- 5 hours ago
It's Herman's 3 year anniversary in the Research department. Movie star Thomas Alan Edwards wants to observe him for a role. Edwards starts copying and annoying him.
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00:00Well, get ready for another day of the same old dull routine.
00:08Morning, Hetty. What's new?
00:10Nasty comment?
00:12Well, that pinball drawing on your forehead is new.
00:17Morning, Louise.
00:19Personal problem?
00:20I got a big problem, Herman.
00:23Our friends are so predictable. Every day, the same problems and stories and comments.
00:29Look, Louise has a problem, and no matter how bored you may be with all of this, she's our friend and we must help her.
00:35What's the problem, Louise?
00:36I don't know what to do about this guy I like.
00:39I have no patience for this, Louise. Get a clue.
00:43We'll talk later.
00:44Herman!
00:46Today's a special day. Do you know what it is?
00:49The anniversary of the Dewey Decimal System.
00:54Don't ever mock the Dewey Decimal System.
00:59All right.
01:00Today is your anniversary.
01:02Surprise!
01:03Congratulations, Herman.
01:04Today you've been at Waterton in the research department for three years.
01:08Pretty cool, huh?
01:10Yeah, pretty cool.
01:13So, come on, make a wish.
01:14Blow out the candle.
01:16Wait, what do we wish for?
01:18Well, her name is Ashley.
01:20Her hobbies include cooking, macrame, and world peace.
01:27Look, we have been in the same place with the same people for three years and we're sick of it.
01:33There's only one thing we can wish for.
01:35I wish we had a new life!
01:37Hobbies include cooking, macrame, and world peace.
01:39Will you cut it out?
01:44This city is exciting.
01:46Dangerous.
01:48Troubled.
01:50That woman is not wearing underwear.
01:52Is that all you can think about?
01:55Food and sex?
01:56Yes.
01:57Focus!
01:58Focus!
01:59Focus!
02:01Yeah!
02:05Hey!
02:09No drivers from all the park.
02:11Petty, hold the elevator.
02:13Petty!
02:14I think Louise is so sweet.
02:16I think this woman is wearing underwear.
02:19I think Louise is so sweet.
02:22I think this woman is wearing underwear.
02:25I think there's too many people in this elevator.
02:29And I think you are all idiots.
02:31Let's go to work!
02:55Louise, do you ever feel like you're in a rut?
02:56Like your life isn't going anywhere?
02:57Like it's the same thing day after day?
02:58Oh, fine.
02:59Maybe it is.
03:00That doesn't give you the right to come over here and rub it in.
03:01Louise, I'm talking about my life.
03:02Oh, in that case, what the hell's wrong with you?
03:03Cheer up!
03:04God, you're downer!
03:05I just feel like my life is so dull.
03:06Okay, so maybe you're not Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:07Well, I'm not saying I want to be a movie star like Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:08No, Herman.
03:09Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:10No, Herman.
03:11Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:12No, Herman.
03:13Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:14No, Herman.
03:15Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:16Louise, I'm talking about my life.
03:18Oh, in that case, what the hell's wrong with you?
03:20Cheer up!
03:21God, you're downer.
03:23I just feel like my life is so dull.
03:26Okay, so maybe you're not Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:29Well, I'm not saying I want to be a movie star like Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:32No, Herman.
03:33Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:36Louise, that is not Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:38Yeah.
03:39A major movie star would not come into the research room with Mr. Bracken.
03:43Listen up, people.
03:44A major movie star is just coming to the research room with me.
03:49Everyone meet Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:51Oh, Thomas Allen Edwards.
03:53I've seen all of your movies and all of your late night and early morning talk shows plugging fame.
03:58I thought you were so macho and fist of iron and yet so tender and fist of love.
04:05Well, thank you, sweetheart. What's your name?
04:06Louise Spitzer.
04:07And more importantly, my name is Hedy Newman.
04:10You're my biggest fan.
04:12Don't you mean that you're my biggest fan?
04:14Because how could I be your biggest fan?
04:15You'll see.
04:18Mr. Allen Edwards is going to need our assistance.
04:21He's here preparing for his upcoming movie in which he plays a humble magazine researcher
04:26who's called upon to do some top secret research for the President of the United States.
04:31Wow.
04:32Yeah, I think this project will finally show people I can play an intelligent, sophisticated hero.
04:36Uh-huh.
04:37So what's the movie called?
04:38Just the research.
04:39So what kind of preparing do you need to do?
04:44I need to live the life of a researcher.
04:46I need to know what it's like to work in this womb.
04:51What the work feels like.
04:54What it smells like.
04:56What it tastes like.
04:58It's kind of like chicken, huh?
05:03You know, that's funny. That's very funny.
05:05You never know when you have to punch up a script.
05:06Thanks.
05:07Thanks.
05:08In fact, I want to be a writer.
05:09Is that right?
05:10So you want more of life than just to be a researcher, huh?
05:12Yeah.
05:13That's interesting.
05:14Interesting.
05:15What's your name?
05:16Oh, Herman Brooks.
05:17Herman?
05:18Hmm?
05:19You're my character.
05:20You are the guy in Fistle Research.
05:23I'm gonna study you, Herman.
05:24I'm gonna get inside your head.
05:28Well, looks like we're gonna have company.
05:31Wait a minute. I'm not sure I understand.
05:33How are you gonna study me?
05:34Oh yeah.
05:35You look for your mind.
05:36Just to be a researcher, huh?
05:37What's your name?
05:38Oh. Herman Brooks.
05:39Herman, you're my character.
05:41You're my character.
05:44You are the guy in Fistle Research.
05:46I'm going to study you, Herman.
05:47I'm going to get inside your head.
05:48And how are you going to study me?
05:49I'm going to follow you around.
05:51I'm going to follow how you work, how you think, how you feel.
05:54As long as you don't try to find out how I taste.
06:01That's funny.
06:18I'm going to follow you around.
06:48After the swan dies, get back to work.
07:14Look, I understand you need to study me.
07:16But do you have to follow my every move?
07:18Carmen, if I'm going to play you in a movie, I've got to act this like you.
07:20Don't you understand that?
07:21I need to experience what you experienced.
07:24Like, look, for example.
07:26Is there anybody in this office that you slept with?
07:29That is really none of your business.
07:35What, the blonde?
07:36What?
07:38Is there a name of Hattie?
07:39What makes you say that?
07:41Well, it's just when I ask you who you slept with, you looked right at her.
07:44I did not look at her.
07:45I just was glancing over in that general direction.
07:48You slept with the guy?
07:58Oh, I slept with Hattie.
07:59I'm a beast.
08:01Good thing I'm going to cross-examine fist of justice.
08:05Hi, Herman.
08:06Hi, Thomas Allen Edwards.
08:09Listen, Herman, I really need to speak to you in private for a moment.
08:11Gee, whenever Louise has a problem, she kind of comes to me.
08:14So, Louise, if you want to step outside.
08:16No, no, no, no, no.
08:17No, listen, sweetheart.
08:18Whatever you can say to Herman, you can say to me.
08:20As far as you're concerned, I'm Herman.
08:23Oh, well, really, this is kind of embarrassing to say in front of you, but...
08:27Okay, you see, there's this guy I like, and he works on the...
08:30Say no more.
08:31I'll go with you to meet this guy.
08:33I'll talk to him for you.
08:35You'll have a day with this guy in no time.
08:37Don't you worry.
08:38How's that sound?
08:41Louise.
08:44I'm sorry.
08:44When you touched me on my arm, all I could hear in my head was a loud ringing sound.
08:50I just said that I'll set things up with you and this guy.
08:54What guy?
08:57The guy you wanted a date with.
08:59Oh, that guy here?
09:00Oh, boy, that'd be great.
09:02Gee, Herman, he's much better at this than you are.
09:07Hey, Herman.
09:07Oh, hey, Jay.
09:10Jay, this is Thomas Allen Edwards.
09:11I told you how he was going to be observing me.
09:13Yeah.
09:13Thomas Allen, this is my friend Jay I told you about.
09:16Hey, it's really good to meet you.
09:17I'm a very big fan of your movies.
09:19So, what's up, Jay?
09:22That's uncanny, fellas.
09:25I just came by to see if you're up for a little double date action later.
09:28Tonight?
09:28I'm not sure when I'm going to...
09:29Listen, Jay, if Herman doesn't want to double date with you, I'd love to go.
09:33Well, I didn't say I didn't want to.
09:36You would...
09:36Herman, excuse me?
09:37You would do that?
09:38Sure.
09:38Really?
09:39That's incredible.
09:41Don't worry.
09:42You can, you know, take your pick of the women.
09:44In fact, why don't you take them both and I'll just watch.
09:48No, it'll be just like going to one of your movies, except it's not going to cost me $7.50.
09:53Is it?
09:56Because I pay.
09:59That's okay, buddy.
09:59It's on me.
10:00Really?
10:01Sure.
10:02Oh, God, this is...
10:03Excuse me.
10:04This is incredible.
10:06We certainly are making friends around here.
10:09Oh, knew you have.
10:12Have you finished that article on European vacations?
10:14Uh, not yet, sir.
10:15I've been a little distracted.
10:18That's right here, sir.
10:20Here you go.
10:20Right there.
10:21You checked it?
10:22Well, I just watched what Herman here was doing and I cross-checked all the facts against the database.
10:27Well, this looks very professional.
10:30Oh, good work, son.
10:34You know, if this movie thing ever craps out on you, there'll always be a place for you right here in research.
10:39First he's stealing our friends, now he's doing our job.
10:43I know we wanted a new life, but we're losing our old one.
10:46Shortly, he'll leave us with no life at all.
10:48Is having no life really such a tragedy?
10:51After all, in the final analysis, what is life but a meaningless series of events taking place in a random and hostile universe?
11:02You realize that if we didn't have a life, we wouldn't have sex.
11:05I want to live.
11:09Don't be ridiculous.
11:10We're not losing our life.
11:11We're not losing our friends.
11:13We have some of the most loyal friends in the world.
11:15So get this.
11:16There wasn't a real sweat on my face in that, see?
11:18It was club soda.
11:24Come on, lunch is on me, huh?
11:26Oh, isn't it great?
11:27Boy, Herman never buys us lunch.
11:43Herman, have a care of knocking.
11:45Are you crazy just walking to your apartment like that?
11:49What are you doing here?
11:50Listen, sweetheart, could you excuse me and Herman for a second, please?
11:53Sure, I'll just retire to the West Wing.
11:56Who's your biggest fan?
11:57You are.
12:00What is it with you?
12:01Would you lighten up?
12:02I'm just trying to experience what you experienced.
12:04How did you get in here, anyway?
12:06Well, there's a scene in the movie where my character breaks into this guy's house,
12:08so last week I followed this locksmith around.
12:12Would you sleep with everyone you slept with, too?
12:15You know, you're awfully angry, and frankly, I don't buy it.
12:19I don't buy it at all.
12:20I just don't think that Herman would react this way.
12:24You're forgetting something.
12:25What?
12:26I am Herman!
12:29Herman, what are you still doing here?
12:31Living here!
12:32This is me living here!
12:34Well, it is getting old really fast.
12:37All right, enough of this.
12:38Both of you out.
12:39No, no, Herman, I have a better idea.
12:41Listen, it would really help me if I could stay here, you know,
12:43spend the night in my character's place,
12:45experience the sights and the sounds.
12:47And what about the smell?
12:48A little baking soda will clear that right up.
12:52Oh, Herman, I got a hotel suite I'm not even using.
12:55You take it!
12:56You have a hotel suite?
12:56What are you doing in my place?
12:58He's suffering for his art.
13:01Come on, Herman.
13:02In another day or so, I'll better your life completely.
13:05Just please, please, let me stay here.
13:07I don't know.
13:09Herman, I know why you're reacting this way.
13:12You're jealous, aren't you?
13:14But you have absolutely no reason to be.
13:17He is so far out of your league, it's ridiculous.
13:21All right, friend, you want him, you can have him.
13:23Louise can have him, Jay can have him, Mr. Bracken can have him.
13:25I don't care.
13:26I am out of here in your hotel suite.
13:28I think I'm going to play him just a little less bitter.
13:33Hi there!
13:49I'm sorry, is this Thomas Allen Edwards' room?
13:56Of course it is.
13:57There must be some mistake.
13:58He said I could stay here.
14:00Oh, I think our presence is confusing.
14:07We're Thomas Allen's people.
14:09He called us, said you were coming.
14:11We should take care of you.
14:12I'm Mary, Thomas Allen's personal manager and long-time friend.
14:16I'm Jack, a screenwriter and long-time friend.
14:18And I'm Linda, his friend and long-time friend.
14:24Quick, quick, what's their name?
14:27Herman.
14:31Herman!
14:32Herman, right, Herman!
14:34I'm Herman, Thomas Allen's character and long-time Herman.
14:39And that's Tom's bodyguard, his accountant, his hairstylist.
14:44If you need a trim, you just ask him.
14:45You know, you look really tired.
14:47Do you know what I find is so incredible after a long, hard day?
14:51This.
14:52Oh, I love this woman!
14:57Look, can't you see?
14:58She's just an ass-kissing sycophant.
15:02You know, I don't know what that means.
15:04But if it's as good as it sounds, I'm very excited.
15:10So I understand you're a writer.
15:12You know, I could use some help with this Fists of Research screenplay.
15:16I love this man!
15:18I love this whole place!
15:20Oh, my.
15:21Remember when we wished for a new life?
15:23I wonder if this is it!
15:30I had to sneak back into old man Waterton's office,
15:33dressed as his barber.
15:36True story.
15:38True story.
15:38This stuff is perfect for the movie.
15:40You know, you keep telling me stories like this.
15:42I'm going to put your name right on the script next to mine.
15:44Oh.
15:45You are a wonderful storyteller.
15:47What about acting?
15:48Yes.
15:49Oh, no, no.
15:51I want to be a writer, not an actor.
15:53I've bought talent for a living,
15:54and you've got something.
15:56A certain charm.
15:58A certain sex appeal.
15:59Yeah.
16:00Definitely.
16:03Well, I suppose I could write and act.
16:06Yeah!
16:07You know, I would write a vehicle for myself, maybe.
16:09I love it.
16:10Perfect.
16:11Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
16:12I mean, this is fun and all,
16:14but all of a sudden we want to be an actor?
16:15I thought we wanted to be a writer.
16:17But can't you see?
16:18We're making great new friends
16:20and some incredible contacts for a new career.
16:23Our wish for a new life has come true.
16:25Yeah, but why would we want to be an actor?
16:28Okay, that's very nice.
16:29Very nice.
16:30Keep it going.
16:31And, uh, Linda, honey,
16:35uh, I need you to be more, um,
16:37how should I say this in actor's terms?
16:40Be more horny.
16:47Now that's entertainment.
16:49This is going to sound crazy,
16:53but I'm thinking maybe I should move out to Holly.
16:55Oh, yeah.
16:56Hey, if you come out to the coast,
16:59you can stay with me as long as you like.
17:00Or you can stay with me.
17:02Thomas Allen and I have an understanding.
17:06Hey, uh,
17:07maybe this is a good time to have her do that
17:09ass-kissing sicko thing.
17:10But you can't do this.
17:22You just can't do this.
17:23What's going on?
17:24The damn studio's pulling the plug on Tom's movie.
17:26What?
17:27Why?
17:27We've got another movie coming out next week,
17:29and the test audience has hated it.
17:30Now the studio execs are panicking,
17:32but don't worry.
17:33Mary can be a tiger when she has to be.
17:35But I'm telling you, Tom is hot.
17:37America still loves him.
17:38All right, I tried to hell with him.
17:41He's on his way down.
17:43You want somebody who's on his way up?
17:45I've got this other client that's got...
17:47What?
17:49Whoopi Goldberg.
17:50Oh.
17:52They want to do the movie with Whoopi Goldberg.
17:54Give me that.
17:55Hi, this is Jack Begler, the screenwriter.
17:57Yeah.
17:58Listen, I wrote that screenplay with one star in mind,
18:00and it is the most amazing coincidence
18:01that that star happens to be Whoopi Goldberg.
18:05Call me.
18:05So I guess we have to rewrite this thing for Whoopi, right?
18:10We?
18:11What do you mean?
18:11I just thought that you and I were going to...
18:12No, no, no, no.
18:13You see, you're Tom's friend.
18:14And unless you're Whoopi's friend,
18:15we got nothing to talk about.
18:18Yes.
18:19Let me tell you a little something about the movie business.
18:22People get hot very fast.
18:25And they get cold even faster.
18:27Great news, everyone.
18:29I just got on the phone,
18:30and Brad Pitt is in the hotel.
18:32I gotta go.
18:33Brad Pitt?
18:34Oh, I wonder if he's happy with his representation.
18:37Brad and Whoopi?
18:38It could be a researcher buddy movie.
18:39He's straight-laced.
18:40She's sassy.
18:45Where'd everybody go?
18:47It's over, big guy.
18:49I guess in requesting a new life,
18:50we should have asked for one that lasted
18:52for more than one night.
18:53They were just phonies.
18:54They weren't real friends.
18:56I feel so lonely.
18:57Well, our real life is waiting for us back at the office.
19:01There's only one thing we can do now.
19:03Her name is Ashley.
19:04Her hobbies include cooking, macrame, and all...
19:06Well, they're our friends.
19:20Oh, I miss our friends.
19:21I can't believe we were so ready to abandon them.
19:23Yeah, they sure abandoned us
19:25the minute Thomas Allen came along.
19:27But wait a minute, wait a minute.
19:29How can we go back to them
19:30knowing how they felt?
19:31Hey, guys.
19:34Hey!
19:34Hey!
19:35Hey!
19:36Hey!
19:36Hey!
19:39What happened to Thomas Allen Edwards?
19:41Ah, please.
19:42I don't ever want to hear those three names
19:43in the same sentence again.
19:44I thought he was going to fix you up
19:46with that guy you like.
19:46Yeah, well, when push comes to shove,
19:49Thomas Allen can't deliver.
19:51True, her words were never spoken.
19:55That double date was supposed to go on?
19:56It didn't show.
19:58I was like a total idiot.
19:59The woman claimed I lured them there
20:01under false pretenses
20:02just to have sex with them,
20:04which really could not be further from the truth.
20:07Lured them there under genuine pretenses
20:09just to have sex with them.
20:11I was hurt.
20:14Well, so I guess everyone
20:16is pretty much disillusioned with him.
20:17Yeah, well, Mr. Bracken's still crazy about him.
20:20Oh, yeah.
20:20I have never seen him happier
20:21than when Thomas Allen delivered
20:23that whole stack of files yesterday.
20:25He's in there right now
20:26getting all kinds of praise.
20:27Oh, yeah?
20:28Don't give me any of your lip, punk.
20:30Oh, give her that, would you?
20:32Hold it right there.
20:34I want an explanation for this.
20:36What? What?
20:37So I didn't know it's so perfect.
20:38I mean, it looks good, right?
20:40After the first couple, it just got boring.
20:43This is some kind of a game to you, isn't it?
20:46Well, this is no game.
20:48What are you talking about?
20:49It's just fact-checking.
20:50Just fact-checking.
20:55When a fact goes out there and it's incorrect,
20:58then truth itself is a casualty.
21:01And as soon as truth has lost its meaning,
21:03well, son,
21:03the very foundations of this democracy begin to crumble.
21:07For it is truth that separates a dictatorship from a democracy.
21:10And we fact-checkers are the guardians of that truth.
21:13Yeah, we don't need your cut around these parts anyway.
21:21Oh, that's just fine with me.
21:24And I've been living your life,
21:25and I don't want to do it anymore anyway.
21:26I've had it.
21:27Well, to tell you the truth,
21:28I wouldn't want to be living your life either.
21:30Oh, that's just terrific.
21:31Now, if you'll excuse me,
21:32I have a motion picture to make.
21:34Good luck.
21:39All right, people, let's get back to work.
21:41Herman, clean that up for me.
21:43Yes, sir.
21:44Look, I just have to say something.
21:45I just have to say I'm really glad that you're my friend.
21:49You know, I bet I don't have to buy you lunch to impress you.
21:52No, of course not.
21:53Don't be silly.
21:55Of course, breakfast would be nice.
21:56I'd go for some pancakes.
21:57Oh, it's bacon, hey.
21:58Oh, yeah.
21:59Yeah.
22:00All right, let's go.
22:01All right, Herman.
22:03Yeah.
22:04And when a fact goes out there into the world
22:09and it's incorrect,
22:11then the truth itself is a casualty.
22:13And as soon as the truth has lost its meaning,
22:16look out, he's got a gun.
22:17Good evening, everyone.
22:18I'm Jeff Allen.
22:18Here's what's coming up next on Newswatch.
22:20Another drug bust in Johnstown.
22:21We'll have the details.
22:22And I'm Sherry Stalley.
22:24Local men busted in a Thanksgiving drug raid.
22:26We're in court today.
22:27Crime increases in Altoona.
22:29We'll show you how police plan to handle it.
22:30Also ahead, a big airport expansion in Indiana County.
22:33Newswatch at 10 p.m. is coming up next.
22:36Newswatch at 10 p.m. is coming up next.
22:36Newsordo.
22:36Newswatch at 11 p.m. is coming up next.
22:407 p.m. is coming up next.
22:40No.
22:48Oh, yeah.
22:48I'm not going to keep calm.
22:50He'll keep calm around.
22:51That's not what he wants to do.
22:53Give me food.
22:55I'm not going to take.
22:56I'm not going to take off.
22:58Damn it!
22:58Hedy!
23:02Hedy!
23:08Hedy, it's Herman.
23:10Pick up.
23:11Fine, fine.
23:12Don't pick up.
23:13Hedy, I want my key back.
23:14I gave you that key for an emergency.
23:16Not for coming down here and stealing.
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