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00:05Hello, my name is Paul Carfe.
00:09Next Saturday, my sister Pauline is marrying a Greek bloke called Spiros,
00:13and I've got to get her a wedding present.
00:16Now, I was going to get her a complete silver service dinner set,
00:20but me supplier no longer works at the Crown Thistle Hotel.
00:23He's currently resident at Risley Romance Centre,
00:26where the cutlery is plastic for obvious reasons.
00:29Then I thought, I know, I'll make a special effort,
00:32you know, do something personal,
00:34and I decided to redecorate a bedroom.
00:36But in the end, I couldn't be arsed.
00:39So, instead, I've borrowed this video camera from me mate Fat Bob.
00:44He borrowed it from his mate, Mr Rumbelow.
00:47So, Pauline, this is my wedding present to you.
00:50It's a video diary of not only the ceremony,
00:53but all those topsy-turvy things that happen
00:57when you marry a Greek bloke called Spiros.
00:59I'm not betting, but I'm sure he's very nice.
01:06He might be a right swat.
01:08You know, you don't know, do you until you've met him?
01:11Anyway, enjoy the video.
01:13Pauline, I'm doing oven chips and beans. Do you want some?
01:16We had that yesterday.
01:17I thought you liked it.
01:19There's a sausage in the fridge.
01:20No, ever since she met Spiros on holiday, she's gone all la-di-da.
01:24I'm not having egg butchies, I'm having an omelette.
01:28I meant something exotic.
01:30Shall I open a tin of pineapple rings?
01:31No, I meant something like moussaka, something Greek.
01:37Are you looking at me tits?
01:39Fat Bob's looking at me tits.
01:42Here comes the bride, what's she trying to hide?
01:46There's something in the oven, is it mother's bride?
01:49What do you think?
01:50You can't work white, that's fraud.
01:53You can't walk around with your head stuck up your arse, but you manage it.
01:56Watch your bleeding language.
01:58You're quiet, Fat Bob. What do you think?
02:00You're like a movie star.
02:02Oh.
02:03Yeah, Charles Bronson.
02:05That'll be all the poor me and my.
02:06Come on, Fat Bob, go and get the door.
02:09Hurry up.
02:10All right.
02:11I say, what's she up to these days?
02:14She's doing teacher training or something, English language.
02:18What's the point of that?
02:19You do that every day, you might as well teach walking.
02:22Hiya!
02:25Hello, other Pauline.
02:27Hiya, Paul.
02:28Oh, look at you, you haven't changed a bit.
02:31You have?
02:32What happened to your demi-wave?
02:33Oh, Mark didn't like it.
02:35He said it looked tarty.
02:36There was nothing wrong with it, it was just like mine.
02:38Cup of tea?
02:39Please.
02:40I don't suppose you've got any chamomile?
02:42I'll go and have a look.
02:44Have we bollocks?
02:45Where's Mark?
02:46He's in the car waiting for your Paul and Bob.
02:48I thought you wanted to go to the airport.
02:50Yeah, we do.
02:51We're going now.
02:53How's the teaching going?
02:54Fine.
02:54Busy as a bee.
02:55Buzz, buzz, buzz.
02:56We haven't got any of that Caroline tea, but we've got a checklist.
03:00Er, no thanks.
03:01For the round ones.
03:02No, I'll just have a glass of water.
03:05Sit down, sit down.
03:07So come on then, tell us all about Zeus.
03:09Who?
03:10You know, this Greek god you met in Corfu.
03:12No, he's called Spiros.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Honest to God, Paul, and he's dead romantic.
03:16When I saw him that day, walking along the beach, slapping those women's arses, I thought,
03:20that's the man for me.
03:21Look, he got me this.
03:23For that, as a keepsake, you know, to remind me of him.
03:26Do where are Greeks bearing gifts?
03:27Yeah, like herpes.
03:29What time's his flight getting in?
03:30Now, and they'll be sat twiddling his thumbs at the airport if Paul and Bob don't get off
03:34the fat, lazy arses.
03:36Yeah, mine's not fat.
03:37Yeah, mine's not lazy.
03:39Well, go on then, what are you waiting for?
03:40Go and get him, I can't wait.
03:44Yeah, Pauline, your water.
03:46And I put a slice of apple in it.
03:50I'm sure I've met you somewhere before, Matt.
03:53You threatened to hit me about a year ago?
03:56So many faces, you know.
03:58At the Cinetech.
03:59Oh, aye, yeah, yeah.
04:01So what are you doing now, then?
04:03I teach English at St. Cuthbert's.
04:04I don't believe it.
04:05I was expelled from there in 1976.
04:07Bonfire night.
04:10Has it changed much since then?
04:12Well, they rebuilt it after the fire.
04:14Is, er, Nelson still there?
04:16Who?
04:17Nelson.
04:18Mr. Johnston, you know, boss I'd be a dicky.
04:20Er...
04:21No, no, no, no.
04:22He's not there anymore.
04:24He...
04:24He died.
04:25Hooray!
04:27What did he die of?
04:27P.O.?
04:29Actually, he was my father.
04:31I'm very sorry my dad didn't know.
04:36So, er, did you get his job?
04:41Yeah.
04:42Swings and roundabouts, innit?
04:43Yeah.
04:47So, you've got a Jag.
04:48Nice car.
04:51Yes, I like to think it's a little more distinguished than your average boy racer.
04:55Oh, aye, yeah.
04:56Well, it's a posh fanny magnet, innit it?
04:59Bet your Pauline likes it.
05:01Yeah, she loves it.
05:03Bet she does.
05:03All this leather.
05:05You know what they say, don't they, Bob?
05:07If you wanna pull a bird, buy a Jag.
05:10Cause there's room in the back for a Shag.
05:13Have you ever had a leg over there with your Pauline?
05:16Well, I can't deny there's been a few spicy moments.
05:19Oh.
05:21Come on, then, let's hear it.
05:22Well, you know how it is, boys.
05:23It can get pretty steamy.
05:25What does she do, then?
05:27I'm sure you can use your imagination.
05:34What does she do?
05:36Look.
05:36It's a private matter.
05:38It's between me and her.
05:39It's private.
05:40Okay?
05:42I'm sorry.
05:43I'm sorry.
05:44It's insensitive of me.
05:46Ill-mannered.
05:49She's still got that tattoo on her arse.
05:52What does he look like?
05:54Pauline says he looks like a Greek god.
05:56What does a Greek god look like, Mark?
05:58It's difficult to say, really.
06:00In Greek mythology, gods had the power to transform themselves.
06:04A swan, a winged horse.
06:06Fat bloke with a tash.
06:09Er...
06:09Spiros?
06:11Spiros?
06:11You are Spiros?
06:13Hey.
06:13Yeah.
06:14Ah.
06:15Welcome.
06:16Bob fat.
06:17Welcome.
06:18Welcome.
06:19Welcome.
06:20There you know.
06:21Get off.
06:23Sorry.
06:24Welcome.
06:24Welcome, Spiros.
06:25On behalf of all of the north of England.
06:27Welcome you to our culture.
06:30We're great fans of Greece.
06:31All the kebabs are topped.
06:33Thank you very much.
06:34No problem.
06:35Where is this video?
06:36Oh, that's it.
06:37For Pauline, the wedding video.
06:38Oh!
06:39Hello, Pauline.
06:40Where are your bags, Spiros?
06:41No excess baggage.
06:42That is my philosophy.
06:43One bag, one love, one nil.
06:46Wherever I lay my bag, that's my home.
06:48Marvin Gaye.
06:49How do I know?
06:49I hear it through the grapevine.
06:52Oh, yeah.
06:53Nice one.
06:53Nice one.
06:54This is Mark.
06:55He's going to be your best man.
06:56Hello, Mark.
06:57Thank you very much.
06:57Oh, it's my pleasure.
06:58Mark's going out with Pauline at the moment.
07:00You are?
07:01No, no.
07:01It's another Pauline.
07:03There's two Paulines.
07:04Two Pauline car.
07:04There's only one Pauline car.
07:06Look who it is.
07:07Darren, Clive.
07:08Hi.
07:08Hey.
07:09Where have you just come from?
07:11I've just come back from Carfu.
07:12Darren's been searched again.
07:14This is orthopedic shoe.
07:15We think it's stuffed with cocaine.
07:16What's this out of a bit of shoe?
07:18Look.
07:19Spiros, this is Clive.
07:21What?
07:21He's Pauline's ex-boyfriend.
07:23Well, one of them.
07:24Other Pauline.
07:25No, you're Pauline.
07:26Darren, you used to go out with Pauline as well, didn't you?
07:28Yeah.
07:29I think everyone has.
07:30And Mark's going out with other Pauline.
07:32I've been out with Pauline Carf and other Pauline.
07:37We all go back years, you know, me, Clive, Dad and Pat Bob all at school together.
07:42Hey, lads.
07:43Nelson's dead.
07:45Hey!
07:46Hey!
07:47Lads, lads.
07:48Sorry, lads.
07:49Nelson's Mark's dad.
07:50Sorry, Mark.
07:50Forgot.
07:51Yeah, Spiros.
07:53Clive's all right.
07:54That's one thing.
07:56It is copper.
07:57Oi!
07:58Didn't you used to work in that kebab shop in Otto?
08:00The one that burnt down.
08:01Abracababra.
08:02No.
08:04Well, my friends.
08:05Take me to my Aphrodite, eh?
08:07Have you got another bird on the side?
08:09That's a bit out of order.
08:09No, no, no.
08:10Aphrodite.
08:11It's Pauline.
08:11All right.
08:12Nickname.
08:12Yeah, nice one.
08:13See you, lads.
08:14Ta-da.
08:15So, er, you whisked our ballin' off my feet then?
08:17No, no, no.
08:18Pauline, she whisked me.
08:19Always me in the hotel room.
08:21Do it again, again, again.
08:23She says, Spiros, we do it again.
08:25No, Pauline, I cannot walk.
08:28She certainly is a feisty lady.
08:30She is a lady.
08:31A real lady.
08:32Yeah, well, fuck.
08:32Is she a lady?
08:34Is she an animal?
08:35Is she like a rabbit?
08:37Again, again, again.
08:39Yeah, I can imagine.
08:40No, you cannot imagine, Pauline.
08:42Being in bed with Pauline, I never sleep.
08:44Like being in bed with a big trill, big black and decker.
08:49Rrrr, rrrr, again, again.
08:51Hey!
08:52She thinks I have Duracell battery in trousers.
08:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:55All right, mate.
08:56We get the picture.
08:57I'm surprised you can stop her talking.
08:58She cannot talk when her mouth is full, eh?
09:00Hey, hey, hey!
09:01That is a private matter.
09:03It's between you and your privates.
09:06And Pauline's privates.
09:10It's a nice car, Mark.
09:12Where'd you get car?
09:13A classic car dealer.
09:14Hobson's on Mossway.
09:15Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:16I know it.
09:16Next to Texas home cab.
09:22Pauline, tell me about it.
09:25Hey!
09:26What are you doing?
09:27I lose contact lens.
09:28You're wearing glasses.
09:29I have very, very bad eyesight.
09:33Spiros, this is me, ma'am, Pat.
09:36Patricia.
09:37Now I know where Pauline gets her beauty.
09:40Yeah, all of it's in.
09:41Oh, I'm charmed.
09:42Would you like some pineapple rings?
09:44Eh, no, thank you.
09:45I eat on plain.
09:46Well, would you like some sherry or lager?
09:49Eh, no, thank you.
09:50All I want is my Pauline.
09:52Where is my Pauline?
09:53Eh, she's just powdering her nose.
09:56I'm coming!
10:03Ah, Pauline!
10:04You look more lovely now.
10:06Well, I'll show you to your rooms.
10:11Aw, he'll be tired after that long flight.
10:14He'll want to get his head down.
10:16He won't have much choice.
10:18Ta-da!
10:19Look at that!
10:20Eh?
10:20Worth getting married for, that ain't it?
10:22See this?
10:24Miniature Spiros.
10:25Slimline, of course.
10:26And I've put a little moustache on.
10:28See?
10:28With a felt tip.
10:30Right, you know.
10:30Right.
10:31And just nipping into town.
10:32Is he how you want?
10:33Er, yeah, just some nibbles.
10:35What about you, Bob?
10:36Wagon wheels.
10:37Yeah, wagon wheels.
10:38And, er, get some for the morning.
10:40Er, just get a load of wagon wheels.
10:43Right.
10:44So, I'm going to Atlan to buy an art.
10:47Then I'm going to the market to get some cheap plates for that Spiros.
10:50You know, in case the fancy takes him.
10:52With him being a Greek.
10:53No, I think I'll get paper plates and I'll let him rip them up.
10:57What do you think?
10:57Yeah, whatever.
10:58Right.
11:00Tra!
11:00See ya.
11:01See ya.
11:02Hey, Bob.
11:02Look at this.
11:04Paul, don't do that.
11:05What is up with you?
11:09I love Pauline.
11:12We all do.
11:13She's very popular.
11:15She makes a lot of people very happy.
11:17Pauline!
11:18But I don't see it as losing a sister.
11:19More that I'm, you know, gaining a Greek bloke from Kofu.
11:24But I...
11:25I love her like a man loves a woman.
11:27I want her to look at me the way I look at her.
11:29As an object of desire.
11:31I don't think she looks at you like that, Bob.
11:34How do you know?
11:35Trust me on this one.
11:36She might be thinking of me right now.
11:38She's not.
11:38She's thinking of Patrick Swayze.
11:40Take my word for it.
11:42You've got to let her go.
11:43I had to let Julie go now.
11:45She's with Tony.
11:46Probably wearing the city scarf.
11:47I bought her.
11:48I think that makes me feel.
11:50Cold.
11:50Yeah, cold inside.
11:54Look, you and me are going out of Cinderella's.
11:56There's bags of birds down there.
11:57They're all over 40 and divorced.
11:59You're just getting fussy now.
12:01In fact, er, Paul, erm...
12:04You got any...
12:05You got any fruit?
12:08I've got a tin of pineapple rings.
12:10Yeah, okay.
12:13Thanks.
12:18Paul, me and Pauline have done it.
12:20You what, when?
12:21Two weeks ago.
12:22Er, tin up in there.
12:23Sorry.
12:25Hi.
12:27It was fantastic.
12:29We made love at least six times every which way.
12:31We were lost in a secret world of ecstasy.
12:34What was this?
12:35On the night bus to Wattle.
12:37I'm...
12:37Pauline, er...
12:39She want to, er...
12:41borrow a video camera.
12:47Oh!
12:49No, again.
12:51Keep your eye on the fat bloke near the door.
12:54Ah!
12:55Oh, come on, Bob.
12:56It looks like you're doing it on purpose.
12:58I am.
12:59Look, there's 250 quid if this gets on telly.
13:01It's got to be like an accident, hasn't it?
13:04Just think about your 50 quid.
13:06What do you think?
13:08Brilliant!
13:08Doesn't look too tarty, does it?
13:10Oh, a dress could never look too tarty on you, Pauline.
13:12Oh, aren't you lovely.
13:14Have I hurt you?
13:14Yeah, you have.
13:15I'll get some peas.
13:16Oh!
13:17Pauline, can I borrow your Wonder Brown?
13:20Yeah, it's on the floor next to me bed.
13:22Did you have a good sleep?
13:23Yeah, yeah, thanks.
13:24He's covered in pineapple.
13:26There's a red one hanging up under the picture of Patrick Swayze.
13:30Which one?
13:31The one of him sweating in a vest.
13:32Hold that good to side your head.
13:34Right, Paul, I don't want you turning up ruining my hen night, right?
13:37So you can go where you like, but you're not to go in the dragon, the miller, the wheeler, the
13:40pelican, the cow's head,
13:41the loom, the falcon, the roebuck, Cromwell's fun pub, the partridge, the albion.
13:47Which one?
13:48Both.
13:49The gay gordon, the badger.
13:51Paul Mally's.
13:51Don't help her!
13:52Yeah, O'Mally's, the manor house, Neville's wine bout and the dog.
13:56Hey, don't forget Cinderella's.
13:58Oh, yeah, Cinderella's.
13:59Oh, where does that leave us?
14:01The dungeon.
14:02Paul's barred from there.
14:03Why?
14:03It's a student pub.
14:06Oh, there's the Pauline.
14:07All right, see you lads, have a good time.
14:09Remember, if you like it, do it.
14:11If you don't like it, do it.
14:12You might like it.
14:14Oh, look at him, like a little baby.
14:18With a moustache.
14:22Now, cup hold of that, push that knob and it goes in and out.
14:25Do you get it?
14:27Hey, look at that learner, that's a laughing.
14:29It is.
14:30He's about to drive them all like.
14:33Nigel Manson!
14:35Hey, do you remember what we used to call her at school?
14:38Chinzano.
14:39Any time, any place.
14:41Yeah, anywhere!
14:42All right.
14:43Anyway, it was Martini.
14:45Oh, look, truly it is Julie.
14:47All right, girl.
14:48Hi, Julie.
14:49It's not usual, but see you can lie.
14:51It's all Pauline, all right, Mrs. C?
14:53Don't ask him a fish.
14:55Hey, we'd better catch up then, aren't you?
14:58All right, Julie, you know other Pauline, don't you?
14:59Oh, yeah, all right.
15:00How's your fella Mark in there?
15:02That's right, he's great.
15:03How's your Tony?
15:04Lauren's well chuffed, yeah.
15:05I just got a new job working nights.
15:07Delivery man or something.
15:08Hey, well, he always had a nice package on him, didn't he?
15:10Sure.
15:10Julie!
15:12You know, Paul, he holds a torch for you still.
15:15That's not all he holds.
15:18Oh, listen, listen.
15:20He misses you.
15:21Do you miss him?
15:22Yeah.
15:23Like the throne.
15:24Oh, yeah!
15:26Hey, Pauline, I've just seen Darren.
15:28He's told me Nelson's dead.
15:30Hooray!
15:32Hooray!
15:33Hooray!
15:33He's a rock's dad, actually.
15:35Oh, yeah, sorry.
15:35We're there, fellas.
15:36Oh, excuse me.
15:37Is that a fireman I see over there?
15:40What's going on?
15:40Is there a fire?
15:41All right, ladies.
15:42All right, ladies.
15:43Don't panic.
15:44Everything is under control.
15:46Tony.
15:47Oh, shite.
15:48It's Tony.
15:49Hiya, Tony.
15:50I thought you were a delivery man.
15:51Are you a fireman?
15:52No.
15:53I don't understand.
15:54Well, it's just a costume.
15:54I'm a stripper gram.
15:55Don't believe me.
15:56You said you was a delivery man.
15:59Well, I'm on delivering goods.
16:00Oh, my God!
16:01Go on, then.
16:02Get on with it.
16:02I'm sorry.
16:03Well, it's a job I don't need, won't it?
16:04Pauline.
16:06Pauline Caff.
16:07Woman of desire.
16:08Like a melon.
16:09That is juicy and rye.
16:11Your passion is eternal fire.
16:14So, I've brought my big hose powder.
16:17I didn't make it.
16:18Like I say, I'm sorry, look.
16:20Let's go.
16:21Let's go.
16:22Let's see a bit more.
16:24Come on.
16:29Put your pants on and go home.
16:31Get him off.
16:32Give us all the shit out of him alone.
16:34He's doing now.
16:34He's going home.
16:35Oh, shut up, you.
16:37Get on with it.
16:38Get on with it.
16:38Get on with it.
16:39Get your knickers out.
16:40Come on.
16:40That's a good one, isn't it?
16:42I think it should've stopped to be in it.
16:44Oh, get your chopper out.
16:46Leave it home.
16:47He's got the sock shop in there.
16:50Show us your helmets.
16:51Oh, shut it.
16:52Shut it, you.
16:53You're just a bleeding slag.
16:55Harker Mother Teresa.
16:57Do you know your problem, Pauline?
16:58Your legs is like your mouth.
16:59Never shut.
17:00You can talk.
17:02You can't stop a pigging again, will you, slag?
17:04Oh, my God.
17:06Come on.
17:07Stop it.
17:08Stop it.
17:09Stop it.
17:09This is so tackly.
17:11You what?
17:11It is.
17:12It's just so crass.
17:13You pompous cow.
17:14You've got a couple of GCSEs and you think you're Ann Diamond.
17:17Yeah.
17:17I pity you two.
17:18It's like feminism never happened.
17:20Oh.
17:22You are dead.
17:23Come on.
17:24Hey, hey, come on.
17:26It's all over.
17:27There's nothing to say.
17:29I dare you can say that again.
17:37Pauline, it's the morning of the wedding.
17:40Even though you're marrying Spiros.
17:42I want you to know that's...
17:55Paul, Paul.
17:56I've just seen Spiros with all his stuff trying to break into Mark's car.
18:00And then this other car come along and then he ran back into the house.
18:03Julie.
18:04Julie.
18:05Julie.
18:06Julie.
18:07Julie.
18:09Julie.
18:09Oh.
18:09Sorry, love.
18:14Paul, it wasn't much cop last night, were it?
18:16What?
18:16The dungeon?
18:17Can you say that again?
18:18Never thought I'd be glad to see Darren with his dominoes.
18:22How much did Mark lose to Spiros?
18:24Paul, you know Spiros?
18:25Do you think there's something dodgy about it?
18:27Oh, ah, definitely.
18:29That tash, well dodgy.
18:30No, not that.
18:31I meant something dodgy.
18:31Well, have you seen me suit?
18:33Where did he have it last?
18:35Dad's funeral.
18:36Oh, no, I remember.
18:39We buried him in it.
18:40We wanted to give him some dignity.
18:41Yeah, it's important dignity.
18:44What did you wear?
18:46Michelle's suit, same as you.
18:47We carried the coffin, remember?
18:48Oh, yeah.
18:49Never get over it when your dad dies.
18:52You ever thought they're tracking yours down?
18:53I don't know where to start, mate.
18:55Prison records?
18:57Listen, mate, I'm going to have to borrow your suit.
18:59No way, I'm wearing it.
19:00All right then, all right then.
19:01When I turn off at the wedding and Pauline says to me,
19:04why on the most important day of my life do you look like a bag of shite?
19:07I say, because fat Bob won't lend me his suit.
19:09That's how much he thought of you.
19:11Take it.
19:12Come on, take it, take it.
19:14All right.
19:15Have the shirt off me back as well, would you?
19:17Might as well, complete the look.
19:20Hello, Pauline.
19:20We're all getting ready for the wedding, right?
19:23Now, Spiros is about to come into the bathroom
19:24to prepare himself for the big day.
19:27And you're going to see him at the church, you know,
19:29looking all Greek and handsome.
19:31It's a battle of the tash.
19:32But let's see what he looks like when he's rough as a buttered crutch.
19:36Spiros, the bathroom's free!
19:38Oh, Pauline.
19:39Right, mate.
19:40Yeah, that book on yours.
19:45I'm getting married in the morning.
19:48Ding dong, your bells are gonna ring.
19:51Pull out a stopper, make it a whopper.
19:55But get me to the church sometime.
20:00I'm getting married in the morning.
20:03I'm getting married in the morning.
20:04Ding dong, your bells are gonna ring.
20:06Pull out a stopper, make it a whopper.
20:10And get me to the church.
20:11All right.
20:12Yeah.
20:12Yeah, Steve.
20:13Yeah, got the stuff.
20:14Yep.
20:15See the airport tonight, ten o'clock.
20:17Sorted.
20:17You are.
20:18Hey, take it easy.
20:21Spiros, it's Fat Bob.
20:22Can I come in?
20:23I need a slash.
20:24Erm, I'm having shit.
20:26Yeah, don't give me no aggro.
20:27You're just a bleeding white boy.
20:29Yeah, nearly finished.
20:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:32You're all mouth, you soft-arse bag of shite.
20:37Yeah, all finished.
20:39Erm, just get rid of that.
20:43Spiros, what were you doing this morning outside with Mark's car?
20:46It's a clinic, huh?
20:47For a wedding.
20:50Are they drugs?
20:51You son twat.
20:53You keep your fat traps up and no one will get hurt.
20:55Pauline will.
20:56How would you like it if I cut your nose off and shoved it up your arse?
20:59You want that?
21:00No, I don't want that.
21:01You like that?
21:02No, I wouldn't like that.
21:03Right, then shut it and keep it shut.
21:06What are you doing there?
21:07Having a snog?
21:10Tell him we're playing a game.
21:12We're playing a game!
21:13You are a what game?
21:17Dominoes!
21:18Dominoes!
21:20Dominoes?
21:21Yeah, Greek custom on day of wedding.
21:25Play dominoes.
21:27In toilet.
21:29Right, well, hold it up.
21:31We're gonna be late.
21:32Spiros, I need the toilet.
21:44You're twenty minutes late.
21:46I'm going to have to be quite brisk with the service.
21:48Great, quick as you lie.
21:49Listen, while we're here, can I confess something?
21:51No.
21:52This is neither the time nor the place.
21:54Last Christmas I pissed in your petrol tank.
21:57Spiros and Pauline.
21:58Spiros.
21:59You have come together in this church
22:01so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love
22:04in the presence of the church's minister and this community.
22:07Use a smile, Julie.
22:08Christ abundantly blesses this love.
22:10Do you love me?
22:10He has already consecrated you in baptism.
22:12And now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament,
22:16so that you may assume the duties of marriage and mutual advice.
22:20Oink, oink.
22:21Can I smell bacon?
22:23Can I smell bullshit?
22:26Spiros and Pauline, I shall now ask you
22:29if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage
22:31and to state that there is no legal impediment to your marriage.
22:37Er...
22:38Nothing.
22:39Are you ready freely and without reservation
22:41to give yourselves to each other in marriage?
22:43I am.
22:44I am.
22:44Are you ready to love and honour each other as man and wife
22:47for the rest of your life?
22:48I am.
22:48I am.
22:49Are you ready to accept children lovingly from God
22:52and bring them off according to...
22:53I heard your fella turned up last night.
22:55What's his name?
22:56Pew Pew Barney McGrew Cuthbert Dibble Tony.
22:59That's it.
22:59Where is he now?
23:00Showing his arse to Indy Miller.
23:02Yeah, well, he's not my fella any more.
23:04I'm fed up a loser.
23:06Right, so what about you and me, then?
23:08Did you hear me right?
23:14Shite.
23:15I will.
23:17I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Pauline Lulu Carf,
23:22do take thee, Spiros Zoba Panathagiorgiados...
23:25I wonder what that's worth at Scrabble.
23:27...to have and to hold from this day forward,
23:30for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,
23:32in sickness and in health,
23:34to love and to cherish till death'lls do part.
23:37You have declared your consent before the church.
23:40May the Lord, in his goodness, strengthen your consent
23:42and fill you both with his blessing.
23:44What God has joined together, let no man have us on them.
23:47Oh, I'm sorry.
23:50Is that it?
23:58Come here.
24:00Hi.
24:01How's your dog?
24:01All right. Look, can we go soon?
24:03We've done our bit. Let's go.
24:04I can't go. I'm the best man.
24:06Anyway, I'm having a good time.
24:08What's wrong?
24:08I hate it.
24:09I hate Pauline.
24:10I hate her mum.
24:11I hate her dickhead brother.
24:12I hate this sodding dress.
24:14I look like Bo Bloody Pete.
24:15Well, hang on.
24:16What's up?
24:16These people are your friends, you know?
24:18They're good people.
24:19They have a real kind of folk simplicity I admire.
24:22They're harmless.
24:23She broke my bleeding arm.
24:25It's good, Gengroy,
24:26cos it's a sport, right?
24:27But you don't have to be athletic to be good at it.
24:30I'm going cheap from John Menzies.
24:31I'll get you one if you want.
24:33Can you run a cheque?
24:34Yeah, it's a white Mercedes.
24:36Registration number Lima 974 Hotel Yankee Hotel.
24:41You can finish mine if you want.
24:42Shut up, Darren.
24:44Reminds me of the day that I married her, Darren.
24:47Except, of course, he lives in uni.
24:49It looks so romantic.
24:52You know this ticket machine over his shoulder.
24:54She looks like a fairy princess.
24:57Gammon.
24:57That's what we are.
24:59Too salty.
25:00Chucked it down all day.
25:02Pauline's dad clobbered the priest, said he was eyeing me up.
25:06Someone peed in the font and the best man Terry tried to put his hand up his skirt.
25:11It's the happiest day of my life.
25:15Come here, little cow.
25:17I'll give you a thick ear.
25:20Kids, eh?
25:21You little tinker?
25:22Love kids.
25:24You are one.
25:25You are one.
25:25All right, pack it in.
25:27I didn't want to think we were going out with each other.
25:29Cheese!
25:33Do you love me?
25:34Yeah, of course I do.
25:35Say it.
25:36I love you.
25:38You swear?
25:39Yeah, I swear.
25:39On your mother's life?
25:40Yeah, yeah.
25:41Where is your mother's life?
25:43She did.
25:43Well, that's not good, is it?
25:45Swear on your life.
25:46I swear.
25:47Say it.
25:48I swear.
25:49On your life.
25:51Look at it.
25:51I swear on my life.
25:53Oh!
25:53Oh, my God!
25:56It's been shit!
25:59Spiros!
26:00Is he dead?
26:01Oh, Spiros!
26:02Get an ambulance!
26:05That's all I've got now.
26:07Memories.
26:08And his arse on video.
26:10Why?
26:11Why Spiros?
26:13Yeah.
26:14Could have been me.
26:15I know.
26:15It's so unfair.
26:17Come on, Portman.
26:17You've got to eat something.
26:19All right.
26:19I'll have corn a piece of extra icing.
26:24I knew.
26:25I knew there was something wrong the morning of the wedding.
26:27You know, when I sat on that Jaffa cake.
26:30It was an omen.
26:31I know.
26:32I know.
26:32I know.
26:34Salty gammon.
26:36Still, I always say that death brings out the best in people.
26:40I mean, Athlan.
26:41They changed my wedding hat for a black one.
26:43No problem.
26:45You've got to look on the positive side.
26:47I mean, you know, one day, sooner or later, we're all going to die.
26:51Where am I going to find a man like that again?
26:53Corfu.
26:54Who?
26:54Look, Pauline.
26:55You've got to let him go.
26:58He's gone.
27:00Look, there's something I've got to tell you about Spiros.
27:02Look, it's him.
27:03Like Neil Diamond.
27:05With a distance.
27:07Pull out a stopper.
27:09Make it a whopper.
27:11But give me to the church.
27:12Oh, my God!
27:14Look, can I have a little bastard?
27:16Bleeding hell.
27:20Hey, it's the police.
27:21You sure?
27:22Yeah, it's Clive and Lynch is with him.
27:25Oh, shit.
27:26Hang on, we haven't done anything wrong.
27:27Police muggle drugs.
27:28Oh.
27:29Oh, are you?
27:31Just act normal.
27:32No, no, you'll make them suspicious.
27:35Right, I'll talk to them.
27:36Bob, cut this.
27:39Ah, good morning, Sergeant Lynch.
27:40All right, Clive.
27:42May I take this opportunity to say our resplendent Her Majesty's Constabulary are looking this morning.
27:47And can I also apologise to you personally, Sergeant Lynch, for that altercation that took place between us last month,
27:53outside the Targe Mahal.
27:55The one in Ockley, of course.
27:56Hello, Paul.
27:57Hello.
27:58I'm sorry about the argument we had.
28:00All right, Paul, water under the bridge.
28:01No, no, no.
28:02I shouldn't have headbutted you, shouldn't I, Clive?
28:03No.
28:04No, I shouldn't.
28:04Police said soonest men did.
28:06But you were out of order.
28:07Drop it.
28:08Finished your community service then, have you?
28:11Oh, yeah.
28:11All done.
28:12The canals never look so clean.
28:13Good.
28:14Right, there you go.
28:15You have a read of that.
28:16For the last week you've been harbouring a known criminal.
28:18That's a warrant to search the premises.
28:20Er, fat Robert, would you be some goods to fetch by reading glasses, please?
28:23Don't look about, Paul.
28:25Hang on, this is wrong.
28:26It says the home of the calf family.
28:28I think if you check your records you'll find that this house is in fact the property
28:32of the counts.
28:33Very funny, Paul.
28:34We're coming in nice or nasty.
28:36What's the date today?
28:37Fifteen.
28:38It says 16th, funny.
28:39That's tomorrow.
28:40Shite.
28:40I did say.
28:41Yes, I know.
28:43Well, it looks like you have to go and buy yourself some more Tipex.
28:45Now, look, we can get this out of the way now or we can come back tomorrow.
28:48Great.
28:49See you in the morning.
28:49First thing, we'll have the catalogue.
28:51Goodbye, Sergeant Lynch.
28:52See you, Clive.
28:53See you.
28:54Oh, it's fatty, Rob.
28:56There.
28:57It's the best place for him.
28:59Bury him along with him.
29:02Don't film me doing that, Paul, and put it down.
29:06Oh, Bob, you're dead clever.
29:08What would we do without you?
29:11You don't have to ever be without me, Pauline.
29:13Ever.
29:15You know that time when you and me, we...
29:19What?
29:20Had a shag.
29:21You what?
29:21You remember?
29:22It was Halloween.
29:24Oh, yeah.
29:26Was I better than Spiros?
29:28Of course you were, love.
29:30It didn't matter that it didn't last very long, did it?
29:32Yeah, when the bus was pulling into the terminus.
29:43Oh, sorry.
29:45Mark, you were Spiros' best man.
29:47Spiros?
29:48I believe you'd like to say a few words.
29:51I only knew Spiros for two days.
29:54I think what we learned about him was this.
29:59He was a gregarious man.
30:02He was a snappy dresser.
30:05Tenacious domino player.
30:09He had a great love of fruit.
30:12Pineapple, I believe.
30:15And he had a fine...
30:19...moustache.
30:21Spiros, in this silence, we remember you.
30:25He was also an international drugs dealer with previous convictions for arson, GBH, fraud, and cutting and welding together different
30:35avs of written-off vehicles, respraying and clocking them, and then selling them off as classic vehicles through Obson's cars
30:42of Mossway to apt-less books like you.
30:45I've written a short poem, which I hope articulates how we're all feeling.
30:55A Greek tragedy.
31:01A freak breeze catches the apple blossom, perfect with petals save now for one, which dances silently, inexorably, to a
31:12traveller's rest.
31:13Listen.
31:16Listen.
31:19Listen.
31:19Not this, the lame lament of the lone bugler, rather the clarion call to a thousand souls.
31:27Look.
31:29Look.
31:30The nakedness of the tree consents to a new beauty, blossom, a communion of comfort clothing the earth.
31:39Smell.
31:41Smell the evil reek of death as another putrid corpse is tossed on the pyre of Hades.
31:48Always room for one more, yells the twisted, demented figure of Cairon the ferryman, over the sticks to the pungent
31:59pit of hell, where no one hears the deafening screams of agony from the ghosts of men, sodomized by Cerberus,
32:07the three-headed dog.
32:11Well, that's something to look forward to.
32:15That was lovely, Mark.
32:34Who'd you think you are, W. Harden?
32:37Who?
32:37That poet, W. Harden.
32:40I think you mean, W. H. Harden.
32:42You wanker.
32:44Shite!
32:45Shite!
32:45He's still got the ring again!
32:47Pauline, don't let him go!
32:48Pauline!
32:49Pauline!
32:51I can get 100 quid cash back from H. Samuel!
32:54Leave it!
32:55No!
32:55Leave it!
32:56Let go!
32:57Pauline, no!
32:58Let go!
32:59Pauline, no!
33:00Oh, my God!
33:03I think I've killed Fat Bob!
33:06Bob!
33:07Bob, I thought you were dead.
33:08I love you, Pauline.
33:09I love you too, Bob.
33:11Fat Bob.
33:13Bob the blob.
33:15Fat blobby bastard, Bob.
33:21You're so cute.
33:23You look like a little panda.
33:29Will you marry me?
33:30Oh!
33:31Oh!
33:33Oh!
33:35Oh!
33:37Oh!
33:40Oh!
33:40Oh!
33:41Oh!
33:42Oh!
33:42Nice cats!
33:43Or can you cats me?
33:46I can't.
33:46Caught all I want from you, Paul.
33:50Will you dance with me at reception tonight?
33:52You'll be looking.
33:58Do you want me to eat tonight?
34:03Come on!
34:04Shut up!
34:06Oh!
34:06Well, I won't cry, Bob.
34:06See you.
34:07I love you!
34:08It's me!
34:09I love you!
34:11I love you!
34:12Say you.
34:13I love you.
34:15How do you say it?
34:19You'll be lucky.
34:22I love you.
34:22We're a cheerful dress, we're a shiner of white wine
34:26We're a golden dress, we'll be happy by you
34:30Time! That's enough!
34:32What? Come on, man.
34:38Spammer.
34:39Um, well, as you see, Speros' death shows that every cloud does have a silver lining.
34:45Or if you like, inside every bag of sharrants, there's a spark of gold.
34:49You know, it's probably the wrapper off a caramac, but it's there.
34:52Soon after the wedding, Pauline announced the wonderful news that she was up the stick.
34:57And soon after that, Bob and Pauline Boyle were joined by little Petula Dusty.
35:02And do you know, she's just like her daddy, except for the tash.
35:07Ha ha ha ha ha!
35:13Whilst it is arguable that cast films may have failed to plunge the sword of satire deeply enough into the
35:20postmodernist milieu,
35:21the fact remains that I look a bit of a twat in a beard.
35:27A complete twat.
35:30Say it.
35:32I look a complete twat in this beard.
35:37Good night.
35:38Good night.
35:38Good night.
35:38Good night.
35:39Good night.
35:39Good night.
35:40Good night.
35:40Good night.
35:40Good night.
35:40Good night.
35:40Good night.
35:42Good night.
35:42Good night.
35:44Good night.
35:49Good night.
35:49You
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