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00:00Good evening and welcome to The Daily Show. We are back. This is our first show since the tragedy in New York City and there's no other way really to start the show than to ask you at home the question that we asked the audience here tonight and that we've asked everybody that we know here in New York since September 11th and that is are you okay?
00:30And we pray that you are and that your family is. I'm sorry to do this to you. It's another entertainment show beginning with an overwrought speech of a shaken host and television is nothing if not redundant.
00:52So I apologize for that. It's something that unfortunately we do for ourselves so that we can drain whatever abscess is in our hearts and move on to the business of making you laugh which we haven't been able to do very effectively lately.
01:15Everyone's checked in already. I know we're late. I'm sure we're getting in right under the wire before the cast of Survivor offers their insight into what to do in these situations.
01:30They said to get back to work and there were no jobs available for a man in the fetal position under his desk crying which I gladly would have taken.
01:44So I come back here and tonight's show is not obviously a regular show. We looked through the vault. We found some clips that we thought might make you smile which is really what's necessary I think right about now.
02:05And a lot of folks have asked me what are you going to do when you get back what are you going to say I mean that geez what a terrible thing to have to do and I don't see it as a burden at all.
02:16I see it as a privilege and I just I see it as a privilege and everyone here does see it that way and the show in general we feel like is a privilege just even even the idea that we can sit in the back of the country and make wisecracks which is really what we do.
02:43We sit in the back and we throw spitballs and but never forgetting the fact that it is a luxury in this country that allows us to do that that is a country that allows for open satire and I know that sounds basic and it sounds as though it goes without saying but that's really what this whole situation is about.
03:08It's the difference between closed and it's the difference between free and and and and and burdened and we don't take that for granted here by any stretch of the imagination and our show has changed.
03:24I don't I don't I don't I don't doubt that what it's become I don't know sublimitable is not a punchline anymore one day it will become that again and and Lord willing it'll become that again because it means that we have ridden out the storm.
03:42But the main reason that I wanted to speak tonight is is is not to tell you what the show is going to be not to tell you about all the incredibly brave people that are here in New York and in Washington and around the country.
03:59But but but but we've had an unenduring pain here and and unendurable pain and I just I wanted to tell you why I grieve.
04:19But why I don't despair.
04:25I'm sorry.
04:29Luckily, we can edit this.
04:40One of my first memories is of Martin Luther King being shot.
04:45I was five.
04:47And if you wonder if this feeling will pass.
04:55When I was five and he was shot, here's what I remember about it.
04:59I was in a school in Trenton and they shut the lights off and we got to sit under our desks and we thought that was really cool.
05:07And they gave us cottage cheese, which was a cold lunch because there was rioting.
05:13And we but we didn't know that we just thought, my God, we get to sit under our desks and eat cottage cheese.
05:19And and what have and that's what I remember about it.
05:25And that was a tremendous test of this country's fabric.
05:29And.
05:30And this country's had many tests before that and after that.
05:34And.
05:37The reason I don't despair is because.
05:41This attack happened.
05:42It's not a dream.
05:49But the aftermath of it.
05:53The recovery.
05:54Is a dream realized.
05:58And that is Martin Luther King's dream.
06:00Whatever barriers we put up are gone, even if it's just momentary and.
06:16We're judging people by.
06:20Not the color of their skin, but the content of their character.
06:23And, you know, all this talk about these guys are criminal masterminds.
06:31They've they've gotten together and they've they're extraordinary guile and their wit and their skill.
06:37It's it's it's it's a lie.
06:40Any fool can blow something up.
06:43Any fool can destroy.
06:45Anyway, but to see these guys, these firefighters, these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets.
06:55Rebuilding.
06:58That that is.
07:00That's extraordinary.
07:03And and and that's why we've already won.
07:06They can't.
07:07It's it's light.
07:10It's it's democracy.
07:11It's it's we've already won.
07:12They can't.
07:14Shut that down.
07:15They live in chaos.
07:23And chaos, it can't sustain itself.
07:27It never could.
07:29It's too easy and it's too unsatisfying.
07:35The view.
07:37From my apartment.
07:43Was the World Trade Center.
07:45And now it's gone.
07:56And they attacked it.
07:58This symbol.
08:00Of American ingenuity.
08:03And strength.
08:04And.
08:05And labor and imagination and commerce.
08:08And it is gone.
08:12But you know what the view is now.
08:15The Statue of Liberty.
08:20The view from the south of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty.
08:23You can't beat that.
08:31So we're going to take a break and I'm going to stop slobbering on myself in the desk and.
08:39We're going to get back to this.
08:41And it's going to be fun and funny and it's going to be the same as it was.
08:45And I thank you.
08:52Hey, welcome back.
08:54Hey.
08:57You know what's nice?
08:59A good cry.
09:00I feel like Robin Williams in the Millennium Man.
09:05You know.
09:06I'm in the back room going.
09:07I can feel love.
09:13Anyway.
09:14I thank you for your indulgence.
09:15And now we move on.
09:16We wanted to show you some stuff that I think.
09:19I pray.
09:20Will make you smile.
09:21During our election coverage.
09:22We met all kinds of people that we just sort of fell in love with.
09:29And one man in particular epitomized to me this sort of frontier American spirit of a man who believed in all things being possible.
09:40And his name is Charles R. Doty.
09:43And I think you'll enjoy seeing his story.
09:46I'm Charles R. Doty.
09:53Morning in America again.
09:55Following unsuccessful presidential bids in 1984, 88, 92, and 96, all eyes are on Oklahoma political powerhouse Charles Doty as he considers yet another unsuccessful run for the presidency.
10:09This is the moment in time that I am officially announcing my candidacy as a Democrat for the president of the United States.
10:22And already the Doty Express is taking on mythic proportions.
10:27Any question out of bounds?
10:29No, no, not with me.
10:30My life's an open book.
10:32Does your wife travel with you?
10:34She did one time.
10:35Does she like it?
10:37No.
10:37No.
10:39Besides having no money, no strategy, no volunteers, no ads, no bumper stickers, no yard signs, and a wife who hates your guts for running, what stands between you and the White House?
10:56Hi, this is Charles Doty.
10:57You're running for president.
10:59I don't know.
11:00I don't know.
11:02Yes, actually, I have an appointment that I'm almost late for.
11:05Who do you know that is going to vote for you?
11:09Well, you can rest assured I'm going to vote for me.
11:12That's one.
11:14Okay.
11:17And that's not even counting special interest groups.
11:24Well, I do know what the Indians are like.
11:27Don't forget, cowboys always whip the Indians.
11:31Joke.
11:31Mr. Doty, let's talk hot-button issues.
11:35Just say for or against.
11:36Okay.
11:37The metric system.
11:38Against.
11:39United Nations.
11:41Against.
11:42UFO research.
11:45For.
11:46Kissing on the first date.
11:50Against.
11:51Against.
11:51Oh.
11:52Nah, I'd say four.
12:04Mr. Doty, do you think you're a viable candidate this year?
12:07Uh, no more questions right now.
12:08We're getting ready for a rally over here.
12:10I do want to thank you for coming out to my rally.
12:13Heavy petting on the first date.
12:15Having what?
12:16Heavy petting on the first date.
12:18Against.
12:35Against.
12:36For this candidate, big tobacco is not an issue.
12:40I understand there's no smoking in the White House.
12:42Well, I suppose for the good I could do as president, far outweigh whether or not I ever had a cigarette or not.
12:52Yeah, I'd go outside.
12:54And once the smoke clears, don't be surprised if Charles R. Doty is still in the running.
13:00So come November the 4th or 5th, I don't remember the exact date, but it's the general election.
13:07Remember, you have a friend in Doty.
13:10Ah, we have a friend in Bede, and he has a friend in us.
13:20Welcome back to the show.
13:23Like most of you, I've been watching a lot of TV lately, and I've been actually very impressed by the exercise of judgment and restraint on the part of the news media.
13:32I know they have far more graphic images that they will not run.
13:36And it reminded me that I once spent the day with someone who I think has really exemplified everything that a journalist should be in these times, Peter Jennings.
13:46And while our day was not a very conventional one, it meant a lot to me.
13:52And I'd like you to take a look at it.
13:54Can I help you?
14:14It was my hero, Peter Jennings.
14:23He could have thrown me out, but instead, he took me on a journey of discovery.
14:29Why did you come to the convention?
14:32I mean, I come for two reasons.
14:34I come for the food.
14:34I come to wear makeup.
14:36I came here for one reason, really, and one reason all.
14:39I thought Van Halen was playing at the Spectrum.
14:41You ever talk to Clinton or Bush?
14:44I talked to Clinton.
14:44I talked to George W. Bush in Austin, Texas, just the other day.
14:47What were you doing?
14:48We were talking to, uh, are you familiar with, uh, Urkel?
14:53Do you know, do you know Urkel?
14:54My name is Sam Donaldson.
14:56I have a website.
14:57Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
14:58I'm in the inner...
15:00I'm in the in...
15:02So this is stress relief?
15:14It helps, I have to tell you.
15:16And that's not working.
15:18It just helps.
15:19Does someone's head always have to be in it?
15:23It helps.
15:25It helps.
15:27Oh.
15:28My.
15:29God.
15:30The convention floor.
15:33I have such faith in you, my fellow Americans.
15:37Does Senator McCain understand that there's no one here?
15:39Because he seems to be giving a speech.
15:41Served by a government.
15:42But there's no one here.
15:43We kick back in the green room.
15:47Oh, my God.
15:50God, it's not polite to laugh, but...
15:52It's like it was written by a child.
15:58Oh, my God.
16:00Then, it was off to the grand prize.
16:04The ABC Network News Desk.
16:07Oh, wow.
16:10Morning.
16:10Come and sit in.
16:12What's this button right here?
16:13This is the button I push if I decide that I want to break into regular programming with an urgent bullet.
16:18Could I try it?
16:23Here it is.
16:24A $1 million question.
16:25We rarely see these here.
16:29From ABC News.
16:32Did we do it?
16:35This just in.
16:36This is awesome!
16:39Sadly, my network journey had come to an end.
16:42Peter, thank you so much.
16:44We very much appreciate it.
16:46Good night, Peter.
16:47You're not as bad as I heard.
16:48I appreciate that.
16:50See you.
16:57Just one more thing.
16:59For all of us at ABC News.
17:01Good night, John.
17:04Yes!
17:05Yes!
17:06Yes!
17:11Stay with us.
17:11Welcome back to the show.
17:13I have absolutely no reason to show you this next piece.
17:17It's just pure goofy.
17:19Enjoy.
17:28Advertising's main function is to sell products, but sometimes it fulfills a higher purpose.
17:33For instance, what better way to make the public aware of amazing scientific advancements in personal hygiene?
17:39Imagine a fast, easy, no-heat, all-natural hair removal gel.
17:44Hmm.
17:45No.
17:46I can't imagine something like that.
17:48How would it work?
17:49Go over it firmly three times.
17:51Now hold the skin taut and pull it off in the opposite direction.
17:54Sounds great.
17:56Can I use it anywhere on the body?
17:57Use anywhere on the body.
17:59Eyebrows.
18:00Wow.
18:01Face.
18:02Uh-huh.
18:02Back.
18:04Ugh.
18:05Underarms.
18:06Well, the product certainly seems to work.
18:09But it doesn't matter what you're selling, you'll never sell any of it without a catchy name.
18:15Introducing NADS, the hottest no-heat product on the market.
18:19And how the Aussies have gone mad for NADS.
18:21It's so successful that three out of four people choose NADS over the competition.
18:27NADS.
18:27Great name.
18:28The best thing about NADS is it sounds like you've heard it somewhere before.
18:36I guess all I need to know now is how do I get my hands on some NADS?
18:41Call now to get your very own supply of NADS all-natural hair removal gel.
18:45Simple enough.
18:46But one thing you don't want to do is leave the consumer with too many questions.
18:51Would my NADS lose potency over time?
18:54Can I share my NADS with a friend?
18:56And are NADS harmful if swallowed?
18:59Call now and receive absolutely free Sue's special video, How to Get Great Results with NADS.
19:05Well, I'll tell you, I'm convinced.
19:07I just wish I knew about NADS in time for bikini season.
19:11John?
19:14See?
19:15We're back.
19:18That's our show for tonight.
19:20Join us next week at 11 and we'll try and figure out what the hell we're going to do then.
19:23I do hope that you got a smile out of tonight's show and if you didn't, I'm about to introduce
19:29your moment of zen.
19:29Normally, our moment of zen is a piece of disquieting footage, something eccentric or quirky and
19:36in keeping with tonight's theme of hoping to get a smile out of you, I now say, here it
19:41is, your moment of zen.
19:43A puppy.
19:47It's your moment of zen.
19:49Oh, don't be scared.
19:51No.
19:52No.
19:52No.
19:52No.
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