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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. Judy Kerr!
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:14So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40All right, let's roll the titles.
01:00MUSIC PLAYS
01:15Hello and welcome to editor of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:30John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:35and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:51sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:53I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:57My poor girls, everyone's always coming for my girls.
01:59Girls? Your girls?
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:07Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he'd pay good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:22LAUGHTER
02:23I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:29LAUGHTER
02:31Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:33You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:44Yeah, I do want to see you naked. I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:48Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:53You should do this.
02:54Yeah.
02:55No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Yeah.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Jimmy.
03:01Jimmy.
03:02Oh, no, if you were all...
03:03Oh, if you were all after this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:07I think it would be too much.
03:08I still...
03:09I don't think it would be too much.
03:10I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight is Myles Jump.
03:15Yes!
03:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:20Miles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jump.
03:35Gosh, well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen,
03:39fix myself a quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:45Then it's breakfast, where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Then it's eleventies.
03:55Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Maybe going to town, do some shopping.
03:59Butchers, veg shop.
04:01Come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:04To set me up for lunch.
04:05Then I watch Loose Women.
04:08I save the gravy for then, and then that's...
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12Wow.
04:13That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that, erm...
04:15LAUGHTER
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah, my pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:24John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel for a day,
04:29who would you pick?
04:30God, I'd take any of you.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:36Genuinely, I'd have you for a day, I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:42I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:46It's all replaceable.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48I'd like to be Rachel, cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:52but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:57I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:01Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:11Just to know what it's, what it's, how quickly the gap eradicates
05:16between the thought and the speech.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:24Judy, you, do you get, you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What, what sets you off?
05:28You know what it is, when people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:32When people, like, when people go, oh, how are you so confident?
05:34I'm like, what, because I've got a food bar and I haven't seen my family for years?
05:37Like, they find it's really...
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41What?
05:42They only say it to big girls.
05:44What did you call it?
05:45A food bar, a food bar.
05:47It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:49It's a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:51Yeah, then backhand compliments, get on my flippin' nerves.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er, had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05OK, Miles, have you, have you got a mascot?
06:10Er, I have actually, yes.
06:11So, erm, I was sent a book to have a look at, and er, not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a, for the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book.
06:20It's called Jimmy Carr's bumper book of facts about eggs.
06:25Oh, yes.
06:26Yes.
06:27You must know, your agent sent it to me very kindly,
06:29and really, just about another set of eyes,
06:31give a bit of feedback.
06:33Erm, I'll put most of it in an email, but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Er, chapter one.
06:40Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:44They always go straight through me.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47But it means I get another chance to see my golden toilet.
06:50Erm...
06:51Er, only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands of a waiting servant.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:58I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00Erm...
07:01Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er, oh, here we go.
07:04I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end,
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er, some animals that you may be surprised to hear
07:10actually hatch from eggs.
07:12So this is...
07:13Strange chapter.
07:14Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:19Erm...
07:20Cows.
07:21I just don't think it's right.
07:22No.
07:23Er, minor royals, it says here.
07:25Erm...
07:26Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er, you've written Winnipeg.
07:31That's it, it's only got one G for a start.
07:34And then it says, the rest of this page has been left blank
07:37for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39You've lost 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:42That's absolutely shameful.
07:43But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48Myles Young, everyone.
07:49APPLAUSE
07:51John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little and having a small penis
07:58and going bald.
07:59All that stuff.
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:06I've had enough.
08:07I'm going to...
08:08I'm just going to do something different tonight so that you can't hurt me.
08:11OK.
08:12I'm just...
08:13I give less of a shit.
08:14So...
08:15What was that?
08:16That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:18Oh, I've dropped something.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:22Start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:24Oh, wow.
08:25That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:42Over the cardigan.
08:46All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Ooh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:51Scared all of a sudden.
08:54Just in case you're thinking of pick on me.
08:57Woo!
08:59We're working out.
09:01Yeah.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:04You know that?
09:05Oh, God!
09:06Yeah.
09:07Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow!
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:10Where did we find weights that small?
09:12Oh, wow.
09:15Wow.
09:16You see?
09:17How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:20Oh!
09:23See anything you like?
09:25Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:29Yeah.
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42Whew!
09:43Someone's glued it.
09:44It's still got a rubber...
09:45It's still got a rubber tip on the top, yeah.
09:47Yeah.
09:50Safety first, Jon.
09:51It's done.
09:52Yeah.
09:53This is...
09:54Have another crack, yeah.
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:01Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05It's slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock, but...
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11That's good.
10:12Whoop!
10:14And he's over.
10:15Oh, blimey.
10:16Oh, wow.
10:22What I really like is that Jon carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:37Whatever.
10:38Rob, have you got...
10:40Have you got a mascot?
10:41No, yes.
10:42So, I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, something I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:52You can actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really?
11:00What have I got?
11:01Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:03What kind of plants?
11:04Well, in which meadow?
11:05Right, here we go.
11:08So, we've got a few bits of bobs here.
11:09So, I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, because it's sort of quite tricky.
11:12So, you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:16So, the old...
11:17Dapple.
11:19Do you hear that?
11:20So, what do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting.
11:23Yeah.
11:25They're lovely, aren't they?
11:26Yeah.
11:27So, I did that one first.
11:28Um, and then this one, it's the second one I worked on.
11:31Which is, um...
11:36Um, what do you think?
11:37That, that, that is...
11:39It's very, it's...
11:40Yeah.
11:41I mean, it's really terrific.
11:42It's really twitching.
11:43No, it's...
11:44It's absolutely terrific, this episode.
11:45Yeah.
11:46This would adorn, well, any tabletop, really.
11:48Yeah.
11:49Or bottom.
11:50Or...
11:51Yes.
11:52It's Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:54Very nice.
11:59Well, over in dictionary corner, it's, uh, Roisin and Kiara.
12:02APPLAUSE
12:05It's your first time on the show.
12:06We're thrilled to have you here.
12:07Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:09Hmm.
12:10Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy,
12:21you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more sort of...
12:24Ha!
12:25Rumpf!
12:26Ha-ronk!
12:27Oh.
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:37Let's get ready to rumble!
12:46Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:51And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:58Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country
13:01that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:06Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:08Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang
13:12for Radio 4.
13:13Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang,
13:16because Wang, Kai is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:24Nice.
13:26But Miles has been on it.
13:28He was fab.
13:29They're very kind.
13:30Yeah, you were.
13:31OK.
13:33What's the podcast about?
13:34It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on
13:37and come up with...
13:39Giles Giles?
13:40She means Giles Grandreth.
13:41What did I call you?
13:42You called me Giles.
13:43So I'm up!
13:44Yes, essentially.
13:45I'm so sorry.
13:46Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:48You very gratefully came on the show.
13:50He came on the show.
13:51Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:55OK.
13:56To the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing.
14:03The search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:07Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the King.
14:12I've met David Beckham.
14:13Mmm.
14:14And also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:18Yeah, Rob Beckett.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:21Only up to 1999, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:27OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:30APPLAUSE
14:46OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:58M.
14:59Could that also be a G?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:03That is very good.
15:06That is very good.
15:08APPLAUSE
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:11Is that the way this works?
15:13C.
15:14Three of each?
15:15Three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18In front of the lead.
15:19OK.
15:20P.
15:21And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:23Look at that.
15:24A, yeah.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:27OK.
15:28Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:33You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:35OK, cool.
15:36Consonant, please.
15:37T.
15:39Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:42And then consonant, please.
15:43And then the last one, L.
15:44And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:49Oh, is that...
15:51Fravio.
15:54Thanks.
15:57Parking thing.
16:04You all right?
16:05Just don't look at Susie, you might.
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:28Come on!
16:33Why is he so cute?
16:35Rob, how many?
16:36Five.
16:37Giles?
16:38Um...
16:40I've got, er, seven.
16:42Seven.
16:43Impressive.
16:44John, how many?
16:45Would I risk a nine, Susie?
16:46No?
16:47No, I wouldn't then.
16:48Yeah.
16:50Susie haven't got it.
16:51It's not in there, is it?
16:52I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:53Judy?
16:54Five.
16:55OK, what's your five?
16:56Plate.
16:57Rob, your five?
16:58Petal.
16:59Petal?
17:00Mmm.
17:01Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05Miles, your seven?
17:06Er, I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08Er, they are, er, climate and polemic.
17:11Wow.
17:12Both.
17:13Very cool.
17:14Lovely.
17:15Private and polemic.
17:16So, what's this nine?
17:18Yeah.
17:19That was, er, that was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing, of Miles.
17:22Well, maybe, maybe write down his name.
17:23Yeah.
17:25And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven, and then I wondered if you can have compilate,
17:31as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame.
17:36Seven for us, Jim.
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:44I might...
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:53Hang on, I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roisin and Kiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
17:59Erm...
18:00Poetical.
18:02Ooh, let's have that again.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:07OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10Well done.
18:14OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:20Erm...
18:21No.
18:22Three little ones.
18:23All right, OK.
18:24Nine, two, six, and then the big one.
18:26Oh.
18:2775, 50, and 100.
18:30And the target, 359.
18:32There it is.
18:33Come on, John.
18:34And your time starts now.
18:35Olha what's going on.
18:46All right, bye.
18:47ividades.
18:48All right.
18:50You're
19:02So the target was three five nine Judy love did you get it I got three four two why is worth no points
19:14Give me some credit for hat sorry to speak. I know but I can't expect you to not eat while we recorded
19:23Three four two miles did you get it three five seven? Okay, Rob I did what I think I did okay
19:31I never don't want to get it. I got three five eight right Rob. It's all on you six times seventy five
19:38450 minus 100 350 plus the nine ten points
19:51Can we talk about that we've done that talked about that
19:53We're all decided as a group it was irrelevant
19:59So Robin miles have 17 John and Judy have seven
20:05Time now to go across to dictionary corner Roisin and Kiara. What have you got for us? Well got a pretty good vibe
20:11Yeah, you're right care. Yeah, I'm fine. You seem a little bit of subdued or no, I'm fine. I'm fine
20:17All right, so is it Jimmy? I just I can't read him. I don't know what he's thinking
20:21Yeah, maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him from behind. Yeah, I know he didn't like that
20:26Yeah, I think that's on Jimmy though because like that is your like native
20:30Mediterranean war yes, yeah, because she's Italian see a vero son italiana
20:35So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her
20:40Sensuality infatti son una donna molto sensual
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity people money cabello
20:48Yeah, actually she is incredibly repressed. That's right. It's because I'm also half English so that explains that I'm rushing
20:56Rushing on the other hand is is Irish. Yeah Catholic and I'm an hour August and Vic August and spirit knave our men. That's right
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful and
21:10Loose and just a tiny bit slutty
21:12Just a teeny tiny bit slutty
21:13Sorry, that is absolute like slander. Not at all. I'm not like that
21:17It makes total sense because she's just trying to connect right because because we're born alone
21:22Exactly
21:24Okay, well there we go. Are you a naughty boy?
21:26Are you a kinky kinky little boot?
21:28Okay, don't call him a boot because he's a very like very well-known comedian
21:33She's got a thing for people in positions of power and clearly you're right in the middle. Uh-oh, here we go
21:42Oh
21:44Here we go
21:46He has been ogling me
22:16But we're here we're part of the show
22:18Okay, all right, regardless of the details
22:20I've got something to say to you Johnny might do this all the time. Maybe it's a bit of a laugh for you
22:26It's all fun and games, but for me, I'm at work
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan
22:43Do you know what's funny? As much as John started to look very awkward, you moved that cup so fucking fast
22:54We don't want to spill liquids
22:56You didn't just look back over there did you?
23:05Sorry, she'll look straight ahead
23:07Would you like to swap seats John?
23:09Well this one's fucking sodden now
23:11Well this one's fucking sodden now
23:16I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel isn't it John?
23:20That kimchi was on the turn and I took a gamble on the wrong night
23:23Yeah
23:24There is such a thing as too much roughage
23:26There really is
23:27Yeah, isn't there?
23:28Enough with a sexy talk
23:29Okay
23:30You move the crockery, I'll have one last poo
23:38And here is your teaser, the words are meat bell the clue is
23:48Nom nom nom nom nom nom
23:49That's meat bell
23:50Nom nom nom nom nom nom
23:51See you after the break
23:52See you after the break
24:09Welcome back to the answer to the tease
24:10The words were meat bell
24:12The clue was nom nom nom nom nom
24:13It was of course meltable
24:15Okay, so Rob and Miles are in the lead
24:17They've been playing in teams so far
24:19But this game is just for Rob and Judy
24:21So Judy your turn to choose
24:23I'll take a vowel please
24:25Great start
24:26E
24:27Consonant
24:28G
24:29A consonant
24:30M
24:32Consonant
24:34S
24:35A vowel
24:36Smeg
24:37I
24:38Oh
24:40A vowel
24:41Smeggy
24:43E
24:44Consonant
24:46T
24:47Oh go on let's have Smeggiest
24:49B
24:51Oh
24:52Oh
24:53Why
24:54Continent
24:55Final R
24:56While you do this, I've just got to pick some friends up from the station
24:59So your time starts now
25:02Poof
25:16I
25:20To just do a pickup station like crown green bowling
25:46Oh
25:54What's he cameras
26:16Oh
26:35Believe it the passion's here who's Rachel's other half and also Susie dense other half I
26:41I
26:44Should say just earlier on the show but John Richardson mentioned that he wanted to have sex with one of the Strictly dancers
26:53specifically you
26:55The first time I've ever said that on a show as well
27:00You'll be out of there in ten minutes mate
27:04Very efficient love maker. No with my skill you'll be out on two
27:11Please
27:13The undateable
27:17My friends from the volume
27:25Judy how many five five well you only had 30 seconds fair enough
27:29Yeah
27:37Six six Wow smash that five didn't you okay what's the five Judy miss misty or timer we'll go misty didn't fancy pop in the ass on the end of timer
27:47Yeah
27:49Sorry
27:51Timers
27:53I've got misery or mister
27:55Misery was not possible you said mystery
28:01I think John is unlikely to describe misery is not possible
28:04I
28:06I
28:08Was it boys to rob
28:12Roshi and Kiara could they have done any better they could have interestingly John and Kiara both had misery
28:18Yeah
28:20Yeah
28:22I'm just wondering what your misery is about
28:24I actually I'm feeling a little bit miserable
28:26I'm going to admit it
28:28What why is that I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw okay because I grind my teeth when I sleep right and
28:34Here today I realized I can't smile
28:37I'm just smiling with my eyes
28:39I'm just smiling with my eyes
28:43You can't smile now because you've had too much work done
28:47You're telling me that
28:49But yeah, we could have done a bit better and we could have eight letters here germiest germiest
28:55I did spot that but I've got some wipes down here all times
28:59Got rid of it. Have you finished undressing dictionary corner with your eyes?
29:03I'm not looking over there again
29:05I'm not looking over there again you can look at me
29:07I can't make you smile though can I?
29:09No
29:11Who's picking these old numbers then?
29:19So at the end of all that Rob and Myles have 23 John and Judy have 7
29:23Dan
29:25Come on Judy
29:31Now it's time for John and Myles to go head to head in the maths
29:33Myles your turn to pick the numbers
29:35Yeah, is it 6 in total?
29:37Is that what we're looking for?
29:39Yes, so 3
29:41I'm increasingly confident
29:43I can count, I just can't
29:45The angular matter
29:47Although I'll be obviously
29:49So there's no numbers yet?
29:51Yeah, 0, you've already got it
29:533 big numbers
29:553 and 3 coming up
29:573 and 3 coming up
29:593 little ones
30:0010
30:017
30:022
30:03And the 3 big ones
30:0475
30:0525
30:06And 50
30:07And the target 192
30:09Okay, and your time starts now
30:11Okay, and your time starts now
30:13So the target was 1
30:151
30:172
30:181
30:192
30:201
30:212
30:221
30:232
30:241
30:252
30:261
30:272
30:281
30:292
30:301
30:312
30:321
30:332
30:341
30:352
30:361
30:372
30:382
30:391
30:41So the target was 1,92
30:43Miles, did you get it?
30:44I didn't know
30:45Why did you look so pleased with yourself now?
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48Okay, John, did you get it?
30:491,93
30:51How'd you get 1,93?
30:5375 plus 25
30:55100
30:56Plus 2 times 50
30:58Plus 2 times 50
31:00200
31:01Minus 7
31:02Yeah, one away
31:03That's what I got
31:04Judy, no-one believes you
31:06Listen, I did 2 times 75
31:09175 and then I added 50 no
31:1325 50 I added 25 makes 175 and then I added you haven't even done that
31:24I added the 10 185
31:27I'm not get out seven one nine two
31:37Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:42What Rachel do it and blagged it?
31:50You can't win seven boys to John
31:57And here is your teaser the words are oiled nut the clue is you can see the shape of it
32:02That's oiled nut you can see the shape of it see you after the break
32:21Welcome back the answer to the tease the words were oiled nut the clue was you can see the shape of it
32:26It was of course outlined
32:28John your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help. Thank you. Please welcome comedian Dane Buckley
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees
32:51I've got a gag reflex baby
32:53I remember yeah, thank you
32:56I
32:58Don't need to ask Dane how he got the job
33:01Dane's your first time on the show. How would you describe yourself face of a Greek God body of Turkish delight?
33:06Okay, that's what I'm saying
33:07That's what I say on the dating apps
33:09No, I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian possibly for the longest time that I wasn't out as half Indian like
33:16I
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know
33:20You know
33:21I
33:22I
33:24I don't know why you just generally look Mediterranean you know like Charlie XCX
33:27But I learned recently you're you're darker down below you're darker down south and I didn't know
33:32Yes, thanks for sharing
33:34I didn't realize that was a thing
33:36But I was at the doctors recently and he saw me naked bless him and he said mr. Buckley can I ask you what your heritage is?
33:41And I was like, what is he found onion barge in my inner five?
33:43Are you any good at countdown? I'm massive dyslexic, so no, so that's why
33:50Guys, we're bringing the looks, so I think we look like a line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign, don't we?
33:56Yes
33:57Look at that, can't be written all over us
33:58Yes
33:59Yes
34:00United Colours of Benetton?
34:01Yes
34:02What's John, the guy from Accounts?
34:04You wouldn't know what that looks like
34:06Oh, ten points, that's ten points
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down, you'll know this Jimmy as well, my mammy, Irish mammies are hilarious
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up? I'm not, this is how she is
34:28Me and her won a beach in broadstairs, walking along, minding my own business
34:32And we straightened on to the nudist part of the beach
34:34But there was this older gentleman there, completely naked, belly hanging out, penis hanging out
34:39Resting Brexit face, that kind of vibe
34:43No teeth, lots of opinions, that was his part
34:47He was targeting women on the beach, but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy
34:51And he said to my mum, scuse me, love, does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:54And my mum did not miss a beat, glasses on a chain
34:56She said, what, love, that little thing there?
34:59I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable
35:05She said, I'll be honest with your puppet, I've seen bigger in mother care
35:08He snorbed away
35:16Have you got a mascot, can you bring your mascot?
35:18Oh my god, yeah, I'm not just here to have fun, look at this, yeah
35:20Right, this is a jalebi
35:24The most famous of Indian sweets
35:27It's crispy, it's deep fried, it's syrupy
35:30And it's absolutely gorgeous
35:32And my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week
35:35And we would fry these and she would make masala chai tea
35:38And she'd read my tea leaves
35:40But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me
35:42Because she didn't want to ask
35:44So she'd be like, hmm, okay, not many
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent, okay
35:47So she'd be like
35:49So she used to read my tea leaves
35:51And she'd be like, hmm, okay
35:52Not many girls in your future
35:54So many boys, okay
35:56Dancing so gay
35:58Oh darling, you're dancing round the pole
36:00And I was like, give me that nan
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish
36:03Like
36:04And so I thought, be brave
36:08I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan
36:10I said, nan, I'm gay
36:12She said, we must call your father immediately
36:14I said, why?
36:15She said, he owes me 20 pounds
36:20I said, nan, I'm as gay as the day is long
36:23She said, rubbish, foolish
36:24Gay as the day is long
36:25You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:31Hashtag gay light savings
36:35But I brought some chalabies for you guys to try
36:37I thought it would be nice
36:38Ooh
36:39Jalabies
36:40Jalabies
36:41So they are vegan, they're jalabies
36:42Have a little go
36:43No, you keep them, Judy
36:48Take one of my food
36:49They're nice, aren't they?
36:50Nice
36:51Oh my God, there's nothing to matter with that
36:52It's nice
36:53It's like that crispy shredded beef
36:55Without the beef in
37:00Wow, way to change my culture, Rob
37:02Great
37:03Do you want me to start on Angel Delight, Rob?
37:07I'm going back in custard, have you?
37:12He's been arsed in a bit of rice pudding
37:14My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen
37:18Fair, fair
37:19But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland
37:21So growing up I spoke Irish
37:22It's a Celtic language
37:23And you'll know if you know any Irish
37:25Nothing sounds like what you think it means
37:27Like, listen to this
37:28Which sounds like, honestly, you're saying
37:31Ready the war between the elves and the centaurs
37:34But it means I have no interest in the local facilities
37:37If you know anything about a gay man, that's just not true, Rob
37:41You know
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype
37:47Thank you, goodnight
37:57OK, on with the game
37:58Dane, your turn to choose the letters
38:00A consonant
38:01That's so much sugar
38:02That is extraordinary
38:03It feels like if we'd just eaten sugar
38:05There would have been less sugar in it than that
38:08A vowel
38:10Make my eyes hurt
38:11O
38:12Another vowel
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes
38:17I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel
38:21A
38:22Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel
38:25What are you going to do?
38:26Colonisers?
38:27No
38:31You're going to start annoying John in a minute
38:32He's going to start getting itchy
38:33If you do another vowel, he'll start getting panicky
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat
38:37But, you know, let's not fuck about
38:41OK, a consonant
38:43One fingers are too sticky to write
38:46How many, how many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Four
38:49Do you know what?
38:52Give me a big vowel
38:53I'm so sorry Jane, but the fun police have turned up
38:57A consonant
38:58A consonant
38:59N
39:00And the vowel
39:02E
39:04That's your max
39:05Right
39:07A consonant there
39:09A number?
39:10A W
39:11OK, and your time starts now
39:13Great
39:14Tweet
39:15You pick shit letters and we all suck
39:16You pick shit letters and we all suck
39:20And that sounds like they're spelling, does it?
39:21Yeah, you pick shit letters and we all suck at you.
39:33Doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:43Dane, how'd you do? Four.
39:45Er, Judy? Four.
39:48Did you get the same four that he got?
39:50Yeah!
39:53I think, John, you're on your own. How'd you do?
39:55Six.
39:56Six, OK. Miles?
39:57Oh.
39:58Still eating it.
40:00Just some more.
40:01I've got extra.
40:02There you go.
40:03Five, excellent.
40:04I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper.
40:06It'll be...
40:09Er, five. It was sinew was my word.
40:12Oh, wow. Yeah, just tell me straight away, it didn't matter.
40:15All right, Rob, how many?
40:17Five. Swine!
40:18I'm hyper.
40:21We're all hyper.
40:22We're on a sugar rush. Deal with it, Dad.
40:24Swine!
40:25Er, Dane, you're four. What was your four?
40:28News.
40:29Oh, well done.
40:31Well done.
40:32Definitely, definitely worth turning up for.
40:38Judy, what was your four?
40:40No, five.
40:41Five, what was it?
40:42Noise.
40:43Noise.
40:43Er, John?
40:45Er, insane in the membrane.
40:47It's insane in the membrane.
40:51Very sugary.
40:55Six points to John.
40:59He's going crazy.
41:01Okay, er...
41:02Roshine, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep.
41:06Swanny!
41:08What?
41:08Swanny.
41:09Swanny!
41:10Like the song?
41:11Like...
41:12Yeah!
41:13Like a swan.
41:14It's like a swan, or it's also, I think, quite a nice sort of padded,
41:17waterproof jacket with a hood.
41:19Okay, so...
41:20The scores at the moment are Rob and Miles have 23,
41:23John, Judy and Dane have 20.
41:24Ooh!
41:27And here is your final teaser.
41:28The words are, I'd nosh me, the clue is,
41:31anything for a good time.
41:32That's, I'd nosh me, anything for a good time.
41:35See you after the break.
41:49Welcome back.
41:52The answer to the teaser, the words were, I'd nosh me,
41:55the clue was, anything for a good time.
41:56It was, of course, hedonism.
41:58Okay, time for our final letters game.
42:00John, Judy, Dane, your turn to pick.
42:07I think John might have to take the lead on picking the letters.
42:10These two are getting on really well.
42:14Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:16Thanks, John.
42:16T.
42:17Vowel.
42:20A.
42:20Consonant, please.
42:22F.
42:23Consonant, please.
42:24S.
42:25Vowel, please.
42:27E.
42:28Consonant, please.
42:29L.
42:30Vowel, please.
42:32A.
42:33Consonant, please.
42:35D.
42:35And another vowel, please.
42:38And the last one, I'd.
42:40I've lost where I am.
42:41Actually, I'm bored of the clock music.
42:43I might change it up, if that's all right with everyone.
42:45Okay, and your time starts now.
42:49Oh, my God!
42:55There today's gonna be no sign.
43:00It does!
43:00I
43:23Okay, John, how many?
43:25Tengo un seis, gracias
43:27Sorry?
43:29Tengo un seis, Jimmy
43:31What's up to your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl
43:34Uno de mis muchos talentos secretos
43:36I have no idea what you're saying
43:38La gente solo piensa
43:40Oh, this little John Richardson
43:42MÃrenlo con su little cardigan
43:44Y su estúpida big voice talking
43:46Hay mucho más de lo que parece
43:48Estoy harto de que la gente bromee
43:50Diciendo que soy una especie de
43:52Virgin Rat Boy
43:54Y una última cosa que me gustarÃa admitir
43:56Realmente me gustan los chocolate hobnobs
43:59Congratulations
44:00Sorry, we are having some technical difficulties
44:02I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:06I think that's it, try that
44:07Hello
44:10John, how many?
44:11Er, six
44:13Okay, Dane, how many?
44:14Five
44:15Judy, how many?
44:16Six
44:17Okay, Miles, how many?
44:18Seven, I think
44:19Oh, damn
44:20Ooh
44:21Rob?
44:22Five
44:23Fades
44:24Fades, okay
44:25Dane, your five
44:26False
44:27False, okay
44:28Judy
44:29Ladies
44:30John, your six
44:31Fasted
44:32Miles, for the points, your seven
44:34Uh
44:35Dilates
44:36Yeah
44:37Oh
44:38Oh
44:39My man
44:40Oh
44:41Yeah
44:42Seven points to Miles
44:47Wow
44:48Could they have done any better?
44:50No
44:51Nope
44:52Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it was fantastic
44:54Well done, Lord Grantham
44:57Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30, John, Judy and Dane have 20
45:03APPLAUSE
45:04Okay, so it's a crucial Countdown Conundrum today, you ready for this?
45:09Yeah
45:10Today's crucial Countdown Conundrum, your time starts now
45:26Pickiness
45:27Oh, how did you get that?
45:29That's it, Daddy Cool got it, I guess
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw, everyone's a winner
45:44Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, The Countdown Dogbed
45:50Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, good night
45:59Yeah
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