- 3 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hey.
00:05Hey.
00:06I need a drink.
00:08You sound just like Dad.
00:10Dad didn't drink.
00:12Oh, no, no, I know.
00:13But your voice is deep like a man.
00:16Well, you want a beer?
00:19No, no, I have an audition in an hour with this great theater company.
00:22I have to memorize a monologue from Shakespeare's Richard III.
00:25Oh, how's that going?
00:28Bad.
00:30Why would you even want to do Shakespeare?
00:32Well, you know, this could be a great opportunity for me, you know,
00:35really turn things around, get people to take me as a serious actor.
00:39Plus, I get to wear a crown.
00:41You know, maybe it would help you to memorize it if you understood the dialogue.
00:45Yeah, but it's like a whole other language.
00:49Well, let me help you.
00:51Let's start with the first line.
00:53Okay, uh, now is the winter of our discontent.
00:57Interesting.
00:59Uh, made glorious summer by this son of York.
01:03Oh, okay, sure.
01:06And all the clouds that lowered upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
01:12You want to get a pizza?
01:18Oh, God, yes.
01:19Oh, God, yes.
01:20Come on.
01:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:29Everything's gonna be all right.
01:31All right, ya'll.
01:33You wanna be all right, you gotta watch.
01:35Hey, Michael.
01:59Hey.
02:00Oh, how'd the Shakespeare edition go?
02:01I didn't get it.
02:02I'm going to be the understudy.
02:04That's great.
02:05Michael, I don't know what that means in rocket science business, but in show business, it
02:09means you suck.
02:11You're looking at this the wrong way.
02:13If the lead actor gets sick, you're in.
02:15This is an opportunity.
02:16You just need to be ready to seize it when your moment comes.
02:19Yeah?
02:20Absolutely.
02:20Remember what happened to Lou Gehrig?
02:22One day, Wally Pip got sick.
02:25Lou filled in for him.
02:27He was so good, he replaced him permanently.
02:29The guy played, like, every single game for 13 years.
02:31Michael, I can't play this part that long.
02:33I'm supposed to go to SeaWorld in three weeks.
02:36The point is, you could get your big break, and you need to be ready.
02:42Hmm.
02:43Yeah, I'll just wait for my chance, then I'll go out there and be the best Richard III there
02:47ever was.
02:47Well, actually, Sir Lawrence Olivier set a pretty high standard for that one.
02:50Hmm.
02:51Maybe I should put a Sir in front of my name.
02:55Girl.
02:56Girl, girl, girl.
02:57Well, uh, hello.
02:59Hi.
02:59Let me help you with that.
03:01Thanks.
03:01And let me be the first to welcome you to the building.
03:03Oh, actually, I'm moving out of my apartment here and in with my fiancée.
03:07Oh, there you go.
03:13Joey, she's moving out.
03:14This is bad.
03:15This is really bad.
03:15Come on, Michael.
03:17You didn't have a chance with that girl.
03:19I could still get her.
03:20You want to see?
03:20No!
03:21Look!
03:22An apartment is open in the building.
03:24My mother's going to want to move in.
03:26Really?
03:27Yes!
03:28When I moved in here, she asked me if there was an apartment open for her.
03:30God, she hates being alone.
03:32And now I'm not there anymore to do yard work or move furniture around.
03:36Oh, uh, you move furniture?
03:38It's mostly wicker.
03:40This cannot happen.
03:42You have to help me.
03:42All right, all right, all right.
03:43Uh, well, we'd better take that sign down.
03:46You'd better just back off, mister!
03:48Get the...
03:51I didn't hit your car!
03:56You wouldn't know if I hit your car!
03:58I just totally hit that guy's car.
04:02What's going on with you guys?
04:04It was nothing.
04:07What do we have here?
04:10A plant for rent?
04:11California, what a bunch of weirdos, huh?
04:16All right, and we'll get dinner ready.
04:18Hey.
04:18Hey, guys.
04:19Hi, Gina.
04:20Hey, Howie.
04:21Hey, did you notice anything different about me?
04:24Did you get shorter?
04:25No, I've been working out!
04:27I have a Bowflex.
04:28Good things are happening to my body almost daily.
04:33I can make good things happen to your body almost daily, too.
04:36I want to marry her.
04:42Hey, that's not supposed to be here.
04:44It's supposed to go over there.
04:45Uh, hey, Howie, listen, uh, we don't want Gina to know about the empty apartment right
04:49now, so maybe don't mention it to her.
04:51Why can't she know?
04:52Uh, because if she finds out, she'll move into it, and we really don't want her living
04:55here.
04:55She'd move in here?
04:56Howard.
04:57I want that.
04:57Howard, no.
04:58I'm gonna tell her.
04:58Howard.
04:59Gina!
04:59Hey!
04:59You want to have another pizza night, just you and me?
05:05That was the best night ever.
05:07We watched Die Hard, and then you showed me your Days of Our Lives cast photo and pointed
05:10out everyone you slept with.
05:12Uh-huh.
05:13All right, well, we can do that again if you don't mention the empty apartment to Gina.
05:17Really?
05:18Yeah, but this time we can die harder.
05:21Ah!
05:22The same thing happens, only this time they're on a plane!
05:29Michael, guess what?
05:32Great news.
05:32The guy who plays Richard III has been throwing up all day.
05:35Really?
05:36Yeah, yeah, they think it might be serious.
05:38I'm gonna get to go on.
05:39I'm so happy for you.
05:40See, I told you.
05:42So how did the lines come?
05:43Ah, yeah, words.
05:45The worst part of acting.
05:47I can't get that opening monologue.
05:50I think I have too much information stored in my brain.
05:55It's an interesting theory.
05:58Hey, guys.
05:59Oh, hey.
05:59Hey, um, do you know what's been happening to the four rent signs I've been putting up?
06:02Yeah, yeah, we've been taking them down and tearing them up.
06:06And why have you been doing that?
06:07Because if my mom finds out there's an apartment here, she'll want to move in immediately.
06:11Oh, well, that might be okay.
06:13We're getting along pretty well.
06:14Really?
06:14You think you'd want her as a tenant?
06:17Okay, let's do a little role play, all right?
06:19I'll be Gina, and you come and ask me for the rent.
06:23Okay, Gina.
06:24Bite me, blondie!
06:25That felt so real.
06:31Okay, you know what?
06:32You're right.
06:33This can't happen.
06:33She's crazy.
06:34Whoa, whoa, whoa, Alex.
06:36We could talk about it like that, but you can't.
06:38That's my sister.
06:38Yeah, that's my mother.
06:40Oh, my God.
06:40I'm so sorry.
06:43Ah, we're just messing with you.
06:44Yeah, she's crazy.
06:47So, look, we have to find someone else to live in that apartment.
06:49Is anybody interested in it?
06:51No, I was thinking of having an open house.
06:52Oh, oh, have one tomorrow.
06:54She has to go to San Diego for a wind convention.
06:55Ooh, San Diego.
06:57Only 20 more days till SeaWorld.
07:00Okay, this can totally work.
07:02I just have to rent it to someone by tomorrow.
07:05I just wish my husband were here.
07:06He's the real salesman in the family.
07:07Really?
07:08Yeah, the last apartment we had open, he rented no problem.
07:11Even though there was bad plumbing, faulty heating, and there's mold in the walls.
07:16Uh, weren't we the last people to move in?
07:19So, SeaWorld, huh?
07:33Ah, all hail King Meatball.
07:37Hey, you're gonna come see my play tonight, right?
07:39Pass up the chance to see you in makeup and tights?
07:42That's gonna be my Christmas card.
07:45So, you ready to go on?
07:46Yeah, yeah, I got everything down except that damn opening monologue.
07:50Hey, what do you think about sitting in the front row and mouthing the words to me?
07:53I don't know it.
07:54You know it better than I do.
08:00Hello?
08:01Uh-huh.
08:03Oh.
08:05Okay.
08:06Uh-huh, thanks.
08:07Bye.
08:08Bye.
08:08Uh-oh.
08:11Paternity test results.
08:14No, that was the theater calling.
08:16I'm going on tonight.
08:18You knew that.
08:18Different theater, different play.
08:22What?
08:23Well, I liked understudying so much, I took another job.
08:26I over-understudied.
08:29You know, why would you do that?
08:31Well, I figured if I understudied in more than one thing, it'd increase my odds of getting on stage.
08:36You know, you think just enough to really screw things up for yourself.
08:40I know, I know.
08:42I can't believe this.
08:43What are the chances of two people getting sick at the same time?
08:46Well, it's flu season.
08:47Get a flu shot.
08:48You didn't get a flu shot.
08:50I'm not in a play.
08:53What am I going to do?
08:54Hey, Joey, there was a weird phone message for you.
08:57Your producer called, said you were going on tonight.
09:00Yeah, yeah, honey.
09:00He knows already.
09:01He's in two plays tonight.
09:02Actually, I should hear this.
09:06Well, okay, the message was Trent's stuck in Florida, so they need you to play the part of Gus.
09:09You're in three plays?
09:11Oh!
09:12I was afraid it was Gus.
09:14Damn it, Trent!
09:15I'm professional, I'm professional, I'm professional.
09:18So what's the third play about?
09:24I don't remember!
09:25Joey, what are you going to do?
09:28Well, I don't know.
09:29I can only do one.
09:30Well, hey, don't do the one with the monologue in it, because you don't know that very well.
09:33Yeah, but I haven't studied the dancing in that cowboy thing at all.
09:41I don't know.
09:43Oh, please do that one.
09:47I can't believe this.
09:48What are the chances?
09:49It's like everything is lining up to screw me.
09:52It's the understudy perfect storm.
09:55Joey, thank you for coming in.
10:05Listen, the reason that I called...
10:07No, no, no, no, you didn't call me, I called you.
10:10Oh, good.
10:12I was just about to make something up.
10:15Okay, look, Bobby, I got a real problem, and I need your help.
10:19I took an understudy role in this play.
10:21Oh, no, I hate plays.
10:23Well, that's not the problem.
10:26Oh, it gets worse?
10:28Well, I signed up to understudy in three different plays, and they all want me to go on tonight.
10:33What?
10:33Oh, why can't you just have a coke problem like everyone else?
10:40I'll give that some thought.
10:42All right.
10:43You have to do three plays at once.
10:45Well, lucky for you, I am the queen of multitasking.
10:48Right now, as we are talking, I am doing butt clenches.
10:52And I'm learning Spanish in this earpiece.
10:55Me llamo Bobby.
10:59I'm trying to seduce a Mexican soap star.
11:04All right.
11:05Let's see if we can juggle these.
11:08All three plays are at the same time?
11:11Uh, no, no, no.
11:12One starts a little earlier.
11:14Oh, and one, I'm not in until the second act.
11:16Great!
11:16So you can do both of those.
11:18And for the third, maybe we can get the actor to go on.
11:22Oh, how am I going to do that?
11:24Well, I'd offer to call and threaten to ruin his career, but it couldn't get much worse.
11:30He's doing a play.
11:33Uh, maybe I can just go talk to him.
11:35You do that.
11:36You'll think of something to say.
11:38You're a big, bright guy.
11:40Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot.
11:44Really?
11:46Well, enough of that Donda style of playa crap.
11:50How do you say, take off my bra?
11:55QuÃtame mi braciel.
12:05Hey, Alex, how's the open house going?
12:07Okay, we've had a few bites, but no one's really interested.
12:10Did you mention there's a celebrity living in the complex?
12:13There is?
12:14Who?
12:14Uh, Sir Joey Tribbiani.
12:16Oh, yeah, well, let's keep that quiet.
12:19We don't want the paparazzi crawling around here.
12:22I hate those bastards always following me around in their helicopters.
12:27Well, you better rent it soon, because Gene's going to be back from San Diego in a couple of hours.
12:31Okay, well, I'm doing the best I can.
12:32It's not like I've got the greatest prospects here.
12:34Oh, look, don't be so choosy, all right?
12:36The important thing is to rent it to someone who's not, my sister, all right?
12:39And maybe someone who's hot and has Hollywood connections and HDTV.
12:43Get out of here!
12:48Hey, Michael.
12:49Hey, looks like there's a lot of people at the open house.
12:51Hi, Gina.
12:53We're here.
12:54Uh, what happened to your wig convention?
12:56Oh, a lot of stylists came down with the flu, so they canceled the whole thing.
12:59Flu?
13:00You are killing me!
13:02Hi, Michael.
13:03I'm just going to get you laundry, and I'll be on my way.
13:05Hey, Ma.
13:07How long has she been here?
13:08Did she see the open house?
13:09No, she came before it started, but now she just has to stay till it's over.
13:11So, how are we going to keep her here?
13:13Uh...
13:14Oh, wait.
13:14Keeping her here would be easy.
13:16What's her favorite thing to do in the world?
13:17Uh, telling us what to do.
13:19Be more specific.
13:20Uh, telling me what to do.
13:21Exactly.
13:21So, just ask her advice about something.
13:24Uh, like what?
13:25All right, don't worry.
13:25I'll help.
13:26I've been working on improv.
13:27My new theater company watched me think on my feet.
13:30This is scary.
13:32All right.
13:33I got your laundry.
13:34I'm going to take off.
13:34Okay, Mom, you know what?
13:35Stay.
13:36Just because I want to talk.
13:38I have a problem.
13:39With what?
13:40Well, it's a problem with...
13:42A girl.
13:42Yes, with a girl.
13:44Really?
13:45What's her name?
13:46Raisin.
13:51Yes, uh, her name is Raisin, and she's a little bit...
13:55Cajun!
13:58She's a little bit Cajun.
13:59And her father's a dirty cop!
14:02Okay, I'm glad you came to me about this.
14:04Here's what you're going to do.
14:04Wait, you actually have some advice about my Cajun girlfriend, Raisin?
14:10First, there's a few things that you two need to get straight, okay?
14:12Okay, great.
14:13I'm taking off.
14:13Joey, where are you going?
14:15It turns out, time-wise, I can still do Richard III and then make it across town for the second
14:19act in the cowboy musical.
14:20So now, I got to convince a sick actor in the third play that he's well enough to go on
14:23instead of me.
14:27Okay, I'm ready.
14:32Hey, Tim.
14:41Who are you?
14:44It's me, Joey, your understudy.
14:46What are you doing here?
14:47Oh, uh, your roommate let me in.
14:49I just really wanted to thank you for giving me the chance to go on tonight.
14:52I want you to know that I am not going to let you down.
14:54I've been busy making the role of Harry my own.
14:56You mean Henry?
14:59Good thing I'm getting out of this one.
15:02Anyway, I just want to tell you a little story, Tim.
15:05Do you like baseball?
15:06Not really, but I like A-Rod.
15:08He's yummy.
15:10Amen.
15:12Anyway, you remind me of this first baseman, Wally Pip.
15:16Why?
15:16Did he die with an understudy in his room?
15:18No, no, but he was sick one day, and he allowed a young, no-name backup to come into the game
15:26for him, and he never made it back into the lineup.
15:28You know why?
15:29Why?
15:30Because his replacement turned out to be Lou Gehrig, one of the most beloved figures in
15:35baseball, hitting almost 500 home runs.
15:39You do know what a home run is, right?
15:41I'm not that gay.
15:44Sorry.
15:45Anyway, I just, uh, just want to leave you with that little story before I go out tonight
15:48and act one out of the park.
15:50Wait, why are you telling me this?
15:52Are you threatening me?
15:53If I was, would it work?
15:54Is this some kind of all-about-Eve situation?
15:57If it was, would it work?
16:00You know, maybe I am starting to feel a little better.
16:03Really?
16:03Yeah, I think I can go on tonight.
16:05Well, hey, if that's what you want, Tim, I'm not going to be the one to stop you.
16:08If only I hadn't stopped by.
16:11You know, coming in here and trying to talk me into going on, you may be the worst understudy
16:15ever.
16:16You have no idea.
16:23Hey, did you rent the apartment yet?
16:25I did, finally.
16:26Actually, to a really nice girl who just moved here from New York.
16:29Uh-oh.
16:30I hope it's not someone I slept with and never called back.
16:33I doubt it.
16:34I mean, what are the odds?
16:35Actually, quite high.
16:37Come on, let's go tell Michael the good news.
16:40She really sounds worth fighting for.
16:42But remember, the Cajun aren't emotional people.
16:46Okay, Mom, thanks for the advice.
16:49And I want to meet this raisin.
16:50Oh, that's actually going to be difficult because she lives...
16:52In a submarine.
16:56She lives on a submarine.
17:01All right, I'm going to take off.
17:02Okay, okay.
17:04Keeping the secret's been torturing me.
17:06I can't eat.
17:07I can't sleep.
17:08I can barely both legs.
17:11Gina, there's an apartment for rent across the way.
17:14What?
17:15They didn't want me to tell you, but I want you to live here.
17:19I think you deserve to know because you're super, super pretty.
17:22No more die hard for you, Howie.
17:24Really?
17:25Because I just ordered pizza.
17:27Bring it down and we'll talk.
17:28Do you know about this?
17:33Hey, she had nothing to do with it.
17:35It's true.
17:35I would have rented it to you in a second.
17:37I love having you around.
17:39In fact...
17:39Bite me, Blondie.
17:40Okay.
17:40Wow.
17:46So all day you've been trying to keep me from finding out about this place.
17:49You guys must have really not wanted me to live here, huh?
17:52Look, Gina, I just thought it would be better for Michael.
17:55Look, Mom.
17:57I'm sorry.
17:58I just...
17:59I like things the way they are.
18:01I like having my own space.
18:02Me too.
18:07What?
18:09Look, there was a time not too long ago when I would have wanted to live there and be closer
18:13to you.
18:14But I have to say, this is kind of working out for me.
18:17I mean, I went straight from being a kid to raising a kid.
18:20I've never really lived alone before.
18:22I've never lived alone either.
18:26And it's scary.
18:28But it's nice.
18:30I got the whole place to myself.
18:31I can listen to bad music whenever I want.
18:34I can light my smelly candles that you hate.
18:36And I can take super long baths.
18:37He's always interrupting my baths.
18:42I guess I'm figuring out who I am away from you.
18:46And it's strange.
18:48But I'm kind of having fun.
18:51Huh.
18:53What?
18:55It's just...
18:56It's weird.
18:57I guess...
18:58I didn't want you to smother me, but now that you're not doing it anymore...
19:01It's actually kind of sad.
19:03You know, I guess things are changing.
19:06Yeah.
19:08In fact, maybe you should start doing your own laundry.
19:11Ha-ha!
19:14And maybe you guys should start cooking for yourselves, too.
19:16Hey, you are this boy's mother!
19:18Now is the winter of our discontent.
19:37What's the next line?
19:39What's the next line?
19:40God, please, help me get through this.
19:44And I promise, from now on, I will not understudy for more than two plays at once.
19:49Now is the winter of our discontent.
20:04Made glorious summer by this sun of York.
20:07And all the clouds that lowered upon our house
20:12In the deep bosom of the ocean buried
20:15Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths
20:20Our bruised arms hung up for monuments
20:24Our stern alarms changed to merry meetings
20:28Our dreadful marches to delightful measures
20:33Also, enjoy the cowboys!
20:55Oh, I can't believe I finally nailed that speech
21:06It was in the wrong play, but still
21:07I would like to make a toast to my brother
21:11To his L.A. stage debut
21:13To acting
21:14To acting
21:16Uh, to independence
21:19To independence
21:21Oh, and to Michael and Raisin
21:25To Michael and Raisin
21:29Raisin, it's over there!
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