:13What?

00:47:13Oh, love.

00:47:15Oh, yes, love.

00:47:17Oh, dummy, love.

00:47:19How very well put.

00:47:22How very amusing.

00:47:25How swad is all.

00:47:29Yes, it's such...

00:47:32Oh, he's gone.

00:47:39Oh, it's cold in here.

00:47:44Eddie!

00:47:54Bloody road protesters.

00:47:56Save the B-157!

00:47:59It's marvellous Eddie.

00:48:00Look!

00:48:01Fish for supper!

00:48:02We're seen!

00:48:04Ha ha ha!

00:48:06Come on!

00:48:31Have you had enough time to read the menu, Mrs. Foxford, or would you like me to come back later?

00:48:35Well, I think I'll have the fish.

00:48:38Oh, God!

00:48:39Wise choice.

00:48:40So everyone's having fish, then.

00:48:43Excellent!

00:48:45I don't like this fish.

00:48:47You're bloody well eat what you're given, buster.

00:48:48This is a restaurant and you're a minor.

00:48:50Legally, you've got no rights.

00:48:51And I'm happy to call the police any time I like.

00:48:53Okay?

00:48:53For what the Lord has provided, let us be truly effing thankful.

00:48:58Okay?

00:48:58And the same goes for you.

00:49:01Enjoying your meal?

00:49:03Yes.

00:49:04Good.

00:49:04Well, we've got royalty coming downstairs in a minute, so just fucking behave.

00:49:09Who are you?

00:49:11Uh, we're Mr...

00:49:12And Mrs.

00:49:13Oh.

00:49:16Barker.

00:49:17The honeymoon couple.

00:49:18You're still here.

00:49:19Have you been in bed all day?

00:49:22Well, we're newlyweds.

00:49:23Good grief.

00:49:25Well, what can I get you?

00:49:26Vitamins?

00:49:27Energy tablets?

00:49:28Funny pump?

00:49:30No.

00:49:31I just wanted a table.

00:49:32Should we just go back upstairs?

00:49:34No, you bloody well won't.

00:49:35That's quite enough of that sort of thing for one day.

00:49:37Sit down.

00:49:38Just sit down and eat your supper quietly like normal people.

00:49:41It's absolutely disgusting.

00:49:48Now, what can I get you?

00:49:51Do you have any fish?

00:49:54Oh, well, I'll see what I can do.

00:50:06Good evening, Miss Carbonara.

00:50:09Good evening, Mr. Twat.

00:50:11It's cunt.

00:50:14Oh, damn, again.

00:50:18I wonder whether it would be too much trouble for you if I ate in my room.

00:50:23Oh.

00:50:25Of course.

00:50:27Oh.

00:50:28Of course.

00:50:30Well, what can I bring you?

00:50:32Oh, the fish is very good tonight.

00:50:34Yes.

00:50:35Lightly grilled fish and a salad.

00:50:37That would be perfect.

00:50:38A lightly grilled fish and a salad.

00:50:44Righty-ho.

00:50:45I'll have that up to you in a jiffy.

00:50:47And, um, would it offend you if I ate it naked?

00:50:53Yes, I would like to have it undressed.

00:50:58Hmm?

00:50:59Well, I don't want to cause a fuss in the kitchen.

00:51:02Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:51:03They'll be raring to go on that one.

00:51:06Undressed, you say?

00:51:07Yes.

00:51:08I find it good for my chakras.

00:51:10Well, I should imagine you do.

00:51:11And with chakras like those, you want to look after them.

00:51:14Or as we used to say in the voice, cats, um...

00:51:22Oh, she's gone.

00:51:23Right.

00:51:24If we're to Elizabeth and Dingum Baba, this could be our lucky day.

00:51:38Come in.

00:51:52Good evening.

00:51:53Good morning.

00:51:57Good evening.

00:52:03You have a very big hat.

00:52:07Well, you're a very attractive bird.

00:52:23And with your salad, salad cream or cooking oil?

00:52:28Pardon?

00:52:31Cream or oil?

00:52:33No, I said I would like to eat the salad undressed.

00:52:36Oh, I know that.

00:52:37We're both looking forward to it.

00:52:39I'll say.

00:52:41No, I mean without dressing.

00:52:46Oh.

00:52:47Oh.

00:52:48Oh, God.

00:52:50Back to the kitchen.

00:52:51Oh, God.

00:52:53Quickly, quickly, quickly.

00:52:54Oh, God.

00:52:58No, really, it's just too much.

00:53:01You know, I'm going to confront him.

00:53:04So, you know, you take the kids to bed.

00:53:07Well, be careful, babe.

00:53:15Hello?

00:53:23Hello?

00:53:25Hello?

00:53:26Hello?

00:53:32I don't know.

00:54:11Oh, I don't feel well.

00:54:24Hey, hey, give him one for me, won't you?

00:54:26No, if you get too tired, don't worry, just phone now and I'll happily come up and give

00:54:29her one myself.

00:54:31I'm not joking, actually.

00:54:51What earth do you think you're doing?

00:54:52Oh.

00:54:54Excuse me, I was looking for you, actually.

00:54:56Some underwear has gone missing from our room.

00:54:58Oh, really?

00:54:58And what sort of underwear was it then?

00:55:02Oh, well...

00:55:03Well, they were crotchless rubber panties, actually.

00:55:08Are you quite sure they were crotchless?

00:55:10Yes, quite sure.

00:55:11And a rubber bra is missing as well.

00:55:13Hey, Rich, look at this bloke in spiky underwear.

00:55:17Is it...

00:55:19Is it...

00:55:20Is it you?

00:55:21No, don't put that back on.

00:55:22No.

00:55:30It's broken.

00:55:32I see, and I suppose there's no other machine.

00:55:33Oh, no.

00:55:35Afraid not.

00:55:38Right, well, I'll just take this tape, shall I?

00:55:40Show it to the police in the morning!

00:55:44Hey, Rich.

00:55:46What are we going to do?

00:55:47We'll just...

00:55:48Bide our time, Eddie.

00:55:51We'll just...

00:55:52Bide our time.

00:55:58Can you take your hand off my penis?

00:56:00What?

00:56:01Sorry!

00:56:29Well, you stop making those owl noises!

00:56:32Sorry.

00:56:33Right.

00:56:34Now, follow me.

00:56:40Rich!

00:56:41Rich!

00:56:41Oh, what happened to you candle in the eye on candle in the eye

00:57:03Right

00:57:07Let's get sensible, okay?

00:57:32Right, they're fast asleep, get your tackle out

00:57:35I beg your pardon, hand me your rod

00:57:38Hmm?

00:57:40The fishing rod

00:57:42Oh, righto

00:57:51Here we go

00:57:54Shh

00:58:03Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

00:58:16Come on, baby

00:58:25Oh, yeah, it's got a tight grip on it

00:58:48Come on, baby

00:58:50Oh, oh

00:58:53You're gonna have to help me out on this, Eddie

00:58:55You're gonna have to help me out on this, Eddie

00:58:55You are me, old fucker

00:59:00You got a whopper there, Rich

00:59:01Oh, why, thank you, Eddie

00:59:03Must be all the excitement

00:59:06Oh

00:59:10Oh, yes

00:59:11Lady Diana, Princess of Wales

00:59:14Smack me up, you bitch

00:59:24Oh

00:59:32Oh

00:59:40Oh

00:59:41Oh

00:59:46Who do you think that is?

00:59:47Who do you think that is?

00:59:47I think that's someone ringing the front doorbell

00:59:49I think you're right

00:59:50Quick, go down and see what they want before they wake everyone up

00:59:52Right

00:59:53Go on, Eddie

00:59:54Yeah

00:59:54If it's the police, claim all responsibility

00:59:57Right-o

00:59:58Good man

01:00:05I'm coming

01:00:06I'm coming

01:00:07I'm coming

01:00:27I'm coming

01:00:28An expensive bottle of champagne

01:00:30Otherwise

01:00:30You are one dead motherfucker

01:00:33Watch the language if you can

01:00:36We're trying to keep this PG, alright?

01:00:38Okay, excuse me

01:00:39Otherwise, you are one dead motherfucker

01:00:41Get fucking out of

01:00:44I tried

01:00:53Gino

01:00:55Si

01:00:57So

01:00:59Why you not turn up at the church yesterday?

01:01:03You are too famous not to come to your own wedding!

01:01:07Eh?

01:01:09Or maybe is it that poor Gino

01:01:11From Sicilia

01:01:12Your own country

01:01:13Is not good enough for you?

01:01:15Eh?

01:01:16Is that it?

01:01:34Right

01:01:38Gina

01:01:40You know why I didn't come

01:01:43How can I know?

01:01:44You never tell me anything

01:01:47Because the night before the wedding

01:01:49You sleep with all three of the bridesmaids

01:01:52But

01:01:53But at the time I wasn't married

01:01:54I was free Gino!

01:01:58Gina

01:01:58Per favore, Gina

01:02:01Gina

01:02:03Gina

01:02:03Amore

01:02:05Gina

01:02:06Gina

01:02:07Gina, per favore, amore

01:02:26Come on, bambina

01:02:28You know that I do not want to spend another moment of my life without you

01:02:32Huh?

01:02:34Do you have your wedding address with you?

01:02:39E allora

01:02:40Why don't you put it on

01:02:42For me

01:02:43For Gino

01:02:44So we can marry yourself

01:02:46Huh?

01:02:46Si

01:02:48Si

01:02:50Si

01:02:58Si

01:02:59Look

01:03:02Yes

01:03:02It's very beautiful

01:03:03Why don't you put it on

01:03:08Do you know a nice bordero around here?

01:03:13You find me some girls

01:03:15Pretty girls

01:03:16And you put them in another room for me

01:03:20Capisce?

01:03:21He's bad

01:03:23Amore, vieni qua

01:03:25The boyfriend

01:03:27Why didn't she tell me he was coming earlier?

01:03:36Leading me on

01:03:38The brazen hussy

01:03:41She was just using me

01:03:44Before she tied the knot

01:03:47Just one last little bit of love exercise

01:03:52Which didn't come off

01:03:56Like these blasted pants

01:03:58Oh, that reminds me

01:04:00Oh, God

01:04:04Richie

01:04:06Richie

01:04:25Evening

01:04:26Evening

01:04:27Evening

01:04:27Oh, no

01:04:28Friday night

01:04:30Yep

01:04:30Another shift done

01:04:32Yeah, sorry we're a bit late this week

01:04:34And a bit of a party at the plant

01:04:35It was a leaving party

01:04:37Well, someone on B shift had died

01:04:38So technically it was a leaving party

01:05:08No, she was just a crux

01:05:10We didn't know if we stopped

01:05:10You have to have to take us

01:05:10That may be

01:05:10You need to know if we haven't

01:05:28Now, now, look, I'm sorry, but...

01:05:31Oh, the weekly lock-in at Guesthouse Paradiso.

01:05:35All right, lads, but it'll have to be a quick one.

01:05:38We've got guests.

01:05:40You've got guests!

01:05:55All right, then, what'll it be?

01:06:09I feel poor.

01:06:14Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad, wake up!

01:06:19What is it, Damien?

01:06:21Are you all right, darling?

01:06:22The nasty man! He's in the cupboard! The nasty man's in the cupboard!

01:06:25Nasty man?

01:06:26The hotel man!

01:06:27You're just having a nightmare, darling.

01:06:30But he's really in there!

01:06:31Come on, come on. Come into bed with Mummy and Daddy.

01:06:33But he really is there.

01:06:35I'm sure you think he's in there.

01:06:42I've been having some pretty bad nightmares about that man myself.

01:06:56I feel poorly.

01:07:03Come on, I'll tell you all, am I glad that shift's over.

01:07:06They have to give me seven showers today.

01:07:08Yeah. We had a bit of a leak yesterday.

01:07:11Had to drag all the dead fish out of the bay and burn them over it.

01:07:13It's all what's it?

01:07:14You probably saw them all going past on the lorries.

01:07:16Shhh!

01:07:26Mamma mia!

01:07:30You're looking beautiful.

01:07:34Beautiful.

01:08:06And I, Gino Giuseppe Gianluca Bolognese.

01:08:11Take you, Gina Tortellini Carbonara.

01:08:16To be my loveful wedded wife.

01:08:18To love and cherish me.

01:08:20To serve and obey me.

01:08:22Till death do us part.

01:08:24Amen.

01:08:36I do.

01:08:38And now, pronounces, men.

01:08:43And is a woman.

01:08:48No, Gino!

01:08:49What do you mean, no?

01:08:50What do you mean?

01:08:52You are not my woman.

01:08:53Everything that belongs to you, belongs to me.

01:09:16You mean the sham and dishonor to the whole Polognese family?

01:09:19Eddie!

01:09:39No sandwiches tonight, Eddie.

01:09:51Hello? Knight Porter?

01:09:59Where are the whores I ordered?

01:10:03I ordered three prostitutes!

01:10:06Send them to my room, I'll take them now!

01:10:13Huh? Okay!

01:10:17Excuse me, gentlemen?

01:10:25Hello? Knight Porter?

01:10:27Eddie, it's me.

01:10:29I'm stuck inside the bedside cabinet in room six.

01:10:33Okay.

01:10:35Won't be a minute, gents.

01:10:39I'll go and get us the sandwiches.

01:10:45Come to me! What I want is what is rightfully right!

01:10:50Tino! What are you doing?

01:10:52This was my mother's dress!

01:10:54And my grandmother's dress before that!

01:10:55Eh, but that's okay! Bring them all and fuck them too!

01:10:58I am one fucking guy!

01:11:01Oh!

01:11:22What are you doing?

01:11:23Sorry!

01:11:24Sorry!

01:11:24Hotel maintenance.

01:11:25I have to remove this bedside cabinet.

01:11:28What?

01:11:29Yes, it's got woodworm.

01:11:32It's the middle of the night.

01:11:33It's the middle of the night.

01:11:33Why do you have to remove it now?

01:11:35It's...

01:11:35a fire risk.

01:11:36No, it's not.

01:11:39Yes, it's not.

01:11:44See what I mean?

01:11:45You can't be too careful!

01:11:48Look!

01:11:49There it is!

01:12:02Thank you so much and enjoy the rest of your evening.

01:12:27I'm not so nervous because I have to come to me.

01:12:30Good night.

01:12:31And you decided to leave your own hands.

01:12:33It's my face.

01:12:33It's my face!

01:12:34It's my face!

01:12:35It's my face!

01:12:43I'm so sorry. Why don't you toddle off to bed while I make sure that Eddie here doesn't

01:12:50trouble you again. No, no, no, no, that won't be necessary. Just don't disturb us again,

01:12:55please. We'll be checking out first thing in the morning.

01:13:06Oh dear. And here it is. Hurrah. Oh, Eddie, all our troubles are over. I'm not so sure that

01:13:18they are, Richie. Earth, do you mean? That fish in the kitchen, where did you get it from?

01:13:23Yeah, no one ate any of the fish today. Earth, no. Good, because it's highly dangerous. Those

01:13:29kind of readings, they must have come from right next to the meltdown outfall. Shut it.

01:13:33What on earth is this? What on earth is going on? Look, I don't know where you got that

01:13:35fish, and I don't particularly want to know, but what I do know is this hotel is now extremely

01:13:39highly contaminated. Thank God no one ate any. Well, you'd be up for first degree murder.

01:13:44We'd better get out of here. You want to clear this hotel in any case? Because I tell you,

01:13:48Richie, this is not the end of this. This is big trouble, not for the eye-chopper, they're

01:13:52fighting us. What did you have to shoot your mouth off like that for? Come on, we'd better

01:13:57get on to said squad. How did they get that fish?

01:14:03All of them. Very well. Let's just pack our bags and skid out of all. God!

01:14:17What's that noise?

01:14:22Oh, oh, Mr. Twat. Yes? What is it?

01:14:40Oh, Mr. Twat. Help me. Shut up and get back in your room, you sad old bitch!

01:14:50It's my mummy. I want my mummy.

01:14:54I want my mummy.

01:15:09Come on.

01:15:11Come on.

01:15:19Oh, God!

01:15:21Oh, God!

01:15:22Oh, God.

01:15:29Please, you've got to help me. My wife's being very sick.

01:15:38I can't help me.

01:15:43Oh, my God!

01:15:46Bobby!

01:15:47Oh, dear.

01:15:49Will it all be on your side?

01:15:52Get me... Oh, God!

01:15:56For God's sake, get me...

01:16:01I can't...

01:16:03Get me...

01:16:11My wife is...

01:16:13Oh, God!

01:16:22Oh, my God!

01:16:35Dad, coming again!

01:16:38Dad, coming again!

01:16:48This... is the time!

01:16:54I can't...

01:16:56No!

01:16:57No!

01:16:59No!

01:17:01No!

01:17:03No!

01:17:04No!

01:17:07No!

01:17:08Oh, my God.

01:17:49No, I just don't have anything to wear.

01:17:55So that's where I've got to.

01:17:58Come on, Ritchie, this is no time for dancing.

01:18:01We've got to get out of here.

01:18:03No, no, no, no.

01:18:04No, no, no.

01:18:05No, no, no, no.

01:18:38No, no, no, no.

01:19:18No, no, no, no.

01:19:26No, no, no, no.

01:19:57All I wanted was a shang!

01:20:28You give me that suitcase and I'll give you this one.

01:20:33What's in it?

01:20:35Ten million pounds.

01:20:38Okay.

01:20:44This case contains new identities and passports for the three of them.

01:20:48And first-class plane tickets to the Caribbean.

01:20:56Okay!

01:21:01If you'd care to sign here to show that you've never lived in England and never even heard the words

01:21:05radioactive and leak, then you can be on your way.

01:21:09Shall we shake?

01:21:13I'd rather not.

01:21:15I'll let you know.

01:21:33Okay.

01:21:43Let's do that.

01:21:43I'll let you know.

01:21:53You have a very big hat.

01:21:55Well, you're a very attractive girl.

01:21:59Well, calm down, Rishi.

01:22:04Oh, he has got a tight grip on it.

01:22:07Candle in the eye.

01:22:09Right on.

01:22:23Thank you so much for killing my awful boyfriend by radioactive fish poisoning.

01:22:28How lucky that he was the only fatality.

01:22:31Yes.

01:22:32Otherwise, there'd be a moral question mark hanging over our escape.

01:22:36I don't think I will ever be able to repay you.

01:22:39Oh, I don't know about that.

01:22:40I think it's my turn, isn't it?

01:22:43Yes, of course it is.

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended