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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carter!
00:04Ta-da! Hey!
00:07Well, thank you. Thank you very much.
00:16Manage your expectations.
00:18Now, have we got a show for you?
00:20That remains to be seen.
00:22I'll tell you what we do have. Go wild and crazy.
00:24I'll bring them all out at the same time.
00:26We've got John Richardson, Rob Beckett, Judy Love,
00:28Katherine Parkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32That's something for John.
00:34Let's count down.
00:38Get in there.
00:40Right.
00:42Go.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46Spoiler alert, John wins.
00:50OK, everyone, we're ready to go. Let's do this.
00:52Let's do this.
00:54MUSIC
01:00MUSIC
01:02MUSIC
01:04MUSIC
01:05MUSIC
01:10MUSIC
01:15MUSIC
01:16MUSIC
01:18Hello and welcome to out of ten cats does countdown a show about letters numbers and conundrums. Okay, let's meet tonight's players first up
01:35We've got team captain John Richardson
01:44Big dog daddy, that's what I'm talking about
01:48Well, one at one of those words is factually correct. Yeah, and it's not big or dog
01:54You've got to hand it to John because he's so small. He can't reach it by himself
02:00It's people meet me and they genuinely think I'm about three foot two and John's teammate Judy love
02:11Judy once went to a concert to see her favorite band
02:14Blue and got so excited that she threw her bra on stage
02:18killing all four
02:25Who's your favorite member of blue? I love blue. I think it was Simon Simon was lovely but the bra was yeah
02:31It did it was like it was like a tent like one
02:35I love it was just like
02:37Up against him this evening. We've got team captain Rob Beckett
02:40We do a lot of jokes about Rob's teeth but to be serious for a second if you are feeding him remember flat palm and let him come to you
02:53Oh
02:55Oh
02:57That's crazy
02:59Okay, are they are they veneers or they they're your own teeth because they're good
03:09They are big of a no when I laugh it looks like they're running out
03:15Joining Rob tonight, it's Katherine Parkinson
03:17Katherine is an actress in her 40s, so there's still lots of parts for her on television whether she wants to play a divorced mother of five
03:30An aging spinster or a kindly grandmother. There's all kinds of opportunities
03:36I'm only just in my 40s. I'm nearly out my 40s, but so thank you
03:40Uh, John now you know the you voiced grouchy Smurf in the Smurfs movie. How did you get that wrong? Why were you cast?
03:48Well, I think fanny smasher Smurf had already been cast
03:58It's in the deleted scenes, but it's well worth checking out
04:02To the toilet there's a chance you missed my entire input to the film
04:06Technically I was in a film with Rihanna and she doesn't know who the hell I am
04:10You don't know film. Yes, you're like a bird that commentates on film. Yes, and you're in Cinderella, which we love. Yes, I was in Cinderella
04:26I was the pervert trying to get off of it. It's good. They let you keep the glasses though
04:31I am tell you that I mean part of the reason we watch that is because
04:40My husband originally had that part, but they
04:44Had him in his costume, and he did a scene and they thought he looked too pervy
04:50So they've got someone who looks pervy
04:53I think though Camilla about look very young as Cinderella very young and my husband is
04:58It's yes my age and a convicted pervert
05:03Judy what would be your perfect day off? I
05:06Think it'd be at home not having to do any kind of maths or work with numbers and words and shit like this
05:16I Don't want to cook. I don't want to talk to no one. I don't want to know. I don't want to do anything
05:20I'll be honest you ask me
05:22Who said I'd get bored? I've got kids when you say you've got kids how many kids you got to yeah, too
05:28How old are they dude? One's 21? Yeah, but that's that count. You're not the front line of a three-year-old
05:34Rob you've got a mascot. Yes, I do. I have got mascot actually
05:38So one of my favorite pastimes little hobby of mine is tripping up children
05:45When you've got kids you're a lot of parties soft plays and there's always a couple of idiot kids that are being mean to your kids
05:51So a little as they're sprinting past being that a little leg out
05:56Just to catch him on the run and
05:58Ever do it to your own child or no
06:00I don't know but I don't I don't just do it to all if it's just you know
06:03I'm getting older kids are getting younger and quicker and stuff like that
06:06So what I've got is I've had some special shoes made to help me with the tripping up because it can get difficult
06:11So I've got these they're only a prototype think they're gonna take off
06:21I
06:23I
06:25Like to see these yes, they're like obviously I've got them to look like normal shoes. People don't know this
06:30Yeah
06:32No, I'll come around and show you what oh
06:34I don't know if you
06:36It's not really that
06:38What's that?
06:40What?
06:41Well you can tell you can tell
06:43You can tell when you know
06:51They're cool, they're really cool
06:53I think they might catch on
06:55A classic pair of sort of lace-up trainers
06:58Say you're at a party, you just sat down having a chat
07:02You're having a drink, kid run past in a coffee shop, fuck off
07:07And then you're just easy to go twat
07:11Can you run in those?
07:12What's that?
07:13I'm not chasing kids
07:15You look like someone who chases kids if I'm honest
07:17That's really
07:30Oh, that's really
07:31Oh my God, that was pretty good
07:34Oh that was, that was close though
07:37I nearly went
07:38Before the pair let me know I'm going to start a
07:40crowd-funder
07:41Funder
08:00Catherine and Catherine have you got a mascot? Yeah, but it's nothing like that. I mean you've created yours
08:05You have you made those yourself? Absolutely. That's
08:08I mean, this is this is shop-bought what I've got and it's just to relieve tension in the drawer
08:14But when I first got it I did I used it this way for quite a while until somebody so it was actually this way
08:24Oh my god, what is going on there? It looks good. Oh, it's very briefly like the same work that I've had done
08:33It'll have bits of my dead skin on it now, but no problem ahead
08:38It's nice, isn't it?
08:40It's nice, isn't it?
08:42It doesn't look great
08:44Someone's going to photoshop something in there, Rob
08:48As it pushes its back, it unlocks the jaw
08:52It does, it does
08:53Because they're white as well, it looks like your teeth are sort of escaping
08:58It's going to pull them back
09:00Judy have you got a mascot?
09:02I have because when I come on the show I get a bit nervous
09:06I'm always worried about like what's going to be the end result
09:10But because of that I thought let me just relax myself
09:12I've got
09:14My crystal ball
09:16So I can get predictions
09:18Oh
09:20Now I can see this gorgeous
09:22Gorgeous woman
09:23Very, very
09:24Oh, God
09:25Look at her
09:26Just hot
09:27Oh, sorry, that's me
09:28Sorry
09:29But I can see lots of little things
09:32I can see John at home by himself
09:35Arguing with a thermostat
09:40I'm not paying these prices, I'll put a cardigan
09:42Yeah, yeah
09:43Susie
09:44I can see Susie in the afterlife
09:46Having a conversation
09:48Well, actually pulling up gods
09:49Because he said Pacific instead of specific
09:52Have a break, girl
09:54Have a break
09:55Do you know what I mean?
09:56So, yeah, I can see
09:57And I can see
09:58Susie's dead in that
09:59Yeah, but she's not
10:00She buried the lead on that
10:01How did she die?
10:02She doesn't die by being tripped up, does she?
10:05But what I mainly can predict is that we're going to win
10:11The silence, that was killing
10:16Of course, Susie, let's enjoy while we've got it
10:18OK, John, have you got a mascot?
10:19Yes, well, it's a business venture really, Jimmy
10:22Oh
10:23So I've gone into music, tribute bands, a lot of coin in tributes
10:27So I found this guy who does Elvis, first of all
10:30He was my first act, but he was a bit...
10:33Well, he was shit
10:34So people would ask who he was
10:36So we had to rename him Elvish
10:38So sometimes you want to update an act while you're doing the tribute
10:43So I've got a modern Johnny Cash called Johnny Contacts
10:47And I sort of brought all the songs up into the modern age
10:54He's got a song about Dodgy Market called Ring of Fire Sticks
10:57I've got a one-man Led Zeppelin
11:01Because I can't afford all of them, so that's Les Zeppelin
11:04LAUGHTER
11:06I've got loads of these, I've got a one-man Iron Maiden
11:09Brian Maiden
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12I've got as many of these as you want
11:14One-man take that, Jake that
11:15Oh, that is
11:16LAUGHTER
11:18And then I saw the Oasis gigs
11:19And I thought, well, there's got to be coin in that
11:21I thought one thing that puts people off going to the Oasis gigs
11:23I think there's a bit of a reputation for being quite laddy
11:25And quite unpleasant, or piss-throwing and all that
11:28So I thought, how do you change that?
11:29Well, you just, the music speaks for itself
11:31So you just make it less laddy and less toxic
11:33So I've got a tribute band called Oasis
11:37And I'm delighted to say, making their TV debut
11:40I've brought them along tonight
11:41So, ladies and gentlemen, Oasis sisters are hanging out with it
11:45So Sally can't wait
11:59She knows it's too late
12:02Says we're walking on by
12:06The soul slides away
12:12Don't look back in anger
12:15I heard you say
12:25You were slightly okay
12:27You were?
12:28The only key that I need
12:29Is the one that I'm going to scrape down your fucking car
12:34You know, you are a woman with a soup spoon
12:37And a world full of steak
12:40I've had a fucking enough of this
12:45I've fucking enough
12:47You, you weasel in cardigan wearing little swat
12:51You better pay us what you owe
12:54Yeah, I agree with her, actually
12:57And I've got big hands
13:05Over in Dictionary Corner, please welcome Spencer Jones
13:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:15HE LAUGHS
13:17HE LAUGHS
13:18All right
13:19Well, Spencer, good to have you back
13:21What have you been up to recently?
13:22I've been, um...
13:23Everyone's got a dodgy offie
13:25That they go to
13:26But what I like to do
13:27When I go to the dodgy offie
13:28Give the boys the red stripe
13:29Empty the bag
13:30Put the bag on your head like that
13:32Put that round that ear like that
13:33And then round that ear like that
13:34And then round that ear like that
13:35And then...
13:36OK
13:45You might get signed by John Adams
13:46Yeah, I'll take it
13:47Want some more?
13:48Yeah
13:51I'm sure the best thing I came up with in lockdown
13:52I'll be honest, it's the only thing I came up with in lockdown
13:54Now
14:15Sometimes when you visit in a hospital, you know, it's a sad time people are dying
14:19But they've got plenty of these knocking around which you can Nick
14:22You know, no love a girl. Yeah, you can do sort of like you lie. It's fine
14:33It's too cheap
14:35Anyone got work tomorrow
14:38Me too
14:40What you can do when you blow up like that you put one finger in like that and then that one comes through there like that
14:44And then nothing you go in there like that and then that one and that and then
14:47I know we're dying, but then we're laughing
14:55And then what you can do you squeeze it like that and then twist it like that and then
15:00oh
15:08Oh
15:10Yeah
15:12I'm just going to record it susie dents
15:19Last Valentines Day susie dent co-wrote a romantic radio drama. I listened to it, Susie. I'll be honest with you. I was bored stiff
15:26LAUGHTER
15:28Susie, what words make you laugh?
15:30Lots of words make me laugh.
15:32In the historical dictionary,
15:34there's a word for someone who wishes bad luck upon someone else
15:38and they are described as ill-willy.
15:40If you are kind towards someone, you are good-willy.
15:43And if you really wish death and destruction on someone,
15:46you are evil-willy.
15:48And these are all from the 17th century.
15:50I can't imagine you've ever been described as being good-willy.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:55OK. And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
16:04Rachel, have you ever been tempted to get a tattoo?
16:06You know, I feel like everyone's got one except me,
16:08so I would quite like to get one.
16:10My brother's got absolutely loads,
16:12but you've got to get it right, haven't you?
16:14You've got to get something meaningful and something you don't regret.
16:16So I'm thinking of getting your face, like, here,
16:20so, like, the mouth can be my belly button,
16:22cos, basically, I really want to know what it looks like
16:24to see your face on real human skin.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:29APPLAUSE
16:35OK, the prize that seems to be competing for tonight
16:37is this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
16:39Oh!
16:42APPLAUSE
16:47Oh, this should be good.
16:49Oh.
16:50Oh.
16:51Maybe get...
16:52Maybe a little bit closer together, guys.
16:53Just edge it.
16:54Maybe a little bit...
16:56Get a touch closer, just a tad.
17:09I thought they were beekeepers.
17:11One in the blue, let's see your face.
17:14I knew the second one was a brother, I knew it.
17:17I don't know, it was just something in his walk, I said that to him.
17:19You said, you said, I could tell from his walk he was black and I didn't know what to say.
17:23Literally, I whispered it to John, I was hoping John would say it,
17:29but I didn't want it to get cancelled, but I just saw it in his walk.
17:34I don't know what that man is called, but...
17:37RUN!
17:41OK, let's count down every one, time for the first game.
17:43Rob and Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
17:46A vowel, please. Yeah, sure.
17:47Can you have an E?
17:48A consonant, please.
17:50N.
17:51Another vowel, please.
17:53A.
17:54A consonant.
17:55G.
17:56Another vowel, please.
17:57I.
17:58A consonant.
17:59S.
18:00Another consonant, please.
18:02L.
18:03A vowel.
18:04U.
18:05And another vowel, please.
18:10Can we stop a second?
18:12When you said that, the crowd oohed, which I felt like you'd made a bad decision, but I wasn't listening from you.
18:19Shall we switch?
18:20Do we think that's too many vowels?
18:21Can I...
18:22Consonant, please?
18:23Consonant.
18:24Very unusual that someone messes up the picking of the letters.
18:28OK, while you crack on with that, I've got a side hustle.
18:31I'm a couples therapist.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33OK.
18:34All right.
18:35OK.
18:36All right.
18:38Next.
18:39LAUGHTER
18:40This is, uh, this is Mark Obama and Oprah Woofrey.
18:53Your time starts now.
18:56Uh, well, where should we begin?
18:58OK.
18:59Well, tell me about your sex life.
19:01So you just do it doggy style, do you?
19:05Bark Obama, you're saying she won't let you bury her bone anymore.
19:10You've got, if you don't mind me saying, real dog breath.
19:14How did you two meet?
19:16Dogging.
19:18Mate, I think you should leave her, she's a bitch.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:27Well, I see you two have, uh, made up now.
19:29So that'll be £500, please.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:33OK, round of applause, everyone, for our dogs and their handlers.
19:43Uh, Rob, how many?
19:44Six.
19:45Catherine, how many?
19:46Six.
19:47Six, OK.
19:48Uh, Judy?
19:49Six.
19:50John, how many?
19:51Seven.
19:52Six.
19:53Aliens.
19:54Catherine, you're six.
19:55Claws.
19:56OK.
19:57Oh, nice.
19:58Uh, Judy, you're six.
19:59I had uncles.
20:00Uh, John, for the win, you're seven.
20:02Uh, glances.
20:04Yeah.
20:05Oh.
20:06Wow.
20:07He's really good, isn't he?
20:08Seven points to John.
20:09Uh, Susie, could they have done you better?
20:13You could have had lunacies for eight.
20:15So at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with seven points.
20:19It's not fun.
20:20It's not fun with the other ones, baby.
20:22On to our first numbers round.
20:23Judy, you get your pick of the numbers.
20:24Uh...
20:25No, just do it.
20:26Ten.
20:27Ten.
20:28Ten?
20:29You can have up to four big ones.
20:31Yeah.
20:32And then the rest little ones.
20:33So, I'll pick...
20:35Ten.
20:36No.
20:37What numbers?
20:38Well, you don't get to pick the numbers, that's why it's fun.
20:42So you get to say two big or three big or four big.
20:46OK, so three big ones.
20:47Three big ones.
20:48Oh.
20:49And how many?
20:50Four.
20:51I don't think we were going to win this round.
20:53Four small ones.
20:54Shall we go for three small ones?
20:55Three small.
20:56Yeah, three.
20:57How many numbers can we pick all together?
20:58Six.
20:59Three.
21:00Has that changed?
21:01They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:03Bang!
21:04They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:06Richard Whiteley died in that chair.
21:07They haven't changed the fucking head.
21:11It was different last time, when I was picking numbers.
21:14It's exactly the same.
21:15You predicted the future tonight, you didn't see this coming.
21:19OK, three small ones.
21:21Seven, nine, and ten.
21:23You've got your ten.
21:25And the big ones.
21:26Fifty, twenty-five, and one hundred.
21:28Oh, yes!
21:29I remember that.
21:30One hundred and twelve.
21:31One hundred and twelve.
21:32OK, your target is one hundred and twelve.
21:33Your time starts now.
21:34Do you have to use...
21:35I'm sorry.
21:36I'm finished.
21:37I'm sorry.
21:38I'm sorry.
21:39Right.
21:40I'm going to do it.
21:41Oh, I know.
21:42I'm sorry.
21:43I'm sorry.
21:44I'm sorry.
21:45I just made my life.
21:46Ok.
21:47I've done that thing.
21:56I've done that thing.
21:58I've done that thing.
22:01I've saved my life.
22:06OK.
22:07No-one else.
22:08We've done it right.
22:17Rob, did you get it?
22:18Yeah.
22:19First time ever.
22:21Really quick.
22:23Can I check?
22:24You don't have to use all the numbers, do you?
22:26Yes.
22:27OK.
22:28We don't have to use all the numbers.
22:31Judy.
22:33Judy.
22:35Did you get it?
22:36Well, if I knew that we didn't have to use all the numbers,
22:39of course I would have bloody got it.
22:41I would have got it.
22:42I got 99.
22:44LAUGHTER
22:46Try to tell you how.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:51Yeah.
22:53Shut it out.
22:54So, I did.
22:56How did you get less than 100?
22:58There's a fucking 100 there.
23:01100 take away 50 equals 50.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06Take away 25 equals 25.
23:10And then 25 take away 10 left 15.
23:14And then...
23:15LAUGHTER
23:16Added 15 to 100 was 115.
23:20Oh, my God.
23:21And then I added 7 and 9, which was 16.
23:24And took away 16 from 115, which was 99.
23:29LAUGHTER
23:30Wow.
23:31Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:32LAUGHTER
23:33Wow.
23:34Catherine, did you get it?
23:35I hope so, having sort of whooped and sort of been all pleased with myself that I did get it, I think.
23:39Well, talk us through it.
23:40So, 9 take away 7 is 2.
23:41That was the hard bit.
23:44Plus 10 is 12.
23:45Plus 100 is 112.
23:46Yep.
23:47APPLAUSE
23:48Oh!
23:49Oh!
23:50Oh!
23:51Oh!
23:52I didn't think that would happen.
23:53John, did you get it?
23:54I did 50 over 10 plus 7 for the 12.
23:55Yeah, that would do.
23:56Nice.
23:5710 points for both teams.
23:58APPLAUSE
23:59And here is your teaser.
24:00The words are wang sight.
24:01The clue is...
24:02Is it a hoi in here?
24:03That's wang sight.
24:04Is it a hoi in here?
24:05Is it a hoi in here?
24:06See you after the break.
24:07APPLAUSE
24:08APPLAUSE
24:09APPLAUSE
24:38Welcome back.
24:39The answer to the teaser.
24:40The words were wang sight.
24:42The clue was...
24:43Is it hot in here?
24:44Is, of course, sweating.
24:45OK, so John and Judy are in the lead.
24:48They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:52Huh?
24:53So, Judy, your turn to choose the letters.
24:55Vowel.
24:56Yep.
24:57Nailed it.
24:58E.
24:59Consonant.
25:00T.
25:01Consonant.
25:02John, while this is going on...
25:04Vowel.
25:05A.
25:06Vowel.
25:07I put just Pilates.
25:08Oh, yeah, great.
25:09Vowel.
25:10Shall we?
25:11Yeah, we shall.
25:12O.
25:13Continent.
25:14T.
25:15It's not that I'm not interested.
25:16I just think this is going to be shit.
25:18And Vowel.
25:20If I go...
25:21And...
25:22E.
25:23I've actually only hired one machine, so we're both going at the same time.
25:26So, if you go there...
25:27Yeah?
25:28Yeah, you grab that.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:30Was it lentils again, was it?
25:33LAUGHTER
25:35OK, your time starts...
25:37Now.
25:38Can you feel the burn?
25:39Can you feel the burn?
25:40Can you feel the burn?
25:41Can you feel the burn?
25:42Can you feel the burn?
25:43Can you feel the burn?
25:44Can you feel the burn?
25:45Can you feel the burn?
25:46Can you feel the burn?
25:47Can you feel the burn?
25:48Can you feel the burn?
25:49Can you feel the burn?
25:50Can you feel the burn?
25:51Can you feel the burn?
25:52Can you feel the burn?
25:53Can you feel the burn?
25:58Can you feel the burn?
25:59Can you feel the burn, yeah?
26:02LAUGHTER
26:05Can you feel the burn, yeah?
26:10APPLAUSE
26:13Oh, God.
26:16So, John, do you mind if I just take the tip out?
26:21LAUGHTER
26:23I've got tear, if that's anything.
26:26Judy, love, have you got your phone out?
26:28I was just checking the spelling.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:34Sorry, sorry, John, do you...?
26:36Oh, John...
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39Is that reformed Pilates?
26:41Yeah, it's amazing. It's really good.
26:45I liked it, yeah, but it's nice to be intimate.
26:47LAUGHTER
26:49Judy, how many? Five, six.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52Five, six, OK. Rob, how many did you get?
26:55OK, we're behind. I've got a solid six,
26:57but I'm just going in for a seven.
26:59OK, all right, so, Judy, what is your six?
27:02I've got stereo.
27:04Two E's for stereo.
27:06What do you mean?
27:07There's two E's here, right?
27:08Yeah, there are two E's, sorry.
27:09Yeah, yeah.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11And the tables have turned.
27:13APPLAUSE
27:14I'm sorry to have to do this, but, um, you're fired.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19Anyway, sorry, stereo, very good.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:22Um, Rob, your risky seven.
27:24Yeah, well...
27:25I know, well, first of all, I'm fucked up.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:28Because it was risky anyway, but it's even riskier now that I've included a third E.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:35What else is the risky seven?
27:36Oh, no.
27:37TeeTee's.
27:38What?
27:39TeeTee's?
27:40TeeTee's.
27:41TeeTee's.
27:42I've got a place as a backup for seven, if that's allowed.
27:43No, it's just Rob.
27:44No, OK.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:46Erm, TeeTee's not in, but Treetee's.
27:47Treetee's.
27:48TeeTee's.
27:49TeeTee's.
27:50TeeTee's.
27:51TeeTee's.
27:52TeeTee's.
27:53TeeTee's.
27:54TeeTee's.
27:55TeeTee's.
27:56TeeTee's.
27:57TeeTee's.
27:58TeeTee's.
27:59TeeTee's.
28:00TeeTee's.
28:01It did say TeeTee's.
28:02Oh, no.
28:03Oh, no.
28:04Oh.
28:05Oh.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07APPLAUSE
28:09Six points to Judy Lark.
28:11APPLAUSE
28:13Susie Spencer, could they have done any better?
28:15Toastier for eight.
28:16TeeTee's for eight.
28:17TeeTee's for eight.
28:18TeeTee's for eight.
28:19Right, now time for John and Catherine to go head-to-head.
28:22Catherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
28:24You've got to pick a big number.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:31Have two big ones and four small ones, please.
28:33You can.
28:34Because two plus four equals six.
28:35LAUGHTER
28:36Judy, write that down.
28:37It might come in handy later.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40Four little ones.
28:41We have ten, six, five, four, and then your big two.
28:4550 and 25.
28:46Can you tell me, help me, please?
28:47And the target, 223.
28:49I feel sick.
28:50OK, your time starts now.
28:52Now.
28:53Mmm!
28:55Uuu …
28:56TeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeTeeCee
28:57MUSIC PLAYS
29:24OK, so your target was 223.
29:27John, did you get it?
29:29224.
29:30A little bit disappointed. Catherine, did you get it?
29:33Oh, 224.
29:35But I was very pleased with that.
29:37You also got 224. OK, how did you get it?
29:39That's what I was going for.
29:4125 times 10.
29:4225 times 250.
29:445 times 4.
29:45Oh, you got it.
29:465 times 4, which is 20.
29:485 times 4, 20.
29:49Take away 20 from 250,
29:51and then 230 minus 6.
29:53Yeah, 224, 108.
29:55John, how would you have done it had you not been an idiot?
29:58If I hadn't recently been penetrated in the workplace.
30:00LAUGHTER
30:0350 times 4 is 200.
30:05200.
30:06Add 25.
30:07225.
30:08And then 10 over 5 is 2.
30:10Yeah, well done.
30:11APPLAUSE
30:14So, John, you didn't get it in time, so seven points for both teams.
30:17APPLAUSE
30:20Time now to go across the dictionary corner.
30:22Spencer, what have you got for us?
30:24Well...
30:26When I was younger, my nan and grandad had a...
30:30..a really, really aggressive parrot called Bobby.
30:34And Bobby was ringside for every single argument my nan and grandad ever had,
30:38and he learnt a lot of their swear words.
30:40So I'm going to show you Bobby right now.
30:42But firstly, I've got to put this here, like that.
30:45LAUGHTER
30:46Like that.
30:47Like that.
30:48Like that.
30:49Like that.
30:50You're going to work, Dad?
30:51Yeah, I'm going to work.
30:52LAUGHTER
30:53Like that.
30:54And so that's like that, yeah?
30:56And then grab that.
30:58Like that.
30:59Like that.
31:01Like that.
31:02Like that.
31:03Like that.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05takich
31:10icos
31:15Like that.
31:16But no one hears my system.
31:22tehdude
31:27I a pretty boy?
31:28I'm a pretty boy.
31:29Who's a pretty boy?
31:30I'm a pretty boy.
31:31Who's a pretty boy?
31:32I'm a pretty boy.
31:33They ask me all the time. They're always asking me
31:53Stop that you dirty bugger
31:57No, no, no, that's not my milk. That's my milk. No, you can't park there
32:04It's not my smell
32:06I did not fart
32:11Stop it Derek. I thought you'd get by now
32:19Spencer Jones everyone
32:23Teaser the words are our snob the clue is thank you my lady. That's our snob. Thank you my lady. See you after the break
32:33I
32:46Welcome back the answer to the teaser the words were our snob the clue was thank you my lady. It was of course
32:52Baroness
32:54Oh
32:59If you could do it when we can score some fucking points it might be helpful
33:03Now the keen-eyed viewer might have noticed that I've added an extra player
33:08It's because Rob and Katherine are lagging behind so I thought I'll give you an extra team member
33:13Please welcome everyone comedian John Totill
33:17Very good to have you John
33:19John Totill, it looks like if you asked AI to draw a picture of Henry VIII before he let himself go
33:25I think I look a bit like your long-lost son
33:29Oh my god
33:31You don't look like a family
33:33You don't look like a family
33:34Yeah, absolutely
33:35Hello darling
33:37What are you two?
33:38I don't know I feel like I'm being dragged into the gingers to be honest
33:41How old are you?
33:44I am almost Yorick
33:46I'm 28
33:47How old are you?
33:4828
33:49Almost his age
33:50Wow
33:52How old are you?
33:54Come on here Bob
33:5539 so actually from where I'm from old enough
33:57Yeah
33:58So John welcome to the show now you used to be a teacher is that right?
34:04Yes, that's right. Yeah. I used to work in a primary school
34:06I'm sadly worried that I've been brought on here to support the losing team
34:09But I was not a good teacher
34:11I was a really bad
34:12I was in the words of one of my own students a dog shit teacher
34:15I taught year four
34:19Do you think you're gonna help this team?
34:21No
34:22We need help
34:23I really can't
34:24I really can't
34:25I can't even count down
34:26Do you know what I mean?
34:27Counting up, you should see me counting up
34:28Fucking hell
34:29One, two, three
34:30I could go on
34:33You only practiced once a year at New Year's Eve, didn't you?
34:35Well no, I used to practice in wet play
34:37Wet play
34:38Horrible phrase, isn't it?
34:40Wet play
34:41If I'm honest
34:42If you're a woman over a certain age
34:44Wet play is a good word
34:48John, have you got a mascara?
34:49I do, yes, yes
34:51This is my clarinet
34:52Oh
34:53Now, there you go
34:54I don't make much sense as a person
34:56Unless you know that all I did for the first 18 years of my life
35:01I know, John
35:02Was practice clarinet
35:03Wow
35:04Now, I haven't come here to brag or anything
35:05But between you and me
35:06I am what you would call
35:08Seriously good at the clarinet
35:09Wow
35:10And you know that's true
35:11Because why would I lie about that?
35:12I'm not coming here going
35:14The thing is, guys, I'm really good in bed
35:16I'm nothing to write home about in bed whatsoever
35:18What I'm really good at is the clarinet
35:21You wouldn't lie about it with the clarinet in your hands
35:23You don't whip that out for wet play, dear
35:26Can we get a little sample of this?
35:31Of course you can
35:32Of course you can
35:45Do you know what I mean?
35:46Wow
35:47Yeah
35:48Yeah
35:49Oh
35:50Beautiful
35:51Beautiful
35:52Yeah
35:53It is a magazine
35:54Isn't it?
35:55Beautiful
35:56There's not a dry seat in the house
35:58We're going to fuck you up
36:01John Totill
36:02Look what those fingers can do with a clarinet
36:05Wait till he gets on a biro
36:07Okay, John Totill, your turn to pick the letters
36:11Oh great, okay
36:12Could I please have a vowel?
36:14Yes
36:15I don't know
36:16Could I have a consonant?
36:17M
36:18Another consonant, please
36:19D
36:20Vowel, please
36:21I feel so confident
36:22I feel really safe
36:23I
36:24Another vowel, please
36:26A
36:27Could I have a consonant, please
36:29T
36:30Another consonant
36:31N
36:32A consonant, please
36:34T
36:35And one last vowel, please
36:36And
36:37An E
36:38Can you do this and play the countdown theme on the clarinet at the same time?
36:41I'll give it a go
36:42I thought it was talking to me
36:43Absolutely
36:44Yeah
36:45Okay
36:46And your time starts
36:47A
36:48Two
36:49Three
36:50Four
36:51Now
36:52Oh my gosh
36:53Oh my gosh
36:54Oh my gosh
36:55It's really hard
36:56Can you stop?
36:57Don't stop
36:58Yeah
36:59Well done
37:00I've got seven
37:01John what have you got?
37:02I've got zero
37:03He's got nothing
37:04You've got nothing
37:05You were playing the clarinet
37:06I was playing the clarinet
37:07I've got an alibi
37:08Yeah
37:09Catherine you've got seven
37:10Judy
37:11How many?
37:12Danny, stop! Don't stop!
37:27I've got seven. John, what have you got?
37:29I've got zero. He's got nothing. You've got nothing, you're playing the counter.
37:32I've got an alibi. Yeah. Katherine, you've got? Seven.
37:35Judy? Seven. How many? Six, five, four, four, five.
37:39Five. I've got a name. Dante.
37:42Nice! Classy!
37:44Dante. OK, John, how many? Eight.
37:47We're all having fun over it. I think we've done well. You slide your eight in.
37:51What's your eight? I did that on the Pilates earlier.
37:55Katherine, what's your word? Tainted. Tainted. Oh, nice.
37:59Rob, you're seven. Tainted. Touch, movie, routine.
38:03Look at him!
38:06John, I love John, Richard. Lovely car, but when he's winning, this little weasel comes out.
38:12OK, John, what is your eight? What? Dominate.
38:16Oh. Oh!
38:18OK, so that's eight points to John.
38:21OK, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
38:23Not any better. We've got two other eights.
38:25Antidote and a word I've never heard before. Tomarteen.
38:28Tomarteen. Tomarteen. Yes, it's a compound in tomatoes.
38:31So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with 38 points.
38:36APPLAUSE
38:38OK, guys.
38:40Time once again to pass to Dictionary Corner.
38:43Spencer, what have you got for us?
38:45Um, well, currently I'm a bit skint.
38:47But eventually you get paid and you go from,
38:49well, I'm just going to have beige and toast tonight to this guy.
38:55Just been paid, didn't I?
38:58Put your money away, mate. I'll get these.
39:01Uh, 12 Zambucas, please, mate.
39:03Does anyone else want 12 Zambucas? They're all for me!
39:06A part of you've been skint.
39:07You've been having a little look online.
39:08You might have been having a look at a new laptop, Susie.
39:11Um, but that little voice in your head, once you start it,
39:13it starts to get louder and louder.
39:15Starts going, I'm going to buy a stair bladder.
39:19It's loose full.
39:22Heelys.
39:24In my size.
39:27So I bought that.
39:34And you know, like, everyone's got a rap song
39:36that they swear they know the words to,
39:38but they don't know the words.
39:40You know that song, they don't know the words,
39:42they just know how every word sounds.
39:43Happens in the car with me, the rap song will come and I'll go,
39:45"'Kids, I know this one from back in the day.'
39:47Don't know the words, just make up the words.
39:48Just like...
39:49It's like
39:51Here's your final teaser the words are
40:19Are Rob's poll the clue is try and keep a straight face. That's Rob's poll try and keep a straight face. See you after the break
40:40Welcome back the answer to the teaser the words were Rob's poll the clue was try and keep a straight face
40:44It was of course bloopers
40:46Okay, time for our final letters game John and Judy your turn to choose the letters go on King late
40:52Wow
40:54Daddy's got this
40:59Why are you brewing that Jimmy's Jimmy's getting his gloves up
41:09So he eats a sandwich fucking serial killer
41:11May I have a consonant, please Rachel may and and a vowel, please. Oh
41:24Got to look two words
41:28And we're gonna stick thank you
41:33Consonant please L and a vowel, please
41:36Please
41:37You and the consonant, please. Oh a vowel, please
41:43Eat on the consonant, please. Q. Okay. While you do that. I've got a patient to see a
41:49Consonant, please
41:51Okay
41:52Oh
41:54A consonant, please
41:56And a final G
41:58Oh dear
41:59Oh dear
42:00Oh dear
42:01Okay, next
42:05Oh you again
42:07With the dog breath, how's the missus?
42:09You can brush your little teeth ins
42:12Okay, your time starts now
42:18You okay? How are your canines?
42:20Such a good boy
42:21You want to brush?
42:23Brush, brush
42:24Oh, oh, oh
42:25It's nice, isn't it?
42:27Yeah, I tell you what you're doing
42:40Um
42:49Robbie is this your dog?
42:52Could you give me a smile there because it's quite a
42:59It's quite a resemblance
43:00Go on you go, you've got a mummy
43:05Katherine, John, Rob, how many?
43:07I've got a five. OK, John. I've got a three.
43:09I'll let you down. Sorry. A three?
43:11Gathering, how many? I got seven, Jimmy. OK.
43:14Judy, how many? Surprisingly, two.
43:18We've got a seven. Judy and I...
43:20Um, we've got a seven, yeah.
43:23Judy, what's your two?
43:25No.
43:27Um, John, what's your...?
43:30Noor. N-O-R.
43:32Noor. Noor. Noor.
43:34Yeah, Rob. Loner.
43:36Loner. Very good. John, your seven?
43:38I want to hear it. I want to hear it.
43:40Traditionally on the show, you go with the risky one first.
43:42OK, all right, let's go. But no, I don't give a shit,
43:44cos I'm just... Do you not give a shit or are you really annoyed?
43:47I'm here for shits and giggles, mate, and I've already had one.
43:49Can I have one?
43:50LAUGHTER
43:56Lounger. Catherine, is that your seven?
43:58Well, similar, I've got longer, but I don't...
44:02Oh, lovely. I think we need two use for that.
44:05So it's L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
44:07Seven points to John.
44:09APPLAUSE
44:11OK.
44:12APPLAUSE
44:14Uh, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:17No, Lounger was ours as well.
44:19Now, whenever we have the clarinet played on the show,
44:23we do something a little bit special.
44:24The traditional countdown is a 29-point conundrum.
44:27LAUGHTER
44:28I look forward to losing that.
44:29You're being patronised, Rob, and I wouldn't stand for it.
44:32Yeah. OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's 29-point...
44:37Where's the buzzer?
44:38..countdown conundrum. She doesn't know where the buzzer is.
44:41LAUGHTER
44:42Well, in fairness, Judy, we didn't give you a buzzer,
44:44cos we don't think you're going to need it.
44:46LAUGHTER
44:48OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial
44:51countdown conundrum. Your time starts...
44:53Go on, John.
44:54At least look.
44:56Oh.
44:57LAUGHTER
44:58Oh, you're joking.
44:59Oh, no.
45:00I haven't got it.
45:01Let's restart that.
45:03BELL RINGS
45:11BELL RINGS
45:12Origin.
45:13Oh!
45:14It's wrong.
45:15It's not a good sound.
45:16Absolutely wrong. Wrong.
45:17Oh!
45:18Jonathan!
45:19BELL RINGS
45:21Foreigner!
45:23I can't shout that anyway.
45:25LAUGHTER
45:30Is that right?
45:31Let's have a look and see if Judy Love has got the conundrum.
45:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:40So, the final scores are...
45:44Rob and Catherine and John have 17 points.
45:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:48John and Judy have 74.
45:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:58Judy, fucking sit down!
46:00Go on, Dad!
46:01Get up!
46:02LAUGHTER
46:03LAUGHTER
46:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:11Congratulations.
46:12You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
46:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:22Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:25and all of you for watching at home.
46:27That's it from us.
46:28Good night!
46:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:30Well, fencing geared down and football shirts on for the AFCON final,
46:40Senegal versus Morocco, live Sunday at half six on E4.
46:45Here next on Channel 4, are the secrets of their comedy genius
46:49finally revealed in Taskmaster Class?
46:51APPLAUSE
46:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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