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01:30It was just him and a microphone, but he had the whole room in his hand.
01:34He's talking about luck.
01:35I mean, luck.
01:36I have no luck.
01:38The other day, I prayed to God.
01:40I said, please, God, please let me win the lottery.
01:44And nothing.
01:45And then this morning on my way to work, I actually cried out to the heavens.
01:48I said, please, God, let me win the lottery.
01:52And then the clouds parted, and this light shone down, and this booming voice said,
01:57Ted, meet me halfway.
02:00Buy a ticket.
02:04Take care of yourselves, everybody.
02:06And each other.
02:08Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
02:09All my life, I'd looked up to comedians, but I'd never actually met one before.
02:26Mr. Turpin?
02:29Entrez-vous.
02:32I'm a huge fan, sir.
02:34I watched both shows, the matinee and the evening, and you were amazing.
02:39Thanks.
02:41Could you sign my poster?
02:44What's your name, kid?
02:46Mark.
02:46I'm a comedian, too.
02:50Well, if you've got jokes, you should come to the open mic tomorrow afternoon at the Strand Lounge.
02:55Really?
02:56I'm trying out some new material, so I kind of need someone to make me look good.
03:01You're underage, yeah?
03:03You're not just malnourished.
03:04Oh, I'm 14.
03:06Okay.
03:06Well, make sure your parents know.
03:08It's a bar, so you get a note or something, all right?
03:11There you go.
03:13I'll be there.
03:14I knew two things.
03:16I was going to take to that stage, and I was not going to tell my parents.
03:29Hey, out of my chair before I throw you out.
03:32Pop, she's pregnant.
03:34Well, then I'm going to need help.
03:36It's really good for my back.
03:38Oh, yes.
03:39It's nice and solid.
03:41It's wonderful for people with bad backs.
03:43Mm-hmm.
03:46That girl is not even going to budge.
03:54She's like a beached whale, and he's not even the kid's father.
03:57I feel for her, but she's here day and night.
04:01I mean, don't she got a family?
04:03Even E.T. phoned home.
04:04She's nesting.
04:05What?
04:05Full-on nesting.
04:07Oh, I have the same problem with shrews in the attic one winter.
04:11Once they move in, you can't get them out.
04:14They pick a corner, and they'll live there forever.
04:17She is getting so familiar, I don't know what to say.
04:22I can't eat.
04:23My back hurts too much.
04:25I think I'm going to have a bath.
04:26Oh, hey, Mom's got some special shampoo.
04:29I'll go grab it for you.
04:34She has got to go.
04:36How does a boy ditch school to perform in a bar?
04:41I had a plan.
04:43Hello, Miss McDonald.
04:45You were looking lovely today.
04:47Is that a new blouse?
04:49Could I make a last-minute addition to the announcement sheet?
04:52Not for me, of course, but for Miss Fowler.
04:55She asked me to.
04:55The poor woman is swamped.
05:03The St. Bridget's Crusaders will be playing the St. Teresa's Trojans in boys hockey Saturday.
05:10Good luck to them.
05:12And would Mark Critch please come to the office?
05:16Freedom.
05:17It was a jailbreak.
05:19Who needed school anyway?
05:20I was a professional comedian.
05:25Can you change the channel?
05:28I got it, babe.
05:31Can you get me another slice of bologna?
05:32All right, all right.
05:33You're not expecting twins.
05:35Hey, Mom, can you get Linda another slice of bologna?
05:37Where are you going?
05:38The station.
05:39I got afternoon drive till six.
05:41Oh, you'll be going with him then, huh?
05:43No, I think I'll just wait here till he gets back.
05:46You know, only going to be a couple hours.
05:49Oh.
05:50Oh.
05:54What's that smell?
05:55Supper?
05:57The smell is making me nauseous.
05:58Can someone open a window?
06:00What smell?
06:00I'm boiling potatoes.
06:04The Strand Lounge, where people came to drown their sorrows.
06:09To be drunk at this hour meant you'd either started way too early or you woke up there.
06:14My diet cola stood out more than my age.
06:17Hey, you made it.
06:21Hi.
06:24Interesting spot.
06:25Yeah.
06:26Best to make your mistakes where nobody will remember them.
06:30So you got your note?
06:30Yes, of course.
06:33Hey.
06:35Hey.
06:36You wrote this.
06:38Well, I...
06:39I don't want to know.
06:40This is from the kid's parents.
06:43Okay.
06:45You ready?
06:45With good courage.
06:48Good courage.
06:55Hello.
06:56Ladies and gentlemen.
06:58How's everyone doing this afternoon?
07:00I love this place.
07:06It actually reminds me of my own home.
07:08You know, it's filthy and it's full of strangers.
07:11That joke it killed in the theater.
07:13But here, among the day drinking and the hum of the cooler, it fell flatter than my cola.
07:18Oh, yes.
07:19I'd like a cab at the Strand.
07:23You mind calling me one?
07:25Just so I can drive it into the ocean?
07:28Oh, okay, okay.
07:29So what I'm going to do is I'm going to warm you all up right now with a hot young comedian.
07:35In case it's his first time performing at the Strand.
07:38Please put your hands together for Mark.
07:42What's your name again, kid?
07:44Critch.
07:45Right, right.
07:45Mark Critch.
07:46Let's hear it for him.
07:48My heart was pounding.
07:51My stomach swirled.
07:53And I immediately had to pee.
07:54All the moisture left my mouth and went straight to my bladder.
07:58I'd been on stage before, but this was the big leagues.
08:02Uh, hello?
08:06My name is Mark.
08:07I'm 14.
08:10I cut school to be here.
08:12We're learning about the ozone layer.
08:14They found the biggest hole yet.
08:16It's an even bigger hole than this place.
08:18I hear they're making an electric car.
08:26An electric car, folks.
08:28I hear it's going to cost $30,000.
08:31$10,000 for the car, $20,000 for the extension cord.
08:35Oh, where are you from, ma'am?
08:43Huh?
08:44Uh, I said, where are you from?
08:46St. John's.
08:47Right.
08:49And what do you do for work?
08:50I lost my job.
08:51I couldn't have bombed bigger if I was Oppenheimer.
09:03Um, you've been a great crowd.
09:09Hey, kid.
09:11Don't worry about your set.
09:13You'll get him the next time.
09:14Really?
09:15Next time?
09:16That was humiliating.
09:17Oh, you've got to get right back on the horse.
09:20Why don't you come back tomorrow for cabaret night?
09:24Really?
09:25You think I'm good enough to come back?
09:27Well, no, but I had a guy just drop out.
09:31Look, stop trying to be Johnny Carson.
09:34Okay?
09:34We already got one of those.
09:36Just be yourself.
09:37Okay?
09:38I want to know who you are.
09:42Who I really am.
09:45Got it.
09:46No, no, I mean, I want to know who you are.
09:49I forget your name again.
09:51Oh, oh, Mark Critch.
09:53Oh, okay.
09:55Okay, give it up for Mark Critch, ladies and gentlemen.
09:58Ted told me to mind comedy from my own life, but what was so funny about my family?
10:10I share a room with my grandfather.
10:12Pop, I said.
10:13You're snoring.
10:16And he told me?
10:19What?
10:20I'm not snoring.
10:22I'm dreaming I'm a motorcycle.
10:26And there's no privacy.
10:27I mean, I locked the door for two seconds, and he's all, open up.
10:32Locked doors are for prisoners and perverts.
10:37I've been Mark Critch, and you've been a great crowd.
10:41Oh, that's too much, y'all.
10:45Hey, open up.
10:46Locked doors are for prisoners and perverts.
10:49Yep, one sec.
10:53My family was both a source of characters and costumes.
10:57Well, where's all my shirts?
11:10They say, write what you know.
11:12And if there's one thing I knew, it was being embarrassed by my parents.
11:16Linda, you're still here.
11:36Too sick to move.
11:37Mom could take almost anything, except for a wet spoon in the sugar bowl.
11:45Do you have any fresh milk?
11:47I don't really like the tin stuff.
11:48Where do you get off?
11:54I am not your maid, Missy.
11:56In this house, we get up off the couch and get things ourself.
11:59That's what I'm doing.
12:00Except for tea.
12:01I get some tea around here.
12:03You're making your own milk.
12:04Drink that.
12:04I'm so sorry, Mrs. Critch.
12:07I guess maybe I just like the feeling of being a baby myself before I gotta go off and have one.
12:12Where is your own mother, too?
12:15She's, um, not around, so I don't know.
12:21Sit down, girl.
12:22My mother wasn't around, either.
12:31I had to figure it all out on my own, too.
12:34God, I got a million questions.
12:36Well, you can ask me any questions you got.
12:40How did you raise such a good kid as Mike?
12:43Mike?
12:44Good?
12:46Oh, I suppose.
12:49Molly's always been a sweet boy.
12:50Like, honest to God, if it wasn't for him, I don't know what I'd do.
12:57I'm meant to tell Mike right away on our first date, but I thought it would just be one date, you know?
13:04I just wanted one normal night.
13:07I mean, when was I ever gonna have that again?
13:10But he was so sweet.
13:13I wanted one more and then another.
13:17And when I got so big, I had to tell him?
13:20He didn't care.
13:22He just said, that don't change a thing.
13:26If my kid turns out half as good as Mike, I'll be over the moon.
13:33Well, he still leaves his drawers everywhere, so he's not perfect.
13:39But I love them.
13:44And once you hear a mother, you'll see.
13:48Your family will be your whole world.
13:51Mary, where's my jacket?
13:53Oh, look up your arse.
13:54Your head's already up there.
13:59I'll put the kettle back on.
14:00Mike, another PSA's come in.
14:11Gertie, I told you once, I told you a thousand times, the cutoff for the PSA's is at three o'clock.
14:16I know, but I thought you want to read that one, see, and it's a...
14:18And now, your VOCM Cares public service announcements.
14:22Driving bingos to go at St. Kevin's with plenty of parking, so every player gets a free space.
14:27St. Teresa's holding a flea market Sunday from noon to three.
14:30And the RNC are holding a moose dinner at the Legion Saturday night.
14:33And tonight at the Strand Lounge is a cabaret hosted by Ted Turpin.
14:36With the McCarthy Sisters, Al Clouston, Merck Critch, the Clancy Dancers, and more.
14:42Showtime for that is seven o'clock.
14:44That's your VOCM community calendar.
14:46Drive safely, arrive alive.
14:48VOCM Cares.
14:50That's sweet about your young fella.
14:51Huh?
14:53Playing the show?
14:54What show?
14:55Down at the bar.
14:55I didn't know he was old enough to be at that.
14:58Merck's only 14, he couldn't be...
15:00Good God.
15:06Ted, I've got a whole new act.
15:16Hey, so, what's in the bag?
15:18Costumes.
15:19I'm doing characters now.
15:21Huh, God help us.
15:23I thought yesterday was my big break, but tonight was even bigger.
15:27This time, they turned the TVs off.
15:30Welcome!
15:32Welcome to the cabaret.
15:33Ladies and gentlemen, we've got an incredible assortment of some of the finest acts that $5 cover can buy.
15:41What did you do?
15:44The acts were terrible, but to me, there was no better show on earth.
16:02Thank you very much.
16:06Okay, up next, we have a promising young comedian making his debut.
16:24Please welcome, Merck Grinch.
16:26I've been making fun of my family my whole life.
16:36How hard could it be?
16:40Hello?
16:42I'm Merck, 14.
16:44But if anyone's asking for IDs, I'm 27, and my name's Hector.
16:49Who are you?
17:01Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
17:04You know, I share a room with my grandfather.
17:06Yeah, Willy Wonka style.
17:07It's crazy.
17:09Look, it's not so bad.
17:10He just has a few bad habits is all.
17:13I'm trying to get him to stop biting his nails.
17:15Yeah.
17:16So I hid his dentures.
17:17But he never listens.
17:21Oh, Pop's really cheap.
17:23He's so cheap that when he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light and turn it off.
17:30Oh, wow, what a family.
17:32You know, my dad's on the radio.
17:34He's a news reporter on VOCM.
17:36Hmm.
17:37You know my dad, right?
17:38Mike Critch.
17:39The only problem with being a news reporter in a town this size is that there isn't really
17:46any news to report.
17:48Hmm.
17:56Late last night, early this morning, a moose was struck on the Trans-Canada Highway.
18:01The name of the moose has not yet been released, but the suspect vehicle is described as a brown
18:08and tan chabat with a moose on it.
18:12Two men killed?
18:14One seriously.
18:16This is Mike Critch for the VOCM News Service.
18:20And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Moose Critch.
18:44Let's go.
18:46Ladies and gentlemen, Mike and Mark Critch.
18:51Whoa.
18:52You've been great, folks.
18:54Let's hear it.
18:55Come on, come on.
18:57I was caught red-jacketed.
18:59I knew dad was furious, but his yelling was drowned out by sweet, merciful laughter.
19:04It really was the best medicine.
19:05This is the height of ignorance.
19:07I've never been so embarrassed.
19:09Hey, Mr. Critch.
19:10Hey.
19:11It's great to meet you.
19:12I'm a long-time listener.
19:14Buddy, you got some nerve having a youngster in here underage
19:17who can call the cops after a liquor license revoked and you up on charges.
19:19It's not his fault, dad.
19:21I gave him a note.
19:22It's not enough to make fun of me on stage.
19:23You got to go around forging my signature, too?
19:26We're leaving.
19:27Hey, hey, hey.
19:29Before you go, this is for you.
19:31What is it?
19:33It's your cut of the door.
19:35You're not an amateur anymore, kid.
19:37You're a pro.
19:39A pro?
19:40We're leaving.
19:40But I want you to see the fellow with the puppet.
19:47Okay.
19:48That's it, folks.
19:49Thank you very much and good night.
19:55I'd never seen my dad this angry.
19:57I made a mental note to remember it from my act.
20:00I have never been more humiliated.
20:04Sorry, dad.
20:05It was just a joke.
20:08Is that what I am to you?
20:09A joke?
20:10No.
20:11No.
20:12No.
20:13I...
20:13If I want to be really funny,
20:16I have to talk about my real life.
20:18What about my life, eh?
20:20What if my boss had been there?
20:21He would have thought I'd given you my work code.
20:23I could be depatched.
20:25Impersonating a VOC employee in public court card.
20:30I'm sorry.
20:31I should have talked to you about it first.
20:33I just wanted to be liked.
20:37I wanted to be like you.
20:41Dad.
20:43Everybody loves you.
20:45I was in big trouble.
20:56But it was worth it.
20:56I was 14 years old and I was a professional comedian.
21:01Technically.
21:04I'd lied more than Pinocchio to book my first gig,
21:07but I'd learned how important it is to tell the truth on stage.
21:10And when it came to stages,
21:12it didn't matter where it was,
21:13but what you said on it.
21:15With a moose on it.
21:17Well now, happiness.
21:19Two men dead?
21:20One seriously.
21:21The most personal things in life
21:23can also be the most universal.
21:26Because that's where all the rock stars shop for their guitars.
21:29We have more in common than we think.
21:40Everybody else like,
21:41uh, mirror, ruster?
21:42Oh.
21:45Now, what are you doing?
21:46I'm going to go around, right?
21:51The most important thing of all
21:54is to be able to laugh at yourself.
21:58Hmph.
22:02My crits for the VOC and news service.
22:21My crits for the VOC and news service.
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