- 17 hours ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Fresh and fruit, I haven't had a price.
00:03Compring fruit, the fresh kind, for the fresh fruit.
00:06When he walks down the street,
00:10he smiles at everyone.
00:13Hey, how's this, your king?
00:14Everyone that he needs
00:18calls him king of Kensington.
00:20How you doing, king?
00:21Oh, dear, king.
00:22Three colors, king.
00:23He finds his fortune in the faces that surround him.
00:27His wife says helping other people brings him luck.
00:31But then his mother tells a slightly different story.
00:35He's the only king around without a buck.
00:39He's a man among men.
00:43The people's champion.
00:48And when destiny calls him...
00:52I'm sorry, that line is still busy.
00:55He's king of Kensington.
01:01What a guy.
01:10Christmas carols.
01:18More Christmas carols.
01:35That was the Chinese Christian children's opera
01:37with their version of The Night Before Christmas.
01:40With the Australian Bushman's Little Drummer Boy.
01:49You can't get away from it.
01:51Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
01:55Oh, what power it is to run.
01:57Larry, you're Jewish.
01:59What?
02:00Let Kathy jingle.
02:01It's her holiday.
02:02What's the matter?
02:03A Jew can't go dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh?
02:09Thank God your father's not alive to see a Christmas tree in this house.
02:12Bad enough that your third grade teacher put you into the Christmas pageant.
02:16My son, one of the three wise men.
02:19Your father never forgave that teacher.
02:21Until she played the accordion at my bar mitzvah.
02:24She murdered Hava Nagila.
02:28Hi, Gladys.
02:29Hi, King.
02:30Hey, Kathy will be here in a minute.
02:31She's behind the tree.
02:33It had to be a big one.
02:35Oh, there were hardly any left.
02:37This was the smallest one.
02:39What were the other ones?
02:40Redwoods?
02:42Oh, good.
02:42You got the decorations up in the basement.
02:45Why not leave it natural like that?
02:47Then I could pretend it was just a big plant.
02:52Matt, why don't you take your coat off and stay a while?
02:55All right.
02:56Yeah, you can put the hooks on these Christmas balls.
02:58Oh, I love Christmas.
03:00There's only one thing wrong with it.
03:02What's that, honey?
03:03It doesn't last all year.
03:05Well, don't worry about it.
03:06Eaton's is working on it.
03:09Well, you know, a lot of people don't like Christmas.
03:11I was reading in the National Enquirer, a lot of people get depressed.
03:15Loneliness, drinking, suicides.
03:17It's a bad time of the year for a lot of people.
03:19Very Merry Christmas to you too, Max.
03:22Thank you, King.
03:23You're welcome.
03:45You should have been here two seconds ago.
03:47What?
03:47We heard a knock on the door, and suddenly in walked this tiny little toy.
03:54No, it's true.
03:56Oh, yeah, Max.
03:57I saw it with my very own eyes.
04:01That's why I bought it for you, Max.
04:03And the batteries are from me.
04:05Hey, where's Gladys?
04:06We got a present for everybody.
04:07Hey, Max.
04:08Come on down.
04:09The guys are here.
04:10Ooh, what a beautiful tree.
04:13I think it's the nicest one we ever had.
04:15Hey, that's what you said last year.
04:16And the year before that.
04:18And the year before.
04:19And the year before.
04:21Hey, would you guys like a drink?
04:23Oh, I think we got to be getting you home.
04:26Yeah, yeah.
04:26He's already a little drunk.
04:29Well, maybe just a little one.
04:32That's what you said last year.
04:34And the year before.
04:35And the year before.
04:37Kathy, I think you better forget the drink, because Duke's got to walk home.
04:42Gladys, look at this.
04:43Oh, the little drummer boy.
04:45Gladys, have you been a good little guy this year?
04:51What's the matter?
04:52Where's your sister's spirit?
04:53By the smell of things, you drank it already.
04:56Did you bring the present?
04:57Here it is.
05:00Gladys, you open it.
05:02Oh, no, no, thank you.
05:03I appreciate your sentiments, but it's not my holiday.
05:06Oh, Ma, open it.
05:07All right, all right.
05:10What is it, Ma?
05:15The Encyclopedia of Jewish Humor.
05:19I like it, all right?
05:21It's nice.
05:26Hey, honey, listen to this one.
05:30Papa, you know something, Sarah?
05:32Those toys we gave the children for Hanukkah were very educational.
05:36Mama, you don't say.
05:37Papa, yes, they taught me how little you can get these days for $10.
05:43Oh, it's a $10.
05:45Hey, Ma, listen, what time do you close the store tomorrow?
05:48Oh, uh, about 5 o'clock, I guess.
05:51Well, look, why don't you come over to Mom and Dad's after you close up?
05:55We won't be eating until around 6, and you can have dinner with us.
05:57Uh, I don't think so, Kathy.
06:00Oh, come on, why not?
06:01It's really fun.
06:03Larry hands out presents to everyone there,
06:05and the food is really good, and you'd have a swell time.
06:08Come on.
06:09Oof.
06:12Oh, no, Kathy, I don't think so.
06:14It's your celebration.
06:16All your family will be there, and I got letters to write.
06:19Oh, come on, Ma.
06:21Why do you even have to open on Christmas Day?
06:23Who goes shopping on Christmas Day?
06:26Are you kidding?
06:27Listen, all the people who get presents from people they didn't buy presents for
06:31come in to get them presents.
06:33So what about busiest days?
06:35Hey, listen to this one.
06:37If you really loved me, you'd buy me a mink, she pouted.
06:41All right, I'll buy you a mink if that's important to you, he grumbled.
06:44But only on one condition.
06:47Condition?
06:48What condition?
06:50You have to keep its cage clean.
07:11Would you mind turning that off?
07:13Turning what off?
07:14Joy to the world.
07:15It depresses me.
07:16Oh, no, I don't mind.
07:17I'm about to close up anyway.
07:21Excuse me.
07:22Do you know how to work one of these?
07:24What's to know?
07:25You point it and click it and wait 60 seconds.
07:27Right.
07:28Yeah, so what can I do for you?
07:29Film, black and white or color?
07:31No, no, it's got film in it.
07:32So what do you want?
07:34I'd like you to take my picture.
07:35You want me to take your picture?
07:37Oh, if you don't mind.
07:38What for?
07:39As a favor?
07:40Hey, look, forget it.
07:41Oh, no, I don't mind.
07:43What do you want?
07:44Get to toe a cropped at the waist.
07:45No, no.
07:45I just need a straight shot of my face.
07:48With my head, you know.
07:49That's all.
07:51Okay.
07:52Where should I stand?
07:54Anywhere.
07:59Here?
08:00Fine.
08:02Hold it.
08:02Hold it.
08:04Hold it.
08:04Could I take this down, this, uh, Merry Christmas thing?
08:08Take it.
08:17Say cheese.
08:19No.
08:20Say cheese.
08:21It'll make you smile.
08:22No, no.
08:23It's fine like this.
08:24Cheese, cheese.
08:26Take the picture like this.
08:38What time is it?
08:40Three minutes after five.
08:41What time is it in Vancouver?
08:43How should I know?
08:44Three hours early or three hours late?
08:46Three hours early.
08:48Uh, three minutes after two.
08:49Right.
08:49You live in Vancouver?
08:51No.
08:51I used to.
08:52My ex-wife lives in Vancouver.
08:55The picture's for her.
08:56This is a Christmas present for your wife?
08:58Yeah.
08:59You might say that.
09:00A little, uh, Christmas present for Sheila.
09:04Yeah.
09:05Is that the way I looked?
09:06When?
09:06When you took the picture.
09:08You should have said cheese.
09:09Let me have a penny, please.
09:11I can give you three Bic bananas for 59 cents.
09:14I just need one.
09:1525 cents for a basic Bic.
09:17Fine.
09:18I'll take one.
09:23Dear Sheila,
09:25do you spell depressed with two R's or one?
09:28Right.
09:31How do you spell moribund?
09:34Moribund, uh, what does it mean?
09:36At the point of death.
09:40M-O-R-I-B-U-N-D.
09:43Oh, I think.
09:44I'm not sure.
09:45I don't know the word.
09:45That's okay.
09:47I told you you'd be sorry.
09:53Now, maybe, you'll believe me.
09:59Hatefully yours, Artie Barlow.
10:03Okay.
10:04Can I have an envelope, please?
10:06I got Scotty's pastels in pink, yellow, and powder blue.
10:09Have you got black?
10:10No.
10:12Then powder blue.
10:16I just need one.
10:22Five cents.
10:28Anything else?
10:29Yeah.
10:30Some razor blades.
10:31What kind?
10:32Oh, doesn't matter as long as they're sharp.
10:34How about Super Crona 126, a package?
10:37How many you get in the package?
10:39Five.
10:39I just need one.
10:40Again, one.
10:43Is that the double edge?
10:44Yeah.
10:45I'll take it.
10:46How about some, like, shaving cream or aftershave lotion?
10:49Oh, no.
10:50No, that's all right.
10:51I won't be shaving anymore.
10:52I'm going home to kill myself.
11:01Come in.
11:02Come in, Artie, please.
11:04Come in the house.
11:05No, no.
11:05I gotta get home.
11:06Don't come in the house.
11:08We're wasting heat.
11:11Yeah, that's better.
11:13And now take off your coat.
11:14Stay a while.
11:16Listen, when you asked me to walk you home, you didn't say anything about staying.
11:18Okay?
11:19I walked you home.
11:20I gotta go.
11:21Now, please, as a personal favor to me, take off your coat.
11:24I hate to be alone on Christmas Day.
11:26Well...
11:26Just till my son and his wife get home.
11:33Would you mind taking down that tree?
11:35It really depresses me.
11:37To tell you the truth, it depresses me, too.
11:40But as a favor to my daughter-in-law, let's leave it.
11:43Well, all right.
11:44But I can't stay too long.
11:45I've gotta kill myself.
11:46I know.
11:47You've gotta kill yourself.
11:48Did you have anything to eat?
11:50Today?
11:51Yeah.
11:52Yeah.
11:52I had a little Jell-O.
11:53No Christmas dinner?
11:55No.
11:56I guess they depress you.
11:57You said it.
11:58I got it.
11:58Arnie?
11:59Arnie?
11:59Do you like jokes?
12:01What?
12:01Jokes.
12:02Do you like them?
12:03No.
12:03Oh, this one you'll love.
12:04Sit down.
12:05Sit down.
12:08I don't like jokes.
12:10An atheist came to a rabbi with a peculiar request.
12:13Rabbi, he said, I have made up my mind to violate every precept in the Torah.
12:19I have already broken every one I can think of, but I'm afraid I missed one or two.
12:25So, what do you want of me?
12:27Asked the rabbi.
12:29This.
12:30I'll enumerate all the commandments I have transgressed.
12:33And if you find that I forgot any, tell me so I can break them too.
12:38The rabbi listened stonily as the sinner recited a long list of the most shocking misdeeds he had perpetrated.
12:45There is just one more sin you will have to commit to make your record complete, said the rabbi.
12:52You forgot the rule against suicide.
12:55Drop dead.
13:04I don't think that's very funny.
13:07Where's the bathroom?
13:08Why do you want to know?
13:09I gotta go to the bathroom.
13:11What do you want to do in there?
13:13What?
13:13You're not going to do anything foolish in there.
13:15I gotta go.
13:17Artie, I don't want you going to the bathroom alone.
13:20I've been going to the bathroom alone for 32 years. Where is the bathroom?
13:24Please, Artie, promise me that you won't hurt yourself in there.
13:29What?
13:31Oh.
13:32Do you really think I would kill myself in somebody else's bathroom?
13:36Wow.
13:37What kind of a weirdo do you think I am?
13:40Artie, let me read you another joke.
13:42Where is the bathroom?
13:43I'm in pain.
13:45Promise me you won't hurt yourself.
13:48I promise.
13:49Upstairs, first door on the right.
13:51Artie, here.
13:52This will give you something to read.
14:05Hello?
14:07Hello?
14:08Oh, Mrs. Caird?
14:10This is Gladys.
14:12Your daughter's mother-in-law.
14:15Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't make it, too.
14:17Is Larry there?
14:19And a happy Chanukah to you, too, Mrs. Caird.
14:22Is Larry there?
14:23And a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
14:25Now, can I please speak to...
14:26Larry?
14:28It's your mother.
14:29Listen, I can't talk.
14:31Get home as fast as you can.
14:33There's a man in our bathroom who wants to commit suicide.
14:37Artie, are you all right?
14:41Artie?
14:46Thank God.
14:54I'm sorry this isn't your traditional Christmas dinner, Artie.
14:58But my daughter-in-law goes over to her parents' for turkey,
15:02and my son eats there, too.
15:03What you're having is a traditional Chanukah dinner.
15:06Look, it doesn't matter to me. It's all crap.
15:09The food?
15:10No, the holidays.
15:12They don't believe in me.
15:13It's a bunch of junk they stuff in your head
15:15to make you believe that life makes sense.
15:17Life does make sense.
15:18Yeah, that's what they want you to believe.
15:21Listen, if I had my daughter here, I'd tell her the truth.
15:23There's no Tooth Fairy, there's no Easter Bunny,
15:26there's no Santa Claus, and there's no God.
15:28There is a God.
15:29Listen.
15:31When I was a little kid, I believed in clowns.
15:35I mean, I thought there were real people, like, um, Chinese or something.
15:39Well, one day, my old man took me to the circus to see Bozo.
15:42And afterwards, we went backstage to Bozo's dress room
15:46so I could meet a real clown.
15:48You know what I saw?
15:49A little man who looked me right in the eye
15:51and pulled off his nose.
15:55How do you think I felt?
15:57I gotta go kill myself.
15:59Artie! Artie, God is no clown.
16:02He does not pull off his nose, and believe me, he cares.
16:06Yeah.
16:08Sure.
16:11So does Santa Claus.
16:12What is...
16:15What's happening here?
16:17What's happening?
16:19Is that you in there?
16:22Of course it's me.
16:23Why are you dressed like that?
16:25Well, I dress like this every year.
16:27I'm getting out of here.
16:29This is what I wear when I give out the presents.
16:32Who is this guy?
16:33Artie, this is my son, Larry King.
16:37Larry King, this is Artie Barlow, the young man who's committing suicide.
16:42Oh, pleased to meet you, Artie.
16:46Well, you wanna get us some coffee?
16:48Oh, we already had coffee, dear.
16:52Oh, coffee, sure.
16:55Listen, Artie, uh, I don't know you, and, uh, you don't know me, but, uh...
17:03You mind if I ask you, uh, a personal question?
17:08Go ahead.
17:09Why do you wanna kill yourself?
17:12Why not?
17:13Nobody cares.
17:14Oh, what do you mean nobody cares, huh?
17:17Well, listen, I'm gonna tell you something, Artie.
17:20Listen, I gotta go.
17:21I don't have time for a Christmas sermon.
17:23I got things to do.
17:24Hey, you great big banana, you.
17:26Well, I got things to do, too.
17:28I was having a great time at a party,
17:30handing out gifts to people, and I didn't even get to my own yet.
17:34What are you yelling at me for?
17:35Go on back to your party.
17:37I didn't ask you to come here.
17:38Well, yeah, I am gonna tell you something.
17:40Lookit, there's a lady out there in that kitchen
17:41who is worried sick about some complete stranger in her house,
17:45and you say that nobody cares, huh?
17:47Well, what'd she fool me for, hey, if nobody cares?
17:50Because she cares!
17:54Come on, Artie, open up your eyes and look around you.
17:57You say that nobody cares, huh?
17:58So what are you doing in my house if nobody cares?
18:01Hey, how'd you get here if nobody cares?
18:06And what am I doing here if nobody cares?
18:07I don't care!
18:19Would you mind taking off that beard? It really depresses me.
18:34This is the first Christmas I've spent by myself.
18:38Sheila left me last year on my birthday.
18:41It was a crummy marriage anyway.
18:44It wasn't easy on Linda.
18:46She's my kid, seven years old.
18:49Sheila had to send her to a child psychologist.
18:51That kid was crazy about him.
18:53And so was Sheila.
18:55They're married now.
18:57Listen, I don't begrudge her.
18:58I mean, he is great with kids.
19:00And Sheila is very immature.
19:03Artie, how do you take your coffee?
19:05Uh, I don't want any coffee.
19:08So, that's it.
19:10Thank you very much.
19:11You've been very kind.
19:12Give my regards to Rudolph the Reindeer.
19:16Call your daughter, Artie.
19:20Artie?
19:22Call your daughter.
19:23It's after six. The rates are cheaper.
19:27It would just make me feel worse.
19:29Well, don't think about you, Artie.
19:33Think about her.
19:39What's Sheila's number?
19:43I don't remember.
19:52Area code 604-226-2439.
19:58It's cheaper if you dial direct.
20:21Hello, Sheila.
20:23It's Artie.
20:25Artie.
20:27Your ex-husband.
20:30Yeah, to you too, Sheila.
20:31And have a crummy New Year.
20:35Is Linda there?
20:42Linda?
20:44It's Daddy.
20:48Oh, yeah.
20:51Nothing much.
20:52I just called to say, uh, Merry Christmas.
21:00And I love you.
21:07Hiya, Linda. This is Santa Claus.
21:10Yeah, really.
21:10Hey.
21:11Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
21:12Hey, was I good to you this year?
21:15Oh, no, Linda, honey.
21:17I'm...
21:18No, I'm sorry.
21:19I-I-I can't bring you that.
21:22Hey, listen.
21:23I'll tell you what we can do, though, Linda.
21:26We can take really good care of them for you.
21:28Okay?
21:29Hey.
21:35Here's your daddy back again.
21:39Hi, honey.
21:41Oh, yeah.
21:42I'm having a lovely day.
21:45What am I doing?
21:50I'm just spending Christmas with, uh, some friends.
Comments