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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carter!
00:06Now...
00:10Have we got a show for you?
00:12We've got...
00:30Is there more ghosts?
00:33I don't know why there wasn't a film.
00:35My accountant would like there to be.
00:37There should be a film.
00:38There should be a film.
00:39Just on an unrelated matter, Kael, I am an actor now as well.
00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do acting now as well.
00:45Right, so what sort of stuff do you want to...?
00:47I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
00:51Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
00:55Kael, I've recently retired from acting.
01:00All right, let's do this, everyone.
01:01Play in the queue with their music.
01:02Whatever we do.
01:03I don't know.
01:30Hello and welcome to edit of Ten Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:45Let's meet tonight's players.
01:46First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:53In 2025, John played Grouchy in the new Smurfs movie.
01:57Tell me, John, how did you research your role as a small, grumpy, troll-like creature with no friends?
02:04He's got friends, you've added that.
02:07Have you even seen my work?
02:09I literally saw it the first day it came out.
02:11What did you think?
02:12I thought it was amazing.
02:13Yeah, thanks.
02:16Do your grouchy voice.
02:17Go on.
02:20I have to get into character.
02:21OK.
02:22Don't even say it.
02:24Oh, it's good!
02:25Oh, good.
02:30And John's team mate, Roisin Conaty.
02:32Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths, so I think we finally solved the mystery as to why Woolworths went under.
02:43These are quite gentle.
02:44What are you going to do?
02:45Are you going to throw something at me?
02:46No, no, I'll be gentle.
02:48You are very bad at this game.
02:50Bad in a good way, though.
02:51Sort of the good, like, bad, like Michael Jackson bad.
02:54Forget I said Michael Jackson.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
03:03Yes!
03:08Rob's family used to call him Jaffa Cake because he had big nipples.
03:13Which begs the question, how big are these nipples?
03:18So, they've calmed down now, but there's a little bit of lump to them.
03:21But when I was going through puberty and your hormones were raging, they were big old puffy boys.
03:26Ooh.
03:27And they look like Jaffa Cates because the areolae is the chocolate flat bit.
03:33Then, on top of that, the orange filled chocolate bit was the nipply bit.
03:37Ugh!
03:39Can I, erm...
03:41Can I see you?
03:42Afterwards.
03:45Afterwards you can.
03:47Why?
03:48I'll come over and show you but not then.
03:50OK.
03:51Yeah.
03:52I'll go in.
03:53I'll have a look.
03:54I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing.
03:55I want to see.
03:56I want to see if everyone's out there alone.
03:57Oh, Jesus!
03:58Oh, sorry.
03:59Did you?
04:00Yeah.
04:01Oh, that is...
04:02That is not a normal.
04:03No, that's a normal...
04:04Oh, you sound like my mum.
04:05Yeah.
04:06I want to see all of your tits if we're getting in comparison.
04:07Jimmy.
04:08Yeah.
04:09Show me your tits.
04:10Oh, he's got a little drawn-on dot.
04:11Yeah.
04:12OK.
04:13And joining Rob tonight, it's Kyle Smith-Bino.
04:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:15That's fair.
04:16That's fair.
04:17That's fair.
04:18That's fair.
04:19That's fair.
04:20That's fair.
04:21That's fair.
04:22That's fair.
04:23That's fair.
04:24That's fair.
04:25That's fair.
04:26That's fair.
04:27That's fair.
04:28That's fair.
04:29I want to see all of your tits if we're getting in comparison.
04:31Jimmy.
04:32Show me your tits.
04:33Oh, he's got a little drawn-on dot.
04:34OK.
04:35And joining Rob tonight, it's Kyle Smith-Bino.
04:37If we'd known you were scared of small, annoying, flappy rat-like creatures,
04:40we wouldn't have sat anywhere near John.
04:42That's fair.
04:44Kyle, it's your first time on the show.
04:45Yes.
04:46Are you going to be aware of the letters or the numbers?
04:47Well, I'm not sure.
04:49But I am very good at remembering my postcode.
04:51And that's both.
04:52Ooh!
04:54I didn't talk!
04:57What is your postcode?
04:58What is my postcode?
05:02What's your mum's maiden name?
05:04OK, Roisin, do you enjoy going out in nature?
05:08I really enjoy nature, but nature's out to get me, it feels.
05:13I have been, no exaggeration, locked in Hampstead Heath three times.
05:19I thought this was open space.
05:20It's not open space.
05:21There's no gate on Hampstead Heath, is there?
05:23There is a gate on Hampstead Heath.
05:24I've been locked in there three times, John.
05:26Oh, right.
05:27It's starting to come across a bit like a Tory MP.
05:29Yeah.
05:30Twice in one year.
05:32I think the guy thought I was just trying to, like,
05:34get a bit of attention, like, in with his nips.
05:36Tell you what, me wandering around with these nips out on Hampstead Heath,
05:39we'll all get locked in.
05:41There is a bit of...
05:42There is some part of Hampstead Heath that is open
05:44for the people who do fruity stuff.
05:45It's like little...
05:46I don't think you do it...
05:47You find a bush.
05:49I don't think you find a bush.
05:50They're not into that.
05:51Well, they don't just do it...
05:52They don't just do it in the open ground.
05:54There's bush bits.
05:55Oh, I see the joke now, sorry.
05:59John, have you got a mascot?
06:01Yes, I have.
06:02Obviously, I've been vegan for a little while.
06:04Oh!
06:05And the problem is it's a very competitive...
06:08It's a very competitive environment.
06:09What?
06:10So you've got to find a way to be the most vegan.
06:13So I've elevated now to now protecting the stuff animal community.
06:17And I think the community I'm speaking about most here
06:20are the bin men and women of the UK
06:23who strap teddy bears to the front of their lorries
06:27against their will and drive them around in all weathers.
06:30You see them in winter.
06:31Little Elmo strapped to the front of a bin lorry,
06:35not able to move.
06:36So I thought, well, see how they like it.
06:39So my mascot tonight, please welcome my lucky bin man, Phil.
06:43APPLAUSE
06:50How long do I have to stay up here?
06:52I need a shit.
06:54I told you to have a shit before we started, didn't I, Phil?
06:56I did, but I need another one.
06:59I don't know what you're eating.
07:00Are you eating a lot of dairy?
07:01Yeah.
07:02Well, I think you might have an intolerance.
07:03Maybe.
07:04It does hurt when you eat a Magnum.
07:08Right.
07:11John, that poor cheese pizza could be back to haunt me.
07:14Right, let's back him out of here before he shits the studio out.
07:17That's Phil, everybody.
07:22Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag.
07:25It's mad, isn't it?
07:27There's a guy at limb service, he's now livid.
07:29Karl, have you got a mascot?
07:32I've got a mascot, yeah.
07:34I didn't want to go Route 1.
07:36I thought outside of the box.
07:38Can we get Aurora?
07:45Oh, this is good.
07:46Hey, girl.
07:50This is Aurora.
07:52And although it may look like I've never seen this bird before in my life,
07:55We actually went to drama school together.
07:58I'm not a great animal body language expert, but you don't seem the closest pair.
08:03OK, I'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist.
08:09I thought not.
08:13Maybe Aurora wants the snacks.
08:15Aurora, do you like snacks?
08:17Would you like a Jaffa cake?
08:18LAUGHTER
08:24Come on, Aurora, we've practiced this.
08:27Come on, Schnuffles.
08:29She fucking hates you.
08:32Well, you've embarrassed me.
08:34So, back to Jimmy's dressing room.
08:37Off you go.
08:39OK.
08:41Aurora.
08:43Roshan, have you got a mascot that doesn't hate you?
08:45I do actually have a mascot, Gemma Fee.
08:47What is your mascot?
08:48So, the thing that most relaxes me, that makes me feel very calm,
08:51And what I like to feel on this show, is my little doggy Harpo.
08:55She's a little Maltese.
08:56So, I thought, what relaxes Harpo?
08:58Let's go to the source of what creates all the relaxation.
09:01And Harpo recently got done, you know, when they have...
09:04They get done. What's it called?
09:05Snip.
09:06Snip, but a woman snip.
09:08Spade.
09:10Spade.
09:12Oh.
09:14Harpo recently got...
09:16Why does it know you were medical?
09:18She recently got spayed.
09:20And ever since then, ever since she got spayed,
09:23She's turned into a real sex fiend.
09:27Her first sort of victim was this.
09:30Piggy.
09:32Now, I don't know if you can see, she's absolutely destroyed Piggy.
09:34Now, it's a pig, so, listen, lots of people have had sex with pigs,
09:37It's absolutely fine.
09:38This is not the worst of it.
09:39No!
09:41No, it isn't fine to fuck pigs.
09:44Is it pigs that have got curly willies?
09:47Yeah.
09:48I call it the pork screw.
09:54My mum thinks I'm sex-shaming her by bringing this on the show.
09:57My mum is indulging it, and I walked in the other day,
09:59and my mum was letting this pig be used against her
10:02while the dog humped the pig.
10:03So, the dog, your mum and that pig had a three-way.
10:07No, my mum...
10:09Next, kitchen roll.
10:12She's gone up a gear, so it escalated pretty fast.
10:16That's all sex stuff.
10:19She's now gone absolutely feral and done my hiking boot.
10:23Oh, wow.
10:24So, these are all sex toys of a little Maltese dog,
10:30but they bring her a lot of joy and they really calm her down,
10:33so I brought them in as my mascot.
10:34Lovely.
10:38The worst bit is, I use that one for a pillow on the train.
10:41Oh!
10:43Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:44Absolutely, yes.
10:45Now, I've been taking health and safety in first aid quite seriously,
10:48and I've noticed, I've been here a few times,
10:50that there's no deflibrillator.
10:52What?
10:54There's no what?
10:56Deflibrillator.
10:58No.
11:00Deflibrillator.
11:02You are adding an extra...
11:04Deflibrillator.
11:06What am I saying wrong?
11:07You're putting an L in there.
11:08No L.
11:09No L.
11:10Look it up, Suze.
11:12How are we spelling it?
11:14Deflibrillator.
11:17Defibrillator.
11:18Defibrillator.
11:19Let's be honest,
11:20no-one's spelling it when they need it.
11:24So, let's not worry.
11:25Anyway, we ain't got one, whatever you want to call it.
11:27Right.
11:28So, I was looking one up, very expensive,
11:29so I've tried to design my own.
11:32Ooh!
11:33It's a cost-effective safety measure.
11:34Great idea.
11:35So, I've got one.
11:36Do you want to see it?
11:37Yeah.
11:38Bring it out, boys.
11:41There you go.
11:43Do you want me to show how it works?
11:45Yeah.
11:46I'm just praying this attaches to your nipples.
11:50So, this is how it would work.
11:55I hope you don't mind,
11:56I've got this from your dressing room, Jim.
11:59So, basically, you hook it up like this.
12:03There we go.
12:04And then, this is how it works.
12:07You need to be deflibrillated, yeah?
12:10Don't worry, I'm coming!
12:13What's the word you say?
12:14Clear.
12:15Clear!
12:16That's it.
12:17So, here we go.
12:18So, you put it on, and then...
12:19Clear!
12:23I think it's working.
12:24I think I've melted his Jaffa cake by the looks of it.
12:27Yeah, anyway, so this is mine.
12:28So, if anyone's struggling today, I can get you going again.
12:30Rob, back at everyone with these defibrillators.
12:36There you go.
12:37There must be a few defibs in here.
12:39Because regular countdown, you've got to lose one a week, haven't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:43Is this a show other than this, then?
12:45It's a proper one where they get more than three-letter words.
12:47LAUGHTER
12:48She's coming and fighting!
12:49She's coming and fighting!
12:50Oh, yeah.
12:51OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Lou Wall.
12:52Hi.
12:54Lou is six foot four.
12:55To put that into perspective, that's about 12 John Richardsons.
12:59Lou, tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:01Hello, I'm Lou.
13:02I'm from Australia, but I've, like, just moved to the UK.
13:04I like it here, it rules.
13:05But there's some cultural differences.
13:06Like, you guys call a toilet a loo.
13:07That's...
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09But I find it, like, quite accurate, because I am, like, a toilet, like, white and full of
13:11fucking shit.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
13:14Are you better with the letters or the numbers?
13:15What's your thing?
13:16I like letters, I like literacy, but, like, if I am bad at it, it's like, hereditary.
13:17Um, recently I got this text from my mum.
13:18Dad have died.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20So I buy it.
13:21It's like, well, I buy it.
13:22It's like, well, it's like, well, it rules, but there's some cultural differences.
13:23Like, you guys call a toilet a loo.
13:24That's...
13:25LAUGHTER
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27But I find it, like, quite accurate, because I am, like, a toilet, like, white and full of
13:28fucking shit.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
13:31Are you better with the letters or the numbers?
13:33What's your thing?
13:34I like letters, I like literacy, but, like, if I am bad at it, it's like, because it's,
13:38like, hereditary.
13:39Um, recently I got this text from my mum.
13:42Dad have died.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45Followed by, Dad heb died.
13:48Sorry.
13:49Dad's herbs died.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:52And then, uh, she just finished it off with this stunning text.
13:55Fucking autocarrot.
13:57LAUGHTER
14:02And with me, of course, it's CG Denny.
14:04APPLAUSE
14:10Susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel.
14:13And that sentence also works if you remove the word, novel.
14:16LAUGHTER
14:19Uh, Susie, what have you been looking into recently?
14:22I have been looking into teen slang.
14:25Teen slang?
14:26Yeah.
14:27This six-seven thing, which is everywhere, that people are fascinated by.
14:30You've had six-seven?
14:32Six-seven?
14:33Six-seven.
14:34Yes.
14:35No-one knows what it means, including the kids.
14:37The derivation is, um, either a rap song or, uh, something to do with a basketball's height,
14:44I think.
14:45But, yeah, so six-seven, so it's like, you know, how tall are you?
14:48Six-seven?
14:49Did you say six-seven instead of six-four?
14:50Uh, what time is it?
14:51Six-seven?
14:52Uh, you're probably about six-seven, Jimmy.
14:54On the slack, yeah.
14:55LAUGHTER
14:56Um, so, anyway, I find this completely fascinating, because not even the kids know what it means.
15:01They lose break time at my daughter's school now if they say six-seven.
15:05Ooh!
15:06They lose break time.
15:07It's got that...
15:08It's that endemic.
15:09Six-seven.
15:10The teacher's terrified during maths, like, if I ask a question...
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13And they've started playing Countdown in my daughter's school.
15:15She said to me the other week, we've started playing this game where there's, like,
15:18numbers and letters.
15:19I never felt more, but I thought she'd be so excited when I went,
15:22you know that's what I do for a living.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:24And she went, do you?
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26I thought you were the co-kid from Waterloo Road!
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30APPLAUSE
15:31And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
15:36APPLAUSE
15:37Do you have a favourite number?
15:42I quite like it. Have you heard of the golden ratio?
15:45Basically, it's this number that appears in nature in loads of different places.
15:48So, in seashells it appears, in flowers.
15:52And it's an irrational number, so it's written as phi, the Greek letter phi.
15:57And it also appears in beautiful faces, the golden ratio, kind of, the width to the height.
16:02So, what I think happened was when you went to your plastic surgeon,
16:06he got confused between phi face and pi face.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:13So, when you go back, you should ask for the golden ratio next time,
16:17rather than...that.
16:19LAUGHTER
16:21APPLAUSE
16:24OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
16:27The Countdown Camouflage Kit.
16:30Ooh!
16:31APPLAUSE
16:38A little bit of TV magic for you.
16:40Boys, show them where you are.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:47OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
16:49Time for the first game.
16:50John, Roisin, you get the first turn to pick the letters.
16:52Roisin, would you like to pick the letters?
16:54Yes, please.
16:55Oh.
16:57That's backfired.
16:58Rachel, may I have th...
17:01Four...
17:02Oh.
17:03A consonant.
17:04S.
17:05What's your problem with the way she's picking it?
17:07Well, just...
17:08If you don't give a shit, say no.
17:09I give a shit!
17:10Why don't you just put nine letters up there?
17:12No.
17:13No.
17:14You think, because I don't cry, because I'm not good at it, I don't care.
17:16I'm hiding my sadness.
17:17OK.
17:18Does that make you feel better?
17:19No.
17:20Another...another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:23W?
17:24I felt really real like a married couple arguing that.
17:26I'm hiding my sadness.
17:27Look, we're out for the kids.
17:28Just eat the Peter Express and try and have a good day.
17:31We're neighbours.
17:32He's an absolute nightmare neighbour.
17:34Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:35N.
17:36Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
17:38Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
17:43Oh, my God!
17:44He's his cardigan wearer.
17:45He's not.
17:46He's absolute filth.
17:47Another consonant.
17:49P.
17:51And a vowel, please, Rachel.
17:53E.
17:54And another vowel, please, Rachel.
17:56O.
17:57And another vowel.
17:59A.
18:00Last two are yours.
18:01One of each, please, Rachel.
18:02One of each.
18:03Just get them out there, I don't really care.
18:04A U and an L.
18:07I've gone right off the Countdown music.
18:09I'm going to step it up.
18:11Boys, please.
18:18For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
18:21Your time starts now.
18:23No.
18:24No.
18:25No.
18:26No.
18:27No.
18:28No.
18:29No.
18:30No.
18:31No.
18:32No.
18:33No.
18:34No.
18:35No.
18:36No.
18:37No.
18:38No.
18:39No.
18:40No.
18:41No.
18:42No.
18:43No.
18:44No.
18:45No.
18:46No.
18:47No.
18:48No.
18:49No.
18:50No.
18:51WHAT THEY HAD
18:53HE HAD
18:55HE HAD
18:57HE HAD
18:59HE HAD
19:01APPLAUSE
19:07Sean, Rob, do you fancy having a go on the tongue choir?
19:10Define having a go on.
19:12Singing or receiving.
19:15Just a quick demo of the tongue action there.
19:19There's no noise coming out of that.
19:31Hang on, I'm going to the other end. This guy. Look at this.
19:39It's like a forearm. There's no sound at all there.
19:44Come closer, Gladys.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:49What is this show?
19:51The Countdown Tongue Choir, everyone. Thank you, gentlemen. Thank you.
19:59Jon Hammond Etters.
20:01Seven. Seven.
20:03Roisin? Six.
20:05Rob? Five.
20:06Kyle? Seven.
20:08Ooh! He came to play.
20:11Oh, yeah, for real.
20:13Rob, your five? Leaps.
20:15Machine, your six?
20:16Planes.
20:17Jon, your seven?
20:18Weapons.
20:20Ooh!
20:21Kyle, your seven?
20:22Weapons.
20:23OK, seven points to both teams.
20:24APPLAUSE
20:28I'm excited about it. You guys are in trouble.
20:30He's not fucking about me.
20:32Five, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
20:35He's got eleven options.
20:37In the same time, I got leaps.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:42Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
20:44Just another seven from us.
20:45What was the other seven?
20:46APALUNE.
20:47It's a beautiful word.
20:48It's the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit
20:50is furthest from the moon,
20:52and it's the opposite of the PERILUNE.
20:54OK, on to our first numbers round.
20:56Rob, Kyle, your turn to pick the numbers.
20:58Two big ones, all the rest are little ones, please, Rachel.
21:00Coming up.
21:0110 and 10.
21:02That's 20 already.
21:03One, three, 75 and 50.
21:06Don't give it away.
21:07And the target, 847.
21:09OK, and your time starts now.
21:37OK, so the target was 847.
21:43Roisin, did you get it?
21:45I did.
21:46No good.
21:47Do you want it?
21:48Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec.
21:49It won't be there in a minute.
21:51John, did you get it?
21:53I think I got 848.
21:55Rob, did you get it?
21:56I got 800.
21:58Kyle, did you get it?
21:59No.
22:00I got 840.
22:01Roisin, how did you do it?
22:02So I did...
22:0410 times 75.
22:07Oh, no, er, er, yeah, 7...
22:09Er...
22:10Mmm...
22:12750.
22:13I've got it wrong, cos I've got it down as 800.
22:16But add a 10 on to the 75.
22:18Oh, my God, Jimmy's got one.
22:20Well, you get 850 and then there's a 3 there.
22:23I mean...
22:24Oh, wow.
22:25Yeah.
22:26Seasiest one we've had in...
22:27I didn't get it.
22:28I'm so sure I had it.
22:29That's not allowed, is it?
22:3110 points to me.
22:33Were you good at maths at college, at school?
22:36No.
22:37Do you know how long you pause sometimes?
22:39It's like you've just turned off.
22:41LAUGHTER
22:43You just bring it up with your manufacturer.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:48John, how did you get what you got?
22:5075...
22:52...times 10 plus 1.
22:54Plus 1, 85.
22:56And then somewhere else, 10...
22:5810...
22:5910 times 3.
23:01What are you doing?
23:02This is not your style.
23:03It's all right, I don't know.
23:04It's gone.
23:05Roisin got it wrong.
23:06John's nothing written down.
23:07We've got 840.
23:08Kyle, off you go.
23:09LAUGHTER
23:1075 times 10.
23:111 plus 3 is 4 times 10.
23:14Times the other 10, 40.
23:16Add those together.
23:17790 plus 50.
23:18Yep.
23:19Seven away.
23:20APPLAUSE
23:21OK.
23:22Five points to Kyle.
23:23So, John and Roisin are on seven points.
23:26Rob and Kyle are in the lead with 12.
23:28APPLAUSE
23:30And here is your teaser.
23:33The words are, send tits, the clue is, open wide.
23:36That's send tits, open wide.
23:38See you after the break.
23:39APPLAUSE
23:41Welcome back.
23:42The answer to the teaser, the words were, send tits, the clue was, open wide.
23:58It was, of course, dentists.
24:00So, Rob and Kyle are in the lead.
24:03They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Rob and Roisin.
24:07Hmm.
24:08So, Rob, your turn to choose.
24:09Do you know what?
24:10I think it's good that John has a little break from this, because I think his head's completely gone.
24:13I agree.
24:14He's not happy.
24:15Kyle's turned up.
24:16And not only is he better than John at spelling and countdown, he also is cool.
24:20He's not just cool, Rob.
24:22He's in a cardigan.
24:23Well, yeah.
24:24He turned up in his outfit, but in a cool one.
24:26So, I think it's good you have a little break, because you don't seem yourself.
24:30I don't want to be myself.
24:32I'm going to be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this round.
24:35I don't think he makes some noises with his mouth.
24:42Well, he's done you again.
24:46Pick some letters.
24:48OK, cool.
24:49Please, can I have...
24:50You pick.
24:52You're in charge, Rach.
24:54R.
24:56E.
24:58T.
25:00There we go.
25:01I.
25:02M.
25:03A.
25:04S.
25:05This is a great one.
25:07E.
25:08And the last one.
25:09T.
25:10And your time starts...
25:12...now.
25:13OK.
25:14Come on.
25:15OK.
25:16Come on.
25:17OK.
25:18Come on.
25:19John, could you give me a hand with this?
25:20Yeah.
25:21TAKE SOMETHING
25:31TAKE SOMETHING
25:32TAKE SOMETHING
25:35TAKE SOMETHING
25:36Oh
25:46Tap it around the back, mate
25:49Yeah
25:51Does anyone want a beer? I'll have a go. Okay. What a lovely. Oh
25:56Is that
25:58Normal flow for you
26:06Salty than you think the stone sink to the bottom
26:17Anyone else want a beer you need to get a manufacturer to sort your robot knees out mate
26:33You want to try some
26:36Oh
26:38John
26:50Let's bring out the beers. Yeah, oh wow, Roisin's on a head dude. Is there any more?
26:55Just worth letting everyone know I had asparagus for lunch
26:58Thanks, John
27:00Thank you
27:04Oh Roisin, how many?
27:06I mean, I'm sort of nervous
27:08Okay, I've got nine
27:10Wow
27:12This is a big deal
27:14This is a big deal
27:16Okay
27:17Have I not got nine?
27:18You've got a really good eight
27:20Why?
27:22There isn't, there is
27:23Yeah, but only the one of them
27:26Oh, John
27:28I see
27:30He can't even let his own teammate do well
27:32You're a disgrace
27:34You couldn't even let her have a moment
27:36He did though, he sort of saved me
27:38Do you want Roisin to score eight or not score nine?
27:40Rob, how many have you got?
27:42Okay, what is your seven?
27:44Matters
27:45Roisin, your eight
27:46Mistreat
27:47Oh
27:48I thought it was mistreats
27:49Got very excited
27:51I'm going to give you the eight
27:52I think the eight's very good
27:53Yeah
27:54Yeah
27:57Lou, Susie
27:58Could they have done any better?
27:59We had a couple of eights
28:00We had Stemia
28:01Emirates
28:02Emirates?
28:03Not as in the Arsenal ground
28:04But as in the
28:05The province of an Emir
28:07Okay, so at the end of that
28:08Rob and Kyle have 12 points
28:10John Roisin have 15
28:12APPLAUSE
28:14An eight
28:15An eight
28:16An eight
28:17I'm really shy
28:18Really good
28:19To be fair, you needed that
28:20Because John's going up against Kyle now
28:23I have faith in my team mate
28:25He's shown consistency
28:27He's not a braggadocious player
28:29And will take us to the final
28:31Do you know what?
28:32It's all the same about mine
28:33But I'm not having to fluff him up
28:34Because his head's gone
28:37You've been fluffing all night
28:38It's down there rock hard
28:39It's very rare on this show
28:41That team mates refer to each other as rock hard
28:46Can I just say
28:47No
28:48I'm absolutely fine
28:49And if Kyle does well
28:50That benefits the show
28:55Hello Rachel
28:56Hi John
28:57Six small please
28:58Six
29:00Do you like the numbers John?
29:01Confident with six months
29:02I don't mind the numbers
29:03I don't mind the numbers
29:04I don't mind the letters
29:05I just appreciate good friends
29:06Having a good time
29:07Well isn't it?
29:08Often a tricky selection
29:09We've got five
29:10Seven
29:11Four
29:12Three
29:13Ten
29:14And nine
29:15And the target
29:16185
29:18And your time starts now
29:2020 years
29:21Time starts now
29:2630
29:27Now
29:3030
29:35AUTONES
29:3730
29:38arus
29:4040
29:40Not
29:4120
29:42They were
29:4320
29:4330
29:4430
29:4560
29:46SMUG MUCH
29:52Smug much, John?
29:54How's your boy doing?
29:57Flaccid now.
30:00Gail, did you get it? 184.
30:02OK, John, did you get it?
30:04I think I've got it, yeah.
30:06How did you get it? 10 plus 9.
30:08No, no, less smug.
30:1010 plus 9.
30:1219. 19 times 7 plus 3.
30:16190.
30:18Take away that little thing.
30:20Can have you a lap of honour.
30:2210 points.
30:26How do you feel about it, Kyle?
30:28How do you feel about that?
30:30I would have liked to have won that one, actually, yeah.
30:32Yeah. Isn't it?
30:34It's weird, because I believed him when he said it.
30:36Well, he's a good actor.
30:38Well, he's not in Waterloo Road.
30:41No, he's not.
30:43Is that a compliment?
30:45Not a little blue smurf, is he?
30:50I've got four lines and three of them were...
30:52OK, so Rob and Kyle have 12 points.
30:57John and Roisin have 25.
31:00APPLAUSE
31:02OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
31:06Lou, what have you got for us?
31:08OK, so I had a really shitty old bed frame.
31:10And so I put it on an online marketplace for free.
31:14And this is that story.
31:16I have turned it into a musical.
31:19You're welcome.
31:20And for context, all you need to know
31:23is that the bed frame is up there for free.
31:26This is how it began.
31:28Is the bed frame still available?
31:32Yes, it is.
31:33Gay emoji.
31:35Can I please negotiate the price?
31:38No.
31:39Why?
31:40It's free.
31:41You're on a hard bargain, Lucia.
31:44But that's just not the way.
31:46Marketplace working.
31:48I was like, alright, how about half price?
31:50Just for you, Eileen.
31:51How much now?
31:52Still free.
31:53Dance, dance, dance.
31:55You are the best.
31:57Potty, potty.
31:58Here's my address.
32:00Wow, that's a long, long way from my house now.
32:03How about a small discount?
32:06I said, Eileen, I can't be clearer.
32:08It's free to pick up.
32:10Could you drive it to me, please?
32:12What the fuck?
32:13Please, no.
32:14Please, no.
32:15Please, no.
32:16Please, no.
32:17I don't own a car.
32:18Why didn't?
32:19You say so.
32:20I can drive.
32:21See you tomorrow.
32:22Fine.
32:24So at this point, like, I go to bed.
32:26I'm like, I'll deal with this bitch in the morning.
32:28And then very early the next morning, I receive this text.
32:32Lucia, I'm out the front.
32:35Sent at 5am.
32:38I said, see you at 5.
32:41Please come out and let me in.
32:44I should have known not to trust you.
32:46Axe.
32:47Pickaxe.
32:48Fire.
32:49I should have known you didn't care.
32:50Fire.
32:51I show up on time.
32:52Are you dead?
32:54Please.
32:56Where is bed?
33:00How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am?
33:03Knock, knock, knock.
33:04I'm like, let me in.
33:06No.
33:07It's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame.
33:09What time then?
33:10I'm like, could you come back at 8?
33:12But I'm outside.
33:13Yeah, my housemates are sleeping.
33:15Should I just not?
33:16This is getting creepy.
33:18I go back to sleep.
33:19I wake up at 8.
33:20Is she there?
33:21No.
33:2212 hours later though.
33:23Who she is again?
33:24Lucia, I'm here again.
33:25It's 8pm.
33:26Yes, where is the bed?
33:28Is the concept of time too hard for you to comprehend.
33:31You're 12 hours late, Eileen.
33:33I can't get you the bed.
33:35Like, I'm at work right now.
33:36Okay, like I'm not even home.
33:38But I came all the way back for it.
33:40Yeah.
33:41I know.
33:42No.
33:43Please.
33:44Heartbreak emoji.
33:45Pumpkin emoji.
33:46Sorry, typo.
33:47Seriously, please.
33:48Whatever, man.
33:49Oh my God, that lady's back.
33:50What can you help her get the bed shot?
33:52Okay.
33:53My housemate is home.
33:54Knock on the door.
33:55Ask for Tim.
33:56402.
33:57No, 403.
33:58Knock, knock, knock.
33:59It's 403.
34:00Knock, knock, knock.
34:01Anyone in?
34:02Angry dolphin pile of shit.
34:03This is not what I expected.
34:04I'm taking off the bedding and the pillow and the mattress.
34:05What?
34:06There is no bedding.
34:07Just talk to Tim.
34:08He'll show you what to take.
34:09Is this free?
34:10Picture of a pillow.
34:11That's not my pillow.
34:12Taking pillow.
34:13Where'd you get the pillow?
34:14Where the fuck are you?
34:15Is Eileen there?
34:16No.
34:17Shit.
34:18Fuck.
34:19Oh my God.
34:20It's perfect.
34:21Five stars.
34:22Miss call, miss call, miss call, miss call, miss call, miss call, miss call.
34:25Cannot talk driving with bed.
34:26I said, Eileen, can you please pick up?
34:28Yay.
34:29I don't think you took my bed.
34:30Tim said, you never picked it up.
34:31Thank you for the bed, Lucia.
34:33Miss call.
34:34Eileen 5R.
34:35A message from my neighbour.
34:36We've just been robbed.
34:37And then she's been taken.
34:38Lock your doors.
34:40Eileen, you stole my neighbour's bed.
34:44My bed's still here.
34:45You took the wrong bed from the wrong house.
34:48I did no such thing.
34:49Then she blocks me.
34:50I said, Eileen, place.
34:51Where is bed?
34:53APPLAUSE
34:54You've had contact with the person that's going to murder you.
34:59I mean, 100%.
35:00Yeah, and that bed frame's still very much available.
35:01How much do you want for it?
35:02And here is your teaser.
35:03The words are penis hat.
35:04The clue is, don't be so dramatic.
35:05That's penis hat.
35:06Don't be so dramatic.
35:07See you after the break.
35:08APPLAUSE
35:09Welcome back.
35:10The answer to the teaser.
35:11The answer to the teaser.
35:12The words were penis hat.
35:13The clue was, don't be so dramatic.
35:14It was, of course, thespian.
35:15Rob and Kyle.
35:46You've got two points behind.
35:47Yeah.
35:48So, we thought we would give you a little bit of extra help in the form of the award-winning
35:53comedian, winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award, Sam Nickaresti.
35:56Welcome back.
35:57Nice to be here.
35:58Sorry I'm late.
35:59I was backstage hanging out with the friendliest parrot in the world.
36:11OK, so you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, which is very impressive, but we're all winners
36:15here.
36:16Everyone's a leader in their field.
36:17We've got Britain's smallest man.
36:19TV's most chatty horse.
36:22And the world's most pointless mathematician.
36:24I don't know which one of us is the horse.
36:27There's three in the running.
36:34Now, have you brought a mascot?
36:36Do you know, I have brought a mascot, actually, Jimmy.
36:38Let me get it up.
36:39Here we go.
36:40How about this?
36:41Ooh.
36:42Yeah, I bought this from home.
36:43What do you reckon?
36:45Ah, nice.
36:46Have you seen this?
36:47Have you seen one of those before?
36:48Ooh.
36:49Wow.
36:50Yeah?
36:51You like that?
36:52Yeah.
36:53I've got an affinity with trains, because much like my hero, the Siberian Railway, I am
36:57also trans.
36:58So...
36:59Just to explain, that's why I'm dressed like the ghosts of liberal future come to haunt
37:11your problematic nan at Christmas.
37:12That's the look.
37:13I don't know if anyone else here is really worried, but very hard.
37:16Very hard being trans.
37:17When I came out, I came out to my girlfriend a couple years ago, and she was really good
37:21with it, but, like, you have to be honest, it's not really clear how you come out to your
37:25girlfriend about being trans.
37:27Like, what do you do?
37:28Sit down and say, honey, huge news, you're gay.
37:31That's...
37:32I mean, we're in trouble.
37:35I was tuning into the news the other day, and they were saying, ah, trans women, they
37:40better stay away from sports.
37:42What?
37:43My pleasure.
37:44What the hell?
37:45How...
37:46For me, that's the entire point.
37:48Do you know, like, I would have transitioned into secondary school if I knew it came with
37:52a sick note.
37:53That's insane.
37:54Big fan.
37:55But yes, my pronouns are she, they, but that's neither her nor their.
38:00And I...
38:01APPLAUSE
38:03OK.
38:04John, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
38:09Hello, Rogel.
38:10Hi, John.
38:11Could we have a consonant, please?
38:13LAUGHTER
38:14Yes, boss.
38:15R.
38:16And another one, please.
38:18Oh, he's cheered up now he's won the maths.
38:20Jeez.
38:21Well, he's done the maths, but I still don't think he can do Kyle at spelling.
38:24We're going to see that play out, and I'm quite excited.
38:26A vowel, please.
38:28O.
38:29A consonant, please.
38:32And I think Sam's going to be really good as well, so you really have to try hard.
38:36A vowel, please.
38:38E.
38:39Another vowel, please, Rachel.
38:42I.
38:43And another consonant, then.
38:45C.
38:46Yeah, that's nice.
38:48Kick your vibes up.
38:49And, oh, love a consonant, please, in this game I love with my friends.
38:54N.
38:56And then...
38:57And then...
38:58Another consonant, please, old friend.
39:01And my old mate.
39:03Aw!
39:04OK, all right, your time starts now.
39:06On Sean!
39:07On Sean now!
39:09He could hear!
39:11No.
39:13Yeah, on Sean!
39:14He could hear!
39:16MUSIC
39:37Rob, how many you got? I've got five.
39:39You've got five. Kyle, how many?
39:41Seven. Seven, OK. Roisin?
39:44Five. OK. Sam, how many?
39:48I think I might have a nine.
39:50I think. John? I also have a nine.
39:53Oh! What is your five?
39:56My five is rinse. Rinse.
40:00Rob, your five? Gonna.
40:03Gonna. They're a goner.
40:05That is a word. Rinse, unfortunately, it has an S, not a C.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:11Roisin's a goner.
40:14She's a goner. What's your seven?
40:16Cringer. Cringer.
40:18Ooh.
40:19Oh. No.
40:20Er, yes.
40:21Oh!
40:22Oh!
40:27Do you know what that looked like, Susie?
40:29That looked like the money hadn't hit your account yet.
40:35No. Oh, it has, actually, yeah.
40:37Yeah.
40:39OK, so, John, Sam, I'd like you to say your nine-letter word
40:42on the count of three.
40:43All right, you ready?
40:44One, two, three.
40:45Cornering.
40:46Cornering.
40:47Wow.
40:4818 points for both things.
40:53OK, here is your final teaser.
40:55The words are scene fart, the clue is seal that up.
40:58That's scene fart, seal that up.
41:00See you after the break.
41:17Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.
41:18The words were scene fart, the clue was seal that up.
41:21It was, of course, fastener.
41:23Ooh.
41:24OK, time for our final letters game.
41:26Sam, your turn to choose.
41:27Oh, my.
41:28OK.
41:29Erm, please, may I have a consonant?
41:31You may, indeed.
41:32And...
41:33T.
41:34Oh, yes.
41:35And then two vowels.
41:37A, U.
41:39Consonant, please.
41:41D.
41:42OK.
41:43I think a vowel.
41:45Good choice.
41:46I.
41:48Erm, well, now the pressure's on to make a good choice.
41:50Again, consonant, right?
41:51S.
41:52No.
41:53I'm not happy with that at all, no.
41:54Erm, consonant.
41:58M.
41:59A vowel.
42:00I've got another A.
42:01Er, and then a consonant.
42:02And the last one.
42:04R.
42:05Cool.
42:06I might have a crack on this because I find the game boring.
42:08OK, your time starts...
42:12Now.
42:20Not all about like this.
42:22I've got a poop.
42:23I just want to work.
42:25Finally, I have a work with a new gram.
42:26I think it's very hard to work.
42:27And you can run as well.
42:28I'm sorry if I have a joke.
42:29I'm not then.
42:30I'm sorry.
42:31I'm not, I'm sorry.
42:32I'm sorry.
42:33I'm not.
42:34I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
42:35I'm sorry.
42:36I'm sorry.
42:37I'm sorry.
42:38I'm sorry.
42:39I'm sorry.
42:40I was not.
42:41LAUGHTER
42:59Rob, how many? Six.
43:02Kyle? Seven. Sam? Six.
43:05Roisin? Five.
43:08OK. John? Seven.
43:12Oh! Kyle!
43:16Roisin, you're five. Mittal. What, sorry?
43:20Mittal? How are you spelling that incorrectly?
43:24How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
43:28My...my...my towel? Yeah.
43:32Oh, yeah. That's the one. So, you wrote a U and you couldn't be asked to finish it so it was an L?
43:37It's not, it's just a sort of half-finish.
43:39Look, the word was causing me the most, so I gave up at the end.
43:41I thought, this isn't a word, so I bailed out on the U.
43:44But now, it seems like it is a word. Am I right? Check your account.
43:51It's not in yet. Rob, you're six.
43:53Rudest. Rudest. Yeah.
43:56Yeah, that feels more on problem. How are you spelling rudest?
43:59Er, nudist with an R. R.
44:01Oh, OK, she don't look happy.
44:03I can't believe this is in.
44:05Oh, well, tell you what, shove it.
44:07Because it is in.
44:09Do you know what it means?
44:11Absolutely not, no.
44:12It's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusk.
44:15Absolutely.
44:16I just thought it was someone that was the rudest.
44:20I was going to go for audits, but I didn't want to panic Jimmy.
44:27Sam, you're six.
44:28Autism.
44:29What's your seven?
44:30Stadium.
44:31John, you're seven.
44:32I've got mustard.
44:33What's the other word?
44:34Marauds.
44:35Oh, you should have gone with that one.
44:37But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that, so I chickened out.
44:39Oh, right.
44:40It's never stopped Roisin.
44:43OK, seven points to both teams.
44:49OK, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:51More sevens.
44:52More sevens.
44:53We have Marauds and Traumas and Samurai.
44:55Ooh, Samurai would have been good.
44:57These are absolutely birds.
44:59OK, so Rob, Kyle and Sam have 37 points.
45:02John and Roisin have 50.
45:04Oh.
45:05OK, fingers on buzzers.
45:09Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
45:11Your time starts now.
45:35Oh.
45:36Sam.
45:37Er, is it staunched?
45:41Is that even a word?
45:43Let's see if Sam is right.
45:44APPLAUSE
45:54So, the final scores are Rob and Kyle and Sam have 47 points,
45:58but our winners, John and Roisin, are with 50.
46:01Congratulations.
46:02You are now the proud owner of this.
46:04The Countdown Camouflage Kit.
46:10Thanks to all our panelist, our wonderful studio audience,
46:12and to all of you for watching at home.
46:14That's it from us.
46:15Goodnight!
46:16I'm sorry.
46:17Alright.
46:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:28do you have a good turnout?
46:29Who are you?
46:30It's so sweet.
46:31We're all the good.
46:32you do have a good turnout.
46:33You do have a good turnout.
46:34You do have an incredible turnout.
46:35You do have an incredible turnout.
46:36We should go go to the Nice Place.
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