- 17 hours ago
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00:01Hey Julie!
00:02What, Gabe?
00:04Did I hear a tape about my Uncle Arnold?
00:05Wasn't he the one who needed a hearing aid?
00:07No, no, no. He was the one who needed a hearing aid.
00:10Like one of his relatives, I know.
00:14Yeah, well, anyway, my Uncle Arnold buys this expensive hearing aid.
00:17And he's showing it to his friend, Saul.
00:19He says, Saul, this is the greatest hearing aid on the market.
00:22Boy, can you hear things with this hearing aid?
00:23It's terrific. A wonderful invention, this hearing aid.
00:26His friend, Saul, says, what kind is it?
00:28My Uncle says, it's a quarter to three.
00:42Welcome back
00:45Your dreams were your ticket out
00:48Welcome back
00:51To that same old place that you laughed about
00:56Well, the names have all changed since you hung around
01:00But those dreams have remained and they've turned around
01:05Who'd have thought they'd need ya?
01:08Who'd have thought they'd need ya?
01:10Back here where we need ya?
01:12Back here where we need ya?
01:14Yeah, we tease him a lot
01:15Cause we got him on the spot
01:17Welcome back
01:19Welcome back
01:21Welcome back
01:22Welcome back
01:23Welcome back
01:49Uh-oh.
01:50What?
01:51I think I put him a little too close to the heater.
01:56Oh, honey.
01:57The three wise men all melted together.
02:03Yeah, well, just think of him now as, uh, one wise blob.
02:09On Hanukkah, I didn't melt your menorah, Gabe.
02:14Oh, come on, honey.
02:16This is the first Christmas Eve when we've all been together.
02:19Just you, me, the babies, and the door.
02:31It's supposed to be Christmas Eve.
02:32Not even a creature's supposed to be stirring.
02:40You're not going to believe what's coming in the door.
02:43Ho, ho, ho, ho!
02:45Ho, ho, ho!
02:46Ho!
02:47Merry Christmas and a bad New Year.
02:54I'm Arnold, the littlest reindeer,
02:57and I am here to spread some seasonal cheer.
03:03What?
03:04Pulling that sled up them stairs, that's murder.
03:07I don't know how Santa Claus does it.
03:09Well, that's why Hanukkah's better holiday, you know?
03:13At least you get eight days for delivery.
03:16Yeah.
03:17Well, I'm tired of being Bambi.
03:20I'm going to be Santa Claus now.
03:21All right, Vinny.
03:23You can be Santa right after you stop off at my house.
03:26And remember, ain't everybody dreaming of a white Christmas?
03:31You know, guys, it's times like this, Christmas.
03:34We're all together, and just thinking about it,
03:38I realize how close we've all gotten
03:40and how much we all mean to each other.
03:43Hey, Horseshack, big news flash.
03:47You're short.
03:49You too, Munchkin.
03:51Ha!
03:53The whole room is short.
03:56I did.
03:59When I'm in that classroom,
04:01I think of myself as a missionary among savages in New Guinea.
04:05Come on, guess who's coming to dinner.
04:09Okay.
04:10What are you cooking?
04:11My world-famous tuna casserole.
04:14It's nobody that we ever want to see again.
04:19Vinny, this report got soggy.
04:20My mother cried on it.
04:24Hi there.
04:26Hi there, buddy.
04:27Hey, Vinny.
04:28Where's your report card?
04:29Oh, my report card.
04:30Well, you see, I don't happen to have it right here handy.
04:34You know, Horseshack's a very old and respected name.
04:39It means the cattle are dying.
04:45Have you bitten anybody lately?
04:47Oh, you know how it is in China, boss.
04:49You bite somebody, two hours later, you want to bite them again.
04:52Ah, hey, that's pretty good.
04:54They do a lot of pretending in that class.
04:59They pretend to be students.
05:00He pretends to be a teacher.
05:03You love my tuna casserole.
05:06No, you love your tuna casserole.
05:10Nobody puts prunes in a tuna casserole.
05:16You making fun of me?
05:18Whoa!
05:20Listen, I got something to tell you.
05:22Your sister, Juan, your sister.
05:24Oh, yeah?
05:24Forget my sister.
05:26Your mother.
05:29Not my mother.
05:30That woman's a saint.
05:31Oh, yeah?
05:33The light around the head don't fool me.
05:37Hey, Vinnie!
05:40They tell me your mother!
05:42Oh, yeah!
05:45Hi, there.
05:50Yeah, hi, dear.
05:51Where's your notebook?
05:52My notebook?
05:53Well, I just don't happen to have it here handy.
05:58I am ready, Carter,
06:00to see you make a complete and utter fool of yourself.
06:04Mm-hmm.
06:08I tried something new with the tuna casserole.
06:11The hard things are coffee beans.
06:18Hey, Carter,
06:19up your nose with rubber hose.
06:22Up your nose with a rubber hose.
06:25Up your nose with a rubber hose.
06:27Why don't you take one end of a rubber hose
06:30and put it in your mouth?
06:31And then you take the other
06:33and you put it up your nose.
06:35And then you blow till your brains fall out.
06:38They can't be allowed to mingle with people.
06:43Take them to the zoo so they can see family.
06:51What do you guys got to eat?
06:52Here, Vinny.
06:54Why don't you have some of this nice fruit cake
06:56that my mother sent us?
06:57Oh, no, I couldn't eat that.
06:59No.
06:59I got stuck with my teeth.
07:01Yeah.
07:01That last time I ate it,
07:03I couldn't get it out for weeks.
07:05You got those cookies?
07:08They're kind of shaping the little Santa Claus's
07:09and little bells
07:10with the little candies on them,
07:12little candy buttons.
07:13Oh, they're delicious.
07:15Vinny, by now I would think you'd learn
07:16to settle for what we have.
07:18Remember what happened the last time
07:20you try to ask for something else?
07:23Strawberry tarts.
07:24You like strawberry tarts, Vinny?
07:27They're all right.
07:30Look, Julie, you know,
07:31when the sweaters have a problem,
07:33you know how that makes me...
07:34You got chocolate pudding?
07:36We don't have any chocolate pudding, do we, Julie?
07:38No, we don't have any.
07:39We don't have any chocolate pudding?
07:40No.
07:41They have a problem
07:41and they won't talk to each other.
07:43And if they won't talk to each other,
07:44I can't teach them anything.
07:44And if I can't teach them anything,
07:45I just get cranky.
07:46I know, honey.
07:47How about spumoni?
07:48You got spumoni?
07:51Do you have any ice cream?
07:52No.
07:53We have tarts, Vinny.
07:55Tarts.
07:56That's it.
07:58Look, I know that, honey,
08:00but when you keep making jokes
08:01about my tuna casserole...
08:03How about Danish?
08:03You got, like, cherry Danish,
08:04nice cherry Danish.
08:08Vinny, look,
08:09you want to have dessert,
08:09have a tart.
08:10If you don't want to have a tart,
08:11don't have anything.
08:12That's all we have, okay?
08:13It's tarts.
08:14Julie, when you say things
08:15about my jokes,
08:16you know how that makes me feel.
08:17It wouldn't have to be cherry.
08:18It could be, like, you know,
08:20prune or cheese.
08:22We could send out.
08:27You want to know
08:28what the biggest joke
08:29in this house is?
08:30What?
08:31Your tuna casserole.
08:31If you just wouldn't make
08:32tuna casserole anymore,
08:33I mean, I...
08:34Gabe,
08:35you want to know
08:35what I think
08:38about your Uncle Abdul...
08:50I don't believe you did that, Julie.
08:52Believe it.
08:56You want to know
08:57what I think
08:57about your family, Julie?
09:00I have something
09:01I'd like you to send
09:02back to Nebraska.
09:03Special delivery.
09:14How about espresso?
09:16You got some nice
09:17espresso?
09:18You got some nice
09:19My mother,
09:20my mother,
09:21she always gives
09:22espresso.
09:23Only the finest.
09:32Oh, very funny.
09:34Big joke, right?
09:35That almost got me killed.
09:37How?
09:38It was only a tart.
09:39Only a tart?
09:40Do you know...
09:41Do you have any idea
09:42what it's like
09:42to walk through Brooklyn
09:43in the middle of the night
09:44with whipped cream
09:45on your eyebrows?
09:47Yeah, you know,
09:48but Miss Katia Vinny's right, man.
09:50A person's got to be real careful
09:51when they walk in Brooklyn.
09:52I ain't lying to me.
09:53You never know
09:53what could happen to you.
09:54It's just like that time...
09:55Remember that time
09:56when I went on the other
09:57side of town
09:57and that rival gang
09:58come up on top of me?
10:01Where have you been, Freddie?
10:02Oh, wow, man.
10:03I had some trouble.
10:04Hey, you okay?
10:05Yeah, I'm right.
10:06Hey, man,
10:06those guys over at New Utrecht
10:07said I invaded Daterf.
10:09Did you?
10:10No, not exactly.
10:12Actually,
10:12I invaded Pearl Jackson.
10:17Unfortunately,
10:18she happens to live
10:19right in the middle
10:19of Daterf.
10:21But y'all don't worry.
10:22Old Boomerones
10:22how to take care of himself.
10:23See, man,
10:24I got surrounded
10:24by these seven
10:25big, bad New Utrecht cats,
10:26right, man?
10:27I mean,
10:27he was coming on me.
10:28Wait a second.
10:29There were seven of them?
10:31No, either there were
10:31seven or two.
10:32I don't know.
10:35Anyway,
10:36I looked them
10:36right in the eye
10:37and then I say,
10:39Hi there.
10:45They don't say nothing.
10:47They just look at me mean.
10:49So I holds my ground
10:50and I looked them
10:51straight back in the eye
10:52one more time
10:53and then I said to them,
10:55Bye, then.
11:00Hey, boy,
11:00you guys,
11:01you probably didn't know it
11:02at the time,
11:02but I was scared.
11:06Oh, come on.
11:07You're kidding.
11:07Yeah,
11:08you remember when
11:08those guys from New Utrecht
11:10really put the scare
11:11into Freddy?
11:11Yeah.
11:12He ran home.
11:15We almost got in
11:17the fisticuffs
11:17with Covelli
11:18and his gang.
11:23Looks like we don't
11:24have to go to the dance.
11:26Here's the
11:26entertainment committee.
11:28I didn't think
11:28they was gonna show up.
11:30All right.
11:31Who's the leader here?
11:42We heard you
11:43are sweat hogs.
11:45He's looking for us.
11:48So, uh,
11:49we thought we'd
11:49make ourselves
11:50easy to find.
11:59You got a disease?
12:04Was you looking
12:05for us?
12:07What?
12:12Was you
12:14looking
12:15for us?
12:18Where?
12:21I thought we
12:22was remedial.
12:24Hey, hey, hey.
12:25Enough of this
12:25lip service here.
12:26I came here
12:27for some action.
12:28Who's the first guy
12:29who wants to lose
12:29control of his face?
12:33Who do you call it?
12:34Who is this guy?
12:36Him?
12:37Who's our teacher?
12:46Is he a teacher?
12:49It's a tough school.
12:52All right.
12:53Let's go.
12:54No, wait.
12:55All right,
12:55there you can start.
12:56I don't like to watch
12:57him dismember people.
13:04That's the oldest punk
13:06I ever saw.
13:10You a senior?
13:14I'm the vice principal.
13:17Vice principal?
13:20This is a tough school.
13:24Hey, Mr. Carr,
13:25is it true that you
13:25was one of the
13:26toughest guys
13:26when you was in school?
13:28Well,
13:30I could hold my own.
13:31Yeah?
13:32Well,
13:32Frankie Brennan's brother
13:33told me that you
13:34was in a fight
13:34with one of the
13:35toughest guys in school.
13:36What happened?
13:39Hey, you know,
13:40it's a good time
13:41to open the presents.
13:45This one's for Epstein.
13:47There you go.
13:48Washington.
13:49There you are.
13:50I wonder what it is.
13:51Horse Shack.
13:52Oh, another one for
13:54listen,
13:54let's be lucky.
13:58Oh,
13:58thanks, fellas.
13:59A planter
14:00in the shape
14:01of a cow.
14:03Yeah,
14:03where do you water it?
14:04You're not gonna
14:05believe how it trains.
14:09Well,
14:10thanks a lot,
14:11Juan.
14:12That's the kind
14:12of presents I like.
14:13Things I would
14:14never buy for myself.
14:19Oh,
14:19look who it is.
14:20It's Santa fraud.
14:22I mean,
14:23Santa Claus.
14:24Ho, ho, ho,
14:25and a Merry Christmas.
14:28I'm sorry,
14:28Mr. Woodman,
14:29but you're a little late
14:30because Santa Claus,
14:31he's already here.
14:32Check him out.
14:33All right.
14:34Yeah,
14:34that's right,
14:35Mr. Woodman.
14:36Anyway,
14:37you look more
14:37like an elf.
14:39Oh, yeah?
14:41Hey, Barbarino,
14:42up your nose
14:44with some mistletoe.
14:46All right,
14:47come on.
14:48Cut it out.
14:49Remember what happened
14:50last time you guys
14:50had a fight?
14:51Ooh, yeah.
14:52Is this your locker,
14:54Barbarino?
14:55What?
14:58This locker,
14:59is this your locker?
15:01Where?
15:03What?
15:04Where?
15:05Barbarino,
15:06the only reason
15:07you've got a head
15:08is to separate
15:09your ears.
15:10Ooh.
15:11Ooh.
15:12Ooh.
15:14Separate?
15:15I think Mr. Woodman
15:17just ranked you.
15:17Well,
15:18can I rank him back
15:18without getting in trouble?
15:19Can I do that?
15:21I don't know.
15:22Can he do that?
15:23Sure.
15:24I used to be
15:25pretty good at this.
15:27Go ahead.
15:29Give me your best shot,
15:30clam breath.
15:36And I won't get
15:37in no trouble?
15:38No.
15:39You mean it?
15:40Sure,
15:41I mean it.
15:41Pepperoni puss.
15:46Well,
15:46listen,
15:47you snow-capped
15:48leprechaun.
15:52You look like
15:53somebody played
15:53Danny Boy
15:54in your face
15:55with an ugly stick.
15:58It's very funny,
16:00Barbarino.
16:01That's so funny
16:01you can stay
16:02after school
16:02for two weeks.
16:04Mr. Woodman,
16:07you told him
16:08that it was all right.
16:09Just cool it,
16:10Brillohead.
16:14Boy,
16:15you know,
16:15it's really dumb
16:15to fight.
16:17Who you calling dumb?
16:20Hey, Vinnie,
16:21come on.
16:22I didn't mean
16:22nothing by it.
16:24It's just
16:24very good advice.
16:26And after what
16:27I went through,
16:28I'm lucky I got
16:29a mouth to be
16:29able to say it.
16:33You don't scare
16:34us, Covelli.
16:35Any one of my boys
16:36here could make you
16:36feel like you've
16:37just been through
16:37a blender.
16:39Yeah.
16:40How would you like
16:41it if we frapped
16:42your face?
16:44I didn't hear
16:46that, Horshack.
16:47He asked if you
16:48liked your face
16:49frapped, Covelli.
16:51And Hunter.
16:52Hey, Covelli,
16:55I sure hope
16:56you ain't allergic
16:57to canvas
16:58because that's
16:59where you're
17:00going to be
17:00spending Friday.
17:02Face down!
17:05Are you threatening
17:06me, Horshack?
17:07This is getting
17:07out of line.
17:08He didn't mean it.
17:09Out of line, huh?
17:10The only thing
17:11that's going to be
17:11out of line
17:12is your spine.
17:19Your face
17:19is going to be
17:20so ugly,
17:23we're going to have
17:24to close it down
17:25on weekends.
17:28All right.
17:29All right.
17:31That's it,
17:31Horshack.
17:32I want you.
17:34Whoa!
17:34You are what he said.
17:37Me?
17:38Yeah, you!
17:38Mom!
17:39Me?
17:42What did I say?
17:45Hey, Arnold,
17:46you've got to be
17:46some kind of jerk
17:47to get in a fight
17:47with that guy,
17:48Covelli.
17:49I mean,
17:49he could have
17:49rearranged your face.
17:51Might have helped.
17:54Oh, is that so,
17:55little Juan?
17:56Well, let us not
17:57forget the time
17:58that you got beat up
17:59by Todd Ludlow
18:00and was afraid
18:00to face us.
18:01Well, I didn't get
18:02beat up.
18:03I just slipped.
18:04Oh, sure.
18:05Your head slipped
18:06into his fist
18:07about 10 or 20 times.
18:12Juan,
18:13this is Julie.
18:14I've got your
18:15flat soda for you.
18:18Pour it under the door.
18:21Juan, the only way
18:22you're going to get
18:22this soda
18:23is to get your
18:23tail out of there.
18:24Look,
18:25Mrs. Carter's out there
18:26and I don't feel
18:27like facing a woman.
18:28Don't worry, Juan.
18:29I'll lock myself
18:30in the bathroom.
18:32Okay, look,
18:32you've got to promise
18:33me one thing,
18:34Mr. Carter.
18:34I promise.
18:37What did I promise?
18:38That you don't
18:39look at me.
18:40Okay?
18:42I look at a lamp.
18:46Okay.
18:56Well, Epstein,
18:58nice to see you again.
18:59You lost a little weight,
19:00haven't you?
19:02Hey, Mr. Carter,
19:03the second rule
19:04after don't look at me
19:05is don't make fun of me.
19:07Epstein,
19:07if you didn't want me
19:08to look at you,
19:09then why did you come here?
19:10To say goodbye.
19:11I'm running away
19:12to join the circus.
19:16Don't you know...
19:17Don't look at me.
19:18Look at the lamp.
19:19Don't you know
19:21that the one thing
19:22you can't run away from
19:23is yourself?
19:24Because no matter
19:25where you go, lamp,
19:26you go with you.
19:29So why don't you
19:30go back to school?
19:32I can't.
19:34Epstein,
19:35can I please look at you?
19:36I can't get through
19:36to this lamp.
19:39Okay, but like,
19:41kind of like have no
19:41expression on your face.
19:52Epstein.
19:54Now, tell me why
19:56you can't go back.
20:00Because I'm a punk.
20:02My friends are right
20:03when they said it.
20:04I'm a punk.
20:05Uh, a child of the streets.
20:08A fly speck
20:10on the highway of life.
20:12Hey, nobody cares
20:13about me, man.
20:15Okay, then you tell me
20:16why those kids
20:17have been combing
20:17the city looking for you.
20:19They have not.
20:21They have.
20:23In their own way,
20:24of course.
20:26Hey, they care
20:27about you, Juan.
20:28We all care about you.
20:31And how come
20:32you didn't write?
20:36Well, Juan,
20:37you learned something
20:37important from that.
20:38I did?
20:41You learned that violence
20:42can't solve your problems.
20:43Yeah, remember the
20:45all-night sit-in at school?
20:46We got them to improve
20:48the food in the cafeteria
20:49through a peaceful demonstration.
20:52Hey, Horshak.
20:54Huh?
20:55Tell me something.
20:56You ever think about
20:57what God is like?
20:58Oh, yeah.
21:01I think he's short.
21:04And he has a marvelous
21:06sense of humor.
21:08And a great laugh.
21:10Hey, God can do anything.
21:15He can?
21:17She can.
21:21You know, I think God is, uh,
21:24he's kind of tough, you know?
21:25But he's fair.
21:27Sort of like, uh,
21:28like John Wayne
21:29in a white beard, you know?
21:31All right, pilgrims,
21:33move those clouds
21:35in our circle.
21:39Well, I got my own idea
21:40of what God is like.
21:42I know he's a sharp dresser.
21:45He's good looking.
21:47And, of course,
21:48he's Italian.
21:50Yeah?
21:51Well, if you ask me,
21:52all that stuff about harps
21:54is a lot of jive.
21:55God is backed up
21:56by a jazz rhythm section.
21:59He got a piano,
22:01a bass, a guitar,
22:01and a drummer
22:02with a good right foot.
22:05Well, I think
22:06that God is love.
22:08And if God were here,
22:09he would love
22:10my tuna casserole.
22:14Hey, Mr. Carter,
22:16what's your feelings
22:17on this subject?
22:18Well, I think that, uh,
22:22God is everywhere.
22:23Even in liver?
22:27He's everywhere.
22:29He's in Times Square,
22:31used to be in Ebbets Field,
22:33spent a lot of time
22:34in Ebbets Field.
22:36He's moonlighting in Vermont,
22:38autumn in New York,
22:39all the standards.
22:41He's everywhere.
22:43With the possible exception
22:45of Epstein's gym locker.
22:51You know, guys,
22:52all of us being here
22:53together Christmas Eve,
22:55it reminds me
22:56of a little story.
22:57You see, my uncle...
22:58A story?
22:59Gee, we really love
23:00to hear it,
23:01but we gotta go spread
23:03around a little Christmas
23:03cheer.
23:05I'd love to stay
23:07and hear your story,
23:08Carter,
23:08but I already give you
23:09a gift.
23:11Yeah, Mr. Cartier,
23:12we just got to split her
23:13before you know.
23:14Merry Christmas.
23:15Merry Christmas.
23:15Okay, how you can go?
23:16And Merry Christmas,
23:18Mr. Cartier and Mr. Cartier.
23:19The Cartierettes, too.
23:21All a good night.
23:24Well, honey,
23:25sugar plum baby,
23:28this is it all alone.
23:29Yeah.
23:31Let me tell you
23:31this little story.
23:32You see my...
23:33the babies.
23:42Julie?
23:44Julie?
23:45Julie?
23:51Uh-uh.
23:56Oh, Santa Claus.
23:58Nice to see you again
23:59this year.
24:01Hey, did I ever tell you
24:02about my cousin Frida?
24:04Well, you see,
24:05she had her nose fixed,
24:07but it grew back.
24:10Ho, ho, ho!
24:12Ho, ho!
24:13Ho, ho!
24:15Ho, ho!
24:15Ho, ho!
24:15Ho, ho!
24:15Ho, ho!
24:16Ho, ho, ho!
24:17Ho, ho, ho!
24:17Ho, ho!
24:18Ho, ho, ho!
24:22Ho, ho, ho!
24:23Ho, ho, ho!
24:30Ho, ho, ho!
24:32Welcome back
24:32Your dreams were your ticket out
24:37Welcome back
24:39To that same old place
24:42That you laughed about
24:43Well, the names have all changed
24:47Since you hung around
24:48But those dreams have remained
24:51And they've turned around
24:54Who'd have thought they'd need ya
24:56Who'd have thought they'd need ya
24:58Back here where we need ya
25:00Back here where we need ya
25:02Yeah, we tease him a lot
25:04Cause we got him on the spot
25:06Welcome back
25:07Welcome back
25:09Welcome back
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