Gutfeld! (Full Episode) | January 21, 2026
#Gutfeld #Comedy #Fox News #Latest News #The Greg Gutfeld #Late Night Comedy
#Gutfeld #Comedy #Fox News #Latest News #The Greg Gutfeld #Late Night Comedy
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00:00.
00:15YES, YES, YES, YES, OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YEAH,
00:20OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
00:23WAIT AROUND AFTER THE SHOW.
00:24WE ARE GOING TO DO IT AGAIN.
00:26THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
00:28I'M GOING TO DO IT.
00:30YESTERDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP
00:32REMINDED AMERICANS THAT HE
00:34SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER TO
00:36BRING BACK MENTAL INSTITUTIONS
00:38AND INSANE ASYLUMS.
00:40IN A RELATED STORY, GUESS
00:42WHICH SHOW HAS A BRAND-NEW
00:44STUDIO.
00:46LOOK AT HIM.
00:48IT WAS DURING THAT SAME
00:50PRESSURE THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP
00:52SAID THE ONLY THING SOMALIS
00:54BOOTY.
00:56IT'S LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO
00:58STOP BUT THEN THEY DECIDED TO
01:00KEEP GOING.
01:02IT'S LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO
01:05STOP BUT THEN THEY DECIDED TO
01:07KEEP GOING.
01:09IT'S LIKE BEING ON AN EMPTY GAS
01:12TANK.
01:13EARLIER TODAY PRESIDENT TRUMP
01:16ARRIVED IN DAVOS, SWITZERLAND
01:18FOR THE WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM.
01:20HIS FIRST ACT OF BUSINESS AND
01:22ANNOUNCING THAT THE SWISS MISS
01:25GIRL IS A SEVEN AT BEST.
01:32YEAH.
01:33NATIVE AMERICAN GROUP IS SUING
01:35NEW YORK FOR BANNING NATIVE
01:37NAMES OR IMAGRY FROM SCHOOLS.
01:40IT'S ALL AN ATTEMPT FOR THEM TO
01:42RECLAIM THEIR SCHOOL MASCOT.
01:44HER NAME, COYOTE UGLY.
01:57JAMES COMER SAYS HE REJECTED AN
02:01OFFER TO INTERVIEW BILL CLINTON
02:03ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN BECAUSE BILL
02:05DEMANDED THAT THERE WOULD BE NO
02:07WITNESSES, SAYING IT WOULD ONLY
02:09HOMER, HILLARY AND A ROPE.
02:18WOMEN ARE GOING TO SOMETHING
02:20CALLED RAGE ROOMS WHERE THEY
02:22PAY TO SMASH OLD TVS, FURNITURE
02:24AND DISHES.
02:26BUT EVEN MORE DESTRUCTIVE, THEY
02:28ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE.
02:38THAT IS THE BEST JOKE YOU'RE
02:39GOING TO HEAR THIS YEAR.
02:42I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
02:44YEAH.
02:45TO PROTEST ICE, DOZENS OF
02:47RESTAURANTS IN MINNESOTA ARE
02:49PLANNING TO SHUT DOWN ON FRIDAY.
02:51SO FANS OF SOMALI FOOD WILL HAVE
02:53TO HAVE DIARRHEA AT HOME.
03:04YOU DON'T LIKE THAT SOMALI FOOD,
03:05A?
03:06AND FINALLY, MICHELLE OBAMA WAS ON
03:10THE CALL HER DADDY PODCAST TODAY.
03:12IT MAKES SENSE SINCE BARACK HAS
03:14BEEN CALLING HER DADDY FOR YEARS.
03:16I'M A LITTLE TROUBLED BY THAT ONE.
03:25ALL RIGHT.
03:26SO THE LEFT HAS A NEW SONG AND
03:27DANCE THEY'RE INFLICTING ON US.
03:29AND IT'S CALLED PERFORMATIVE IGNORANCE.
03:31WHERE PEOPLE FAKE A LACK OF
03:33KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE MOST BASIC LAWS
03:35OF LIFE AND THEN EXPECT YOU TO
03:38EXPLAIN IT.
03:39THEY PRETEND THAT COMMON SENSE IS
03:40SOMEHOW THIS FOREIGN SUBSTANCE.
03:42AS ALIEN TO THEM AS A PAYCHECK IS
03:45TO JIM ACOSTA OR A VAGINA TO DON
03:48LEMON.
03:50YEAH.
03:52BUT NOT US, RIGHT, MACKEY?
03:56THEY CLAIM TO BE BAPPLED BY THE
04:00SIMPLEST CONCEPTS.
04:01WHAT DO YOU MEAN BOYS CAN'T BECOME
04:03WOMEN?
04:04CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?
04:06LET'S HAVE A CONVERSATION.
04:08OF COURSE IT DOESN'T HELP THAT
04:10THEIR IDEA OF A CONVERSATION IS
04:12STANDING AN EIGHTH OF AN INCH FROM
04:14SOMEONE'S FACE SCREAMING LIKE
04:16THEY'RE THE SERGEANT FROM FULL
04:17METAL JACKETS.
04:19THEY THINK VOLUME EQUALS VALUE
04:22AND IF YOU RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE,
04:24THEY'LL RESPECTFULLY SPIT IN YOUR
04:26FACE.
04:27BUT SINCE PERFORMATIVE IGNORANCE
04:29TAKES NO EFFORT, IT THEN REQUIRES
04:31US TO DO THE LEG WORK, USUALLY
04:33UNDER STRESSFUL CIRCUMSTANCES.
04:36IT'S LIKE SOMEONE CHALLENGING YOU TO
04:37A 40-YARD DASH, THEN PRETENDING
04:39THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT RUNNING
04:41MEANS.
04:42AND THEN WHAT ARE SNEAKERS?
04:44WHAT DO LEGS DO?
04:45FORGET DRAGGING THEM OVER THE
04:47FINISH LINE, YOU HAVE TO DRAG THEM
04:49OVER TO THE STARTING LINE TOO.
04:51IT'S AMAZING WHAT WE HAVE TO
04:53EXPLAIN.
04:54HOW DO JAILS WORK?
04:56WHY IS BAIL IMPORTANT?
04:58WHY IS AN ERECTION IN A WOMEN'S
05:00LOCKER ROOM A NONSTARTER?
05:02IT'S LIKE EXPLAINING WHY THE SKY IS
05:06BLUE TO A 4-YEAR-OLD.
05:08THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THE 4-YEAR-OLD
05:10WON'T CALL YOU RACIST WHEN THEY
05:12LOOK STUPID.
05:13IT'S FUNNY THAT THE LEFT SPENT
05:15DECADES CLAIMING THAT THEY WERE
05:17THE SMART ONES.
05:18THEY WENT FROM PRETENDING TO BE
05:20MR. SPOCK TO FORREST GUMPS.
05:22AND PART OF THE SCAM IS TO IGNORE
05:25WHAT'S OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE ELSE.
05:27LIKE WHEN GROSS MEN PRETEND TO BE
05:29WOMEN.
05:30YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE IT.
05:32FAT WEIRDOS WHO DYE THEIR HAIR
05:34PURPLE AND SLAP ON SOME SUPPORT
05:36HOSE.
05:37AND DON'T QUESTION WHICH HOSE IT'S
05:39SUPPORTING.
05:42BUT THE LEFT PLAYS ALONG.
05:44OH, ISN'T SHE STUNNING AND BRAVE?
05:47ESPECIALLY WHEN SHAVING HER BIKINI
05:49LINE NEAR HER NUTSACK.
05:57THANK YOU.
06:07THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
06:08BUT THE GOAL OF PERFORMATIVE
06:10IGNORANCE IS TO EXHAUST YOU WITH
06:12DUMB QUESTIONS WHILE PUSHING
06:13NONSENSE UNDER THE ASSUMPTION
06:15THERE'S NO KNOWLEDGE TO REFUTE
06:16IT.
06:17TO THEM, COMMUNISM IS ALWAYS A
06:19NEW THING.
06:20YOU KNOW, EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE
06:21STILL PEOPLE ALIVE WHO SUFFERED
06:22THROUGH IT, WAITING IN LINE FOR
06:23TOILET PAPER AND NOT BECAUSE
06:25THEIR NUKED THE BATHROOM.
06:28AND ICE RAIDES, OH, THAT'S
06:30SADISTIC EXERCISE.
06:31NO.
06:32ICE HAS DETAINED ROUGHLY 400,000
06:34PEOPLE AND THE PERCENT OF
06:35PROPERLY DETAINED ILLEGALS IS
06:37BETWEEN 99.8% AND 99.95%.
06:40I HAVEN'T SEEN A SUCCESS RATE
06:42LIKE THAT SINCE I WAS CRUISING
06:44THE SINGLES BARS.
06:46BUT IF YOU TELL THEM THAT, THEY
06:49WILL SAY MATH IS RACIST.
06:51MENTION THAT RAIDES ARE CAUSED
06:52BY POLITICIANS REFUSING TO SHARE
06:54THEM.
06:55THEY WILL FIND OUT
06:57WHETHER SOMEONE IS HERE
06:58ILLEGALLY.
06:59YOU KNOW, ASK FOR A STOOL
07:00SAMPLE AND CHECK FOR REFRIED
07:01BEANS.
07:03ALL RIGHT.
07:04ALL RIGHT.
07:05ALL RIGHT.
07:06ALL RIGHT.
07:07THANK YOU.
07:08THANK YOU.
07:09THANK YOU.
07:10THANK YOU.
07:11THANK YOU.
07:12THANK YOU.
07:13THANK YOU.
07:14THANK YOU.
07:15THANK YOU.
07:16THANK YOU.
07:17YOU KNOW, ASK FOR A STOOL
07:18SAMPLE AND CHECK FOR REFRIED
07:19BEANS.
07:20ALL RIGHT.
07:21THANK YOU.
07:24THANK YOU.
07:28THANK YOU.
07:29THE L pointing out in the
07:31SYSTEM OF THE INSTITUTE
07:32THANKSING TWO prawns.
07:34IN THE YEARS AGO THAT ONE
07:35pointless to explain things. Because what's driving these creeps isn't a desire for enlightenment,
07:40it's ego. Just like their purple hair and six nose rings, it's so you pay attention to them.
07:47It's why they crashed that church the other day. And after acting ghoulish, they expressed shock
07:52over people's outrage. Oh, but isn't this free speech? We're just asking questions. No, you're
07:58not. Harassing people, stalking, shoving and blocking traffic isn't speech. Just like someone
08:05with a penis isn't a woman. Seriously, if women.
08:14Seriously, if women are so hard to define, how come Don Lemon never has sex with them?
08:23Let's welcome tonight's guest. His act was the inspiration for the sympathy card.
08:31Comedian Joe Mackey.
08:36He looks like a guy who would buy your leftover pain pills.
08:40Comedian Jim Florentine.
08:44Her book was 270 pages, but her audio book lasts two minutes.
08:50And they bought his baby clothes at the big and tall store.
08:58Former NWA world champion and host on the planet.
09:00You know, Joe, I see this performative ignorance everywhere, and it reminds me,
09:11it's like a legion of your female fans that just seems to be everywhere.
09:18I'd argue if I could, Greg.
09:19It's true.
09:20Because of those sweaters, is that how you get the women?
09:23They show off my muffin top, which is very attractive to my fans.
09:29More of me to love.
09:30We probably lost a few viewers there, but that's okay.
09:35I do have something pertinent to say, because you're right on with this monologue.
09:39A lot of times you'll be having a political discussion with the left,
09:43and they'll say these phrases that seem like they're adjacent to what you're talking about
09:46until you put any thought into it, you know?
09:49You'll be talking about illegal immigration, and they'll say, no, human is illegal.
09:54And I'm like, no one was arguing that point.
09:58This isn't Planet of the Apes, and I'm not Dr. Zaius, and you're not Taylor,
10:04or you'll be talking about abortion, and they'll say, like, women's rights are human rights.
10:10And, like, nobody was arguing that women are human.
10:15Yes.
10:15Even Dr. Zaius in Planet of the Apes was like, well, Taylor has to go,
10:21and so does his girlfriend, Bright Eyes.
10:22Yes.
10:24Whatever happened, you know, I googled Bright Eyes.
10:28Linda Harrison, beautiful gal.
10:29Beautiful gal.
10:30She's still alive.
10:31I think she lives, like, in Southern California somewhere in her 70s.
10:34You know Chuck Heston, he got that.
10:36Call me.
10:38Yeah, you know she's still hot.
10:40Jim, isn't this, I always think this, like, this thing of always asking these questions
10:44is a ploy to exhaust us.
10:47Like, they go, oh, what do you mean?
10:48And as if they haven't done the homework, and you have to.
10:52Yeah, and then they, you know, you can't criticize, liberals will never criticize each other.
10:57Yeah.
10:57That's the problem, right?
10:58They always think Trump people are in a cult.
11:00Yeah.
11:01You know, but liberals are in a cult because you can't say anything bad about it.
11:04Trump people will actually criticize Trump if he does something wrong.
11:07Mm-hmm.
11:07You know, like that Rob Reiner tweet.
11:09People criticize him for that.
11:10But the liberals will never do that.
11:11Yeah, he wasn't strong enough on that one.
11:13Yeah, yeah.
11:14He could have been a little more brutal.
11:16Could have been a little more brutal.
11:17I felt the same way.
11:19You know what it reminds me about, though?
11:21It reminds me, like, what if you use this type of performative ignorance, like, in real life?
11:26Like, you ask a woman to go out on a date, and she says no.
11:30What do you mean by no?
11:32I'm going to try that.
11:36To me, no means maybe.
11:39That's so true.
11:40They don't take no for an answer.
11:42Right.
11:42It means maybe.
11:44And I love performative ignorance.
11:46That's going to be my next comedy special, a title.
11:48That's awesome.
11:49Yeah, it is.
11:50It's really good.
11:50I'm going to try to make it a thing, Emily.
11:53Speaking of a thing, that made no sense.
12:00It's kind of weird, though, because we, like, I think they're also questioning whether or
12:04not there's such thing as common sense.
12:07Like, common sense is, like, something a collective will come up with, and it's not somehow innate.
12:11You know, it's like, who are you to say what a boy is?
12:14Well, I feel like they think that intellectualism or thoughtfulness means obliterating common sense
12:22and facts.
12:22And there's a little bit of truth to, you know, questioning, like, well, why?
12:26Or tell me this.
12:27But they have absolutely exploded things that are fundamental truths that this entire society
12:33is based on.
12:33So you're right.
12:34What is a win?
12:35Well, now there are dozens and dozens of genders.
12:38There are dozens and dozens of meanings to normal words.
12:41And the problem is, when you start pushing back on actual definitions and what is a given,
12:45nothing can exist anymore.
12:47That's true.
12:48How far is that going to be?
12:49I mean, in any legislature, are they now going to be like, well, this word could mean a million
12:52things?
12:53The reality is that when you go, for example, to an airport, do you ever see someone messing
12:59around in the women's restroom?
13:00Like, no.
13:01When there's federal space, actual federal space and federal property, there's no messing
13:05around.
13:06When you're in courts, actual federal courts, there's no messing around.
13:10So these guys just skip around their own playgrounds because they're allowed to.
13:13They're toddled.
13:14The people you see on the streets of Minneapolis, they don't have actual real jobs.
13:17They've never seen actual violence.
13:19They've never seen the stuff we see here on Sixth Avenue on a daily basis.
13:22So they're allowed to skip around in their playground because they've never seen real
13:26and God knows, they've never seen the real violence that those illegal immigrants that
13:31have been hauled off the streets have done, like raping children and murdering everyone
13:34and sodomizing everyone.
13:35If they had.
13:36I knew you were going to bring up sodomizing.
13:37I keep saying it because I want to.
13:39Every day she keeps mentioning sodomizing.
13:42I know.
13:44Because I want everyone to know that's what we're talking about because they keep trying
13:47to blur the lines that we're talking about our neighbors.
13:50Yeah, I'm going to get my rug at home sodomized later.
13:53Got this huge stain in it.
13:55Isn't that what that means, getting it sodomized?
13:57I don't know.
13:58I rented a sodomizer at the grocery store.
14:00Yes, that's what it means, Greg.
14:01It's a cleaning product, yes.
14:02Yes.
14:03So Emily makes a great point.
14:05It's kind of like what you were saying.
14:07It's like they would never try this in a black church.
14:09But also, they do this stuff under stressful conditions.
14:13Like, they'll get in your face when you're in mass and then ask you to explain something.
14:18Well, you got to hand it to them.
14:21They picked the perfect fools to run their errands.
14:25That's the best way to describe it.
14:27You have to understand how enticing it is to be a liberal, to be under their bubble.
14:33Because you don't have to be accountable.
14:35You don't have to meet any levels.
14:38There isn't a bar.
14:39You don't have to be in shape.
14:40You don't have to have a job.
14:42You don't have to have a sexuality.
14:44You don't have to have any.
14:44You can be whatever you want to be, whatever's in your fantasy on your keyboard.
14:49And they all come together.
14:52And there's only one common thing they have is that President Trump is evil.
14:56And anyone associated with him is trying to ruin the world.
15:00So they make these people who live in.
15:02This is one of the pockets in America that we have a whole generation of people that don't have to put any effort forward in life.
15:09Because America has worked so well to where you can be a person who doesn't participate.
15:15We used to call them social deviants.
15:17They didn't want to be a part of the American way.
15:21They didn't want to dress.
15:21They didn't want to be a part of the culture.
15:23Now they're being told that they're special, every one of them.
15:26And here's the thing.
15:28You can be, and they're all ignorant.
15:30And it's not performative.
15:32They found their base.
15:34They found they have nothing better to do.
15:37And they only attack things for cameras.
15:40So if you stand in front of a police officer and yell and scream at them, they've been told they can't touch you.
15:45That's why they were so shocked at what happened when, lo and behold, you try to run a police officer off or an ICA off with a car, he's going to shoot you.
15:53They can't do that to us.
15:54So this whole thing is, there is no conversation to be had.
15:59Do not engage these people.
16:00When they say, well, do you know what a woman is?
16:03And just say, no, I don't know.
16:07And go about your business.
16:08You can't engage with them because all they want is the moment.
16:12Yes, exactly.
16:13If they win, it's like the flat earthers.
16:15You argue with them, they win because you're talking about it.
16:17All right, quickly, sorry, before we go.
16:21Come see me on my Gutfeld live tour next month.
16:23They'll be in Westbury, New York, Medford, Massachusetts in March, then Georgia and Alabama in April.
16:29Go to ggutfeld.com for tickets.
16:31Up next, more reasons why we don't deserve him.
16:38We don't deserve him.
16:46Trump schools the press on how he cleaned up Biden's mess.
16:50First, first to Davos, where one wonders, does Canada get a lot of freebies?
16:56Canada gets a lot of freebies from us, by the way.
16:58They should be grateful also, but they're not.
17:00Canada lives because of the United States.
17:02Remember that, Mark?
17:04The next time you make your statements.
17:06Without us, right now, you'd all be speaking German and a little Japanese, perhaps.
17:11After the war, we gave Greenland back to Denmark.
17:17How stupid were we to do that?
17:19But we did it.
17:21But how ungrateful are they now?
17:24Very ungrateful.
17:26We provided Alaska as a buffer between them and the Soviet Union.
17:30And what did they give us?
17:32Nickelback.
17:33But the day before, Trump spoke at the White House for two hours.
17:40It was a victory lap on crime, Somali fraud, and more.
17:43So, are these really accomplishments?
17:46These are accomplishments.
17:48We have a lot of accomplishments.
17:50You see us now.
17:51You can walk right from here to a restaurant, right through the center of town.
17:55You can be with your child, with your loved one, with your lover.
17:59Your lover's not going to be killed anymore, so you can act like a real lover.
18:05$19 billion, at a minimum, is missing in Minnesota, given to a large degree by Somalians.
18:13Very low IQ people.
18:15They don't do it.
18:16They get them money, and they go out and buy Mercedes Benzes.
18:20And this is something...
18:21Ooh, I'm glad my finger wasn't in that sucker.
18:24They could have done some damage, but you know what?
18:26I wouldn't have shown the pain.
18:27Say, no, you wouldn't have.
18:31But the media wasn't listening.
18:33Instead, Jake Tapper spinned his fantasy of incoherence.
18:37President Trump today marking one full year in office with a marathon, rambling, at times
18:44incoherent, possibly unsettling White House news briefing.
18:48For any supporters of his looking for reassurance that the Trump doing wild 1 a.m. social media
18:54post is not the same Trump in the White House, well, they probably were not reassured.
19:01Once again, Tapper invoked the mythical, regretful Trump voter, which exists only in Jake's mind,
19:12next to Jake's objective reporting on Joe Biden's mumbling course for four years.
19:16But Trump's record speaks for itself.
19:19Show him the book, Mr. P.
19:21Here's the book.
19:22Each line is something that we did.
19:25Nobody did that before.
19:27And it's big stuff, too.
19:29Look, we have the hottest country in the world.
19:31Jim, are you relieved to know that when you're in D.C. your lover won't be killed?
19:46Your lover?
19:48I mean, yeah, that's good news for most people, but someone in a bad marriage, that's not good
19:52news for her.
19:53You know, all of a sudden the husband's like, hey, we'll cancel our trip to D.C. now, honey.
19:57So go to Minneapolis.
20:02What about the Somalis, man?
20:03He's going out to the Somalis.
20:06Well, he says that the only thing they do great is pirate ships, but they also open fake
20:10daycare centers.
20:10They're great at that, too.
20:12But it'd be cool if they pirated the Venezuelan boats.
20:15Yes.
20:16So we don't have to blow them up.
20:17Let them get them.
20:18I'll keep them busy.
20:18Direct their energies in a positive way.
20:21Yeah, exactly.
20:22We can get Ilhan's brother involved, Emily.
20:24You know what I love about this whole Davos thing is that everything he was saying, he
20:32would have said to us.
20:34He, like, shows up to a place with a bunch of pretentious, status-seeking douchebags,
20:41and he just basically just schooled them on America First.
20:45Yeah.
20:45Davos is traditionally this sort of elite conference.
20:49It's like in the book The Witches, when they all get together, they take off their wigs,
20:54and they show us who exactly they are.
20:57And he is there, not joining them, but still talking to them and saying, I'm actually representing
21:03real, normal people with real, normal values.
21:07I'm not just dictating what they're going to swallow, which is what, up until now, Davos
21:11used to be about.
21:11And it shocked them.
21:13I mean, remember in his first term, the people at Davos were absolutely, they had their minds
21:17blown that someone could be so audacious as to not play by their rules.
21:21But finally, President Trump represented the fact that, yeah, we don't recognize your rules
21:25because they've been sort of this whole time.
21:28Speaking of BS, when Jake Tapper says things are unsettling, incoherent, and at times rambling,
21:35I look to his own show, sir, and I think you should, what's the phrase, look to yourself
21:40before you throw stones?
21:41Something like that.
21:42He just needs to sidelines his act up.
21:47Well, now that Don Lemon's left, what do you mean?
21:50I mean, we were talking about it today, and you said something along the lines of, Trump's
21:54our pit bull, and he's protecting our yard.
21:57Just be thankful he's watching our yard.
21:59Yeah, yeah.
22:00If he was watching the yard across the street, we would be terrified.
22:04But here's the thing.
22:06Those events, typically when American politicians go over there and it's an accident,
22:11ass-kissing contest where America and whoever he represents tells everyone how great they
22:16are.
22:16I love the fact that he walked in the place like, he's about excellence.
22:21He doesn't care about your elitism.
22:22Yeah.
22:22You know, you got money, but what's it got to do with us?
22:25Yeah.
22:25And that type of straight-up honesty is what the real problem is in all of this.
22:30They're all, everyone is shocked because he tells it like it is and they don't want to
22:34hear it.
22:34Of course, and Jake Tapper, now you know what the f*** rambling is?
22:39Now?
22:40Yeah.
22:40You know what I'm saying?
22:43Like, you were reporting while an Easter bunny was scurrying the president away, and that
22:51wasn't f***ing unsettling, Jake?
22:55When he went to a press conference about a woman who died and he was pissed because she
23:00was pissed because she was late, that wasn't unsettling, Jake?
23:06When Kamala said to the f*** world, we are unburdened by what has been, that wasn't unsettling, Jake?
23:21So, Joe, I heard a rumor that you were no longer invited to Davos because too many women ended up
23:29pregnant.
23:31I can't confirm or deny that one.
23:36But I will say this, when Trump said lovers plural in D.C., I thought he was talking directly
23:41to me because I often have to deal with surplus lovers, and I don't want them to be murdered,
23:48obviously.
23:49I want to do things properly by sending them a nice breakup text.
23:54Okay, that wasn't very popular with the crowd.
23:56That's fair enough.
23:57But I will say that some of the liberal media has had a point that Trump's press conferences
24:03are a little abnormal.
24:04In this last one, he said that he likes Hell's Angels.
24:07That's a little weird coming from a president.
24:10He said that he could have been a professional baseball player.
24:12A lot of people wouldn't make that brag.
24:14But, I mean, that's why people enjoy these press conferences because they're so coherent, though.
24:21They're coherent thoughts.
24:22Those two examples that you use fall under the rubric of bar talk.
24:26Right, right.
24:27You know what I mean?
24:27It's like, let's be honest about the Hell's Angels.
24:30We know they're bad, but they're so interesting.
24:33Right.
24:33It's like, if you say, yeah, I got a buddy who's in the Hell's Angels, everybody goes,
24:38tell me everything.
24:39You know, where a liberal would say, I have my niece is trans.
24:43And you're like, you go like, I got to get out of here.
24:48Right, right.
24:48Yeah.
24:49Well, I mean, I just, I can't envision any other president doing that.
24:53And I will pay you $10 or one day's salary, whichever is higher, if J.D. Vance ever mentions
25:00Arnold Palmer's large penis.
25:02Yes, that's true.
25:04That is true.
25:05Those were the days.
25:07We're going to miss it.
25:08Up next, nut houses are back.
25:11Yeah.
25:17A story in five words.
25:19Trump brings back mental institutions.
25:27Signed an executive order to bring back mental institutions and insane asylums.
25:32We're going to have to bring them back.
25:34Hate to build those suckers, but you got to get the people off the streets.
25:39Yeah, Emily.
25:41So is this happening?
25:42This is amazing.
25:43Are people going to try to stop him?
25:45I'm sure they will.
25:46What I love about this EO, if this all progresses, is that it sort of shifts the burden now.
25:51Up until now, states enjoyed inaction.
25:55And they said, oh, we're not going to do this, and it's cruel.
25:57But now it punishes it.
25:59And they have to take action.
26:00So the ones that are the most legally vulnerable will be those that don't house the mentally
26:05unstable and also those that refuse to prosecute the ones that are essentially like camping
26:12or whatever, so when they do nothing, that's when Donald Trump is going to step into the
26:17federal government.
26:18But I just appreciate this because I think for all of that war of compassion we've been
26:22subjected to, the reality is that it is not only harmful, but it is fatal.
26:27And we have covered on this network hundreds and hundreds and probably thousands across
26:32the years of people who have died at the hands of bat crazy people that is known to law enforcement,
26:40known to the neighbors, known to the streets, known to EMS.
26:42And what do we hear?
26:43Oh, yeah, you know, they were just out on the streets.
26:46The judges' hands were tied.
26:47We are sick of it, and the families are sick of it.
26:49So finally, there will be a place to lock the doors behind them.
26:52Yeah, if this had happened sooner.
26:56If this had happened sooner, there was like at least a half a dozen women, I remember,
27:01Tyra said, were pushed in front of subway trains.
27:03Right.
27:03Or the woman sat on fire on the subway.
27:06These things never would have happened.
27:07And then there's like women that you think, you know, got it together, but they're, you
27:13know, they're, you know, like, huh?
27:16No, no.
27:17The camera did.
27:18No, what?
27:21No.
27:23Here's the thing.
27:25President Trump, once again, this is why I call him the non-profit president.
27:28What he's doing by solving a problem, he's a solutions president.
27:35What has been going on is that there has been a money laundering in this country off
27:41the backs of the homeless, off the backs of the ones who were hurt.
27:44Think about all the money we in New York.
27:46What was this?
27:47He made a billion, California, 20 billion.
27:50And what they end up, they all got new tents.
27:53Yep.
27:53So they didn't fix the problem.
27:56They financed the problem.
27:59Totally.
28:00So that's what this, that's why there'll be pushback.
28:02Because once again, through Doge, through transparency, and now solutions, what are they going to do
28:10when they have their fundraisers for millions and millions of dollars for the homeless?
28:14And, well, we now have places for them actually to go.
28:18So we don't really need to give you millions of dollars for your projects, your panel building, fundraise seeking.
28:25We're going to get to the root cause and all.
28:27So what he's doing, and again, you think that outrage is going to be upset about, whoa, it's a woman?
28:33What do you think is a woman?
28:34And they're all losing their money because they no longer can finance the homeless.
28:38Because that's what it's been.
28:38What do you mean mentally ill?
28:40How do you define that?
28:41Yeah, you know, Joe, you once told me, I'll never forget this, that you only date women in insane asylums.
28:49So when they accuse you, when they accuse you of cheating, you go, honey, you're crazy.
28:59I just came up with that.
29:00I'll tell you what, Ben.
29:04Sometimes it takes a long time for them to take off that straitjacket.
29:07You learn that when you're in your team.
29:13Well, yeah, I mean, here in New York, you have to deal with crazy people all the time.
29:18I mean, riding the subway, I saw a guy eating Indian food on the train.
29:24I was like, this guy's so nuts that the guy pooping was like, what is that horrible smell?
29:28You know, obviously, you know, obviously, I'm just going to end it there.
29:42Oh, I love that.
29:46I call it walk off.
29:47Yeah.
29:48I drink to that.
29:49Well, the other thing, too, is like, I've no, what the left doesn't understand.
29:53Oh, Cuckoo's Nest.
29:55Great movie.
29:55Do you think that, but do you think that movie was responsible for a lot of the negativity?
30:00That when, I feel like when Cuckoo's Nest came out, it gave a black mark against the nut houses.
30:05It did, definitely.
30:05Also, calling them nut houses doesn't help.
30:08And even insane asylum, that's like a little rough, the wording.
30:11Yeah, what should they be called?
30:12Like, buddy farm?
30:13Yeah.
30:13A fentanyl fun house.
30:15Also, you know, we keep these homeless people, like, you keep them on the street, they stay in the city.
30:22That's so stressful.
30:23All of these facilities would be out in the woods, in the countryside.
30:28Well, let's see where, you know, no one wants it in their neighborhood.
30:31Yeah.
30:31People bitch about a traffic light going up on, you know, so they're not going to want this.
30:35But put it in, like, a woke city like Seattle.
30:37Build it there.
30:38Yes, exactly.
30:39And then if someone escapes, they could become the next mayor of Seattle.
30:45Well done.
30:49Excellent.
30:50Everybody gets an A.
30:51Coming up, Shatner's cereal.
30:59Five more words.
31:06Shatner drives and eats cereal.
31:10Tyrus, big story today, breaking just now.
31:13Ninety-four-year-old William Shatner spotted eating a bowl of what might be Raisin Bran.
31:18We haven't verified that, but when we do, we'll break in.
31:22He was at a stoplight in California this week.
31:25Thoughts?
31:26Well, I think I can sodomize this up real quick.
31:30I like when I learn a new word.
31:32It's cool.
31:32Yes.
31:34How dare anyone question this man?
31:37No.
31:37Ninety-four years old can drive and eat a bowl of cereal?
31:41Sir.
31:42Yeah.
31:43Yes.
31:43My captain, your captain.
31:45This man literally boldly goes where no man has gone before.
31:51That's right.
31:51He has every right.
31:53His wig looks good.
31:55He's in the front seat.
31:56His seatbelt's on.
31:57Eat away, Captain Kirk.
31:58Yes.
31:59Yes.
32:00Jim, you also eat cereal in your car because you live in your car.
32:07You know, I don't know.
32:09He's in L.A. traffic eating fiber.
32:12That looks like Raisin Bran.
32:13Yeah.
32:13He's 94 years old.
32:15I have a feeling he might make it his pants.
32:19Yeah.
32:20He's living his life on the edge.
32:23It's like, you know.
32:24Can I make the net?
32:24And why is he trying to stay fit at 94?
32:27Yeah.
32:27Like, does he want to go to, like, his 80th high school reunion?
32:31You know.
32:32He'll be the fittest one there.
32:33Probably the only one there.
32:34You know.
32:35That's true.
32:36That would be the, in three years, it would be his 80th high school reunion.
32:40That's incredible.
32:42Joe, you wish you could afford cereal.
32:45Greg, let's just say if I ate cereal in my car, it would be a luxury car.
32:49But I will say this, what an alpha male, because my whole life they've been telling you the secret to living long in life is staying thin, exercising, you know, eating the Mediterranean diet.
33:03This guy's eating carbs while driving.
33:05I'm going with the Shatner method, and on my drive home tonight, I'm going to break out the fondue.
33:12Yeah.
33:12You know, it's kind of sadly ironic.
33:16I mean, not sad, really, but he's still alive, but the doctor from Star Trek is dead.
33:21Oh, Bones, no.
33:23Bones is dead.
33:24I'm a Trekkie.
33:25Bones McCoy.
33:27I love this so much.
33:29I love how perfect the, it's basically an ad, like perfectly manicured fingers, double fisting, not even trying to, like, balance the wheel with his knees or the bowl with his knees.
33:38The funny thing is, I used to carpool with a girlfriend who literally ate cereal every time we were in the car, and I thought it was so fascinating, but all it made me do was crave the cereal.
33:46Like, all this makes me, I'm not like, oh, my gosh, that's terrible.
33:48I'm like, gosh, that looks good.
33:50Yeah.
33:51You know?
33:51Do you think he has a car bowl?
33:54Just like a bowl he keeps in the car?
33:56Probably.
33:57You know?
33:57And then, like, a little cooler.
33:58In the glove compartment.
34:00Doesn't clean it.
34:00I'm sure he just beams it in and out.
34:02Yeah.
34:02But he, he does, he never cleans the bowl.
34:05It's just in there the whole time.
34:07Oh, I get out my bowl.
34:09I want to see if he was drinking the milk at the next light.
34:11Yeah.
34:12Well, anyway.
34:12We did sodomize that topic.
34:17Up next, a thrilling new ride.
34:24Five more, more words.
34:26Fast and Furious new coaster.
34:35Joe, next year, Universal Studios Orlando is replacing their old Fast and Furious ride with a new roller coaster called Fast and Furious Hollywood Drift.
34:45The ride will feature a 170-foot vertical spike and a 360-degree drifting simulator.
34:53If there was a Joe Mackey ride, what would it be?
34:58It'd be one of those giant water slides where men have to keep their shirts on, too.
35:04So the people with back hair wouldn't feel self-conscious.
35:08I think this is a great idea because now I can, I don't have to watch a Fast and the Furious movie to throw up.
35:18I have never seen a Fast and Furious movie.
35:20Neither have I.
35:20I've never seen one.
35:21So, Jim, obviously amusement parks are where you take your dates or find your dates.
35:29Usually after seventh period.
35:35You think I'm kidding.
35:38Does this excite you?
35:40Are you a theme park kind of guy?
35:41No, I'm not.
35:42And they're replacing a Fast and Furious ride.
35:45So what are they going to call it?
35:46Faster and more furious?
35:47You know, and if you're going to replace something at, like, Universal, replace the crappy food they have there.
35:53Yeah.
35:54You know, I got to eat at a Panda Express right before I'm going on a roller coaster.
35:57I'm already worried about crap in my pants, being scared.
36:00And I eat Panda Express.
36:02Watch out below.
36:03Oh, yes.
36:05Adds to the danger, Emily.
36:07You're an adrenaline junkie.
36:09What is your favorite ride?
36:11And keep it clean.
36:12Actually, weirdly, so I love cars, I love drag racing, I love all that stuff.
36:18But for amusement parks, I don't really like roller coasters.
36:20So my favorite rides are more like the Pirates of the Caribbean and...
36:24Caribbean.
36:26Whatever.
36:27Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg.
36:32Whatever.
36:33Anyway, and the Haunted Mansion is obviously my favorite, but also...
36:35The Haunted Mansion is the worst ride ever.
36:38Greg, Greg.
36:39It's the best ride.
36:39That and Pirates of the Caribbean.
36:40You guys, stop it.
36:42But I'll say this.
36:43I've never been to...
36:44I've only been to Disneyland in California, Anaheim, obviously, and Universal Studios there.
36:49Like, I've never been to anything in Florida.
36:51But also, R.I.P. Brian O'Connor.
36:52I can't wait to go to the Fast and Furious ride if I ever get there.
36:55If I ever go.
36:56When I really want to take a risk, Tyrus, I'll do the teacups twice in a row.
37:02I'm right there with you.
37:03Yeah, I'll pull my shirt up around my nipples.
37:06And then now...
37:07Belly hangs out.
37:08You'll see me and my date on the teacups.
37:10Oh, my gosh.
37:15What the heck?
37:15This is why, man, every time I try to partner up with you and tease somebody, you make it
37:21so weird, man.
37:22I hate amusement parks because I outgrew them at 12.
37:27Yes.
37:27So...
37:28Did they not let you on rides?
37:30Oh, they let me on, but then, you know, having my knees looking like Johnny Joey afterwards
37:34was not a real good thing.
37:40I don't care.
37:41Johnny's laughing his ass off right now.
37:43I'm sorry.
37:44Legs.
37:44I have a...
37:45I can't stand...
37:47I've got to tell you, the worst...
37:48The worst...
37:49Neither can he.
37:50Oh.
37:53I hate the haunted mansion.
37:56Why?
37:56Because I didn't know what it was.
37:58Everybody goes, oh, you'll love the haunted mansion.
38:00You got scared.
38:01You got scared.
38:01Do you know what the haunted mansion is?
38:03You got scared.
38:03All it is is a room going up and then dropping.
38:06Mm-hmm.
38:06And it's like...
38:07Slowly like an elevator.
38:08What happened, Greg?
38:08How old were you?
38:10Let's talk about it.
38:11I was 40.
38:12Okay.
38:15The little guy sat next to you.
38:16I thought you were in a little car.
38:17Hell, yeah.
38:18And then you went around in this little haunted mansion, and things would go, boo, and...
38:22No, they just dropped you.
38:23Sitting right next to you, and you peed your little pants.
38:25Exactly.
38:27I wish it was only pee.
38:30Happy Tuesday, everyone.
38:34So the DOJ is looking into how Ilhan Omar's husband's wine business jumped from $1 to $5
38:42million in 2024.
38:46He says it was all due to just one new customer.
38:54JB Pritzker refused to answer if a man could become a woman.
38:57In his defense, it's hard to be an expert at genitalia when you can't see your own.
39:04That's fair.
39:06Yeah.
39:06Fair observation.
39:07Yeah.
39:07It's on a milk carton somewhere.
39:10Families in Minneapolis' school district were offered free tickets to see Hillary Clinton
39:15at Target Center next week.
39:17It's part of a package deal where families can also get free passes to see Bill Clinton
39:22at Hooters.
39:23He'll be signing breasts.
39:28Chicken.
39:29Dylan Mulvaney has been cast as Anne Boleyn in the Broadway musical Six.
39:35Well, I guess they have something in common.
39:37They both didn't want their heads cut off.
39:45Oh, it's okay.
39:46Why would you clap for something so disgusting?
39:54A Pennsylvania man is accused of stealing dozens of bones, skulls, and human remains from
39:59a historic cemetery.
40:01Well, he could have saved time and visited Delaware.
40:03I don't have a
40:08You can never wrath that you make 2021.
40:10I don't have the
40:11Guys, where are you now?
40:12Hey, how are you now?
40:13Hey, how are you now?
40:13They have no fear.
40:14But now, you have no fear.
40:14They thought it was young.
40:15I mean you're all the way.
40:16This is not good at home.
40:18anten継 is our bestie
40:19boiling point because
40:21We will make the
40:26We will make the
40:28We will make the
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