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00:00Oh, what a lovely-looking bunch you are.
00:08What a lovely-looking lot.
00:10Now, you like this?
00:11I usually like to sleep in the nude,
00:14which is usually absolutely fine,
00:15apart from on those long flights.
00:19I went to the doctor the other day.
00:21I said I need something for persistent wind.
00:23He gave me a kite.
00:28I didn't know my father.
00:30He was someone who dropped by on weekends.
00:33Some weekends.
00:35There are literally millions of people out there
00:37better qualified to write a book about him.
00:40Can't you get me out of it?
00:42I could make some calls,
00:44if you're willing to give back the advance.
00:49Er...
00:49No.
00:56Who's this?
00:57That, my love, is Arthur Strong.
01:00Your father's old comedy partner.
01:02Dad was in a double.
01:03You see, I didn't even know that.
01:05You just need to research your dad's life
01:07as you would with anything else.
01:09You say you didn't know him?
01:11Well, this man did for a start.
01:13And he might have a story to tell.
01:15Don't you're all?
01:18I don't know.
01:18I don't know.
01:19I don't know.
01:20You're all right.
01:20I don't know.
01:22I don't know.
01:23I don't know.
01:24I don't know.
01:25I don't know.
01:25I don't know.
01:26That's all.
01:26As I was thinking of making him on,
01:28And I was thinking of helping him out.
01:30I don't know what he was doing.
01:31I don't know.
01:33I can't think of him anymore.
01:34you rang the bell I did yeah Arthur strong I've broken a plate because of
01:56you sorry I'm Michael Baker that was dishwasher safe for that was right
02:02sorry about that yeah Michael Baker at max Baker's boy come on in there I've
02:06unplugged it unplugged there it is there it is it's never worked properly the
02:13bloody thing what is it what do you mean what is it just what is it don't really
02:23know another way of saying it I don't know what it is
02:28it's a foot spa all right you know a spa for your feet you know what a spa is
02:36don't you it's where you go to relax and have towel dressing gowns and a bar it's
02:41like that except your feet go to it
02:47there's no bar how are you going to fix it if you don't know what it is how does
02:53that work sorry I think this I'm Michael Baker I'm max Baker's boy oh what does
03:00he want sent you around to apologize has he couldn't face me in person just like
03:07him mean spirited nasty little man he's dead hey well it wasn't me if that's why
03:14you've come out we've got on like a house on fire shouldn't you have a warrant I'm
03:24Michael I'm I'm his son and they've put you on the case that's rather unorthodox I'm not a
03:34policeman I'm I'm just his son your little Michael so you remember me we met oh we did
03:40indeed yes last time I saw you you burst into tears and urinated really you put
03:48that sort of thing behind you oh yes yes that was the old me
03:53I'm not clearing all that up you can get that straight right now no no I'm fully grown man now
04:00that doesn't make any difference you see I'm going behind Tesco's when the pubs
04:05shook out was in the papers sorry I don't really want to I don't care what your
04:09excuse is if you need to go you go on the toilet in this house like everybody else
04:14does or in the shower if you can't get out here what's this for the toilet I don't
04:28need the toilet why would I need these obviously to conceal any incidental noise one might make
04:34in the execution of an unexpected bombing mission could I uh I take you out for lunch I'd love to
04:44talk to you about something oh I tell you what I'd love a bit of lunch and to talk to you about
04:50something great grab the foot spa I'll just put me trousers on
05:012.60 and a tip yes for service what the service was good yes what's there a problem with the service
05:09no not at all so there is no change this is the tip 40 the tip is 40 pence yeah of course okay thank you
05:16very much goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye well actually I'm an author thought your name was Michael
05:23it is I'm an author Arthur Strong oh no no no I am an author I am an author are you talking about I've
05:35been asked if I'd write a book about my dad biography memoir sort of thing oh what what do you want
05:43good afternoon bulat one of your all-day breakfast please I don't know why but number one seems to be
05:50beckoning me today number one please with fried bread and baked beans so number four yes you can do it
06:01that way as well yes Katya my polish princess oh Katya what have I told you about wearing eye shadow in my
06:12presence if you're not careful I'll end up chasing you around that table I shall let you catch me if
06:19you're not careful yes oh nothing for me thanks just a cup of tea so here do this what I don't know
06:40all of us are going to have one are you having two T's what do you want two T's it must be doing
06:47an offer buy one get one free or something like they do two T's no just one T thanks sorry I have a
07:00foot spa I'll tell you what bullet I will have two T's go on then I'll support your new enterprise
07:09see them do this so you wanted to meet me because we both have the same name we don't have the same
07:20name my name is Michael no I'm an author I'm a writer oh right away and what books have you authored
07:29what books have you Michael's I don't think you've probably heard of it go on try me well my best
07:39known work is called museums their conscience our conscience the the Daily Telegraph described my
07:49attention to detail as bordering on the anal is that a good thing I chose to take it as a good
07:56thing yes so how come your dad was a funny man some might say and you went on to write books about anal
08:05museums I don't really know but to be honest Arthur dad and I never really saw right why aha so you want
08:14me to help you put the boot in is that it a hatchet job mustn't mustn't be a hatchet job Arthur I just
08:20just want the truth that's why it's important for me to fill in the gaps about the years that you work
08:25together not looking to settle any scores working with your father was a bloody nightmare from
08:30beginning to end ha ha great all right John have you heard about the tees offer what cheese off
08:39all that's doing a special offer two tees for the price of one is he it's what he's just told me I'm
08:46having to oh yes all right right two cheese do these there's a service for friends and family
08:54tomorrow if you're about oh tomorrow that is very inconvenient are you sure yes quite sure well I should
09:03have to move some things around eggy eggy you owe me a pound you owe me a pound I owe you a pound don't
09:17I Arthur yes you do and don't you try and wriggle out of it
09:20hey Arthur you coming to captain tomorrow oh you're going to captain hey you when's max's party
09:34tomorrow it's not a party it's more of a remembrance thing because he's dead that is very inconvenient
09:41I was looking forward to going to captain you've only just heard about it well you can look forward
09:46to things you've only just heard about like if you turn on the telly and they say the hairy bikers
09:51is just finishing no no no no I won't be coming to these thank you very much although thinking about
10:01it ruler they shouldn't both come at the same time one of them will go cold well how else would they
10:08bring them I don't know just get me for it's your initiative isn't it how do people normally have
10:14them every day this every day the special offer what special offer there is no special offer I
10:21think that's mighty you know it strikes me you've become this enterprise in a very cavalier fashion
10:26the right shambles oh you just leave the bullet I'll have them both at once I'm getting a little bit
10:33fed up with this old gal every day it's not thought that through has it I think I think that's my tea
10:52oh sorry these napkins are useless look at them no it's a tight sod that bullet they're very big enough
11:03to wipe your bottom on it's a heck of a job I tell you what you should come back to mine after I've got
11:17some old photos from those days and I expect you'll want to see my memory man act I do this thing where
11:24I remember things I've got an extra ordinary memory birthdays anniversaries when Christmases you name it
11:34I couldn't remember it there you go Arthur one pound what's that for
11:39he's actually kind of amazing Sheila no you're right he's just what the book needs you know get
11:48through all this crap about dad get to the truth do be careful it doesn't turn into a hatchet job
11:53though Michael why does everybody say that and you've invited him to the remembrance service he
11:58sounds like the kind of person who might ruin it really I thought hadn't occurred to me at all
12:05at the same time why'd they flip you ask for two teas I bring them I didn't know they come at the same
12:17time that's what I said to him he's not thought that through we support two teas at the same time I
12:25don't know don't ask me don't interrogate me John I'm the one that's trying to make some sense of the
12:32whole affair we got there the foots bar top of the range are you interested we're asking 11
12:42pounders to a friend and I'll tell you something it's like you're walking on air when your feet come
12:46out of that there's a lot of nonsense talked about water and electricity and plastic not going together
12:53I'll try it first slip your shoes and socks off here where's the socket oh hey don't tell
12:59bullant he'll try and charge us for the electric tight sod I'll get some water for it I'm feeling
13:05really positive actually yeah things are looking up no it's you you don't need to get up I just want
13:12the sink for the foot spa you finish might be getting shot of the bloody thing at last
13:20things are looking up
13:23you all right yes sorry you don't um oh it's none of my business but you don't need the apostrophe in
13:43chips what there's an apostrophe in chips and you don't need it it's plural so oh well that's my
13:51brother's department but no please don't know you should say something he'd appreciate it oh really
13:57oh yeah you'd want to get it right it'll thank you what what you got the sign wrong well not wrong just
14:05um hi uh it's just chips here has an apostrophe and uh you don't need it it's a plural so you don't
14:14need it anyway that's all it's not a big thing oh I see so uh there's no need for this thing before
14:22this no thank you so much I'm so embarrassed oh no you shouldn't be no it's all too common mistake
14:33oh no no I am really embarrassed in fact why don't you run the cafe sorry here take this
14:40now you can write the sign and do the cleaning and the cooking and dealing with all the salat
14:46bush there are in I have to deal with every day of my miserable life in this place where there is no
14:50sun I don't want to run a cafe hey I have announcement this man is the new owner of the cafe
14:59what's your name it's Michael Michael everyone say hello to Michael can I have a number four
15:06please Michael no eggs that's a number three I'm not the new owner it's just plurals don't need
15:14apostrophe what's that smell do you smell that what is that
15:20okay for a tingling sensation see it's like having your feet in an angel what is it I'll be with you
15:33in a moment but that we are conducting a business transaction get me another two teas oh sorry job
15:39make that 40s
15:41so
15:45yeah
15:47yeah
15:51yeah
15:53yeah
15:57yeah
15:59yeah
16:01yeah
16:03yeah
16:05yeah
16:07yeah
16:09I'll leave all this here if you need it
16:13thank you
16:15I can't believe you have this publicity shot
16:17oh you know that one then
16:19oh I certainly do
16:20he gave it to me for my 13th birthday
16:23signed like this and everything
16:25didn't even put my name on it
16:27I've forgotten about that actually it's a good one for the book
16:31you ready then
16:33well that depends
16:39what's going to happen
16:43my memory man act
16:45oh right
16:46er yes
16:47it's just
16:48this is why we broke up
16:49I wanted to take the act in an exciting new direction
16:52direction and your father wasn't having it
16:54oh hang on the lights not right
16:56let me switch that one off there will you
16:58welcome stranger
17:06I am Count Arthur Strong
17:08the memory man
17:10I can remember things that other people have real difficulty with
17:14my brain is an extraordinary organ isn't it
17:28I'm sure you'll agree you'll have never seen an organ like the one I've got
17:34many scholars have tested and prodded it trying to find out just what is going on with me
17:46I simply am an amazing organ
17:52how are such feats of memory possible
17:55is he human
17:57now you
17:59erm
18:00Michael
18:02Michael
18:03I know
18:05now you Michael
18:08get to be as confused and disoriented
18:11as there are self-same scholars
18:13I have here a pen and a piece of paper
18:16I want you to write down on that piece of paper
18:1999 single digit numbers of your own choice in a random fortune
18:2599
18:27no more no less
18:29it's going to take forever
18:30you'd better get on with it then
18:32I'm not sure this act would particularly work
18:34people would be sitting in silence for ages
18:36oh shut up Max
18:37Michael
18:38well start acting like a Michael then
18:40a little bit less like a clever dick
18:42right
18:48that's 99
18:49I think
18:51Arthur
18:54Arthur
18:56leave that alone
18:57it's mine
19:04in a moment
19:06I will ask you
19:08to turn the paper round
19:10so that I could commit
19:11all 99 numbers to memory
19:13in the arbitrary sequence
19:15what
19:16you have written
19:17them down in
19:20I will then
19:21reiterate to you
19:22your numerical string
19:25now
19:26reveal to me
19:27the number
19:28conundrum
19:29oh
19:35oh
19:36oh dear
19:37hang on a second
19:41it's better
19:42bloody pitch black it was until then
19:44you
19:45hold my suspic
19:46oh
19:47oh
19:48oh
19:49oh
19:50oh
19:51oh
19:52oh
19:53oh
19:54oh
19:55oh
19:56oh
19:57oh
19:58oh
19:59oh
20:00oh
20:01oh
20:02oh
20:03oh
20:04oh
20:07all
20:09oh
20:11oh
20:12oh
20:13oh
20:14oh
20:15yeah
20:16oh
20:17like six a proper audience proper audience you'd be able to share all your
20:22thoughts about dad really give it to him a proper send-off that is I'll think
20:28about it now shut up while I do this
20:33the numbers you selected were in chronological order were two no
21:03first one's not two is it nine no one is it seven no you can't have numbers like 11 and 12 you know
21:15if that's what you're doing they're all single digits like you said eight no four shall I tell
21:21you no some memory my neck that would be if you just told me what you'd bloody well written down
21:27there's a skill to this you know it's not as easy as I make it look what numbers haven't I said yet
21:34three five six and zero zero no six no what are the other ones three and five five no three
21:47that's summer oh it's not over yet next number is it three again no dad hated this right yes well
22:01he won't be there tomorrow all right I'll come with you great eight no but who was Max Baker really
22:12we all knew he was a funny man and life and soul of the party but no matter how busy he was he
22:20always had time for his family we all have great respect for him for his comedy and he could steal a
22:27joke as well as anybody I knew and if there is a heaven I believe Max is there at the bar waiting
22:35for somebody to get around in
22:39thank you
22:41everything will be over by the time we get in here
22:45but Arthur I cannot eat solids
22:47what's that very obvious maybe the soup
22:49excellent excellent
22:50ah everyone's in
22:51do you know Katya John
22:53do you have soup
22:54soup no
22:56what kind of memorial doesn't have soup
22:58I would say every memorial doesn't have soup
23:00I cannot eat solids
23:03well have a sandwich chew it till it's liquid and then swallow it make your own soup in your mouth
23:10Arthur you are you are okay to say a few words still aren't you
23:13what about Max you bet your life
23:15great great
23:17bring it on come on
23:18ladies and gentlemen this is exciting a bit of a change to the program
23:25Max's former comedy partner a man I haven't seen for over a quarter of a century
23:31ladies and gentlemen
23:32Count Arthur Strong
23:34thank you
23:39thank you for that warm welcome
23:41I really do
23:43so
23:45what can I tell you about the late Max Baker
23:50well I for one
23:54will miss him dreadfully
23:58he was a lovely man
24:00always a kind word for everyone
24:02that's what I remember about him
24:04the life and soul of the party
24:06but also
24:07a real family man
24:09oh dear
24:10this picture
24:11I was there when he got those shots
24:13I thought there was something funny
24:15because I wasn't in any of them
24:16you know
24:18he was so excited when he got those photographs
24:20I'll never forget it
24:22he came to the dressing room
24:24he took the top one out
24:25signed it
24:26put it to one side
24:27and said
24:28that's for little Michael
24:30but enough of me anyway
24:33let's hear from the little man himself
24:35Max's pride and joy
24:37my new best friend
24:39Michael Baker
24:40thank you Arthur
24:51thank you Mary
24:52what to
24:53what to
24:57say about my
24:58about my dad
25:03sorry
25:06sorry
25:18sorry
25:21hang your teeth or something
25:23please
25:23sorry
25:30ladies
25:31let's
25:34see
25:38how
25:39is
25:40happy
25:41you
25:43haven't got anything
25:44to be careful
25:44no
25:45no
25:46no
25:48no
25:49no
25:50no
25:51no
25:52no
25:53no
25:54no
25:55no
25:56no
25:57no
25:57no
25:58no
25:59no
26:00It's really good, it's just going through, Arthur, it's just going through.
26:04HE LAUGHS
26:06HE SCREAMS
26:08HE LAUGHS
26:10HE LAUGHS
26:12He's so far, is he?
26:14HE LAUGHS
26:16Arthur is like sneezing into a bat and burn!
26:19HE LAUGHS
26:21HE LAUGHS
26:23I feel like the exorcist!
26:25HE LAUGHS
26:27HE LAUGHS
26:29Oh, what a lovely speech.
26:31Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Baker.
26:34APPLAUSE
26:37And now, in a change to the scheduled running order,
26:41journey with me to the mystic world of memory,
26:45and I, Count Arthur Strong...
26:48HE LAUGHS
26:50HE LAUGHS
26:52Katya!
26:53HE LAUGHS
26:55What do I do?
26:56Give me the Heineken manoeuvre.
26:57What is that?
26:58How do you do it?
26:59You're sort of butchering the stomach from behind, in a nice way.
27:03HE LAUGHS
27:04Katya, this is my thing doing this to you,
27:07should you wish to press charges?
27:09HE LAUGHS
27:10HE LAUGHS
27:11Oh, God!
27:13What... What do I do now?
27:15I'll put her down!
27:17What do I do?
27:19HE LAUGHS
27:23Could someone rub my foot?
27:26HE LAUGHS
27:28HE LAUGHS
27:29HE LAUGHS
27:30HE LAUGHS
27:31HE LAUGHS
27:36why didn't you tell me that what about my dad about the photo oh yes it was never
27:46stopped talking about you was Michael this Michael that hey you know he always
27:51had your picture on his dressing room mirror it would tap it for look before
27:55he went on stage when you tell me can't remember everything
28:06oh
28:36Ah!
28:49Ah!
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