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FunTranscript
00:00Oh, there they are.
00:02Mr. Sexy.
00:04Oh, my goodness.
00:06It's him! It's him!
00:08Oh, yeah, that's...
00:10Dick! Hi, Paul.
00:12Would you sign it? Oh, you got the magazine.
00:14Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:16I haven't even had a chance to look at this stupid thing.
00:18Oh, hey. Would you sign it?
00:20Oh, that's great. Boy, everybody's got a copy, huh?
00:22Terrific. No, no, I'm so flustered.
00:24I'm so excited.
00:26Hey, uh...
00:28Lay it on, honey. Yeah, the picture's actually on 14.
00:30Okay. Oh, sure.
00:40I was a late bloomer with the gals.
00:42In fact, before I met my wife,
00:44I had no experience with women. The wedding night,
00:46I tried to inflate her.
00:48She enjoyed it. But we've gone through
00:50all the stages of a marriage. We went through
00:52the taking a headache stage. Now we're going through the
00:54I find you physically repugnant stage.
00:56Paul Revere.
00:58Kip Glasscock. Yeah, right. Nice to meet you.
01:00Just call me Kip. Right. Kip. Kip.
01:02That's a cute name. What is that short for, Kip?
01:04It's just a name I got when I was sculling.
01:06Oh, it's a sculling name. Yeah.
01:07Real name is Jeff Glasscock.
01:08But people thought that sounded weird.
01:10Is this the green room? Yeah. Hi. Come on in, fella.
01:12I don't have a good sense of color anymore.
01:14I like to open with a joke.
01:16Hi. How you doing? Kip Glasscock.
01:18Hi, Oedipus. Paul Revere. Over here.
01:20Hi, Paul. I'll just put my hand out and whoever wants to shake it,
01:22come on up. That's an interesting name, by the way.
01:24Kip Glasscock. It's Sudanese.
01:26Really? What kind of name is Revere?
01:28Is that... Is that... Old English.
01:29Oh. Can your dogs eat Danish?
01:31This is my seeing-eye dog.
01:32How come you have two?
01:33One's for reading.
01:35My, uh, my mother-in-law passed away last week.
01:38Nothing serious, thank God. But she's dead now.
01:40She was cremated and we, uh, we think that's what did it.
01:43Hey, Milt, I can't get enough of that, uh, the same material every, uh, week.
01:47He's wonderful. He reminds me of Myron Cohn, but he's not so much of a Jew.
01:51Uh, who's Myron Cohn?
01:52You don't remember anything, kids. You know, you know, you know,
01:54if it didn't happen yesterday, you don't remember anything. God...
01:56Hit me.
01:57Oh, Dick. Look, it's our sexiest man from here.
02:01Oh!
02:02Ah, thanks, Vic.
02:03Oh, congratulations.
02:05I agree with him 100%.
02:06Oh, it's crazy, but you know...
02:08Oh.
02:09Hi, Vicky.
02:10Oh, hi, Paula. How are you doing?
02:11You're sexy, my wife.
02:12Oh, absolutely.
02:13Is she looking great today?
02:14Oh, Richard.
02:15Unbelievable.
02:16That's what makes me the sexiest man in Worcester.
02:18Being married to the woman in that outfit, huh?
02:20You're the sexiest couple in Worcester.
02:22Absolutely.
02:23Okay, guys, enough.
02:24Thanks.
02:25All of us, we're all dying over you now.
02:27Does this coffee taste funny to you?
02:29You know how it tastes to me?
02:30Sexy.
02:32I think that my wife has been fooling around because our parent keeps saying,
02:35give it to me hard and fast before my husband Johnny Storm comes home.
02:38And yes, I'd love a cracker.
02:45Hi.
02:46Hello.
02:47Good to meet you.
02:48I'm Vicky.
02:49Hi, Paul.
02:50Hi, how are you?
02:51Good, I'm fine, thanks.
02:52Good, good.
02:53Vicky was both on the phone, right.
02:54Oh, Oedipets.
02:55Yeah, hi, how are you?
02:56Ooh, are you okay?
02:57Just have an itch.
02:58You okay? Okay.
02:59I know a wonderful plastic surgeon.
03:00Oh, really?
03:01He's a genius.
03:02I think these babies are pretty much hopeless.
03:03No, no, he looks fine.
03:04Listen, Mr. Sammy Davis Jr. had one eye and he did pretty damn good.
03:06He's a big fan.
03:07On the show today, a guy we've all heard about, a young man by the name of Oedipus Rex.
03:13Also joining us, I think for the first time, is the proud father of six,
03:17is it six when you have sextuplets?
03:19Yeah.
03:20And what is it when you have sex?
03:21Odd.
03:23Hey, it's so rare that I enjoy myself.
03:25But the father of sextuplets is Mr. Kip Glasgow.
03:30Could I ask you over here?
03:31Sure.
03:32Sure.
03:33There's not going to be any cockpit at the photo shoot for the magazine,
03:35because this is my 60th day of sobriety.
03:37Oh, no, no, no.
03:38So you were a drunk, huh?
03:39Hey.
03:40You know, my hearing is really...
03:41Boy, you people really...
03:42Wow, is that what they were saying?
03:43So what, do you develop other senses when you don't have...
03:44The hearing is really amazing.
03:45Amazing.
03:46Can you hear this?
03:47Yeah, yeah.
03:48You can hear that?
03:49Yeah, I heard that.
03:50So please welcome, in no particular order, America's favorite couple, Dick and Paula.
03:57Hello, what's up?
03:59What a great house.
04:00Paula, you look lovely, Dick.
04:01Oh, thank you.
04:02Congratulations.
04:03Thank you, Johnny.
04:04Just for those of you who don't know, Dick has won...
04:05Is it two years in a row now?
04:06The sexiest man in Worcester.
04:08That's right.
04:10Only because Johnny Storm took himself out of the competition.
04:13That's right.
04:14By default.
04:15I would have voted for you, Johnny.
04:17Oh, listen to that.
04:19Now there's a little tension on that side of the stage.
04:21Oh, boy.
04:315,000 women voted over the age of 55.
04:33No, I mean...
04:355,000 women...
04:36You just can't be sweet about this, can you?
04:37I guess.
04:38I have to watch it.
04:39Read the cue card, Tony.
04:40You're supposed to be sweet.
04:42I'm trying.
04:43Wasn't that Dick on the cover of Prevention Magazine?
04:45This sexiest guy in Worcester thing is great, and I appreciate the gals.
04:48Oh, you should.
04:49It's a great honor.
04:50But let me just say a few words about that lady over there.
04:53Oh, now, you're not going to start on me.
04:55Now, sexy...
04:56I don't think he's pointing to you.
04:57It's fine.
04:58I like to mix it up, you know?
04:59Oh, so you can do the other way.
05:00I do a bunch of different stuff.
05:01Oh, you do two patches?
05:02I got a glass eye underneath the patch.
05:03Take a look at that.
05:04Oh, I like that one better.
05:06Well, that's blue.
05:07This thing happened to you, or you did it to yourself, whatever.
05:10It was a bad, bad day.
05:11But you found SPAC, and you're making crazy fashion statements that no one else can.
05:16I love that.
05:17It's funny you bring that up, but I've had a bad day.
05:20Oh, I know.
05:24Okay, so we're preparing for the Andy Kindler bit, is that right?
05:27What?
05:28Andy Kindler.
05:29What's up next, right?
05:30Is it?
05:31Oh, yeah.
05:32Um, three, two, one, go.
05:34And now it's time for my favorite part of the show, when I get to talk to my nephew, Andy
05:38Kindler.
05:39He's my nephew, too.
05:40Our nephew.
05:41Sorry, honey.
05:42Andy, are you there, sweetie?
05:43We're just one big happy family.
05:45You see, I've decided, Aunt Paula and Uncle Dick, to make myself more humorous during the
05:50segment, so I'll be sprinkling one-liners during our segments from now on.
05:53Okay, great.
05:54For example, you know, I had to go to a doctor this week because I've been having difficulty urinating.
05:59Ooh.
06:00Turns out, clumsiness is not a medical condition.
06:02Huh?
06:03I see.
06:04You're gonna cancel me soon, aren't you?
06:05I also sometimes I'll do this on occasion.
06:07Check these out.
06:08Oh, yeah.
06:09Whoa!
06:10I love that.
06:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:12They're fun.
06:13They're fun.
06:14They're fun.
06:15So many people in your position would be bitter and horrible to be around.
06:16Well, you know, look, I was.
06:17Don't get me wrong.
06:18I mean, I spent...
06:19But you've found back, honey.
06:20A good amount of time.
06:21Well, thank you.
06:22Yeah.
06:23Thanks for calling me honey.
06:24So you write the copy and then do the voice.
06:25Yeah, so I made up my own...
06:26I'll give you an example.
06:27You at home centers, we guaranteed you won't get nailed with higher prices.
06:31The only screwing you will encounter is when you assemble one of our popular all-weather
06:34sheds.
06:35That voice is terrific.
06:36That voice is terrific.
06:37Did you get the part where the only screwing you will encounter...
06:39I got that.
06:40Yes.
06:41...nailed with higher prices?
06:42Yeah, the metaphors just sang right out, Andy.
06:44How long did it take for you to come around to where you are now with the winning personality?
06:48Well, you know what?
06:49I go in and out, and medication has helped.
06:51There's no question about that.
06:52Oh, yeah, you gotta have medication.
06:53Jesus, where would I be without mine?
06:54And, uh, yeah.
06:55Hello, antidepressants.
06:56Andy Kindler, your morning drive guy.
07:0085 Beautiful Degrees downtown Los Angeles.
07:02Come up in half an hour, we're giving away some Aerosmith tickets.
07:05Oh, Andy, that was great!
07:06Now, there you go!
07:07That's a DJ!
07:08Wasn't that wonderful for people in the studio audience?
07:10That was fabulous!
07:11Andy, honey...
07:12Coming up with a 45-minute free ride, it's back-to-back classics.
07:15I can't believe you're not out there doing that.
07:17All I can say is, boom, you keep going, Andy.
07:20You know, when you talk that way, I start to get excited about myself.
07:23Really?
07:24Not really.
07:25Well, now, how many of us can claim that we accidentally murdered our father and slept
07:36with our mother?
07:37Oedipus Rex can, and this tragic Greek king is with us today.
07:41Please welcome, Oedipus Rex.
07:43Oedipus Rex.
07:46Welcome, welcome.
07:47Thank you very much.
07:48Good to be here.
07:49Nice to have you here, Oedipus.
07:50Well, no, thanks for having me, yeah.
07:51It's not often you get a roaring applause for killing your father, sleeping with your mom.
07:54I love it.
07:55Well, we...
07:56I love TV.
07:57Yeah.
07:58By the way, congratulations on Sexiest Man.
08:00Oh, thanks.
08:01That brings up...
08:02My husband in the world.
08:03It's a crazy thing, Oedipus.
08:04That brings up old memories.
08:05I won Sexiest Man at Thebes three years in a row.
08:08Wow.
08:09And it got to my head.
08:10I can see why.
08:11Yeah.
08:12Yeah.
08:13But, well, I'm not gouging anything out tonight, I'm telling you that right now.
08:15You got me, son of a bitch.
08:17So you're up.
08:18And back to three.
08:19Well, I want to introduce my dogs, Swayze and Gray.
08:22I'm a huge Dirty Dancing fan.
08:24I see.
08:25Yeah.
08:26So...
08:27Right.
08:28Oh, yes, he's a cute dog.
08:29Well, that's enough.
08:30I don't have to see to see that's annoying.
08:32Yeah.
08:33Yeah.
08:34I think everybody knows the basics of your story, but for those who don't...
08:39My story, yeah.
08:40Could you just run it by us?
08:41Because, of course, it's a...
08:42It's a whole bunch of stuff.
08:43Yeah.
08:44I call it a tragedy.
08:47Cute Gale Storm story.
08:48Gale Storm had narcolepsy.
08:50Nobody knows it.
08:51She kept it hidden from the press.
08:52In those days, the press would cooperate.
08:54Now, if, if, if, if, if...
08:56Melt.
08:57Melt tells an narcolepsy story.
08:58He falls asleep.
08:59Rudy, drop those bombs.
09:01Get those chaps.
09:02Damn it.
09:03He talks to himself about the war he was never in.
09:05So you murdered your father and...
09:07Yeah, you don't have to say it like that.
09:08...accidentally married your mother.
09:10Yeah.
09:11Both things were an accident.
09:12Yeah.
09:13I did not know that I...
09:14Well, you were actually trying to, to avoid the thing.
09:15It was a, it was a comedy of errors.
09:16Yeah.
09:17It was.
09:18Yeah.
09:19It really wasn't.
09:20Do you miss your father?
09:21You know, I miss my mother more.
09:22Oh.
09:23Oedipus, did Floyd get it right?
09:24No.
09:25I mean, is very...
09:26No, he, he, that was a, that was a big...
09:28Excuse me.
09:29Oedipus is a little gassy.
09:31I had, uh...
09:32Oh, you've been through a lot.
09:33I had a massive amount of seltzer in the green room.
09:35Oh.
09:36Yeah, so, um, but, uh, personally I think the guy was totally wrong.
09:39I mean, it's all psychotropics now.
09:40So you don't think there's such a thing as an Oedipus complex?
09:42Um, well, I have one.
09:44Wow.
09:45But I'm Oedipus, you know?
09:47Exactly, exactly, exactly.
09:48You have a right.
09:49Right.
09:50You've earned yours now.
09:51You know, to be honest with you, I have a huge one.
09:53Last night, the good Lord smiled on me and I was able to get lucky with a young lady.
09:59And, as I was being tender with her...
10:02That is one of the most disturbing...
10:03It really is.
10:04...images I've ever had.
10:05Why?
10:06Because I'm talking about me and not listening to your horse poop?
10:08What are you talking about?
10:09I just, I don't...
10:10Where did you meet a woman?
10:11I met her at my line dancing class.
10:13Oh, really?
10:14I put the tank on wheels and I line dance.
10:15Why is that so, uh, funny to you?
10:16Milt, I'm gonna start writing these things down.
10:23So, Oedipus, tell us, what's next for you?
10:25Actually, uh, we're working through, uh, still in the writing phase, but ABC has signed to do a movie of the week of me and, uh...
10:31Really? Now, is this based on the book?
10:32No, not the autobiography.
10:33This is, this is based on the standard.
10:35Uh-huh.
10:36The oral tradition, as we like to say.
10:37The myth, the legend, yeah.
10:38And, um, Alyssa Milano is set to play my mom, which I'm very excited about.
10:41Wow.
10:42Terrific.
10:43Very excited about.
10:44Uh, James Naughton is playing my dad.
10:46Back off, two.
10:47Back off.
10:48Two, back off.
10:49Bring in one.
10:50I also, I wanna plug, um, I, uh, my perfume, which is out now in stores.
10:53Oh, what's that called?
10:54It's called Complex.
10:55Oh.
10:56Terrific.
10:57Terrific.
10:58Typically, it will be Oedipal, Complex.
11:01What I did is Complex in big letters.
11:03Oedipal.
11:04Underneath.
11:05That subliminal suggestion.
11:06Subtle.
11:07Yeah.
11:08Okay, camera two, pull out.
11:09Pull out.
11:10Camera two, you with me?
11:11Camera two, hello.
11:12Alright, a little further.
11:13Camera two, leave the room.
11:14I do a little singing here and there.
11:15Uh-huh.
11:16And, um...
11:17Did you wanna sing something?
11:18I don't know if, uh, Johnny, if you're, uh, set up to, uh...
11:20Yes, add your services.
11:21Say one.
11:22Oh.
11:23If you don't mind, I brought my, uh, actually my guitar.
11:24Oh!
11:25Folk or classical?
11:26Self taught, self taught.
11:27Johnny, have you, uh, something you worked out with, uh, Oedipus?
11:30Can we just, um, give me a heavy spot?
11:32Okay, cue spotlight.
11:33And, uh, can we bring, uh, the house lights up on one beautiful lady out there and...
11:37Cue house lights.
11:38Her name is my mom.
11:39Ahem.
11:40Mom, this one, uh, this one goes out to you.
11:42Johnny Storm on the keyboards.
11:47You're just too good to be true.
11:52I can't take my eyes off of you.
11:56You'd be like heaven to touch.
11:59I wanna hold you so much.
12:02At long last, love has arrived.
12:05And I thank God I'm alive.
12:08You're just too good to be true.
12:11My own mother, I can't take my eyes off of you.
12:14Come on, all right, you'll like her.
12:16Come on.
12:17Come on, we're getting close.
12:19And I thank God I'm alive.
12:22You're just too good to be true.
12:25I can't take my eyes off of my mother.
12:28Go, boys.
12:30Everybody!
12:31Come on.
12:33Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-da.
12:35Na-na-na-na.
12:37Have fun with it!
12:39Here we go!
12:41Camera two, stand by.
12:42Two, you're gonna go up now.
12:43you're gonna go up now and hit two let me love you baby let me love you you're just too good to
12:52be true you're just too good to be true thank you thank you very much oh that was exquisite
13:02fabulous edifice thank you that was so thank you so much and thank you and johnny johnny storm yeah
13:08the dragon was kicking yeah terrific the oh that opened the floodgates old memories pretty lady
13:14enjoying that song nice job boys except for you too we'll go on commercial in five ladies and
13:19gentlemen let's give a big warm thanks thank you edifice rack and jocasta yeah my mom thank you
13:26edifice okay great today we are bringing on kip blascock father of sex tablets he's here to
13:41share with us his incredible story please welcome kip blascock hello everybody oh hi kip hello how are
13:50you one tired guy well i'm here that's all i know i mean people out there have had a kid or two or
13:55three at a time you've got six tell us what it's like what's the day-to-day for you tell us about
14:00your wife yeah six of them how is your wife well you know i'm i'm not married you're not no i'm not
14:05and really this is an out of wedlock experience no no no i adopted the kids it's probably you didn't
14:09know that you adopted them sure um well long story short i was in france and i worked for a soft drink
14:17bottling company that shall remain nameless and we were very interested in turning this orphanage
14:21into a bottling plant yeah and i had been out for kind of a liquid lunch because you know your
14:25huguenots like their drinky poos you know right anywho came back after lunch and trying to conduct
14:30business amidst the screaming so just my heart melted you know and i saw these wonderful infants
14:36that had been abandoned if you can imagine and they were found in in a dumpster in a bakery and you
14:41know the bakeries over there the bread that they throw out is better than the bread we buy here how long
14:45have they been in the dumpster uh well the bread was stale so it probably was a couple of days you know
14:50wow yeah i i am shocked that he won i i personally don't find him sexy at all oh yeah he's a very
14:58attractive man yeah i don't know there's something oily about him i don't know about oily no well take
15:03a closer look you know and i don't know i just maybe it was a little bit of wine or maybe it was
15:07just the fact that i'm not made of wood but i i took the kids back to america with me you know in
15:11one of those carpet bags like rich ladies put yorkies in you know and so how are you um taking care of
15:17so many children mr well it's not easy you know it does put a crimp in your your social life
15:22i enjoy uh adult swinging and role play and that's you know you got to slow down you can't run on all
15:29cylinders adult swinging and role play yeah let me just say one damn thing here it's not just about
15:34the sex you meet some interesting people you said wife swapping but you don't have a wife no if you
15:38host the party ah you can just buzz around dick and paul i could put you two in touch with him too
15:42because you two look like party people to me you do well dick is the sexiest man in the world
15:47well yeah and paula i'd like to roll you in some cream cheese i really would
15:51i would no really i know you mean that in the nicest possible way i do or cottage cheese large curd if i
16:00could a lot of people say oh kip glasscock are you going to give the kids their own culture
16:06because they're french kids and one little trick i found is i always play a roberto benigni video
16:12while i'm nursing the kids to keep them in touch with their roots he was italian he is italian
16:18hey look nobody wanted these kids okay did they have names or did you give them names well i don't
16:21know what you know they didn't they were just dumpster kids they were dumpster kids the girls are
16:25uh daiquiri and mai tai uh-huh the boys are singer harvey wallbanger bullshot greyhound and absolute
16:31is that seven is that seven because i drinks a bit i know not anymore i don't i understand that
16:38you have a clip yeah you know i got to show the clip the kids you know well we'd love to see it
16:42we'd love to see your children okay let's run that video okay i'll just look up there right up here
16:46and we'll be running going oh there's mai tai wrestling with the boys you know strong one isn't he
16:51what are they eating i don't have no idea interesting outfits you've got them and you know the camera's
16:57a little jerky there because i still have a bit of a detail is that a puppy on the end there no
17:02that's that's harvey wallbanger oh that's one of the children he's a scrappy little uh dude just
17:08like a dog a lot of people tease him about the tail and that's just a bit of the uh cossack's bone
17:13that that it just grew a little too long they could take care of that surgically though he can wag
17:17it though and it's cute as a button wow yeah and and who's who's that very voluptuous young woman
17:22there mr glasscock she's a young lady a prostitute that's uh is she good with kids well you got to
17:28have instincts as a dad yeah who to trust and that sort of thing we're going commercial in five
17:33all right yes well mr glasscock we'd love to have you back maybe when the children grow a little
17:36older you know bring the kids that'd be discreet thanks keep that video camera rolling oh you know
17:41i will kip glasscock ladies and gentlemen thank you
17:44and to johnny go to johnny come on go to johnny what a great show today the crowd was terrific
17:52the crowd is the best in worcester the best anywhere you can't buy a crowd like that no you can't we
17:57tried oh and kip seems like he really you know he is cut out for the role of father yes and my only
18:03advice to him if he's listening is please don't be afraid to ask the tough questions like you know
18:08when i was a teenager i had a cocaine habit so bad i wanted to get caught i'm not i'm not proud of
18:12this i am not proud of this well i wish my father had asked me i pray they get caught one night he
18:17catches me with a gram of cocaine rubs my nose in it so you gotta you gotta ask the tough questions
18:23you do we should have found out how you say sextuplet in in france you know sextuplet oh there you go
18:29they have a name for everything don't they they do
18:30next tuesday on the dick and paula celebrity special it's everyone's favorite saviest
18:37you have the infamous marquita side you're the babe hound you like to get a little salty with
18:41the gals huh what's uh salty i'm trying to make green room conversation oh sorry the dick and paula
18:45celebrity special guest wanted dead or alive next tuesday at 10 only on fx
18:50you're just too good to be true
19:03you're just too good to be true thank you