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00:00.
00:33All right, Webster.
00:35And finally, dogs.
00:38I just wish they'd bring bat wings back in fashion again.
00:43The quirky canine compadres are not our amigos, Lily.
00:48If you see one, jump up behind a letterbox, withdraw.
00:52Now, I've printed off a few bullet points, re-health and safety, for the paper round.
00:58Victor.
00:59Right.
01:00How do I look?
01:03Well, we not lose you in a pea-super.
01:06Now, you've got your papers?
01:07Yes.
01:10Once more, unto the breach, dear friends, once more, good luck, Lily.
01:15May the delivery gods be with thee.
01:18Thanks.
01:19See you later.
01:20Ooh!
01:21What a lovely jerkin.
01:23Is Lily your new paper girl?
01:25How on earth did you guess?
01:26Oh, I do have somewhat of a sixth sense when it comes to these things.
01:31Ooh!
01:32What's that, Bri-Bri?
01:33Oh!
01:34It's a, er...
01:36Very rare edition of The Woman in White.
01:40Tights.
01:41Sorry?
01:41I read a book once called The Woman in White Tights.
01:45It's about a woman who wore white tights.
01:50No.
01:51It's the famous book by Wilkie Collins.
01:54Oh!
01:55Imagine calling your kid Wilkie, Rita.
01:57You may as well stick a sign on his head saying, go on then, bully me.
02:01Well, you know...
02:01The Woman in White is a very famous book.
02:04Well, if it's anything like The Woman in White Tights, it will be a huge disappointment.
02:10Now, Rita, before Brian bores us to death with any further literary pretensions,
02:14I wondered whether or not you cared to join me for a snifter or two later in the bistro.
02:19Brian, is my programme on tonight?
02:21No, it's tomorrow.
02:22Oh, well, that's very nice, don't you?
02:25I can't believe you've never heard of The Woman in White, Mary.
02:28Yeah, and I can't believe you've never heard of The Woman in White Tights.
02:32Ciao, Rita.
02:33I'll film up a time later via text.
02:35I must dash.
02:36I need to bleach my splash bags.
02:41That's all gone through.
02:43So, come on then.
02:44How is she?
02:46Well, if I'm missing her, I don't know how you must be feeling.
02:49Well, erm...
02:50She seems OK.
02:51She's holding up OK, despite everything, you know.
02:53Bless her.
02:55Yeah.
02:55Will you give her my love next time you talk to her?
02:57Yeah, of course.
02:58Me and Kev are going to go and see her later.
03:01Hey, Bernie, listen.
03:02Has, erm...
03:03Debbie ever...
03:04Has she ever said anything to you about...
03:07About what?
03:07Carl.
03:08Carl?
03:09In what way?
03:11Well, nothing out of the ordinary, you know,
03:13except that she's always been really fond of him.
03:16Oh, hello.
03:17Speak of the Devil.
03:19Are you taking my name in vain?
03:21Oh, here he is, the Walter Mitty of Weatherfield.
03:25Never heard of him, mate.
03:26I'm not your mate.
03:27And I'll wipe that smirk off your face in a minute.
03:31Actually, thinking about it is,
03:33as you're married to my mum,
03:34I might start calling you...
03:36Don't even think about it.
03:38You know I'll get the truth from Debbie,
03:39and when I do,
03:41I'll have you.
03:42Bang.
03:43bang.
03:43Bang.
03:44Bang.
03:45Bang.
03:48Bang.
03:49Bang.
03:49It's not right.
03:51I can't believe that he's dumped me.
03:55He was the one, you know.
03:57He's so lovely, Debbie.
04:01What did you say it was inside for again?
04:04aggravated burglary with menaces but he didn't mean to chop that guy's fingers off his hand just
04:11slipped this is you can get really good plastic hands these days you told me right well it sounds
04:20lovely man after me own heart are you being sarky of course i am you daft duck what it sounds
04:30absolutely atrocious part and you know what you are better off without him blimey what's going on here
04:39then i'm just consoling mouth almighty hey well you're a bit aren't you you know gob on a stick
04:47you oh a cheeky bitch do you know what i am sick at sandra you know i'm sight of you
04:55and ask for smell
04:56you need to invest in a bit of roll on deodorant you you stink ah wait leave alone you look
05:02there's no
05:03point battering her in getting a longer sentence she insulted me i insulted your ex are you dick or
05:09something paula go somewhere else and chill your boots it's not worth a longer stretch trust me
05:22oh i'm sorry
05:26my words seem to be coming out before my mind kicks in but thank you
05:31look you you've got to be careful around women like that they're not your mates
05:37i don't know whether it's because i'm in here and my routine's gone all skew with but
05:44i do think i'm getting a lot worse
05:48right
05:52i'm not gonna last five minutes am i if i if i keep letting me mouth run away with itself
06:02there we go i think i've got a coleslaw coming no you didn't order coleslaw love it means coleslaw
06:09whatever you do don't touch it you think you've got problems i've still not figured out how i'm
06:13gonna get my duke of edinburgh badge oh it's easy as that how's easy well you just volunteer for a
06:18community group or or help an old lady with a shopping oh do you need any shopping doing
06:24burning do you want to wear that omelette oh it's cute oh you don't think you're old
06:30you're still here you're low on loo roll i can wait it's just i need a full replenishment
06:36otherwise i get um performance anxiety
06:42oh she's a firecracker isn't she i bet she's a screen to live with
06:46oh she don't live with us listen i want to have a little wind-up laugh kind of thing with
06:51her
06:51tell me a secret about her oh the vernon cairwoods gave her a piggyback in the press club
06:56did it that's amazing wasn't that peter k if she were an animal what kind would she be quick
07:01before she comes back
07:14what are you doing i'm sorry leanne left me a spare key i was looking for somewhere quiet to arise
07:19right okay sorry wow i mean bit of a shock to come out the bathroom and find a lurker you
07:26could
07:27have been anyone yeah i'm so sorry you could have let me know somehow sorry
07:36although that being said i do think it's a good idea to get cramming
07:40handing your coursework in late that one time slippery slope
07:44yeah but i mean make habit of it no red bricks gonna look twice at you right
07:53i have to go out now so well is it all right if i work here then if you let
07:58me know what time
07:58you're gonna be back i'll make sure i'm way gone by then
08:04hmm i'll be back by four okay
08:25now i've got brown sauce on it
08:27you've got to have brown sauce and a bacon sarnie it's the law
08:32love's young green
08:35still stand by what i said earlier
08:37you're off your head
08:38it's true
08:40is it
08:40it is
08:41yeah ask yourself
08:44fire away
08:45ask me anything
08:46i am an open book
08:49you ask her you're the one who's obsessed
08:51it's a slight exaggeration
08:52come on now spill the tea as an old drag queen pal of mine used to say
08:57you've got a friend who's a drag queen
08:59gastric bland
09:01pure evil
09:02okay
09:02so
09:04eva thinks that you made lauren work the other night so she couldn't go out with ollie
09:09that is an outrageous suggestion
09:13and yet
09:14scarily accurate
09:16thank you
09:17lauren is not good enough for my grandson
09:20and if you think she is you want your heads testin
09:22well with respect ma
09:24that's a first
09:25i think it's probably up to ollie who he does and doesn't date
09:28lauren is a misery gut single mother from a bad family and a terrible history with men
09:33that might be fine for some people but not for my grandson
09:36don't sit on the fence ma you might get splinters in your cheeks
09:41mind you
09:42he wouldn't be the first man in this family
09:45to be blinded by an airhead bottle blonde with no concept of modesty
10:12did you see that
10:14i did
10:15hope you're not waiting for your delivery of conker monthly
10:17yeah well i'm not a kid
10:19yeah i'm well aware of that
10:21so go on tell me sam again what did he do
10:24let himself into the flat
10:26while i was on the loo
10:27got a shock of my life
10:30what was he sniffing around for
10:32we need to stop him but we need to be clever
10:35have you ever heard of the phrase keep your friends close and your enemies closer
10:38there
10:38yeah
10:40well i need you to be the good cop to my bad cop
10:43you go with that
10:46it's hard to know what to say sometimes isn't it
10:49it is right yeah
10:52i suppose small talk's as good as anything
10:57oh my
11:02who did that here
11:03Debs
11:04oh never you mind
11:06i should see the other fella
11:08who was it
11:09hey
11:11it's just a misunderstanding over somerton now but it's all tickety-boo now so no fretting
11:19oh
11:20it's lovely to see you
11:23you all right ronnie
11:25you look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders
11:28he's fine and so am i
11:29stop worrying about us
11:31there is something i i uh i need to ask you actually and i don't know if this is going
11:35to come as a shock to you kevin or not but
11:37hey
11:37sounds ominous
11:39and this is so ridiculous this but
11:42carl uh well
11:43he informed me allegedly that he is your son
11:50give over as if
11:52tell him debs
11:55tell him
11:56you are kidding me
12:00i'm so sorry
12:04carl he's um
12:08he's not your brother
12:12he's your nephew
12:31and that was that really
12:34we just
12:35all went along with it
12:38i was a child
12:40so i've spent my life being lied to by
12:43you
12:44me dad
12:45me dad who used to bang on about
12:47my boy carl
12:49me wonderful son
12:51and all along
12:52who was his grandson
12:55they're just words kev
12:57you all kept it from me
13:00you all kept it from me
13:00that must have been hard work
13:02i bet he was all laughing behind me back weren't you they what a mug kevin is for falling for
13:08it
13:08gullible kevin he'll believe in anything
13:10no he wasn't like that i didn't want my dad to move to germany he said he really fancied that
13:17job but all along
13:18kevin
13:19he wanted to run away with you elaine and your grubby little secret
13:24right
13:24right no sorry
13:25even when i saw him before he died
13:28he never mentioned it
13:30he guarded it till a better end
13:33well
13:35maybe he was waiting
13:36for me to mention it
13:39even when i was ready
13:42but you lie to yourself long enough
13:45comes true in your head eventually
13:49and i'd buried it
13:50hands half deep inside me for what
13:53nearly 40 odd years
13:57not in a way it meant
13:58till one day i don't know
14:01the scales just fall from your eyes and it all just comes
14:04tumbling out
14:06so carl knows
14:09yeah
14:10yeah i told him
14:12but only recently
14:15that's why you're carrying the can for him
14:18i knew it
14:19and you had me think i was going mad
14:21i'm sorry
14:24you're only here
14:25because of him
14:26what else could i do
14:28tell the truth
14:29don't mug me off
14:32you're right
14:33i made you think you got it wrong
14:37and i'm so sorry but
14:40i was scared
14:42i owe this to cal
14:44you know when he said
14:45he went to live with elaine
14:47well
14:48he had the most horrendous time
14:51he's broken kev
14:54and if i hadn't have been so selfish
14:56if i'd have been
14:57a proper mum to him
15:00then
15:02maybe
15:03it wouldn't have turned out so bad
15:06okay
15:07you've done all this for carl
15:10what's it doing to you
15:12look at you
15:13you've been here five minutes
15:14you're black and blue
15:15exactly
15:17how could he
15:19i'm all right
15:20look i don't care that carl's your son
15:22he shouldn't be putting you through this
15:25he's raped
15:26well he's not is he
15:27i am
15:29this is my choice
15:31it is
15:31i could kill him for what he's done to you
15:34you don't mean that
15:36oh
15:37don't i
15:39she sent me another one
15:41who
15:42what
15:42emily
15:44i've told you
15:45she keeps sending me spiritual pictures
15:47every day
15:48on a text
15:49and what's she saying today
15:50well
15:52it's a picture of jesus
15:54and he's knocking on a door
15:56and it says
15:57behold
15:59well
16:00might need me glasses
16:01thought it was demis rusos
16:03and have
16:04you replied
16:04have i replied
16:05not yet
16:06will you
16:08i usually say
16:09very nice
16:10oh
16:11you want to send her one of those disappointing affirmations
16:15what's that
16:16i see them online
16:17it's a picture
16:19of a beach
16:20and it says
16:21you'll always be
16:22mediocre
16:23i can't send that to her
16:26she's my friend
16:28i might send one to jenny
16:29cos she's got a good sense of union
16:32look what i found
16:33shoved in a bin on the precinct
16:34property of the cabin i believe
16:37right
16:37right
16:38look at that
16:39those must be the works of fortune
16:42lily was in charge of that
16:43wait till i get my hands on her
16:45oh you can't say that nowadays
16:46well listen
16:47thanks for returning them home
16:49shoved
16:50in a bin you say
16:51yeah
16:52er
16:52do you think
16:53maybe you'd be able to help me get my dv badge
16:55you know cos i've done a good deed and all that
16:58i don't think it's completely badge worthy
17:00well
17:00yeah but like
17:01i have to do some volunteering work
17:03so
17:03if you ever need some shopping doing
17:04an extra pair of hands
17:05if i was wanting to be a lady in waiting to queen rita
17:08well
17:09yes it might be very nice to have a little bit of help every now and then
17:13oh
17:14hey
17:15mary
17:16mary
17:16yes
17:18oh
17:19here you go
17:20come here brian
17:21yep
17:22we're nearly there
17:23would you like me to walk you to her
17:24er
17:25no no i'll be fine love i'm fine i'm fine
17:28i'm fine
17:29oh but do you need a wheelchair then
17:30no
17:31yes
17:32a wheelchair
17:34to run you over
17:36get out of way
17:38so
17:40Lauren
17:42did you enjoy that
17:43what do you think of her
17:44be honest
17:46here we go
17:47no feedback for the chef eh
17:48don't avoid the question
17:51snap
17:52er
17:53well
17:54she's nice
17:56right
17:56we have a laugh
17:58hmm
17:59also
17:59baby
18:01what about it
18:02she has one
18:03unfortunately
18:04you never had a problem with Dee Dee having one
18:07Lauren is not a solicitor with prospects
18:10mind you
18:11i'm sure she's done some soliciting in her time just
18:14not of the legal variety
18:19come on
18:20how do you envisage your life
18:23you're a strapping lad full of beans
18:26do you really see yourself stopping in every night doing feeds and watching the telly
18:31er
18:31wouldn't it be more exciting to have spontaneous nights away in spa hotels or weekend city breaks in far flung
18:40corners of the globe
18:41she is a laugh
18:42really
18:43cause from where i'm sitting she's no marty cain
18:46you won't know who that is
18:47who
18:47told you
18:49psychic
18:50there's only so much grown up fun you can have
18:53with an ankle biter following your every move
18:56she finds it hard enough to get childcare when she's doing shifts in this place let alone off gallivanting with
19:02fellas
19:05i'll say no more on the matter
19:07it's your life
19:09that you're throwing away
19:15look i know you've chosen to do your mass gcse a year early but i think it's too much
19:19it's not
19:20you're overdoing it the stress
19:22what force are you can say you got a qualification a year early i mean who cares
19:26i care
19:27now leave me alone people aren't serving
19:30right well i haven't finished with you yet
19:31you have
19:34ah
19:34ladies
19:35will you be dining with us this afternoon
19:37oh just liquid
19:39but a nice table wouldn't it go a miss
19:41yes walk this way
19:43you know what i can't abide rita
19:45it's when somebody says walk this way and then they do a silly walk and expect you to copy them
19:49i feel like punching them don't you
19:51shall i tell you what irritates me
19:53what's that rick petite
19:55folk who link me when i haven't asked them
19:59oh
19:59oh
19:59posh bottle of red nick
20:01cheese fame
20:10come in peace
20:13how do you mean
20:13well you know i know things haven't exactly been the greatest between you and me
20:19guess not
20:19well so you know i want us to be mates
20:21uh you know
20:22we are practically family
20:23and uh
20:24i remember you mentioning a while back uh gig
20:27tonight at the new century hall
20:29yeah the oasis tribute pack
20:30yeah i thought we could go together so
20:32i got some tickets
20:59yeah
21:00yeah fine i can always
21:01right
21:02uh
21:03what are you playing at
21:07that
21:07do you not understand what you've done
21:09my terminate your wife
21:10your mother you've let her do birth for something you did
21:13what she told you that
21:15you can see the state of her in there she's been beaten up and everything
21:19yeah i know the feeling
21:21don't break your father
21:22listen to me
21:24cause i hate repeating myself
21:25you're gonna do the right thing by debbie
21:28ow you're gonna tell the police the truth
21:31get her released
21:32cause if you don't mate
21:34your life
21:35ain't gonna be worth living
21:37what you think i'm scared of you muppets
21:39no no leave him ronnie
21:41ronnie leave him
21:43you've heard what i've said
21:45you've heard
21:48you've heard
21:49that's
21:49an
21:49i
21:49i
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