Join the beloved Emmy winner Vir Das for his latest Netflix comedy special, delivering heartwarming laughs and thought-provoking moments. This stand-up performance promises a unique blend of humor and insight, making it a must-watch for fans of intelligent comedy. Experience a full hour of entertainment from one of the most acclaimed comedians.
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#VirDas #ComedySpecial #NetflixComedy #FullMovie
vir-das comedy stand-up netflix special humor entertainment 2025-film
#VirDas #ComedySpecial #NetflixComedy #FullMovie
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00:00:00You
00:00:27Let's start all rise
00:00:31You actually did it, sit the fuck down
00:00:40I've always wanted to do that shit man
00:00:44Jesus Christ
00:00:48He's not here, he's not here
00:00:51Sent me
00:00:54What's up Mumbai, hello
00:00:56I have good news and I have bad news, which one would you like to hear first?
00:01:02Most Indian answer ever
00:01:04Because in India, someone else has bad news
00:01:13The bad news is this
00:01:15I'm really happy
00:01:17Yeah
00:01:19But the good news is, I'll talk about it and hopefully it will just go away
00:01:23Because when we talk about our happiness, Indian people violate a rule that we have been taught since the British Raj
00:01:29Happiness is silence
00:01:31Right?
00:01:32This is why if you ask any Indian person, are you happy?
00:01:34We'll be like
00:01:38Now don't be confused
00:01:39This is not a confirmation
00:01:40This is not a denial
00:01:41This is a misdirection
00:01:43This is not us going, I don't know
00:01:45This is us going, I don't want you to know
00:01:47I only want God to know
00:01:51Because you gotta be honest with God, right guys?
00:01:53God talks to us, yes?
00:01:55God says things like, I love you, be strong, vote for me
00:01:57Vote for me
00:02:03What's up New York, you good?
00:02:04Yeah
00:02:06Alright, let me tell you a story
00:02:07Well, a backstory
00:02:08I just shot my new Netflix special, Man
00:02:11It cuts between London and Mumbai
00:02:14And it's a show I wrote in silence
00:02:17Well, rewrote
00:02:19And the silence is my fault, by the way
00:02:21Because the, I don't know, things were going well
00:02:24And, I think I got a little arrogant
00:02:29And I think the universe can sense arrogance
00:02:32I was in a hotel room in London
00:02:36Six weeks before
00:02:38I was supposed to tape my new Netflix special
00:02:40In a church in London
00:02:42And a stadium in Mumbai
00:02:43Something in the universe went
00:02:47And I woke up without a voice
00:02:51Biggest show of my career
00:02:52Six weeks to go
00:02:55My voice wasn't sore, it was just gone
00:02:57Broken, silent
00:02:58It's like the government in my body had changed
00:03:02And my family was like, you've been sharing too much good news
00:03:07You have activated the evil eye
00:03:09I'll explain American people
00:03:11The evil eye is ill-wishers
00:03:13They do not do ill to you, they just casually wish ill upon you
00:03:17They have combined evil with delegation
00:03:19They wish, right?
00:03:21They'll just blow an eyelash
00:03:23Be like, give him erectile dysfunction
00:03:26Which I don't mean to mock, I'm sure it's quite hard
00:03:29But...
00:03:32But the evil eye is a powerful force, right?
00:03:34And in India we call the evil eye...
00:03:37Family, that's right, yes
00:03:39Yes
00:03:46Speaking of family, it is so fucking good to be home
00:03:48What's up Mumbai
00:03:49What's up London
00:03:50What's up New York City
00:03:51It's good to see you guys
00:03:52The minute you share good news, the evil eye is activated
00:04:10Observe, I will share some good news, are you ready?
00:04:12So, I won a tiny Emmy award
00:04:14Alright, and...
00:04:16Thank you, thank you
00:04:18Thank you for supporting my comedy
00:04:20And, yeah, and my family thanks you as well
00:04:22Guys, the artist you are watching is now critically acclaimed, guys
00:04:26Except the acclaim comes from white people, so nobody gives a fuck
00:04:30White validation is brown kryptonite
00:04:33Everybody's like, he has betrayed his country
00:04:36And I know what you're thinking, Veer, kryptonite is green
00:04:38No, that's white money, which is a brown magnet, which is why you live here and you have betrayed your country
00:04:45Evil eye
00:04:47Look, I get it, a lot of people were conflicted when I won the award because I'm an English comedian in India
00:04:53And we have this post-colonial resentment of the English language
00:04:56We equate English with privilege, correct?
00:04:59Falsely so, by the way
00:05:00There are many countries in the world where people speak great English who are dirt poor
00:05:05For instance, the country of England
00:05:06If you speak good English, they're like, Veerdas is not relatable, not relatable
00:05:14Yeah, neither was Oppenheimer
00:05:17You watch that shit, no?
00:05:18Why are you so insecure?
00:05:19Why do you need to be related to all the fucking time?
00:05:22Did you watch Oppenheimer?
00:05:23Like, I just don't see myself in the mushroom cloud
00:05:27Although, give Putin five years
00:05:31But in India, there's a spectrum
00:05:32If your English is very bad, we will judge you
00:05:34We will judge you
00:05:35But if your English is very good
00:05:37We will judge you
00:05:38We will judge you, right?
00:05:39It's this, this Appu-Vivek-Ramaswami spectrum
00:05:41Right?
00:05:42This Mowgli-Rishi-Soonak spectrum
00:05:47This Kangana-Tharoor spectrum, right?
00:05:51There were also...
00:05:53The night that I won my Emmy Award, two Indian critics, mainstream critics got on TV
00:05:59And one of them was like, I don't like Veerdas
00:06:03And she was like, why?
00:06:04She said his English is too good
00:06:06You can't be mad at people because they enunciate
00:06:10I'm sorry, Mumbai
00:06:12To enunciate means that you...
00:06:14We're not the best, right guys?
00:06:18The first girl I hooked up with in Mumbai
00:06:20Every time we'd hook up, she'd be like,
00:06:21Eh, Suno, let's bang no men
00:06:24Eh, Suno, let's bang no men
00:06:27Then we would have consensual sex while assaulting two languages
00:06:33You get judged, man
00:06:34Like I remember once, one of India's top Hindi comedians came up to me
00:06:37And he's like, Veer, you are too global
00:06:40Indian stand-up is not global
00:06:41You sound privileged
00:06:42You have to sound relatable, like us
00:06:45And then he left in a Range Rover
00:06:47And that's when you realize the most privileged people in the world
00:06:52Don't speak English, don't need English
00:06:54Think about it
00:06:55Jack Ma, Mandarin
00:06:57Mukesh Ambani, Gujarati
00:06:59Elon Musk, X
00:07:00No English is required
00:07:03Then I got taken to England's top vocal doctor
00:07:06And he informed me that I had massive vocal cysts on both of my vocal cords
00:07:11And he's like, Mr. Das, it could be seven months before you speak properly again
00:07:14But you know, look at Djokovic
00:07:15Look at Djokovic
00:07:17Injured, out for six months
00:07:18Does so much physio
00:07:20Back in five weeks
00:07:21You just gotta find a Djokovic inside you
00:07:26Do you know how patronizing it is to compare a comedian to a professional athlete?
00:07:30That's the equivalent of like his patient dies
00:07:32And I'm like, I know it's sad, but look at Jesus
00:07:37Crucified, out for eternity
00:07:38Does so much physio
00:07:42Back in three days
00:07:43You just gotta find a Jesus inside you
00:07:47Can you imagine a brown man with a beard telling a white man to find Jesus?
00:07:53The last guy who did that was Jesus
00:07:55But I'm training
00:07:59I just fired my American trainer
00:08:01I got a proper Indian trainer
00:08:02Right?
00:08:03He speaks Hindi
00:08:04Has a paunch
00:08:06Cause this western guy kept saying all this privileged shit
00:08:10I didn't understand
00:08:11He's like, Mr. Das
00:08:12If you wanna get really lean
00:08:14We gotta feed and fast
00:08:15Feed and fast
00:08:16We gotta surprise your body
00:08:18I was like, bro, I live in Mumbai
00:08:21If I wanna surprise my body
00:08:23I will cross the road
00:08:27I will be much leaner when there's an SUV on top of my body
00:08:30Random people will say, Mr. Das
00:08:32Are you having any antioxidants?
00:08:34I'm like, the AQI is 599 right now
00:08:36What oxygen are you referring to in Mumbai?
00:08:39At this point my body converts monoxide into dioxide
00:08:43I am an antioxidant
00:08:45We have lost half the crowd by the way
00:08:46Half the crowd is gone
00:08:48Right?
00:08:49Why is he teaching science?
00:08:51You're not coming here to learn about oxygen?
00:08:54Just make me laugh, bro
00:08:55Don't make me think
00:08:57This is you
00:08:58In the comments
00:08:59Just make me laugh, bro
00:09:00Don't make me think
00:09:01Get someone to tickle you, you basic bitch
00:09:03Alright?
00:09:08Random privilege shit
00:09:12Mr. Das, what are your thoughts on probiotics?
00:09:14Do you guys know about probiotics here?
00:09:16What are your thoughts on probiotics?
00:09:18And I was like, I believe in a woman's right to choose
00:09:22I'm probiotic
00:09:24He's like, Mr. Das, you're making a mistake
00:09:27And I said, I shouldn't have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life
00:09:30This trainer, it was so hard not to sound like him when I was talking to him
00:09:35Indian people, we have a horrible habit
00:09:40When we talk to somebody with a foreign accent
00:09:44Like a Demento, we inhale their accent
00:09:50And do their accent back to their face
00:09:54Like a sweet French guy will come over to your house for dinner
00:09:57He'll be like, ah, this is magnifique
00:09:59Could I have some more chic and thicca, please?
00:10:01You will walk into your own kitchen
00:10:02Look at your Indian mother and be like, eh, you would like some more chic and thicca
00:10:11Your mother will come out, look at the French guy and be like, beta, will you like some more chic?
00:10:17Now the French guy is fucking terrified, right?
00:10:21He's like, uh, auntie, I would like some more
00:10:23Now you're just three racists surrounding a cold piece of chicken ticca?
00:10:31To get rid of the evil eye, six pandits, six priests were sent over to my house
00:10:36And they did an eight-hour worship ritual where they built a shivling out of milk and ghee and ice
00:10:41That stood by itself six feet into the air
00:10:44It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen
00:10:46I was like, can you complete the bridges in Mumbai, please?
00:10:49And the pandit was like, now you need to pray every night
00:10:55I couldn't talk to the pandit
00:10:56And I was like, that's kind of why I hired you
00:11:01And he was like, we don't pray for you
00:11:03We just make sure that your prayers heard first
00:11:07I was like, so you are like the TSA pre-check
00:11:10Of God?
00:11:14And he was like, yeah, take your shoes off
00:11:18The thing is, I don't pray that much, right?
00:11:20Like, I casually take God's name during orgasms and deadlifts, right?
00:11:26Which, yo, for me, a very similar experience has got
00:11:30You know, my knees don't cooperate
00:11:33I'm looking in a mirror, you know, the very
00:11:35Like, okay, I talked to God like the other day
00:11:40I was praying because I lost my passport
00:11:43Like, no, you, sir, you can get a new passport in 24 hours
00:11:46If you have contacts in the government
00:11:48Except for me, contact with the government is why I need my passport
00:11:54So if I lose my passport, I haven't lost my passport
00:11:57God has taken my passport
00:12:00And I just find religion
00:12:01And you know, when I'm desperate, I laugh, right?
00:12:03So I was like, God, listen, I cannot tell jokes to a world
00:12:08I do not get to see
00:12:09And then all of a sudden, a file in front of me flew open
00:12:12I heard a noise and it was just like
00:12:15And my passport, I swear to God, was five feet away inside that file
00:12:19Like, hidden under this paper where some jokes were written
00:12:22And I was so happy, I cried happy tears over a piece of paper
00:12:26The last time I did that, a pregnancy test came negative
00:12:29I needed my passport because I went to Australia
00:12:35I'm sorry, any Australians in the audience make some noise?
00:12:38Good to see you guys, I like your country
00:12:41I mean, you guys are not, you're like England's Bangladesh
00:12:43What is that about?
00:12:48Sorry, I apologize, I apologize, I'm sorry
00:12:52You are New Zealand's Pakistan
00:12:54Here's what happened, I follow rules when I'm at airports abroad
00:13:04I never want to embarrass India abroad unless it's at a large theatre
00:13:09And this old Aussie lady
00:13:12picked me out of line, right?
00:13:14Full of white people
00:13:15She's like, yes sir, you're gonna check your bag in
00:13:18I was like, madam, it's under nine kilos, only one item
00:13:22She's like, no, you're gonna check your bag in
00:13:24I was pissed off, would you be pissed off, yeah?
00:13:27I was like, are you gonna check any of the white people?
00:13:29And all the white people were like, fuck, now she's gonna check the white people
00:13:33She just pointed at me, she was like, nah, just you
00:13:38I was delighted, I was, I was like, oh my god, it's an OG racist
00:13:43It's like seeing the Northern Lights, you know what I mean?
00:13:47You're like, I've seen books and movies, but it's so much more impressive in person
00:13:51You never see an OG racist in a modern setting, it fucks with your brain, right?
00:13:56It's like seeing a Nazi drink boba tea
00:14:01Which I would pay good money to see, yo
00:14:04Full SS uniform, just
00:14:09Heil Hitler
00:14:13I really do feel, racists are a marginalised community
00:14:16If you consider the struggle of being a racist to identify as a bigot, but to be trapped inside an intelligent person's body
00:14:27Racists have no public platforms, it's just 80% of American podcasts, that's it, right?
00:14:32All of their good ideas have been stolen, culturally appropriated from racists
00:14:36Racists came up with the N-word, hip-hop, took it
00:14:40Racists came up with segregation, pickleball, took it
00:14:44Racists came up with slavery, apple, took it
00:14:49All their good ideas are gone, and then what is the life of a racist?
00:14:52What, you make a tiny pucky like me, check his luggage
00:14:55Then you go home and have quiet missionary sex under a picture of Churchill
00:14:58Picture of Winston Churchill, it's gotta be missionary
00:15:07You can't do anal under Churchill
00:15:10Churchill has never seen a colonisation
00:15:18I
00:15:19I'm walking into first class, she keeps smiling at me with victory in her eyes
00:15:28Something in me snapped
00:15:30Usually Indian people, we shut up and take it, right?
00:15:33I was like, Madam, I hope an Indian marries your daughter
00:15:38I hope her daughter comes home with a beautiful Indian man
00:15:41Fucking Dev Patel's face
00:15:43With Sadhguru's moustache
00:15:45On like, my body
00:15:46And they have to sleep in the next room and listen to weird Indian Aussie mixed sex coming through the wall online long
00:15:53Yes
00:15:54Aussie, Aussie, Aussie
00:15:55Oi, hoi, hoi
00:16:03Talk to
00:16:07Guys, she was 65
00:16:09You gotta have empathy
00:16:10It is possible to love an old racist, right?
00:16:13Indians, go to your family WhatsApp group right now
00:16:17Fun fact, if you cannot find a racist in your family WhatsApp group
00:16:21You're the fucking racist
00:16:25Don't be ashamed
00:16:26One of my grand aunts
00:16:27Legendary Islamophobe
00:16:29Legendary
00:16:30Platinum member frequent flyer bigot
00:16:35Every time she saw me do stand-up, she'd be like, Hi Allah
00:16:38I was like, don't you hate Muslims?
00:16:40Muslims?
00:16:41She'd be like, yeah, but when I'm disappointed I invoke their God
00:16:47Why bother haun?
00:16:49Then I got taken to Adele's speech therapist
00:16:53She had the same problem as me, same level of talent
00:16:55And
00:16:59Is this tiny Jewish lady who charges a lot of money and she gave me this
00:17:03This is a kazoo
00:17:05She was like, when you can play happy birthday on the kazoo
00:17:09You are ready for theatrical performances again
00:17:11And I was like, when you can do burpees on a marshmallow carpet
00:17:16You are ready for an appendectomy
00:17:18Because I thought we were playing a game where we said fucking nonsense sentences to each other
00:17:21This is impossible to make a noise out of
00:17:24This is impossible to make a noise out of
00:17:27It doesn't happen, the noise has to come from within
00:17:30Every day, 20 times a day, I was just like
00:17:32Do you know how many ducks have shown up to my house?
00:17:41Looking for action
00:17:44And received it
00:17:47Because we're speaking the same language
00:17:49Ducks shows up, I'm like
00:18:11Now you got your money's worth, right? Musical performance
00:18:14But she's like, Mr. Das, you've been using your voice wrong for 20 years
00:18:17And I was like, how left-wing intellectual of you
00:18:20This is why I like the younger generation
00:18:23Like anybody here, 18 to 25, make some noise
00:18:25I like you guys
00:18:27Because you're outspoken, you're not silent
00:18:29You share, you're brave, you put yourself out there
00:18:31Then we give you feedback, you get triggered, we laugh
00:18:33That's the system
00:18:37That's great
00:18:39That's why we
00:18:41That's why we let you believe you have your own truth
00:18:43Your truth is our content
00:18:45Your truth is our content
00:18:47I have two nephews that are the generation below Gen Z
00:18:50What are they called?
00:18:52Morons?
00:18:54I...
00:18:56My nephews are 14, I took them to a museum
00:18:58My nephew is super pissed off that a massive European painting
00:19:02Will not fit into his phone this way
00:19:04And I was like, fucker, just turn your phone
00:19:08And he's like, Veer Mama, you don't understand
00:19:11The world has changed, life is vertical
00:19:14I was like, I'm gonna change my will now
00:19:18I'm not gonna cut you off, I will leave you everything I have
00:19:23If you cremate me, vertical
00:19:25Just eyes open, I wanna look down at the family while I burn, alright?
00:19:30And I want a DJ playing like techno music behind me, right?
00:19:34I want it to be like Sunburn meets Sati, alright?
00:19:36And...
00:19:38And like Grief meets Glastonbury, alright?
00:19:41Like...
00:19:43Like Burning Man meets Burning Man
00:19:45And I want you to...
00:19:47Film the entire thing
00:19:49And upload it to Instagram
00:19:51And just caption it, Veer Mama, lit
00:19:52Which is almost the perfect caption for a cremation, right?
00:20:03So easily manipulated because you commodified distraction
00:20:07All you wanna do is have the drop
00:20:09You can do a one hour show for Gen Z with one punchline
00:20:12Just delay the drop
00:20:14Veer Mama, the world has changed, life is vertical
00:20:17The world has changed, the world has changed, change, change, change, change, change, change, change Veer Mama, change, change, change, change, change, change Veer Mama, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life, life
00:20:47He's like, what is happening?
00:20:49I want a refund.
00:20:51Gen Z's like, let him cook, bro.
00:20:58And that is the perfect caption for a cremation.
00:21:04Then four weeks before the stadium show, I tried homeopathy.
00:21:07Anybody doesn't know what homeopathy is, make some noise?
00:21:10Yeah, I'll explain, don't worry.
00:21:12A homeopath is a lonely virgin man.
00:21:17Who sits in a two foot by two foot room.
00:21:20Surrounded by white powder.
00:21:22It's like a closet at a ditty party.
00:21:27And he gave me white powder to put in my fucking face.
00:21:30And I was like, what is this?
00:21:31And he was like, doesn't matter.
00:21:33So now eight times a day, I put white powder into my fucking face.
00:21:37I don't even do stand-up anymore. I work in finance.
00:21:42I'm an addict.
00:21:44Here's the problem with your generation.
00:21:48You got addicted to performative validation on dopamine devices.
00:21:51You guys are obsessed with identity, not personality.
00:21:54So when you put yourself out there, it's what you are, not who you are.
00:21:57So you're trying to gather and broadcast labels,
00:22:00because they all represent shots of dopamine from the internet that you're addicted to.
00:22:04So you are not just a human being.
00:22:06You are a polyamorous ADHD vegan juggler who is religiously agnostic, but Avengers adjacent, right?
00:22:12And, listen, I don't want to patronize you, but as you get older,
00:22:16you discover that the world is really fucking basic.
00:22:19Right, grown-ups?
00:22:20Amulya, there are only two types of people in the entire world.
00:22:24There are assholes, and there are people who deal with assholes.
00:22:28That's it. That's the entire world.
00:22:34Let's not be unevolved.
00:22:35There are intersectional assholes in the world.
00:22:37There are black assholes, white assholes, straight assholes, gay assholes, trans assholes.
00:22:41On the flip side, some vegans are nice people.
00:22:45People are nuanced, they're complex.
00:22:47Right, London?
00:22:48I'm just saying, even Adolf Hitler was a dog lover.
00:22:51Remember?
00:22:53Side note, how confused do you think Hitler's dog was?
00:22:58Dog only understands visuals, not politics, right?
00:23:00If you're Hitler's dog, every time your dad is outside, your dad is like,
00:23:04One thousand days, and thousand reich, and nine, and two slages are reich.
00:23:08Never throws a ball.
00:23:16Then when you're silent, which you discover,
00:23:18you make up your own sign language that nobody understands but you.
00:23:22I looked at my assistant, I wanted a decaf black, and I was like,
00:23:24I would like a decaf black.
00:23:31He's like, what? I'm like, I would like a decaf black.
00:23:33Decaf black.
00:23:36What?
00:23:38I was like, your mother is a whore.
00:23:43You want a decaf black?
00:23:46Everybody around you gets quiet as well.
00:23:48Everybody's like, oh my God, you've lost your voice.
00:23:52That's so sad.
00:23:55Would you like a decaf?
00:24:03And you discover that when one person breaks, silence is contagious.
00:24:07And I get it.
00:24:08Because if you ever land into controversy by choice or not by choice, you become a story.
00:24:14And the problem with becoming a story is you're milked for attention no matter where you go.
00:24:18Every time I was in New York or somewhere in the UK, a white journalist would show up and they'd be like, oh my God.
00:24:26Can we do like a 9,000 word exclusive on how you're being silenced on your plight?
00:24:31I'm sorry, my plight?
00:24:37Forgive me, madam.
00:24:38It feels like you need some sort of Eastern oppression story to feel better about where you live.
00:24:43Listen, somebody's plight is like their erection.
00:24:47Alright?
00:24:48I know it's hard to look at, but it's rude to point it out.
00:24:52And she's like, you don't understand.
00:24:53Our audience is huge and they're going to sympathize.
00:24:55I'm like, my audience is small, but they're going to empathize.
00:24:58Alright?
00:24:59Sympathy...
00:25:03Sympathy is a porn video that you watch for pleasure.
00:25:05Empathy is an orgy.
00:25:06We're all getting fucked together.
00:25:09Now listen, about 30% of you responded to that joke.
00:25:14And I need you to stay back after the show.
00:25:17That was not a metaphor.
00:25:21How's the Veerdash show?
00:25:22He does a lot of crowd work.
00:25:24You know, it's really intact.
00:25:28I genuinely think that if you don't put them on the spot,
00:25:32if you give them a safe space,
00:25:33if you give them anonymity,
00:25:35most people will have an honest conversation,
00:25:38tell the truth and they know right from wrong.
00:25:40Would you agree?
00:25:41Right?
00:25:42I think so.
00:25:44Let's find out.
00:25:45Turn the lights out, Shasti.
00:25:47Kavi, put the lights out.
00:25:54Yeah, so the Christmas tree doesn't go off.
00:25:56I have five electricians on my crew.
00:26:05Nobody could fucking figure this out.
00:26:08And this special is going to come out in the summer.
00:26:10So...
00:26:11British people, so we'll be honest with each other, shall we?
00:26:22Every time something happens in your country,
00:26:2880% of the world has zero sympathy for you.
00:26:31I'm sorry, it's just not been long enough.
00:26:37You fucked around and found out for so long with so many countries.
00:26:43And now you have the gall to complain about too much diversity in England.
00:26:47At this point, we don't even want reparations anymore.
00:26:51Do we Indian people?
00:26:52At this point, I don't want your monarch to return the Kohinoor.
00:26:55I want him to swallow it.
00:26:56Let's see if God really can save the king.
00:27:11Let's have an honest conversation right now.
00:27:13Do you want to try?
00:27:14If we're being honest with each other,
00:27:17you know that since 2019,
00:27:20we've all felt monitored and monetized.
00:27:22That we are fed this story of good versus evil.
00:27:25But with every passing year,
00:27:27it just makes less and less sense
00:27:29that we are worshipping false heroes
00:27:31and celebrating a lack of intelligence
00:27:33because of a morally bankrupt middle class
00:27:36that is obsessed with consumption and a cult of power.
00:27:38Every single Indian person here knows
00:27:47that since 2019,
00:27:50there has not been a single good Marvel movie
00:27:54and you know it, alright?
00:27:55These are bullshit heroes.
00:27:58These are false stories.
00:28:02Wait, what did you guys think I was talking about?
00:28:04Guys, that's just a joke about the MCU.
00:28:10Speaking of which,
00:28:11right now nobody can see you.
00:28:14Nobody, you're safe.
00:28:16Not the people above you who ignore you,
00:28:18not the people below you who you ignore.
00:28:22But they can hear you.
00:28:24Just make the noise you want to be remembered for.
00:28:34As an outsider, humbly, I just want to say,
00:28:48I think your empire is ending.
00:28:53It feels that way.
00:28:55From the outside.
00:28:56You're kind of like the hot girl from high school
00:28:58who's back at the reunion.
00:28:59And now she's mad that everybody else is hot too.
00:29:05And China's the principal.
00:29:10And I think I know, like,
00:29:11it's because all the smart people in your country
00:29:13behave like such corrupt assholes.
00:29:15You stop listening to them.
00:29:16And you started listening to stupid people
00:29:18who were slightly smarter than you were
00:29:20and convinced yourself that those were the smart people.
00:29:23And now the entire world kind of looks at you
00:29:25the way you looked at Joe Biden.
00:29:27It's kind of like, aww.
00:29:38He doesn't know where he is anymore.
00:29:43Let's just stay in this darkness for a second.
00:29:47In case someone has a gun.
00:29:53Alright, let's turn the lights on.
00:29:54Come on.
00:30:01I don't think America will ever get rid of guns.
00:30:03Guns are your cricket.
00:30:06And I firmly believe that every American should be allowed
00:30:08to buy a gun at any age without an ID.
00:30:11Hang on.
00:30:12But I do think you need to change your gun technology.
00:30:14I think you need to voice activate your guns.
00:30:16Every time you want to fire a bullet, the gun will not fire until you say something completely and perfectly into the gun in your voice.
00:30:24And I think what you should have to say is the entire Second Amendment.
00:30:27So it will change gun violence forever, man.
00:30:32Americans will be like, I'm going to fucking kill you after I study for two weeks.
00:30:36Two weeks later, that guy comes back and he's like, in the United States of America, a well-trained militia for the security of the state.
00:30:48The right to bear arms shall never be infringed.
00:30:51Think about how many people can run away in that much time.
00:30:55If you make Apple handle your guns, you will solve foreign terrorism forever.
00:31:00With Siri?
00:31:01Siri?
00:31:04If I show up in my accent, Siri?
00:31:07A well-trained militia for the security of the state, the right to bear arms shall never be infringed.
00:31:11There are five Starbucks in your area.
00:31:21Oat milk cappuccino.
00:31:24Shoot all Filipinos?
00:31:25No!
00:31:26Hey!
00:31:31Guys, it's a tourist visa. I'm not afraid of you. Do you understand?
00:31:43I'm in therapy.
00:31:44My therapist is this woman who holds a cup of chamomile tea two centimeters away from her face the entire session and never fucking sips it.
00:31:53And her taking a sip is now the only hope I have in therapy.
00:31:58Fucking Jedi.
00:31:59The other day she's like, you know, Mr. Das, a lot of comedians have cruelty in their childhood.
00:32:04So their definition of love becomes withholding.
00:32:08And I was like, did you know that a lion only fucks for 30 seconds?
00:32:12And she's like, no, I did not know that.
00:32:14And I was like, good, because that means one of us is bringing new information into this conversation.
00:32:22Mr. Das, I'm just trying to see if you have any childhood trauma.
00:32:24I'm like, bitch, I grew up in India and Africa.
00:32:27My trauma has childhood.
00:32:32This is my childhood trauma.
00:32:33When I was 12 years old, a bully kicked me in my teeth so hard I swallowed my own tooth.
00:32:39And I was hospitalized and made to hydrate so I would poop out my own tooth and I never did.
00:32:43And I'm afraid it's still in there.
00:32:47And one day I would get an x-ray and in the stomach of an adult male they will find a 12 year old boy's tooth.
00:32:55And they'd be like, Mr. Das, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
00:32:59I'd be like, no, it's childhood trauma.
00:33:00They'd be like, yeah, for the child you fucking ate.
00:33:02Listen, my parents knew about mental health problems, but they gave me Indian solutions.
00:33:08He'd be like, Papa, I have crippling anxiety.
00:33:12Uh-huh, you do jumping jacks.
00:33:17Anxiety will jump out of your body.
00:33:20Then you take turmeric for acid reflux.
00:33:23Before the stadium show, I tried something called myofascial release.
00:33:27Has anybody tried it?
00:33:29Guys, let me tell you about this.
00:33:30I was in Copenhagen.
00:33:32And this muscular six foot four beautiful German man with blonde hair and blue eyes walked into my hotel room.
00:33:39I was like, if there's more of you, you deserve a Reich.
00:33:45And then he took his elbow, which was the only non-muscular part of his body,
00:33:49and shoved it into my buttock and started to move it around.
00:33:53And he started to stroke my hair.
00:33:55And he was like, you have a sadness deep inside you.
00:33:59And I was like, no, I have a German deep inside.
00:34:04And he was like, your throat chakra is fully blocked.
00:34:08And I'm like, that's because you have shoved my small intestine upwards inside it.
00:34:13And he was like, you must let go.
00:34:16And I was like, I feel the same way about you.
00:34:19And he was like, release, surrender.
00:34:21And I surrendered to these beautiful, strong German arms.
00:34:25I felt like France.
00:34:31And then New York.
00:34:32I had this beautiful emotional release.
00:34:36It was just shattering.
00:34:38I didn't cry.
00:34:39I farted for 42 seconds.
00:34:43And then his throat chakra was blocked.
00:34:44There was just coriander everywhere in the room.
00:34:50I was mortified, right?
00:34:54So I did the one thing that every Indian does when we're embarrassed abroad, right?
00:34:58I was like, sir, I'm from Pakistan.
00:35:00It's fine.
00:35:06Can I tell you why I went to therapy?
00:35:10Would that be alright?
00:35:12So I left.
00:35:13I did 186 shows abroad.
00:35:15Burnt myself out.
00:35:16My final show was in Singapore.
00:35:18I was flying home.
00:35:19First class.
00:35:21I woke up and the purser was there.
00:35:23And I was like, how long till we land in Mumbai?
00:35:26And he's like, oh, Mr. Das, this flight is to London.
00:35:29It's 10 hours to LHR.
00:35:33Fuck you.
00:35:36Not London, Mumbai.
00:35:37We are flying to Mumbai.
00:35:38And he's like, Mr. Das, you need to calm down right now.
00:35:41Because you know, when a brown man with a beard starts yelling a new destination for the plane.
00:35:44It is like a situation, situation.
00:35:54I put a show on sale in London last minute.
00:35:57It had sold out.
00:35:58Right?
00:35:59I bought a ticket, boarded a flight.
00:36:0172 hours of my life blacked out.
00:36:04Just gone.
00:36:06And then I got disoriented and I started to cry in first class.
00:36:12It's tragic, guys.
00:36:14So I cried and I drank Dom Perignon champagne.
00:36:16And then...
00:36:19Then I whimpered and I put caviar on Melba toast.
00:36:23I cried all the way to England wishing I was in India.
00:36:27I felt like Lady Mountbatten.
00:36:32A lot of you did not get that joke.
00:36:36Shall I explain? I'll explain.
00:36:37Alright.
00:36:38So guys, caviar is fish eggs.
00:36:39Uh...
00:36:42Study your own history, Bhanchoth.
00:36:45Alright.
00:36:46Sorry, white people.
00:36:49Bhanchoth...
00:36:52When you're happy, Bhanchoth is kind of what the N-word is amongst black people.
00:36:57Right? Fair?
00:36:58It's like, what up, Bhanchoth?
00:37:00Hey, he's my Bhanchoth, right?
00:37:02But when you're unhappy, Bhanchoth is like the N-word amongst white people.
00:37:09Look at that Bhanchoth.
00:37:11And I went to my therapist and I'm like, I'm blocking out entire days.
00:37:15Am I crazy?
00:37:16And she's like, Mr. Das, it's 2024.
00:37:18We don't use that word anymore.
00:37:19I'm like, I don't use dental floss.
00:37:20That doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
00:37:24She's like, Mr. Das, you seem to have a problem sitting quietly with your emotions.
00:37:27Have you ever been quiet and happy at the same time?
00:37:30Why don't you tell me a story?
00:37:33And I'm like, I cannot believe I'm paying for storytelling.
00:37:35And then I paid her money to tell her the story I just charged you for.
00:37:42Because fuck all business model.
00:37:45Two weeks before the stadium show, I broke.
00:37:47You just cry.
00:37:49And the thought that breaks you is, I'm a storyteller.
00:37:54What if I don't get to...
00:37:57Or what if I do and it's not as...
00:38:00You just cry silently.
00:38:02Which looks pathetic as a man.
00:38:03It looks like an orgasm on mute.
00:38:10It's the noise that lets you know which one it is, guys.
00:38:16And I was like, I know you can't hear me, but can you see me?
00:38:20When I was 24 years old, I was an illegal immigrant in Chicago.
00:38:24I'd overstayed my visa.
00:38:26I worked in a kitchen with Mexican cooks.
00:38:28Brutal people.
00:38:30They called me Los Platos Collega.
00:38:31Sometimes I'd sleep on the train.
00:38:34My working hours were 8am to 3am.
00:38:36And you'd freeze.
00:38:37And this guy called Sirkyo taught me this trick.
00:38:39He's like, hey, collega, come here.
00:38:41If pezones caliente, hombre caliente.
00:38:45If your nipples are warm, your body will be warm.
00:38:49Then he put hot soup from the restaurant into ziplock bags.
00:38:51Put every ziplock bag into a black garbage bag.
00:38:54Tied them together behind my neck so that soup hung over here.
00:38:58I wore a jacket and I was insulated and warm all night long.
00:39:02Everybody left me alone on the train because I was a brown man with gigantic tits.
00:39:06And you know, this was a couple of years before the trans conversation.
00:39:14But a couple of years after 9-11.
00:39:16So you know, even the Mexicans were like, maybe collega terrorista.
00:39:20Maybe mucho grande sabroso negras tetas.
00:39:27Really massive, tasty black tits.
00:39:28And...
00:39:30Sometimes you wake up on the train, man.
00:39:32It's fucking beautiful.
00:39:33It is.
00:39:34You know.
00:39:36You've got Coldplay in your ears.
00:39:38Warm soup on your nipples.
00:39:41Your head's on the window.
00:39:44You come out of a tunnel.
00:39:45You feel sunlight on your cheeks.
00:39:47They get warm.
00:39:50Your eyes go into this non-religious shade of orange.
00:40:03And there's golden light on your face.
00:40:06You feel seen.
00:40:09And you can't move because there's a...
00:40:11massive homeless man sleeping on top of you.
00:40:19Now, Indian women, some of you know this.
00:40:25Having been compressed under a heavyset man.
00:40:28Don't look at him.
00:40:29Eyes front. Eyes front.
00:40:30Look at me right now.
00:40:32The only thing that will move that man is food, right?
00:40:34So I put this man in the window seat.
00:40:36His name was Eugene.
00:40:37I fucking put him under the sun and I pulled out soup.
00:40:41He laughed his ass off.
00:40:42He's like, hey man.
00:40:43What else you got in them titties?
00:40:47And I was like, more soup.
00:40:50And then his friends surrounded me.
00:40:52And like five black guys, I gave them all soup.
00:40:54And they all called me a little soup titty n-word for five hours.
00:40:58Hey man, look at this little soup titty n-word.
00:41:00I have had Shah Rukh Khan tell me he was proud of me.
00:41:03I've had a woman call me the love of her life.
00:41:06Nothing comes close to five black guys calling you the n-word.
00:41:09It's also the most maternal I've ever felt in my life.
00:41:14You know, to pull your tit out and nourish somebody.
00:41:18Ladies, I get why you do it.
00:41:21And I told this story to my therapist.
00:41:23And my therapist is like,
00:41:24Miss Das, that is not a quiet story at all.
00:41:27And they are happier than you are.
00:41:28And I'm like, madam, you don't understand what I fucking do, do you?
00:41:31Look, happiness watched is greater than happiness lived.
00:41:36Alright?
00:41:37Do you know what every crowd has in common?
00:41:39They look different.
00:41:40They sound the same.
00:41:42Because happiness is a universal noise.
00:41:45A human being is just a noise.
00:41:47We die when we're silent.
00:41:49If I could take every audience member and put them in a suitcase and put them up on stage with me and take them around the world so that they see it like I see it and feel it like I feel it, you would understand why people like stand-up.
00:42:00Nobody's watching the comedian.
00:42:02They are listening to the audience.
00:42:04To happiness leave their body.
00:42:06Because happiness when yelled, joy when not protected, but joy projected is hope.
00:42:12It is strength.
00:42:14People with power understand that.
00:42:16The scariest thing to them is not the words that come out of my mouth.
00:42:20It is the noise that comes out of theirs.
00:42:22Comedians just say words.
00:42:24The audience tells the truth.
00:42:26And this is what I don't understand.
00:42:29Why is no one arresting the audience?
00:42:41They are the problem.
00:42:43Look at them.
00:42:44They're so stupid.
00:42:46So easily motivated by some eloquent flattery.
00:42:49And my therapist was like, Mr. Das, you have an aggressive dissociative disorder that is motivated by extreme PTSD.
00:42:56And I was like, you have passive aggressive tongue twisters that are motivated by chamomile tea.
00:43:04And she's like, Mr. Das, your anxiety is out of control.
00:43:06I need to put you on medication.
00:43:08What are your thoughts on beta blockers?
00:43:10And I was like, I believe in a woman's right to choose.
00:43:14That joke gets better if you think about it in Hindi.
00:43:18Also, I have an addictive personality.
00:43:20I'm not going to take pills.
00:43:21She's like, all right, then you need to work out seven days a week.
00:43:24The endorphins will carry you through your depression.
00:43:27So I should do jumping jacks.
00:43:29She's like, no, also take turmeric for acid leaf blood.
00:43:43Ladies and gentlemen.
00:43:48We're on a train.
00:43:49That's all this life is.
00:43:50It's a train in a fucking circle.
00:43:52And one step on that train, one stop is unhappiness and utter despair and sorrow and an ass whooping.
00:43:59And whether you are quiet or whether you are happy or whether you are careful or whether you are reckless,
00:44:04the train will stop at that station once in your life.
00:44:07I promise you.
00:44:08Stick your tits out and share your soup.
00:44:09All right.
00:44:10That's all I'm going to say.
00:44:12You could play every card in the book, right?
00:44:14And one day for no reason, your voice will just go the fuck away.
00:44:19And then one day for no reason, it will.
00:44:2210 days before my stadium shows, something freed.
00:44:27I don't know why this happened, but do you know what I think freedom is?
00:44:33When you're not constantly thinking about whether you can speak, you can speak.
00:44:38Like my voice came back, not for doctors or for healers.
00:44:42It came back for a food delivery guy.
00:44:48He handed me a package of food and instinctively, without thinking, I was like, thank you, bhai sahab.
00:44:55It just came out.
00:44:57And I just fucking, I held him and I wept for 20 minutes straight.
00:45:01I just wept in his arms.
00:45:03And he was like, you are very passionate about Kung Pao chicken.
00:45:08And I was just like, your back is very tight.
00:45:11You have a sadness deep inside.
00:45:17Don't think about what you say and it will get you into trouble.
00:45:20And when you are in trouble, do not think about what you say and it will get you out of trouble.
00:45:24Here are three quick stories to end my show that prove that.
00:45:26Are you ready?
00:45:27Number one, I was 18 years old in the city of New Delhi on the back of a motorcycle.
00:45:32My friend Sushil is driving us home from a Delhi party at a farmhouse where we have both dropped acid.
00:45:38If you have ever driven in Delhi at night, you know this, you do not need the acid.
00:45:45There are pre-existing illusions like safety.
00:45:47We get up to a red light.
00:45:50While we are getting up to the red light, a cat crosses the road.
00:45:53It fucks with my brain.
00:45:55All of a sudden at the red light, I see standing a 20 foot tall pussycat with one eye.
00:46:00And there was light shooting out of the cat's eye.
00:46:03And the cat was morphing and dancing and changing.
00:46:06And as we got closer, the cat morphed into a Delhi policeman.
00:46:13With a torch in his hand.
00:46:15The Delhi police will shine a torch in your eyes.
00:46:16We know this.
00:46:18They are like, on the off chance, you haven't had an accident yet.
00:46:25We get up to this policeman who is 6 foot 4, a Sardar.
00:46:28And I swear to God, his name was Hanta Singh.
00:46:32And as we start to flee, he tries to flag us down.
00:46:35I am told 18 years old, high on acid.
00:46:38I make direct eye contact and go,
00:46:39Meow.
00:46:46If you think running away from a Delhi policeman pisses them off, try meowing at them.
00:46:52They go insane.
00:46:53He followed us for 3 kilometers.
00:46:56We get to another red light.
00:46:57And I still do not know why.
00:46:58This is when my bastard friend starts following traffic laws.
00:47:03He stops.
00:47:05Hanta Singh got off and beat me with my helmet on.
00:47:07It still hurt.
00:47:08I was like, what is this helmet for?
00:47:10Then he beat me with my helmet.
00:47:12And I understood what the helmet was for.
00:47:15Then he started hitting me with his torch, which I thought was a magical light and kept catching with my face.
00:47:21To taste his rainbow.
00:47:23Then he looked at my friend and he was like, show me your license.
00:47:28And my friend Sushil pulled out a learner's license.
00:47:31I don't mean to stop the show, but does that joke work here?
00:47:34Yeah?
00:47:35Let me explain.
00:47:36So, guys, in India, on a learner's license, you are not allowed to do acid.
00:47:47Same.
00:47:48I see this license go past my face and it's got like colors and an aura and energy.
00:47:53I have an idea.
00:47:54I also pull out my learner's license.
00:47:56And I'm like, Inspector Hunter Singh, if we combine the power of two learners licenses, they will become a full license, sir.
00:48:12Which is like saying if two college kids fuck each other, they will become a professor, sir.
00:48:16And he laughed so much, he let me go.
00:48:22Second story.
00:48:23I was 35 years old.
00:48:25I was in a nightclub in Mumbai.
00:48:2735 is old enough to know how absurd the Indian fighting ritual is.
00:48:31I bumped up against this alpha male when I was dancing.
00:48:35Bro got angry.
00:48:36He was like, bro, are you okay?
00:48:40I was really smashed.
00:48:42I was like, yeah, it's really soft.
00:48:44Bro went insane.
00:48:47He was like, fuck off.
00:48:48Meet me outside after this song.
00:48:54After this song.
00:48:55Then for four minutes, we both just awkwardly danced.
00:48:59While making eye contact.
00:49:01Until Tunak Tunak Tun finished.
00:49:04Which is the longest song in the world.
00:49:06Legit, yo.
00:49:08This is one out of five choruses of Deler Mendy's masterpiece.
00:49:11Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tunak Tun
00:49:41Last one.
00:49:43I lied.
00:49:46Fuck the song.
00:49:48Think about the emotional journey we just went through right now.
00:49:51Because they don't fight first.
00:49:52First, they will stand around in a circle
00:49:54and tell you how many people in your family they will fuck.
00:49:58I will fuck your mother, your father, your gardener, your executive assistant.
00:50:07I'm like, am I needed for this?
00:50:11You have a concrete plan, bloke.
00:50:14I feel like we're just gathering to abuse a family.
00:50:19The fight began, right?
00:50:21I thought I'd land a punch.
00:50:23This Punjabi guy stuck his chest against my chest
00:50:25and started rubbing his chest against my chest.
00:50:28I was like, sir?
00:50:31My nipples do not know the difference
00:50:33between sensual friction and aggressive friction.
00:50:36He got both of them equally perky
00:50:39like a cathode anode situation.
00:50:43Then he stuck his fucking face to my face.
00:50:45His pupil touched my pupil
00:50:47and he saw my memories, right?
00:50:50He was like, is there a tooth in your stomach?
00:50:51Then he fucking started breathing hot air into my mouth.
00:51:01And I started breathing hot air into his mouth
00:51:03just becoming the thing I despise
00:51:04which is how I feel about elections in India.
00:51:07And then he was like,
00:51:08which literally translates to
00:51:13do it, do it.
00:51:14I want you to do it.
00:51:14Please do it.
00:51:15Do something.
00:51:15Do it.
00:51:16Do it.
00:51:16Do it now.
00:51:21So I licked his ear.
00:51:26He's right there.
00:51:28I was like, this is not confrontation.
00:51:30This is consent.
00:51:32Oh, don't you judge my palate, all right?
00:51:34You have Bombay sandwiches from Mithi Bai.
00:51:36That's ball scratching bread, all right?
00:51:37And a wave of confusion went over that man's face.
00:51:45You just saw him realize,
00:51:46I don't know if we are fucking or we are fighting.
00:51:49Which is how I feel about elections in India.
00:51:52And then he went to his friends and he's like,
00:51:54but he is that.
00:51:57Translation, but he is that.
00:51:59You ever been so confused,
00:52:00your grammar deserts your homophobia?
00:52:03And then we didn't even fucking fight.
00:52:05We just went inside and danced for four more hours.
00:52:07Fuck me.
00:52:10I just want to take you in.
00:52:12There are four minutes left in the show right now.
00:52:13You know, I came to Mumbai with a suitcase and no contacts, no money, no comedy scene.
00:52:21And there's a stadium here today, you know?
00:52:23And then, you have a voice again.
00:52:31I did both shows.
00:52:33Right before the show, you're standing backstage at a church.
00:52:36You're putting your foot up on the stadium and...
00:52:39Your voice is different.
00:52:43And when I say your voice is different, I mean, your voice is different.
00:52:48Six weeks ago, I didn't know if I was going to be here on stage.
00:52:50This is insane.
00:52:51You know, I was watching that.
00:52:59You know, you remember Freddie Mercury in Live Aid where he had no voice and he fucking came out.
00:53:03He's like, hey, oh.
00:53:04It's not the same.
00:53:12And there's this whole other special that Netflix paid you a lot of money to do.
00:53:17Where you thought about everything that you wanted to say.
00:53:21And you just don't feel like thinking that much.
00:53:24I was summoned by the Mumbai police.
00:53:54I was accused of stealing a joke from myself.
00:54:00This is very confusing.
00:54:01I wrote two shows about India.
00:54:03And they both had one common topic with different jokes.
00:54:06Right?
00:54:06So I had to go and explain joke structure to the Mumbai police.
00:54:10Which I'm about to explain to you right now.
00:54:11Are you ready, yeah?
00:54:13Mumbai, every joke has three parts.
00:54:15Number one, undeniable factual information.
00:54:18Number two, a premise.
00:54:19Number three, a punchline.
00:54:20Observe.
00:54:21Undeniable factual information.
00:54:23Not all nipples are the same size.
00:54:27Right?
00:54:28Here's a premise.
00:54:29My nipples are like India and Pakistan.
00:54:33Punchline.
00:54:34They used to be a lot closer.
00:54:36But over the years, they just grew apart.
00:54:39It's an okay joke.
00:54:39I'm just illustrating.
00:54:41By the way, any Pakistani people here tonight?
00:54:43Listen, I love you guys.
00:54:45You're always welcome in my show, right?
00:54:46Don't put this on social media.
00:54:54What's your name, buddy, from Pakistan?
00:54:56Shahzad.
00:54:57Shahzad.
00:54:57I do believe that one day our countries will be friends.
00:55:00I do believe that.
00:55:00Genuinely.
00:55:01Yeah.
00:55:01I don't know.
00:55:05I just...
00:55:05We just gotta find some common enemy.
00:55:14Let's go blow up the Maldives together, huh?
00:55:17Fuck the Maldives.
00:55:18Fucking both of our navies together, Shahzad.
00:55:20Let's do it, alright?
00:55:2165 of our ships, two of your jet skis.
00:55:31Even Shahzad is like, two jet skis, huh?
00:55:35The point I'm trying to make is, in a different joke, part one never changes.
00:55:40Observe Mumbai, here's a different joke.
00:55:42Undeniable factual information.
00:55:44Not all nipples.
00:55:46Here's a different premise.
00:55:47My nipples are like politics in India.
00:55:51Punchline.
00:55:54For as long as I can remember, the right is way more sensitive.
00:55:59Now, that...
00:56:01That joke is very easy to explain to a comedy crowd in a stadium.
00:56:10Very tough to explain to the Mumbai police at 8 o'clock in the morning.
00:56:14My lawyer and I are getting our files together in front of this Mumbai policeman called Inspector Taapse.
00:56:18He wants to get our attention and he's just like, hey!
00:56:26Immediately, every molecule in my body just goes, daddy.
00:56:29And he looks at me and he's like, these jokes you do, are they funny?
00:56:45Inspector Taapse, it's like, not all nipples.
00:56:47I do the entire routine.
00:56:48I look at my lawyer who looks like she wants to quit the profession of law.
00:56:53Because her client is pinching his nipples in a police station.
00:56:56Zero response.
00:56:57Now, when a joke's not going well, a comedian turns the gun on themselves.
00:57:00That's how you get the crowd.
00:57:01So I'm like, Inspector Taapse, if I'm actually going to go to jail for jokes,
00:57:05so please just give me two months to commit a real crime.
00:57:10And grow a real beard because I am too tiny and too pretty for jail, sir.
00:57:14I will be humped in 15 minutes.
00:57:18Finally, this man laughs.
00:57:19I get the laugh.
00:57:20He's like, yo, you will be humped in one minute.
00:57:25Wait, I will be humped in one minute or I will be humped for one minute?
00:57:29And he said, both.
00:57:33But listen, you cannot copyright topics in India.
00:57:36I'm going to take your statement.
00:57:37Tell me everything you just said in Marathi.
00:57:42I don't...
00:57:44So I'm like,
00:57:46Mazah...
00:57:47Mazah, chati gota...
00:57:53Mazah, chati gota...
00:57:58Chati gota, weagle.
00:58:01Ahita.
00:58:02He's like, hoi, hoi, hoi.
00:58:04Irla, kurla.
00:58:11Coke studio, tunak tunak.
00:58:15Jaisen, ni manus, manus, manus, manus, manus, manus, manus.
00:58:18Gota prasar prasar prasar prasar prasar.
00:58:22He's like, you should do that on stage.
00:58:24It's very relatable.
00:58:24i'm like so yeah but it's not really global and he said don't be silly indian comedy is not global
00:58:30he writes it all down every word he's like now i need to confiscate your passport hand it over
00:58:38i hand it over he puts it five feet away inside a file under this paper where some jokes are written
00:58:47you lose your passport and you're me god has taken your passport man i prayed in that police station
00:58:57and when i'm laughing when i'm desperate i laugh and he's like is something funny
00:59:02like inspector tap say you are writing my joke down word for word in your file technically
00:59:11that's copyright infringement
00:59:19and he laughs he's like you'll write a joke about anything i'm like so if you let me
00:59:33so i don't know but i promise you when i write the joke i will be the punchline
00:59:39and what about me so you will be an undeniable fact i promise you
00:59:43so please i just mean
00:59:47i will never forget this thank you
00:59:58you make me look good
01:00:02so i'm going to make you look like a god
01:00:11go now
01:00:32are you happy
01:00:34i just want to do this before we leave because you know i was told i had to
01:00:50meet you
01:01:02you
01:01:03and
01:01:11Life is vertical
01:01:31Life is vertical
01:01:34.
01:02:04Life is vertical.
01:02:14Life is vertical.
01:02:29Life is vertical.
01:02:36The world is changed.
01:02:39The world is changed.
01:02:44Life is vertical.
01:02:48The world is changed.
01:02:51Life is vertical.
01:02:54Life is vertical.
01:03:01The world is changed.
01:03:04Life is vertical.
01:03:09Life is vertical.
01:03:14The world is changed.
01:03:19Life is vertical.
01:03:21Life is vertical.
01:03:33It's represents canime picked up.
01:03:39Life is vertical.
01:03:40The world is defined.
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