- 17 hours ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you very much.
01:17Easy.
01:24I think it's safe.
01:42I think so.
01:44All right, should we take off our masks?
01:48Yeah, okay, on the count of three.
01:51One, two, three.
02:01It's safe.
02:02Okay.
02:05All right.
02:08Let's see.
02:09My bottle's ready?
02:11Yeah.
02:12Fake labels typed?
02:14Yeah, right here.
02:15And the gifts?
02:17Yes.
02:19As ready as the lover be.
02:22Okay.
02:24Let's do Christmas.
02:43Okay, Julie.
02:45Who's present is next?
02:46Um, Uncle Morty.
02:48Mmm.
02:49What do you want to call it?
02:51Cologne.
02:51No, we called it cologne last year.
02:54All right, change it to hair tonic.
02:57All right.
02:59What are you doing?
03:00Oh, we're making our traditional Christmas gifts.
03:02Yeah, you know, for all those, uh, relatives on your list that you don't really know or care
03:06about, but who just might leave you something in their will.
03:11This is for them.
03:12Yeah, it's sort of my version of eggnog.
03:14What you got?
03:15Got my eggnog.
03:19Somewhere in that, uh, spittoon you're carrying?
03:22Hey, give me a break.
03:23This is my first Christmas year since I left Chicago.
03:25And this is my way of bringing a touch home with me.
03:28So, come on, grab your glasses.
03:29Um, bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum.
03:35Da-da-da-da-da.
03:54Uh, before I drink this, this isn't the stuff that chased Steve McQueen in the blob, is it?
04:02Hey, this is part of my Christmas tradition.
04:05And from the looks of this place, you could use a little tradition.
04:08What are you talking about?
04:09Talking about this.
04:11That's our tree.
04:12Why is it silver?
04:14It's the way aluminum grows. It comes that way.
04:20Christmas trees don't just come. You gotta go find them.
04:24In Chicago, we'd go out, there'd be a nip in the air.
04:26That is, if we were lucky. Actually, it was freezing.
04:29And we'd bundle up and trek through the snow just to find the perfect tree.
04:34If you have any sense of tradition at all, you'd want a beautiful, live, green tree.
04:39Norman.
04:40I mean, not only is our tree beautiful, but it's very functional.
04:44I mean, you hook this puppy up to your TV, you get Channel 6 in San Diego.
04:49Uh, listen, Matt, we're running kind of low on this stuff.
04:51I'm gonna go get a refill from the bathtub.
04:56I don't know. It just doesn't seem like Christmas around this place.
05:00I mean, where's the mistletoe? Where are the chestnuts?
05:04Come in.
05:06Well, there's a jolly fat man. Does that make you happy?
05:10Ho, ho.
05:12I got your message. Now what do you want?
05:14Oh, you see, we have these, uh, Christmas cards to mail out.
05:18And I was wondering if you could help me.
05:26Thank you very much. I couldn't find a sponge.
05:29You know, harassing the building manager is grounds for eviction, Burton.
05:33By New Year's, I can have you living in a manhole.
05:35You'll be combing dead goldfish out of your hair.
05:38I was going to tell you, I was just kidding.
05:42Look, uh, here's a token of my appreciation.
05:46Oh, a safari shirt? Nice.
05:51What are these little holes under the arms for?
05:55Those are so the, uh, flies can shower.
06:01That's it, you're in a sewer.
06:03Oh, come on. This is Christmas time.
06:07Time for cheer.
06:09Look, here's a, here's your Christmas present.
06:12Is this that after-dinner liqueur you gave me last year?
06:16You know, I can't get this in stores.
06:19Hey, Mr. Donatelli, would you like some of Grandma Lamb's famous Christmas eggnog?
06:25Are you kidding? I wouldn't drink that crap.
06:29Christmas?
06:33By the way, uh, if you think so little of me that you were going to give me some of
06:38that, uh, I'd rather have nothing.
06:45Well, this is the last of it.
06:47This stuff is eating through the bath of the apple.
06:51Listen, uh, do me a favor and tell your mom I'll be a little late tonight.
06:54There's only one week left to Christmas. I want to get my shopping done.
06:57Well, listen, Norman, when it, uh, comes to the Burton family, I can save you a little time.
07:01I like cash.
07:03Oh, yeah, Mom wants a watch.
07:06Oh, and hey, if you're going to Bullock's, there's this great sweater at the Young Attitude Department.
07:11The sales lady's holding it under my name, and anyone can pay for it.
07:14But if you feel you have to spend more than...
07:17Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is it with you people?
07:19Christmas is a time of gift-giving, not filling orders.
07:23I mean, if you know what you're getting, there's no fun in opening your presents.
07:26What's, uh, doesn't anybody have a Christmas spirit?
07:30Hello?
07:31Hello?
07:32Oh, isn't this beautiful?
07:36You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get it.
07:38It was the last one.
07:39I had to knock down an old lady who wanted it bad.
07:46Now, doesn't that just say Christmas?
07:50Norman, why are you wearing a muffler?
07:52Oh, you see, Mom, if it, uh, drops below the 70s, Norman's knees start to knock.
07:59Anything we can do to help you warm up?
08:01Sure, why don't you just throw another log under the poster?
08:05Come on, everybody, let's get some Christmas spirit.
08:07That's exactly what I was talking about, Ali.
08:09Now, isn't it more fun to open your presents when you don't know what you're getting?
08:12Of course.
08:13And, Norman, whatever you get me will be wonderful.
08:16Oh, now, you see, that's the spirit of Christmas.
08:20I think I'll go prepare a Christmas guacamole.
08:23Oh, and kids, uh, there's a really good movie on the San Diego channel.
08:27Why don't you hook up the tree?
08:33Hi, Mr. Laird.
08:34Hi, Eli.
08:35I brought you your Christmas present.
08:37Usually I wait until Christmas Eve, but we're going to my grandmother's this year.
08:40Ooh, where does she live?
08:42Eh, over the river and through the woods.
08:45Sort of a combination retirement village, minimum security prison.
08:51Sounds like fun.
08:52Yeah, she got a part in the Christmas pageant.
08:54She's going to be wise prisoner number three.
08:58You must be very proud.
08:59Who wouldn't be?
09:01Anyhow, Merry Christmas.
09:05It's a ham.
09:08Perfect.
09:09That'll go great with that rasher of bacon you got me for the Fourth of July.
09:13Our family believes that when you care enough, say it with pork products.
09:19That's nice.
09:21How can I ever thank you?
09:23Can I have a ham sandwich?
09:29Mr. Lamb, this is a nice apartment.
09:33This is nice furniture.
09:35That's a great muffler.
09:37Oh, thank you, Eli.
09:39Now that you owe me a favor, do you think you can help me with a personal problem?
09:42No.
09:44See, I spent all my money on other people's presents and I forgot all about my dad.
09:48How could you forget about your dad?
09:50Well, I used my address book to make up my Christmas list.
09:54Well, he's not in there because I know where he lives.
09:59Well, uh, what'd you get your mother?
10:02Oh, no.
10:04Oh, my mother.
10:05This is terrible.
10:09Say, Eli, you know what you could do?
10:11You could make your own Christmas presents.
10:15Hey, that's a good idea.
10:16Hmm?
10:17But don't you think I'll look cheap?
10:21No, money doesn't matter.
10:23It's not how much you spend, it's how much you care.
10:25Your presents will be the best ones under the tree because you made them.
10:28When I was a kid, we had a family tradition that we made a lot of our own presents.
10:33And, uh, those were the gifts we treasured most of all.
10:36Well, like, what'd you get?
10:38I don't remember.
10:39The stuff wasn't that great.
10:42But I never forgot the sentiment.
10:44Or the people I loved for it.
10:47Thanks, Mr. Lamb.
10:48You're welcome.
10:49And you know something, Eli?
10:51I think I'm going to follow my own advice.
10:53I was going to go shopping tonight, but I've changed my mind.
10:56I am going to make presents for everyone on my list.
11:00Now, let's celebrate.
11:01How about some eggnog?
11:04I thought you liked me.
11:08You made her a present, Norman?
11:13Well, listen, I hope it's a baseball bat,
11:15because after she opens it, she'll be looking for something to hit you with.
11:20Don't worry.
11:21I wrote her a poem, and she is going to love it,
11:24because your mother is just as sentimental as I am.
11:27Here we go.
11:30Oh, Norman, I can't think of a better present than having you here with us.
11:38The night's young.
11:44Oh, great!
11:48Parallers!
11:48Now, this is part of the magic of Christmas.
11:53Look!
11:53It's the eggnog man!
12:05Don't feel bad, Norman.
12:06Children just don't know how to hide their feelings.
12:10Come and enjoy a traditional Burton family Christmas.
12:13Come on, everybody.
12:14Let's open our presents.
12:17You open your presents on Christmas Eve?
12:20What do you do on Christmas Day?
12:22We go bowling.
12:27Come on, let's open our presents.
12:28Wait a minute, wait a minute.
12:29Norman, since you're our guest, would you like to open your presents first?
12:34Well, actually, Eileen,
12:36I'd like you to open your present for me first.
12:38Well, I was going to save that for last, but obviously you're pretty proud of it.
12:43Okay.
12:46Merry Christmas, Eileen.
12:50Merry Christmas, Eileen.
12:55Oh, this is the time for giving, and time is the gift I give.
13:02Time to praise your gentle spirit.
13:05Time to note your giving heart.
13:07Time to thank your love and laughter and for making me a part of your joyous living and your treasured,
13:14measured time.
13:17Oh, Norman, I love it.
13:21What a fabulous card.
13:23Did you write that yourself?
13:25Yes.
13:28It's beautiful, really.
13:38Where's the present?
13:43That's it.
13:44That's your present.
13:46Go ahead, Mom.
13:47Put it on.
13:49Matthew, he's teasing, really.
13:51I love it.
13:51It's beautiful, really.
13:53You don't like it.
13:55Are you kidding?
13:55It's the nicest gift I've opened tonight.
13:58It's the only gift you've opened tonight.
14:00I meant that, Dad, it's much better than a real gift.
14:05I mean...
14:06I know what you mean.
14:10You know, I thought it would be so much more meaningful if I gave you something that you couldn't get
14:14yourself.
14:15Doesn't anybody understand?
14:18I am trying to share the spirit of Christmas with you, a traditional Christmas, not tin trees and paper mantles.
14:27I mean, look, anyone can spend money.
14:30That's not Christmas.
14:31I spent my time.
14:34Wait a minute.
14:35Are you saying that I don't care about you or my children because I bought presents?
14:39And as for time, I spent plenty of time, as well as more money than I could afford just to
14:44make this a happy Christmas.
14:46By reserving an alley?
14:47That's what we do.
14:48That's not Christmas.
14:49No, it's our Christmas.
14:49Well, it's not mine.
14:50Good.
14:50Well, why don't you go celebrate your Christmas and let the rest of us be happy?
14:54Fine.
15:03I'm dreaming of a white...
15:09Bye-bye.
15:44Oh, Tannenbaum, oh, Tannenbaum.
15:49La, la, la, la, oh, Tannenbaum.
15:55Let it snow, let it snow.
16:03I miss snow.
16:10Ba-do-ba-do-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.
16:13Walking in a rental wonderland.
16:15Da-da-da-da-da-da.
16:15Yeah!
16:17Now this is Christmas.
16:19Oh, my goodness.
16:49Marlene, you don't know what you're missing.
16:50This is fun.
17:21We three kings of all...
17:27Hey.
17:29Wise man number two.
17:35I hope Eli's grandmother gets to play me in the prison play.
17:39Let's go find the baby.
17:41Okay.
17:45Well, here's the end. You got the money?
17:48No, I got the myrrh.
17:50Oh, great. We're going to be known throughout history as the two wise men and the idiot who brought myrrh.
17:56Whoa, we're having some fun now.
18:02Poor Mom.
18:05You know, Matthew, I really don't get it.
18:07Mom and Norman fighting is what you've always wanted.
18:11I figure you'd be happy.
18:13No, Julie.
18:15What would make me happy is Mom throwing Norman into a flaming pit.
18:20And then an incredibly rich man coming up to her and say,
18:23I saw you throw that guy into the pit.
18:27You're my kind of woman.
18:30That would make my Christmas, not having Mom unhappy.
18:33Oh, I know. She's going to be such a drag at the alley tomorrow.
18:38No one should be unhappy around Christmas time.
18:42And I'm going to make sure Mom's not.
18:54Oh, please, text Christmas. Go on.
19:04Sorry if it's boring over here.
19:05I was watching television, but I was picking up interference from your tree.
19:10You know, Norman, I know you feel Christmas is a time to share our true feelings with each other.
19:16So I'm going to share mine with you.
19:18You're a bucket of ooze.
19:22A whole bucket?
19:24Why, thank you, Matthew. You've made my Christmas complete.
19:28We've certainly made ours complete.
19:30I mean, after 14 years of happiness without you,
19:34this is the worst Christmas we've ever had.
19:36Norman, you made my mother miserable.
19:38Whoa, whoa, whoa!
19:39Wait a second!
19:42You're accusing me of making someone miserable?
19:46Aren't you the kid who had my mail forwarded to Iceland?
19:51Wasn't it you who reported me as an illegal alien?
19:55Weren't you the one who put an ad in the paper with my address saying kittens wanted?
20:02And you're going to give me a lecture on how to behave?
20:06Who better?
20:08Look, Norman, let's face it.
20:10You overreacted.
20:11I mean, there's nothing wrong with having a traditional Christmas.
20:14But the one Christmas tradition that you forgot
20:16was not to make the people that you love miserable.
20:20Look, I was wrong.
20:22Don't you think I know I was wrong?
20:26But it seems like all you ever wanted out of life
20:28was to see your mother and me fight.
20:30Why the sudden change?
20:33Well, because I want my mother to be happy.
20:36If you're happy in the process, that makes me ill.
20:38But I want my mom to be happy.
20:44Look, I'd love to go over there.
20:45I just don't know whether I should.
20:46It's too late to get your mother another present.
20:49You know, something she wants.
20:51I kind of knew that a homemade poem thing
20:53would blow up in your face.
20:55Any other day, it would have been a riot.
20:57But not on Christmas Eve.
20:59So here.
21:01Give her this.
21:02This is what she wants.
21:04Merry Christmas, Norman.
21:11Merry Christmas.
21:13What do I owe you?
21:16Eternal gratitude.
21:19No, I was hoping to get off cheaper than that.
21:21I'll write your check.
21:22Oh, Norman, come on.
21:25I wouldn't take your check.
21:27No one in this town will take your check.
21:33And so I dozed off for a while,
21:35and then I woke to the sound of sleigh bells.
21:39Well, Santa left this,
21:42but I think he dropped it off at the wrong house.
21:47Norman, you didn't have to do this.
21:49Norman, come on.
21:49Open it.
21:49Open it.
21:54Dear Eileen,
21:56thank you for helping me understand
21:58the true meaning of Christmas.
22:00It doesn't matter what your traditions are
22:02as long as you're with the people you love.
22:05I'm sorry I was such a fool.
22:09An idiot.
22:12A jerk.
22:15A membrane.
22:18Please find it in your heart to forgive me.
22:22Love, Norman.
22:24Oh, of course I forgive you.
22:28It means a lot to me.
22:36Hey, I didn't lie.
22:37That's what she wanted.
22:45Okay, here on KNLA,
22:48we're going to have a real Southern California Christmas.
22:51We're going to look up a name in the phone book,
22:54call that person,
22:55and if he or she can identify this next song,
22:58we'll give them $5,000.
23:01Okay, the person is
23:04Norman Lamb of Van Nuys, California.
23:06Let's see if he can name this song.
23:09We're going to give them a call.
23:28We're going to have a real favorite song.
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