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00:00All right, Granddad?
00:21Oh, hello.
00:23You on your holidays?
00:24What?
00:25No.
00:26Well, I took your shirt in, then.
00:28My mother would have caught me in the street.
00:30I wouldn't be sure I'd get out.
00:31There'll have been health affairs.
00:32There'll have been no Sunday school for me.
00:34Never mind wobbling down the road with your trousers around your ankles.
00:39I will think about that.
00:52Sorry.
00:53Love this song.
00:55Oh, yes.
00:55Yes, it's got a lovely rhythm.
01:00Is it a new song?
01:02You don't know it?
01:02No, I don't.
01:03I'm not.
01:05I don't really like music.
01:07What?
01:08I find it more irritating than anything.
01:11All music?
01:12Uh, yeah.
01:13It's only me coming through the door singing this song and I'll have a number three.
01:23I couldn't live without music.
01:25You can't not like all music.
01:27That's like you're an alien or a cat.
01:30No, I'm not a cat.
01:32No, I don't like string.
01:34You don't like string?
01:35No, I do like string.
01:38Kalkia, are you back on the solids then?
01:41This is a soup bar, Arthur.
01:43It's made from soup.
01:45You want to be careful though.
01:47That might be one of those GM foods.
01:49You don't want to take anything out of Greater Manchester.
01:53Hey, Sinem, have you written fizzy slush on the board?
01:59No.
02:00We have to let the people know we have the machine.
02:02The kids love fizzy slush.
02:03No, they don't.
02:04It's disgusting.
02:05I don't even like saying the words.
02:07You know what?
02:07I don't even like thinking about it.
02:09Fizzy slush.
02:10Oh.
02:11Where's the chalk?
02:12Stay away from my sister.
02:14What?
02:14I said, where's the chalk?
02:16In the drawer.
02:23Tea and two toast please, Bullard.
02:26All right, John.
02:27How's the tricks then?
02:28Oh.
02:28Morning, Arthur.
02:29Morning.
02:30Sorry, what is your name again, mate?
02:32My name's Michael.
02:34What are you asking him for?
02:37Sorry?
02:39You said, my name's Michael.
02:42You're not sure of your name?
02:44No, I am.
02:45But don't say it like a question.
02:47All right, sorry.
02:48My name's Michael.
02:50Worse, if anything.
02:51It made me think about it too much now.
02:53Um, my name is...
02:55My...
02:57Michael.
02:59I've done it again.
03:01Here, Arthur.
03:02Here's that book I was telling you about.
03:03Oh, thanks, Aggie.
03:04Looks like a good one.
03:06The faux-lympics.
03:07What's that?
03:08It's about how they faked the Olympics.
03:11What?
03:12Yeah.
03:13To keep our minds off the recession.
03:15What do you mean, faked?
03:17They didn't happen.
03:18The whole Olympics?
03:20Yeah.
03:20The ones that were in London?
03:22Yeah.
03:23And what was that on the telly?
03:25Actors.
03:25Actors?
03:26They were all actors, all the athletes.
03:28But there were thousands of them.
03:30That's why they're only every four years.
03:32The casting takes ages.
03:34It's all in the book.
03:36I look forward to reading that, Aggie.
03:38I thought there was something funny going on when I was watching it.
03:41Something funny going on?
03:43Yeah.
03:44The 400 metres, for instance.
03:45The man that won that was in an episode of Casualty.
03:50They'd have slipped up there, didn't they?
03:53Did anyone notice anything strange on the way?
03:56Yeah, I did, John.
03:58They've got a two-for-one offer on lamb chops at the butchers.
04:01Very strange.
04:02No, no, it's not like that, Arthur.
04:03It's just...
04:04It feels like something's better to happen.
04:07Well, you bet it will.
04:09Two-for-one on chops.
04:10It'll all kick off now.
04:13We need to get different colours for the chalk so fizzy slush jumps out.
04:16Yeah.
04:17Like a mugger.
04:19There's a lot of faces on the man I don't recognise.
04:22Cage, what are you all doing here?
04:24Maybe there's something wrong with them.
04:26What?
04:27Maybe they've had flies on them.
04:31Who?
04:32It's chops.
04:33Maybe it's a consignment of condemned meat from Greater Manchester.
04:39What are you talking about, the teacher, Arthur?
04:41What, the butcher's kids?
04:43What, do you think they've done something to the meat?
04:45Maybe they've been seen coughing on it.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48Everyone, get into the bathroom!
04:58What's the matter?
04:59I'm not going in the back room.
05:00I'm having my tea.
05:02There's a mob.
05:02They're smashing things up.
05:03Well, I'm not shifting.
05:05Come on, Walt!
05:06Where comes the back room?
05:07Come on, Walt!
05:08Come on, Walt!
05:11Sit down in that chair, though.
05:12Shut the door.
05:13Shut the door.
05:18Who is it?
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24No, thank you!
05:30LAUGHTER
05:30We won't get through.
05:33Dad put that door in.
05:35I knew it.
05:36I knew it.
05:37The fool!
05:38The silly fool!
05:39Did he not know what would happen?
05:41Two chops for the price of one!
05:44That's just asking for trouble!
05:46I don't think it's anything to do with the chops, Arthur.
05:49Cheap meat does things to people, Michael!
05:51I know!
05:53Are we sure this is really happening?
05:56What?
05:57How do we know that there really is a riot?
06:00Because of the riot!
06:02Move away from the door.
06:04Er, what do you think you're doing?
06:06Never mind, just open the door.
06:07They're Venetian blinds.
06:08Some of them are quite sharp.
06:09Get out of the way.
06:10No, you can't go out there, you idiot!
06:12I'll be fine.
06:13No, please stop him!
06:14No, don't do this!
06:15Don't do this!
06:15I'll tell them!
06:17I'll just tell them!
06:18Blu-Lent, I think CNM's right.
06:19Mind your business!
06:20Oh, my God!
06:20He'll do it!
06:21He'll do it!
06:22We have to stop it, please!
06:23Oh, God!
06:24Oh, God!
06:24Oh, God!
06:24Get out of me!
06:26I'm doing this because I like you, Blu-Lent!
06:28Get out of me!
06:29I like you, Blu-Lent!
06:31I'm doing this because I like you!
06:33You can't hold me forever!
06:35What do I do?
06:37We could use some of that!
06:41Hey, everyone.
06:42I'm OK now.
06:43I'm very, very calm.
06:46Everything will be fine now.
06:49Sorry about earlier.
06:51You can let me go now.
06:57You see?
06:58I am so calm.
07:00You're not angry?
07:03No.
07:03Do I look angry?
07:05You look a bit odd.
07:07It's because he's smiling.
07:12Why are you smiling?
07:13I'm smiling because I am calm.
07:18Please, my good friends, let me go.
07:21I will not do anything.
07:23I think we'll just leave things as they are for a bit.
07:25Until he stops smiling.
07:28OK!
07:28I'm not smiling!
07:29Get me out of this!
07:31Get me out of this!
07:32That's worse than the smiling.
07:34Can we turn him to the wall?
07:39Are you here?
07:40You hear what they are doing?
07:41Yeah, and it could be you.
07:43They're doing it too, you idiot.
07:44Yes, you want to calm down,
07:46or you'll be hyperventilating yourself.
07:48We'll have to put a paper bag over your head.
07:50No, no, no.
07:50Don't, don't.
07:51Should I?
07:52No.
07:54Sorry, Bullen, we'll just have to sit it out.
07:56Well, it might be a while.
07:57It's kicking off everywhere, according to Twitter.
08:00What?
08:02What are you on about?
08:03He's long gone.
08:06Who?
08:07Hitler.
08:10Not Hitler.
08:11Twitter.
08:12Twitter.
08:13According to Twitter.
08:15I have absolutely no idea what you are on about.
08:19The police are saying if you're in a safe place to stay there.
08:23Well, I guess that's all there is to it.
08:25You all right, Katya?
08:32Why are they doing this?
08:34It's the butcher's kids.
08:36They've been coughing on chops,
08:38so he's doing them two for one,
08:39and all this has kicked off.
08:43Thanks for that.
08:45Oh, no problem.
08:47I hope it didn't seem like I was...
08:49You know...
08:50What?
08:52A...
08:52You know, a...
08:54A westerner suppressing him.
09:00Listen, um...
09:02I'm a bit worried about Arthur.
09:05Arthur likes having an audience.
09:07Right.
09:09Well, now he's got one.
09:11All of us.
09:13And we can't leave.
09:14Have you ever seen Arthur perform?
09:18Yes.
09:21Well, once, he went to the library
09:23and did a little show, you know.
09:26Everyone went.
09:28Well, everyone except Bullen.
09:30Trying to be polite, you know.
09:32Katya fell asleep, so she missed the worst of it.
09:34But we saw all of it.
09:37Listen, you two.
09:41It's about Arthur.
09:42Yeah, I've told him.
09:43Did you tell him about the little show?
09:47However bad she says it was,
09:49it was hundred times worse.
09:52We've got to keep his mind on other things, Michael.
09:54We mustn't let him do a little show.
09:57For God's sake,
09:58don't let him do a little show.
10:00It's good stuff, this, isn't it?
10:06It's very effective.
10:08How much do you pay for a roll of that, then?
10:11£2.50 wholesale.
10:12Well, that's quite reasonable, isn't it?
10:14Yes, it's not bad, actually.
10:15My cousin in the market...
10:16Look, just put it back on the shelf!
10:20Thought you'd have more food than this in here.
10:22Look, mind your business.
10:23Leave my shelves alone.
10:24I'm only thinking ahead, Bullen.
10:26I don't know how long we'll be here, do I?
10:28Anything you eat, you pay for.
10:29Double.
10:30Yes, but surely in the circumstances,
10:32you'd allow us some dinner on the house.
10:34I mean, when I left home this morning,
10:36I didn't know I'd be involved in a siege situation, did I?
10:42I don't think we'll be in here too long.
10:44These things tend to flare up and blow over pretty quickly, don't they?
10:48Well, you're saying that, you know,
10:49but look at the wooden horse of Troy.
10:52That went on for months.
10:54It's ten years, actually.
10:56They spent ten years waiting in a horse.
10:58No, no, the siege of Troy lasted ten years.
11:02Well, that's how the story goes.
11:03There wasn't actually a big wooden horse that people hid inside.
11:06That's a myth.
11:08I'm not so sure.
11:11You believe in a big wooden horse full of people,
11:13but not the Olympics.
11:16Ten years?
11:17I'm not stopping in here for ten years.
11:19What will we do with ourselves?
11:20How will we keep ourselves entertained?
11:25What if the...
11:26Put your party in a 4.15 at Chepstone?
11:30Lucky madam.
11:31She's running good as lucky madam.
11:33Let's keep talking about racing.
11:34Here.
11:35Here's a paper.
11:37Have a look and see who's running tomorrow.
11:39All right.
11:40Oh, it's a good line-up tomorrow, actually.
11:42Laugh a minute.
11:44Great showman.
11:45Dancing dandy.
11:46Stunning performance.
11:48Under the spotlight.
11:50What about the crossword?
11:51The crossword?
11:52Let's do the crossword.
11:54That'll pass the time.
11:55Suppose we could do the crossword.
11:57I'm not seeing today's.
11:59Let's have a look.
12:00We've made a start on this.
12:02Six down.
12:04Major sporting event of 2012.
12:07Beginning with O.
12:09Well, we know it's not the Olympics, don't we, Eggy?
12:12So we can rule that out.
12:15Arthur, why don't you put on a little show?
12:18To keep our spirits up, like that one you did in the library.
12:24What an absolutely marvellous idea.
12:29What about the crossword, Arthur?
12:30Bugger the crossword.
12:31This is much more important.
12:33Singing in the underground.
12:35We'll meet again.
12:36Bit of the old blitz spirit.
12:38That's what's needed here.
12:39Isn't that right, Katja?
12:40Oh, this is going to be great.
12:46I'm going to watch the show.
12:49Oh, very funny, Bert.
12:51Oh, this riot has turned out to be a blessing in disguise, hasn't it?
12:55Excuse me?
12:57Be a man, John.
12:58For God's sake, be a man.
13:00Jesus Christ.
13:06Superstar.
13:09The sound of music.
13:11The phantom of the opera.
13:14Cap's Oliver Chess.
13:16The king and me.
13:17The wizard of his.
13:19And, of course, who could forget the world's longest-running musical about a French revolution?
13:27Liz Miserables.
13:30Miss Miserables.
13:34Miss Miserables.
13:39Miss Miserables.
13:40Miss Miserables.
13:42Miss Miserables.
13:42Miss Miserables.
13:42Miss Miserables.
13:49Ever since the first caveman howled at the moon and blew at a flute made out of someone's
13:56jawbone, man has always had the urge to sing, and sing he has, right up to the present day.
14:06I'd like to do for you now some of my favourite tunes.
14:10This short selection of 14 songs is my gift to you, ending in a medley of the greatest songs of Sir Andrew Lord Lloyd Webber.
14:25Hey, do you remember?
14:26I was just about to do that bit in the library when the fire alarm went.
14:33Sorry, what is this?
14:35He's going to do a little show to keep our spirits up.
14:38Who is he?
14:39He's Count Arthur Strong.
14:41He and my dad used to do a double act.
14:43His dad was Max Baker.
14:45I'm Michael Baker.
14:46I've done it again.
14:48I used to love Max Baker.
14:50Wow.
14:51This could be great.
14:59Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning
15:07reel, like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon, like a carousel that's turning
15:14rolling rigs around the moon, like a cork whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face.
15:20And the world is like an apple, whirling corrent whale's face, like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind.
15:29Keys that jingle in your pocket, there's a candle in your head.
15:34Why did summer go so quick?
15:36Was it something that I said?
15:39Lovers walk along the shore and leave their footprints in the sand.
15:43Is the sound of distant brumming, the brumming of your hand.
15:48When she said that it was over, you were suddenly aware that the autumn leaves were turning to the colour of her hair.
15:58Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel, as the image is unwind, like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind.
16:19I'm going to go.
16:31Take me with you, please, please.
16:33I don't think you should go out there, I can still hear them milling about.
16:35No, I think I'd like to risk it.
16:38Thank you, thank you, and welcome to tonight's show.
16:42I'll be back in a minute, I'm just going to do a costume, Jake.
16:45That's like his third song, and he thinks he's just started.
16:48No, I'm sorry, I'm going to slip out, look at the door behind me.
16:53Goodbye.
16:54May God have mercy on your salt.
17:01That lucky bastard.
17:18So I suppose this hasn't done anything to change your opinion of music.
17:40You know, I exaggerate that, to some extent.
17:45My dad was always trying to push me into things.
17:49Music was one of them.
17:50Show tunes.
17:52He was always trying to get me to sing.
17:54So I developed this sort of I hate music thing.
17:59It's not true, not really.
18:01Oh, God, what was that song he was always trying to get me to do?
18:04Um, one about...
18:06Oh, from the Audrey Hepburn film.
18:08What was it?
18:09Oh, I used to love it.
18:12Er...
18:12Oh, anyway.
18:17Can you believe Katya's still asleep?
18:20You've got to envy that.
18:21I reckon there's nobody out there, you know.
18:34Oh, my God!
18:36No, it's just very convenient that we were talking about the Olympics and then that happened.
18:40I can hear them out there.
18:42You can hear them.
18:43It could be a recording.
18:45It might all be faked, like the moon landed.
18:48Come on, you have to believe in some things, otherwise you'd just... you'd go mad.
18:54No, no!
18:55Can't pull the wool over my eyes.
18:58Last time anyone did that, I looked quite the fool.
19:01Quite the fool.
19:04And my wife, she...
19:05You're married?
19:07I was, yes.
19:10I thought we were happy.
19:13That wasn't true.
19:17Evening classes.
19:18She said she was doing.
19:22But that wasn't what she was doing.
19:26Wasn't that at all.
19:30No, no, no.
19:33Not falling for that again.
19:36Not falling for anything again.
19:38And now, it's the 1960s!
19:48Oh, yeah, this is it, you could do this with me.
19:51I'm not going to sing with you, Arthur.
19:52Oh, go on, me and your dad used to do this one.
19:55No.
19:55Oh, well, suit yourself.
19:57Ladies and gentlemen, close your eyes and imagine, if you will, a young Julie Andrews.
20:03Arthur, please, please.
20:17Arthur, please, please.
20:22Arthur, please, please.
20:31Arthur, I'm sorry.
20:34I'm going to have to ask you to stop entertaining everyone.
20:38But I've got to do me Shakespeare, yes?
20:40Oh, what?
20:42Yeah, when I was going to finish me musical show, I was going to do me Shakespeare show.
20:46No, I'm sorry, Arthur.
20:47I think if you do Shakespeare, someone might die.
20:50We're very grateful, though, you know, for keeping our spirits up.
20:57No, we're not.
20:59We're not grateful.
21:00You have...
21:00Oh, bravo!
21:03Bravo, Arthur!
21:04Thank you, Katya!
21:05No!
21:06No!
21:07Oh, I couldn't.
21:08I couldn't.
21:09Oh, go on, then.
21:10No!
21:12You see?
21:13You see, they hated it.
21:14Just shut up!
21:15You made a terrible situation many times worse.
21:18And that show you put on was the worst thing I've ever seen.
21:20Hey, listen.
21:21It's in my bloody show business.
21:23But then you go and work in a box office somewhere.
21:25Sell ice creams in the interval.
21:27Just stay off the stage.
21:28You don't belong there.
21:29You bring misery to everyone who sees you perform.
21:31Bullet!
21:31Ah!
21:32No, no, see.
21:33Then let him speak his mind.
21:36So which bit didn't you like, then?
21:38All of it.
21:39All of it.
21:39You have no talent, none.
21:40That's why his old man left you behind.
21:42Because you have no talent.
21:45Oh, oh, oh.
21:48You all right, Katya?
21:49My pills.
21:50I have to take my pills.
21:52Um, where are they?
21:53Out there, under my table, in the Iceland bag.
21:57Oh, I'm sorry, Katya, but we might have to wait till all this is over.
22:01They're for flatulence.
22:02We're going to get you those pills, Katya.
22:05Oh, oh, oh.
22:06Hold my hand.
22:07Hold my hand.
22:08Oh, God.
22:10Where are you going?
22:11I'm going to get Katya's pills.
22:13No, don't you go.
22:14I'll go.
22:15Don't let go.
22:16Oh, that's not a good idea, Arthur.
22:18I'll go.
22:18No, no, no.
22:19You stay where you are, John.
22:20It's been made perfectly clear to me that my presence here has been, at best, tolerated.
22:26No, no.
22:26No, no.
22:28I know where I stand.
22:29I've lived my life.
22:34Now, step aside, everybody, if you will, and allow me to retrieve Katya's flatulence tablet.
22:41I may be some time.
22:50Oh, well done.
22:52Oh, very brave.
22:53An old man.
22:54You, you shouldn't have let him leave.
22:55You shouldn't have said those things.
22:57You could have defended him, but he didn't.
22:59Because you know I'm right.
23:00You all do.
23:01He can't sing.
23:02He can't act.
23:02He can't do anything.
23:04And you're conning him when you kid him otherwise.
23:05All right, all right, all right, Katya.
23:08Let's just try and think of something else.
23:10Just imagine, imagine we're not here, not in a storeroom.
23:13We're in Poland.
23:13We're in Krakow with, um, Lech Walesa.
23:17No, no.
23:18Donald Sutherland.
23:20I like Donald Sutherland.
23:22Okay, we're in Krakow with Donald Sutherland.
23:25And you are eating galonka and watching MASH, the film, not the food.
23:32I'm so sorry, Katya.
23:33I don't really know much about Poland.
23:35I've been to Sweden.
23:36Could you sing to me?
23:39I don't really.
23:40I'm not, um, I don't.
23:42Here he is!
23:43Look what I got!
23:45A pair of pumps and a celly.
23:47Hey, they've still got the labels on them as well.
23:50Oh, hey, and feel in me pocket.
23:52There for you.
23:53Did you get my pills?
23:55Oh, for crying out loud.
23:57I knew there was something.
23:58Here, hold that, you.
24:00I'll be back in a minute now I've remembered.
24:02No, Arthur, don't.
24:05What's in here then?
24:05Oh-ho, come in here, you.
24:07Look at this.
24:08One of the ringleaders, Albert.
24:10What are you talking about?
24:11I'm not a ringleader or nothing, man.
24:12I'll kill him!
24:13Oh, now, now, Boulant.
24:14Don't go jump in the gun.
24:15We haven't asked him what his demands are, yes?
24:18What are your demands?
24:19I haven't got any demands.
24:22Well, you're not much of a ringmaster then, are you?
24:24You smashed up my cafe!
24:25My business!
24:26I didn't smash nothing up!
24:28I'll smash you!
24:29Oh, yeah?
24:29Well, how are you going to do that, bruv?
24:31You're all wrapped up.
24:33Look, I just wanted a fizzy slush.
24:35Yeah?
24:35I'll pay for it.
24:36Look.
24:37You like those?
24:39No, my girlfriend loves them.
24:40I think they're disgusting.
24:41No, my girlfriend loves them.
25:11Two drippers of the single world
25:15They'll sparkle of the world, you see
25:19We're after the same rainbows end
25:26Waiting round the bend
25:28My Huckleberry friend
25:31Moonripper and me
25:37You people are mental.
25:49Who are you?
25:50I'm Michael Baker.
25:52Now that's how you say it!
25:55Why are you still in here, anyway?
25:57You know, it's all over.
25:58Oh, yeah, it was very quiet when I was up there.
26:00God's sake, why didn't you tell us?
26:03We can all leave.
26:04Come on, Katya, let's go.
26:11Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
26:13You've seen the state of the place, mate?
26:15How long have you been here?
26:17Just under an hour.
26:17Oh, look at this.
26:22Hey.
26:24There really was a riot.
26:25There really was a riot.
26:25This story shall the good man teach his son
26:50And Crispin Crispian will ne'er go by
26:54From this day to the ending of the world
26:56But we in it shall be remembered
27:00We few
27:02We happy few
27:05We band of brothers
27:08For he today that sheds his blood with me
27:11Shall be my brother
27:13Be he ne'er so vile
27:15This day shall gentle his condition
27:17And gentlemen in England now abed
27:21Will think themselves a curse they were not here
27:24And hold their manhoods cheap
27:27Whilst any speaks that fought with us
27:29Upon St Crispin's day
27:31In the windmills of your mind
27:35Look at this.
27:46Look at this.
27:48Hey, the business slush machines, OK
27:50The business slush machine's OK
27:50Hey, the business slush machines OK
27:53My dear!
28:23You
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