00:00Unfortunately, there's a story involving San Diego Padres pitcher Matt Waldron.
00:04I've never heard the name Matt Waldron. I know nothing about him. I'm not going to claim to know him.
00:08I don't know if he's a lefty or righty, a relief pitcher, starting pitcher, nor do I care.
00:11But I do care about the announcement that the Padres made yesterday
00:14that their pitcher Matt Waldron is out indefinitely with, and this is their quote, not mine,
00:21ass infection. Yeah. Yeah, an infection in his rear end.
00:26Yes. There you go. So I believe it stems from a bad case of hemorrhoids.
00:31Yes. And unfortunately, I have had similar experience.
00:35Oh, wow. To the point where I had surgery.
00:38He is also, they have announced, having a surgery for hemorrhoids.
00:42And I'm telling you that the next two weeks of Matt Waldron's life are going to be a living hell.
00:47Oh, no. I am very stoic when it comes to pain. I've had surgeries. I've had injuries.
00:51And one of the things I'm known for in these parts over here, cowboy, is that I'm stoic when it
00:56comes to pain.
00:58And I went, I had a hemorrhoid, right?
00:59Yeah.
01:00And I had what they call thrombosed hemorrhoid, meaning blood gets into it, and it never goes back down.
01:05I don't care how much preparation aid you use.
01:07You keep putting it away. It keeps popping its head out going, somebody say lunch.
01:12Like, it's very uncomfortable, okay?
01:14Yeah.
01:15So I go to the ass doctor, and that's what Matt Waldron just did.
01:19And they're like, look, you have a hemorrhoid. It's thrombosed. It's infected. We have to cut it out.
01:25Yeah.
01:25Now, you've heard stories about how they take rubber bands sometimes, and they run rubber bands around and tie it
01:30off.
01:31Blood stops getting to it. Eventually, it dies off.
01:33And one day, you wake up with a little hinky in your pants. All right?
01:36Well, that's what I thought they did. Like, horses.
01:39It's like an umbilical cord.
01:39I thought they did that to, like, horses, not people.
01:41People. They rub rubber bands around it. It's like an umbilical cord. Eventually, it just falls off.
01:46Yeah, it falls off.
01:46Adds a piece of skin, right? Disgusting.
01:49But if you get to a certain level, like I got to and Matt Waldron have got to, they go
01:53with a knife.
01:54Now, I hope Matt Waldron has a different experience than I had right before they knocked me out.
02:01Because right before they knocked me out, the anesthesiologist, good guy, tough guy, too, like, tatted up the whole thing.
02:08Yeah.
02:08Right? Right before they're about to give me the gas and knock me out, he changed his voice on me.
02:14Oh, no.
02:15And he goes, ass is up.
02:17And I...
02:18Come on.
02:19I thought...
02:20Oh, my God.
02:22What are you doing?
02:23What is happening?
02:24I thought you were being real with this story.
02:27I'm being freaked out.
02:28Right now?
02:29So now you're freaked out.
02:30Yeah.
02:31But I was knocked out, like, right away.
02:34Long story short, it is living hell.
02:36Because your brain's sounding like you got to go to the bathroom.
02:39Your mind's sounding like you don't go to the bathroom.
02:40Your heart's sounding like you don't go to the bathroom.
02:41That being said, it's two weeks.
02:43Living hell.
02:45Not good at all.
02:47I wore an adult diaper for a week and a half.
02:50Oh, no.
02:50Because there's some drainage issues that happened.
02:53Did you go back to work?
02:53I did not miss a single day of work.
02:56And I did my job wearing an adult diaper.
02:59Well, he's going to miss time.
03:00He has to miss time.
03:00Apparently, you can't really pitch with the supporters at all.
03:03He's out for at least two weeks.
03:04Right.
03:04And this is spring training.
03:06He's going to have to recover.
03:07And unfortunately for Matt Waldron, look, this type of injury and this type of announcement
03:15becomes your calling card.
03:17This is now your legacy.
03:18For example, you're not old enough to remember this, I don't think, Tyrone.
03:22When I say the name George Brett to people my age, two things come up.
03:27Pine tar.
03:28That's the only one I know about.
03:29I just know about the pine tar.
03:30And the fact that he missed games with a hemorrhoid.
03:33Oh.
03:33And I think he missed World Series games.
03:35Or maybe he played World Series games with a hemorrhoid.
03:39Because it was that bad.
03:40Because he needed surgery.
03:41Yeah.
03:42But I guess he played in the World Series or the ALCS against the Yankees with a hemorrhoid
03:47situation and had surgery after the season or something like that.
03:50But I can tell you that Matt Waldron, do not pick him up on your fantasy team.
03:54Because that dude is not playing for a couple weeks.
03:59But I can tell you the thing that bothers me the most about it, Tyrone.
04:02If you're the San Diego Padres.
04:04Yeah.
04:04And you know when you announce that the dude's got an infected ass.
04:08That that's going to follow him for the rest of his life, right?
04:10Yeah.
04:10Oh, you're the infected ass guy.
04:12You got the cooties.
04:13Yeah.
04:13Couldn't you have just said Matt Waldron's out with an injury to his lower half?
04:19Lower body.
04:19Lower body injury.
04:21Yeah.
04:21He'll be back in two weeks.
04:22Yeah.
04:23They embarrassed him.
04:24And now it follows him for life.
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