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00:00David Letterman and Regina Hall with The Klee Tones.
00:05And now, Jimmy Kimmel!
00:09Oh, my!
00:15I appreciate that.
00:24Thank you. Hi, Jimmy.
00:26I'm the host of the show.
00:28I appreciate that. Thank you for watching.
00:31Thank you for joining us from our home office in Hollywood, California.
00:36I'm glad you're here.
00:37I'm even glad I'm here tonight because my favorite guy from all of television,
00:41David Letterman, is here with us.
00:45He'll be joining us to chat about his show on Netflix
00:48and to share his recipe for Christmas corn pudding,
00:51which is absolutely perfect.
00:53This is a big deal for me to be in the presence of one of my heroes.
00:57It's like when Trump gets to hang out with Kim Jong-un.
01:00You understand.
01:02Uncle Scam was in Pennsylvania tonight to outline his fiscal agenda
01:06in front of a crowd at the Mount Airy Casino Resort.
01:09And what better place to unveil your plan for the economy than a casino?
01:13Would have done it at one of his own casinos, but he bankrupted them all.
01:18One of the speakers leading up to the president was State Representative Ryan McKenzie,
01:22who is best known nationally for listing his Tinder age as 29 when he was actually 37.
01:29The president and his administration also went to work fixing all the conflicts,
01:35and he has resolved so many conflicts in a peaceable fashion that they just gave him the FIFA Peace Prize.
01:42How about that?
01:45That's what you call a smattering of applause.
01:47After the speech in the Poconos, Trump swung by Gettysburg to take credit for ending the Civil War.
01:54And then it was...
01:55Tonight's rally was one of several he has planned.
01:57The reason he's out talking about the economy is because he wants to convince us that it's good,
02:02which it isn't, but we also don't know how bad it is because they stopped reporting job numbers.
02:07It's like if the NBA just quit keeping score.
02:10We won, and we won.
02:12Everybody wins until we get tired of all the winning.
02:15The good news is Trump says his tariffs are bringing in a boatload of money.
02:19The bad news is Pete Hegseth just bombed the boat.
02:22So Trump has promised to...
02:25You know, he promised to fix the economy on day one.
02:28We're now at day 323 of a million.
02:31And it's finally starting to sink in.
02:34Nearly 40% of MAGA voters say the cost of living is the highest they can remember.
02:39And 76% of American voters have a negative view of how things are going financially.
02:44But that was a poll from those radical leftist lunatics at Fox News.
02:48That's not the...
02:49The White House has been...
02:50They've been doing...
02:51Trying their best to pin the blame on Biden like this.
02:54Putting an end to Joe Biden's inflation and affordability crisis
02:57has been a day one priority for President Trump,
03:00according to White House spokesperson Kush Desai,
03:02seen here with the president looking like a May-December grinder matchup.
03:06Trump's getting frustrated because, you know, he's used to his people just going along with what he says.
03:15So... And this is really his genius.
03:17Instead of trying to do something about affordability,
03:20he's just challenging the word affordability itself.
03:23Affordability. They just say the word. It doesn't mean anything to anybody.
03:27Affordability is a Democrat scam. Affordability is a con job.
03:31They used the word .
03:45Affordability .
03:48Everyone says .
03:51And you are supposed to say .
03:54say, oh, and no one's saying, oh.
03:57You know, I wish people would just shut up
03:59and let the man concentrate on building
04:00his golden ballroom already.
04:02Is that too much to ask, Guillermo?
04:05I agree with you, Guillermo.
04:06Thank you very much.
04:07Trump says he's very up on the economy.
04:13Political asked him to grade the economy.
04:15He said he gives it an A++++.
04:18Five pluses.
04:19And if it wasn't five pluses, would he
04:22be planning a UFC fight on the White House lawn?
04:25No.
04:26Yes?
04:27Oh, yes.
04:28We got some new details on that today.
04:29The president is planning to build a 5,000-seat arena
04:33in front of the White House.
04:35They scaled it down from 20,000 to 5,000, which is fine,
04:39because Trump will say it was 100,000 anyway,
04:41but I guess it was too big.
04:43The event will take place on June 14th, which just happens
04:46to be his 80th birthday.
04:48Whose 80th birthday theme is inviting men
04:50to beat the crap out of each other on his own.
04:53The most miserable son of a bitch in the world.
04:55That's who.
04:56This is going to be something.
04:59This is going to be the weigh-ins for this event
05:03will be held at the Lincoln Memorial.
05:05That is not a joke.
05:06The same people who are all, don't you dare desecrate
05:09the flag, totally fine with guys in their underpants
05:12at the foot of Abraham Lincoln.
05:14But it's his birthday.
05:15You know, we have to have a party for his birthday.
05:18What a child he is.
05:19Everyone around him treats him like he's three years old.
05:22He is three years old.
05:23He needs a lot of attention, so they let him have
05:25a press conference every day.
05:26He needs immediate gratification.
05:28They give him a Diet Coke button.
05:30He gets constant praise for nothing.
05:32Oh, you did so good.
05:33You're so, look how big you are.
05:34Your MRI is perfect.
05:36He gets, he takes nap time, often in the middle of a meeting.
05:41They order him McDonald's.
05:43He gets ice cream after dinner every night.
05:45He loves to use a Sharpie when he's not supposed to.
05:47He wants to hear the same two songs over and over and over again.
05:51And he wears diapers.
05:53He's three years old.
05:55If we could just get him to start watching Coco Mellon instead of Newsmax, problem solved.
06:04Tomorrow, Congress will vote on whether to cut Pete Hegseth's travel budget if he doesn't
06:10release the unedited video of that controversial boat strike, which is, that's quite a punishment.
06:15If you don't show us that video, you're flying spirit from now on.
06:19And then we have our Secretary of Health and Human Services teaming up with the Secretary
06:23of Transportation.
06:24RFK Jr. and Sean Duffy are working hard to make air travel healthy again.
06:29They had a PR stunt at Reagan National in Washington calling for, um, they did pull-ups calling for
06:36workout stations at airports so people can work out while they're waiting for the plane.
06:42I had...
06:43You know what?
06:44I like this.
06:45I can't tell you how many times I've been in an airport and thought, I wish everyone
06:49was sweatier here.
06:50They also want playgrounds for, um, kids and more recreation areas for layovers, which,
06:59yeah, okay, that's one idea.
07:01Or, and hear me out, maybe just try to have the planes leave on time so we don't need to
07:06come up with fun ways to hang out at the airport all day.
07:11Remember when Elon came in and chainsawed all the air traffic controllers?
07:15How about we hire some more of those instead of the playgrounds?
07:18Then maybe we won't need Pilates outside Chili's to go.
07:21RFK's also trying to get airports to add healthy food options, and he's not just encouraging it,
07:27he's making it happen in a very real way.
07:29Every day, millions of travelers have no choice but to fill their bodies with deep-fried,
07:35ultra-processed poison.
07:37Until now.
07:39Introducing MahaFresh.
07:42I've spent years doing my own research to bring you a menu with only the finest ingredients.
07:48Treat your body to alpaca taco salad, dead bear barbacoa, unpasteurized huevos rancheros,
07:57ivermectin chimichangas, breast milk horchata from a lady who's got big ones, and an all-you-can-eat
08:05dimethyltryptamine bar.
08:07It's DMTlicious.
08:08You'll be doing pull-ups in your clothes at the airport in no time.
08:13Shoot your dog and bring it in.
08:15We'll cook it for ya.
08:17Located at my uncle's airport, Terminal 5, next to Very Orange Julius.
08:23MahaFresh.
08:25Eat raw.
08:26Die.
08:27He's got a bright future in voice acting if the White House thing doesn't work out.
08:34Today was the annual Christmas party at the Vice President's house.
08:38J.D. Vance welcomed a number of VIP guests, including his boss.
08:42Trump went to visit the Vance house, which, oh man, whatever you do, Mr. President, I hope
08:47you did not sit on that couch.
08:48You know, we knew Trump was going to go into J.D.'s stay because it was listed in his official
08:53schedule.
08:54You can see there, 3.15, the president attends the Vice President's Christmas reception.
09:00And we knew he wouldn't stay long because just below that it says, 3.16, the president
09:03leaves the Vice President's after eating all the cookies and calling Vance the wrong name.
09:08J.D. Vance has three children.
09:10He has two sons and a daughter aged eight, five, and three, which I'm sure came as a total surprise
09:15to the president.
09:16What are these, elves?
09:17Get them away from me.
09:18You think Trump brings the kids gifts when he comes to visit the house?
09:23Here you go.
09:24We brought you a Mar-a-Lago charcuterie board and a golf ball marker.
09:29Have a great life.
09:30I doubt it.
09:31I actually went on the Trump crap website today, and there's some really great stuff
09:36there, including this.
09:37This is the DJT mallet putter cover.
09:40This is an officially licensed item, which means somebody at the Trump Organization saw this
09:46and said, he looks great.
09:48That's real yak hair, by the way, just like the hair on the president's head.
09:53This is a big time of the year for Magellan because, you know, Trump's deep devotion to
09:58Christ makes December the biggest time for merch sales of the year, including a lot of
10:04things, including a new spirit for the secretary of defense in your life.
10:08Trump presents Trump Vodka.
10:09Hi, Ray R. Trump.
10:10We're doing Trump Vodka.
10:11This could be the greatest vodka anywhere.
10:14We're making it here in the United States.
10:15We're making the bottle here in the United States.
10:17We're incredibly excited about it.
10:18I can't tell you how much time was spent designing the bottle.
10:21Let me guess.
10:22Almost none?
10:24I want to know how much time it takes you to open the bottle.
10:27And then we have Uncle Rudy Giuliani, who is hard at work outside that dildo shop roasting
10:31beans to become our first ever disc barred barista.
10:35Christmas is coming.
10:37If you want to know what people want, go to Rudy.Coffee and get coffee mugs, coffee, and cold brew, and even shirts.
10:48Go there right now. Rudy.Coffee.
10:51Merry Christmas!
10:54Make your teeth as brown as America's mayors with a carafe of Rudy coffee this year.
10:59And finally, our old pal Mike Lindell graduates from MyPillows to MyPills.
11:06Hello, everyone.
11:07I'm here to tell you about one of my favorite companies, All Family Pharmacy.
11:11From November 24th through December 2nd, when you buy one ivermectin or a hydroxychloroquine or a mabenzazole,
11:19you get another one absolutely free.
11:22What?
11:25One for you and your horse.
11:27You know what?
11:29With gifts like these, I finally understand why Melania hates Christmas so much.
11:33We have, uh, we've got an excellent show for you tonight.
11:36Regina Hall is here with us tonight.
11:38And we will be right back with David Letterman.
11:41Let's check it out.
11:42All right, and welcome back to the show tonight.
11:54You can see her alongside Leo DiCaprio in the highly acclaimed movie One Battle After Another.
12:00Regina Hall is with us tonight.
12:02Tomorrow night we will get a good show tomorrow night.
12:06We will be joined by Matthew McConaughey and Pete Buttigieg with music from Howard Jones.
12:11So please join us then.
12:12Are you nervous, Guillermo?
12:13A little bit.
12:14Are you?
12:15A little bit.
12:16I don't...
12:17It doesn't seem like you are.
12:18Um...
12:19There is no one I am more terrified to welcome to this show than our first guest.
12:23He, in my opinion, is the best ever to do this job, and he's still doing it in longer form.
12:28Season six of My Next Guest Needs No Introduction premieres one week from tonight on Netflix.
12:33Please welcome David Letterman.
13:01Thank you, sir.
13:04Okay.
13:10Really nice.
13:11I wish I...
13:12I love you, too, sir.
13:14I wish I could get that in my own house.
13:17By the way, if I get another show, you and me, you understand?
13:20Okay, deal.
13:21Yeah, all right.
13:22We'll talk about that.
13:23Yeah, well, we've been...
13:24You know, our relationship has been a little rocky lately, so I might let you have them.
13:28Yeah, what happened to Little Rocky?
13:29Now, listen.
13:30Yes.
13:31I want to thank you for giving me yet another opportunity to entertain America.
13:36I do my best.
13:38I want to thank you for entertaining America here.
13:42It's a...
13:43You know that I love you.
13:44I love this man.
13:45Oh, well...
13:46I love him more than Chinese food, that's right.
13:53I love him more than valet parking.
13:56I...
13:57I love him more than that Cars for Kids song.
14:00I just...
14:01Wow, that's really good.
14:02That's a great song.
14:03Oh, sure.
14:04Yeah, yeah.
14:05People are aware of the fact that you are the leader of the resistance.
14:09Yes.
14:10I am the, uh...
14:11I am the totally ineffective leader of the resistance, yes.
14:12No.
14:13By the way, will this be televised tonight?
14:14I can never keep track with you getting yanked off.
14:15Oh, well...
14:16Sorry.
14:17Come on.
14:18Wake up over there, for God's sake.
14:19Dave's here.
14:20Anton would have hit that with no problem.
14:36Thank you very much.
14:38And speaking of leaders, let me just say one thing here.
14:41I'm gonna suck up to you, because I feel like if I kind of tag along with you, I'll be glorified
14:45in retrospect, my own...
14:47You know, it's kind of like...
14:50You just sit there.
14:51Um...
14:52If...
14:53If the...
14:54Now, this is irrespective of party or political ideology.
14:59Irrespective, party or political ideology.
15:02If the leader of the free world is a fool, the leader of the free world then should expect
15:08and examine every bit of ridicule he receives.
15:13Irrespective.
15:14You see how that makes me look good now, too.
15:15It does make you look good.
15:16Thank you very much.
15:17Well, if I've done anything right, I definitely learned it from you.
15:18And I want you to know I mean that sincerely.
15:19Oh, and thank you very much.
15:20Did you just get a new contract?
15:21I did get a new contract.
15:22Yeah.
15:23I did get a new contract.
15:24Yeah.
15:25Good for you.
15:26Another year is of twisting those folks at Disney.
15:29Good for you.
15:30Again, good for you.
15:31Yes.
15:32Do you feel like you are more...
15:33Even though you've been off...
15:34You've been off the late show a little over ten years.
15:36Oh, my God.
15:37Yes.
15:38It's been ten years.
15:39It went by like a rocket.
15:40And, yes, it's crazy.
15:41And here's what happens to me now.
15:42People used to know who I am.
15:43Uh, and now, you know, I have to wear a name tag to get anything going.
15:48So I was walking across town just the other day going somewhere, maybe the
16:10farmer's market.
16:12I don't know where I was going.
16:14And a guy comes up to me, and he says,
16:17excuse me, are you who I think you are?
16:20And now, I'm all loaded up, and I respond,
16:23well, you know, that depends on who you think I are.
16:25That always gets a big laugh.
16:31And I said, who do you think I am?
16:32And he said, Dick Van Dyke.
16:33And I said, no!
16:36What is... No! What is...
16:38Because when I was your age,
16:43people my age and younger would come up to me and say,
16:45oh, we watch this show every night. We love it.
16:48And then when I left, oh, we miss you.
16:50And then it would be, oh, my mother watches you now every night.
16:53She... And she really misses you now that you're gone.
16:56And here lately, it's, you know what?
16:59I'd like a picture of you to show to my grandfather,
17:01because...
17:03And his father also.
17:05We used to watch it together in the hospital before,
17:09you know, just like that, so...
17:13You know, I started watching your show with my grandfather
17:15when I was just a teenager.
17:17Is that right?
17:18Yeah, he was very... He loved you.
17:19He loved you very much, yeah.
17:20Very funny guy, yeah.
17:21Glad to hear that. Very good.
17:23When you are in Los Angeles,
17:25which I know you're not here a ton,
17:27what are you... Are there things that you like to do, or...?
17:29Not here a ton. That's not the exact measurement.
17:31But, no, I'm not here often.
17:33Not here frequently. You're right.
17:35Not here a pound.
17:36You know what? Can we start over?
17:40I know you're not here much, but...
17:43Beginning to feel like a ton.
17:46You have put on a lot of weight.
17:48Thank you very much.
17:49I thought you were going to bring me a sack of toys
17:51when you came out here.
17:55There you go.
18:00So, but you... I know what you're hitting up here.
18:02About the...
18:03I discovered this a couple of years ago.
18:05And say what you will about autonomous cars.
18:09And I know you have.
18:10Oh, I have.
18:10I used to think that that was preposterous.
18:13I used to think, where do we live?
18:14Neptune? We got self-driving cars?
18:16So, here's what happened to me not so very long ago.
18:20I'm driving from the airport, and suddenly I see these white cars,
18:25and they got gyroscopes on top of them, and behind,
18:30and they've got glowing light, and they seem more hovering
18:33than driving through these cars.
18:35And I realized, these are Waymo.
18:42That's right.
18:46I'd like to take that back if I could.
18:52I don't know what happened.
18:53You know I don't work blue.
18:55No, you don't.
18:55Oh, for God's sake.
18:56But I love when you do. I really do.
18:58Must be the dry heat.
18:59I don't know what's going on.
19:00So, now, the Waymo cars are swarming me like a pod of dolphins.
19:06They're everywhere.
19:08And I think, relax.
19:10Waymo knows what it's doing.
19:12It's taking me to my destination.
19:14I'm being led by this swarm of Waymos to my destination.
19:18It turned out that wasn't true.
19:19No.
19:20No.
19:21So, now, I'm thrilled, because I started out hating
19:24the idea of autonomous cars.
19:26Now, I'm thrilled by the idea of autonomous cars.
19:29So, I pull up next to Waymo.
19:30I put down my window.
19:31And I'm looking right in there at nobody.
19:33And I believe that this was an expression of joy
19:37expressed in vulgarity.
19:39And I just as l- I leaned out on it as loud as I could.
19:42I said, hey, you, Waymo!
19:52Thank you very much.
19:54Didn't you say the same thing that-
19:55What has happened to me?
19:56Didn't you say that to TiVo when it came out?
19:58I recall.
20:00Oh, I love TiVo a ton.
20:06Look at this one over here, laughing.
20:08Oh, you're really enjoying yourself.
20:11Give me your socials.
20:15But now, so tonight, right after the show, come with me.
20:19Waymo and I, we're going to go get a Christmas tree,
20:22put it on the roof, and drive around LA.
20:23That's a great idea.
20:25Yeah.
20:25And then tomorrow, Waymo and I are riding to New York City.
20:28Oh, you're taking all the way?
20:29Taking all the way to New York City.
20:30Can you do that?
20:31Yes, you can.
20:32You can.
20:33Which will raise awareness for autonomous vehicles.
20:36Well, it's certainly a very worthy cause.
20:39Yeah.
20:39Do you ever now, when you're at home, in your palatial estate,
20:45watching television, think, oh, man, I wish I was on tonight
20:49to talk about something that's going on in the...
20:51Boy, you would think.
20:52But, no, I'm so glad to be out from under this mess,
20:55because people like you and people like Steven and people like Seth
20:59do such a masterful job of this defending democracy.
21:05And about all I'm capable of, of showing up every now and then
21:17and saying, you, Waymo.
21:18That's...
21:19That's...
21:20By the way, that's about all I got.
21:22And...
21:23But I think...
21:25Thank God for you.
21:26Thank God for others, SNL and everybody else.
21:29It's just...
21:30I think it's the way things need to be in a democracy
21:32that's seemingly this crippled.
21:34Well, I would prefer you limited it to me,
21:36but I appreciate...
21:37Well, you, you know.
21:40You did forget Jon Stewart, The Daily Show.
21:42I mean, there are many others that we could include here,
21:44but, um, yeah.
21:45You...
21:46I really...
21:49Does that mean I have to leave now, Jimmy?
21:50No.
21:51Are you still cutting your own hair?
21:57Don't start, son.
22:00I do, you know, I understand.
22:03I do what I can.
22:04I thought I looked not so bad tonight.
22:05You look pretty good, yeah.
22:06Yeah, thank you.
22:07You...
22:07Are you...
22:10The last...
22:11I think about a year...
22:12Around a year ago at this time,
22:14you were serving jury duty.
22:16Is that correct?
22:17Oh, my God, jury duty.
22:18I want to tell you something.
22:19Jury duty is a wonderful thing.
22:21Have you ever been on jury duty?
22:22No, I try to avoid it as best I can.
22:25See, that's a mistake.
22:26And by the way, if they catch up with you,
22:27you're going to prison.
22:28I know.
22:29You can't screw around with this, Jimmy.
22:31I would have thought you would know better.
22:33I have a strategy.
22:34I agree to do it at Christmas time,
22:36and they cancel all the cases at that time.
22:39Every time.
22:40It works well for me.
22:41Remember when I called him
22:47the leader of the resistance?
22:48Do you remember that?
22:50Well, I don't know.
22:53So I get this notice.
22:56You've got to come to jury duty.
22:58Now, listen to this.
22:59This is major league jury duty.
23:01This is the Southern District of New York.
23:03It is a federal jury.
23:05This is big-time stuff,
23:06and they pick guys like me purposefully
23:08because it is big-time stuff
23:09because they know I demand justice.
23:11They know that, huh?
23:17Look at that.
23:18They can sense it.
23:19So you go down there,
23:21and they go to what you put you through, a voodier.
23:23Do you know what that means?
23:24No.
23:25That's where you, the jurors,
23:26it's like this audience.
23:28We would all be selected for jury duty.
23:29We go in for the voodier,
23:31and that's where you get to meet the prosecutors
23:33and the defenders and the defendants themselves.
23:36And so I sat for three cases,
23:39and then one case.
23:40And you're there very, very early.
23:43So I'm there one morning trying to doze.
23:46I'm like this.
23:47And I hear someone say, wakey, wakey.
23:52And I thought, well, that ought to be illegal right there.
23:55So now I'm released from jury duty, that one case.
23:59They say, we don't need you, Mr. Show Business.
24:02We don't want you in here.
24:04So I leave.
24:05But here's what they don't tell you.
24:06They take your cell phone, and they take your keys,
24:10and anything else that could be trouble inside the jury box.
24:14So now I'm outside.
24:15It's 9 in the morning.
24:16There's nobody around that I know.
24:17My friends who dropped me off there at jury duty,
24:19they're all gone.
24:20I got no cell phone.
24:21I don't know what I'm doing.
24:22I'm a lost man.
24:23And I see a woman, like, on the other corner,
24:28and I say, excuse me, could I use your cell phone?
24:30Now, you know that doesn't work.
24:32That would get you arrested, right?
24:33Yeah, it's weird.
24:34It's really weird.
24:35The woman was kind enough to let me use her cell phone.
24:38So I call around people I know.
24:39I don't have car keys. I don't have house keys.
24:42I have nothing. What am I going to do?
24:44Nobody's home. Everybody's out doing it.
24:46Because they don't expect me till noon or later.
24:48Noon, you get a break.
24:50Even justice needs a letter.
24:53So now I'm screwed.
24:57I'm in the southern, I'm over there
24:58in the legal area of the city, and I see a cab.
25:03And it's got the light out, which means passengers in the cab.
25:08And I think, well, hell, I'm Dave Letterman.
25:12So they stop at an intersection, and I say,
25:14I know you've got people in the back.
25:15Hi. But I used to be on TV.
25:18Can I have a ride in your cab?
25:21So the cab driver talks it over with the passengers.
25:23And the passengers, for reasons unbeknownst to me,
25:27say, sure, let him in.
25:28So now it's two people, turns out, from Atlanta,
25:31and me and the cab driver.
25:33And we're going along, and I'm getting to know the people
25:35in the back, and we're chatting, and everything's fine.
25:37The daughter's getting married, and they couldn't be happier,
25:39and they've been out shopping, and this and that.
25:41We get to where they're staying, and I said,
25:43I'll take care of the cab fare.
25:46So they help them with their baggage,
25:48and think about it.
25:49And the driver says, that'll be 120 bucks.
25:51Oh.
25:52And I said, what happened?
25:53He said, well, they came in from JFK.
25:56So that's...
25:57I thought they were just, you know, shopping.
25:58And he said, plus your fare.
26:01So, OK.
26:02So I peel off, and I give him the money.
26:04So now he takes me to my house.
26:06Now, listen to this.
26:07You think the story is dull now.
26:14I get to my apartment.
26:16Guess what?
26:16Show business.
26:18Jason Bateman is doing that Bunny Black Rabbit show.
26:21Oh, yeah.
26:22Yeah, in the bar on the corner where I live.
26:24Jason Bateman. Yes.
26:25And so I can't get in, because I got no keys.
26:28I got no cell phone.
26:29I have nothing.
26:30So I started talking to the crew, and I said,
26:31I want to be in this movie.
26:35And they said, well, no, we're on a schedule.
26:37I said, you're looking at a guy who has nothing to do.
26:40Today was going to be jury duty.
26:42Let me, please, just let me.
26:43So now, out comes Jason Bateman.
26:45And we get to start talking.
26:46And we're reminiscing like old buddies.
26:48And I said, Jason, can you just put me in the dang movie?
26:51And he says, OK.
26:52So, I don't know if you've seen the...
26:54Did you see the Black Rabbit?
26:55Yeah.
26:59So, we're in the bar, shooting the last scene of the last show of the Black Rabbit.
27:06And here's what the scene is.
27:07You've seen it, right?
27:08I have, yeah.
27:09OK.
27:10So, Jason Bateman walks into the crowded bar, and he says, listen up, everybody.
27:13I got some bad news.
27:15The Black Rabbit is missing.
27:17Yeah.
27:18And so, then I say, they cut to me and I say, I'll go check his pen.
27:23David Letterman is with us.
27:27David Letterman is with us.
27:31Oh.
27:32God, that feels good.
27:33Dave, you know, the last time I swung a bat, I hit a gapper in the celebrity Hollywood
27:51stars night for an inside the park home run past the sprinting Lou Ferrigno.
27:56Full blast.
27:57They hit the thighs around one another, so I made it around.
28:00Let's see your Lou Ferrigno again.
28:02Very nice.
28:04And I thought the day couldn't get better.
28:07That is David Letterman with his guest Jason Bateman on season six of My Next Guest Needs
28:13No Introduction premieres December 16th on Netflix.
28:18What's your scouting report on Bateman?
28:20He was surprisingly really good.
28:21I mean, he made excellent contact and it cleared the infield, so he looked pretty good.
28:25Okay.
28:26Yeah.
28:27And some of the balls as we were leaving the stadium had actually rolled to the warning
28:29track.
28:30He is really a very big, he spent more time at Dodgers Stadium than Tommy Lasorda.
28:34He's a huge fan.
28:35Yeah, Tommy Lasorda.
28:36Oh, my God.
28:37Those days were good.
28:38Well, how about now?
28:39You can't get better golden days for the Dodgers than now forever.
28:41Yeah.
28:42That is true.
28:43The, um, you have, um, you have three shows in this new season.
28:48You had a special with Adam Sandler, and I noticed something when I was watching the
28:53Adam Sandler episode, and it's that you and I have something in common, and that is we
28:58are both very bad huggers.
29:01You hugged Adam Sandler in a way that you would hug somebody that you knew had a contagious
29:06disease.
29:07Right.
29:08Right.
29:09It has nothing to do with that.
29:10It has nothing to do with the diseases.
29:11In fact, I would welcome them.
29:12Yeah.
29:13That's probably not what you want to say, is it?
29:16No, I don't.
29:17I didn't mean that exactly.
29:18By the way, you should be on that show.
29:20On what show?
29:21My next guest.
29:22Oh, I would love to be on this show.
29:27I'll tell you, uh, what I love about that show is you get to spend time, and Adam Sandler
29:33and I have known one another as long as I think you and I have known each other.
29:36Yeah.
29:37And it was great fun to just spend time in a context that's a bit different than we have
29:41spent over the years.
29:42Would it hurt my chances of being on the show if I told you that I sometimes lay awake
29:46at night wondering why you haven't asked me to be on the show?
29:50Would it bother you that that was Netflix's decision?
29:54Oh, yes.
29:55Less.
29:56Much less.
29:57Much, much less.
29:58But Adam Sandler, he's a lovable man.
30:03Yes, very.
30:04And of the people that have come through that machine of Saturday Night Live and established
30:09such a great community of comedy, he is second to no one.
30:13That's why I'm saying give the man a decent hug sometime.
30:16What are you suggesting?
30:17Well, let's hug.
30:18Come on.
30:19Okay.
30:20All right.
30:21Do I need to take off my shirt?
30:27My shirt or just the jacket?
30:31You got to have the thing.
30:34This is where your talk show hosting experience really comes in handy.
30:39I'm a little rusty.
30:40Whatever happened a lot?
30:41So, see, now, I would typically...
30:44This is more of an embrace.
30:49Okay.
30:50Get away from me.
30:51Get away from me.
30:52Wow, you've really changed, Dave.
30:54I mean, I remember a time when no one was allowed to touch you at all.
30:59You are, um, I know you are a longtime fan.
31:04I actually enjoyed that.
31:06One of your guests on this season, Mr. Beast, he's a guy that you've been following since...
31:15Oh, Mr. Beast, your buddy.
31:16By the way, Jimmy knows more pleasant, nice show business people than there are in this audience.
31:23And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with you folks, either.
31:25You mean me, Jimmy, or Mr. Beast, Jimmy?
31:28No, you, Jimmy.
31:29Okay.
31:30Yes, and I must say I find it a little intimidating because I would like to be a good, close friend of yours.
31:35And I just don't know that I would measure up to the posse, the corral, the squad, the team.
31:42After that hug, we could probably go on a camping trip together.
31:45Sure.
31:46Thanks.
31:52Michael B. Jordan is one of your guests on the show, as you know.
31:55Whoa, this guy. And I got to hug this guy, too. And he, uh...
31:58He's built, yeah, he is a strong person.
32:01Oh, yes, yes.
32:02No, he, yes, he is, I hugged him, and it was like hugging a statue, honest to God.
32:09Yeah.
32:10He was so, uh, what are statues made of?
32:13A lot of different things.
32:15Marble.
32:16Marble, yeah.
32:17He's like sculpting marble.
32:18And I say that as a person who has hugged my share of statues.
32:27Sometimes you just get the mouth going, and it doesn't make any difference when it comes out.
32:31You just keep talking.
32:32Yeah.
32:33So now we're in London to see, uh, Michael B. Jordan.
32:35And...
32:36Put your jacket on.
32:37Okay, all right, I'll put my jacket on, yes.
32:39You entertain them, I'll get my jacket back on.
32:43Nothing more entertaining than watching you dress.
32:52Usually I have people to do this for me.
32:54I understand, yeah.
32:55It's the first time I put my jacket on by myself.
32:57It's so much fun.
32:58Yeah.
32:59All right.
33:00Uh, so anyway, uh, we, we go into a cigar store in London that I go in frequently when I'm in London.
33:06Uh, and I, I don't smoke.
33:08I go in and I will ask one of the people working there to smoke one for me.
33:13Um, and it's, it's great and it's safe because you get the, the aromatic experience
33:19and you get all of the ceremonial fun of, uh, lighting a cigar and smoking it.
33:23So this time, uh, they give me a cigar and I want somebody to smoke it.
33:27And I'm looking at it and I'm thinking, hmm, I don't know, it's been 22 years.
33:30And the guy says, well, you know, uh, if you smoke that cigar, we have a little something in the basement
33:36that maybe would be of interest to you.
33:38Well, of course, I, I want to find out what's in the basement.
33:41Don't we all?
33:43And, uh, so I light it up and it's, it's immediately 22 years ago.
33:48Uh, and it was like a two week vacation.
33:50Wow.
33:51It was delightful.
33:52And I know that's not what the surgeon general tells you.
33:56It was delightful.
33:57So he says, now, if you'd like to go downstairs, we have the chair that Winston Churchill used
34:03to come into the store and sit in and smoke a cigar.
34:06Wow.
34:07And yeah.
34:08And, uh, right there with being on your show, that is one of the delights.
34:12So I, I sat there and I smoked that thing and I'm telling you, it was, I'm still talking
34:24about it.
34:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:26It was lovely.
34:27Yeah, very nice experience.
34:28But I haven't had a cigar since because you, you shouldn't, you don't.
34:31Well, live a little, you know, maybe once a year you light up a cigar.
34:34Maybe Christmas.
34:35Do you, do you smoke cigars?
34:36You know what?
34:37You want to know something and you're going to think this is crazy.
34:39When I was about 15, I saw you smoking a cigar and I started smoking cigars.
34:44There you go.
34:45Job well done, America.
34:47David Letterman, everyone.
34:49Season five of my next guest needs no introduction from here.
34:53December 16th on Netflix.
34:55We'll be back with Regina Hall.
35:02This week on Jimmy Kimmel Live,
35:05Jamie Lee Curtis, Pete Buttigieg, Rachel Sennett, and Matthew McConaughey.
35:11Plus music from Howard Jones and The Pretty Reckless.
35:22All right there, welcome back.
35:23Our next guest is in two movies this month.
35:25And one, she is a radical revolutionary.
35:27And the other, she's a glowing ghost fish named Barb.
35:30You can see her in Paul Thomas Anderson's One Battle After Another.
35:34Now, please welcome Regina Hall.
35:36How are you doing?
35:40I'm good. How are you?
35:41I'm good. How are you?
35:42I'm good. Did you meet David Letterman?
35:43No!
35:44Oh, I'm sorry.
35:45And I wanted to meet David Letterman.
35:46I'm a huge David Letterman fan.
35:47He's an excellent hugger.
35:48You should really give him a try.
35:49You were blushing.
35:50You looked happy.
35:51I was blushing kind of.
35:52My wife came up and said you were blushing.
35:53More than now while I'm out here.
35:54Well, if we hugged, I'd blushing.
35:55I'd blush.
35:56I would enjoy to see you.
35:57I can't think of that.
35:58I'm good.
35:59Oh, I'm good.
36:00I'm good.
36:01You're good.
36:02I'm good.
36:03I'm good.
36:04You're good.
36:05You're good.
36:06You're good.
36:07You're good.
36:08How are you?
36:09I'm good.
36:10I'm good.
36:11How are you?
36:12I'm good.
36:13Did you meet David Letterman?
36:14No!
36:15Well, if we hugged, I'd blush also.
36:18Yeah, okay.
36:19How are you doing?
36:20I'm good.
36:21Good.
36:22I'm glad to hear that.
36:23Yeah.
36:24You've got a lot of things going on, don't you?
36:25I do.
36:26Yeah.
36:27I do.
36:28Two movies?
36:29Who was your person like Letterman growing up?
36:30Did you have somebody that you really admired?
36:32Well, I watched Letterman.
36:34I'm like you, of course.
36:35Oh, wow.
36:36Yeah.
36:37I wanted to do Letterman.
36:38That didn't happen.
36:39Well, he retired, right?
36:40Yeah.
36:41Well, no.
36:42I was there before.
36:43Oh.
36:44He had a lot of people who wanted to be there, too.
36:47You know what I mean?
36:48It wasn't like just me.
36:49So it was hard.
36:50I think I just didn't, you know.
36:51And then he retired.
36:52Yeah, yeah.
36:53But then he had another show.
36:54But I haven't gotten on that one either.
36:56I don't know.
36:58That's why I wanted him to be there tonight.
36:59Patience is really what it is.
37:00Patience.
37:01That's the virtue.
37:02Right.
37:03Last time you were here, you had a raccoon problem.
37:05Did you get that cleared up?
37:06I did.
37:07You did.
37:08The raccoons are gone.
37:09I got a snake.
37:10And so the snake, I think, deterred the raccoon.
37:13You got a snake?
37:14Well, I didn't get a snake.
37:15I mean, a snake cane.
37:16I mean, like the raccoons.
37:17I don't have a pet snake.
37:18This is like that if you give a mouse a cookie book, you know?
37:20I know.
37:21So the snake showed up in your yard.
37:22The snake was in the yard.
37:23And scared away the raccoons.
37:24I guess.
37:25What kind of snake is this?
37:26I was told by the gardeners it rattled.
37:28Oh, and they left a rattlesnake in you?
37:29I would rather have the raccoons.
37:30I got a snake wrangler.
37:31You did?
37:32Yeah.
37:33There's a job.
37:34This is the truth.
37:35Full-time?
37:36I got a snake wrangler.
37:37Yeah, he lives with me now.
37:38No, no, no.
37:39I got...
37:40Called the snake wrangler.
37:41This is the truth.
37:42Snake wrangler comes, gets the thing out.
37:43And I said, what's the worst animal you've ever, like, had to deal with?
38:00He said, the worst bite he got was from a raccoon.
38:05Oh.
38:06Okay, so you picked the right guy.
38:07Or the right snake came to get rid of the raccoon.
38:10Or the right snake, yeah.
38:12left the snake, or he took the snake?
38:14No, he couldn't find the snake.
38:16Oh.
38:16But he put snake repellent around,
38:19and I haven't seen him say.
38:20There's such a thing as snake repellent?
38:23There is.
38:23And yet, the raccoons did not return once they saw the snake.
38:28I believe that that's what happened.
38:30The-the yard, it did no longer look like a poquito moss,
38:34with everything rolled up.
38:36So I'm assuming that they were dead.
38:38Something got them gone.
38:39By the way, you're fantastic in this movie.
38:41One Battle After Another.
38:42I know you got...
38:44Thank you, guys. Thank you, thank you.
38:45You got the SpongeBob movie.
38:47SpongeBob.
38:48And One Battle After Another.
38:50Different films, not...
38:52Slightly.
38:53Yeah.
38:54Slightly, yeah.
38:55Where did you shoot the opening scene
38:57of One Battle After Another?
38:58Was that on the Mexican border?
39:00I think it was my yard.
39:00No, with the raccoons.
39:02It was on the Mexican border.
39:04It really was?
39:05It really was.
39:06That wasn't like shot in, like, Tucson or CGI or something like that?
39:10No, it wasn't CGI'd, and what's worse is, or better, what's better or worse, is the wall
39:16was not impressive.
39:17It wasn't.
39:18It was not.
39:19Are you saying...
39:20Like, I could bend low here, and I'd be like, it's kind of like the wall.
39:23Are you trying to tell me that President Trump, who promised to build a wall and make Mexico
39:29pay for it, didn't follow through on that promise?
39:32I know.
39:33I'm surprised, too.
39:34I'm shocked.
39:35But, yeah.
39:36No.
39:37It's not like this.
39:38I know.
39:39It's not.
39:40No.
39:41It's not at all.
39:42Not at all.
39:43Have you been in an animated film before?
39:45This is my first one.
39:46Oh, this is your first one.
39:48And are you a SpongeBob person in general?
39:52Well, I am now.
39:54You are now.
39:55You know, I have friends whose children were SpongeBob people, and now they're SpongeBob
40:01adults.
40:02SpongeBob's been around.
40:03Yes, SpongeBob has been around for quite some time.
40:05SpongeBob has legs.
40:07It's the bob that keeps on sponging.
40:09It does.
40:10It is.
40:11And I play a pirate fish.
40:14A pirate fish.
40:15Yeah.
40:16Yeah.
40:17The dreaded pirate fish.
40:18Yeah.
40:19And she has...
40:20Oh, she doesn't have all of her teeth.
40:22And she has one eye.
40:24I know.
40:25She's cute, though.
40:26I know.
40:27Pirates only need one eye, because they've got the patch.
40:30Which eye does she wear the patch over?
40:32Well, one eye is like a...
40:34It zooms out.
40:35It's like a telescope.
40:36So it's kind of like an eye and not an eye.
40:39Okay.
40:40Yeah.
40:41And when you're voicing that, do you close one, or you just do it regularly?
40:44That's a good idea.
40:45I should have done it.
40:46Damn it.
40:47Maybe think about it for the sequel.
40:48I know.
40:49Yeah, I know.
40:50Except to see...
40:51I mean, I didn't close one eye, but I...
40:53I honestly would have done it, now that you suggest that to me.
40:56Well, just...
40:57Where were you last year?
40:58Next time, just give me a ring.
40:59I will.
41:00And if you have anything going on, I'll give you tips.
41:01Have you done one?
41:02Have you done one?
41:03What, an animated thing?
41:04Yeah.
41:05Oh, yeah.
41:06Both eyes.
41:07That's how I do it.
41:10Well, it's great to see you.
41:12Congratulations.
41:13One battle after another.
41:14A very great movie in theaters on demand now.
41:18And the SpongeBob movie, Search for Squarepants, opens a week from Friday.
41:29Well, that was fun.
41:30Thanks to David Letterman.
41:31Thank you, Regina Hall.
41:32Apologies to Matt Damon.
41:33We did run out of time for him.
41:35Nightline is next.
41:37Good night.
41:38And let's go for a while.
41:39Look at the NASAよ.
41:43And we'll see you next time on in 2 weeks.
41:46Thank you, guys.
41:47We have unreal.
41:48Good night.
41:49Thank you, Laura.
41:50I'm over to both of us.
41:51See you next day.
41:52You won't come near the last thing.
41:53And we're here to see you next time.
41:54Come on in and there.
41:55Come on in.
41:56Bye, guys.
41:57We'll see you next time.
41:58Thank you, everybody, our next day.
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