- 37 minutes ago
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00:00The following programme contains strong language.
00:11Nothing wrong with being a netmo child, anyway. It's all bollocks.
00:13Do you think...? Well, think the doctors.
00:15Usually a doctor's kid will be a doctor. No-one says fuck all.
00:18They're saving people's lives, Dad.
00:20Well, we're saving people's lives. We're saving people's caravan lives.
00:25Last time, I met the residents of the park I'd just invested in.
00:28Look at this legend here, look, two pints.
00:30When I was a kid, they always had a sports day on the field.
00:33Is there a rivalry between Nuts Farm and...
00:38The staff weren't impressed with my performance.
00:40I bet you're gutted I've called this meeting on now, you lot.
00:43Look at them, they're sinking in their seats.
00:45And we got to work drumming up new business.
00:48I wanted to chuck a big billboard on the Isle of Shelby Bridge.
00:50More tonight.
00:52More tonight.
00:53More now.
00:54Hand in hand.
00:55Hand in hand.
00:57Hand in hand.
00:57Prepare.
00:59I can't lie.
01:00I can't lie.
01:00I can't lie.
01:06I can't lie.
01:17It's so funny.
01:20Do you know what it is, Dan?
01:23It's nuts.
01:24Fucking perfect.
01:29I look like I'm on drugs and I'm noshing off a caravan.
01:31What more can you do with advertising?
01:34It's absolutely massive.
01:36Of course you've got to have the biggest.
01:39This is going to cause a stir.
01:42Thank me later, drivers.
01:44Thank me later.
01:46Things think they'll like it.
01:52Monday morning and the Priory Hill management gets their first look at my handiwork.
01:57Oh, there's a sign.
02:00There it is.
02:01Oh fucking hell.
02:03It's the nuts.
02:05Oh my God.
02:07What is that?
02:09That's mental.
02:10I have no idea why we do that.
02:12But it's horrific.
02:14So he's got the company colours wrong.
02:18Jesus.
02:21On site, it was a fine morning in Sheppie.
02:25Fucking door.
02:28So that's easy to nick.
02:30Shit out of there, but.
02:33We're all going on a summer holiday.
02:38Oh, damn.
02:39This is lovely.
02:40Go fucking Kent.
02:43Do, do, do, do, do.
02:44La, la, la, la, la, la.
02:46La, la.
02:47Do you feel like you're more into caravan holidays now?
02:52Yeah, I feel like I am away.
02:54I don't feel like I'm like...
02:56I feel like I'm in a different world when I'm here.
02:58It lays down well.
03:00But our joy ride was cut short when the site directors told us to come by the office.
03:07It's all right for me.
03:08Oh, what's happening then?
03:10You look like you've got the hump.
03:13Yeah, I ain't gonna lie mate.
03:15We've seen this sign.
03:16Ah, right, okay.
03:17When I saw it the first time, I thought, why is there a caravan coming out of his mouth?
03:21And then I got down here and saw Mark and he said, why is he deep throating a Willoughby Kelston?
03:25And I can't unsee that now.
03:27You know, what are we trying to promote here?
03:29A family-friendly holiday park, right? Family run?
03:34And the colour scheme.
03:36It's not kind of company colours, is it?
03:38It's a little bit loud.
03:40I didn't know what the company colour was.
03:42Look at this, look.
03:44Look at the blue, is it?
03:45What, what, so blue?
03:47White on blue, yeah, like that.
03:48Yeah, I can't have that.
03:49For one, it's Millwall.
03:49But you, you get that, right, so you don't like blue because of Millwall.
03:53No, I'm joking, I don't like blue.
03:54No, but from our point of view, red on white, that's, that's Butlins.
03:59Maybe we should have asked you, actually.
04:02How's it going?
04:03Hello mate.
04:04Sorry, just getting bollocked at the moment.
04:05Why don't you sit yourself down, Mark?
04:07Talking about our sign, any value?
04:09Oh no.
04:11I mean, cut it in half, Danny's bit's really sweet standing in the corner of a sign,
04:15and you look your way, and you're deep-throating a caravan.
04:18It doesn't say anywhere on the sign, chalets and caravans for sale.
04:22No, it says nuts and pry, we know.
04:23And we said you'd be nuts to miss out.
04:26It's the nuts.
04:27Yeah, a lot of nuts, punk.
04:28Fucking hell.
04:29Why don't you bring the file down here, and we can tweak it, just turn it into company colours.
04:33Keep the same sort of idea.
04:34Can't change the fucking thing now.
04:36Oh, of course you can, you must be able to change the sign.
04:37Boy, that billboard, it's cost me a bomb.
04:39It's been there for a few days, right?
04:41We've had a busy weekend.
04:42Yeah.
04:42Not a single customer over the weekend said to me,
04:44Oh, I see that sign as I was coming.
04:45None of them.
04:46No one.
04:46Not a single one.
04:47Are we allowed in?
04:48Come in, darling, if you want.
04:50Hello, you.
04:51Have you seen our sign?
04:55Well, it's...
04:56It's hard to put it.
04:57It's me noshing off a caravan.
04:59No, no, it ain't it, ain't it, ain't it.
05:01He's got his mouth open and there's a caravan coming out of it,
05:04and it says you'd be nuts to miss out.
05:07She don't like it.
05:08Um, can I pay some money?
05:11Do you want to just do it in half hour, is that right?
05:14Just give us a shout.
05:15All right, okay.
05:15Come on in, you.
05:16Go on, you.
05:18Give us a shout, Paul.
05:19Yeah, all right, Eleanor will be in it.
05:20Tenner.
05:21All right, cheers.
05:23I think you're driving along that road 50, 60, 70 mile an hour.
05:26Yeah.
05:26You've only got a few seconds.
05:28Yeah.
05:28And you know, I don't think a lot of people are taking it in,
05:30because it's just a bit too, like, boom, with everything going on.
05:33Yeah.
05:34Well, it's early days.
05:35It's early days.
05:36Because I think it might drum up some business.
05:39I think it might drum up some press.
05:42You know, we've got to try and sell some bands.
05:44Yeah.
05:44I want to make this gas famous.
05:46So do we.
05:47Yeah.
05:47Let's go.
05:48Right, go on then.
05:51Oh, fucking, I broke the fucking door now, I have a look.
05:53Get me out.
05:54Get out.
05:57It's just too much, like, colour, innit?
06:00Like, you know, you've got a few seconds driving past it,
06:03and no one's really picking up, you know,
06:05I don't even know if Danny's that recognisable on it.
06:09Right, well, what have we learnt?
06:12We're fucked up.
06:13I think they wanted something different.
06:15I think they wanted it to be a bit plain, a bit pretty, and a bit simple.
06:18Well, maybe we need to roll them in a little bit more,
06:19and make these decisions.
06:20Why didn't we ask them?
06:22Sounds like they spent a bit of money, though, didn't it?
06:23All the more reason, though, to come chat about it first.
06:26Do you think we're taking the piss out of the caravan part?
06:28No, I don't want it out of the course of that.
06:29Do you think they think we are?
06:31Eh.
06:31Yeah.
06:32If that's their first thing, it's going to be a long year.
06:36Well, yeah, Jesus Christ.
06:37Oh, fucking hell.
06:50Yeah, have we seen the point of it coming in or out of his mouth?
06:56Yeah, that's got a big mouth, hasn't he?
07:00More ways than one.
07:03While we licked our wounds, a new arrival pulled in.
07:07A luxury caravan for the nuts seafront.
07:11And the van spotters turned out in false.
07:15Love it. Champagne, aluminium cladding.
07:18Amphrosite windows, door frames.
07:19The chassis, mate.
07:20Don't fancy painting one of them. It's massive.
07:22Galvanised, though.
07:23But it's massive, yeah.
07:24Three wheels.
07:25No, triple ax. Get out of it.
07:26Yeah, man.
07:26Triple ax.
07:27Yeah, how'd you turn it?
07:29We've never bought a caravan this wide in.
07:31We ain't.
07:33Oh, it's massive, mate.
07:34It's quite a luxury van.
07:36It's actually got a skylight as well, like a Velux, which is cool.
07:39It's the most we've invested in a van, for sure.
07:41I think it'll be the most we've sold one for as well.
07:43It's a bit of a gamble, but I think it's worth the risk.
07:47Start coming round.
07:52Ready?
07:54Right, start turning a bit, then, doing this.
07:56Use the van.
07:56Mid-turning it.
07:59Oh, well done, Jim.
08:00There's only 20 pitches along the front there, out of 182.
08:04So this is a prime opportunity for someone to get on that front row.
08:10Later that day, Jimmy had a little treat lined up for us.
08:15We are going to do some demolitions on an old caravan.
08:19Should be fun.
08:20Get a stress release for everyone.
08:22Just get some hammers and just smash the fuck out of a caravan, basically.
08:26There's something about it.
08:28It's cathartic, isn't it?
08:30People pay for that.
08:31It's a proper laugh.
08:33So why haven't you followed Danny yourself?
08:36What about the billboard?
08:37I haven't seen Danny yet.
08:38I think the boys have already given enough of a hard time about it,
08:41so we're just going to do a bit of demolition with him.
08:45Take out some anger on an old caravan.
08:49But this wasn't just smash therapy.
08:52To make way for the fancy new van, an old one had to be retired.
08:56What year is this, Jimmy, this van?
08:59You tell me, 80s, I reckon.
09:0190s?
09:01Yeah, 90s, maybe.
09:02I'm not sure.
09:03It's old, man.
09:03Oh, look at it, Dan.
09:04Sometimes, when they're this old, no-one wants it,
09:07so we have to break it up.
09:09We make sure all the wood goes properly,
09:11recycle the wood, recycle the metal.
09:13That's not good, a black cat.
09:15Unfortunately, the cat probably lives here thinking,
09:17no, don't smash me gaff up.
09:19Where would you start, Jim?
09:20What's the old, uh...
09:21Wherever you want, really, mate. Go crazy.
09:23I mean, I'm fucking desperate to smash that window.
09:25Not glass.
09:29Come out, it's the old bill!
09:30We usually take it off of a screwdriver, gently.
09:35You've just made more work, but it's fine, mate.
09:37It's a start.
09:37Let's take this little thing off.
09:39Go on, ta-ta.
09:41Keeps up there, you fucking straight.
09:43Get over there.
09:44All right.
09:45Just grab something and start smashing it.
09:46What if I'd like?
09:47Smashing things.
09:48Just give it a clump.
09:51Ridiculous, that works.
09:53So, I've not got muscles like you.
09:57I don't like that.
09:59I feel like I'm robbing someone's ass.
10:01I'm not strong enough.
10:02Of course you are.
10:02You're a strong, independent woman.
10:03I've told you.
10:04I don't like it.
10:05I love this.
10:06Just go crackers, you know?
10:09Mug.
10:11Drop a bit of graft, this is.
10:12Oh, he's having a right old go in here, won't he?
10:14I know he's got a lump, hasn't he?
10:16He's just ripped the sink out.
10:19Look at that.
10:19Oh, Jim.
10:22Oh, my God.
10:23He's one of them secret ones, isn't he?
10:25What?
10:25You know, like a secret serial killer.
10:28He's all kind, Jimmy.
10:30You get him in one of these and he's ripping sinks out.
10:35Jimmy.
10:36What's one of the weirdest things you've ever found in the caravans?
10:40Found a dildo before.
10:41Dildo?
10:42Yeah, all sorts.
10:43Just some dildos.
10:44It's a dildo under the mattress.
10:45Good place to hide them, to be fair, Jimmy.
10:47A bit obvious, I think.
10:49What do you think?
10:49Where would you hide your dildo go?
10:51Up my arse.
10:57Oh, God.
10:59Full of urine.
11:00Huh?
11:01Full of urine.
11:02Full of urine?
11:02Are you sure you're my kid?
11:04Urine.
11:04Piss.
11:05It's called urine.
11:14Did you get that?
11:15At least someone's on it.
11:16Yeah.
11:23I think if they've done something that we can actually all get close together
11:28and join in together...
11:30Yeah.
11:31...rather than go to the clubhouse and sit in your own group,
11:34if it's an event that you can all muck in and have a laugh,
11:38then you build a rapport, don't you?
11:42When I invested in this caravan site,
11:44no-one told me about the rivalry.
11:47It's actually two sites rolled into one.
11:51Priory Hill was set up in 1951,
11:53and half a century later, it bought its seafront neighbour, Nutt's Farm.
11:59The two sites are separated by a road,
12:02and this simple divide seems to have brewed a bit of tension.
12:06Welcome to my crib.
12:07Pleasure.
12:08Hello, Paul.
12:08I wanted to unite them.
12:11Hello.
12:12But first, I needed to see how deep the rivalry ran.
12:15Come on in, sweetheart.
12:17We've heard it's a rivalry between Nutt and Priory.
12:20Is this true?
12:21Unfortunately, it is true.
12:22I think Priory see themselves as a completely different part.
12:26You've got the divide. You've got Nutt here.
12:27You've got Priory there.
12:28Yeah.
12:28That's always going to cause division.
12:30Yes.
12:31Over there, they had the swings.
12:33They had the roundabouts.
12:34I see.
12:34There's nothing over here, is there?
12:36It's like you're a second-class citizen.
12:37Right.
12:37What's that about?
12:38They're no better than me, and I'm no better than them.
12:41It just aggravates me that they think they are.
12:44They look at us over here as if we're the shit camp,
12:46because the majority of them are chalet owners.
12:48They think, oh, because we've got caravans.
12:51I think caravans are better than chalets anyway.
12:52It is so Dubai.
12:53Second-class citizens.
12:54Yeah.
12:55The council estate.
12:56That's how we feel over here.
12:57Well, that's how you feel.
12:58Yeah.
12:59You go over there, sometimes you get like really young children,
13:01only like four, five, six, seven years old,
13:03and they'll say things like,
13:04what's Priory doing over here?
13:06No way.
13:06Priory's always owned nuts since you've been alive.
13:08That's been sort of bred into them.
13:10Some of them are snotty over there.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Some of them are not.
13:13Okay.
13:14That clubhouse.
13:15I'm sorry.
13:15It's not for you.
13:16How can I say?
13:17It's a bit clicky.
13:18You'd go in, and you'd think,
13:20I don't feel right in here.
13:21It's like one of those films when you walk into a Western bar.
13:23Yeah, like old John Wayne films.
13:24And it all goes quiet.
13:28As a West Ham fan, I know rivalries.
13:31But landlocked chalets squaring up to seafront vans
13:34was a first for me.
13:36Fortunately, I had a cunning plan to unite them
13:38based on an idea that came up at the residents' meeting.
13:41Is there a world where if we had a sports day,
13:43would you come and get amongst it?
13:45Would you?
13:45Or are you going to start headbutting?
13:47No.
13:47Do you know what?
13:48I'm a lover, not a fighter.
13:49I can tell that.
13:49Yeah.
13:50Without a doubt, it needs to come to an end.
13:52Yeah.
13:52If we do do it, you've got no issues
13:54with, you know, hanging out with a few nuts mob,
13:57is what I'm saying.
13:58Oh, no, not at all.
13:59The sports day should bring it all together like a family.
14:01This is what we're thinking.
14:02Nuts, Priory, don't matter where you're from,
14:04we'll get the shed lot and the caravan lot.
14:06Howls again, all right?
14:07Thank you, Jenny.
14:08You're lovely.
14:09Thank you so much.
14:17So we've learnt that with Nuts and Priory there is a little bit,
14:20you know, a little bit of rivalry there.
14:24I think it's just because they're so separate,
14:26there's chalets on one and caravans on another,
14:28so they don't really mix that much, do they?
14:31First of all, the sports day, so...
14:32Yeah, sports day.
14:33We've got to organise it.
14:35We'll try and do some weird shit, yeah?
14:38Something a little bit left field.
14:39I don't know how they're going to take it,
14:40they might be offended.
14:41No.
14:42But, at the same time, they might love it.
14:44No, they'll be fine.
14:45I think they've not been involved,
14:46some of these old girls are involved in the sports day since 1930.
14:49Oh, no, let them have a go.
14:50They'll have been running around in their bloomers.
14:52We've got to roll the kids in, obviously, and back the kids,
14:54because they're probably going to be more excitable.
14:57So we'll do a kids race type thing.
14:58What we'll do is we'll just allocate two teams.
15:01Shall we do Nuts versus Priory then as a laugh?
15:03Yeah, I like that, yeah.
15:04Let's get this fucking community back together.
15:07Let's do it.
15:07I believe in this.
15:08That's how we fucking roll wearing these parts.
15:11Before that, we had to see Eleanor,
15:13the Assistant Sales and Service Manager.
15:15Hello.
15:16Hello.
15:16To discuss our other top priority.
15:19Selling caravans, that's the way forward.
15:22Yes.
15:22Yes.
15:23How many empty plots, 35?
15:25No, it's 38.
15:26I think if we just got a steady flow of sales with the caravan.
15:30I think just promoting what we already have for sale and seeing how they go would be really positive.
15:34So, 34 grand roughly for a caravan.
15:37What's the chalets going for?
15:38Anything from two and a half to four.
15:40Oh, my God.
15:40That's a huge difference.
15:42That's why people want chalets.
15:43Why are they so cheap?
15:44Because I've just been in a chalet and they're lovely.
15:46How is that so cheap in a caravan?
15:48Now, this is the weird thing for me.
15:49When I was a kid, if you had a chalet, it was better than a caravan in the 80s.
15:53Yeah.
15:53Don't know why that was.
15:55But to have a chalet was the ultimate.
15:56To have a caravan in the 80s.
15:58And they were very different caravans back then, of course.
16:00They haven't got all the mod cons like this.
16:01But the chalet was the one that you would aspire to.
16:04That seems to have flipped on its nut now somewhat.
16:06Weirdly, coming out of Covid, they were worth a lot more money, the chalets.
16:10Yeah.
16:11Now they have lost a bit of value.
16:13And also, with the chalets, they have to pay cancel tax.
16:16Oh, do they?
16:17Really?
16:18I didn't think you had to.
16:18The chalets, generally, there's like a high turnaround on them.
16:22They are affordable.
16:23Yes.
16:24And, you know, when you think how much it costs to take a family abroad,
16:28you could have six weeks of the school holidays
16:30and you've got all the children's entertainment, you've got the pool.
16:33So, yeah, it definitely works out a cheap option to get a chalet.
16:37What's the grand rent?
16:38It varies.
16:39On a large chalet, it's 3,682.
16:43A year.
16:44A year.
16:44Yeah.
16:45That includes water and, obviously, all the maintenance of the surrounding areas.
16:49And your gas?
16:50We've got no mains gas, so it's Callagas.
16:52So, the site fee, despite what people say, I think it's really good value for money.
16:57So, Elena, what can we bring to the table?
16:59Definitely advertising.
17:00Yes.
17:01And, obviously, you know, you're very popular, so that would be good.
17:05And, yeah, just getting our name out there.
17:07As you can probably tell, numbers aren't really my game.
17:09But one thing was clear.
17:11We needed to sell vans.
17:13With that in mind, Elena took us to see the site's newest seafront purchase.
17:19We can't start the car, look.
17:20I can't.
17:21It does help if you can drive it.
17:23I'm all over it, baby.
17:24Don't worry.
17:26Ah!
17:27Sorry, Ben.
17:28It just makes such a difference when the sunshine comes out.
17:32Yeah.
17:34Well, in here.
17:39The Riverwood Lodge.
17:41Look at that, look.
17:43Got a key?
17:44Um, is there a key?
17:45Oh, look.
17:46There's a little key there, look.
17:47Perhaps they've locked me out of it.
17:49I'm being silly.
17:50I am being a twat.
17:52You're an idiot.
17:53Come on.
17:54Oh, yes.
17:55Oh, wow.
17:56Do you know what this is?
17:57Pure sex.
17:58That's what this is.
17:59It's beautiful.
18:00It's literally like a house.
18:02And look at the view.
18:03You can't look at it.
18:04This is a prime, prime, prime slot.
18:06Oh, I love it.
18:08Oh, it's lovely.
18:08Oh, it's lovely.
18:09Bit of a vaulted ceiling there.
18:10Lovely.
18:11Well, if you invite Peter Crouch round, sweet, he won't whack his nut, will he?
18:15It's so nice.
18:16Very impressive.
18:18So, look, wherever you are, you've got a beautiful...
18:21It's stunning.
18:22Panoramic view.
18:22Yeah.
18:23So, what do we need to do?
18:25Sell it.
18:28I'm going to shut up here.
18:30So, what do you think we need to do, promo-wise?
18:32We need to do a funny video.
18:33Right, so, do you feel like you want to direct it and I'm sort of the star of it?
18:36Yeah, I'm going to direct.
18:37Do you want to be the star?
18:38I'm better at directing than you.
18:39What?
18:40So, who's in it?
18:40You.
18:41Oh, right.
18:44With the creative consultation over, our task was to craft the ultimate ad.
18:51So, what I'm going to do is, I'm going to ride round the corner.
18:54Now, what are you?
18:55Are you staying out there?
18:55Well, no, I just feel like the opening line should be that.
18:59Okay, like it.
18:59So, here, guess the keys.
19:00Let me open them because I won't be able to open the fucking door.
19:02Oh, yeah.
19:02Or maybe that's quite a cool shot of me throwing you the keys.
19:06Let's try it.
19:07Okay, I like it.
19:08Right.
19:10Ready?
19:11Give me an action and I'll get confused if it's not an action.
19:14Action.
19:16Here at Priory Hill, we like making dreams come true.
19:18If you're anything like me, then this is the fucking caravan for you.
19:25I've never directed my dad before at all, like on anything.
19:29Straight away, yeah?
19:31He's a Leo.
19:32They love to perform.
19:33They love to act.
19:34They love the spot.
19:35I'm a Leo and I'm saying this, but they do.
19:40Yeah, I got that.
19:41Yeah.
19:41Sweet.
19:42Do you want to see it?
19:43Nah, fuck all that.
19:44I actually really like editing.
19:46Like, I really find it therapeutic action.
19:49This gaff's got everything.
19:50Jekyll flowers.
19:52A lovely double sink with running water.
19:56If people could look at this and look at a bit of tongue and cheek, I think they'll love it.
20:00Action.
20:01This is Eleanor, head of sales.
20:04She tells me this is the perfect place for swinging.
20:07I'll show you the bedrooms.
20:11It's so ridiculous.
20:13Lovely.
20:13That's another one ticked off.
20:15Now, there is an en-suite car seat, but I'm not going to use that.
20:18I'm going to have a pony in the main car seat.
20:21Do you know why?
20:22Because I ain't a savage.
20:25I like that one.
20:26I'll heart that one.
20:28You like that one and all?
20:29Right, so you're going to have to, er...
20:30You ain't going to pull your pants down, are you?
20:32Well, I'm not going to have a shit with my trousers on, am I?
20:34Yeah, but I don't want to see your willy.
20:35You just do a shot of my feet?
20:37Yeah.
20:39Is that you, then?
20:43It's a natural thing, isn't it, when you sit down?
20:45I may have farted in here.
20:47Right, let me just record something.
20:49Do it just a minute.
20:50Oh, no.
20:50Oh, your balls are flapping.
20:51I can't...
20:52Oh, that's got to leave.
20:53I can't see that!
20:54Because I just set your balls up!
20:56Okay, well, go on.
20:57Right, ready?
21:01It's the one.
21:03You know what, Dan?
21:05That, my darling, is a fucking masterpiece.
21:07Yeah, that's a wrap.
21:08Oh, we're going to sell her, don't worry.
21:10We will.
21:10That baby's going to get sold.
21:22Lovely day to dry the washing, that's all I can say.
21:25Can you do it a bit quicker?
21:26I can't, this peg is in the way.
21:29I'm going to hide my knickers on the inside
21:31so nobody can see how big they are, okay?
21:33And let's hope nobody pinches them.
21:37I decided to hold a fun-packed family sports day at Priory Hill,
21:41a chance to bring the park's residents together.
21:46I love that idea, like, bringing everyone together.
21:49It's great for kids as well to have a nice day.
21:51But, as, like, I just want to make sure we're managing costs,
21:55basically, at this time of the year.
21:57Like, we can't afford to do anything too...
21:57Well, I don't need stressing over it.
21:58We'll do a big graph.
22:00Yeah, but I need to come back after the billboard.
22:02I want to come back.
22:03If we're going to do this, I feel that there ain't been
22:06a sports day in years, right?
22:07Yeah.
22:08So we're bringing it back and they'll go,
22:09Oh, why, why?
22:10Yeah.
22:11I'll show you why.
22:12And it needs to look and feel like it's a proper event.
22:18Yeah.
22:19I mean, my dad, Michael, was around.
22:20He used to love sports days.
22:23Like, he used to want to do one every summer.
22:25So I feel like it will be quite nostalgic bringing it back
22:28for people that were around at that time, but also the staff.
22:32I'm just slightly concerned that, depending on how big event
22:36it's going to be, the cost might spiral out of control.
22:38So if we can just, like, keep an eye on that, then...
22:40Don't you stress, all right?
22:41I'm going to sort this bollocks out.
22:43Okay.
22:46Despite Alex's warning to watch the budget,
22:48we went straight into town to splash a bit of cash.
22:52You know what I love about these gaffs?
22:55It's random keys, medals, cobbler.
22:58I bet the geezer's a cobbler.
22:59Cobbler?
23:00What?
23:00What's cobbler?
23:01Do you know what a cobbler is?
23:02Cobbler.
23:04Cobbler is someone that fixes shoes.
23:06Oh, right.
23:06Good afternoon.
23:07Oh.
23:08Hello.
23:08How you doing, all right?
23:10Danny, lovely to meet you.
23:10Nice to meet you, I'm West.
23:11Hello, I'm Danny.
23:12Nice to meet you.
23:13We're having a sports day at Priory Hill and Nuts Farm.
23:15Oh, Jimmy's place?
23:17Jimmy's, Gaff. You know Jimmy?
23:18Yeah, I've known Jimmy for a long time.
23:20Jimmy's taken on from where his dad left off.
23:22Yeah.
23:22So Michael used to run it.
23:24Sadly, obviously, he passed away,
23:25but he's been coming in for a long time.
23:27I mean, we love that, Gaff,
23:28because it's very family-orientated, do you know what I mean?
23:30So what we're after, really, is some medals.
23:33We want a big trophy at the end to give to someone.
23:35So you're going to want a cup, basically.
23:36That's the lump I think we're after.
23:38Let's have a little pipe of that, West.
23:39Nice.
23:40Put me bins on. These are prescription.
23:41I'm not trying to be 50 cent.
23:43Oh, look at that, look.
23:44Wow.
23:45It's beautiful, isn't it?
23:46Well, I think this is the one, right?
23:47I like that.
23:48And also we want some medals.
23:50Grab a couple of these.
23:52These are bronze ones.
23:53Well, OK, well, I think we'll go with these.
23:55What do we want to put on them, Dan?
23:57What do you think, Dad?
23:58Red and white or red, blue and white?
24:01Er...
24:01Yeah, let's go with that one.
24:02Red, blue and white.
24:03I like that one.
24:04I like that one.
24:05Look at the trolleys, you know,
24:06and get yourself a little trolley.
24:07Huh?
24:08You'll have one of them, won't you, Dad?
24:09What for?
24:09When you get a little bit older.
24:11Do you know what?
24:12It might be a good price for one of the old girls.
24:14Brilliant.
24:15They'd love that.
24:16Especially the six-wheel one that swivels.
24:18No way.
24:18A six-wheeled swiveller?
24:20Yeah.
24:20I mean, they can turn on the spot.
24:22It's amazing.
24:22Can I just say?
24:22Yeah, I'll get you down.
24:23Fuck it, let's have a look, Wes.
24:24Fuck here now.
24:25Six-wheeled swiveller.
24:27Let's have a look at this, look.
24:28This is like...
24:29This is the Rolls-Royce and trolleys.
24:31Look at that.
24:31So you can literally turn on the spot.
24:33That is the fucking game wheeling.
24:34So you're going to a busy Morrison store, full of drinks, full of all your shopping.
24:38Wow.
24:3955 jib worth of trolley.
24:41And it proper swivels.
24:42Yeah, look at that, look.
24:43I'll get these all ready for you.
24:45All right, cheers, son.
24:46Look at that, look.
24:47That's amazing.
24:48I love it.
24:48Look at the movement.
24:52Oh, here we go.
24:53So that's what I'll put on the top.
24:55Wow.
24:55Oh.
24:56Look at that, look.
24:58One, two...
24:59Oh!
25:01I've always wanted to do that.
25:03Thank you so much.
25:05Thank you so much.
25:05Have a nice weekend.
25:05Got a lovely gaff, mate.
25:06Lovely gaff.
25:07See you soon.
25:07Keep on cobbling.
25:09It's a dying out breed thing, that, innit?
25:11Go on.
25:12Swivel it proper.
25:16What I'm slowly learning about this place is that it is very much a family run site.
25:22And the sort of oracle of that, you know, the patriarch was Michael.
25:29But there's obviously a hole left.
25:32And it's trying to fill that hole somehow.
25:35And I think me and Danny coming here is trying to bring an energy and a purpose.
25:41Everyone needs to feel like they're part of this site.
25:45And I think that's been lost over the last few years.
25:48There's no doubt about that.
25:49There's a divide.
25:51So if there's any way that we can bring that back, then I think that, you know,
25:54a sports day in honour of Michael, it's got to be a step in the right direction.
26:00It could be a fucking disaster.
26:04Danny is a completely different personality to my dad.
26:07They're like chalk and cheese, but in other ways they are quite similar.
26:11Danny seems to have, like, a lot of ideas to bring to the park.
26:14And that's what Dad had as well.
26:15Like, he was always thinking of new things to do, new things to try out.
26:19My man, he was a really great guy, man. Everyone loved him.
26:21He was the centre of our family. He had lots of friends.
26:24They all loved him.
26:25And all the customers down here loved him. He got them with everyone.
26:28He really was the centre of this place.
26:30And it's been, what, six years now? He's been dead.
26:35And it's not been the same.
26:37Customers come up and say, it's not been the same since your dad left.
26:39And I can't deny that they're right.
26:43Michael, yeah, I guess he was a little bit of a father figure to me, really.
26:47He was the best man at my wedding.
26:49I remember finding out that morning that he passed away.
26:53It was horrible.
26:55I was seven months pregnant when he passed away.
26:59So it was just...
27:03Sorry.
27:07So, yeah, it was just difficult, like, not having that...
27:13..experience with him seeing my grandchildren.
27:18I just, er...
27:20I don't know. How does anyone handle it? It's grief, isn't it?
27:24But, no, Danny's definitely brought some energy back to the place.
27:26That would have been lost since my dad wasn't about.
27:29Definitely. Yeah, definitely.
27:31Been a real buzz about the place since he's been about.
27:38The following morning, Danny had finished editing the advert for social media.
27:43After the ag we'd got for the billboard,
27:46we really needed to pull it out of the bag.
27:48Come and have a look at this beautiful scene.
27:54Look at that shot from you. They look lovely.
27:56I'm mad at that.
27:57En-suites.
28:00Twin bedroom number one.
28:02Look at it. It looks so good.
28:04Beautiful bastard of a getaway.
28:06So nice.
28:08I love it.
28:09Do you like it?
28:10I think that can sell this van.
28:11Are we worried about the language?
28:14You don't say the C word.
28:15I don't.
28:15You say about swinging.
28:17But swinging, you want to swing, you want to swing.
28:19Oh, that's what I'm saying.
28:20Apparently swinging happens down here, Mark said.
28:22That's a lot of swinging.
28:23I can guarantee now, probably in that chalet there,
28:25there's someone swinging as we fucking speak.
28:27Yeah.
28:28So, anyway.
28:29You ever swung?
28:30Have I swung?
28:31Yeah.
28:32No, darling.
28:33Good.
28:34I ain't got it in me, baby.
28:35I'm glad you didn't swing.
28:35Let's post it and we'll see what happens, yeah?
28:58Oh, God, here we go.
28:59Here I cry with you, we like making dreams come true.
29:02And if you're anything like me, this is the fucking caramel for you.
29:07Because this is Victory's Riverwood Lodge.
29:10A 41 by 13 foot temple of tranquility.
29:14Twin bedroom number one.
29:17Twin bedroom number two.
29:18For your nan and granddad.
29:19They can kip here when they're off their fucking nut.
29:25Now, there is an en-suite car here, but I'm not going to use that.
29:28I'm going to have a pony in the main car seat.
29:31Do you know why?
29:32Because I ain't a savage.
29:36Oh, mate.
29:37Might have to edit out the end bit.
29:38Will that sell holiday homes?
29:39I don't know if anyone's ever taken a shit to try and sell holiday home or not.
29:43Can we take that bit off the end?
29:44I was going to say, we should probably bleep out the swearing as well for the kids.
29:47I get it, yeah.
29:48Are we going to have to do something about that?
29:49We don't think there's enough.
29:50I think we should have more.
29:52It is a family park, so if he's going to be swearing in the promotional video,
29:55is that not a bit...?
29:57He's already posted it.
29:58He's already done it?
29:59It's already up, yeah.
30:00All right, well...
30:02With just 24 hours until sports day, the gear I'd panic bought online arrived.
30:07Whack it on the table, Dan.
30:09To be honest, I couldn't even remember what I'd ordered.
30:12Right, here we go.
30:13Here we fucking go.
30:15This is all our gear, look.
30:16Oh, look, these are the three-legged race pants.
30:18Yeah, perfect.
30:19Oh, it's like Christmas.
30:20It is.
30:21I think Daz and Paul might be a bit worried about what Danny's going to spend on sports day.
30:26Because Danny, I think, might really put a show in, you know, be quite extravagant about it.
30:32Feeling very sort of anxious about the weekend.
30:35The weekend in general, being a busy weekend, but more so probably the sports day.
30:41There's the old wellies.
30:42Oh, the wellies, yeah.
30:44Not really sure it would cost that much, would it, actually?
30:47Some bibs, some white lines.
30:50Where's the clipboards?
30:52Have you ever looked at that one?
30:53Oh, yes, they are.
30:54Touch.
30:55A little bit sleep-deprived at the moment as well.
30:57I fall asleep for about ten minutes and then all of a sudden...
31:00Sports day!
31:01Comes into my head like that and I'm thinking about races and...
31:05Have we got enough of this?
31:07And have we got enough of that?
31:08Oh, there we go.
31:08Where's that going off then?
31:10Oh, ah!
31:11Hello, hello, hello, hello.
31:14Welcome...
31:15I've heard about mobility scooter races or something like that.
31:18That sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it?
31:20And that's the start of the races.
31:22Look, the old...
31:24All that going, lovely.
31:26I've heard talk of inflatable stuff and gazebos and all this.
31:30And looking at my weather app, it's talking 25-mile-an-hour, 30-mile-an-hour gusts of wind.
31:35Oh, you're a good flower.
31:36He puts a gazebo up.
31:38It's going to be in Maidstone by lunchtime.
31:42Pathetic, that is.
31:43Not so good.
31:44Oh, that's right.
31:44I've been light-blowing.
31:47We've got A-list celebrities running an event.
31:50I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, we're going to have half the Isle of Sheppey turn up here.
31:53There's going to be thousands of people and we're just going to be overrun.
31:55All our owners are going to get the right hump with it.
31:57And it's just going to turn into a shit show.
32:00No.
32:00We've never fucking done this before.
32:02No.
32:02So we've just got to try and pray to the gods, the caravan gods.
32:06Because we all work smoothly, you know?
32:08Yeah, of course we do.
32:09It's not just the stress, it's more the expense of it.
32:11Are we going to make that money back in the long run?
32:13You know, especially if you put something like this on and everyone doesn't enjoy it.
32:17Because then you really know it's a waste of time.
32:25Yeah.
32:28With our epic sports day getting close, it was time to spread the word between the rival camps.
32:35We are doing a sports day, me and Maidani.
32:37Sports day, over here.
32:39No, it's going to win.
32:40Yeah.
32:41Oh!
32:42So already it's kicking off.
32:43Sports day, 11 o'clock.
32:45Over that field, if you fancy it's for the sign-up.
32:47Hopefully we'll see you over there tomorrow, yeah?
32:49See you tomorrow.
32:50God bless you all.
32:51Coming sports day.
32:52I know.
32:53Good.
32:54Perfect, that's another one in.
32:55Sports day, are you about?
32:57Can't wait to see us there.
32:59Oh, here she is, my little darling.
33:01Hello, babe.
33:02Hello, my little baby.
33:04You okay?
33:04How are you?
33:05You all right, darling?
33:06We're going to do a sports day, right?
33:08Oh, are you?
33:08Yeah.
33:09Really?
33:10What are nuts?
33:10Yeah, because all we are saying is give nuts a chance.
33:14It's a chance.
33:15It's a chance.
33:16Right, so basically, we're going to do a few events.
33:18I'd love you to get involved.
33:19Yeah, I will.
33:20I'll be there.
33:20We want to bring everyone together.
33:21We want to have a nice light on the judge.
33:23Get the wine out.
33:24Get the well.
33:24Oh, yeah, a little rosé.
33:25We thought we'd use nuts, because it's better filled.
33:28Yeah, well, to be fair, everything's always over there.
33:31So it'd be lovely to have some of us.
33:33You don't mind a few priory nuts coming over here?
33:35Not at all.
33:36Of course you don't, because you're a very kind, lovely woman.
33:38We want to bring everyone together, don't we, Dad?
33:40Absolutely.
33:40That's what we want.
33:42Nuts versus priory, but in a positive way.
33:44Yeah, of course.
33:45That's what we want.
33:46And I might come and have one of your sausages.
33:47Yeah.
33:47You can have one of our sausages, love.
33:49Oh, that's a lovely rule.
33:51Oh.
33:51Well, I might want to promise back, though.
33:54Well, until we do, we'll trade sausages.
33:56How fair is that?
33:57All right.
33:58You got all right with that?
33:59New mum?
33:59Oh, you don't mind step mum.
34:01Nah, she'll be all right.
34:02She'll be all right.
34:03See you soon.
34:04Lovely to see you as always, my darling.
34:06You are such a flout.
34:14I like being here when it's rough.
34:16Yeah.
34:16But the wind's the only problem.
34:18It frightens me.
34:19Yeah.
34:20Yeah, no, because that does get strong.
34:22You could be anywhere.
34:23But we're strapped down, babe.
34:24We're strapped down.
34:31All right, mate.
34:31We'll just go down here.
34:32Just past that brick building there, all right?
34:35More than just a tug of war open there, lads.
34:37After days of planning, sports day had arrived,
34:41and so had the residents.
34:43So many people there.
34:44I'm over the moon.
34:44There's loads of people there.
34:47Oh, that's naughty.
34:48Someone's got to sort this out.
34:51It's not human pony, is it?
34:55You never know, do you?
34:58Is this sports day or the Olympics?
35:04All right, like this.
35:05Whoa, that is...
35:08Has he gone down the Nuts and Priory route?
35:11Oh, f***ing hell.
35:13Where is he?
35:13It's going to take two days to set all this up.
35:16Cutting it fine.
35:17Cutting it fine.
35:19Lyn, what do you fancy doing?
35:20The motorbike thing, the scooter thing.
35:22The mobility scooter.
35:23The tug of war.
35:26All right, once we've done that, he'll show up.
35:37It's a lot, isn't it?
35:42You know, if it weren't windy, it'd be all right.
35:44And if he didn't spend a shit ton of money...
35:46He'd have spent a fortune.
35:47I don't know.
35:48Happy sports day, boys.
35:50High five.
35:50Jesus Christ.
35:52We've ordered some gear, haven't we?
35:54What's this?
35:54I don't know.
35:55No, I got a bit excitable.
35:57Sorry.
35:57This is for the grandad race.
35:59Is it? Grandad race?
36:00We thought they've got to blow it up.
36:01Yeah.
36:02And then once it's blown up, then they race.
36:04They've got to blow it up.
36:05They've got to blow it up.
36:06And what they're going to win is a week of fry-ups.
36:09Oh.
36:09They ain't got lungs for that.
36:11I ain't got lungs for this.
36:12It's all right.
36:13I mean, if we're going to do it, we've got to commit, haven't we?
36:14Yeah.
36:15You have thought of everything, mate.
36:16I mean, it's been years.
36:17Yeah.
36:18Since the last one.
36:19Are you sure about this Nuts versus Priory thing, guys, as well?
36:23Well...
36:23Are we worried it's going to turn into a brawl?
36:25I'm trying to bring them all together, weirdly.
36:27What, by putting them against each other?
36:29By putting them against each other, yeah.
36:29Yeah.
36:30You got a plan of how you want it laid out?
36:32They're about to fuck.
36:34Look, what an outfit we are.
36:36What a team.
36:37What a team.
36:38Dan, where's the pegs?
36:40I can't run with them.
36:42Oh, here you go, lovely.
36:44Definitely going.
36:47This is the thing, isn't it?
36:49The wind.
36:51Oh, he's doing it proper, look.
36:52Yeah, of course they are.
36:54Yeah.
36:54Ain't our first rodeo.
36:56No, I know.
36:57I'll tell you why this end's important.
36:58It's the finishing line.
36:59Yeah.
37:00Look, this fucker's going to finish before that one, aren't they?
37:03Oh, that's so bad.
37:04Yeah, you've completely fucked that, haven't you?
37:08Somehow, we were ready.
37:10The residents were in, the cut was polished.
37:12Today, we would finally heal the nuts priory rift.
37:16Or make it much worse.
37:20This is winding me up, no?
37:22It's so windy.
37:23Galforce winds were ripping in off the coast.
37:26Absolute fucking carnage, isn't it?
37:29But I wasn't going to let mother nature piss on our parade.
37:33Ladies and gentlemen, the first race is the kids egg and spoon race.
37:41Oh, look at...
37:42Oh, look.
37:45God, that wind is...
37:46Yeah, it could be raining, both sideways rain,
37:48and then we would be banging trouble.
37:52They're just going to blow in the wind.
37:54I think we're having a bit of trouble keeping them on the spoon.
37:56Oh, yeah, absolutely.
37:56The kids can't even hold them, look.
37:58We've got Jekyll eggs.
38:01It's going to be a long race.
38:03Oh, look.
38:04Shall we start doing another race before this one, then?
38:06No, we're just going to have to do it, aren't we?
38:07This is a very good prize, kids.
38:10You get ten free slush puppies.
38:15Might as well give them cocaine, ladies and gentlemen.
38:20Okay, so...
38:21In three, two, one...
38:23Go!
38:24Go on, kids!
38:25Go on!
38:27Oh, got to pick the egg up.
38:29Got to pick the egg.
38:30Oh, you've dropped your...
38:31Oh, that was so close.
38:33It's a win for Priory, though.
38:34I must say, she did Nicky at the end there.
38:36She did.
38:37There you go, darling.
38:39We weren't off to the best start,
38:40and the next race was the family relay.
38:43In hindsight, I probably should have had the kit van arrive a few hours earlier.
38:49I think we're fighting the losing battle, if I'm honest, but...
38:51Just waiting on the space offers, ladies and gentlemen.
38:53Sorry about this tension.
38:56Going as quick as I can, Dan, but it ain't my job really, is it?
38:59I know, I know, I know.
38:59I thought this was you.
39:01It's descending into chaos, isn't it, already?
39:03It's only the second event.
39:06One job I left you. Blow the space offers up.
39:08I know, I know, I know.
39:10I think you're deflating it, Dan.
39:12I don't know how you're managing that.
39:15After what felt like a lifetime...
39:18Nearly there.
39:20...we were finally ready to race.
39:23Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
39:26What is the prize, Dan, for this?
39:28I like this one.
39:29This is a £60 primary voucher for a family meal.
39:34Let's have a bit of the old family relay.
39:38Oh, that's something. Oh, yeah, they're lively, this lot here.
39:40Look at that.
39:44Wow.
39:46Here we go.
39:47This is it. This is the final leg.
39:50Here we go.
39:52Priory in the lead, but Nuts in the second.
39:54Oh, he's gone over.
39:57Here he goes.
39:58It's a win for Priory.
40:01Yes.
40:03What a race.
40:04Thank you so much.
40:04Go and have a lager.
40:06We got there in the end.
40:07And next, it was something to get the old deer's pulses racing.
40:13This is the Granny Pri.
40:16Representing Nuts, we have the wonderful Pats.
40:19We have Lynn.
40:22And on our lonesome, representing Priory, is Jane.
40:30The prize is a drink with Danny Dome and a six-wheeler swizzler.
40:38I want to see these trequels give it 100%, right?
40:42Wave that flag.
40:44Go on, girls.
40:47Oh, no.
40:49That's it.
40:49You got it.
40:50That's it.
40:50Go, go, go.
40:50Push it down.
40:51Push it.
40:52That's it.
40:52Push it.
40:53Push it.
40:53That's it.
40:54Go.
40:54It was on.
40:54Come on, Lynn.
40:57Look at her taking it in her stride there, Jane.
41:01Lynn, don't have it.
41:03Got to go round the cone, remember, Jane?
41:06You know.
41:09Jane's smashing here at the moment.
41:11So calm.
41:12In control.
41:14Oh, go on, Lynn.
41:15Love that turn.
41:16Jane's in the lead here.
41:17I don't think Pat can catch up.
41:19Pat's coming on the outside.
41:21Can she get round her?
41:22Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
41:24It's for Kyrie.
41:25It's Jane.
41:29Pat, we're having a drink, mate.
41:30Come here, both me and you.
41:32Yeah, absolutely.
41:33My pleasure.
41:34No doubt we had a shaky start,
41:36but the crowd was still with us.
41:38So I pushed on to the next event.
41:40The Granddad National.
41:44And they're off.
41:46Go on, my son.
41:46Oh, look at him.
41:47Go.
41:47Oh!
41:49I've got to say, not submit this one.
41:52Go on, have a lay down.
41:54Oh, look at this lump here.
41:56Look, he wants it.
41:57Up you get, son.
41:58Oh, hey, hey, hey.
41:59Oh!
42:02Assume the position, ladies and gentlemen.
42:05In three, two, one.
42:07Go.
42:09This is incredible.
42:10What a race this is.
42:11Easy.
42:12We're not starting.
42:13The pair of them are at it now.
42:14Easy up and oh, look.
42:15Oh, hey!
42:18Oh, I can't believe it.
42:20The arms on this geezer, yes.
42:22Let's have the knee tear up.
42:25Oh, he's gone.
42:28It's a win for nuts.
42:29Two.
42:31Three.
42:33Whoa!
42:34Fucking hell.
42:37Look at that.
42:39What?
42:41That was outrageous.
42:44Unbelievable.
42:46Put your hands together for Darren and Paul, the legends of this holiday park.
42:51Go!
42:51Let's have it.
42:52Look at these two go.
42:54Whoa!
42:58In all the chaos, I've completely lost track of the scores, so I decided to spice it up.
43:05This is the tug of war, ladies and gentlemen.
43:08Five massive points to whoever wins this final event.
43:13Basically, whoever wins this tug of war nicks the cup.
43:16Take the strain, ladies and gentlemen.
43:19Here we go.
43:19It's in the middle.
43:20When my hand comes off, start tugging.
43:23In three, two, one.
43:26Let's have it.
43:28Come on.
43:30Come on, let's have it.
43:32Come on.
43:32Come on!
43:33Come on, let's have it.
43:33We've got to get it past the cone.
43:36Oh, my!
43:37Keep pulling, Matt, to hop.
43:39You get it, up.
43:39You get, girl.
43:42Oh, nuts on the linear!
43:44Come on!
43:45Put it back!
43:46Oh, she's gone!
43:48Oh, they're gone!
43:49Oh!
43:51Oh!
43:54it's a win for nuts well done what a game congratulations nuts this is incredible
44:03well done you went off and you got yourself up we were not losing that no way we were losing
44:11it
44:12this has been a great day absolutely brilliant lots of laughs lots of giggles just getting on
44:17with each other well done well done son they put on a great day well nothing like that for so
44:23long
44:24it was such a good day and it sort of brought everybody together it ain't about them and us
44:31obviously though we will be fighting to get the thing back next year
44:39well congratulations all of you on a wonderful day thank you it's an amazing holiday campus i'm
44:44really honored to be here i love being back around you people thank you so so much
44:57get yourself in oh nice wind you feel a bit wind sweating yourself baby i hope we've proved to
45:03old darren and paul that you know we can bring something to the table i think that was a little
45:06bit skeptical do you think we're slowly uh winning them over i think it went a lot better than i
45:13expected probably to be fair i don't know how he pulled it off but he fucking pulled it off yeah
45:19exactly yeah i dread to think how much this cost him yeah to put on so you ain't gonna want
45:23to
45:23splash that around every week is he no you can't no you can't you can't do that every week yeah
45:28and the honeymoon period will end soon and he'll realize it's about
45:31the nitty-gritty hard work craft unblocking toilets yeah you'd be wiping shit off a toilet
45:37seat this morning weren't you yeah right back to it bingo
45:44slow down slow down next time we try to sell priory hill's most expensive caravan
45:51it's ringing this is going well the bills rolling from sports day it cost 10 grand
45:59yeah i won't make an habit of it and i'll try to bring a coach load of people to an
46:04open day at the
46:05park right let's get these fucking people on the coach where are they no one
46:31you're dirty and sweet
46:35you're dirty and boldly
46:36you're dirty and sweet
46:39you're dirty
46:41you
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