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01:30This was my chance to be the center of attention for the entire day.
01:33Happy birthday to you.
01:38Happy birthday, Mr. Cringe.
01:44Happy birthday to you.
01:48That's my boy.
02:00That's no boy.
02:02That's a man.
02:06Good morning.
02:07The birthday boy is here.
02:11Watch the door now.
02:15Where do you want this, Mary?
02:16Put it anywhere.
02:19Look there.
02:20Look over here.
02:22Every spring, my family moved everything outside so I could get some air on it.
02:27Pop, you get your feet off us.
02:29Why?
02:30The couch is dirtier than my shoes.
02:32You might say that it's a pretty special day.
02:36Sure is, son.
02:37Today's the day we air out the house.
02:39Now go get your bedclothes and put them on the picnic table.
02:41The love seat was getting more attention than I was.
02:45Well, well, well.
02:48Oh, it looks like you've got something pretty big today, huh?
02:52A real humdinger of a dimple.
02:57What?
02:58As if everyone forgetting my birthday wasn't bad enough, I'd sprouted the Mount Vesuvius of zits.
03:05No!
03:06I could only hope it would pop as easily as my expectations.
03:13Occupied.
03:14Poland wasn't occupied this long.
03:18Concealer.
03:18Happy birthday to me.
03:20This flat is 80 years old.
03:22This was not as easy breezy as in the commercials.
03:24As soon as it went on, it was washed off by floods of flop sweat.
03:28Nothing a little deodorant wouldn't fix.
03:31Oh, come on, lad.
03:35Oh, God.
03:37Finally.
03:38Go on, get out.
03:39You're in the splash zone.
03:41Oh, God.
03:42Oh.
03:54What's wrong with your face?
03:56Everything.
03:57I don't know what you mean.
03:59You caught white gunk on your forehead.
04:04Oh.
04:06Moisturizer.
04:07You know, it's never too early to take care of your skin.
04:12The deodorant had dried, making it worse.
04:15Here.
04:17Happy birthday, nerd.
04:18Thanks.
04:24Exactly what I wanted.
04:25Happy birthday, loser.
04:28Getting flakied.
04:29A long-held birthday tradition.
04:31There's only one thing worse.
04:32It's your birthday.
04:34You know what that means.
04:36No.
04:38The bumps.
04:39One for every year of your life.
04:41Suddenly having people forget my birthday didn't seem like such a bad thing.
04:45Uh-oh.
04:48Happy birthday, Mark.
04:50What?
04:51Six.
04:53Seven.
04:54You see the look on Mark's face.
04:56He thinks we forgot his birthday.
04:59Sin.
04:59God, I love surprise parties.
05:01I got the decorations.
05:03I don't know if you wanted neon green or neon orange, so I got both.
05:07Oh, God.
05:08Is this a birthday party or the coronation?
05:10Shh.
05:12Where are the party at?
05:14Shoot.
05:14You know what?
05:15Uh, I forgot to get them, but I can go and pick them up when I grab Linda.
05:18Linda?
05:19You're not going out in the town on your brother's birthday.
05:22No, no, no.
05:22She's coming to the party.
05:24It's a family celebration.
05:26I think what your mother is trying to say is that Linda seems very nice.
05:30You shouldn't feel obligated to stay with someone in trouble if you're not the one who troubled them.
05:38I already told you guys, I'm not the father.
05:39Then stop playing like you are.
05:42I'm not playing anything.
05:43I'm not a kid, Mom.
05:45Okay?
05:45And my girlfriend is coming to the party or I'm not.
05:52Great job on the duck.
05:55Whoa.
06:02Dude, that is angry.
06:04I can't go back out like this.
06:06I'm a monster.
06:07Look, it's perfectly natural.
06:09Hormones.
06:10They're raging inside of us.
06:11Next comes body hair, then mood swings, and...
06:15Well, you know.
06:18I didn't know.
06:19Oh, yeah.
06:20Totally.
06:22Oh, man.
06:23You haven't had the talk yet?
06:25My dad just gave it to me.
06:26And, dude, it was wild.
06:28As you become a man, your body changes in the following ten ways.
06:33Five of which are disgusting, and two are terrifying.
06:46Aw.
06:47Okay, the little sookie babies need the talk.
06:51So?
06:52How else are we supposed to know about puberty?
06:54I know all about the ladies, bits and bobs.
06:57The here and there of, uh, them.
07:00Meet me after school.
07:02I'm going to show you something that'll blow your minds.
07:08All right.
07:09On three?
07:09One, two, three.
07:11Okay, good.
07:13Bring it around to you.
07:15Good.
07:15Hit them all.
07:16Hit them all.
07:17Oh, good.
07:18Watch this.
07:20What?
07:23Oh, my goodness.
07:25Yeah.
07:26Oh, I thought these were long gone.
07:29She's pretty cute.
07:30Yeah?
07:30Who is she?
07:32Sister Rose.
07:34Gross.
07:35We must have been about your age.
07:37What happened?
07:37I was a fool.
07:38We let other people pressure us into walking away from the ones we loved.
07:48Your mom got to you, too, huh?
07:51You follow your heart, son.
07:52You don't want to end up when you're 80, looking at old photographs and wondering what might have been.
08:00Alone in the woods with Fox's brother, I couldn't help wondering if this would turn out to be my last birthday.
08:14Oh, careful.
08:20It's dirty.
08:21It's got mud all over it.
08:23No, I mean the good kind of dirty.
08:25He was right.
08:26It wasn't just a dirty magazine.
08:28It was a dirty magazine.
08:30It's just a loner.
08:32Bring it back tomorrow.
08:34I can't take this home.
08:35What if someone sees?
08:36I'll take it.
08:38On the other hand, I wouldn't want to be rude.
08:40Then don't look at page five.
08:44Happy birthday, kid.
08:45My first nudie magazine.
09:07I couldn't wait to have time to look through it, purely for educational purposes, of course.
09:13I needed the perfect hiding place.
09:15Under the mattress.
09:20Pop's water jug.
09:22No.
09:24Dean Martin's French style.
09:26The raciest thing I owned.
09:28Until now.
09:36Mark.
09:37Busted.
09:38I need to see you outside.
09:41Now.
09:41My dad hit the snooze button on my sexual awakening.
09:49Surprise!
09:51I should have known my family wouldn't forget my big day.
09:54I could feel my heart beating deep in my zit.
09:56Happy birthday, Mark.
09:58Yeah, nothing else to hear.
10:00No.
10:00I love your birthday.
10:01You're burning these burgers to a crisp.
10:03I mean, look.
10:04The burger's not Joan of Arc.
10:06Here, turn this one over.
10:08And this one here is practically raw.
10:10Oh, why don't you have a seat, dear?
10:13I don't mind helping.
10:14Oh, nonsense.
10:15What kind of host would we be if we let the guests sit at the table?
10:18I should have been more grateful.
10:21But for the first time, I was more interested in birthday suits than birthdays.
10:26Oh.
10:27Oh.
10:28That's a shame.
10:29I think we're all out of, uh, napkins.
10:31I'll go in and go sort it out.
10:34Good God!
10:36I'm gonna move this thing along.
10:37I'm hungry.
10:38So, Linda, how is your family?
10:41Your mother, your father, the father.
10:45Look, if you've got something to say, why don't you just come out and say it?
10:48You want to talk?
10:49Okay.
10:51You are too young to be getting this serious.
10:54She, they, are not your responsibility.
10:58That's none of your business.
10:59Oh, it is so my business because you live in my house, don't you?
11:02I should get you there, boy.
11:06Pop understands.
11:07He said I should follow my heart.
11:09You didn't.
11:10What?
11:10Oh, come on.
11:12I mean, it wasn't that long ago when you were in their shoes.
11:15I mean, I was against it at the time, but everything turned out just fine.
11:19Where is Mark with those napkins?
11:21Oh, this is rich.
11:22You've been looking down your nose at me this whole time, and we're the same me and you.
11:25No, no, no, no.
11:26We got married eventually.
11:28You two, that means I'm a bastard, yes.
11:32Mike, you're a dog.
11:34Why's your own damn business, Dick?
11:35You two are total hypocrites.
11:38You don't get to talk about me and Linda ever.
11:41We're just looking out for you.
11:42That's right.
11:44You're still young.
11:45You can travel.
11:47You can do things, have a life.
11:49We don't want you to make the same mistakes we made.
11:54Mistakes?
11:54Oh, hey, rain!
12:02Oh, my God!
12:03Grab the cane!
12:03I like my hand!
12:04Get the bones!
12:05Get the bones!
12:06Quick, quick!
12:07Save me some icing!
12:08Could you grab that key?
12:12Happy birthday to me!
12:13Happy birthday to me!
12:24What the flying friggety freak!
12:28You look at that!
12:29Don't look at it!
12:30Look at it without looking at it!
12:31I just want to say, I'm as shocked as you are.
12:33I've never seen that.
12:34I just, I just...
12:35I'm not even old enough to look at this.
12:38Hey, hey, I told you to stay out of my room.
12:40I didn't go in your room!
12:41Hmm, what?
12:42What?
12:43Yeah.
12:43False alarm.
12:46My God!
12:47Everyone in this house is perverted!
12:49Yeah, you can say that again.
12:52That's it.
12:53Mike, it is time for the talk.
12:55Oh.
12:56No, anything but the talk!
12:58Too late for the talk after this.
13:01No, I mean, couldn't be any clearer,
13:03unless, of course, it was a pop-up book.
13:06This is neither a time nor a place for this.
13:08You never gave that one the talk.
13:11And look how he turned out.
13:12I think he turned out just fine.
13:16Well, if you don't mind,
13:18this is a family discussion.
13:20This is...
13:21Disgusting.
13:22Mary!
13:23Really disgusting.
13:25What are you...
13:26Uh, yeah.
13:32I'll hang on to this, just in case.
13:33Just what I needed.
13:36A sex talk from a man who sleeps in a twin bed.
13:39You're getting older now.
13:41And there's luck going on.
13:44Everything's all...
13:46Upset.
13:47Your body is like a kettle.
13:53And it heats to a certain point,
13:56and then it sort of goes off.
14:00But you can't.
14:04Any questions?
14:06Hmm.
14:06Good.
14:09Tell your mother I just told you a bunch of stuff,
14:11all right?
14:11Now go on.
14:13Do I have to do everything?
14:15Sit.
14:16This is a boy.
14:17This is a girl.
14:18I don't remember what she said
14:20or even what the orange was for.
14:22I just longed to go back to when I was 13.
14:25Young and naive
14:26and still able to eat fruit.
14:28Mike,
14:29go toss that pornography into the trash.
14:31Oh, no.
14:32You can't throw it out.
14:34Fox's brother will kill me.
14:35Aha.
14:35So that's who gave it to you.
14:38No.
14:40That.
14:43That's right, Suzanne.
14:44Your son brought a dirty magazine to school.
14:47Oh, you bet your arse
14:49the principal's gonna hear about this.
14:53On the bright side,
14:54Sister Rose couldn't punish me.
14:57You can't punish the dead.
14:59What the frig were you thinking
15:01and showing your ma that skin mag?
15:02I didn't do it on purpose.
15:04She just found it.
15:05I knew I shouldn't have given it to a baby.
15:06No.
15:09Hey, what was that?
15:10Uh, um.
15:12What?
15:13Just
15:14so weird sometimes.
15:18What?
15:19How could I tell Fox I liked her?
15:21She was about to find out I was a pervert.
15:23It has come to my attention
15:26that some of you have been reading
15:29disgusting
15:30literature.
15:34Pornography.
15:35What?
15:36The devil's atlas.
15:38Sick.
15:39It certainly is.
15:41I prayed for the earth to open
15:42and drag me to hell right then and there.
15:44Sexual immorality.
15:46I won't say who it was,
15:50but I was equally
15:51shocked
15:54and not surprised.
15:57So,
15:58you will all be having a special lesson today
16:05on sexual education.
16:09Watching a porno?
16:10It's natural to be curious.
16:14Adam and Eve
16:16were curious.
16:17And that curiosity
16:19led to shame.
16:22Let that shame
16:24fuel today's lesson,
16:26children.
16:27Now,
16:28the girls,
16:29please follow me.
16:29What about the boys?
16:34Father Garcia
16:35will be talking with you.
16:38God help us all.
16:40Sister,
16:41I know what you're thinking.
16:44What could Father Garcia
16:46possibly know about sex?
16:48Well,
16:49I wasn't always a priest.
16:51No.
16:52In fact,
16:52this one time
16:53I met this wild gal
16:55named Gloria
16:56back when I was
16:57traveling through Barcelona.
17:00Oh, yeah.
17:02She taught me more
17:03than just how to order a cerveza,
17:05if you know what I mean.
17:08Oh.
17:10The two became one flesh.
17:12A bunch of times that week.
17:14Wow.
17:15Anyway,
17:16what I'm trying to say
17:17is
17:17I know a thing or two
17:19about hormones.
17:21Great.
17:21Even the priest
17:22knew more about girls
17:23than I did.
17:24Three sex talks
17:25and I still didn't know anything.
17:32Oh, my God.
17:35It smells fresher in here
17:36than it does outside.
17:38Wouldn't you say, Mike?
17:41Mike.
17:44Enough of the silent treatment.
17:46What is going on?
17:47I know young Mike is making a mistake.
17:55I just didn't know you thought
17:56that we were a mistake.
17:59What are you on about?
18:00Of course we were a mistake.
18:03Best mistake I ever made.
18:10Did you see the way
18:11she stood up for Mike?
18:12I think he turned out just fine.
18:16Seems like it was just yesterday
18:18that was you and me.
18:21Remember when we were there, H?
18:23Oh, the things we got up to.
18:25Oh, no.
18:26Oh, no.
18:29Oh, no.
18:29Oh, no.
18:31And here comes a constant reminder.
18:34I'm not going to drag my doll.
18:35The hell you will.
18:36Mary, honey, honey, just give it a rest.
18:39I will not.
18:41You know the rules.
18:42Everyone in this family
18:43has to clean up after themselves.
18:45And seeing as you're in no condition
18:47to carry furniture,
18:49it's a good thing that there's a sink
18:50full of dirty dishes over there
18:51that need to be done.
18:54Go on.
18:55They're both of you.
18:55Another year older,
19:05but no closer to love.
19:08Why is it so hard
19:09to tell somebody?
19:10Huh?
19:11A girl that you like.
19:13Oh.
19:15Love is complicated.
19:18Sex.
19:19Sex, you can read about that
19:21in any book, but
19:22matters of the heart.
19:27They will forever remain
19:29a mystery.
19:36You see,
19:38when a man and a woman
19:41like each other very much,
19:43or they've been drinking...
19:46Pap, not another attack.
19:48Look, do you want my advice?
19:49No.
19:50Quit worrying.
19:51You'll figure it out
19:52when the time comes,
19:53like your dad did,
19:54and me,
19:55and my father before me.
19:57In the meantime,
19:59happy belated birthday.
20:03Oh.
20:03Hmm?
20:04Thanks, Pap.
20:09You can never have enough pens.
20:11Ah.
20:12It's not just any pen.
20:14This
20:15is an education.
20:18Turn it upside down.
20:21That's just on loan.
20:33Yeah.
20:37There are some things
20:38you can't learn in school.
20:39You learn them
20:40when you're ready.
20:43The way nature intended.
20:45Looking at my dad's skin mags
20:48with my brother?
20:50You're a total perv,
20:51Critch.
20:54By being mortified.
20:57Secrets are funny things.
20:59They can bring you closer
21:00to the ones you love.
21:01I remember that.
21:02They can also keep you apart.
21:04But the weight of carrying secrets
21:07lightens when you share them.
21:09What's this?
21:11Memories.
21:12I thought they were lost.
21:19Oh, that was a long time ago.
21:24Seems like yesterday.
21:28Look, I...
21:29I know I left you high and dry
21:31all those years ago,
21:33but I just want you to know
21:35that there hasn't been a day
21:37that's gone by
21:37when I haven't thought about you.
21:44God has a plan.
21:45I think things turned out
21:48for the best.
21:48It's good to ask questions.
22:13It's good to clear the air.
22:14But some things
22:25should always remain private.
22:27It's good to clear the air.
22:28It's good to clear the air.
22:29It's good to clear the air.
22:30It's good to clear the air.
22:30It's good to clear the air.
22:31It's good to clear the air.
22:32It's good to clear the air.
22:33It's good to clear the air.
22:34It's good to clear the air.
22:35It's good to clear the air.
22:36It's good to clear the air.
22:37It's good to clear the air.
22:38It's good to clear the air.
22:39It's good to clear the air.
22:40It's good to clear the air.
22:41It's good to clear the air.
22:42It's good to clear the air.
22:43It's good to clear the air.
22:44It's good to clear the air.
22:45It's good to clear the air.
22:46It's good to clear the air.
22:47It's good to clear the air.
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