00:00So if someone is married, so by default that situation becomes a situation of closeness.
00:07So how can in that situation we can avoid from becoming a kid?
00:11Why does each marriage have to be a replica of a million others?
00:16Between you and your partner, define what marriage is going to mean for you.
00:21Why must closeness imply clinging?
00:24I'm asking, why must that be the norm?
00:27We are limited beings and limitation means boundaries.
00:31Spend quality time with each other and then leave each other free, both physically and psychologically.
00:37Any successful marriage will have boundaries.
00:40And if you don't know how to respect those boundaries...
00:43Namaskar Acharya Ji, I'm Dr. Rakshit Deja, I'm a final year student in Lede Ani Mariel College.
00:52So my question is from chapter 67, named when closeness becomes a cage.
00:59So if someone is married, so by default that situation becomes a situation of closeness.
01:06So how can in that situation we can avoid it from becoming a cage?
01:12How can we avoid it from becoming a cage, sir?
01:15And especially if the other partner is not interested in any kind of spirituality or anything.
01:25You see, marriage, we understand it is a ubiquitous, almost a compulsory institution for most people.
01:35But still, there is a lot of room within it for you to define the nitty-gritties, the intricacies.
01:49So marriage is a very broad framework and you must exercise your right to define its internal contours.
02:06The chapter you are quoting says, let closeness not become a cage.
02:17Now, why can't you define closeness within marriage?
02:23Why does each marriage have to be a replica of a million others?
02:30Between you and your partner, define what marriage is going to mean for you?
02:39Why must closeness imply clinging?
02:43I am asking.
02:46Why must that be the norm?
02:52Why must that mean that the two have to stick together all day?
02:56Let there be protocols, simple, direct, loving protocols.
03:13If you call me up and I don't respond, don't ring me again and again.
03:20Give me half an hour at least.
03:21Why should it be necessary that the two, necessary, cohabitate the same room?
03:34Why should that be a compulsion, I am asking?
03:37Fine, you are married.
03:40We wish you be a happy couple.
03:43But why does being a happy couple mean that you are continuously seen in physical proximity of each other?
03:51Is that a scriptural command, I am asking?
03:59Do the scriptures anywhere necessitate that?
04:07Do they?
04:07You see, please understand, we are limited beings, each one of us, and let's honour that fact.
04:19And limitation means boundaries.
04:23To be limited is to have a boundary.
04:25Any successful marriage will have boundaries.
04:34And if you don't know how to respect those boundaries,
04:38be it a commercial partnership,
04:41be it a friendship,
04:44be it a marriage,
04:45or even the relationship between parents and kids,
04:52they'll fall apart.
04:56So, get rid of the romantic notion that the two of us have now dissolved into each other
05:01and therefore there are no boundaries.
05:04If the two of you dissolve into each other,
05:06there would only be conflict
05:07because the fact is that each one of us is indeed limited.
05:15As they say, good fences make good neighbours.
05:19We think that
05:19applies only to neighbours or relative strangers.
05:23No, that applies to any two human beings.
05:26You must know where to stop.
05:31You must know that.
05:33You cannot be
05:34at the other all the time.
05:38Spend quality time with each other
05:40and then leave each other free,
05:41both physically and psychologically.
05:45Don't demand or expect that you would be present in the other's mind all the time.
05:51Each one of us has a big sky within us.
05:56And it is futile,
05:59rather exploitative,
06:00to expect that you would dominate the other's internal sky totally.
06:05Though that's what is expected in the name of love.
06:10And the other starts
06:12gloating
06:14when you tell that,
06:16you know, I have been thinking continuously of you throughout the day.
06:19If that is happening,
06:21that is rather sick.
06:22That means you have nothing purposeful to do in life,
06:27except thinking of someone of the other gender,
06:29in an emotional way,
06:31in a romantic way,
06:33fundamentally a sexual way.
06:34Let there be well-defined limits.
06:40I often question the very concept of the double bed itself.
06:45why must there be this kind of a compulsion to sleep together?
06:55Meet
06:55when the weather is fine.
07:00Otherwise, you have your life to live
07:02and you have your own room to live.
07:03even being in the same house,
07:07why should
07:07it make it a compulsion
07:11to continuously snore by the other side?
07:17And who likes that?
07:20Nobody can enjoy that.
07:21But that has become some kind of an institution.
07:24The double bed is an institution.
07:25And just habitually and compulsorily
07:31sleeping together is a ritual.
07:36When that will happen,
07:37then marriage
07:38is nothing
07:40but a burden.
07:46And that's why we have so many husband-wife jokes.
07:50No?
07:51Because the two are always at each other's throat.
07:54trying to dominate each other,
07:58possess each other,
07:59own the other,
08:00control the other.
08:07See, the only genuine relationship
08:09two human beings can have,
08:11irrespective of gender or whatever,
08:12is friendship.
08:15Let's face it.
08:19Right?
08:20Apart from friendship,
08:21no relationship
08:22can have deep foundations.
08:27The thing will be shaky.
08:30The thing will be seasonal.
08:33And friends
08:35give ample room to each other.
08:39They are available.
08:42Right?
08:43But not dominant.
08:46Yes, I am available.
08:50But I am not omnipresent.
08:53We want
08:54to play gods and goddesses
08:56to our people,
08:57our partners.
08:59We want to be omnipresent for them.
09:00Right?
09:02Carry me as your wallpaper.
09:03I mean,
09:06everything.
09:08Everything.
09:09Let's eat together.
09:11This,
09:11that.
09:13Call me five to ten times.
09:14Huh?
09:15Call me five to ten times
09:17in a day
09:17and every time.
09:19Think of it.
09:21You see,
09:22if you want
09:22that kind of freedom,
09:24also learn to give
09:25the same freedom.
09:28Right?
09:29The deal is mutual.
09:32The one who tries
09:33to dominate you
09:34is offering
09:36to be dominated
09:37in return.
09:40Reject the deal.
09:41Say,
09:41I don't want
09:42to dominate you
09:43nor will I allow
09:45you to dominate me
09:46and that is
09:47what is called
09:48really love.
09:50Love does not
09:52mean
09:53that you are
09:54defined by the other.
09:55that some person
09:57becomes the very
09:58center of your life.
09:59That is not love.
10:02No person
10:03in the entire
10:04universe
10:04living or dead
10:05is big enough
10:07to become
10:08the center
10:09of your life.
10:10No single person
10:12has that kind
10:13of worth.
10:14No.
10:16And then
10:17we are not
10:17talking
10:17about
10:20about
10:21the avatars
10:22and the
10:23great scientists
10:24and the
10:26age-defining
10:28personalities
10:29over here.
10:30We are talking
10:30of simple couples.
10:33Right?
10:34Obviously,
10:35the one you are
10:36with
10:36is a very
10:37common,
10:38very ordinary
10:39individual.
10:41Does not
10:42deserve in any
10:43way to become
10:44the center
10:44of your universe.
10:47And one should
10:47have that kind
10:48of humility.
10:50Even if
10:51your partner
10:52says
10:52or tells
10:54you
10:55that you
10:55have become
10:56my life,
10:57refuse.
10:59Who are we
11:00to become
11:01somebody's life?
11:03Gods?
11:03Who are we?
11:06And the
11:07moment you
11:07accept that,
11:09even if
11:09silently,
11:10somebody comes
11:11to you and
11:12says,
11:12you are my
11:13life,
11:13you are my
11:13God,
11:14you are
11:14everything,
11:15and you
11:15accept that,
11:16that's the
11:17moment the
11:18other will
11:18start expecting
11:19and dominating.
11:21She will
11:22say,
11:23since I
11:23have handed
11:24over everything
11:25to you,
11:25therefore,
11:26now I
11:27have to
11:27guard you.
11:30Because you
11:30carry all
11:31that I
11:32have.
11:33Since you
11:33carry all
11:33that I
11:34have,
11:35I will
11:35have to
11:36be very
11:36possessive
11:36about you.
11:39So even
11:39if someone
11:40is willingly
11:41trying to
11:42submit himself
11:43or herself
11:44to you,
11:44see that
11:45as dangerous
11:46and refuse.
11:49No,
11:49no,
11:49no,
11:49no,
11:50no,
11:50I don't
11:50want your
11:50life.
11:52Yes,
11:52we can be
11:53friends,
11:54good friends,
11:56let our
11:56friendship be
11:57very,
11:57very deep.
12:00But don't
12:00surrender to
12:01me.
12:02Don't say,
12:02I am your
12:03Lord or
12:03your life.
12:04No,
12:04I am not.
12:05I don't
12:05deserve to
12:05be.
12:07And in
12:07the same
12:08breath,
12:09you too
12:09don't deserve
12:10to be
12:10my life.
12:13Yes,
12:13you will be
12:13a very
12:14important
12:14part of
12:16my life.
12:17But you
12:18can't be
12:19the center
12:20of my
12:21life.
12:22Nobody
12:22deserves to
12:23be the
12:23center of
12:23anybody's
12:24life.
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