- 18 hours ago
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00:00The following programme contains strong language.
00:12You're not just a pretty face, are you?
00:14I love it. I love it.
00:16I think you should get a little job over here, like, full-time.
00:19Do you think we're doing it?
00:22Previously, at great expense, we'd stuck up a billboard...
00:25It's so funny!
00:27...that no-one liked.
00:30Danny's bit's really sweet.
00:31And you look your way and you're deep-throat in a caravan.
00:35We held a sports day...
00:38...that got the park jumping.
00:40I think it went a lot better than I expected, probably, to be fair.
00:43I don't know how he pulled it off.
00:45Action.
00:46This guy's got everything.
00:47And we shot an ad for social media
00:49to try and sell Priory Hill's newest van.
00:53I was gonna say, we should probably bleep out the swearing as well for the kids.
00:56He's already posted it.
00:57All right, well...
00:59And I could all go hand in hand
01:03Hand in hand, right there
01:06I'm hotline
01:15It was a picture-perfect morning in Laystown.
01:19The sun was out, the birds were singing.
01:21And the air was filled with the sweet aroma of...
01:26...bin juice.
01:28What are you saying?
01:29Have a look in there.
01:30What?
01:30Oh, Jesus.
01:31I see.
01:32I had some gloves for you, actually.
01:33Do you want some gloves?
01:34Bit like now, Jim, innit?
01:38How many BAFTA winners have done this, eh?
01:41In the summer time
01:44I've seen Olivia Colman doing this, bollocks, would you?
01:47Not in a million years.
01:51Good morning, Mr. Dyer.
01:53You want my darling?
01:54I want to have a balcony out here.
01:57OK.
01:58If they can put a balcony on that one down there...
02:00Yeah.
02:00...and I've got more space in him...
02:02OK.
02:02I don't see why.
02:03I can't have them.
02:04Well, we'll have a chat then, darling.
02:05I'm sure we can sort out something for you.
02:07Yeah, we'll have a chat.
02:07Please, have a chat.
02:08I've asked everyone and all I keep getting is...
02:11Nothing.
02:12I promise you, I'll get back to you.
02:15Bye, everyone.
02:15Ta-da, girl.
02:17That's a nice little interjection.
02:19Get moaned at.
02:23It was now a couple of weeks since we'd promoted our most expensive van,
02:28the Riverwood Lodge.
02:32Oh, the office.
02:34The office.
02:36Priced at a whopping 70,000.
02:38Our next job was to see if any interested buyers would buy it.
02:42Talk to me about this promo video, your directional debut.
02:47It got, like, just under two million views.
02:49Can you believe that?
02:50Just under two million?
02:51Just under two million.
02:52Wow.
02:53On our one video, do you know how many inquiries we've had?
02:57One?
02:59Over 30.
03:00Stop.
03:01So, if we don't sell this, we've failed me, shall we?
03:06Now, we need to get some people down here and we need to start trying to sell this van.
03:09Fuck knows how you use this thing.
03:11You type numbers in, absolutely not.
03:13It's not my game, all this, is it?
03:15Just dial the number and press ring.
03:20I'm assuming that's it.
03:22It's ringing.
03:25Mmm.
03:27This is going well.
03:30Fuck is everyone?
03:32They don't know who's on the phone, who's ringing them.
03:35Spoil, little actor.
03:36You get your little PA to do it, didn't you?
03:38Oh, I don't think you're using a landline.
03:40You know what it is about this?
03:41You've got to ring it quick before it starts going, meh, meh.
03:44Can't I do re-dial?
03:46Can I just press set?
03:48Hello, Nuts Farm and Priory Hill.
03:50No, I have rung you.
03:51Oh!
03:52Oh!
03:54Right, who am I ringing then, Kelly?
03:56I'm hoping you'll get an answer here.
03:58Quick time.
03:59Just do your own thing.
04:00What's the matter with you?
04:01You won Love Island and you can't make a phone call.
04:03Well, it won't be an intelligent child, was it?
04:07Hello, is this Kelly?
04:09Hello, is Danny Dyer calling?
04:12We heard that you was interested in a potential caravan.
04:18Oh, amazing.
04:19We didn't know if you wanted to, like, come down for a viewing.
04:22Has she got any readies or something?
04:24Oh, amazing.
04:24Thank you so much, Kelly.
04:26No, I think you've done well there, baby.
04:28So, she's interested.
04:29I think she could be a good buyer, that one.
04:31Amazing.
04:31You know, we could sort of say about, you know, doing them a deal,
04:33but just take the score off it.
04:34Well, we do, like, a 62.
04:3662?
04:36That's taking fucking eight grand off it.
04:38I know, but...
04:39No, I'm up for that.
04:40I'm up for doing it a 62.
04:42That's when Mark showed up to watch the master at work.
04:46It's Danny Dyer.
04:47How are you, son?
04:48You OK?
04:50You've inquired about that caravan, haven't you?
04:52There's a good plot down there, mate, right on the seat.
04:54It's about 69 grand, this caravan.
04:57OK, lovely.
04:58Good.
04:58Love that.
05:0075, mate.
05:0475.
05:08It might be 75, I've just been told, but, well, actually, no bollocks.
05:11No, I'm not having that.
05:1169.
05:13Let us know in your own time.
05:14Bye, bye, bye.
05:1675 grand?
05:17Yeah, why did we think it was changing?
05:19Because that's what I was told, darling.
05:2069,9999.
05:22Why has it gone up?
05:23So when they brought it in at first...
05:24Right.
05:25What was the price when it came in at first?
05:2670.
05:2770, right, OK.
05:28So it goes on the plot, 70 bags.
05:30Yeah, and then we thought we'd throw in a big decking.
05:32Which it needs.
05:32Yeah.
05:33And we've pretty much only charged half what the decking would cost.
05:35I was gonna say, so the deckings...
05:37So, yeah, that's over 10 grand worth of decking.
05:38I can't see us selling this.
05:4075 grand, mate.
05:41That's a lot of money, 75.
05:42I'll get shot with fucking Villa and Benidon for that.
05:45I've seen them sell for 120, though.
05:47What, on here?
05:48No, not on here.
05:49Oh, well, there you go.
05:50I'll see you in a bit, anyway.
05:58Das R?
05:59I just heard them saying on the phone that the van's 69,999.
06:04Danny and Danny to all the new customers coming to view it.
06:06It's not right, is it?
06:07No.
06:08I don't know where they got that price from, yeah.
06:10What do we do?
06:11That's not enough.
06:12Yeah.
06:13Not in the slightest.
06:15If they advertise it like that, though, it's hard to say any differently.
06:19We got the price on application, didn't we?
06:20We did, yeah.
06:21I don't know where he's got the figure from.
06:22I've got to take this in.
06:24All right.
06:25Once you tell someone something, you will be pissed off that it's not right,
06:28you know, you want to have all the information,
06:30but the press did write about it being 69,999,
06:32so maybe he's picked it up from there.
06:3570's too low, mate.
06:36Yeah.
06:36Too low.
06:38So, in excess of 75, we need to push for 78, really.
06:42Yeah.
06:43I'll let you discipline Danny.
06:44Yeah, I will.
06:46I wouldn't spend 75 grand on a caravan.
06:49Er, I would.
06:50To be fair, I've got the sheds in my garden, I know, that Java got.
06:53Mm.
06:54Well, it was a golf simulator, weren't it?
06:55Golf simulator.
06:56Which you're now going to turn into a shed because...
06:58Oh.
06:59I think he played golf in there once.
07:01Mm.
07:01He's never been back?
07:02No.
07:03Still love him, though, don't we?
07:04Yeah, we love him.
07:05Yeah.
07:06Impulsive.
07:06Impulsive.
07:07Just like you, eh?
07:09Hello.
07:09Hello, Dan.
07:10If I sell my caravan too cheap.
07:12I thought it was 69,999.
07:15Mm.
07:15Anywhere else in the country, mate, you'd be paying double that.
07:18Exactly, I know that.
07:19Yeah, no, I know.
07:20So, just be straight with me.
07:21Yeah.
07:23What's the lowest?
07:24They offer you 72, 73, mate.
07:2772?
07:28Tell them you're doing them a favour.
07:29Okay.
07:29Don't want to, but...
07:30I think I might have to...
07:35You all right?
07:35What are you doing?
07:37I don't know.
07:38Did you not have a look for them just now?
07:40Oh, Ned.
07:41Did you want to go for a walkies in a minute?
07:44This is nice, isn't it?
07:45That's exactly it.
07:48With our persistent phone bashing, we'd managed to set up three viewings.
07:52And with the punters en route, we had to make Riverwood Lodge look like it was worth the revised 72
07:58grand.
08:00Lovely.
08:01What?
08:03Oh, what have they done in here?
08:05Look, what's all this bollocks here, look?
08:08Mind.
08:10Wedding.
08:10Out here for a second.
08:13Wow.
08:14Oh, look at this view, though.
08:17Look at them nutters.
08:19That's it.
08:20Dump it under the sink.
08:21What'll do with this?
08:26Hello.
08:26Hello.
08:27Are you okay?
08:28Yeah, you all right?
08:29How are you?
08:30Oh, you are first?
08:31Yeah, I'm first.
08:32It's lovely.
08:33Jekyll flowers.
08:34Jekyll flowers.
08:35Jekyll flowers.
08:35Do you like the ads?
08:36Love it.
08:37Do you have a caravan already?
08:38No, I had a caravan about 20 years ago in East Church when the children were little.
08:44Oh, okay.
08:56So, what are the months that you have to close up down here?
08:59It's two months, innit?
09:01It's ten months you're allowed to put...
09:02Yes, from October till March.
09:03All right.
09:04Right.
09:04What?
09:05I thought it was ten months you could be down here for.
09:07So, what's the deposit you have to put down on this?
09:09Well, I mean, are you interested?
09:11Do you know how much it is, this caravan?
09:12Yeah, I am.
09:13Go on.
09:1372.
09:14Oh, you know.
09:15I do know.
09:16I just want to know the deposit and what the...
09:18Well, depends.
09:19...monthly thing...
09:25Er...
09:26We ain't done our research.
09:28I won't ask you no more questions.
09:30Where's Mark?
09:31Right, let me find out.
09:35Hello?
09:35What do you want for this?
09:37Ten percent deposit.
09:39Right, so, a ten percent deposit.
09:41Yeah.
09:41They complete normally within seven days.
09:43What do you mean?
09:44You have to pay it all up front?
09:46That's what they do normally, yeah.
09:48I mean, how quickly do you think you could buy this van?
09:50Well, not in seven days.
09:52Sorry, unless you...
09:53I thought it was like you could get it on finance.
09:55Or did you have to buy it on...
09:56Mark, could we get this on finance?
09:58We don't do finance ourselves, but you can get a personal finance for it, yeah?
10:02Yeah.
10:03I'll call you back.
10:04Head up.
10:05Head up.
10:07Despite us making a hash of the questions, Kelly still seemed keen.
10:11Yeah, it's lovely.
10:12I mean, that kitchen's better than my kitchen at home.
10:15But without Priory Hill offering finance, anyone interested had a huge hurdle to clear.
10:23Here's hoping the next punter, Ian, was feeling flush.
10:25No, I heard a room of 46.
10:28So it was 69.
10:30Right.
10:31Then they put the decking in, and the decking's over 10 grand.
10:34Right.
10:34So it'll take you up to 78.
10:37Right.
10:38But they would do a deal with you.
10:40Right.
10:44All our hopes of a quick sale rested on Chris from London.
10:48Yeah.
10:48What's he look like?
10:50Well, he's got a nice motor.
10:51He's got a Range Rover.
10:52That's a fucking good sign.
11:03Does he?
11:04Right.
11:05So this is what we thought.
11:05We made a mistake.
11:07Yeah.
11:08They're willing to do a little price on it, a little deal on it.
11:10Now, you've seen you've turned up in a Range Rover.
11:13So it means you might have a few quid about you.
11:15I like the van.
11:16I like the plot.
11:17There's another couple of places I want to have a look at.
11:19Okay.
11:20Yeah.
11:20Because some of them are offering, like, free site fees.
11:23Like, one or two years.
11:25If they're doing that, I want to have a chat with the boys.
11:27Yeah.
11:27People are going to put their hand in their pocket, like yourself,
11:29for a lovely place like this, proper money.
11:31Then they should be offering a couple of years free site fees.
11:33I agree.
11:33I agree.
11:38There's a part of me that just feels slightly guilty about the price.
11:40Well, no, babe.
11:41That's because you're a good person.
11:42I'm a shit businessman.
11:43You are.
11:44Because I want to look after people.
11:45You'd give it to someone for free.
11:46I would, though.
11:47This is the most expensive van on here by a mile.
11:49Yeah.
11:50Oh, my God.
11:50This is the most expensive van they've ever tried to sell.
11:52Yeah.
11:53Well, I think the thing is this.
11:561.9 million people.
11:58Yeah.
11:58Viewed the video.
12:00Loads of comments.
12:01Hundreds.
12:02Yeah.
12:03And three people showed up.
12:04I know.
12:08Knowing it would take a few days to hear back from our potential buyers,
12:11I cracked on with some other pressing matters.
12:16Right.
12:18The lovely Jane at sports day won their mobility scooter race.
12:23Her prize.
12:25A date with me.
12:27Hopefully she likes Prosecco.
12:28I think she's more into hard spirits.
12:33Wish me luck.
12:39Jane.
12:40You little salt.
12:41Your date's here.
12:43All right, love.
12:44Oh, look at her.
12:46Look.
12:47Yeah, a cop for this, right?
12:48Yeah.
12:51She's done.
12:52Hello.
12:53All right.
12:53You ain't got no issue with me taking Jane out of you.
12:55What I'll say is, don't wait up.
12:59And this little mob here, Jane, I don't want them following us either.
13:02All right, then.
13:03So you look and just fuck off.
13:04Go on.
13:05Fuck off out of it.
13:06Go on.
13:06Because we're...
13:07Yeah, what will be will be, Jane, eh?
13:08What will be will be.
13:09See you later, guys.
13:10Yeah.
13:11Yeah.
13:12See yous later.
13:18Me and you, on a little date.
13:20Any chance?
13:34The Lays Down Carnival is a summer institution, and I was keen for Priory Hill to enter.
13:40A perfect way to connect with the locals and raise the park's profile.
13:49Shall we go watch these DVDs, then?
13:51Yeah.
13:5492, I'm guessing.
13:56Look at Lays down there.
13:57Look.
13:58Heaving.
14:00That's you.
14:01Oh, that's me.
14:02Straight off the van.
14:03That's me and Alex and Leon sitting in the lorry, I think.
14:07Dad's filming this.
14:08He always had a camera out.
14:09There's so many home videos of us.
14:11We haven't seen much of Dad in this.
14:14He's always behind the camera.
14:15Yeah, isn't it?
14:16Bet he would have loved all this, doing this now.
14:18Yeah, mate.
14:19With Danny.
14:19Absolutely.
14:20He was always trying to think of fun stuff to do.
14:25The carnival was weeks off, but with plenty to sort out, it was a great chance for everyone to muck
14:31in.
14:31And this year, we were going with an enchanted undersea theme.
14:36Hey, do I look?
14:37Nah, that looks weird.
14:39I don't know.
14:41Oh, who done that one?
14:42Because I don't like that.
14:43Sorry.
14:43Sorry, Dan.
14:44Bloody hell.
14:49That was my tag back in the day.
14:52When I was a graffiti artist.
14:54Spray me tag everywhere.
14:56And then the other things.
14:58Yep.
15:01Well, the rain ain't helping now, is it?
15:03Well, the rain really ain't helping.
15:05With carnival prep washed out, we turned our attention to the three customers who'd viewed the Riverwood Lodge.
15:16Now, obviously, we've got to sell this fucking thing.
15:18You've got three numbers there.
15:19What are we going to do?
15:20Give them all the chance to put a bid in?
15:21Yes.
15:26Hello.
15:26Is that the wonderful Kelly?
15:28It is.
15:29Just following up on our lovely little meet that we had.
15:31Just wondering if you want to make us an offer, because there's a few bods that want it.
15:36So, I've got 60 at the moment, but I mean, to get the 72, I'm really struggling.
15:42OK.
15:42I totally understand that, darling.
15:44Yeah.
15:44All right.
15:44Have a lovely day, my little darling.
15:46Cheers.
15:48Oh, bless her.
15:49Why don't you be her financial advisor, won't you?
15:51I've got to knock me plate down.
15:52I'm spanking fucking Reddy's left, right and centre, sweetheart.
15:54So, if she does the 60, then you just loan her, what, 30 grand or something?
15:59What, me?
16:00Yeah.
16:01I will have to go in the jungle.
16:02Yeah, you will.
16:04All right.
16:04We've got Chris.
16:07Hello.
16:07Hello.
16:08It's Danny Dyer calling.
16:09Now, we just wanted to have a little follow-up, just to see what you were thinking about the
16:13Caravan, because I know you loved it.
16:15Yeah, well, I did love it, and I set up immediately to source some finance.
16:21Unfortunately, I found that as a difficult product to actually get hold of, and so I've
16:27had to look down a different path, unfortunately.
16:29Oh, I get that, Chris.
16:30You know, you didn't want to put all your eggs in one basket.
16:32I totally get it.
16:34Oh, hold on.
16:36Ah, here he is.
16:37How's it going?
16:37All right?
16:38How are you, Winkle?
16:38You okay?
16:39All good, thank you.
16:40All right, let's go then.
16:41Ian.
16:41Hello?
16:42Ah, Ian, how are we, sir?
16:44It's Danny Dyer.
16:45All right.
16:45Wondering if you are still up for putting a bid in on this caravan?
16:49No, I'm looking good for them.
16:52Tell her, son.
16:53Tell her, mate.
16:55Yeah, I think it's safe to say that all of their arses have flapped.
16:58Yeah.
16:59What's the other alternative, a fucking open day?
17:01An open day, yeah.
17:02It's got to be over a bank holiday.
17:03It's got to be at the end of May, otherwise there's no point.
17:06I'm getting married.
17:07You used to have to do it without me.
17:09Well, am I not coming to the wedding, then?
17:10Oh, yeah, sorry.
17:11Oh, right, okay.
17:13Fucking hell.
17:14You haven't done loads of open days before, though.
17:16I haven't done one, really.
17:17We didn't promote it anyway, so it was dead quiet.
17:19How many people turned up till you last?
17:21I think we had, like, 12 people rock up, yeah.
17:2312 people.
17:24Oh, both.
17:25Bye.
17:30As well as carnival prep, we now had open day to sort.
17:34With the cost of living sky high, I needed to show we had homes for every budget
17:38and move fast before sales dropped for summer.
17:45You had an open day last year, didn't you?
17:47Yeah.
17:47There's not six people turned up.
17:49They were slightly more than that.
17:51It was about 12.
17:52You were fighting for 12 people, hadn't you?
17:54We didn't want to invest a lot into it, not knowing how many people would turn up.
17:58So, if we could get more people to come down here...
18:01Well, don't worry.
18:02..we could make it a bigger event.
18:03I'm gonna sort out a coachload of people from London.
18:06If anyone can get a bunch of Londoners down here, it's me.
18:10I am very much supportive of open days.
18:13I think they're a great idea.
18:14But...
18:14But we just need to make sure the costs are managed.
18:17Sports Day was great.
18:19It was great for the whole community.
18:20Brilliant, actually.
18:21But I did hear a rumour that it cost 10 grand.
18:25Yeah, but why...?
18:26I thought that was quite a reasonable number.
18:31Right?
18:32So, is that too much?
18:33I don't know.
18:34That's quite a lot for a sports day.
18:35Is it?
18:37She's got 10 grand on.
18:38Yeah.
18:41My one concern is I don't think it actually bought in any revenue.
18:45Yeah.
18:46I won't make an habit of it.
18:48It's not sustainable to continue doing events...
18:50No.
18:50Sorry, Alex.
18:51...that cost that much.
18:52Won't happen again.
18:54We're not gonna guarantee that we're gonna sell a caravan.
18:57No, but then you've got to get them here.
18:59And I just think maybe a social media post won't be enough.
19:02And I think to get them here, I need to, you know, do something about travel.
19:07Okay.
19:08Let's do it.
19:09I'll get a coach down here.
19:10You need to sort some other shit out.
19:12Banners.
19:12Bunting.
19:14Is it bunting?
19:15What did you think it was?
19:15I called it punting.
19:16Punting?
19:17Do you know what punting is?
19:18I don't, no.
19:19You do it in Oxford and Cambridge.
19:21Little boats with the sticks.
19:22Oh, that's so lovely.
19:23They do that in the notebook.
19:24Yeah, but I don't think we can do punting here.
19:26You're gonna put punting in the seat and be fat.
19:28Yeah.
19:33It says apply two coats.
19:35Do it again?
19:36What?
19:36What are you talking about?
19:37What are you talking about?
19:39That's what it says.
19:39Should have done it yesterday.
19:42Oh, well.
19:42Because it says leave overnight.
19:44We'll just have to see what happens.
19:52Carnival tradition meant we needed a queen for our float.
19:56So, later that week, we decided to sign up some glamorous grannies
20:00for a competition to find her.
20:03Let's hope someone, anyone turns up.
20:07When you go grey, are you gonna let yourself be grey?
20:10If I've still got any hair.
20:12That's the thing they say, you either go grey or bald.
20:15Yeah.
20:16So, I don't have to shave me nut off and just look like a thumb.
20:20Hello.
20:21Lynn, look at you and your lace.
20:23Why do you want to be part of it, babe?
20:25Have you got to join in?
20:26Yeah, of course you have.
20:26If something's going, you've got to be in there and have a go, haven't you?
20:29No, no, babe, I get it.
20:34Oh, hello, my little sweet.
20:36So lovely to see you.
20:37What do you think of your chances, Sheila?
20:39What do you reckon?
20:40Oh, it's just a laugh.
20:41It is a laugh.
20:43Hello.
20:45Hello.
20:45You both enter and you can't be.
20:47We are babies, yeah.
20:48You're joking.
20:49I'm not a granny.
20:49I am.
20:50No.
20:51Well.
20:52What, my baby?
20:53How's my balcony?
20:54Oh, shit, yes, you're one of the balconies.
20:56And I still ain't sorted.
20:57No.
20:58We'll deal with that later.
21:00Guess where I come from?
21:01West Ham, no way.
21:02Oh, yeah.
21:02Do you know how I can tell by the cut of your jib?
21:05Thanks for entering.
21:06And also, you are very, very glamorous.
21:10Come on, babe, we'll see what we can do.
21:13God.
21:14What?
21:14You are a nightmare.
21:16You would flirt with a wall, yeah?
21:30It was clear to get more than a dozen people to an open day
21:34would have to spread the word high and wide.
21:41Good morning.
21:42It's Sam here on Breakfast right through until 10,
21:44and I'm joined by two very special guests here in the studio.
21:47I've got Danny Dyer and his daughter, also Danny Dyer.
21:50Welcome to the show, guys.
21:50We're going to hold an open day.
21:52We just want it to be special.
21:53We want a big open day and just bring some new bodies in.
21:56Shepi FM Extra.
21:58It's an absolute pleasure to have you both here with us.
22:02We're going to hold an open day.
22:03Come and have a look, bring your kids.
22:05And we need to get to the show.
22:06We need to advertise here.
22:07And we thought this was the perfect place.
22:09And keep it local.
22:09Absolutely.
22:11Is that someone's arse?
22:12Are you allowed to say that?
22:19I'll see you in a bit, my son.
22:22Next, I went big and blagged a spot on national TV.
22:26Blanked.
22:27To give us the best chance of drawing a crowd.
22:30Love this show, though.
22:31It's been a while since I've been on it.
22:32Really?
22:32And I'd invited Priory Hills, Del Boy and Rodney along for the ride.
22:37Like, live and kicking there, the duck and all that.
22:40This was the iconic place that everything was filmed, wasn't it?
22:44Blows my mind that I'm sitting outside television centre.
22:47I don't have a fucking clue what it is, mate.
22:51Oh, look at it, mate.
22:53Hiya.
22:53Can I take you down to Danny?
22:54Oh, please.
22:55This is so exciting.
22:56Follow me.
22:57This place is iconic, right?
22:58Oh, yeah.
22:59Icons only.
23:00I don't think he's going to get his dick out of it.
23:02Oh, look at it.
23:05Sorry.
23:05I'll be right with you.
23:09After you.
23:11So, this is why I'm here, basically.
23:14I've got the wonderful Darren and Mark here.
23:17Look at Darren and Mark.
23:18They graft on there.
23:19They're the real heart of it, really.
23:20So, we're going to have an open day at Nuts Hill and Priory...
23:26Nuts Farm, Priory Hill, right?
23:28I'll get the name right, Dan.
23:30It's a bit confusing because there's two of them,
23:31but they're part of the same thing.
23:32Right.
23:33It's in lays down in the Isle of Sheppey.
23:34Will you still be tashed up, then, Dan?
23:36I'll be tashed up, yes.
23:37We'll have a bit of a barbecue, maybe,
23:39but it's from, like, 2 till 5.
23:40I'm here on the telly just to say,
23:42come and get amongst it
23:43because there's some amazing caravans there.
23:45It's a wonderful sight.
23:46Bring back the British holiday,
23:49and everything will be well.
23:50Good.
23:51How'd you feel?
23:52Good. Great shout-out, wasn't it?
23:54You've made your debut.
23:54Made a debut on national TV.
23:56I forgot the...
23:57You almost got the name right, didn't you?
23:59I know I did.
24:00Well, it's your own fault for having Nuts Farm and Priory Hill.
24:03Why can't we call it one thing?
24:05Right, let's have a plot here.
24:07These shows, the power, the reach they've got.
24:11If we can sell five caravans on a day,
24:14we're flying, aren't we?
24:15Everyone's happy.
24:15Yeah, that's mad.
24:16I'll get hold of the manufacturers,
24:18get them to bring some stock down.
24:19We'll have to talk about prices a little bit.
24:21This is a one-day-only offer.
24:23Open day special.
24:24If you don't fancy it today,
24:25then you'll never get this opportunity again.
24:27Throw the sight for you, maybe, for this year.
24:29Maybe.
24:30It's going to work out well.
24:32It's all meant to be.
24:32I can feel it.
24:33There's something in the air.
24:43With the open day fast approaching,
24:45I'll ask my old man down
24:46to help get Priory Hill looking its best.
24:53Oh, be careful.
24:54That's all we need, isn't it?
24:55I know.
24:56I ain't got no clobber with me.
24:57There might be a bit of pony flying about in this water.
25:00Yeah, I do love seeing the old man, to be fair.
25:02And just to try and roll him into this a little bit more,
25:04because really, the foundation of me being here
25:07is because of him taking me down the caravan when I was a kid.
25:11So when you bought our van, which wasn't a static one,
25:15remember how much you paid for it back in the day?
25:17About 300 quid.
25:18300 shots?
25:19Yeah.
25:21Some of the van's down here, 70 grand.
25:23So I've got to tempt them in.
25:24It's more than I paid me flat.
25:26Well, me old man left when I was nine.
25:27So it didn't work out.
25:28And I was like, I wanted answers.
25:30I was a bit like, well, hold on a minute.
25:32Well, my mate's fucking mum and dad are still together,
25:34and they fucking hate each other.
25:36You never really took me with you, did you, painting?
25:38See, I was more of a...
25:39Yeah, but I didn't want you to get in this game, did I?
25:40Because if I never, you wouldn't be doing this now, was you?
25:42Yeah, well, running a faravan site, Jesus Christ.
25:44Nah, I know.
25:45He's back in me life now.
25:47And I do look up to him, you know?
25:49What'd you make of me, then?
25:50Chucking Reddy's into a caravan site.
25:52It ain't like the old days, ain't it?
25:54It ain't no, Pop.
25:55This is the thing I'm trying to say.
25:56It ain't like the old days now.
25:58My old man was always a bit uptight and a bit...
26:00Didn't really want to talk about anything.
26:02Stuff that I'm sure he regrets that he could have done,
26:04but never really had the tools to do it, you know?
26:06Because men back in the day were fucking men.
26:08Although he did cry at escape to victory
26:10when Pelé scored the overhead kick.
26:13But he's now absolutely coming out of his shell
26:15and he really tries with me and his grandkids
26:17and also his great-grandchildren.
26:19And it's a beautiful thing to see.
26:21So you got faith in me, then, son?
26:22Do you think I'm gonna bring back the British army?
26:23You got it on your face already?
26:24Yeah, have I?
26:25You got it on your tash?
26:26Not in me tash.
26:27Oh, for fuck's sake.
26:28Knowing what's happened to Michael
26:30and the fact he's not around anymore, you know,
26:31for Alex and Jimmy, it just makes me realise
26:33how important it is to spend time with me old man,
26:36you know, and have him wrap around me as much as I can.
26:38Telling him his name, painting his game.
26:46And whilst I was covered in pain,
26:49Dani was with her mother,
26:51knee-deep in silk and lace.
26:55Ready?
26:56Oh, my God.
26:58Oh, wow!
27:01It's beautiful, isn't it?
27:04I could cry.
27:05Oh, it is stunning.
27:06Yeah, look, we got the glitter we found.
27:08Beautiful.
27:09Oh, my God!
27:10Look at that!
27:11What knickers are you gonna wear?
27:13She weren't gonna.
27:14Let her hang free.
27:16Yeah.
27:16Yeah.
27:17Your wedding was amazing though, Mum.
27:18My wedding was so beautiful.
27:20Would you have gone for the same style again?
27:22Wouldn't change nothing?
27:23Only the man.
27:29You dickhead.
27:30I'm just so proud of you.
27:32Yeah, do you love it?
27:33Oh, I'm glad you love it.
27:35Now, can I tell you I'm not your biological mother.
27:44It's a bit tricky, this.
27:46Later that week, we still needed to find a queen
27:48to lead our float at the carnival.
27:50Fucking ladder.
27:52So we set to work building a right royal stage for the auditions.
27:58Oh, God.
28:00I don't think I'll fuck this up.
28:17So what did you used to do then?
28:19Erm, I used to model for eight size ladies plus size.
28:23I can't wait there to get on stage.
28:27I tell you, you miss it.
28:28Once you've been on stage for a few years
28:30and you're off for a while,
28:31you do miss getting back on there again.
28:34I love dressing up.
28:36You just don't get to wear it anymore
28:38because it's not like when we went out when we was young.
28:41Everyone went out to the pub.
28:42They were suited and booted.
28:44You went out down here and you're dressing up clothes,
28:46they'd look at you like you just fell off the moon.
28:49Nervous in a silly way, but looking forward to it.
28:51Bit of fun.
28:52And it calls a few laughs.
29:00Our judges were in position.
29:03Mark, my Danny and Eleanor from Sales and Services,
29:07ready to find our carnival queen.
29:12Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you
29:14to our glamorous grannies.
29:18Lynn.
29:21She loves a cup of tea and a whiskey and coke.
29:27Next up is Lindsay.
29:2966 years young is Debbie.
29:34Kim.
29:38Babs.
29:40Oh, yes.
29:43Next up, Jenny.
29:46Last but not least, we've got Sheena.
29:54How would you describe yourself in three words?
29:59Fun.
30:00Fun.
30:01Caring.
30:02Caring.
30:02Nice.
30:03Sociable.
30:04And sociable.
30:08Caring.
30:09Caring.
30:10Okay, what?
30:10Caring.
30:12Caring.
30:12A lot of caring going on.
30:13Caring.
30:14Caring.
30:15Another carer.
30:15Okay, then.
30:19If it carried on like this, no-one would care who won.
30:22Give me a surprising fact about yourself, please.
30:25Up for anything.
30:30A nine.
30:32Ten.
30:32A nine.
30:33And just like that, Sheila woke the room up.
30:37One surprising fact about you.
30:41Sometimes everyone gets the win, don't they?
30:47It is quite surprising.
30:48I can't imagine that far.
30:50If you could go on a date with any of the primary staff,
30:56who would it be?
30:58Darren.
31:02What's the best bit of advice you'd give to your younger self?
31:07Be careful who you mix with.
31:09Oh.
31:12One surprising fact about yourself.
31:14When I was younger, I liked to leg over.
31:18And I was quite good at it.
31:19I bet you won't go down.
31:24I've worn a gimp mask.
31:27Debbie's...
31:31Debbie won't get a gimp mask.
31:33What decades? 70s? 80s? 90s?
31:35Oh, not that long ago.
31:36Oh, okay.
31:40After that confession, it was time for our judges' final scores.
31:48The winner of the Glamorous Granny competition is...
31:52Debbie!
31:52Debbie!
31:55Ladies and gentlemen, please.
31:58You've done it, my little swing-em-heart.
32:02After you get. Come here.
32:06Well done.
32:09Well, that's the beginning of the show, huh?
32:13Let's please give it up.
32:15For all these beautiful tweakers up here.
32:18The Glamorous Granny's.
32:19Well done, all of you.
32:26A few days later, our Open Day had finally arrived.
32:31We needed to shift the vans fast to get vital cash back into the business
32:36and stop Open Day becoming another financial loss.
32:41If we could sell even one, I'd count it as a big win.
32:46Up.
32:51Back in that way a bit.
33:04Alongside the fresh stock of caravans starting at 40k...
33:09Nice, man.
33:10...we've got the existing plots including chalets on sale for around three grand.
33:16And the Riverwood.
33:18Weighing in at a hefty 75 big ones.
33:23I think Danny does need a win.
33:25Sports Day was good, but in terms of selling, like what he said he was going to help with,
33:28I'm not sure he's sold anything, has he?
33:31Nope.
33:31He's raised the profile of the park a bit.
33:34I've got a feeling it's just going to be fucking rammed.
33:36Because Danny's really popular, isn't he?
33:37I'm worried it's just going to be a meet and greet.
33:42London's just over an hour from Priory Hill, so I had the bright idea to ship in buyers from the
33:48big smoke.
33:50We'd plugged it on TV.
33:52So I'd booked a massive coach from 1987 to bring down the punters.
33:58At the will...
34:00...was Vic.
34:01That takes a while, doesn't it?
34:03Vic, good to see you, son.
34:05Good to see you. Good to see you, Danny.
34:07I did want an old one.
34:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:09I'm all about nostalgia.
34:11Yeah, well, you'll get it with this, all right, mate.
34:13How many does this seat?
34:14Oh, well, we've got 48 on here.
34:16Yeah, 48.
34:1748, right, okay.
34:18No problem.
34:19It could be 200 people.
34:20Yeah, yeah.
34:21Got a sat in having here, or...?
34:22Oh, blimey, that's mastering you.
34:24Paper maps, like the old days, in the 80s.
34:26Really?
34:27Yeah, yeah.
34:28Because what I don't do is getting lost.
34:29No, we won't get lost, yeah.
34:30You sure?
34:31Yeah, that'll be all right.
34:33Right, let's get these people on the coach.
34:34Where are they?
34:35Where are they?
34:38I'll be honest, I went on Sunday brunch.
34:39I thought there'd be thousands of people here.
34:42No one.
34:44Dead.
34:49We've got to get 300 metres of bunting up now.
34:52We've got the balloons, we've got flowers, we've got barbecues, we've got bouncy castles.
34:58The radio's just turned up and it looks like the barbecue as well.
35:00Shall I tell him to come in?
35:01Yeah.
35:02Yeah.
35:02Tell the radio man up there.
35:03Radio man, barbecue.
35:09With just a few hours until open day kicked off, the punters thankfully started to trickle in.
35:15Right, here we go.
35:16Here's some bods.
35:17Go and get yourself on that coach, my darling.
35:19Jump on.
35:20More people.
35:21Thank the Lord.
35:22Go and jump on that old coach here, look.
35:24Oh, here we go.
35:25Danny, lovely to meet you. Thanks for coming.
35:26Nice to meet you.
35:27Thank you so much.
35:29Oh, a couple of lovely trickles.
35:31Absolute pleasure.
35:32One.
35:33We're going to be leaving in ten minutes.
35:37Danny, lovely to meet you. Thanks for coming.
35:39Right, so that's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
35:44Fucking hell.
35:45I think we've shot our bolt.
35:46I mean, I don't know what to do.
35:48I've got to go.
35:49Hopefully some of them have got some readies and they're serious about this.
35:52He's got his maps out, look.
35:54How long do you reckon, son, to get down there?
35:56If we left now, we'd be there by two, easily.
35:58If we left right now?
36:00What?
36:01We needed to get going, so with a half-empty coach,
36:04we hit the road with Sheppie in our sights.
36:11Hello, darling.
36:13Just pull up just on your left.
36:17I'll go up.
36:18Yeah.
36:19I need you to go just by her.
36:24Danny!
36:25Who want these the other way round?
36:27Oh, sorry.
36:30Have you ever met Michael Palin?
36:32I look the same as in the books when he was 20 years ago,
36:34so without flattering myself.
36:39He's done one in the 90s when he went round the world in 80 days, didn't he?
36:42Imagine going round the world in this big...
36:43Oh, blimey.
36:50I think I've got compost in my eyes.
36:52You got it?
36:53Yeah.
36:54Right, so if we whack it along here...
36:56I can't tighten it.
36:58Mark, I'm in a bad way.
36:59Dan, can I just get you hold this a second?
37:01Come in.
37:02Paul can't get down.
37:03Your blue nuts is here.
37:05Shall I put this thing down?
37:06Yeah, go on, Dan.
37:07Oh!
37:11Chevy is likely known as Kent's Treasure Island.
37:14I don't know why.
37:16I wish I had a backup sort of fact.
37:18The area is approximately 163 square miles,
37:22and the population is around 40,000 people.
37:28Although after we turn up, it'll be 40,016 people.
37:43Who's this?
37:44Won't be a minute, folks.
37:46OK?
37:47What's he doing?
37:51You've got to take that bunting down.
37:53What a bunting.
37:54Oh, shit!
37:58Where's it going, anyway?
38:00Ain't it going on the greenery?
38:01We'll have to take some fences out.
38:03Right.
38:03Can you back me back out?
38:04I'll back you back, babe.
38:05Do you want a high-vis?
38:06Yeah.
38:07I'll get you a high-vis.
38:10Absolutely not!
38:11You're just waving that in.
38:12No!
38:12All you're doing is just saying hello there.
38:14You stay there.
38:17All right.
38:18Pressure's on.
38:20All clear behind, Danny.
38:22That's it, babe.
38:25Goodness me.
38:28They broke the post getting it out as well,
38:30so we need a new fence post when we have to put it back in.
38:33Just don't put the wheel over that hole.
38:34Have a bit of faith!
38:42Here's a vicious old kerb.
38:44A vicious old kerb.
38:49He missed that hole by a centimetre.
38:53Oh, thank God for that.
38:55Bit of warning wouldn't have been nice.
38:57Oh, no.
38:57I'm really sorry.
38:59I thought it was supposed to be a bouncy castle.
39:03Back on the road, we were making good time
39:05until we well and truly hit the skids.
39:09Now, what are you going to do?
39:09People need to have a shit.
39:10People need to have a shit.
39:11But I don't know what the fuck she hit last night.
39:13I mean, Vic was doing so well.
39:15Hold on.
39:17Right, she's coming now.
39:18Vic, we're nearly there.
39:24We're ten minutes away from opening.
39:25My dad's not even here yet.
39:27He's still on his coach.
39:28I mean, I'm hoping that I've got about 80 people turning up.
39:31I just want him to be here with me when I open the gates,
39:33and I don't think he's going to be.
39:38Right, ladies and gentlemen, we're coming up to the Sheppie Bridge.
39:42A hundred miles, two espressos and a pony later,
39:46we were nearly at open day.
39:48Our biggest chance to pull in new customers
39:51and, most importantly, raise profits.
39:58On the left-hand side up here, I want you to have a little look.
40:04Any questions?
40:09Thank you all so much for coming.
40:12Back on site, it was 2pm
40:14and the gates were open for business.
40:16All the manufacturers brought their vans down.
40:18It's looking amazing.
40:19But where the fuck is Danny?
40:20I hope he gets here soon,
40:21otherwise it's going to be finished before it's even begun.
40:23Nearly there now.
40:24Nearly there.
40:25Two bells now, so it's just starting there.
40:27Yeah.
40:29Oh, my God, I think he's here.
40:31I think he's here.
40:31Oh, God, here we go.
40:34What a grand entrance, eh, mate?
40:38Fashionably late.
40:40Let's pull up here.
40:44Well, we made it.
40:46Woo!
40:52Thanks, ladies and gentlemen, for turning.
40:54What a turnout.
40:54What lovely people you are.
40:56Enjoy your day.
40:57Just have a mooch about.
40:59And with that, I got down to selling.
41:01Well, kind of.
41:04There you go.
41:06Yeah, I love it, mate.
41:11There you go.
41:15My girlfriend's seen your willy.
41:17Don't say that, mate.
41:18For fuck's sake.
41:19She used to babysit you.
41:21No way.
41:22After that revelation, I finally got down to the job in hand.
41:27So you're showing some people around.
41:29It's everything we've got for sale.
41:30All the caravans on this side, all the chalets on that side.
41:33These are all the open day specials.
41:34They're all heavily discounted for today.
41:36You go over there.
41:37And I think we're going to go over nuts in a second, aren't we?
41:40What?
41:40So we'll split up.
41:42What was it again?
41:43Er.
41:43Dun.
41:44I forgot.
41:45Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, innit?
41:47Dun, bum.
41:49Nuts.
41:49Nuts.
41:50Go on, fuck up.
41:51Go on.
41:55We attracted a decent crowd.
41:57But the big question was, could we actually sell anything?
42:03Oh, I love the lemon tree.
42:05You looking to get another caravans?
42:07Is that what it is?
42:07I think so, yeah.
42:08But this would be perfect.
42:10I don't think people have just come down here for the sake of it.
42:12I do think people have a genuine interest.
42:17I prefer this one.
42:18I like that one.
42:20But I know you can buy it for rounds.
42:21I can't get down here.
42:22Yeah, it's a bit more dough.
42:23Yeah.
42:24Yeah.
42:24You know, it's come to some sort of deal.
42:26Okay.
42:26I'm not trying to just sell a dream to people that can't afford it.
42:29If anything, I want it to be affordable.
42:32Don't look at the yard sale.
42:33It's about proper people who are sort of interested.
42:37Let them get a feel for the place, you know?
42:39Look, drawers.
42:40Look at this.
42:41Oh, no.
42:41No.
42:42What's the matter with that drawer?
42:44You know what that is?
42:45That's a Jekyll drawer.
42:46Look.
42:47I think this is the hardest part.
42:49If two people buy a caravan, then it was worth doing.
42:51That's all I can say.
42:52If I've done all this and everyone just fucks off and I've had a photo with me, then it's been
42:59a bit of a disaster.
43:00Let's have it right.
43:02Hello.
43:02Hello.
43:03Nice to see you.
43:04Meanwhile, the residents were doing their own bit to fill those empty plots.
43:08I would say once you've spent a night or two here, you get addicted.
43:13Yes.
43:14Yeah, you do.
43:15I mean, I come one Sunday afternoon just for a drive, bought a caravan.
43:19That was 20 years ago.
43:20When are you going to buy it?
43:23What's up?
43:28We'd had a busy day and I'd been told to wrap things up.
43:32Thank you very much.
43:33See you for Danny Dyer.
43:34Thank you everyone for coming.
43:35All amazing people.
43:36Thank you so much for this turnout.
43:38We didn't think we'd have it today.
43:39So, thank you so much.
43:44As the last of the guests began to leave the park, I was escorted to the office.
43:54Hello.
43:55This is Liz, Liz's family.
43:59Bought to Riverwood.
44:00Yeah.
44:00You and?
44:01Yeah, we have.
44:02We have.
44:03Come here.
44:04Come here.
44:06This is amazing news.
44:08I'm so happy for you.
44:09Yeah.
44:09We are too.
44:10We are too.
44:11Yeah, beautiful.
44:12And the view.
44:13Gorgeous.
44:14Congratulations.
44:15Yeah, see you later.
44:16Oh, what a touch.
44:18And armed with this and even more good news, I went off to find my Danny.
44:25Oh, here he is.
44:27I thought I'd been on my feet all day.
44:29I know, we have.
44:31You pulled it out of the bag, I'm so proud of you.
44:34But I've got some news.
44:35Hold on.
44:39We've sold two shallows.
44:42Stop.
44:44Sold a caravan.
44:47And we've sold the Riverwood.
44:49No, stop it.
44:52We've done it.
44:54Shut up.
44:55They've seen the charm that we see.
44:57Do you know what I mean?
44:58Because it is lovely.
44:59I love it.
45:00Well done, darling.
45:01Bump.
45:02Bump.
45:03Nuts.
45:04There you fucking go.
45:08We'd only been in the caravan game a few months, but things were starting to look rosy.
45:15Shit.
45:18Dany married a man I love more than her, West Ham captain, Jared Bowen.
45:27And to top it all off a month later, we entered the Lay's Down Parade with our carnival queen for
45:33the first time in two decades.
45:35Keep getting off your tits, ladies and gentlemen. We're celebrating.
45:39Priory Hill.
45:40Well, we won it.
45:41Yeah, you did.
45:42Yeah.
45:45Big dogs are coming through. Hang on. What's the road?
45:48That's the first of many. That is. Don't worry about that.
45:54It felt like we were finally winning over the good folk of Sheppie.
46:01Next time, we go beer tasting to freshen up the bar menu.
46:05I don't know what I'm getting, though. Pissed.
46:07We hold some auditions in hope of bolstering our entertainment slate.
46:11What's a bad night here?
46:12Ten.
46:13It's hard work for them.
46:14And now I'm stuck.
46:15Oh, God. You're really in there.
46:17And we call on an old friend to help us pull it off.
46:20To a favorite day.
46:33I found a way long ago.
46:39It's a long way down Holiday Road.
46:44Holiday Road.
46:48Holiday Road Road.
46:50Holiday Road Road.
46:54fellows.
46:56Laurie Hill.
46:56You
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