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Gutfeld! The Greg Gutfeld Show 2/3/26 FULL END SHOW | ᖴO᙭ ᗷᖇEᗩKIᑎG ᑎEᗯS February 3, 2026
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00:00Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, and still it's never enough, happy Tuesday everyone,
00:25so Jeffrey Epstein's lawyers met with prosecutors just two weeks before his death to discuss cooperating
00:33with the feds, but people always make long-term plans for the future right before they kill
00:38themselves, said one woman. As part of the congressional Epstein investigation, the
00:47Clintons say they will testify on the following conditions, Hillary wants to choose the date,
00:53and Bill wants to bring one.
00:59Pharmaceutical company is developing an ozempic appetite suppression drug for dogs,
01:05and it's testing well. Joy Behar has completely stopped eating her own poop.
01:11Didn't even get to the podcast. Planet Earth is receiving signals from a planet 13 billion light
01:20years away, which means the message is 13 billion years old. What did it say?
01:26Well, happy sweet 16, Nancy.
01:30Yeah.
01:32See, 13 billion and 16 years old.
01:38A little math humor.
01:39A new study finds that artificial intelligence is threatening mostly jobs performed by women.
01:46Wow, I didn't know AI could wash the dishes.
01:50I know. I know. I know. I know. If you laughed, you're sexist.
01:58What about if you clapped?
01:59Yes. According to a new book, when in college, Bernie Sanders built his own super orgasm machine.
02:07The evidence? His hair.
02:12Makes sense. The oldest New York City resident has died at the age of 113.
02:18Her last words? Get out of my room, Mr. Cuomo.
02:21A British paper claims a French hospital was evacuated after a male patient arrived with an 8-inch
02:34World War I artillery shell lodged in his butt.
02:44See? Told you I served, said one man.
02:47According to the CDC, a U.S. life expectancy hit an all-time high in 2024.
03:02Well, I can solve that problem, said one man.
03:08Finally, IKEA is reportedly releasing a 20-inch hot dog.
03:14Although, management had to tell one customer that it's for eating only.
03:26Don't play with your food, Don.
03:29All right, so Vogue wrote a piece on Gavin Newsom, and it reads like a romance novel for housebound cat ladies.
03:35It begins, quote,
03:36Let's get this out of the way.
03:38He is embarrassingly handsome, his hair seasoned with silver, at ease with his own eminence.
03:44Damn, the writer hasn't even made it through the first paragraph, and she's already wetter than a Ted Kennedy date.
03:52I know.
03:54Sickening.
03:54Here's another, quote,
03:56Ardent, energetic, a glimmer of optimism in his eye.
04:00Kennedy-esque.
04:01Add to that the executive strut of a self-made millionaire.
04:05Wow, too bad she left out, who also sits like a little bitch with a yeast infection.
04:10But,
04:10But, Kennedy-esque?
04:14Well, I guess so.
04:15I mean, both have been entangled in a bay of pigs.
04:19But,
04:20It reads like a love letter from a stalker who just got out of prison.
04:26And it's something I can relate to.
04:28I now have six letters from Shepard Smith.
04:34What is wrong with you?
04:36I don't know.
04:36Of course, the writer avoids his sprawling scandals, the wildfires, the homelessness,
04:42banging your best friend's wife.
04:44Or, how about the $3 billion in L.A. hospice funds that went missing?
04:48That sure sounds like something worth covering.
04:51But, even the writer admits to not asking tough questions.
04:54I think, I think we found out who bought Gavin's knee pads.
04:59Of course, this drivel is predictable.
05:02Gavin's running for president, and he's in trouble.
05:04And, if the suit doesn't fit, you call Vogue to do the tailoring.
05:08It's the media's role.
05:10Lefties with bad policies and a terrible past, they get makeovers.
05:14While Republicans with experience and common sense get make-unders.
05:19And, the amount of fawning depends on how awful the subject is.
05:22Tim Waltz was sold as an action hero, when the closest he got to combat was watching a mash marathon.
05:29Kamala was brimming with folksy wisdom.
05:32But, in reality, it was burgundy and Xanax.
05:35Joe and Jill were the perfect power couple, when it was really just Nurse Ratched pushing around an Oregon grinder's monkey.
05:44Karine Jean-Pierre was a trailblazer, in that she could speak three different dialects of moron.
05:50Hillary was a champion of women's rights.
05:57It's true, she defended a woman's right to remain silent when Bill found a new use for a cigar.
06:04Some are painted as asylum refugees.
06:07Ilhan Omar, her dad, represented his past to get in, and she uses her power to enrich herself through corruptions.
06:13Hell, if Anthony Weiner runs again, they'll talk about his low body fat.
06:20But, on the right, we're evil right out of the gate.
06:24True, the media puts us in a hole deeper than the one dug for Rosie's septic tank.
06:28In 2015, Trump was called racist, misogynist, fascist.
06:33There was no makeovers, no Vogue spread.
06:36They even kept Melania off the cover, but put Jill Biden on multiple times.
06:41Hell, she hasn't been on Joe that many times.
06:48Damn, press secretaries get star treatment, but you'll never see Perino on the cover of People, or even Tiny People.
06:55And even this show didn't glide by on fake profiles.
07:01We were ignored or vilified, while hacks like Kimmel were treated like a kid from Make-A-Wish.
07:08But we'll take it.
07:10For every lefty endowed with false confidence from free publicity, they ultimately fail.
07:15After all, a car salesman puts a fresh coat of paint on a lemon so they don't have to address what's under the hood.
07:21But sooner or later, that car will break down.
07:23You can only suppress the truth for so long.
07:25Meanwhile, we righties, we've got to work harder and think harder.
07:28And it makes us way better than them at everything.
07:32See, it's a mistake these days to see right and left as two competitors on a level playing field.
07:38The left owns the field, the refs, and the ball.
07:40And yet, we're still in the game.
07:43Imagine how good we in the country could be if it were a fair fight.
07:48Let's welcome here we are tonight's guest.
07:53He looks like the guy in HR who says you have to detail your sex life to him slowly.
08:03Comedian Joe Mackey.
08:04Scientists say she's way too hot to be Stephen Miller's wife.
08:13Host of the Katie Miller podcast, Katie Miller.
08:16Even hurricanes think she's long-winded.
08:23Co-host of Outnumbered Emily Campagna.
08:26And when he kisses their lips, old ladies break their hips.
08:34Former NWA world champion and host of that entire podcast, Tyron.
08:42Joe, does it bother you, you know, as a sexy and brainy male specimen,
08:49that you never will get a profile like that, like Gavin Newsom just gets it,
08:54and you just fly under the radar?
08:56It's very frustrating, Greg, especially as someone who has been called embarrassingly handsome
09:02on a number of situations.
09:04Like one time I was in a handsome guy contest with a bunch of average-looking men.
09:09That was very embarrassing because I belonged in the Adonis division.
09:13But obviously there's a lot, a little bit of a delayed laugh there.
09:18That's fair enough.
09:18That's fair enough.
09:19We're warming up.
09:19The show's just getting started.
09:20It is, yes.
09:21Very slowly, I might add.
09:23Thanks to you.
09:23But, oh, that hurt.
09:25But fair enough.
09:27But, yeah, it was kind of, it was obviously a puff piece.
09:30I mean, she had time to ask him about if he put away the dishes
09:34but didn't ask about the California wildfires.
09:37But it wasn't all bad.
09:38I mean, sure, he was 38 and he dated a 19-year-old.
09:41There's nothing wrong with that.
09:42I would definitely date a 19-year-old.
09:44I don't care that she doesn't have a great resume as long as she can pay for my meals.
09:51Good for you.
09:53Yeah, you know, Katie, I think your husband, Stephen, is incredibly effective.
10:00And the more effective he is, the uglier the profiles are.
10:03And I know this from my own, like, when, what was that magazine that did me?
10:08What's it?
10:09Variety chose the ugliest picture of me.
10:12Just to, because that was so effective.
10:14Do you notice the big contrast in your line of work?
10:18Absolutely.
10:19I think they've never chosen a flattering photo.
10:21To your point, it's always in a corner, dark, demonic, on purpose, because that's what fits their narrative.
10:26Yes.
10:26But Gavin Newsom is, like, that sleazy used car salesman who, like, follows you around the lot and doesn't leave you alone.
10:32No, follows you home.
10:33And follows you home into your bedroom.
10:35Yeah.
10:35He's the only governor of a state where you have two million plus people leave when you have beautiful weather, gorgeous coastline.
10:42It's like, what are you doing wrong?
10:43It's like, there's nothing up there.
10:45And all you're doing is importing illegal aliens that you're giving away free cash, free cars, free housing to.
10:51And you're seeing your state in a free fall.
10:53Hasn't built one house in the Palisades.
10:55He has taxing billionaires tons of money.
10:58He can't do anything correctly except follow leftist groupthink to the detriment of Americans across his state.
11:05Yeah, and you make a great point.
11:06Oh, a little clap from Emily there.
11:09You make a great point.
11:10You know, California is beautiful.
11:12It's kind of like what Gavin Newsom has done is, like, California is like a supermodel with really bad breath.
11:19It's like, no matter how, yeah, she's great, but you can't get near her.
11:24It's like that weird congenital bad breath.
11:27Hell of a toast fish.
11:28Yeah, that smells like rotted fish.
11:30The only way Gavin Newsom stays in power is because he keeps importing all these illegal aliens who keep voting for him.
11:34Yeah, that's the only reason he keeps winning.
11:37Yeah.
11:37Emily, what did you think of the – did you make it through the whole profile?
11:42You know you'll never get one like that.
11:44I'm sorry.
11:45I don't – if I did, I would have a restraining order immediately.
11:48Yes.
11:49That's the thing.
11:50It was so beyond –
11:51Creepy.
11:51Yes.
11:52It was so beyond inappropriate.
11:53I mean, it was – I felt uncomfortable reading it because it did feel like soft porn.
12:00Like, and I didn't read Fifty Shades of Grey either for the same reason.
12:02Like, I don't need to read some desperate –
12:05Watch the movie.
12:06No.
12:07I'll tell you why later.
12:08I really don't like that actress.
12:09Jamie Dornan is in it.
12:11Oh, breathtaking.
12:12Whatever.
12:14Anyway, here's what I was thinking about in this interdict now.
12:18When you talk about earning your place and having to fight for it and going through life
12:23experience that actually concretizes who you are and you are a reflection of that, it's
12:28why, as we always talk about, people have credibility or they don't.
12:31It's why I don't listen to Billie Eilish on the stage because she is a child and she has
12:34experienced nothing.
12:36I listen to Jelly Roll.
12:37He's former incarcerated and a drug addict.
12:38So now we go to Gavin Newsom.
12:40Remember, this is someone who pretended to struggle growing up but was under the wings of
12:44the Getty family.
12:45He lied about getting into Santa Clara on a baseball scholarship.
12:49No, he didn't.
12:49Never played a game.
12:50Never made it past JV tryouts.
12:52Why couldn't it just be that you were ordinary and you got into Santa Clara because you applied
12:56and you got in?
12:57That upsets an athlete like me, but go ahead.
13:01And you earn your way and you get your experience so that when you open your mouth, I rely on the
13:06fact that you have actual experience.
13:07What we are seeing, and this is why I hate that Vogue article so much, is because it perpetuates
13:12it, that he has sailed through every spot because of his charm and good looks, nailing
13:17everyone else's wife, nailing 19-year-olds and never having an answer for it, nailing
13:21other people's wives, never having an answer for it.
13:23Do you realize if one Republican who is running for anything now even dared to have the slightest
13:29iota of his betraying background, which by the way, when he talked about the Turk affair,
13:33he said it was the worst betrayal of my life.
13:35How many have you had, you asshole?
13:37Yeah.
13:38Like, get out of here.
13:41Yeah, I didn't get that when he fell, so he cheated, well, he didn't cheat because
13:46he was separated or divorced, but he-
13:48She was married!
13:49I know, I was just getting there, Emily.
13:51Relax.
13:51Sorry.
13:52Relax.
13:53Yeah, so he slept with his campaign manager's wife, his best friend's wife, and then he said
13:59he felt, he said he felt betrayed.
14:01Gavin did, right?
14:02It was his worst betrayal that he conducted, he levied on someone.
14:05All right, yeah, well, it's, he was so, he couldn't look his penis in the eye for now.
14:11Tyrus, you, you probably forfeited all future glowing profiles by being here on this show.
14:19Well, here's the thing, though, Gutfeld, I don't have the problem that a lot of you guys
14:24do when it comes to, like, pictures and stuff, because I'm just pretty.
14:28There's no, you know what I'm saying, like, it don't matter what angle you take a picture
14:33of me, and it's irritating.
14:34I see people try to do hit pieces on me, and they're like, this, do you have anything less
14:41handsome?
14:42This guy, I mean, it's just natural.
14:44I don't even gotta try.
14:45It's like, Blue Steel ain't got s*** on me, so they just don't write about me.
14:48Because they can't, they can't do a hit piece, because it ends up being a hit piece for my
14:53silver foxes, you know what I'm saying, ladies?
14:57Tyrus is silver foxes.
14:59But I think the thing about Gavin is, this is why when you have a shady lifestyle, you
15:09gotta have contacts.
15:10In this case, what a great setup for him.
15:12His beard also works as a reporter.
15:15So it's an amazing thing that can talk about him with all these things that he's done,
15:19but he's never actually done.
15:21And I don't get the whole point about everyone saying he's handsome.
15:24I don't understand, Greg.
15:26He's got, the teeth aren't real.
15:28The face is pulled back.
15:31I mean, I guess he has a full head of hair, but it's like one piece.
15:34Yeah.
15:34Like, it just.
15:36And you know who else has a full head of hair?
15:38Hitler.
15:39Yeah.
15:40Yeah.
15:42That's a, you know what?
15:44It's kind of striking.
15:45He's got that hair.
15:45Yeah.
15:46And also banged his best friend's wife.
15:48Wow.
15:49Any chance that Gavin was a artist playing a church?
15:53Is he a vegetarian?
15:54All right.
15:55We must move on up next.
15:56Deputies, dance break.
16:00It's coming your way.
16:02Hey, hey.
16:04It's video of the day.
16:06Yeah, hey.
16:12You can report for duty by shaking your booty.
16:16Our video of the day comes to us from the Philly Sheriff's Office, who produced a music video
16:20to recruit sheriff's deputies.
16:23We'll let the video speak for itself.
16:25Peter Wizard got them back.
16:27Live in the building.
16:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:29I bet, no, I bet, sir.
16:31You ready?
16:32Where them fans at?
16:34Where them fans at?
16:36Where them fans at?
16:37Hit me one time.
16:40Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:43I got my boots on the ground.
16:50Wow.
16:52Where are they trying to recruit from?
16:54A Carnival Cruise?
16:56Who's their police chief?
16:57Tyler Perry?
16:59Call me old-fashioned, but I remember the good old days when the cops would do the electric slide.
17:04I thought, actually, this was the beginning of a commercial for a weight loss drug.
17:08You know?
17:09I was waiting for a guy to say, ask your doctor if those Zempic is right for you.
17:17Well, everybody knows that heavy people dance.
17:19I mean, that's just the thing.
17:20Yes.
17:20They so fit.
17:21Tyrus, that was the same sheriff office who bashed ICE with the sheriff calling them made-up,
17:26fake, wannabe law enforcement.
17:28And yet, I'm not really sure what the sheriffs do.
17:32Well, here's the thing.
17:33The nicest thing about that is all you're going to get from them is harsh language.
17:37Yeah.
17:37Because even if they charge, if you're at least 10 feet back, they ain't going to make it.
17:41Mm-hmm.
17:42I mean, that's the one.
17:43I mean, somebody's committing a crime.
17:45They're going to yell, stop.
17:46Yes.
17:47I got to rest.
17:48Stop.
17:49Yes.
17:51I got to.
17:51You know, the only chance you got is, I mean, if someone took a snack.
17:55But, I mean, it's just.
17:57I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.
17:59I'll be honest with you.
18:00Like, I would think about moving there if I was going to start a crime wave.
18:04Yeah.
18:05Because it would be very cost effective because I would pay them in Twinkies and then hustle my stuff on the side.
18:10Yeah.
18:11But the thing is, Katie, the sheriff's office, a lot of people don't realize, doesn't police the city.
18:16That's the Philly PD.
18:18So, they're essentially, what are they doing?
18:23They're trying to tell people it's fun.
18:26I think in order to be in the sheriff's office, you have to be overweight and not able to catch a criminal.
18:31Yeah.
18:31Maybe it's controversial, but I like my sheriffs in shape and can actually save me should a crime occur.
18:36But I also like them where they turn over illegal aliens to ICE, preferably in a jail setting.
18:42So, ICE doesn't have to go out into the streets and do these at-large arrests that have become so popular in the Trump era.
18:48And you ask yourself, why is that?
18:50Why don't these jails work with ICE anymore?
18:52Did you know in President Obama's administration, most of the ICE arrests were done by jails giving them to law enforcement, to ICE, to deport?
19:00It only became a thing when Illinois and California, in 2017, once Donald Trump was elected, did these jails stop cooperating with ICE?
19:08Now, there's over 1,000 jurisdictions nationwide that no longer cooperate with ICE.
19:13And why is that?
19:13Because they're too busy being fat and dancing in the streets.
19:16Yeah.
19:20Emily, you're a lawyer.
19:22What do they do?
19:24Like, what is this?
19:25If they're not police, if they don't make arrests, what do they do?
19:29I don't understand.
19:30I have no idea.
19:31I think they oversee, like, just a department, like, maybe do they oversee the prison system?
19:36I'm not sure.
19:37But they certainly have a lot of, I mean, they don't have to worry about being in shape.
19:41Well, here's the thing.
19:43Notwithstanding everything that you have said, which I fully agree with, but then let me just put on my dancer hat for a second.
19:48Because, as you know, I never danced shame anyone.
19:53I sort of loved that they, like, got out there and did it.
19:55And I felt like, at first, I was like, oh, no, no, no.
19:58This is just the admin, so it's okay.
20:00Until later in the frames when we saw people in uniform.
20:02But I just want to say that, like, I was like, oh, my God, I sort of love this.
20:05Like, I love that they're, like, really teaching it.
20:07Be like, you guys, we can do this.
20:08You know?
20:08So, but, again, that was just for a second.
20:11And I agree with everything that Katie said.
20:13Well, let me ask you this.
20:14You, uh, get mugged.
20:17Hold on.
20:17Stop.
20:18Hold on.
20:18Hold on, Gutfield.
20:19She want to put her dancing hat on.
20:20I, too, have a dancing hat as the 2014 WWE Slammy Dancer of the Year.
20:25You have an award for that.
20:28Should we have a dance off?
20:30No, I don't want to make you look bad because I'm about to right now.
20:33Just because you want to dance doesn't mean you should.
20:38Yes.
20:38There is places for that.
20:40I'll take you back to an old, old movie where when the kids got upset,
20:44they went in old barns and danced and did gymnastics.
20:48They did it privately.
20:49I believe it was a little classic called Footloose.
20:51Now, I can't.
20:52And now if they did it, the movie would be called Foot Stuck.
20:57Joe, you're an expert in the world of choreography.
21:01A lot of people don't know that you put on a lot of dancing performances,
21:06usually in Times Square around 3 a.m.
21:08That is true, Greg, but to Tyrus' point, I saw Footloose, and the dancing was so bad,
21:14I considered John Lithgow to be the good guy.
21:16Yes.
21:17By trying to stop those fools.
21:18But I like this dance, too, because, like, they had their own fans so they could fan themselves
21:23when they started sweating by doing their easy dance moves.
21:26Yeah, I mean, these sheriffs, they've got to watch out for more stuff than crime,
21:31maybe like type 2 diabetes.
21:34It'll sneak up on you.
21:35But I read their website.
21:36A lot of the stuff they do is civil enforcement, tax liens, protection from abusive borders.
21:40But they also handle fugitives.
21:43They've got a lot of fugitives on their website that they're trying to hunt down,
21:47and I think those fugitives are going to get away with it.
21:49I'm honestly not sure.
21:51I'm not even sure they're going to be able to do the tax liens,
21:54because they're going to be like, I can't go up there.
21:56There's stairs.
22:01I didn't have my glasses on.
22:03It was fugitives?
22:04Oh, I thought it was fudgicals.
22:05All right, up next, Blue States get the blues.
22:13A story in five words.
22:16Sad, a blue state depression, roll it.
22:23The biggest population growth this decade, all five of the states,
22:26states that Donald Trump, Donald John Trump won.
22:29It is not just a red state boom.
22:31We're also looking at what I would dare call a blue state depression,
22:35the lowest domestic net migration this decade.
22:38All five of the states, states that were won by Kamala Harris in 2024.
22:43We got a red state boom going on, a blue state depression going on,
22:47and if it holds for 2030,
22:49well, it would make the Democratic nominee for president's job
22:52of winning the Electoral College that much more difficult.
22:56Emily!
22:58Is this kind of, you know how you hear about quiet quitting?
23:02Are there like people, is this like a soft, truly civil civil war,
23:08a soft secession where all the people that are sick of the blue cities
23:12and the sanctuary cities are leaving?
23:15I actually think it's a loud secession.
23:17It's a loud voting with their feet phenomenon that's happening.
23:20It's an epidemic of people fleeing toxic states and cities like California,
23:26which breaks my heart.
23:28I am from California.
23:29It's stunning, like you said, it's so sad to see the decay happening
23:33in communities and neighborhoods and then to see the billionaires flee
23:36because they can, leaving the impoverished behind.
23:39However, there's one caveat to this,
23:41which is people that leave and take their politics with them.
23:43So we know that throughout COVID, like everyone went to Florida and Texas
23:46and Nashville and everything and Montana and bought up land in these places,
23:50but there's only some that recognized why they were leaving.
23:53Then they, instead of just saying,
23:55oh yeah, it's like the new place to be,
23:56which all those people from LA who moved to Nashville said.
23:58Or Boise, they turned Boise blue.
24:00Totally.
24:01And it's like, but why, why are you moving there?
24:03You're moving there because you have school choice,
24:05because your children aren't indoctrinated,
24:07because you're safe on the streets, because it's beautiful and clean.
24:10Every time we step outside this building,
24:12we have to step over some type of rat or crap or something horrific.
24:16Every day I'm reminded why my tax dollars are wasted.
24:20And yet those-
24:20Just Rick Hume taking a nap.
24:22But when those people leave and don't recognize why they are fleeing
24:26and what they are being magneted to, that is the fallacy.
24:31So it's incumbent upon us, I think, to spread that messaging of,
24:34do you know why you moved to Florida and Tennessee and Montana, et cetera?
24:38Don't turn it blue.
24:39Tyrus, Republicans, should they get cocky?
24:42No.
24:44God, no, no.
24:45Stop.
24:46No, we, Republicans can't play with the lead.
24:48Yeah.
24:48That's our thing.
24:49We're worse than, the turtle and the rabbit is pretty much the Democrats and Republicans.
24:53We should win by a landslide.
24:54We make all the sense in the world, but we always do dumb
24:57that slows us down.
24:59For a perfect example, like, well, everyone's moved out.
25:02And you haven't, and push back a little bit, Emily, because there was a massive migration
25:07to Florida, and this was when Florida was purple.
25:09Now Florida's about as red as it can get.
25:11So I think a lot of that, I think at one time during the pandemic when people were leaving
25:15because they just wanted to move or whatever, there's a difference between moving because
25:20you can and moving because you can't afford to live here anymore.
25:24And that changes everything because their voting habits will change because they were forced.
25:30The group is different now.
25:32It's not upper, upper.
25:33It's a lot of middle class, and it takes them longer to reestablish and things like that.
25:37So we're seeing there is a migration, but it's more of the people who are leaving.
25:42They held out for as long as they could.
25:45The last thing they wanted to do was to leave Texas.
25:47I mean, leave California, Oregon, like places where their family roots are.
25:51It's a huge undertaking.
25:53So when they're moving and they're coming to a new place and looking for a fresh start,
25:56and a lot of them are become more conservative because of what they've been through.
26:01Yeah.
26:01You look at, and we talk about, you know, California, all the houses burning.
26:05Yeah, the celebrities are acting a fool, and those are the only reasons why we hear it
26:08is because celebrities get on camera.
26:09But there are so many people that are taking their checks because they know they're getting
26:13hoodwinked and never going to rebuild, and they're moving, but they're moving with a bitterness.
26:17You know, a lot of people don't know this, Joe, but you recently moved from apartment 4F
26:22to apartment 4G.
26:25It's quite a change for you.
26:27That one had a bigger weight room.
26:31But, no, I think this poll is nonsense, to be honest.
26:34They've been saying this ever since I was a little kid because when I was a kid, the
26:38Sun Belt states were filling up, and they were mostly red.
26:40But this changes very quickly because, I mean, California was red back then.
26:45Try being a Republican there now.
26:47You're less popular than a leper at a game of co-naked twister, Greg.
26:50And, okay, that was a little dark.
26:53Okay, fair enough.
26:54But, yeah, I mean, think of the things that this census doesn't take into account.
27:00It's how many people that are being imported into these areas that are going to soon vote
27:05as well.
27:05I mean, Mom, Donnie won, not because he won the native population.
27:09He won the immigrants pretty heavily.
27:12So, there's a lot that this doesn't take into account.
27:14Wow, this is serious stuff.
27:16Sorry, audience.
27:17Katie, there are these polls that just show overwhelming support for deporting illegal aliens
27:24and opposing defunding ICE and enforcing immigration laws.
27:29So, it seems like there is momentum towards the red.
27:33The reason why there's no one moving to these Democrat states is because our borders are now
27:37closed.
27:38Hmm.
27:38Why were these states growing in size when Biden was in office?
27:42Because we had 10 million illegals enter our borders while he was in office.
27:45Why are they going down?
27:46Because our borders are closed.
27:47There's no illegals to move into their states.
27:50Hmm.
27:51It's pretty obvious.
27:53Correlation.
27:54But it could be causation.
27:55But I think the other important fact is that more conservative women than Democrat women are having babies.
28:01And why is that?
28:03It's because conservative women are more fun, are prettier, and are net hotter than their Democrat Democrats.
28:09Woo!
28:15There's your migration boom.
28:16There you go.
28:17So, there's still hope, Joe.
28:21Anyway, coming up, the Epstein dump.
28:23Heftiest eel nips.
28:31Tiniest pea shelf.
28:33Oh, the Epstein files.
28:42Emily, you're the lawyer, so I shall go to you first.
28:45The DOJ released over 3 million new pages of Epstein files, exposing countless new details and celebrity connections.
28:52One of them was a Dr. Peter Atiyah, prominent anti-aging doctor, best-selling author, and podcast host, who was recently hired as a contributor for the revamped CBS News.
29:03I will stop doing this accent now.
29:07So, this guy, Atiyah, he exchanged thousands of friendly emails with Epstein.
29:14And some of them were crass, and he acknowledged that Jeffrey's outrageous lifestyle, and now it's all coming back to haunt him.
29:20And I kept thinking, are we just lucky that we weren't exchanging emails with a weirdo 10 years ago?
29:28I mean, is this just bad luck, or does he deserve all this?
29:32I think the answer is not coming from me as an attorney, but just as a human, which is in something this huge, this truly all-encompassing, there's a lot of collateral damage.
29:44But the point is, is that there was also a lot of people that participated in a really nefarious web.
29:50And there are degrees of participation, obviously.
29:53And I think people who have such a horrified connotation with Epstein, rightly so, any association, they are quick to damn and cancel.
30:01But if you say, if you point out, look, he's just talking about health, and this was 10 years ago.
30:05Well, fine, but I was doing a doc review when I was a young attorney once about something business-related, and it was in the city.
30:13And we came across, I came across an email as we were going through the emails that had been turned over that had nothing to do with the situation,
30:20and that indicated and represented some serious criminal behavior and sort of shocking and odd.
30:26And the point is, I guess, that when you are...
30:32Did you blackmail them?
30:34Of course.
30:35How do you think I got my diamonds?
30:38No, the point is, is that I think we think thousands.
30:42People, we text a thousand a day.
30:44The volume out there that you have output is so significant, number one.
30:48Number two, criminals are going to criminal.
30:50So if you think, oh, of course, you're, you know, everything's clean, these businessmen, la, la.
30:53No, there's probably some skeletons in their closet, and when you turn everything over, you're going to get found.
30:58And also, it shows that for people who are like, no, it's fine, I didn't do anything wrong.
31:02Well, maybe you emailed with someone who was an absolute crazy criminal, and then they're going to pull your stuff up, too.
31:08Yeah, and also, he did email after Epstein was found guilty.
31:13So, Joe, here's my issue with this, is that it's such, this dump is such a mix of anonymous tips and actual real stuff.
31:22So there's real stuff in there.
31:24Then there's all this crazy stuff.
31:26You have, and what happens is you have all these influencers now that are online that are going like, so-and-so was a, raped a child.
31:32And then another one is, one of them sacrificed a baby.
31:35And it's like, it's just, how do you know the validity of these things?
31:40Oh, you don't, because the people investigating Epstein the entire time were also the people covering up for him.
31:44Now, also in the document dump was that there were 10 co-conspirators being investigated.
31:49All those names were redacted.
31:51So there's a lot we don't know, but there's still a lot of fun that we can have talking about it.
31:56I mean, that Bill Gates allegation, whether or not it's true, is hilarious that he would infect his wife with STDs and then buy antibiotics to drug her.
32:07That's the dumbest thing you could possibly do.
32:10That's why I'm not sure I believe it, because here's what you should do in that scenario.
32:15When she finds out she got an STD, you say, you were cheating on me.
32:20Then you divorce her and keep billions of dollars, Craig.
32:22Yes, yeah.
32:23That's one of those things I don't, I'm not going to, because I also don't want to be sued by Bill Gates.
32:29I don't know if that's true.
32:30That's all alleged, yeah.
32:31Yeah, it's all alleged.
32:34All alleged.
32:36You know, Katie, I'm still not mentioned in this dump, and I already have an article ready to go in case I am.
32:46What do you make of this?
32:47I think this is the greatest Democrat hoax perpetrated on the American people we've ever had in our lifetimes.
32:53If you look, why didn't the Democrats, led by Bill Clinton and Reid Hoffman, investigate this during President Obama?
32:59Why didn't they do so during President Biden?
33:02In President Trump's first term, he arrested Jeffrey Epstein.
33:05Now in the second term, he's released over 3 million pages of documents.
33:09Reid Hoffman has listed how many times these documents going to the island.
33:14He donated over $10 million between 2020 and 2024 to Democrats, yet not a single time called for the release of the documents or prosecution of those listed in them until November 2025.
33:25This is the biggest Democrat hoax that our country has seen, led by the primary leaders of the Democrat Party.
33:32He also paid for the E. Jean Carroll stuff, too, right?
33:35Yep.
33:35He's going to be behind that, and yet he turns out he's been at the island more than Gilligan.
33:40He also called for President Trump's murder.
33:45Tyrus, what's your take on all this?
33:46I don't have a take.
33:49I don't have a take.
33:51I don't care anymore about the Epstein.
33:56Take the information, give it to the victims so they can sue these bastards civilly.
34:00I'm sure every one of them that was flying back and forth on the island will be happy to settle and cut checks.
34:06It's time for us to move on.
34:08It's been s**t.
34:09We know who the people are involved.
34:11It was all done to stop the orange dragon.
34:14And it turns out the orange dragon, the only thing he did was do what I would have done and be like, that dude's a creep.
34:19I don't want him in my place.
34:20Yeah.
34:20That's it.
34:21Yeah.
34:21So.
34:23And you know what?
34:24The other two.
34:25Go ahead.
34:26No, but I'm just going to wrap this up.
34:27So you didn't get what you want.
34:30So now it is, well, Mr. Trump, Mr. President, how do you feel about the feelings of the victims?
34:36You have a lot of balls to ask that question when everyone has had, we've had three presidents since this has happened and no one has done anything.
34:47And you ask him about their feelings, like as a so-called reporter, you had your entire career to expose this, to go after this.
34:56Never did.
34:57Never want, you could have been like Geraldo looking for Jimmy Hoffa, except there was something in this safe.
35:01Yeah.
35:01All right, we must move on.
35:04Up next, the story that will blow your mind.
35:08The Pooh.
35:09Come on.
35:09When Brown comes to town, you need a man who won't blush at the sound of a flush.
35:26You need the Pooh detective.
35:31Tonight in Pooh Detective, the case of my iconic Pooh mug.
35:41Last week on The Five, First Lady Melania Trump joined us.
35:45And it's come to my attention that one of her handlers might have had a problem with my Pooh mug and wanted it removed out of respect.
35:53Here's a small clip to jog your memory.
35:55I look at your life and that you probably never saw this trajectory coming, and it reminds me of my own marriage.
36:04When my wife met me, I was just a magazine editor.
36:08She had no idea where I was going to end up.
36:10What's your relationship with the president not knowing he was going to be president?
36:15Well, I always thought, you know, that one day he might go and run, and I always told him, if you do it, you will win, because I knew how much people loved him.
36:27Now, clearly, as you can tell, we left the mug on the set.
36:30So we want to know, should I have removed it, Emily?
36:34You're starting with me.
36:36Just tell him.
36:37Was it in bad case to keep the Pooh mug in front of the first lady?
36:41Say it.
36:41Well, my question was, since, you know how they asked, like, could you remove it?
36:45Like, who was like, we're not removing it?
36:47It was you.
36:48What?
36:48Did you, were you like, no?
36:50No, I didn't know until afterwards.
36:52And then I thought about it.
36:53Nobody, everybody's so terrified of me, Emily, that they wouldn't, they wouldn't ask me.
36:59They knew better.
36:59They knew better.
37:00I would have thrown the mug at whoever asked.
37:02Everybody knows that it's your, it's a reflection of you and your comedy.
37:05It's not, it's not impugning the first lady who is grace incarnate.
37:08And also, I thought about it was sort of like my room upstairs, where, you know, it's like insane.
37:12And the whole point is that when you see everything, you, like, after a while, you forget.
37:15Like, you don't see it anymore.
37:16Yes.
37:16You don't see a Pooh mug, which is, like, you're just like,
37:19Oh, hey, it's my coffee.
37:21Yeah.
37:21You know what I'm saying?
37:22Yeah.
37:23I don't know, Tyrus.
37:25Look, Greg, I'm going to be honest with you.
37:26Yeah.
37:26I called it in.
37:30He called it in.
37:31I made my move.
37:32It was the anonymous Pooh tip.
37:33Listen, you know, you're hosting.
37:36They asked me to host.
37:37She's coming the next day.
37:39Like, I'm smart.
37:40I can say funny things.
37:42I was passed over, Greg.
37:44I was passed over.
37:46It all makes sense.
37:47So I ordered the hit.
37:48It all makes sense.
37:49It was me.
37:49I did it.
37:51I ordered the code.
37:56That's funny.
37:57Katie, do you think Melania would have minded the Pooh mug?
38:02She probably didn't even notice it.
38:04The first lady is never wrong.
38:06Yeah.
38:07That is what you have to know.
38:08President Trump would say the same.
38:09Yes.
38:10Melania is never wrong.
38:11What Melania says.
38:12I don't think she ever said anything.
38:13I think it was somebody else looking out for her.
38:16She's the best-selling documentarian of the last decade.
38:19She can do no wrong.
38:21Do what she says.
38:21Joe, some say me removing that Pooh mug would be like removing a limb from you.
38:33But I think my Pooh mug is more important than your leg or your arm.
38:37Do you have a question, Greg?
38:40I'm going to lie.
38:42What would you have done?
38:44You have to stand up for your artistic integrity, whether it's me not changing a joke or you keeping your poop-themed mug.
38:53My favorite part of the interview, though, was when you compared you going from magazine editor to talk show host to being a rich billionaire that's internationally famous to president.
39:03Yeah.
39:04Those are the same.
39:07You like that, huh?
39:08Yeah.
39:09Humble.
39:09Yeah.
39:10Humble.
39:11Yeah.
39:12I was just trying to make a connection.
39:14I feel like also it was posed as amusing out loud.
39:17Like, I don't think it was in order.
39:19From what I understand, someone was just like, hey, should we have that?
39:22You know what I mean?
39:23So I'm just trying to, like, you're okay.
39:25Okay.
39:26Yeah.
39:27You're good.
39:27When I find out who it is, they're dead.
39:32I literally just confessed.
39:35All right.
39:35It was Kat.
39:42What did a fighter say after losing his toupee?
39:45Our video of the day comes to us from heavyweight boxer Jarrell Miller,
39:48who had his hairpiece punched off during a fight at the MSG.
39:53Roll it, Vlad.
39:54Well, I've never seen this before, but a fighter is getting the hair knocked off his head, Sergio.
40:00Wow.
40:01That is going to make the rounds on social media.
40:05That's like a cartoon.
40:06He won the fight, but lost his sponsorship from the hair club for men.
40:15Tyrus, he kind of handled it pretty well.
40:17He still won the fight.
40:19Split decision.
40:20Yeah.
40:21I mean, his hair split.
40:23Yeah.
40:23Well, that's...
40:25Decided to split.
40:26Big baby's always in trouble.
40:27That boxer, he's always in trouble.
40:29He can't get out in front of himself.
40:30He always has some publicity stint or something weird in the ring.
40:33And, you know, it's funny because, you know, the left is so on everybody,
40:37but then they get in spots like this because I don't know if it's because he's black
40:40because he clearly had stolen hair on.
40:42So why didn't...
40:43Where was the outrage and the protest for that, you know?
40:47That's interesting.
40:48I didn't see that one coming.
40:50Yeah.
40:50But he's, like I said, when it happened, I was watching it,
40:53and I was like, I just, like everybody else, just started dying laughing.
40:58And I was like, what was this dude?
40:59And, but here's the thing.
41:01This is the one thing you don't want to have something extra on your head.
41:06Like, this was dumb.
41:08We are the one...
41:09And, of course, it happened right before Black History Month.
41:12So thank you because now it's besmirched.
41:15It's all ruined now.
41:17There's no way we can get this back.
41:18So thanks to him and his hairpiece coming off, Black History Month is canceled.
41:23Postponed.
41:24Malice...
41:24So we can figure this s*** out.
41:26Malice, uh, his...
41:28He says...
41:29He says he lost his hair two days before the fight after accidentally washing it with bleach
41:35instead of shampoo at his mom's house.
41:38Do you buy that?
41:40Yes, because I don't think anyone would admit that they're taking a shower at their mom's
41:44house unless it was true.
41:45You know, like, you know, I'm going to...
41:48With some of this too many details, it kind of has a ring of truth to it.
41:51And I guess on the top of his head, that's literally the ring of truth, right?
41:54Yeah.
41:56Look at that.
41:56That is the ring of truth.
41:58Look at that.
41:58That's beautiful.
41:59Dave, do you have hair like that?
42:01I do.
42:01Don't tell anyone.
42:02It looks like he just laid it on a George Foreman grill.
42:08What's odd is, why pick that hairstyle?
42:12It looks like a Merkin.
42:13Yeah.
42:14Do people know what a Merkin is?
42:15It's a pubic wig.
42:17And it looks like something a girl would wear to sneak off of Epstein's Island.
42:21Oh, I got that.
42:24But he did handle it pretty well, right?
42:25He laughed about it.
42:27I think that's the best way to do it.
42:28What else could you do?
42:30Yeah.
42:30Be offended?
42:31But who's...
42:32Like, how dare you?
42:33The convertible chants aren't going anywhere, ladies and gentlemen.
42:35But who's that confident that they're like, I'm going to win this to the point that I'm
42:38not going to get my toupee knocked off?
42:41Yes, that's true.
42:42It's like he just assumed it would stay on the whole time.
42:44That's...
42:45I like the confidence.
42:46Yeah, that's great.
42:47It's like he should also be wearing, like, little half glasses while he's boxing.
42:50A monocle.
42:51A monocle, yeah.
42:53Hey, Emily, you were there.
42:55I was there.
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