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00:00I want to thank you for allowing me to use USAG Strubstorf to announce my candidacy for
00:16Burr-Meister. And you can thank me personally once you are the Burger-easter.
00:22Do we know why she wants to announce her candidacy here? It's pretty obvious.
00:28What? Like you know when a woman leaves an earring at a guy's apartment? That's her
00:32version. She needs to prance in here looking fine in that pantsuit for me.
00:35What is it with you in pantsuits? Come on, they're monochrome, buttons in all the right places,
00:41they leave nothing in the imagination, although I'm still leaving my imagination.
00:46Katya is not here to flirt with you. Oh really? She hasn't even talked to you in like three months.
00:52Maggie, you don't know women the way that I know women.
00:54I don't know what she's saying. She said something about boy bands, maybe?
01:04I don't. Unbelievable, you guys. Learn the language. Okay. She's saying...
01:10I heard, I heard giraffe. Oh, really? You heard? Why would she be talking about? Jan,
01:14can you translate? Because I don't want to miss any compliments.
01:16This is back. Affle container. So she said that she discovered that the colonels closed the base's
01:23bowling alley. Bowling ban? The bowling alley was the heartbeat of Stroopstorff village.
01:29And she vows to fight the American oppressors who introduced the sport to the villages only to rip it
01:34away like heartless savages. This is an ambush. You know, don't worry about it. The people here love the
01:40base. We have the Yuli. USA. See? Nah, your goose is cooked. Yeah. She just asked,
01:46who do you hate? Everyone hates you.
02:10Hey, Kaja. Listen, I know you're mad at me. And I know why. Because you need to hear a couple of
02:19words from me. I'm so very willing to take you back. Okay? So, clean slate. Start over. And can you
02:31just get up there now and call the dogs off? All right? Your absolute non-apology is meaningless.
02:39You exploited our relationship and my trust. Why would I take you back? Because women do it all
02:45the time. Normally with me. Patrick? What? I have too much self-respect to be in a relationship with
02:51you again. But this pantsuit? Yeah? Yeah, this was for them, not for you.
03:01Yeah, okay. Wow. Did she see that? Yeah. Embarrassing. She's still so in love with me. It's
03:08unbelievable. Yeah, it's certainly embarrassing. And did you catch the pantsuit? You know what I'm
03:13saying now? I mean, I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave. Okay, we've got to start
03:17creating boundaries.
03:23Oh, my God. Look at this Kaja announcement. The comments are insane. People are saying the bowling
03:27alley was considered a sacred third space. Yeah. I mean, if I'd known that, I would have closed it a lot
03:31sooner. And that is why they call you the doivel. You know what? I've been called the devil in six
03:38different languages. I'm proud to add a seventh. Just a suggestion. But maybe you could consider
03:44focusing on deescalating the situation. Honey, that's not a real thing. I know it's a word,
03:50but it's not a real thing. Words are words because they are things. In the U.S. military,
03:54we do not deescalate. We escalate and escalate until we can't escalate anymore. Somebody wins,
04:00somebody loses. In this case, she lost. She lost something. She'll never be able to get back again.
04:05That's what happened to her. You? Moa. That's why she's lashing out. That's why I have to escalate
04:10before she escalates. Ah! Did you see that? Escalation.
04:20I love how Maggie decorated this place. You know what? I don't know if it's the runner's eye,
04:24but let's split a croissant. What? A carby, messy breakfast? I don't recognize my own husband.
04:31Ah. Is everything okay? Yes and no. There's something I need to talk to you about. When we
04:43were separated, I made what, in hindsight, were some questionable financial decisions,
04:50because I was in a lot of pain. Like how much pain? I bought a boat with Terrence. The guy you
04:55dated for like three months? Yeah. Okay, but you don't even sail. I don't. I was just using it for
05:01recreational activities. Like water skiing? Like recreational activities on a boat. Oh my god,
05:10a sex boat? I was in a bad place, okay? You think? I was in a weird time in my life. Yeah. I watched a lot of
05:17Is It Cake? on the dark web, and when it's not cake, you really wish it were cake. Okay, so what's the
05:24interest rate? Four. Four. Forty. Forty percent. Fine, this is my problem. My debt. I'm gonna handle it.
05:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If we're gonna make it work, we have to be a team this time, okay?
05:37Okay. We're gonna pay it off together ASAP. Wow. You really are the best. You are the best.
05:42And I can make smarter money choices. Like this coffee. I don't need fancy, expensive coffees.
05:47I'm gonna try matcha. Right now? Thanks. Oh, hey, Conway,
05:53if you got any one of those hustles going on, provided it's completely legal,
05:57count me possibly in. Look, I just don't work with friends. Good luck, though.
06:02Yo, Shaw, I couldn't help but overhear about your money troubles with your wife's sex boat.
06:07Okay, Corporal, could you please stop saying sex boat? Pleasure cruise, bang raft,
06:12rub and tug boat? One more, and you're in the stockade.
06:14Well, you're lucky I only had those. Look, I have always wanted to do one of Conway's schemes.
06:19Guess what? We don't need her. I know one of her contacts. His name starts with a B or something.
06:24Either way, he's a transport pilot. Dude will hook me up at cost. No import fees or taxes. I am talking
06:29wine. Watches, sneakers, salamis. Set up a meeting if you want. They had a lot of different matchas,
06:34so I got one of each. Let's set up that meeting. Okay. What are you doing? Getting too close.
06:43Haven't you ever tailed a kid before? No. He's definitely a child soldier. Look at the unpredictable
06:47path he's taken. That's called skipping. No, it's called him being on a recon mission.
06:52Bram, what do you do? What the hell is this? It's the town farmer's market. It must have really
06:57expanded. What are you doing on U.S. property, huh? We use the bathrooms over here. Oh, great,
07:02great. So you hate us, but you come over here to use our bathrooms. Let me tell you something.
07:05America didn't become the number one country in the history of countries just so you could go number
07:10two wherever you want. America's only number one in obesity and health care costs. Hey,
07:15and roller coasters. Yeah, and roller coasters. So get the hell out of here. Back in through the
07:19hole. Tell your friends if they come near this hole, I'm going to shoot them.
07:26Yeah, that's right, kid. I'm the devil. Go tell your parents.
07:31All right, what do we got? Watches, purses, salamis. Even better.
07:35Lobsters. What? Bougie, right?
07:42What are you doing? You never mentioned live animals. Okay, when lobsters die,
07:46they're worthless. What are we going to do now? Well, step number one, we're going to relax.
07:51Oh, we're going to relax. Okay? We're going to be fine.
07:53We're going to be fine. Selling these lobsters. How?
07:55This is going to be as easy as selling lobsters to a, to a, I don't know. Yeah.
08:02Man, I don't know who to sell them to. I don't know how to sell them. Okay,
08:05this could be easier. It could be very, very hard. I don't even know how to cook the things.
08:08All right? Okay.
08:09I don't know what I'm doing, man. I'm way into where I am.
08:12Okay, listen, as a reasonable person who's grounded in reality.
08:15That's what we need right now. Yep.
08:17I am spinning. And I am out.
08:19No, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man. I don't get your half. That guy's breaking my legs.
08:24He's not going to break your legs.
08:28He's definitely going to break your legs.
08:30You're the logistics genius. Okay, okay.
08:35Lobsters. Lobster fest. Red lobster. Rock lobster. Surf and turf. Market price.
08:41Market price. Farmer's market. That's it. We can sell them at the farmer's market.
08:44Oh! The base. We can unload them today.
08:47Dude. I don't know why you're worrying so much, man.
08:50Okay, I'm a genius. Genius.
08:52Here we go. Here's my half of the lobster money.
08:54Emergency meeting in the conference room right now.
08:56That godforsaken farmer's market has got to go.
09:00You legally committed. You're right. Touch the lobster.
09:05You know, they call us names, they treat us like the enemy,
09:07but then they want to come over here and use our quilted American toilet paper.
09:11I don't think so.
09:12Well, in reality, they're probably just using our bidets.
09:14You're telling me they come over here to wash their asses?
09:16You gotta be kidding me. They want an enemy. They got an enemy now.
09:24But it is just a farmer's market. Yeah.
09:27Where you can buy vegetables, fruit, and very fresh, reasonably priced seafood.
09:32Anybody else craving a lobster roll?
09:33Yeah, me. I am.
09:35Does Katja really think we're just gonna stand here and take this crap?
09:38I mean, we could.
09:39No, no, no. You know what this means, right?
09:41Well, it means that we could come to a mutually agreed upon solution
09:44with our international partners.
09:46That's a good idea.
09:46What a team. That's a good idea.
09:47Father and daughter advocate.
09:48Yeah, I like that.
09:49What a team.
09:49Quint!
09:50Quint, quint, quint, quint.
09:51Or, just playing Dweevil's advocate, we can go to war.
09:56So I think...
09:59War.
09:59War.
10:00Yeah.
10:01War.
10:02Prepare for war.
10:11You've moved past war right into the realm of war crimes.
10:14What are you talking about?
10:15This is very important smoke screen training that we do every year.
10:18Private someone? Unleash hell.
10:22It's not tear gas or anything, just a little smoke and barely burns.
10:26And you know, it's a very important exercise.
10:28But once it's up in the air and the wind takes over,
10:30there's nothing I can really do about it.
10:32And that is how you escalate.
10:48Oh, yeah.
10:49Fire another one.
10:52Hello, I am going to be speaking in English in a way that the Americans will understand.
10:58So, the people of Struppsdorf are, like, really, like, united.
11:04And we are literally declaring an embargo on the base, y'all.
11:10Our town will no longer sell fruit, produce, meat, milk, or eggs to the base.
11:17All you will be left with is your American slop.
11:20So, eat up, you partially hydrogenated little piggies.
11:25Are you excited?
11:27I'm obsessed.
11:29So, she just said, eat up, you American piggies.
11:32I understand English, Yon.
11:33Well, good.
11:34Good.
11:34Then you understand how bad this is.
11:37It's okay.
11:38We're equipped for this.
11:43We are not equipped for this.
11:45I have gotten these soldiers used to a Michelin star level of dining.
11:48And now the chefs refuse to cook their dishes without the finest,
11:51precious ingredients.
11:53So, I had no choice.
11:55We're serving MREs.
11:56It's ceviche Saturday, and now I'm eating Southwest surprise chunks?
12:03Surprise.
12:04The chunks are sharp.
12:06I need another vomit bucket.
12:08Okay.
12:09Hey, now will you let me deescalate this?
12:13Listen, I also know Katya personally, and I feel like I can make some real headway if I come to her on a human level,
12:20which obviously you're not able to do because you are inhuman.
12:23I studied this in college, okay?
12:26So, I'd like to put it into practice.
12:28The problem with these soldiers is they're not tough enough.
12:30Mm.
12:31That's the real issue.
12:36But you are tough enough, right?
12:38Oh, yeah.
12:39This is stuff that soldiers are supposed to be eating.
12:41MREs.
12:50Oh, go talk to her.
12:52Okay, yeah.
12:52Oh, my God.
12:54Yeah, that's the worst thing I've ever had.
12:55Okay, thank you.
12:55At least get her to let some hot sauce in.
12:57Oh, my.
13:00PH balance looks good.
13:01Now we just got to keep these babies alive until that river cruise ship docks on Cologne for the weekend.
13:05Old people love a soft meat.
13:07Now, historically, I'm not great at keeping secrets, but this time I am going to do it.
13:11Okay, well, what about your new roommate?
13:12He's really struggling.
13:14Yeah, but since he transferred from Baumholder, I can tell from reading his journal.
13:17It's all, I don't think Papadex likes me.
13:19I don't think Papadex respects me.
13:21I think Papadex is reading my diary.
13:22It's worrying.
13:23No, no, no, no.
13:23I meant, can we trust him?
13:25Probably not.
13:26Oh, hey, uh, Specialist Gideon.
13:30Here he is.
13:31Keeping live animals in the barracks is against the rules.
13:33My God, this guy is such a narc.
13:35Okay, nobody's a narc.
13:36Nobody's a narc.
13:38Oh, no, I'm a narc.
13:39Okay, don't need to prove it.
13:41Um, how are we going to make this okay?
13:43What do you need?
13:45I want a lobster.
13:47Okay, okay, like to eat?
13:48What?
13:49No, to raise.
13:51Let's get him a lobster.
13:52Fine.
13:54Take Darren.
13:58You'll never be his real dad.
14:00Don't say that.
14:00I should have let that guy break your legs.
14:05Katya.
14:08Hi.
14:10I'm here to negotiate a truce with you.
14:13But, you know, we could get to the bottom of this as ladies.
14:16As a couple of ladies.
14:18Yeah.
14:19We cannot let our marginalization as women be weaponized in the interest of the American empire.
14:26Be that as it may, I know neither of us wants this whole thing to get ugly.
14:30And we also know how crazy my dad can get.
14:33I mean, he thought you sent like a child soldier to the base the other day.
14:37I did.
14:39Sorry.
14:39What?
14:39Well, he was my tool to provoke a response.
14:43Your father acting the villain made me the hero.
14:47Are you saying that your goal was to escalate the situation?
14:51Of course.
14:53What else is there?
14:55Wow.
14:55You guys were really perfect together.
14:57No, he is the enemy.
14:58No, see, that's the thing.
15:00We're not the enemy.
15:01I mean, between us non-marginalized ladies, the base really brings more value to the community
15:06than it even does to the U.S. military.
15:08So, in other words, it's useless?
15:12Well, uh...
15:22Why are we laughing?
15:23Because I had somebody from the local government look at the original agreement
15:28between the U.S. government and the town of Strubsdorf,
15:31and he found something in the small print, and it says,
15:35if the base is rendered useless, it shall be returned to the Dutch people.
15:40Well, actually, jokes that you have to explain are not that funny.
15:44We are not going to stop at the farmer's market.
15:48We're going to take back the whole base.
15:51Well, I...
15:57You're telling me Katja wants to take back the base?
16:00Yes.
16:00Oh.
16:01I know, but I am going to fix it.
16:02I've got a lot of ideas.
16:04Oh, you have a lot of ideas how to keep me from becoming the first U.S. military leader
16:09in history to lose land in Europe.
16:11That's what you're telling me?
16:13Your diplomacy thing is done.
16:14You know what's happening?
16:16They're moving the farmer's market to the town square.
16:18We are going to storm it and get our goods back, okay?
16:20So, what I need from you right now is not ideas.
16:22I need four tanks.
16:23Open up. I know you're hiding shellfish in there.
16:31Oh, so you tried to pull a con without Conway?
16:35This is the most amateur lobster smuggling I've ever seen.
16:38I expected more from you, Shaw.
16:40Yeah, so did I. I'm surprising myself.
16:42I just wanted a fresh start for Celeste and I,
16:44and I figured if I can move these lobsters, we have a chance.
16:49Wow, we are not in this for the same reasons.
16:51Of course, I'll help you, Shaw. For 50% of the profits.
16:54Wait, 50%?
16:56I could have gotten money.
16:57Of course, I'm the only one who can fix this.
16:59You have all the power when you have the ear of the person at bow.
17:05Why aren't you out solving this farmer's market crisis?
17:07It involves all the things you love.
17:09Communication, soft power, fresh honey.
17:12Yeah, true.
17:14Honey never goes bad.
17:16You know, I've already tried and failed at making peace,
17:19and my dad trusted me to do it my way,
17:22and now he is never going to trust me again.
17:24Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
17:27No one's good at anything their first time,
17:29especially my high school girlfriend.
17:31I mean, you would think because we have the same parts
17:33that it wouldn't feel like she was looking for her keys
17:35at the bottom of her purse.
17:36But it did.
17:38That breakup was ugly.
17:39Like Katja and my dad.
17:41Mmm.
17:45I need to get them to really talk.
17:46I should call my ex.
17:48I've been trying to solve the wrong problem the whole time.
17:50I mean, she has to be better at it by now, right?
17:53Right.
17:54Right.
17:55Look, anyways, you get out there,
17:56and you let your diplomat flag fly, okay?
17:59Yes.
18:00Okay.
18:01Hoot this.
18:06Katja, a moment.
18:07You know, they sell blow dryers on every street corner.
18:10Okay.
18:11You know, shutting down the base hurts you.
18:14This embargo hurts you.
18:16And moving forward with the fine print
18:18is mutually assured destruction.
18:20Well, sometimes you need to be broken down
18:22to be built back up, like I...
18:24Like my father in the bedroom.
18:26Yeah, I got it.
18:27These are your poll numbers, okay?
18:30You see, the people aren't really blaming my dad
18:33for closing the farmer's market.
18:34They're blaming you.
18:36You need to talk to me.
18:38Well, not me, exactly.
18:40Okay, I will not eat Indian food,
18:43too much curry, not enough ketchup.
18:45Dad, sit.
18:46I brought the ketchup.
18:49There is not a problem between the base and the town.
18:53There is a problem between the two of you,
18:54and we are not leaving this table
18:56until you two figure out how to get over this breakup
18:59without causing an international incident.
19:05And if you don't start talking,
19:06I will have to escalate with the king of heartbreak,
19:10Phil Collins.
19:12Play, take a look at me now.
19:13No, no, no, no, no.
19:14No, please, we'll talk.
19:15We'll talk.
19:19I did wear the pantsuit for you.
19:26She says she's proud to announce that the farmer's market
19:29and the base came to a resolution.
19:31They will give land to the town,
19:33and the town will give new land to the beds.
19:35And now, rather than standing on borrowed ground,
19:37we once again stand on Dutch soil.
19:40Oof!
19:40How joyous.
19:41Okay, I'm gonna get a smoothie.
19:42And thank you, Colonel Quinn.
19:45And I ask you all to please support my candidacy for Buhermeister.
19:48So, is this good for us?
19:52I think Katja's gonna win in a landslide.
19:55How do you like your new territory?
19:57First American military leader to gain land in Europe
20:00and gives them back, too, but the press release won't get that far.
20:03I mean, listen, we got a plum tree,
20:05and they got a little piece of land with a broken sewage system,
20:09because they flushed a bunch of our MREs down in their toilets.
20:12I couldn't resist.
20:13It's basically like southwestern cement.
20:15And I gotta say, you know what?
20:17You really would make a great politician.
20:19Really?
20:19Yeah, you're really good at dealing with difficult people like...
20:23Katja, you know?
20:24Yeah, well, I have to admit,
20:26there really was something to the whole, uh, escalation thing after all.
20:31Oh, God, that Phil Collins thing was just brutal.
20:34These are so good.
20:35Really?
20:35Mm-hmm.
20:36Laundry, cheese, plums.
20:38I like the sound of it.
20:42Two lobsters, please.
20:46Right away.
20:47You got it.
20:49There you go.
20:51Very welcome.
20:51Oh, I love kids when they have money.
20:54So, do you keep getting back together with Celeste because she's a fun mess?
20:58You like to clean up?
21:00No.
21:02Maybe.
21:03I don't know.
21:03Codependency is the strongest form of a relationship.
21:06It's how we work, okay?
21:07She makes things interesting, and I like to feel needed.
21:11Okay.
21:12Well, at least the cadence sounded healthy.
21:15Yo, as soon as I figure out the exchange rate, we might be rich.
21:19And we just sold our last 20 lobsters.
21:21Yes!
21:22Ah, yes!
21:26A party at our house to celebrate all the money we made.
21:31As soon as I just bought 20 lobsters.
21:36It's going so well!
21:37And we're going to find some BLP shopper.
21:50But let me just take a look and see if solid is kept steady.
21:52And finally, move on whole the house of 2002 because everything is just hard.
21:54That doesn't involve you?
21:55Absolutely.
21:56Yeah, that's fantastic.
21:56I'm going to voice a bit over.
21:58How are things for today?
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