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00:00This programme contains strong language from the outset and throughout.
00:11Give me an action so I get confused if it's not an action.
00:13All right, ready? Go!
00:16Here at Priory Hill, we like making dreams come true.
00:18And if you're anything like me, this is the fucking caravan for you.
00:24A 41 by 13 foot temple of tranquility.
00:31That's the one, isn't it?
00:31Oh, that's amazing. I love that.
00:33Young Scorsese in the mix, ain't ya?
00:35Who?
00:36A wonderful set of cupboards.
00:38A lovely double sink with running water.
00:42It's a beautiful bastard of a getaway.
00:45And she's waiting for you.
00:48That, my darling, is a masterpiece.
00:50Yeah, that's a wrap.
00:51Oh, we're gonna sell her. Don't worry.
00:53We will.
00:53That baby's gonna get sold.
01:02No, I know what you're thinking.
01:04Why am I, Danny Dial, trying to sell these beauties?
01:08Well, I've invested in a caravan park.
01:11Why, you might ask?
01:13Because I love them.
01:15During the 80s and the early 90s, me and my family, we would all go down the van.
01:19Me Nan and Grandad, me aunts, me uncles, and all my cousins.
01:24There was a real sense of community, which I think, in today's world, is severely lacking.
01:31It was the best time of my life.
01:33Running about, getting a bit of sea air in me lungs.
01:38Now, these places are dying out.
01:40So I've risked my money, my reputation, and most importantly, my sanity, in trying to bring back the great British
01:48holiday.
01:54Now, I like a gamble.
01:56And this is the biggest one yet.
01:58So I've rolled in my first-born child, Danny, to reign me in and be the voice of reason.
02:07It's the unpredicted weather of Britain, that's the issue.
02:10In Magaluf, we've guaranteed hot weather and a possible STI.
02:14I've found the perfect place to invest.
02:17It's where my beloved mother-in-law spent her youth, back in the Victorian days.
02:22Welcome to Priory Hill, a family-run site in Laysdown on the Isle of Sheppey.
02:28This is known as Kent's Treasure Island.
02:31Love that.
02:32There are three prisons on Sheppey.
02:33Three fucking prisons?
02:35It's a serious operation, with more than 400 chalets and caravans.
02:41It needs a bit of love and is full of potential.
02:45This sums up my impulsiveness.
02:47Yeah.
02:48What about that time I was bidding on an old man's drawer?
02:51Why would you do that?
02:52Well, because I thought he was an old man, there might be some goods in there.
02:55Anyway, I bidded over fucking 200 quid for this drawer.
02:57Couldn't see what was in it.
02:58Then it turned up and there wasn't a harmonica.
03:01I've done the same with this, haven't I?
03:03I'm bidding on something and I've put money into something.
03:05I'll do a man's drawer.
03:06A dead man's drawer.
03:09But this isn't just a mad gamble.
03:12Priory Hill is a real business with real residents.
03:15I'm trying to change a few things here.
03:17Please, God.
03:18If you please one, you're going to upset another.
03:20I just want you to knock that shelly down.
03:22And my involvement carries real consequences.
03:25We're losing about 150 grand in revenue.
03:29Well.
03:29Here we go.
03:30Sorry, just getting bollocks at the moment.
03:31Won't you sit yourself down, Mark?
03:32So we're going to roll up our sleeves.
03:34Bloody hell.
03:36Come out, it's your old bills.
03:39See if can Olivia Colman doing this bollocks, my job.
03:41And see if we can make a difference.
03:43You might want to buy one of these.
03:50Clarkson's got a farm.
03:51Richard Hammond's got a workshop fucking about it now.
03:54If Jamie Oliver can save school dinners,
03:57then why can't we save the great British holiday?
04:26Not many people get this sort of opportunity to run a holiday park with Danny Dyer.
04:31Already the hype in Laysdown on the island is incredible.
04:34We don't get many celebs down here.
04:37I saw Barry from EastEnders in town a couple of times.
04:42Michael Barrymore came down here once.
04:43He was going to record a drama.
04:45But, I mean, that's not really...
04:51My grandad came home one day and said I brought a field in Laysdown.
04:54That was Priory Hill.
04:55That's where it all started.
04:56That was 1951.
04:57And so now, yeah, I suppose third generation.
05:0074 years later, I'm still at it.
05:03So the park's got two sites, Priory Hill and Nuts Farm.
05:07Nuts is just caravans.
05:08There's no club or anything on there, but it's right down on the seafront.
05:11Really lovely.
05:12Priory is caravans, chalets, an indoor swimming pool and a clubhouse.
05:17Nice club and bar, good food and legendary entertainment.
05:21I have two site directors working for me, Paul and Darren.
05:24Oh, hot.
05:25Everyone loves EastEnders, don't they?
05:30Eh...
05:31Mark is, like, a site manager.
05:33Jesus Christ.
05:35He gets involved in all sorts.
05:37They must have got it in.
05:38Everyone mucks in everywhere, to be fair.
05:40We all have a go at everything.
05:42Lovely.
05:43Ever since Covid, we ended up with quite a lot of empty pitches.
05:47People leaving for whatever reason.
05:48So it would be really great to fill those up.
05:51Because, obviously, that's a site for you.
05:52And every one of those pitches, we're not getting in.
05:54The thing is, with a holiday park, it's about keeping the balance between,
05:57obviously, mate, it's a business.
05:58We need to make money and pay the staff.
06:00And then also making it a nice and fun place for them to come.
06:04And I think Danny will definitely do both of those things.
06:08I was supposed to get hands-on at Priory Hill
06:10the moment the park opened for the new season.
06:14But on the eve of that opening, I wasn't thinking about my investment.
06:18Because I was busy at the Brit Awards.
06:22Chapel Rowan, good luck, babe.
06:25Promoting my new film.
06:28Now, unfortunately, Chapel couldn't be fucked to be here tonight, so...
06:32She sent us this message!
06:37And with the season running till November, I didn't think my flaky start would matter.
06:43So, coming in, where's Danny?
06:44Just down the same thing to Mark.
06:46We've got to open this gate and let you in, I suppose.
06:48Well, round rent has been paid, son.
06:49Is it?
06:50Okay, mate.
06:51Thank you very much.
06:52Thank you very much.
07:01Have you got so many teddies?
07:03Because I like teddies.
07:05Yeah, we should be here soon, all the fault.
07:07Well, just look out for his helicopter.
07:10Where's Danny?
07:12Who knows?
07:13Well, hopefully he comes down.
07:14He's got a park to run.
07:15Yeah!
07:17I wonder if there's anything behind the bar.
07:18How'd he get a pint put by Danny Dyer?
07:22So, what time is Danny coming down then?
07:25He's not coming today, sadly.
07:27Oh, ain't he?
07:28Oh, what?
07:29Oh, he ain't coming today.
07:30Do you have any idea?
07:32Nah, there's better things to do.
07:34Yeah.
07:42Hello.
07:43How you been, boys?
07:44Yeah, it's all right, mate.
07:45Yeah.
07:46I know you had the opening weekend.
07:47Yeah, well, there's a lot of disappointed people, mate,
07:49if I'm honest.
07:50They thought you were going to be here.
07:51Oh, you're joking.
07:52Obviously, we were waiting at the gate
07:53for you to open the gate with us.
07:55You're joking.
07:56Oh, no.
07:57And you can apologise.
07:59Oh, fucking hell.
08:00Cheers.
08:04Yeah, absolutely.
08:06So, we'll come and see you in a bit then, eh?
08:10I'm sure they'll be pleased to see you, mate.
08:12We'll see you later.
08:12See you later, guys.
08:13Ta-da.
08:13See you later, ta-da.
08:15Clearly, my absence hadn't gone down well,
08:17and Danny had more bad news.
08:20You know, I said about Facebook, how horrible it could be.
08:23We're sort of silent.
08:24What have we done to deserve this?
08:25This man could not run a bath,
08:27let alone manage a caravan site.
08:29That's horrible.
08:32He will not last a month, and he's probably already saying,
08:35what the fuck am I thinking?
08:36Strong words.
08:37That's quite true, though.
08:38You can come and see me any time you like.
08:40I'm at Nuts Farm in Laysdown, and it's a fantastic place.
08:43Love you.
08:43Right.
08:44So that's quite cool.
08:45You've been invited around someone's caravan.
08:46So what am I a fucking sex worker now?
08:48Yeah.
08:48Jesus Christ.
08:50We just need to keep our residence suite, our family.
08:53They're the ones that are important.
08:55So I need to go and have a meeting with them.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Open it up to them, and they're also a bit disappointed
09:00that I weren't there to open the gates.
09:01No.
09:02So I need to apologise for that.
09:03What if they're not up for it?
09:04What if they do hate me?
09:05Oh, look.
09:06You just don't know.
09:07You don't want to get too carried away with yourself, I understand.
09:09Yeah, no, I know what you mean.
09:10Because we are coming into their territory.
09:12Some people don't like change.
09:15And some people don't like Danny Dyer.
09:17Some people, there's a few people that don't like fucking Danny Dyer.
09:19Yeah, especially on Facebook.
09:25I wanted to hold the residence meeting sharpish.
09:32I needed to make an impact, get them on board,
09:35and convince them I was taking this venture seriously.
09:39Now, get your tyres in a minute.
09:40Let's get in first.
09:42Right.
09:44There we go.
09:46He's Danny around yet?
09:48Just pleased to see him tonight,
09:50because he's gorgeous.
09:52I don't know what the situation is,
09:54as if we can ask him questions,
09:57or...
09:57you know what I mean?
09:59Because there's lots and lots of rumours on this site,
10:02I'm telling you.
10:03I arrived at the park for the first time since landing myself in the doghouse.
10:08Shall we slip in now?
10:11I've called this meeting on because, for me personally,
10:16I don't know whether they're up for me being here.
10:19If we just went by Facebook, I'd probably fuck off home now, to be honest.
10:27I've never seen this club this busy.
10:30It's because it's famous, isn't it?
10:32All right.
10:35Mark, is there any chance we can get in?
10:38Bit cold out here.
10:40To give me some support,
10:41my old man had shown up for a bit of pre-meeting Dutch courage.
10:45Thanks for coming down here, Pop.
10:46I know that you're a busy man,
10:47so what do you think of this gaff, anyway?
10:49Yeah, it's nice.
10:49Bit of you, isn't it?
10:50Yeah.
10:50We're trying to just gauge it today.
10:52We're going to meet a few of these residents today,
10:54but these are our sort of people, aren't they?
10:55Yeah.
10:56Other than the Melbourne ones.
10:57We're on the same boat here, aren't they?
10:58We're on the same boat.
10:58All working people.
10:59Yeah.
11:00Just have a nice bit of time away.
11:01They just want to have a little weekend away, don't they?
11:03Away from, you know, reality.
11:06Leave the stress behind you, didn't they?
11:07Leave the washing at home.
11:09Leave the washing at home?
11:10You don't have to do any washing at home.
11:11You just take it all to Polly's.
11:13I can't even work my washing machine.
11:14No, you're right.
11:15He took his pants to the hiding lads.
11:17You can't take your pants.
11:18Well, no.
11:19It's a business around the corner called Polly's Parlour.
11:21She needs to work.
11:21Did you used to go, then, with Daddy to, like, the caravan,
11:24like, holidays?
11:25Yeah, I was my own one, didn't I?
11:26Yeah.
11:26I saw her.
11:27In a way, you was the one who introduced me to the caravan holidays.
11:30Yeah, so it was you that, yeah.
11:31It was years ago when I was kids.
11:33It's all you've done.
11:34It's caravans.
11:34Yeah, and you used to go when you was a little boy.
11:36You used to go down, er, Clacton, or Canvin.
11:39You knew more people down there, and you did it all.
11:41Oh, good.
11:42So, what are we going to do then, Rob?
11:43Are you going to throw a few in to him, or what?
11:46Are you going to tear into him?
11:47Yes, please.
11:47Are you going to tear into him?
11:48Do you know what?
11:49This is no other.
11:50I was the first one down here when they opened the gates.
11:53All the others are here.
11:55Guess who weren't here?
11:59What is it going?
12:01Here they are.
12:01Look at them.
12:02Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
12:04What a beautiful mob this is, look.
12:06Plot up wherever you want.
12:07Look at this legend here, look.
12:09Two pints on the gun, look.
12:10There's loads of people, isn't there?
12:12Yeah.
12:12You know what?
12:13I ain't took any calms.
12:15Oh, no.
12:16Yeah, I took an amodium.
12:17I don't have any good them calms.
12:21You're shitting yourself now.
12:22Your arse is laughing now, isn't it?
12:24No, no.
12:24Your arse is laughing.
12:27I bet you wish you took an amodium.
12:32After ghosting them on opening weekend,
12:34the staff were parked up front to hear what I had to say for meself.
12:37All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
12:40I've called this meeting on because, obviously,
12:42there's been a lot of press about this and, you know,
12:46what am I doing here, really?
12:47And I'll be straight with you.
12:49I love caravan holidays.
12:51I was brought up on them.
12:53So I've still got the nostalgia about it.
12:55And so I'm so impressed of how many people...
12:57It's so early in the season how many of you are here.
13:01So, really, I'm here to try to get people back in a caravan holiday,
13:07I suppose.
13:08I don't know how I'm going to do it.
13:09I have no idea.
13:09So, I'm going to open it up to you.
13:12What do you think I can do to maybe help you up,
13:16make this a better gaffe?
13:17There's a guy who's straight away with his hands up.
13:19Look, he's got to go.
13:20That's right.
13:20You're right, son.
13:22Where was your opening day?
13:24I've come driving in to see you.
13:30Well, I'll be honest with you, right?
13:32I've been everywhere at the moment.
13:33I've had a film cut up.
13:34Who's seen my film marching pad?
13:36Anybody?
13:39Contractually, I've had to graft on that film to get it out there,
13:41right?
13:42So, it's about me running around telling everyone it's in the cinemas,
13:45right?
13:46I've had to do it, mate.
13:47That's why I couldn't make it.
13:48Fair play.
13:48And I do apologise about that.
13:51Go on, mate.
13:52I'm on Nuts Farm.
13:54Okay.
13:54When I was a kid, we spent our summers down here,
13:57all of our weekends, and they always had a sports day on the field.
14:00Right.
14:00Which was fantastic.
14:02And everybody got involved, the whole community,
14:04everyone will join in.
14:06Getting everyone involved.
14:07Yeah.
14:07Well, don't do that now.
14:08No.
14:09Okay.
14:10So, that would be a really good one.
14:11Love that.
14:12Okay.
14:12Dan?
14:13I'll put it down.
14:14Oh, she's lively.
14:14Look, she's done it already.
14:15I'll put a sports day down.
14:16Is everyone up for that?
14:17Sports things.
14:18Is everyone getting involved in it?
14:21I'll come to you in a minute.
14:22Go on, bud.
14:22We're on Nuts Farm.
14:24You're on Nuts Farm as well?
14:25Yeah.
14:25Is there a rivalry between Nuts Farm and...
14:28Oh, there it is.
14:31Oh, leave off.
14:33We're going to bring everyone together.
14:35Okay, go on.
14:35Right.
14:36Nuts Farm.
14:36Okay, hold on.
14:38Go on.
14:38The kids have, like, a little green area.
14:41Yep.
14:41There's absolutely nothing for the children at all on Nuts Farm.
14:46So, it's just a bit of grass.
14:47Yeah.
14:48And they would absolutely love to see goalposts on there,
14:53so that they could play football.
14:55Really?
14:55Okay.
14:56That's doable, that.
14:57That's doable.
14:58Go on, mate.
14:59We have a lot of singers over here,
15:00but we don't have no magic shows or comedians
15:03and things like that.
15:05It's the same thing.
15:05I was going to ask you about that.
15:06The entertainment for the adults of a night.
15:08What is it really?
15:09Just singing.
15:09Just singing.
15:10And half of them are terrible.
15:12Who do you have, like, Tribune?
15:13Is it half of them?
15:15No, he's being straight.
15:19What had been billed as a Q&A with me
15:21was turning into an assassination of the existing staff?
15:25And maybe a dartboard,
15:27so they can play darts and have a darts tournament.
15:29What about that dartboard?
15:30No.
15:31You could have pig races.
15:33And the bar open later.
15:34And the bar open?
15:34Which one's the bar closed here?
15:36No.
15:37I want two.
15:3712?
15:38Two bells?
15:39Is that doable?
15:40No.
15:40Why not?
15:42We've got to be back at 9 in the morning.
15:44We'll have a chat about this, don't we?
15:46And the truth is, I wasn't helping.
15:49Updating on the furniture.
15:50What do you want?
15:51Shades long.
15:53They asked if they can get a smoking shelter.
15:55That's well doable.
15:56Don't you, right?
15:57If this isn't taking liberties,
15:59a nice outdoor swimming pool.
16:01Going to get the bikini on here?
16:02Get involved?
16:04Talking about swimming pools and ponies,
16:06if you could stop doing them in the swimming pool,
16:08then yeah, that'd be nice.
16:09Right, any chance you could stop shitting in the swimming pool,
16:12I do apologise.
16:13It's a very simple request if you can.
16:15Sorry.
16:16I'm sorry.
16:17I knew it was you.
16:20A million questions later, we were still at it,
16:24and things were getting awkward.
16:27There's so many rules, but then they chop and change them when it suits them.
16:33I've got dogs, and I'd like to build a little fenced bit round by where my door is,
16:38so I can just let them out.
16:39Yeah.
16:39Have a quick wee wee.
16:41In the middle of the fields where the chalets are,
16:43the light isn't working, and it hasn't been working for ages.
16:46That'd be nice to me.
16:48It's not like when we're coming back from the club at night-time,
16:50so it's really dark.
16:50Especially if it's staying real bad.
16:51When we're out.
16:52Look at that.
16:53One of the lights aren't working.
16:55Isn't it?
16:56I bet you're gutted I've called this meeting on now.
16:57You and I look at them sitting in their seats.
17:00Right, listen, I really appreciate you,
17:02all your wonderful people.
17:04I'm going to try my best.
17:04There's a lot of brilliant suggestions, by the way,
17:06about the kids and the adults.
17:09Definitely entertainment.
17:10A lot of love in this room.
17:11We've got to look after each other, all right?
17:13So no more of this nuts against Priory.
17:15Let's help boil that caper.
17:17All right, we're all in this together, yeah?
17:18So for me and my wonderful daughter,
17:21I'll see you knocking about, all right?
17:24Lovely evening.
17:25Thank you so much.
17:26I appreciate everything you want here.
17:35Ah, good hell, eh?
17:37I'm trying my best to sort this gaff out.
17:38Yeah, no, I'd be good at your job, mate.
17:39It just needs a few things, doesn't it?
17:40Yeah, yeah.
17:41It started off well, and as it went on,
17:44I think it turned more into, from an idea session,
17:46more into just complaints.
17:49Just, I'm not happy about this.
17:52The minute they knew he was here,
17:54and they had a chance to have their little say,
17:56it was going to be full of people just, like, caning us.
17:59Um, oh, my God, I can't believe the audience.
18:02You don't want to let anyone down.
18:03These are people that are paying their money.
18:05They're customers.
18:06Yeah.
18:06Now, we can't implement everything.
18:08They say the customer's always right, don't they?
18:10They do, unless they're a twat.
18:11Some of the stuff they've suggested,
18:13we've talked about in the past,
18:15but some of it's just not realistic.
18:18Some of them are very, very easily done.
18:21Yeah.
18:21Little football pitches is an absolute given.
18:23Oh, so easy.
18:24Goalposts, we've always talked about,
18:25but then no-one wants the goalposts
18:27or the adventure playground
18:28outside their caravan or chalet.
18:30That's always a bit tricky.
18:31It's little things,
18:32like maybe one of the lights weren't working
18:33over near the grass.
18:34Would you understand?
18:35That should have been fixed.
18:35And the light on the field,
18:37we took that out, didn't we?
18:38Yeah.
18:38Because that attracts groups of teenagers.
18:41Exactly.
18:41And we're getting people complaining
18:42that we've got, you know, people,
18:44teenagers, playing in the field
18:45at four o'clock in the morning,
18:46making loads of noise, keeping them awake.
18:48The outdoor swimming pool's a little bit.
18:49Yeah.
18:51So where'd you start with that?
18:52I thought swimming pools are like £40,000.
18:54More than that.
18:55But I am.
18:55The indoor swimming pool,
18:57in 1991 when it was built,
18:59cost a quarter of a million pounds.
19:00Yeah, that's a long while ago.
19:01I dread to think that would cost now.
19:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:03And we know how much trouble an indoor is.
19:05Yeah.
19:05We like people shitting in it.
19:07We need to stop people shitting in the swimming pool.
19:08That's kids, that's kids, that's kids.
19:10It's an accident.
19:11Well, apparently it was a big log.
19:12Yeah, but Santi, some of his shit.
19:14That's a nightmare for being you.
19:16Having to shut the pool,
19:16get everyone out, go and leave it.
19:18Clean it, yeah.
19:18Overdose the chlorine.
19:19Funny that no one ever admits it was them, yeah.
19:21Well, I shat in the bath once, didn't I remember?
19:23Was you ill?
19:23Me and my brother used to have a bath,
19:25and I shat in it and I pushed it up his end
19:27and he got in trouble for it.
19:28So, why would you do that?
19:29He's never forgiven me.
19:30Well, because I didn't want to get in trouble.
19:31He definitely threw us to the walls there as well.
19:33I think we shouldn't have been sitting there.
19:35It might have been better if we were somewhere else
19:36and he had his little one-to-one with all of them.
19:38What am I doing here?
19:39Can you just chuck money at something
19:42and hope it sorts itself out?
19:44Some people just love him home.
19:46He's gonna find out pretty soon
19:48that he ain't gonna be able to promise all them people
19:50or all them things.
19:51No.
19:54It's daunting.
19:55Yeah.
19:55I don't want to let these people down.
19:57No.
19:58Can I do it in the time I've got?
20:11Look at that, a cheeseburger puff.
20:14You'd love that, wouldn't you?
20:15So it's got a burger in that puff?
20:17Yeah.
20:17Yeah, with cheese and tomato relish.
20:20Look at them Belgian buns.
20:22Some people call these a booby cake.
20:24Booby cake, yeah.
20:27Do you think the meeting went well?
20:29God, didn't the hands go up?
20:30The hands did go up.
20:31I thought it was gonna be quite shy.
20:32Yeah.
20:33But they was well up for it.
20:34They was well up for it.
20:35And so they should be.
20:36They're paying a lot of money.
20:36Yeah.
20:37But there definitely needs improvements.
20:41The morning after my first meeting with the residents,
20:44we were armed with a decent breakfast
20:46and on our way to a crucial sit-down.
20:49Oh, a nice brisk walk.
20:50You walk so fast.
20:52I'm like jogging when you're walking.
20:54I'd arranged a meeting with Jimmy's sister, Alex,
20:57who controls the park's purse strings
20:59and could give us the lowdown on the business.
21:03So if you basically do the maths,
21:05we've got 38 empty pitches.
21:07Yeah.
21:07Yeah.
21:07So each pitch is between 3,500 to 4,000.
21:10So if you can, you know, multiply 38 pitches by that number,
21:15we're losing about 150 grand in revenue.
21:18Wow.
21:19Yeah, a year.
21:20Serious amount of dough, isn't it?
21:21If you can reinvest that back in.
21:23But the hardest thing to do is sell these plots, isn't it,
21:26at the moment.
21:27Nobody's got any money.
21:28Yeah.
21:28We did the residence evening and a lot of moaning.
21:33Yeah, there was a lot of things that they wanted us to improve on
21:36and add on.
21:37And it's all good having the ideas, but obviously financially,
21:40it's like, how do you do it?
21:41Yeah.
21:41You know, so same things like we're saying, let's build a park.
21:45Depends kind of what scale you're looking at.
21:46For a good one, about 20 grand, I'd say.
21:48About 20, yeah.
21:49I thought that would be about 20 grand.
21:50But if you're looking at a smaller scale one, probably between 5 and 10.
21:54Yeah, but it's a bollocky one.
21:55But Latino just probably won't want to hang out if it's a bollocky one.
21:59Yeah.
22:00Right, so what happens, Al, if we don't do this and we don't sell caravans
22:04and we don't get them filled?
22:06What's the worst case scenario?
22:07If it gets to a certain point where we don't make enough money
22:10to cover our expenses, then we're looking at losing some people.
22:14I want to keep people engraft.
22:16Absolutely.
22:17Because everyone's integral to this gaff, isn't they?
22:19Yeah.
22:19And because we are a family business, there's people that have worked here for years.
22:23Exactly.
22:24We've got a bond.
22:25Yeah, we've all got a bond, yeah.
22:26And we don't want to lose that.
22:27But unfortunately, like any other business, it comes down to making profits.
22:31And if we're not, then...
22:33Then people have to go.
22:35It's the vans which will earn us the money, innit?
22:38Yeah, exactly.
22:39But also, I think a lot of it is about our exposure.
22:41People don't necessarily know we're here.
22:43So he's talking about advertising.
22:45Yeah.
22:46I wanted to chuck a big billboard on the Isle of Shelby Bridge.
22:49Well, you know, you come over that bridge and...
22:50There's no signs or anything there, is it?
22:53It's all a bit depressing.
22:54And so you go, well, you know, I suppose it's making people aware of this place
22:58and then them coming down and looking at the facilities and going,
23:01oh, I fancy a bit of this.
23:02Yeah.
23:02So, yeah, if you can fill up those plots as much as you can, then...
23:07Advertising, get it out there, do whatever we've got to do.
23:09Yeah.
23:10To make good on my time and my investment, we needed one thing, more customers.
23:15To get them, we had to advertise.
23:18And Sheppey Bridge is where the Dyers were going to make their mark.
23:21With over a million vehicles crossing the gateway to Sheppey each year.
23:25Soon enough, the world would know the names.
23:28Nuts and Priory.
23:30I wanted to inquire about this poster, this billboard.
23:32I've never done one before.
23:34They're coming over that fucking bridge, having some sort of billboard on the phone.
23:37Now, obviously, I want something that's going to stand out.
23:42How big, though?
23:42What? Big.
23:43I can't quite put it into words, what I mean.
23:46Back in the day, everyone would have to drive to the island
23:48if they wanted to buy a holiday home.
23:50Now you just go online.
23:51I want people to look at it and sort of go, what the fuck?
23:54If they've got a lorry, you want a lorry. You want a bigger lorry.
23:56What?
23:56I want it to get people's attention.
23:58I think it's important, though.
24:00Yeah, I think so. In today's day, especially.
24:02Have a little think about it.
24:03I want you to play with it as much as you can, all right?
24:05Don't be shy and then ping me over some options.
24:07Just depends how much it costs, I suppose, isn't it?
24:09Well, I'll get on it.
24:11I want this to be something that people remember, OK?
24:15All right. Cheers.
24:18Lovely.
24:21With a designer set to work,
24:24the next step was to meet a local farmer
24:27who could rent us a spot for a billboard.
24:35So, look, over here.
24:37Yeah.
24:38This is the rival, Hearts.
24:40We want a bigger one than that.
24:42We've got to try and convince people to...
24:44that when you go over that bridge, you're going to heaven.
24:47Yeah.
24:48So, we've got to meet Paul, the farmer.
24:50Nice.
24:50I like a farmer.
24:51Yeah.
24:52So, let's hope it's the right field.
24:53Yeah.
24:53Hope Paul's a nice geyser.
24:55It's mad how farmers run a field, innit?
24:56Like, own a field.
24:57Well, it's their game, innit?
24:58In the field game.
24:59Let's just hope he doesn't turn up with a sawn-off.
25:01Yeah.
25:02Because they do like a shooter, don't they?
25:03They do.
25:05Here he is.
25:06He's got a beer, innit?
25:08No.
25:08Didn't get a fun back.
25:09OK.
25:09Got a straight blank.
25:11Has he got the ant, or...?
25:12I don't know.
25:13How are you, Paul?
25:14Yeah, not too bad.
25:15I'm Danny.
25:16You're Danny, right.
25:17Hello, Paul.
25:17This is my lovely daughter, Danny.
25:18I'm Danny.
25:19Nice to meet you, Paul.
25:20Hello.
25:20Two Dannys, eh?
25:21Two Dannys.
25:22So, this is your bit of plot, is it, Paul?
25:26Yeah.
25:27Well, I graze it.
25:29You graze it?
25:30Yeah, I graze it.
25:32That's hard work, innit?
25:33Well, the cattle graze it.
25:35I don't graze it myself.
25:36Yeah.
25:37What's up, you put your whiskey on it?
25:39I have a bit of a heart problem.
25:41Oh.
25:41Oh, I'm so sorry.
25:43I had a pacemaker fitted, and I've got to get to the hospital and get it readjusted,
25:48because it's not working quite right.
25:51Oh, Paul.
25:53Well, we don't want to keep you too long, Paul.
25:55We're working at the Nuts and Priory caravan site.
25:57Yep.
25:58It's a lovely caravan site.
25:59Have you been down there?
26:00No, I don't know where you are.
26:01I don't know where you are.
26:02So, you've never heard of it?
26:04No.
26:04Well, we need to market this place, because obviously you don't even know where it is,
26:07and you're from this area.
26:08Yep.
26:09So, what's the price for that one?
26:12Well, two grand.
26:14Two grand, yeah?
26:15Oh, I see.
26:16What, this one here?
26:16Yeah.
26:17Well, that's the Ferry House Inn, where they do a lot of weddings.
26:21Okay, gotcha.
26:22You're getting married, aren't you, darling?
26:23Yeah, we go.
26:24Getting married to the West Ham captain.
26:26Oh, the West Ham captain, yeah.
26:27A bit gutted, really.
26:28I'd like to marry him myself, Paul.
26:30Of course he doesn't swing my way.
26:32No, he doesn't.
26:32But you never know, because...
26:34You never know.
26:34Could I have another wedding?
26:36I'm joking, Paul.
26:38So, how much would the bigger ones be?
26:40Well, that's what I'm telling you.
26:41Two grand.
26:41So, that's two grand.
26:42Okay, because this one seems smaller.
26:44Yeah, yeah.
26:44He's still paying two grand.
26:45No, he's a bit less.
26:47Oh, he's less, is he?
26:48The hearts?
26:49Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:49Ah, I see.
26:50For being a gent, two and a half grand, I think, we're treating to.
26:53Two and a half, yeah.
26:54Because you've got the trouble with the old dicky.
26:58Go on, son, you can slip off now.
26:59Just snap a lock shut on the gate when you go.
27:01Yeah, no, I will do.
27:02I'll do that.
27:02Don't worry, son.
27:03Okay, thank you.
27:05Farmer Paul had played my heartstrings to the tune of two and a half grand, but we'd
27:10landed the perfect plot for our billboard.
27:14Now, I wanted to get straight back to the park.
27:18I couldn't shake the thought that we'd mugged off our new colleagues at the residence meeting,
27:23but I reckon we could win them over by rolling up our sleeves and getting stuck into some hard graft.
27:29Oh, I've got a bit of respect on me.
27:32There are 26 acres of grass on Pryor Hill, and it doesn't cut itself.
27:38Well done, that's it. Perfect.
27:42Luckily, site manager Mark was on hand to steer us through it.
27:46What happened there? You panicked?
27:48It just wobbled a bit.
27:49My heart, I'm not going to lie.
27:50Mine did at all.
27:51So this is one of the two main fields.
27:52It's best to start here, because you're not near any objects.
27:55They're trusting us to cut their grass.
27:57Well, that's right, yeah.
27:58Have a bit of faith.
28:00That's it.
28:01The brake's already off.
28:02So if you just go...
28:16HA HA HA HA HA
28:18Asia
28:25Oh, yes!
28:36It's just a bit wet, so if you lift your blades up,
28:38that's it, hold them all the way up.
28:39And now try and back out, you might get out.
28:42No, so just hold them up and then let go, that's it.
28:45Oh, I see, what?
28:45Let's see if you can get out.
28:49Forwards.
28:54Go on, all the way, floor it.
28:56Go on, my son.
28:57Go on, keep going, don't let it off, don't let it off.
29:02Fucking hell.
29:03Smashing it now.
29:04Come out of the way.
29:06Fucking have your legs off.
29:08There we go, nice.
29:09Give it a bit of welling.
29:17You stalled it again.
29:18Who stalled it again?
29:22I mean, I'm pretty sure someone in the world has stalled it once.
29:25I'm not sure if anyone stalled it twice.
29:27The state I've made of this, look.
29:30Are you proud of yourself?
29:31I would say this is what you call a job, do you know what I mean?
29:33Harder than going to Love Island.
29:35Oh, much harder. That ain't a job, is it?
29:37Nah, it's your fuck.
29:38Missed half of it here, look.
29:40I let my young boy have a go on the grass cuttle once.
29:43Not on that one you didn't.
29:44He was better, didn't he?
29:45Yeah, but not on that you didn't.
29:46How old is he?
29:47Four.
29:47He's four?
29:49That one, I can see, that one's nice, that's elegant.
29:51It's more feminine, isn't it?
29:53Out of the two, you'd say that one had a pair of tits.
29:56Would you?
29:57Yes.
29:58Brilliant.
29:59Oh, it's a rainbow!
30:01Yeah, see?
30:01The omens are good, Mark.
30:03When was the last time you had a rainbow here?
30:06Regularly.
30:06Oh.
30:07I'm costing money?
30:08Because now they've got to sort this bollocks out.
30:10Come on, let's go.
30:11Fuck's sake.
30:13I think we've had a go.
30:15I've mugged off the dire name a little bit.
30:17No.
30:17Well, you know, it's not my game, is it?
30:20You know, could Mark do Pinter?
30:22No.
30:22Could he do a six-month run at the National Theatre?
30:24Probably not.
30:25Oh, fuck off.
30:25I'm just saying, you know.
30:26Eight shows a week.
30:34It's different to snap, love.
30:36Different.
30:36Entirely.
30:37Right?
30:38Might be a bit complicated.
30:40Oh, it's taken an hour.
30:41It might be a bit complicated for you.
30:44Oh, let's play something else.
30:50So, interested to see what we all thought of the meeting.
30:55Do you feel it went well?
30:57It's how much influence he's going to have on management.
31:01I think they were shocked at some of the questions and...
31:04Yeah.
31:04Yeah.
31:05Sometimes the truth comes out and people, oh, God, didn't expect that.
31:09Yeah.
31:10It's important for us to make sure we hold Danny and Danny to account.
31:16Yeah, yeah.
31:17You've also got to give him time.
31:19He's told us what he intends to do, and it ain't going to happen in a week.
31:24You know, we've got to give him time to establish and plan.
31:29And if we get it, all well and good.
31:31Yeah, yeah.
31:35His grass-cutting skills need a little bit of improving.
31:39Yeah.
31:40Danny's coped well with a gorilla, didn't she?
31:42Yeah.
31:42And Mark said that she wasn't...
31:44She was all right on the normal mower, but she did get her foot stuck at one point.
31:47And he did panic at one point.
31:47Oh, bloody hell.
31:48Or did it?
31:48Jesus.
31:49Danny did say at the end of the day, I'm not sure about this manual labour, mate.
31:52I want to get stuck into the other stuff.
31:55But there's a few more manual labour jobs we're getting doing, surely.
31:57All part of it, right?
31:58It's all part of it, yeah.
31:59If you want to run our holiday park, that's where you've got to do it.
32:01It starts at the bottom, right?
32:02Yeah.
32:02Work your way up.
32:05We had a lot to do.
32:07So while I did the rounds...
32:09Hello.
32:10Sun's out finally, eh?
32:12Danny got stuck into spring cleaning one of the empty vans
32:15to turn it into something we could actually sell.
32:18Trouble is, he hadn't seen a sponge since West Ham won the lead.
32:23It's just a bit of a shithole in here at the minute.
32:25It just feels like it just needs so much love.
32:29Don't know I stand that toilet, to be honest.
32:32Go on, mate.
32:34Pleasure.
32:35Look like I'm bagged up.
32:36Look like I'm in the nick.
32:37Boys, see yous later.
32:39Time, mate.
32:43Just picked up me drugs.
32:44Perfect.
32:45It's me sorted for the summer.
32:48I don't know who's been in it.
32:49I feel like it's been a lovely little old lady.
32:52I'm assuming it's a lady.
32:54Saging the curtains.
32:58My friends look at me and they're like,
33:00what the fuck has happened to her?
33:02Gonna get this gaff back to its glory days.
33:04It's important I've got to generate money
33:06to try and put the things in place
33:08that this caravan site really does need.
33:12I didn't realise, 38 plots,
33:13if you try and add it all up,
33:14that's 150 grand that this caravan site can benefit from.
33:19150 grand.
33:20Where do you find that sort of dough?
33:22Where do you find the people that are willing to do it in lays down?
33:25You know?
33:25It seems impossible to me.
33:27I'm gonna try my very best to try and make it happen.
33:30Are these all your kids?
33:32Two of them are, yeah.
33:33Oh, are they?
33:34It's great, isn't it?
33:34How they can play out and be safe.
33:36This is why we're here.
33:37Yeah.
33:37He is such a people-pleaser, my dad.
33:39He's such a lovely trait to have.
33:41And I think for him, you know,
33:43he doesn't want to let anyone down.
33:44I love these sort of people.
33:46These are my people.
33:47And so I want to make this gaff right again.
33:49You know, I...
33:51I don't know how I'm gonna do it.
33:52I just don't.
33:54But I'm passionate enough to try.
33:57On the Titanic, I would have saved him.
33:59Absolutely.
34:00Like, he's just...
34:02We're really good mates.
34:03My first-born child, Danny.
34:05She is, you know, the almost...
34:08I'm not gonna say smarter Danny, though,
34:10because I won't have that.
34:11But she brings an energy that I need.
34:14You know when your brain just doesn't want to remember things?
34:17Like, it just blocks it out.
34:19He went to rehab a couple of times.
34:20I remember the first time.
34:21I didn't really remember the first time that he went.
34:25And I wrote him a letter.
34:26I still to this start, I can't remember what I wrote.
34:28You know, like, when everything was such a bubble
34:30and everything was just so intense at the time.
34:34And I knew he'd gone, but I knew that there was a reason.
34:36Like, if he hadn't gone away, like, God knows where he'd be now.
34:40When he goes, I'll have to stuff him,
34:41because I need him in my garden forever.
34:45He can never leave me.
34:48He has to outlive us all.
34:51What the hell is that?
34:53Oh, my God, it's my side.
34:54I need it.
35:01I had one last stop on my rounds.
35:03Hello, mate.
35:04Hello, squire.
35:05How you doing, geese?
35:06A chance to talk to one of the park's more vocal characters, Tony.
35:10How long you been here for then, Tony?
35:12So 1960.
35:14My old man, the old lady, bought a shally down the main rack.
35:17And the old man went,
35:17Look, I've got to open up the door.
35:19Yeah.
35:20And I'm looking at the sea, which you could see there.
35:22Yeah, yeah.
35:23Down straight down the road.
35:24You know, and...
35:24Oh, cos you had less?
35:26Yeah.
35:26Yeah, of course you could, yeah.
35:27Yeah, I mean, we come down in 1960 with our family.
35:30Yep.
35:30And I've never wanted to leave down.
35:32Wow.
35:33I mean, I'm 68, I've had a good run.
35:35But if I get two more years down here, I'll be over the moon.
35:38I've had my life.
35:39Yeah.
35:39I've got cancer now, so...
35:41It is what it is.
35:42Right.
35:42I've got cancer of the liver.
35:44Right.
35:45Non-alcoholic.
35:46It was through smoking and me lifestyle.
35:49Yeah, of course it was.
35:50Right?
35:51It can't be cured.
35:52Yeah.
35:53It is what it is.
35:54Well, I'm sorry to hear about that, Tony, this fucking cancer thing.
35:57I mean, it's affecting so many people and, you know,
36:00I've lost a couple of people to it.
36:01It frightens a lot out of me.
36:02Yeah.
36:03I'm still smoking away, me and all.
36:04I know I've got to give it up.
36:05But, you know, you seem like you're just getting on with things.
36:08I hope to God you go.
36:09I hope to God you give up.
36:10You go.
36:11I know, mate.
36:11I know, mate.
36:11I know.
36:11Look at your grandkids and go, you know what?
36:14I want to see you grow up.
36:15Yeah, of course.
36:16You only got one shot of this.
36:18No, I know, mate.
36:18You don't get a second go, do you?
36:20You don't get a second go.
36:21So do yourself a favour and knock it on the head.
36:23I appreciate that.
36:24I mean it, son.
36:25I really do.
36:25That's from the heart.
36:26It's very lovely.
36:27You take it easy, Daniel.
36:28So turn it on, yeah?
36:30What a legend, Todd.
36:33God bless.
36:46I know there's something about sitting in front of the sea.
36:49It makes me think about the people that live here.
36:51The people that come here, love it, cherish it.
36:55People like the wonderful Tony, who is at the last chapter of his life.
37:01And he wants to spend his last days here, really, you know?
37:06You know, I really would love to do something for him.
37:10And make this place slightly better, if I can.
37:14Just so it's more pleasant for him, somehow.
37:17So, you know, let's hope that Tony fucking is going to be sweet as enough.
37:21He seems good as gold.
37:22You know, like, it's sort of affected me in a way where I realise how important this gaff is to
37:26people.
37:42Right, one, two, three.
37:50They're nice.
37:51They're nice.
37:54That's better than the beach.
37:56No sand in your feet.
38:02Double espresso?
38:04Yes, darling.
38:05Danny and I were ready to make a big decision that we hoped would attract new customers and fill those
38:11empty plots.
38:12Any chance?
38:15I'm trying my best.
38:17I've got to make a decision.
38:18Shut up.
38:20Talk to your father like that.
38:22The size of the cup, maybe a double espresso.
38:25Yeah, I know.
38:26Right, Dan, so, the designer.
38:30Obviously, I've given him a couple of ideas, but now he's pinged over what he thinks would be cool.
38:35Yeah, absolutely.
38:36Remember, we need something to stand out, sound bold.
38:38Yeah.
38:38Something that goes nuts and priming is in the Isle of Shelby, and it's the best caravan site in the
38:45country.
38:45Yeah, I agree.
38:47All right, so, let's see what this geezer's got about him.
38:52That's nice.
38:53Home from home.
38:54I don't like that smudge of me, to be honest.
38:56Yeah, I don't think it's your best.
38:57Yeah.
38:57Probably because you ate eight sausages a night before that, didn't you?
39:01Again.
39:02I can't.
39:02Look at the tits.
39:03I can't have that.
39:04What?
39:05The tits are a bit titty.
39:07Look at you, dear.
39:08Yeah, I know.
39:08That's what I can look like when I have three hours of hair and make-up.
39:11Is that your old hooter?
39:13That's upset me.
39:14And why is it?
39:15You just said I've had eight sausages.
39:16I've had my nose done...
39:17I've had my nose done how many years ago now?
39:20Just fuck this, sis.
39:21I don't know what's going on.
39:21Why are we associating...
39:22Why are we in, like, mountains?
39:23With America?
39:28Gorillas?
39:28I don't know what's going on here.
39:30It's the nuts.
39:31Two gorillas sort of staring at each other and laughing.
39:35Although you're not happy about being a gorilla.
39:37No.
39:37I don't think I've ever been this happy.
39:39Maybe that's you.
39:40I think you definitely evolved from a monkey.
39:46This is the one.
39:48That's good.
39:49That's the one.
39:50I think it is the one.
39:51You can't help but not look.
39:53Yeah.
39:54Over the moon.
39:57I just hope it doesn't cause a ten-car pileup.
40:07I can't wait to see what they come up with.
40:09Should be good.
40:15What I realise is there's only so much we can do as a park.
40:18Ourselves.
40:19We can try and promote ourselves.
40:20And it's getting quite urgent.
40:21And we really need Danny and Danny to help sell some of these pitches.
40:25And definitely we need it.
40:28Hopefully they get the feeling of what it's like to run a holiday park.
40:31Because some days it's great fun and some days it's fucking horrific.
40:41Pretty soon we were back in the fields with Farmer Paul.
40:47Waiting for our brilliant billboard to arrive.
40:50It's a new job to me this is.
40:52We're very excited about it.
40:53We haven't seen it yet.
40:54No we haven't seen it.
40:55And obviously when it arrives you're going to have to tell us where we're allowed to put it.
40:58Well we've got to go up the field.
40:59Yeah.
41:00There's two there and there's those two over there somewhere in the middle.
41:03Okay.
41:03I hope obviously this being your plot that you approve.
41:07Everybody's got to live and let live haven't they?
41:10Yeah that's what I like to do.
41:10Yeah I like that.
41:11Live and let live.
41:12I like that.
41:12Or live and let die.
41:15He likes to sing.
41:16Well you know it's important to sing Paul isn't it?
41:18You're a singer.
41:18It is important.
41:18Claire my wife is.
41:20Where is she?
41:20Well she's gone to London to some theatre or something or other.
41:25Don't ask me.
41:26Here we go.
41:27Oh this is so hard.
41:28I can't.
41:29Oh yes.
41:31Oh.
41:31Get yourself in here mate.
41:33As long as you can get it in there without knocking the gate post down we're alright.
41:38Go on my son.
41:39It's massive.
41:43What have we done here?
41:45I don't think you can get it in can I?
41:48Oh it's tight.
41:50Oh it's tight.
41:54Look at the size of that Dan look.
41:55It ain't got to be that big is it?
41:57Yes.
41:57Long here.
41:58Massive great trailer isn't it?
42:00Come out of the way Dan before you die.
42:03That's it.
42:04Go out across here a bit though.
42:05That's it.
42:07Well done.
42:10What's that look like?
42:12That's the fucking one isn't it?
42:14Oh.
42:15If they can't see that they shouldn't be driving on the road.
42:19They'll be looking at that one so much they won't look at the hearts one.
42:22Well it's who's got the best picture hasn't it?
42:24Yeah exactly so.
42:25Have you seen your picture?
42:26Er yes.
42:28Amazing it is.
42:29It's perfect.
42:30Is it?
42:31They know what they're doing these people do now look.
42:34How the hell are they doing?
42:36They must be tall to get up there.
42:37What how tall do you think now?
42:39Eight foot?
42:39No it couldn't be me putting it up would it?
42:41Imagine me five foot one.
42:42Diddy little thing.
42:44So that's the one that ate six foot so.
42:45Well I actually had my height done.
42:47Yeah.
42:47Five foot eleven and three quarters I am.
42:50But it's not six so.
42:51Well it is isn't it?
42:52It's more six than not.
42:53It's not.
42:55Sweet boys.
42:56Hello.
42:57Bit of a nutty job this one isn't it?
42:59It is a bit.
43:00How are you doing?
43:01Hello Danny.
43:02Nice to meet you.
43:03Well there's your blank canvas.
43:05Right.
43:06Do you want to crack on them boys?
43:08Right let's get it over.
43:09There's your artwork look.
43:10Well it's a big job isn't it?
43:15I thought they just painted it on or something.
43:18Well it's a big poster babe isn't it?
43:25It's the right way up isn't it?
43:26Yeah.
43:27Do you think the earth is round?
43:29Huh?
43:30Do you think the earth is round?
43:31Definitely yeah.
43:34What do you do?
43:35No I don't.
43:37I was going to say not flat earth are you?
43:38Yeah.
43:39Them fucking loons.
43:53It's so funny.
43:56Do you know what it is Dan?
43:58It's nuts.
44:00It's fucking perfect.
44:02Do you think they'll like it?
44:04Next time.
44:06Oh fucking hell.
44:07The billboard goes down like warm lager.
44:10Holy shit.
44:11That's mental.
44:13I'm not sure about that.
44:14What are we trying to promote here?
44:16A family friendly holiday park right?
44:19Family run.
44:21We let off some steam.
44:23I've had enough here.
44:25There you go Dan.
44:27Let's have it.
44:27And sports day is back with a bang.
44:30Oh.
44:31I'm very glad I can fix that.
44:40I know a place where the sun hits the sky.
44:47Everything changes and blows down the line.
44:52Everyone knows why my tongue can't be tied.
44:59Cause I want to live with a sun.
45:05I know that I'm so happy.
45:09Next time.
45:10Then we'll see you next time talking.
45:11Step 2 to the earth.
45:11Step 3
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