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00:01You know, honey, coming back to the old neighborhood brings back a lot of memories.
00:04I remember when I was about nine years old, this big bully, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, would
00:07pick on me every day.
00:09Oh, honey.
00:10I told my father, and he said, son, a bully's nothing but a coward.
00:15You go up to him tomorrow, and you tell him he's a coward, and I guarantee he'll never
00:18pick on you again.
00:19Good for him.
00:21Next day, I went up to Tommy, and I said, look, my father explained to me, you're a coward,
00:26so if you don't bother me anymore, I won't tell anybody you're a coward.
00:30You know what he did?
00:32No.
00:33What did he do?
00:34Got on his bike, rode away, went to my house, and beat up my father.
00:46Welcome back.
00:49Your dreams were your ticket out.
00:53Welcome back.
00:55To that same old place that you laughed about.
00:59Well, the names have all changed since you hung around.
01:04But those dreams have remained, and they've turned around.
01:09Who'd have thought they'd need ya?
01:11Who'd have thought they'd need ya?
01:13Yeah, where we need ya.
01:15Yeah, where we need ya.
01:17Yeah, we tease him a lot, cause we got him on the spot.
01:21Welcome back.
01:22Welcome back.
01:24Welcome back.
01:26Welcome back.
01:27Welcome back.
01:30Welcome back.
01:30Welcome back.
01:33Welcome back.
01:33Welcome back.
01:37Welcome back.
01:43Welcome back.
01:47Welcome back.
01:49Welcome back.
01:51Welcome back.
01:52Welcome back.
01:56Come on. It's time to get up for school.
02:00There's a test today. I don't want to go to school today.
02:08Honey, you're a teacher now.
02:10You don't have to take tests anymore.
02:13You give them.
02:14Oh, yeah.
02:24Oh, you're sore from playing ball yesterday, aren't you, honey?
02:29No, I'm not.
02:30Well, then what was that noise you just made?
02:33What noise?
02:36Oh!
02:39That noise.
02:40I have never heard you make that noise before.
02:43I don't believe it.
02:45That noise, that's my father's noise.
02:49That's the noise my father makes when he gets up in the morning.
02:52But he didn't start to make that noise until he was 40.
02:55I'm too young to be making my father's noise.
02:59Go on and take a hot bath, honey. You'll feel better.
03:02I always hated that noise.
03:04I couldn't stand it when he started to make that noise.
03:06But he was 40 before...
03:07Oh, my God.
03:09What's wrong?
03:10This is my father's walk.
03:29Hey, Vinny, if you see much...
03:32Shh, Warshat, the man is studying the best.
03:36Freddy, hey, Washington.
03:38Woo, fall back, baby, have no fear.
03:41Mr. Wonderful is here.
03:43You ready to take it?
03:45Hey, man, from now on, it's an easy life for me.
03:48I mean, I'm gonna be a star, and stars ain't got to do nothing but...
03:53Shoot, bastard.
03:56Freddy, you're gonna need to manage it, right?
03:58Hey, I'm way ahead of you, baby.
04:00All right, all right.
04:01Now, first, first, I negotiate your college scholarship, right?
04:04Right, right.
04:05And then after college, we sign a fat contract with the New York Times.
04:08Woo!
04:10Bonas, fringe benefits, commercials.
04:13Hey, are you ready for that?
04:15Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm ready for that.
04:17All right, let's do one.
04:18Yeah, I got commercials.
04:22Okay, Freddy, you're on.
04:29Hi there.
04:32I'm just sitting here in my palatial 5th Avenue mansion, about to have another generous helping of my famous Fast
04:38Freddy's, French Fried Chicken Fingers.
04:50Oh, and groupies, they'll be crawling all over you.
04:53Yeah, yeah, I never thought about groupies, huh? Maybe I should try out for the team, huh?
04:57Hey, Epstein, eat your shot.
04:58Oh, yeah?
04:59Yeah, I'll lie about my height, eh, most of them.
05:05What is this, the, uh, Flying Wallenders?
05:07Hey.
05:12Okay, as you know, we are having an exam today.
05:17Which explains this green bucket over here in my right hand.
05:21Epstein and Barbarino, please roll up your sleeves.
05:23What for?
05:24Hey, come on, it's against the Constitution.
05:26What, do you think this is democracy here?
05:29Hey, good boy, Epstein.
05:31Look, there's nothing, nothing.
05:33How about this one?
05:34What?
05:35This one.
05:36Where?
05:36Under there, roll it up.
05:38What, this?
05:39Let's see, come on.
05:42First Constitutional Congress in Philadelphia, Declaration of Independence, 1776, Benjamin Franklin Electricity, Evelyn 434-1590.
06:00Wait a minute, wait a minute.
06:03Leave Evelyn's phone number.
06:06Okay, now if the information is in our heads, and only in our heads, Arnold, please distribute the exam.
06:12Oh, sure, Mr. Cotter.
06:15Arnold.
06:18Where are you going?
06:19I'm going to distribute the test.
06:22Distribute them in here, Arnold.
06:24Oh.
06:28Well, Mr. Cotter, you did not say that.
06:31You see, I feel that the English language is a very precise tool.
06:41And you really ought to learn how to use it.
06:46Distribute the test.
06:47Okay.
06:51Okay, now keep them turned over.
06:55Until I tell you to begin.
06:56Hey, Freddy's got some great news, Mr. Cotter.
06:58I'm going to tell him.
06:59Oh, yeah, Mr. Cotter.
07:00I made the basketball team.
07:02First of spring.
07:08Congratulations, Freddy.
07:09What are you going to play?
07:09Forward?
07:10No.
07:11Star.
07:14You know, I was a pretty fair basketball player when I went to school here.
07:19You?
07:25Why is that so hard to believe?
07:28It's your body.
07:31My body?
07:32What's wrong with my body?
07:33I am in perfect physical condition.
07:35It's just not a basketball body.
07:37Now, look.
07:38Hey, Freddy, stand up.
07:40Now, this.
07:41This is a basketball body.
07:42This is a body for running.
07:44And for jumping.
07:45And this.
07:47This is a body for sitting.
07:49And spreading.
07:52It's simple.
07:54It's a basketball.
07:55Basketball.
07:56Basket case.
08:00Okay, let's put the stall in.
08:01We got a test to take today.
08:03And I really hope you've all prepared.
08:04Mr. Cotter.
08:06I got a medical note.
08:09Epstein has got another note.
08:11Surprise, surprise.
08:12Okay, Epstein, let's see this one.
08:18Epstein.
08:19Is there something wrong with your arm?
08:21Yeah, could you get the note for me?
08:23Certainly.
08:27Dear Mr. Cotter,
08:29Juan will not be able to write today's exam
08:33because of his brusitis
08:38signed Epstein's mother.
08:47Epstein, did you write this note?
08:49Oh, no, no, no.
08:50Uh, yeah.
08:53I had to write it for my mother
08:54because her brusitis is a lot worse than mine.
08:59Sit down.
09:02Hey, you got a minute left.
09:03Come on.
09:27Washington, what are you doing?
09:29Why are you drawing pictures on your paper?
09:31Who is this?
09:32Hey.
09:33That's super still, man.
09:35Faster than the speeding forward.
09:37More powerful than a double layup.
09:41You're taking the wrong exam.
09:42Do I look like Miss Fishbeck, the art teacher?
09:44Only around the mustache.
09:51I leave your test on my desk.
09:53Washington, I want to see you.
09:55Oh, man.
09:57Mr. Cotter,
09:58what do you have something for?
10:00You don't have to write that exam.
10:02He's on the team.
10:03It means he passes.
10:04It's a fact of life.
10:05Fish, you gotta swim.
10:06Birds, you gotta fly.
10:07A varsity athlete's gotta pass.
10:10It's a Buchanan tradition.
10:11Well, you know that I just love to break traditions.
10:13Aw, man, look.
10:14Athletes gotta pass or they don't play.
10:16They used to be with his quarterback, Moose Nolan.
10:18He had to write an essay on his favorite fictional character.
10:20Handed in seven blank pages.
10:23Well, maybe his favorite fictional character was the invisible man.
10:26Well, he passed because he was on the team.
10:29That's the way it is, Mr. Cotter.
10:31That's the way it was, Mr. Barbarino.
10:34Nobody passes in my class unless they earn it.
10:36Hey, Freddy, come back after you'll air's clear.
10:38She'll take a makeup test.
10:39Nah, no deal.
10:41Let's go.
10:44You're not gonna come back, Freddy?
10:45No, I'm not coming back.
10:47You used to play basketball, didn't you?
10:49That's right.
10:50Why have you changed?
10:56I haven't changed.
10:57And I can still play basketball.
10:59Here comes Cotter, dribbling down court.
11:01He's gonna have his famous behind-the-back hook shot.
11:03There it goes.
11:15Cotter, you know, we're surprised that you would give an unfair test
11:20that a bright boy like Washington couldn't pass.
11:24What are you talking about, unfair?
11:26Well, let's look at the test.
11:28Here, number three.
11:31When was the Declaration of Independence signed?
11:36That's a trick question.
11:39What are you talking about?
11:41The answer's 1776.
11:42Cotter, I don't know if you've noticed, but, uh...
11:47I'm not a happy person.
11:51Now, uh, a winning team might make me happier.
11:55Not happy, but happier.
11:58Come on, Ace.
11:59Where's your school spirit?
12:00We can't win this season without Washington.
12:03Look, Freddy Washington is more important to me
12:06than a winning basketball season.
12:08And I'm not gonna do him any good by giving him a free ride.
12:11You're right.
12:11He's a bright kid, and he could have passed.
12:13The thing is, he didn't even try.
12:15Somewhere, from someone,
12:18he got the idea that being on the team is an automatic pass.
12:24Well, uh, now, uh...
12:29You said yourself, Cotter, you said he, uh, he could have passed.
12:32That's right.
12:33Why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt?
12:35For the team, chicky baby.
12:39For Buchanan.
12:41For my job.
12:45I have finished grading your exams,
12:47and as usual, it was an amazing experience.
12:53How did Washington do?
12:55Well, Freddy didn't pass,
12:57but he did make the bulletin board.
13:02Okay, moving right along.
13:04Loris.
13:06Ralph.
13:08Vinny.
13:10Epstein.
13:11You got 65.
13:13You actually got 63,
13:14but I gave you two points
13:15for working under the influence of Brasadis.
13:22You passed, Juan.
13:24Come on, SF Epstein.
13:27Hey, what is this?
13:28All quiet on a homeroom front?
13:30A very pleasant change
13:32from the usual mouth-to-mouth combat we have here.
13:36Hey, you know it's bugging us.
13:37If you want conversation,
13:39we'll talk your ear off.
13:40All you gotta do is pass Freddy.
13:41Yeah.
13:42Yeah.
13:42No.
13:43Why not?
13:45First of all,
13:45it wouldn't be fair to the rest of you.
13:47Why should Freddy get special treatment?
13:49Because he is special.
13:50He's gonna be the school's ace basketball player.
13:53No more special than you, Epstein.
13:54You're the school's ace menace to society.
13:58Ha!
13:58Ha!
13:59Ha!
13:59Ha!
13:59Ha!
13:59Ha!
13:59Ha!
13:59Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore.
14:01Wait a minute, wait a minute.
14:03I, I got something to say.
14:04Now,
14:05I didn't want to resort to this, Mr. Cotter,
14:08but you leave me no choice.
14:10Let's talk money.
14:17Barbarino,
14:18are you offering me a bribe?
14:21No.
14:22I'm offering you a percentage of my percentage.
14:25Now, look,
14:26my client here's gonna be a million-dollar property.
14:28You are offering me a bribe?
14:30No.
14:31What?
14:32I'm trying,
14:33I'm trying to say it's like
14:34incentive,
14:36creative motivation.
14:37It's bribery, Barbarino.
14:39So is bribery!
14:41Look,
14:42what I'm trying to say is
14:43you scratch my back,
14:44I scratch yours.
14:47You can't do that.
14:48You see,
14:48my wife has an exclusive
14:50on my entire body.
14:53She'd be disturbed
14:54if I came home tonight
14:55with a pre-scratched back.
14:59Is that your final answer?
15:01Sorry.
15:02You're a crummy businessman,
15:04Mr. Cotter.
15:04Crummy.
15:05Perfect.
15:09You didn't get your test figured out.
15:13What's your angle,
15:14Mr. Cotter?
15:15I don't have an angle,
15:16Freddie.
15:16I happen to think
15:17that your education
15:18is more important
15:19than basketball.
15:20No, man,
15:20look, man,
15:20my whole future's right.
15:21Now, listen,
15:22you're blowing everything for me, man.
15:23A chance at a scholarship,
15:25I don't know,
15:25the pros,
15:26rookie of the year.
15:26I mean,
15:27I don't need no education
15:28for that, man.
15:29What makes you so sure
15:30you're gonna make the pros?
15:32You know,
15:32you remind me a lot
15:33of Joe Franklin.
15:34Oh, wow, man,
15:34I don't know no
15:35Joe Franklin, dude.
15:36You never heard of Joe Franklin?
15:37Joe Franklin,
15:38He was a sweat hog.
15:39Sat right over here
15:40ten years ago.
15:41Another big basketball player.
15:49My name is Joe Franklin, baby.
15:52I got me a college scholarship.
15:54Fixed me up
15:55a lot of easy classes.
15:57Hair combing 101.
16:00Advanced toenail clipping.
16:04But he never graduated
16:05from college,
16:06and he didn't make
16:07the pros either.
16:08So he wound up
16:08with no basketball career,
16:10no education,
16:11no nothing.
16:13So what happened to him?
16:17His father died
16:18and left him
16:18a chain of laundromats.
16:22Today's worth
16:23about six million dollars.
16:29But he's still stupid.
16:32I don't care
16:33about no Joe Franklin.
16:35Do you understand me?
16:35I just know me,
16:36and this is one cat
16:37that ain't gonna stop hacking.
16:38Do you get what I'm saying?
16:38Because I'm good.
16:40I'm good.
16:41Face it, Washington.
16:42You're not that good.
16:44There are guys
16:45right here in Buchanan
16:46who are better than you.
16:47Like who?
16:48Who?
16:48Who?
16:49Who?
16:49Who?
16:50Who?
16:50Me.
16:51You?
16:53Hey, man,
16:54you better stay away
16:54from that blackboard.
16:55I think you must have
16:55sniffed too much
16:56of that chalk dust.
16:59Hey, I'm serious, Freddy.
17:00Basketball's my game,
17:01and I'm challenging you.
17:03One-on-one.
17:04Just you,
17:04me,
17:05and the basketball.
17:05Hey, Mr. Cotter,
17:07I mean,
17:07you out of shape, man.
17:08Dig yourself, man.
17:09If you was a building,
17:11you'd be condemned.
17:153.15 today,
17:1620-point game.
17:18Okay, Mr. Kamikaze.
17:21Why don't you put your money
17:23where your mouth is?
17:2420 bucks say I win.
17:25Hey, you know
17:26I'm not gonna play you
17:27for money.
17:29Hey,
17:30I'll tell you
17:30what I'm gonna do.
17:34If I win,
17:35you take the makeup test.
17:36And if I win,
17:38you pass me.
17:40I can't do that.
17:41Hey,
17:42you can do anything, man.
17:43You're the teacher.
17:47You gotta bet.
17:49Okay.
17:50Take it easy, Tiger.
17:52Get your head back
17:53and be all right to me.
17:55Boy!
17:59What's that noise, Cotter?
18:00Nina.
18:02Boy!
18:04That's the what?
18:05It's my father's noise.
18:08Your father's noise?
18:10That's your father's noise.
18:14I think he's delirious.
18:17I hope the school's insurance
18:19covers this.
18:21Cheeky baby,
18:22as the physical education teacher,
18:24can I give you
18:25my professional advice?
18:27You don't look so hot.
18:30What were you trying to prove
18:31out there, Cotter?
18:32Nothing, nothing.
18:34Freddie and I
18:34were just having
18:35a little friendly
18:36basketball game.
18:37To the death.
18:40Anyway,
18:42he's on the team.
18:43I'm passing him.
18:43You are?
18:44You what?
18:48Hey, Coach,
18:49Mr. Cotter here?
18:50Yes, he's on the couch
18:51lying in state.
18:52Hey.
18:55Hey, you mind
18:56if I talk to him
18:56alone for a minute?
18:58Not at all,
18:59but you better hurry.
19:00I don't think
19:00he has much more time.
19:08Hi there.
19:10Least you could do
19:11is sweat.
19:15I did.
19:17Hey, look,
19:17I'm ready to take
19:18that makeup test
19:19if you still want me to.
19:21Hey, I'm no Welsher.
19:23You win.
19:24You beat me 20 to 16.
19:25You pass.
19:26Nah, man,
19:26that was no beating, man.
19:27You score 16 points
19:28off of me.
19:29I mean, you.
19:29I mean,
19:30you're almost twice
19:31my age, man.
19:33I mean,
19:33you're old enough
19:34to be my...
19:35Older cousin.
19:39Look,
19:39I've been thinking.
19:41Maybe I don't have
19:42that contract
19:42all sewn up
19:43with the Knicks yet,
19:44but I just think
19:45I better be covering
19:46all my bases.
19:47I think that's
19:47a smart move, Freddie.
19:49You know, man,
19:50you something else.
19:51I mean,
19:52you really surprised me
19:53down there today.
19:54Yeah.
19:55Yeah, you still
19:55play pretty good.
19:56You still got it.
19:59Yeah, I got it.
20:03But I can't get it
20:04off the couch.
20:06Give me a hand.
20:08Sure.
20:10Boy!
20:12What is that sound, man?
20:14My father makes
20:14that sound, too.
20:17I mean, uh...
20:18Boy!
20:21Does your father
20:22walk like this
20:23in the morning?
20:24No, my father
20:25walks like this
20:26in the morning.
20:36How do you like
20:37my new hat?
20:39I like it.
20:40I like you in hats.
20:42Thanks.
20:45Honey.
20:47How come you
20:47never wear hats?
20:49When I was young,
20:50I always thought
20:51my head was too big.
20:54Too big for what?
20:56For the rest of my body.
20:58All the kids in school
20:59called me big head.
21:02Terrible.
21:03One day,
21:04I came home crying.
21:05I told my mother,
21:05everybody in school
21:06has called me big head,
21:07big head, big head.
21:07What should I do?
21:08She said,
21:09don't pay any attention
21:10to those mean children.
21:11And to get my mind off
21:12that she sent me
21:12to the store.
21:13Well, that was a good idea.
21:14Yeah.
21:15She said,
21:15get a watermelon,
21:16a dozen eggs,
21:17a loaf of bread,
21:17container of milk.
21:19I said,
21:19Mom, what am I
21:19going to carry that in?
21:21She said,
21:21why don't you
21:21use your hat?
21:39Okay, I admit it.
21:41I'm just no good at sports.
21:43Now my family wants me
21:44to play on their curling team
21:45in the big fall barnsville.
21:47Is curling really a sport?
21:49Make it CBC and you
21:51and me,
21:52Max Flick,
21:53Monday.
21:55IMAX,
21:56the incredible
21:56giant projection screen system
21:58in the four Canadians
21:59who developed this.
22:00Tomorrow at 9,
22:019.30 in Newfoundland
22:03on The Nature of Things.
22:17Welcome Back.
22:19It was recorded live on tape
22:20before a studio audience.
22:22Welcome Back.
22:23Welcome Back.
22:24Yeah, we tease him a lot.
22:26Welcome Back.
22:27Welcome Back.
22:28Cause we got him on the spot.
22:30Welcome Back.
22:32Welcome Back.
22:32Yeah, we tease him a lot.
22:35Cause we got him on the spot.
22:37Welcome Back.
22:38Welcome Back.
22:38Welcome Back.
22:38Welcome Back.
22:38Welcome Back.
22:38Welcome Back.
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