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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O'Brien!
00:30Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live at the Apollo!
00:43My name is Dara O'Brien, it is a pleasure and I'd like to be back here doing this, I love
00:49doing this.
00:50I've had to pause, by the way, doing things like comedy tours, because I've just got an
00:54acting job, pretty big acting job, so you're very kind.
00:58I'm playing the lead role in the new Greg Wallace biopic.
01:08It's been on the cards for a while, but we had to postpone it just to rewrite the ending.
01:12No, it is a delight to be back doing this, because I'm on the tour, bringing you exciting
01:18news of all over the place.
01:20Firstly, Dublin, where I'm from.
01:22Anyone here ever been to Dublin?
01:23Of course, I know, you've all been to Dublin, right?
01:26There is a part of Dublin, by the way, called Temple Bar, right?
01:29Yeah, a lot of you are familiar with it.
01:32Of course, you should be familiar with it, because we built it for you.
01:35Yes.
01:36Honestly, it was very much built with British tourists in mind.
01:40It's like a big ball pit that we drop you into, and then we go off and have pints somewhere
01:44else.
01:45And every so often, we come back and go, how are you doing?
01:47And you're always thrilled.
01:49LAUGHTER
01:50But there's a genuine thing that I noticed in Dublin earlier in the year, an amazing
01:54thing, an amazing business that I've not got into for a reason that will become really
01:58obvious, but it's incredible.
02:00It's down a genuine lane in Temple Bar, right in the middle of Dublin, called Crane Lane.
02:04And I've never been to it, but you can see it.
02:05You can see sideways down the lane a neon sign, a magical neon sign that has three wonderful
02:11words buzzing away in neon every night.
02:13It just says, lap-dancing casino.
02:18And I've never gone in, because how can it really live up to what's happening in my imagination
02:23every time I see in that, where men furtively walk in going, yeah, I'd love a lap dance, please.
02:31And the guy goes, certainly, sir.
02:33Huh?
02:35Shhh.
02:37Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck.
02:41Jake.
02:42What?
02:44Sometimes you win, sir.
02:45Sometimes.
02:46So if you could just sit there, please.
02:50Yeah, are you in Dublin for work, are you?
02:54Ah, Lord, I love doing this thing, I love doing that.
03:00But there is an element of, you're bobbing around, you know, I'm not getting younger,
03:03you know, aching a bit here and there with it all.
03:05I occasionally get back pain.
03:06I'm a big guy.
03:07I'm a big guy.
03:08You know me.
03:09I'm like, I'm a big guy.
03:10I'm six foot four.
03:12And by the way, long term, interesting note, doctors have said that actually long term,
03:16the greater determinant of my long term health will be my height rather than my weight.
03:20Because of course I will die the death of a tall man.
03:24Which is, of course, to be hit by a bus mirror.
03:31I love that joke, right?
03:35Because tall people really get that joke, right?
03:37Because we've all had a moment to go, Jesus, where did that come from?
03:40Right?
03:41Yeah.
03:42But short people, whoosh.
03:43No.
03:44When you get older, when you get older, yeah, your attitude changes things.
03:56For example, electric bikes.
03:58I love electric bikes.
03:59I use electric bikes all the time.
04:00Like when I was younger, I wouldn't have used electric bikes.
04:02I was in my twenties.
04:03Oh, I'd be insulted by the thought of using electric bikes.
04:06But now I think they're great.
04:07And in fact, studies have shown that if you use electric bikes, you'll ride for longer
04:11and you'll enjoy the ride more.
04:13Sorry, do I keep saying electric bikes?
04:15Viagra.
04:16If you're watching at home, now rewind and re-watch the joke.
04:24It is watertight.
04:25It is absolutely fair.
04:27No, but occasionally you get things like little twinges in the back, for example.
04:31Hey, we all get these things, little problem in the back.
04:33I used to do a thing where I'd go for a massage every so often just to relax the back and all
04:37that, like whatever.
04:38And I remember talking to a friend, also in his 50s, he went, well, hang on, have you
04:41actually hurt your back?
04:42And I said, yeah, yeah, no, it's quite bad.
04:43He said, what are you doing?
04:44Are you going to do a massage?
04:45Oh, yeah, yeah, I do.
04:46Yeah, yeah.
04:47It's all right, you know, he said.
04:48No, no, no, no, no, no.
04:49You don't, no, no.
04:50If you've genuinely hurt yourself, don't go to a, you know, what you mean with like
04:53the whale music and the towels and the whole, yeah, no, no, you go to a physio.
04:56That's who you go to if you've genuinely hurt your back.
04:59Are there any physios in the room?
05:00Viewer.run.
05:01This is the difference you should know, by the way.
05:03People don't know the distinction between these two things.
05:05That is not the same situation.
05:06I went to the physio instead of going for a massage.
05:09Holy shit, it is a different situation in charge, right?
05:12I was trained on like, oh, how soft, how relaxing would you like it to be?
05:16Not with a physio.
05:17A physio couldn't give a shite.
05:19Which, what oil you prefer, doesn't give a dab.
05:23When the massage person goes, I'm just going to go down your arm.
05:25Mmm.
05:26I'm just going to go down the other arm.
05:28No, not the physio.
05:29The physios goes, walk to there.
05:31Yeah, turn around.
05:32Yeah, walk back again.
05:33Yeah, I know what the problem is.
05:34Lie down.
05:35Yeah.
05:36It's here.
05:37It's right here.
05:38And you're on this plank going, Jesus, could you at least do me shoulders just to ease me
05:43in for Christ's sake.
05:46But no, there's no easing in.
05:48It's like, nah, this is what I do.
05:50This is all I do.
05:51I do this for 20 minutes and then you get up, you pay me 60 quid and you piss off.
05:56And it is amazing.
06:01Oh, yeah.
06:02No, once you've had that, you can't go back to the fluffy towels and the essential oils.
06:07Once you've had the heroin, you can't have the chamomile tea.
06:14That's an old saying from the streets of Hammersmith.
06:21But no, it's amazing.
06:23And I feel bad about this because now I never go and get a normal massage, right?
06:26And I feel bad about that, like, whatever.
06:28Because the massage, as we know, oh, massage is a wonderful thing.
06:31It's very, very physical.
06:32It helps people.
06:33It's very, very comfortable for people.
06:34But it's also really unfortunate massage.
06:36And no to anyone who works in massage, it's the only bit of the healthcare industry,
06:40of the whole healthcare world, that has sort of been adopted or stolen by sex workers
06:46for some reason.
06:47And that's really unfortunate because that does, you know, people have made them.
06:51Look, I, I am that soldier, right?
06:54I was in Australia and I twanged me back.
06:56And I walked around this place and Adelaide going,
06:57Jesus, is there anywhere here that does massage?
06:59And a young woman in the newsagent, my own age, like, went,
07:02oh, yeah, there's a massage place over there.
07:03And I presume, well, this is going to be legit.
07:05So she's in her 20s.
07:06I'm in her 20s.
07:07That's crap.
07:08She must be sending me to somewhere good.
07:09Went into the place, walked in, there's a woman there.
07:11And I said, hello, do you do massage?
07:12And she goes, absolutely.
07:13She shows me the board and the prices were on the board.
07:15She said, it's $60 for a massage or $100 for fantasy.
07:20I'm a young and innocent man abroad for the first time.
07:27And I'm going, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
07:30Presuming she's going to go, well, in fantasy, we dress up as orcs.
07:34And we stomp around you, reading out rules and incantations
07:40in an ancient, elvish language.
07:43And then we have a huge sword fight.
07:45And at the end, we take a 20-sided dice,
07:48and we roll the 20-sided dice.
07:50And if you score 18 or more, we wank you off.
08:00But she did not say that.
08:01And I said, I'm sorry, what is fantasy?
08:04She says, well, in fantasy the masseuse takes off her top.
08:08And I instantly turned into every innocent 1930's Irishman abroad.
08:13In the writing of our notes, I started going,
08:15oh, oh Jesus, no, stop, no,
08:15oh Jesus, no, sacred heart, no I can't be, ah, stop!
08:20And started backing out in the room,
08:21Oh no, oh no, no judging, no judging!
08:23You do you, you do whatever you have to do,
08:25but uh, oh Jesus, what's my mother say?
08:28Oh God, she's not even dead, why am I looking?
08:30looking to heaven. Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it. Like, whatever. I absolutely was not.
08:35Ah, no, no. And she said, what's wrong? And I said, ah, no. I said, oh, no, no, I've
08:38misunderstood. I've misunderstood. I said, no, no, I've genuinely hurt my back and I
08:43genuinely need somebody to do some work to help me, you know, because I've hurt my
08:46back, right? And God love her. This woman running a rub and tug joint in Adelaide
08:52genuinely looked at me and said, we can give it a go.
09:00With a real Australian can-do spirit. No one's ever asked for that before, you pervert.
09:06God love massage. It's the only field that's how you get mixed up with the sex industry.
09:14You've never gone for a dental appointment. And a new dentist, and then you walk in and
09:21the woman's at the desk going, oh, at the 2.30, absolutely, you just wait in there. And
09:25you sit, you know, on that, like that vinyl slopey chair with the weird shape and you're
09:28just sitting there going, okay, well, I hope I can thumb on my tooth. My tooth's really
09:32hurting. I hope I can thumb about my tooth, like whatever. And the dentist goes, okay,
09:35yeah, are you my 2.30 instead? And I said, yeah, okay, well, we'll just get started.
09:39And then the music starts and starts going, wah, bah, bah. What? Are you a sexy dentist?
09:46And the dentist goes, yes, is this not what you're looking for? No, I genuinely hurt my tooth.
09:51I can give it a go.
09:53No, hold on. Any one of those things? Look, the one thing we should, and I feel proud in
10:01taking this, as an older person doing, like a broadly younger audience, you should know
10:04this, like whatever. People worry about other health in many different ways. One thing you
10:07should do is none of us reach the finishing line of this race intact. None of us, no matter
10:13how healthy we are, none of us are 100% what was promised by the time we finish our lives.
10:19Bits have either fallen off, been cut off, never arrived. All of us have an inventory
10:25of stuff that we should have, but we don't have. And sometimes very simple, there, there's
10:29a good one to start with. I, for example, only have three wisdom teeth. The first three
10:33came up normally, and the fourth one, all the first two had to be removed when they came
10:38up because they were caught in all sort of misshaping of the teeth, like whatever. And
10:40the fourth one clearly saw all this happening, went, oh, no, that's a bit of a bother. And
10:44then just disappeared into my body and never appeared again. Much more dramatically, though,
10:51right? When I was 18, I went into hospital for a procedure called an orchidectomy. Now,
10:59so many people know that there's an orchidectomy is the surgical open, it'll open you up basically
11:04to search and remove an undescended testicle. Because orchid, unbelievably, orchid makes no sense
11:13whatsoever, is the medical word for testicle. Orchid testicle. There's no reason you can't,
11:19there must be some weird meeting of the Royal Society of Medicine back in the 1700s when
11:24they're naming body parts, right? And there's all these gentlemen doctors with long beards
11:28and frock coats going, well, gentlemen, we've done wonderful work today. We've named the medulla
11:32oblongata, the gluteus maximus, and the clavicle. But now I'm afraid we must name a more delicate
11:39part of the body, a more private part of the body, a genital part of the body. And all the
11:4817th century men go, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur. And then at the back, one voice
11:53goes, uh, perhaps I can help. And they're all trying to go, oh, Dr. Foo-Foo-le-Floof.
12:07Is there something you wish to add at this stage? I would merely say, if you have to name this
12:13most delicate region of the body, we should name it after the thing it most resembles, which
12:18is, of course, a flower. Because like the flower, this part of the body, at the start
12:28of the day, its petals are closed. But slowly over the course of the day, its petals open,
12:34releasing its sweet perfume into the air, drawing you in until you bury your face within the
12:40folds of the flower. And then you taste upon your tongue the sweet nectar. If we ought to
12:46name it after the flower, we should name it after the most beautiful flower of all, which
12:49is, of course, the orchid. Uh, okay, well, uh, sure, big hairy balls, orchid. Let's go on.
12:57What? I wasn't talking about the man. I was talking about the lady. This is a terrible mistake.
13:02Oh, we've already pressed send. So orchid stuck, right? And I, at that age, had to go into a
13:11hospital to have a conversation with a doctor about it. And this is kind of a scary thing to
13:14look into a crowd. But I tell it for a good reason. Because I'm going to repeat a conversation
13:17here that other men may have to have in their lives, often because of cancer, but you should
13:20actually know how this conversation goes. I, a very scared 18-year-old, stood in front of
13:24this doctor and said, Jesus, if I'm missing one of my testicles, how is it going to affect
13:27major things in my life? He said, what do you mean? He said, well, how is it going to affect
13:31my sex drive? And he says, it doesn't affect your sex drive in any way. And it does not.
13:35I said, well, how is it going to affect my fertility? He said, it doesn't affect your fertility
13:39in any way. And it does not. Draw your own conclusions from that.
13:50But I said, so it doesn't affect it anyway. He said, no. He said, you mean you can lose
13:5350% of the system. And it makes no, he said, it makes no difference whatsoever. There is
13:58a lot of redundancy built into the human body. It makes no difference at all. He said, that's
14:02amazing. So having one testicle is no different than having two. And I will always remember this.
14:07The doctor said, no, he said, unlike people who have two testicles, if you only have one
14:13testicle, you'll have no depth perception in your testicles. And when you jizz, you'll have
14:27no idea if you've jizzed big and far away or small and relatively nearby. Can I step out of the show
14:34for a second and go, that is totally my favourite joke of my entire career? By no means the
14:40biggest guaranteed laugh, but the people who get it, get it big, right? And the people who
14:45don't, hello, eh, shh. And they're going, I didn't get that a joke at all. Two eyes, one eye,
14:49look it up. Anyway, here's the actual punchline. They opened me up, they looked, and they
14:53couldn't find anything. So for 35 years, I've had a testicle and a tooth wandering, randomly
15:00through my body.
15:03APPLAUSE
15:07Having... God knows what adventures they've been having over the years. They've probably
15:14joined up and go around solving crimes together. Oh no, there's been a murder in the spleen.
15:20We better call Bitey and the Shudder, they'll know what to do. Hey boss, why don't you call
15:26him the Shudder? Ah, give him a poke, you'll find out soon enough.
15:33Look, I'll leave you one very, very simple story, which I quite like, and it's again a
15:37totally true story. Not long ago, I was sitting at home with the kids, watching TV, right,
15:41watching TV, mind of my own business, when my wife called from the room, the room with
15:45the dryer, the washer dryer, the tumble dryer, the utility room, whatever you want to call it,
15:49right, there's a room there. And she took her head on the door and said, Dara, can you
15:52come in here, please? So I walked in and said, what, what is it? And she said, can you help
15:57me fold these sheets? I said, are you out of your mind? There was a minute, I said, folding
16:02sheets? Are you crazy? Are you gone in the head, woman? Like, whatever. If you're going
16:05to ask me to fold sheets, you say, Dara, can you come in here and fold sheets? You do not
16:09go, Dara, can you come in here, please? Which is the international code for grown-ups to say,
16:14I found something terrible, we must discuss it away from the children. Can you come in here now,
16:19where we can have a proper conversation about that? Geez, I said, I shot myself on that
16:23walk from the television to here going, what has she found? What has she, when I walk in,
16:27she'll be holding a bag of banknotes that she discovered behind some towels over there,
16:31or she'll, I discovered a door to a cellar she never knew that the house had. I said,
16:35at the very least, be holding my laptop, if you're going to say. Dara, can you come in
16:42here now, please? She said, what about these sheets? Ah, another time, I said, and walked
16:47away. Anyway, so, you don't know that you were part of a test there, and you passed it
16:53more than you could possibly imagine, right? Yeah. Because one of the joys of doing this
16:56job is you find a cultural difference that you never knew existed, and then you uncover
17:01it in a gig by total accident, right? Know this, I told that joke a million times, both in the UK and
17:07Ireland. Every single time I get to that line in Ireland, Dara, can you come in
17:12here now, please? An Irish audience erupts into, oh, you're in trouble now. What have
17:21you been up to? Oh, you devil, right? And every audience in Britain, including
17:27tonight, including 3,500 people, tonight, always, oh, I wonder what she needs them
17:33for. Every night. Every night in Ireland, the crowd are going, you hound, you filthy hound,
17:48you devil, you've been up to no good, oh, you've been caught, you've been caught
17:51undeservedly so, you mad monkey, right? And every audience, including tonight in Britain,
17:56goes, oh, the rest of this anecdote must take place in the other room.
18:00So, congratulations for falling into my trap. Anyway, we have a glorious
18:09evening of comedy ahead of you. Looking forward to seeing our excellent
18:11gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, you're going to have way another time in this
18:16company. Could you please lift the roof in the Apollo for Jack Skipper?
18:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:35Well, Kyle, how we doing? We all right?
18:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:38Yeah, this is nice, isn't it? Enjoying a bit of comedy? Having a laugh? You know?
18:42Actually, I've noticed this thing with comedy lately, though. When people go see comedy
18:45shows nowadays, they don't just want to laugh, do they? They want to learn something,
18:49you know? They want to walk away going, ooh, ooh, he really made me think. I was rolling
18:55round on the floor thinking. But just to let you know, you're going to learn
19:00fuck all from me. Yeah, you're going to walk out thicker than when you came in.
19:05So I hope you enjoy my comedy, but just to make you aware, I am popular with thick people.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:15So you might have that moment of realisation when you walk out, you know?
19:18You go, oh, I enjoyed that.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:24I'll be honest, mate, you look overqualified to be in the audience.
19:27LAUGHTER
19:28You'll be all right.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:32Well, whatever I do, I love comedy, man. I love doing that.
19:35I haven't always been a comedian, though, no. I used to be a carpet fitter.
19:40Cheers.
19:43I weren't just any old carpet fitter, though, no, no, no.
19:45According to my checker trade rating, I was the 14th best carpet fitter
19:51in the whole Croydon area!
19:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:55Yeah!
19:56He's star-struck, look.
19:58I've just noticed a few people going like that.
20:00I told you it was him.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:05But it was the very first job I had when I left school,
20:07the very first carpet shop I went into,
20:09the geezer gave me a job cos he saw something in me.
20:11He did, he looked at me and went, you've got it.
20:14You've got it.
20:15And all my fitters here, they've all got it.
20:17And do you know what they've got?
20:18No qualifications.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:22Cos I ain't.
20:24Got none.
20:25Got no GCSEs.
20:26Look, I even failed the exams I thought was gonna be easy, you know?
20:29Like, I failed RE.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33Religious education, man.
20:34I couldn't believe it when I found out.
20:36It was like, you failed RE.
20:38I was like, oh, Jason, Christ.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:53I just found school pointless, though, you know?
20:55It was like pointless lessons teaching me pointless skills I didn't need.
20:58Like, I'd be doing gymnastics,
21:00and then I'd have some teacher telling me off,
21:02shouting at me, going,
21:03Point your toes!
21:05You know, I don't need to point my toes.
21:06There's no job that requires me to point my toes, you know?
21:09It's not like I'm gonna be, like, an estate agent or something, you know?
21:13As you can see, here's the kitchen.
21:15LAUGHTER
21:21Two bedrooms, you know.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:25As I say, it's nice to be out, innit?
21:29Nice to be out, enjoying the show, having a few drinks.
21:31I'm actually trying to cut back on the drinking lately,
21:33cos...
21:34But basically, what it is, I've got two small children, right?
21:36And I'll tell you something about these small children that I've got.
21:38They've got absolutely no respect for hangovers.
21:41LAUGHTER
21:42Little bastards.
21:44I've had a few beers on a Friday night.
21:46Saturday mornings, they're getting me up early.
21:48Like, proper early. It's still dark.
21:50We're still watching sign language on the news.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:57You can't tell them off, can you?
21:59So I just sort of get up and do what I'm told,
22:01but I just sit there looking at them from the other side of the room
22:03thinking, yeah, I'll get you back.
22:05Yeah, cos one day they'll grow up, and they'll start drinking,
22:08then I'm gonna do back some of the weird shit they've done to me
22:11when I've been hungover.
22:12I've got it all planned out, right?
22:13What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna wait until I've had a big night out,
22:16then I'm gonna storm into my daughter's bedroom
22:18at six o'clock in the morning,
22:21dressed as Elsa from Frozen.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:26And I'm gonna demand that we make jelly.
22:29LAUGHTER
22:34And then I'm gonna go out to my son's room,
22:36and I'm gonna do roly-polies on his bed, bodop-naked.
22:40LAUGHTER
22:45That's how he likes it.
22:47Put my bum in his face, like...
22:57Cos it's hard, modern parenting.
22:58Like, I grew up in the 90s, it was easier for my parents.
23:00Like, with parenting nowadays, there's rules.
23:02Like, I do my kids' packed lunches, right?
23:04With packed lunches nowadays, there's rules.
23:06It's gotta be healthy.
23:07It's like no crisps, no chocolate,
23:09a certain amount of fruit and veg.
23:11Like, when I look back,
23:12you could've put ten Benson in my lunchbox.
23:15LAUGHTER
23:18No-one would give a shit.
23:20Like, when I look back on my diet in the 90s,
23:23it just feels like one relentless montage of ham.
23:33Shit, cheap ham.
23:35Came in a wad.
23:39He'd pierce the film when that gas would come out,
23:41like...
23:45He fired in the ham!
23:46LAUGHTER
23:51So much of it as well, every meal.
23:52Ham sandwiches, ham salads, ham egg and chips.
23:55Like, if my mum had a party,
23:57she'd use the same shit ham,
23:59but to make it look a little bit more fancy,
24:01she'd roll it up.
24:07Like, people should be impressed
24:09that she spent all her afternoons skinning up ham, just...
24:13LAUGHTER
24:15LAUGHTER
24:23Some of the shit she used to feed us.
24:24Like, she'd do this thing, right?
24:25If we was going on holiday,
24:26the week before the holiday,
24:27she'd refuse to buy any food.
24:31She'd have to start surviving off stuff in the freezer.
24:34And then she starts concocting these mental dinners,
24:36like...
24:37oven chips and Yorkshire puddings.
24:41That one fish finger that got loose
24:42and stuck itself to the back of the freezer.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:48They'd dig that off.
24:50It's like, Mum, can't we just buy her some food?
24:53Shut up and eat your wedding cake!
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56I'll tell you what, though, like, the 90s feels like a long time ago now.
25:08I'm feeling a bit older.
25:09I'll tell you what's making me feel a bit older.
25:10Like, I don't understand young people any more.
25:12I don't understand what they're saying.
25:13They've got their own little language, aren't they?
25:15No matter where they're from.
25:16They could have, like, a privileged, middle-class upbringing,
25:20but they all sort of talk like they're gangsters from the ghetto,
25:22innit?
25:23Like...
25:24You don't know what it's like for me growing up in a semi-detached, man.
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28Man's had to survive on two holidays a year, you get me?
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34I had one of them come up to me and say, I had a gig recently.
25:38He was like, oh, you're that comedian, innit?
25:40I've seen your stuff, man, you are jokes.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44I'm not gonna lie.
25:47I was like, where are you from, mate?
25:48He went, Windsor.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:56I'm not gonna lie.
25:58They love not gonna lie, don't they? Not gonna lie.
26:00Yeah, they've abbreviated it.
26:01They put it in their text messages now.
26:03They've written, N-G-L.
26:04Not gonna lie.
26:05I didn't know what that was for ages.
26:06And I used to work with this young fella,
26:07and he'd text me things like, yeah, I'll be honest,
26:09I'm not gonna make it into work tomorrow, N-G-L.
26:12And for ages, I was like...
26:14Does he think I'm called Nigel?
26:16LAUGHTER
26:28But do you know what?
26:29I don't think I'd wanna be young nowadays.
26:30Young people nowadays, they're boring, innit?
26:32And when I was about 16, I was out making a nuisance of myself,
26:35you know?
26:36They're all in the gym now.
26:38There was these 16-year-olds in the gym the other day,
26:40discussing their diet.
26:42Like, when I was growing up,
26:4316-year-old lads weren't on diets, you know?
26:45That was for my mum and her friends.
26:48They go, Weight Watchers.
26:51And eat Jacket Potatoes.
26:53That's all it was.
26:54Tuna, sweet, on Jacket Potatoes.
26:57Cheese and beans, Jacket Potatoes.
26:59Ham, Jacket Potatoes.
27:04But there was this one young lad, he was so boring, right?
27:05He was talking about his breakfast, right?
27:07He was going, yeah, I had four eggs.
27:09I had four eggs for breakfast.
27:13And I was thinking, mate, sort it out.
27:16Like, when I was 16, if I had four eggs,
27:19I'd throw them at a bus.
27:22But I do feel sorry for him growing up in this world, though.
27:24It's a weird old world at the moment, isn't it?
27:25Like, you get the impression, don't you,
27:26that everyone's struggling mentally.
27:27But at the same time,
27:28we've never lived in a time of such privilege.
27:29We've never had so many services available to us
27:30we don't even need.
27:31Like, I just think that parallel's mad, isn't it?
27:32Like, everyone's down, depressed, anxious,
27:34but at the same time, if you wanted to,
27:36you could get your anus bleached.
27:38You know, so you might be in a dark place.
27:39Uh-oh.
28:09So, yeah, man, late 30s now,
28:11and I am genuinely trying to cut back on the drinking,
28:13but it's not going well.
28:15Because, basically, what it is,
28:16drinking is how I unwind,
28:17and I haven't found anything to replace it with.
28:19That's the problem.
28:20Like, I spoke to a mate about it,
28:21I asked him how he unwinds,
28:22because he doesn't drink,
28:23and he said he has a bath.
28:26I was like, that's not the same as drinking, is it?
28:29Like, you can't imagine being at home,
28:30the missus goes to bed early, and you're like...
28:34That's handy.
28:35I might have a couple of baths.
28:44Well, you can't imagine bumping into an old friend, you know?
28:51Say hello, mate.
28:53Yeah, give me a call sometime.
28:56We'll have a bath together.
29:02But it's a shame, man,
29:03because it's my favourite hobby, drinking.
29:04I used to love it.
29:05I used to love a sesh all day, you know?
29:06All day down the pub.
29:07Then someone would have an after-party, you know?
29:09They go, come back to mine.
29:10My missus won't mind.
29:11I'll go back there.
29:12She would mind.
29:17But I wouldn't let it stop me, man.
29:19I'll keep partying on through.
29:20Keep going through till that 7 o'clock in the morning,
29:22wait for the off-licence to open,
29:23go back down there, crack on,
29:24wouldn't even question it.
29:25Fast forward to your late 30s,
29:27I was indoors the other evening about half-eight,
29:29and nowadays, half-eight,
29:30it's too late for me to eat cheese.
29:37Can't do late-night cheese any more, man.
29:40I had a bit of cheese the other night,
29:41come out of my house the next day,
29:42my neighbour saw me,
29:43he went,
29:44look rough.
29:47Been on the packet.
29:50I was like, yeah, mate, Cathedral City.
29:56You know, it's like after a couple of baths.
30:02Thought I'd call it on.
30:04Woke up next day,
30:05I'd done three bowls of Radox,
30:06a couple of grams of Parmesan.
30:11Right on session.
30:15Thank you very much,
30:16thank you very much,
30:17thank you very much.
30:18Thank you very much,
30:19thank you.
30:30Jack Skipper!
30:34Now, keep that applause going
30:35for being on your second act,
30:36Razor for Felicity Ward.
30:38Oh, my God.
30:39Hello, how are you?
30:40Are you good?
30:41Good!
30:44Hello, my name's Felicity.
30:45I'm very, very excited to be here.
30:47I'm Australian,
30:48but I've lived over here for a long time,
30:51and I have just got my British driver's licence.
30:53And look, it's great.
30:54I'm having a wonderful time,
30:55but I just think, as a foreigner,
30:56it would be very helpful when we pass our test
30:58if you just give us a couple of tips that aren't on it,
30:59but are absolutely imperative to drive in the UK.
31:01So what I would have liked to have happened is,
31:02he would have given me my licence and he would have said,
31:04congratulations.
31:05Well, he wouldn't,
31:06he's English,
31:07but I am not a European driver's license.
31:08I'm not an Australian,
31:09but I've lived over here for a long time,
31:10and I have just got my British driver's licence.
31:12And look,
31:13it's great,
31:14I'm having a wonderful time,
31:15but I just think,
31:16as a foreigner,
31:17it would be very helpful when we pass our test
31:18if you just give us a couple of tips that aren't on it,
31:21but are absolutely imperative to drive in the UK.
31:24So what I would have liked to have happened
31:26is he would have given me my licence and he would have said,
31:28congratulations.
31:29Well,
31:30he wouldn't,
31:31he's English.
31:32So he would have said,
31:34and then he would have said,
31:38just before you get in the car,
31:40do you know about indicators?
31:42And I would have said,
31:43yes,
31:44you indicate left to go left,
31:45indicate right to go right.
31:47And he would say,
31:48do not use them under any circumstances.
31:51They are considered a sign of weakness in our culture.
31:56And then he would say,
31:58do you know about mini roundabouts?
31:59And I go,
32:00yes,
32:01same principle as a regular roundabout,
32:02only smaller.
32:03And he would say,
32:04you know what?
32:05They're just some circles that we painted on the ground in 1975.
32:08What I want you to do is approach it like a four-way game of deathly chicken.
32:13I'm talking pedal to the floor,
32:16close your eyes,
32:17wrong side of the road,
32:18doesn't matter.
32:19Whoever gets there first wins,
32:20and whoever gets there second dies.
32:22Now,
32:23do you know about using high beams?
32:25And I would say,
32:26yes,
32:27when there's no oncoming traffic,
32:28no,
32:29on street lighting.
32:30And he would say,
32:31yes,
32:32and we have also created our own Morse code system,
32:36with which we use to communicate to each other.
32:38So we flash once to say,
32:40thank you.
32:41And we flash twice to say,
32:43you come forward.
32:44I'll wait here.
32:45The road is too narrow.
32:47And we flash 800 times to say,
32:51you are in the wrong lane on the motorway, sir.
32:54Please kindly move over to your left.
32:57And finally,
33:00he would say,
33:01do you know about British country roads?
33:05And I would say,
33:08no,
33:09what are they?
33:10Three,
33:11four lanes wide?
33:13And he would say,
33:16they are the width of a Nissan Micra.
33:19And I'd say,
33:20two way,
33:21my God,
33:22that sounds hectic.
33:23I'm assuming then the road is very long and straight.
33:28So you can see what is cut.
33:31And he would say,
33:32it is hairpin bend,
33:33after hairpin bend,
33:35after hairpin bend.
33:37Potholes,
33:38no guttering,
33:39no marking,
33:40no street lights,
33:41horses,
33:42tractors,
33:43and it's all set in a hedge maze.
33:46So you can never prepare visually or audibly
33:49for what is coming at you next.
33:53And I would say,
34:01my God,
34:02that sounds treacherous.
34:04It must take so long to get anywhere,
34:08because surely,
34:11under those conditions,
34:16I'm assuming,
34:18the speed limit
34:21the speed limit
34:22to the speed limit.
34:23What is it,
34:2410,
34:2515 miles an hour?
34:26And he'd laugh in my dirty little face.
34:28And I'd say,
34:29not 20 miles an hour,
34:30and he'd say,
34:3160 British miles an hour!
34:33Unless,
34:34of course,
34:35you're local,
34:36then by all means,
34:37go as fast as you possibly can.
34:39Tailgate,
34:40beep your horn,
34:41flash your lights.
34:42They should just have signs that say,
34:43speed up or die,
34:44potty!
34:49So it is always lovely to arrive alive.
34:54I might,
34:55I might have ADHD.
34:56I don't definitely know that.
34:58I don't like to say that I have anything
34:59that I haven't been formally diagnosed with.
35:01But there has been some signs.
35:03The first one was in 1999,
35:06when I worked for a retired nurse at a cafe.
35:09And two weeks into working there,
35:10she said,
35:11Felicity,
35:12can you have some of my son's Ritalin?
35:14You definitely have ADHD.
35:16And I thought,
35:17you know what?
35:18Let's find this out for sure,
35:20for real,
35:21if that's the case.
35:22So I went straight to the GP,
35:2424 years later,
35:25and I got a referral to get tested for ADHD.
35:29And then I lost that referral.
35:31And then I went back to the doctor five years later
35:34to get another referral
35:36to get tested for ADHD.
35:38And then I also lost that referral.
35:40And I think that's the test.
35:49Now,
35:50you have been absolutely delightful.
35:51This has been a wonderful audience.
35:53So I'd like to leave you respectfully
35:55on a seven minute routine on fingering.
35:58Now,
35:59I'm going to do this gig right,
36:00and in the front row is 20 18 year old boys.
36:04Yuck!
36:05Now,
36:06I'm joking.
36:07I love men.
36:08A little bit too much.
36:09I'm a predator.
36:10I...
36:11I wasn't vaccinated as a child.
36:13One of those things is true.
36:14Anyway,
36:15I got whooping cough when I was four.
36:16Mum really showed the government,
36:17didn't she?
36:18Anyway,
36:19it's not about her.
36:20Isn't it?
36:21Why else would I be doing stand up comedy?
36:22Anyway,
36:23I'm joking.
36:24It was dad.
36:25So I'm doing this gig.
36:26Front row 18 year old boys, right?
36:27And there's a boy over here.
36:28He's got a pink shirt on,
36:29and the host is making fun of him.
36:30In a very loving way,
36:31everyone's having a good time.
36:32He introduces me,
36:33I come out,
36:34and I pretend that I'm very faux-offended on his behalf.
36:36And I say,
36:37do you know what, mate?
36:38If you want to wear a pink shirt,
36:39you wear a pink shirt.
36:40Toxic masculinity is bullshit.
36:41You probably drink rosé
36:43and finger women at the weekend
36:45as a feminist act.
36:46Now,
36:47I don't know.
36:48I'm joking.
36:49I'm joking.
36:50It was dad.
36:51I'm joking.
36:52It was dad.
36:53So I'm doing this gig.
36:54Front row 18 year old boys,
36:55right?
36:56And there's a boy over here.
36:57He's got a pink shirt on,
36:58and the host is making fun of him
36:59in a very loving way.
37:00Everyone's having a good time.
37:01Now,
37:02if I had my time again,
37:04I would not say fingering.
37:06I would say cunnilingus.
37:09Because no woman
37:11is choosing fingering
37:13from a straight man.
37:21And what you're hearing there
37:23is a lot of women
37:24deeply relating to what I'm saying.
37:26And what you're not hearing
37:29is the deafening silence
37:31of all the straight men
37:32going,
37:33what?
37:38And these next six minutes
37:39are for you.
37:42So I said to him,
37:43you probably finger women
37:44at the weekend as a feminist act.
37:46Now, I say that,
37:47and the entire group turn
37:49and look at another boy
37:51in the group.
37:52All of them.
37:53They look at him like this.
37:54They're whispering.
37:55They're elbowing each other.
37:56They're pointing.
37:57And I'm like,
37:58what's going on over here?
37:59And I said,
38:00what's your name, mate?
38:01And he said,
38:02fingering Pat.
38:03Now.
38:04I said,
38:05Pat,
38:06are you very bad at fingering?
38:07And he said,
38:08huh?
38:09If the rumours are true,
38:12if the rumours!
38:14Do you know how bad at fingering
38:16you need to be at age 18?
38:19That not just the recipient knows,
38:21but 19 of your closest friends.
38:25And I said,
38:26you know what, mate?
38:27I'm not even going to do jokes tonight.
38:28I'm just going to give you tips.
38:29He said,
38:30please.
38:31He said,
38:32please.
38:33He said,
38:34please.
38:35He said,
38:36please.
38:37And so I am going to tell you those tips tonight.
38:40Hopefully they will be of some use to you.
38:43And you can take them home with you.
38:45So this is what I told him.
38:46And I'm going to tell you.
38:47So tip number one.
38:50Can you feel the tension in the room though?
38:52Can you feel?
38:54You just feel all the straight dudes going,
38:56please don't say my signature move.
38:58Please.
38:59Please.
39:00She loves it.
39:01She doesn't.
39:02Number one.
39:03Number one.
39:04Going in and out as hard and as fast as you can
39:07is enjoyable to no one.
39:09To no one.
39:10To no one.
39:11To no one.
39:12To no one.
39:13Why are you going back?
39:14Why are you trying to get to the back?
39:16Why are you trying to get elbowed?
39:19Like you don't...
39:22If you touch the back,
39:24that's a cervix.
39:25It's not for you.
39:26It's for a doctor.
39:27Leave it alone.
39:28Leave it alone.
39:29Yeah?
39:30Rule number two.
39:31If you're a beginner.
39:32If you're unsure.
39:33Spend more time on the outside than you do on the inside.
39:36Yeah?
39:37Going inside is a sometimes food.
39:39Yeah?
39:40I don't know if you've ever seen a symphony before,
39:42but what is it?
39:43All the way through?
39:44Strings.
39:45Isn't it?
39:46Strings, strings, strings.
39:47Every now and again.
39:48Every now and again.
39:51If you went to the orchestra and it was just timpity,
39:53timpity, timpity, timpity, timpity, timpity, timpity, timpity, timp.
39:55Tippity, tippity, tippity Tiff, tippity, tippity, timp, ty, tippity, tippity, tippity,
40:00Tippity, tippity, gib, timp, tim, timp, timpie, timpie, timpie, pani, pani,
40:07dipty, tippity, you'd get up and you would leave and you would ask for your money back
40:20Rule number three, use your mouth. Use your mouth.
40:24The hand and the mouth, they're a great team.
40:27They look after each other when they're tired.
40:29They cover for each other's mistakes.
40:31The hand and the mouth is the feel-good movie of the year.
40:35It's Batman and Robin. It's Bonnie and Clyde.
40:38It's Wallace and Gromit.
40:40And if you feel nervous about going down on a woman,
40:43just pop them in, yeah?
40:45You get fresh breath, she gets an Arctic surprise.
40:50Number four, all the dudes are like,
40:52what was number two again? What was number two?
40:55And all the queer women are smoking a cigar,
40:57they're like, we could have told you this a long time ago,
40:59but go on as you were.
41:01Rule number four, personal choice, stop using your thumb.
41:04You're mashing away down there, it's got no nuance,
41:06doesn't know what it's doing. It's out of control.
41:08You know what a thumb's good for? A lighter that you can't get going.
41:11Don't stick that on the most sensitive part of our entire body.
41:15And while we're there, don't do it on the back either.
41:17Just because it can go in doesn't mean it has to.
41:21Do you know what fits perfectly into an electrical socket?
41:24A knife. But we don't...
41:26It's dangerous, isn't it? We don't do that.
41:31I will finish on this. Number five.
41:33It's not even a joke.
41:34It's just a public service announcement.
41:36There are two questions that will drastically improve your sex life
41:40if you are not saying these already.
41:42Two questions. The first one is,
41:44is there anything else you would like me to do?
41:46That's all you have to ask.
41:47Is there anything else you'd like me to...
41:49There's an unsatisfied woman clapping over there.
41:51Thank you!
41:5360 years we've been married!
41:57Not once!
41:59I swear to God, if everyone was asking that question
42:05every time we had sex, within 10 years, no war.
42:10If you were sexually satisfied, you'd go,
42:12you know what, I'll press the nuclear button tomorrow.
42:15We're going to leave it today.
42:16Now, the second question,
42:18and this is the most important question
42:20to ask any woman over the age of 35,
42:23because we never got asked this as a teenager.
42:26And the question is,
42:28are you enjoying this?
42:32Are you enjoying this?
42:33We never got asked that as a teenager.
42:35Because if we had been,
42:37we would have unanimously said,
42:39oh, no.
42:42Please stop,
42:44or I will tell 19 of your closest friends.
42:47I have been Felicity Ward,
42:49you have been unbelievable.
42:50Thank you so much.
42:51Have a great night!
43:00Ladies and gentlemen,
43:02Felicity Ward!
43:05And that brings an end to tonight's show.
43:08Give it up to both tonight's.
43:09Firstly, Jack Skipper!
43:13And then, wonderfully, Felicity Ward!
43:17It's genuinely a delight of an audience.
43:20It's been lovely to talk to you.
43:21I'm Darren Breen,
43:22from Live in Apollo,
43:23goodnight.
43:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:26That's all.
43:52You
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