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00:02you want to make the base useful let us build something useful on the base but in order to do
00:06that of course i have to charm the appropriations committee and then we have to deal with those
00:10vacuous vote whores in washington dc it's a vicious cycle oh that's oh my god that really
00:18opened up we agreed i had the night off oh yeah listen it's your anniversary happy anniversary
00:25thank you we can talk about it tomorrow oh well tomorrow's saturday and we should hit
00:29it hard on monday the universal day for starting work and also funding requests aren't due for
00:34another six weeks so i know the key to staying one step ahead is being two steps ahead at all
00:39times
00:39last summer we weren't and we got some funding for what the stupid frisbee golf course that nobody likes
00:44well it's actually called disc golf and it's pretty popular i played with some people in college that's
00:48the row bros yeah but now we're soldiers not stoner virgins afraid of real sports listen you guys enjoy
00:54it's your anniversary enjoy the dinner and i'm taking this with you
00:58wear her that's that's his one you can have mine
01:05abe did you not tell him we were going away this weekend no i did he just hasn't approved my
01:10leave
01:11yet but don't worry about it i've succeeded in getting leave last minute before
01:14oh yeah after a protracted game of cat and mouse i was able to attend half my uncle's funeral
01:19oh thank you
01:23from the colonel congrats no one thought you'd make it did you get the note
01:51so hey i just wanted to run something by you um it's celeste's idea but i'm on board too
01:55it's a little unconventional oh i know what's going on she wants to do weird sex stuff right
02:00oh no no no you know what happens is when a relationship starts to go south of a marriage
02:03yeah they read a cosmo article the next thing you know fingers are going places they should never
02:07be going right listen you're vanilla yeah and that's okay yeah it is okay vanilla is the world's
02:12most popular flavor for a reason a little help for me look at this this is why i hate saturdays
02:18huh because it's like you and me are the only two people working we sure are i just need to
02:23ask you
02:23for this weekend off for my anniversary once again you know i promise to work the next five
02:28saturdays which is plenty of time to finish by the deadline i don't want to cut it that close and
02:32also i i gave you a day to celebrate your anniversary that's all you need you're celebrating a day
02:36in your life with a day have you seen a little disc hey jan this yours yes it has my
02:44name on it yeah
02:45yeah okay let me show you something pal this disc belongs to me now oh my god what are you
02:51doing
02:51here i thought you were going on your big trip to bruges i saw celeste's anniversary post that said
02:56y'all were cruising for a bruges we were supposed to go today but then the colonel's making me work
03:00can't you just have somebody fill in okay yeah i'm just gonna go to the shah store and find some
03:03extra shah watch some shah in order i'm so sorry i'm freaking out right now okay okay look
03:08i have people fill in for me all the time remember last week when we had that inventory meeting on
03:13zoom that wasn't me that was regina from special ops okay but she did a presentation yeah we face
03:18swapped and she lip synced all you need to do is find yourself a regina and swap her in okay
03:23so it's
03:24like the indiana jones hand switch thing he swaps the golden statue for a bag of sand i just need
03:28to
03:28find a bag of sand a bag of sand with nothing better to do dare me to drink this hot
03:36sauce
03:37we share a bathroom so no too late oh that's a good bag of sand yeah it really is i
03:43need to go use
03:44our bathroom no no just use the use the teen centers hey uh hey come on in
03:58is everything okay yeah why wouldn't it be oh no i i mean you did comment on celeste's anniversary
04:04post so oh yeah well that's the polite thing to do yeah you also commented hashtag love wins with
04:10six fire emojis yeah yeah that's i mean it had to be convincing well i'm not convinced so that's why
04:16i'm gonna ask you one more time are you okay would a person who's not okay be pulling off a
04:24hat like
04:24this oh and you are pulling it off i know it what is this it is rose all day pink
04:32okay look i know that
04:34you're not over the situation with celeste and shaw but this is no time to be making emotionally charged
04:40hair choice it's not it's just a streak a terrible streak yeah a terrible streak yeah that's it
04:47i'm taking you off base you never take me off base especially on the weekends you didn't even let
04:52me drive you to urgent care that time they found your car in a ditch i'm willing to make an
04:56exception
04:57in light of this craft for help streak we gotta get this fixed asap you coming with me to my
05:01salon
05:01okay don't forget that off the base privileges can be revoked immediately if you can't hang
05:05oh i can hang no hat no hat
05:13ankle chain yeah of course i'm yeah yeah listen in the words of my grandmother when i pushed her
05:19down the slip and slide i just don't think this is a good idea the colonel already loves you
05:23really yeah yeah it's unconditional hey it's there no he doesn't not yet at least listen people need
05:30to be exposed to me in low doses to build up a tolerance it's like babies with peanuts right
05:35now if i give the colonel just a little bit of papa d every day 20 years from now he's
05:39best man at my
05:40wedding what about if i teach you everything you need to know and then we can cut it down to
05:4310
05:45come on i don't know if i'm gonna meet a model that likes me by then
05:49who am i kidding okay i got pretty good people instincts and i know when someone's desperate
05:56like this you should probably trust him i'm in yeah what do i need to bring nothing just your
06:01computer and a high tolerance for verbal abuse all right what snacks like sweet or savory snacks oh
06:06you don't need to worry about that the colonel only eats beef jerky when he's working it's his perfect
06:09food meat gum oh and by the way under no circumstances defend waiting in lines geneva conventions
06:14or paddington so let's go i got a training catch come on
06:21hey thank you so much for bringing me to your cool secret salon okay i'm just a regular person
06:26always good to see you zelda
06:32why is she calling you zelda look me bringing you to my salon and me letting you in on my
06:37personal life
06:37are two different things i live in a moral gray area i don't need people know much about me
06:42well you know my deepest darkest secrets they're not that dark one day they might be
06:46i'm i'm just trying to get you to open up yeah yeah i know that look i'll be right back
07:01and now they're kissing okay
07:05hey hey hey is everything uh chill out here yeah chill who is this blowout with the sad eyes your
07:11new
07:11partner don't worry about it she doesn't tell me anything either well i got it over the border
07:18you can take it from here hi oh yikes that seems like a tricky situation is she um like a
07:28friend of
07:28yours or xelda maybe we talked about this no we didn't oh yeah we did no we didn't and i
07:33would like to
07:37it's like hacking with some friends okay what's up colonel what's he doing here oh well with only six
07:45weeks to write our three-page request we need a shortcut and papadakis here is our shortcut he's gonna
07:50hack into the other bases proposals and give us an unfair advantage i like the sound of that
07:54yeah fairness is overrated ah hey you have not earned meat gum my friend okay well i'm already
08:03in the usa gv spotted back door looks like they're requesting five million dollars to promote
08:12mental health unbelievable what a bunch of paddington's right we don't need to go
08:17near controversial topics no no no what is your opinion of paddington soldier
08:24there's another word for a bear that lives in your house rent-free eating your marmalade
08:29a bum that's the one thank you this little bear it's got no job but he's got a briefcase what's
08:34in the briefcase you tell me i'll tell you what's in the briefcase not pants he doesn't wear any
08:38you know what i like the cut of your jib have yourself some meat gum
08:44hey okay all right look at this dynamic deal it's like uh i don't even need to be here right
08:49what what am i doing here right what are you doing here
09:00i like hacking i know it's a nerd word but it's the only thing about computers i think sounds
09:05tough like gene hackman hacksaw ridge wow i really wish i knew something about computers since today's
09:10task seems pretty computer dependent we're okay here i think you can go ahead and take your little
09:14trip now trip yeah oh the trip oh yeah i actually totally forgot about it i mean i could check
09:19on
09:19tickets if they're still available great go have fun and we'll see you later if you need me you
09:23know all right you can get out of here bud just you know making sure you're all set dynamic duo
09:31you ever seen indiana jones when he pulls a little sandbag switch he thinks he got away with it
09:40till the big boulder comes rumbling thundering down after him you know why because the boulder wasn't
09:47fools i'm the boulder i only saw the one with shia labeouf i'm a bit lost
09:58so you uh you seem pretty down and i'm just wondering if it has anything to do with that
10:02woman who kissed you and slapped you and gave you a bag what's in the bag nothing you need to
10:09worry
10:09about well no i'm not worried i'm just you know asking questions as a friend and sometimes friends
10:14answer i gotta go in here i'll be right back
10:29i know it's last minute yeah it's over three kilos but i'll i'll still take care of it for
10:35you oh i appreciate you laura's you know i owe you all right do you want to leave it here
10:39oh no
10:40no no i feel much safer with it with me bless you oh that's just my friend you know what
10:48there's no
10:49way anything was gonna stop this anniversary trip and the colonel was pretty cool about it not that
10:53i'm thinking about the colonel but you know what just call me colin farrell because my head
10:57is already in brood oh i guess that makes me friend english oh well he's a good actor hey
11:03hey a little help hey you guys uh heading out on your little anniversary trip huh sure are yeah
11:09what are you two doing out here i thought you were working in that you hated disc golf you know
11:13what i
11:13apologize for that because now i realize the error of my ways papadakis and i were working away my
11:18brain was melting staring at that computer while we were hacking and he said i know the perfect antidote
11:23he says disc golf before i could say no he says how can you say no no before you say
11:28yes
11:30wow anyways so now i guess we're kind of throw bros oh wow you got a handshake too yeah yeah
11:36well
11:37we'll see you guys on uh monday just one second just one second here okay so this is kind of
11:41funny
11:41because i brought in papadakis here as glorified i.t i know yeah here you are just just hitting it
11:47off
11:47we've got this natural dynamic it's like it just works do you yeah push pull yin yang
11:52lennon and mccartney we're making music together it's crazy yeah here's the thing about him this
11:57yeah he yeah he's not a yes man you know what thank you sir i love a good challenge why
12:05don't we make
12:05this a foursome you and your friend versus me and my friend wife wife we're never gonna be friends
12:12let's go we got this let's go
12:20latte no i'm actually gonna go back i gotta go to the bathroom and it's a small town distinctive
12:26shoes so you should try out the secrets that i could discover yeah
12:38find your way back to warrior two stretch those arms to the left and come back to center
12:51yann yann shh namaste maggie quinn sorry i just need your help with something i knew this moment
13:00would come and i am flattered that you ask but i simply cannot donate any more sperm apparently now
13:05my chromosomes are a threat of genetic diversity no that's no thank you i just need you to tell me
13:11in your expert opinion if this bag is full of drugs if you can't remember there's a good chance
13:16it is it's not my bag it is my friend's bag and why don't you just open it then let's
13:21see well
13:21that would violate my friend's trust but if i had to guess i would say that it feels like three
13:27kilos of something very powdery three kilos give it here okay
13:36oh yeah i'm sorry to inform you but this bag is not drugs you're sure honey i've been escorted
13:41out of amsterdam twice yes i'm sure okay well that is a relief to hear you know i mean the
13:46drugs part
13:46everything you've said is very disturbing what are you doing i said don't open it oh yes that is
13:51something you said yeah yeah my short-term memory is not good on account of real drugs but
13:56you'll be happy to hear that your friend's cremated remains appear to be in excellent
14:00condition cremated remains shh cremated remains why would why would she be smuggling cremated remains
14:07across the border sometimes you just have to make a body disappear and even the local police are scary
14:13good at finding dna these days ah and i'm sort of an expert on dna on account of all the
14:18sperm i give out
14:25let me show you how we do it at suny binghamton oh yeah okay okay
14:30no gun gun gun what relax it's a bb gun yeah we're not playing the normal crap ways
14:37playing colonel rule that's right more interesting makes it harder okay if we leave right now we could
14:44still make it to dinner at the pizza hut in the 500 year old castle and i know you want
14:48to do that
14:48that sounds lame balls i like you because you speak everything you have on your mind comes right
14:54out of your mouth you know what you're gonna make a great xo one day even for me maybe
15:01oh hey shah's rules hey he's bleeding oh my god are you okay totally unprovoked attack on an
15:09innocent bystand unprovoked yes one minute i'm the only guy in the world who can help you
15:13and the next you're flipping discs with this guy because you both hate paddington yeah you should
15:18be one talking to people about how they're treated you've been indiana jonesing me this whole time
15:22i can't believe you did this to me you know first you first you leave me for that half a
15:26funeral six
15:27years ago and now this forget it i know we're done you you know what you know i'm gonna give
15:31you the
15:31next five weekends off and you can go visit all the tiniest countries in europe and have boring sex
15:36there okay you've gone way past being co-workers to being codependent obsession
15:42well you just work together i used to blame you for ruining our marriage but now i'm realizing it
15:47takes two to play frisbee golf and our sex by the way is exotic and spontaneous and sometimes it is
15:53quite kinky okay i just wanted a nice weekend with my husband for our anniversary and neither of you
16:00wanted to give me that the only difference is only one of you vowed to put me first for the
16:05rest of your
16:05life that hurts and this hurts too my nose
16:19so i stole your bag you don't say get in what is going on with you i opened the bag
16:26so i know that
16:26there's remains in there which i can't unknow or unsmell and i need you to know that i'm your friend
16:33dana i'm gonna do whatever i can to help you okay i'll call an attorney i'll call a funeral home
16:38i'll call a doctor it's probably too late for a doctor but but i will do whatever you ask me
16:43okay
16:43because i know that you would do the same for me maggie yeah they're dog ashes they're dog ashes
16:50they're dog ashes they're my sweet little paprika to be exact
16:55wait what why were you being so secretive about it because i told you repeatedly i didn't want to
17:01talk about it i'm just saying that sometimes being a friend is just being there well passivity is not
17:08my strong suit but but i'm gonna you know get working on that i can't believe that stole the bag
17:14yeah i suck i'm no i can't believe that you were willing to do anything for me like that is
17:21that's sweet you're a real one
17:27so that girl that you saw me arguing with at the salon okay that was actually my ex-girlfriend
17:32annie okay yeah we lived together in germany and for some reason we kept adopting elderly greyhounds
17:38which i do not recommend because at first they're already like little skeletons
17:42and then by the end they're tiny grim reapers lurking around their home just waiting to break
17:47your heart oh yeah paprika was the last dog we adopted together and when she died a couple weeks
17:54ago i asked annie to do me a favor and drive her ashes across the border so they didn't get
17:58caught
17:58up in customs and the sketchy guy at the antique store was hooking me up with an urn oh i'm
18:05so sorry
18:06for your loss okay i guess talking about things isn't so bad wow that relationship with your ex
18:13seems really complicated yeah the sharing portion is old okay it's ridiculous and it it keeps happening
18:19i know i know look i'm sorry about the trip okay i know i do this i do blame work
18:23and the colonel for
18:24our relationship problems but you're right it's my fault too okay from now on when it is our time
18:31the colonel no longer exists hey why is the door locked he has a key okay it's just for emergencies
18:38and snacks i will change the locks all right good listen up i need you to work next weekend i
18:44can't do
18:44it yeah you have to do it i'll tell you why because i was thinking about the appropriations but we're
18:48never going to get the funding we need to fix everything that's broken on the base i think
18:52we turn stroopstorf into a destination for like summits and peace talks and maybe even war planning
18:58okay okay yeah secure low-profile destination with high-end accommodations sounds useful but it's a bad
19:03time for that bad time for that okay i need you to take this proposal okay to the commander of
19:11benelux
19:11and wait three days for a response because it's time sensitive okay we need permission and he is at a
19:16conference in paris and i need you to take this public affairs officer with you because she is
19:24going to write the press release if you in fact get permission i have always wanted to go to paris
19:36let's grab these pretzels and uh oh my god no these are the ones i told you to stop getting
19:41they're too dry i mean i'm gonna eat them anyways but i'll make a list
19:48hey colonel yeah hey colonel hey um thank you hey listen man i've been through so many divorces
19:56i can smell one coming from a mile away i just thought maybe a little febreze to take the stink
20:00off look some of the things i said i didn't mean it's just that this uh working relationship
20:11is important to me yeah yeah yeah me too i mean i'm uh you know i'm to me you're my
20:20favorite
20:22uh co-worker i've ever had like i feel like we're really you know we're so uh perfect together that
20:30when you go away i'm like what am i gonna do i'm who can i co-work with and i
20:34can't really
20:34with anybody so i got something in my eye right now i got something ah paprika oh paprika
20:45oh that's that explains it i didn't it doesn't taste like paprika
20:58sir permission to not be your friend anymore oh pop it out because that whole thing was fake
21:02i know it started out that way but like all great movies and it turned into something real
21:06and i'm just here to let you know that it is not going to work out between us
21:09hell i couldn't handle being your fake friend i think the real thing would kill me
21:13i guess what i'm trying to say is goodbye man
21:17goodbye to us hanging out on the weekend
21:23i didn't earn this meat gum
21:26have a good life what the hell is going on i think you just got dumped
21:35it's going so well
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