- 3 days ago
First broadcast 28th February 2014.
When a classic locked room novel is turned into a West End musical, one of its stars falls victim to a real-life 'impossible crime'.
Simon Thomas - Christophe Holtz
Ali Bastian - Juno Pirelli
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Sarah Alexander - Polly Creek
Marianne Borgo - Zelda Niedlespascher
Ross Armstrong - Angus
Alice O'Connell - Rachel
Raquel Cassidy - Sharon
Liberty Nichols-O'Connell - Ripley
Rhydian Jones - Darryl
Kieran Hodgson - Ridley
Roy Sampson - Mr. Partridge
Paula Wilcox - Hazel Prosser
James Bachman - Rev Hugh Chater
Nigel Genis - Funeral Guest
When a classic locked room novel is turned into a West End musical, one of its stars falls victim to a real-life 'impossible crime'.
Simon Thomas - Christophe Holtz
Ali Bastian - Juno Pirelli
Alan Davies - Jonathan Creek
Sarah Alexander - Polly Creek
Marianne Borgo - Zelda Niedlespascher
Ross Armstrong - Angus
Alice O'Connell - Rachel
Raquel Cassidy - Sharon
Liberty Nichols-O'Connell - Ripley
Rhydian Jones - Darryl
Kieran Hodgson - Ridley
Roy Sampson - Mr. Partridge
Paula Wilcox - Hazel Prosser
James Bachman - Rev Hugh Chater
Nigel Genis - Funeral Guest
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00ARD Text im Auftrag von Funk
00:30God, who did this thing?
00:46Mathilde, speak to me.
00:48In the darkness scarce I saw him, man or beast, I could not tell.
00:58Soft his shadow fell before him, apparition born in hell.
01:08Ghostly, ghostly through the gloom he struck me down upon the stair.
01:17Then a black abyss consumed me, when I woke he was not there.
01:26He had vanished in the air.
01:31But how could he have escaped through a locked door and a barred window?
01:36It's impossible!
01:39What evil creature of the night was here and then took flight?
01:47What phantom in this chamber yet may hide?
01:53What demon in this dark to maid?
01:56I may yet remain.
01:57What secret is my death?
02:01So how did that work for you then, tactically?
02:12You might know the man would try and bite you in the neck.
02:14I might know he'd try and bite me in the neck?
02:16No.
02:17We have to assume that everyone in the theatre is a vampire now, do we?
02:21Hi.
02:22Polly and Jonathan Cree, MMP Marketing.
02:24We're here to see Zelda Needle Spasher.
02:25Sixty quid I'd throw you, expect a little decorum.
02:28I'd hate to see why they'd try and bite you in their cheap seats.
02:30Can't you ever turn a blind eye to these things?
02:35It may not be our biggest account, but very high profile,
02:37and that would be great to get their creative input
02:39on the rebranding strategy for next year.
02:41Yeah, well, the mystery of the yellow room.
02:44I'm sorry, Gaston Leroux only happens to be one of the benchmark novels
02:48of impossible crime fiction, whereas that was just two and a half hours
02:52of complete and utter toss-
02:53Oh, oh!
02:54Polly, and Jonathan, hello.
02:56Hello.
02:57Oh, Dieu, quel dommage.
02:58Qu'est-ce qui s'est passé?
02:59Oh, on va au théâtre?
03:01C'est comme la bataille de la somme.
03:04No, no, you don't have to say it.
03:06The whole interpretation of the gondola is something like phrasing
03:09and like modulation and that intense.
03:12And also like the gondola, you know?
03:13I know.
03:14Three nights now, Zelda, we have to walk on water
03:16because the man in the wings of his toy boat
03:18has come full of screwdriver out of his arse.
03:20What's going on?
03:20Yes, we fix it in the morning, OK?
03:2210.30, all the technicals.
03:27And I cast these people.
03:29A leading lady with no confidence,
03:30a leading man with no patience.
03:32You want some true insights for your campaign?
03:35You should come back tomorrow and witness the chaos.
03:37Yes, well, tomorrow, sadly, we're out of town, aren't we?
03:40Sunday lunch at Sharon's with our little eight-year-old.
03:43Promise to go say hello to the new pony.
03:46Or have you forgotten?
03:47No, no, no, I haven't forgotten.
03:50Hey, I guess.
03:52You're welcome.
03:53I've got some advice for you.
03:57No-night, sweetie.
03:58I've got some advice for you.
04:04No, I'm not.
04:05No, no.
04:07No, no, no.
04:10No, no.
04:11No, no, no.
04:13No, no, no.
04:14It's a late one.
04:33Sorry.
04:36How was your day?
04:40Alright.
04:44Stop it, stop it, stop it, get off me, get off!
05:02What?
05:03Oh for God's sake, what's wrong?
05:05What's wrong is that?
05:06I'm not here anymore am I?
05:07It's just you and her.
05:09You're wrong.
05:10It's a sickness.
05:11Angus, what's going on with that woman?
05:14In your head.
05:15And I swear to God, you are going to have to deal with it, because I'm sorry, I can't.
05:29Oh well listen, it works for Roger, I mean an hour on the train each day but not that.
05:34When you were born and brought up in the country, it's just, because obviously we've only just
05:38started looking around, but no, definitely feeling the times right now to make the move.
05:43Anyway listen, it's meant the world to her today, you coming over.
05:47Especially after that big upset this week, which I have to say, she's taken amazingly well.
05:52Upset?
05:53Yeah, last Tuesday was awful.
05:54Her imaginary friend died.
05:55They were out together, playing in the garden, and this dragon came down and just completely
06:06burned her alive.
06:07There, on the spot, with its fiery breath.
06:09I mean, horrible, right?
06:10Right.
06:11All that oozing skin and ice, melting in their sockets.
06:16But listen, did I tell you, Ridley's going to be joining us for dinner tonight.
06:21Oh!
06:22First to sneak the weekend off from uni, because you know he's been doing this module in
06:26advanced criminology.
06:27I tell you, it's like this genius talent he's got for working things out from the tiniest
06:31details and scraps of evidence.
06:32And, of course, that's his big dream, is a career in forensic detection.
06:37So, obviously, you know, he's desperate to talk to your husband about how to...
06:41Yeah, Jonathan's not a detective.
06:42No, no.
06:43But all those weird cases he's solved?
06:45Yeah, are the very thing we're trying to put behind us, Sharon.
06:48You know, it would be nice to live in the real world now, if we can.
06:54Ridley, what is it?
06:55What's happened?
06:56He chopped the head on my pony!
07:02What?
07:03What?
07:04I was showing her some pictures, I took of the two of them, and I said, I'm sorry about
07:11that one.
07:12Looks like I've cut his head off.
07:13How could you say such a thing?
07:15Don't you even think?
07:16Before you speak, she has a very vivid imagination.
07:19So what does she think I am now, some sort of hitman for the mafia?
07:22She's only got to go in the stable, hasn't she?
07:24See it still standing there?
07:25Why would she go in the stable now?
07:27Which she presumably thinks is swimming in horses' blood!
07:30Ripley!
07:31It's okay!
07:32He's fine!
07:33He's fine!
07:34Ripley and Ridley.
07:35No prizes for guessing what her favourite film is.
07:39Drifting together in a daydream, floating forever on a moonbeam, beneath the dark enchanted night, where silver stars bestow their light and form the moonbeam.
08:06The stars bestow their light and form the waters from above.
08:11Where on an evening such as this, an angel watching our first kiss came down and torn aloud to love.
08:21Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
08:22You're gonna kill us!
08:23Oh, my God!
08:24For God's sake, Zelda!
08:25It's all right, sweetheart.
08:26It's okay.
08:27What did I say?
08:28I said we'd not seen the last of that sweet Zezara squid.
08:29Just a touch of the mountain.
08:30You'll be fine.
08:31It's not that, Darl.
08:32It's me.
08:33I'm rubbish.
08:34The things you read now.
08:35Apparently, I'm just this third-rate maladroit soubrette.
08:37Blonde, bland and blind to our own inadequacies.
08:38Critics.
08:39It's the public you should listen to.
08:40Oh, that was the public.
08:41That was in the ladies' toilet upstairs.
08:42Written on the cistern, in lipstick.
08:43Brrr.
08:44Brrr.
08:45Brrr.
08:46Brrr.
08:47Brrr.
08:48Brrr.
08:49Brrr.
08:50Brrr.
08:51Brrr.
08:52Brrr.
08:53Brrr.
08:54Brrr.
08:55Brrr.
08:56Brrr.
08:57Brrr.
08:58Brrr.
08:59Brrr.
09:00Brrr.
09:01Today's fan club, tomorrow's lynch mob.
09:02Whatever you like.
09:03Here.
09:05I tell you.
09:06There's some really frightening people out there.
09:07OK.
09:08First position there, everyone.
09:09Let's start again.
09:12I tell you.
09:13There's some really frightening people out there.
09:17OK.
09:18First position there, everyone.
09:19Let's start again.
09:40Good night.
09:43Good night, hey duna.
09:58I do not.
09:59Bye.
10:05You, Gino Pirelli, I've got a present for you.
10:35Oh, God, I'm going to go.
10:39No, no, no, no, no!
10:47Oh, no!
10:49No!
10:50No!
10:51No, no, no!
10:53No, no, no, no!
10:56Oh, no, no, no!
10:57What have you done?
11:00Jesus, what have you done?
11:01Get away from her!
11:03Get away!
11:04Open that door!
11:16Smells great. Lovely.
11:18Oh, now, please, sugar, don't you, sir?
11:20That's only on trees, remember?
11:22It's coming away from there.
11:24Epitaph for her imaginary friend.
11:26No, she just likes carving her name.
11:29It is all very well, but come on, okay.
11:31I think it's way past your bedtime, so off you go.
11:34Oh, he is the man of the moment.
11:38Oh, the trains have a good journey.
11:40Oh, yeah.
11:41Ridley, this is Jonathan.
11:44Hi. Jonathan, a real pleasure.
11:47Oh, me too.
11:48Polly, hi. Hello.
11:49So, I see you're just back from Reykjavik, both of you.
11:52I bet we had an enjoyable flight.
11:54I beg your pardon?
11:55Reykjavik? You never said.
11:58You see, this is what he does.
12:00How? I have absolutely no idea.
12:02Oh, come on.
12:03You make me sound like some kind of sorcerer.
12:05When, as Jonathan knows, there's no trick to the art of simple observation.
12:10The abrasions round the side of your neck.
12:12Quite recent, quite deep, and quite nasty.
12:14Something feral at work.
12:15If not feral, then certainly not happy.
12:17A pet, perhaps?
12:18Provoked, or antagonized, or traumatized.
12:20In your bag, a diary entry, largely obscured for yesterday.
12:23A visit somewhere.
12:24To a cemetery, a monastery, a presbytery.
12:26The name, Zelda.
12:27A touch too exotic.
12:28More plausibly feline.
12:29A cattery, then.
12:30But boarding or collecting, allow room for Zelda.
12:33Where?
12:34In a cart full of bags?
12:35Returning from the airport, surely?
12:36Why drop a cat off more than 24 hours before departure?
12:39And a week or two in a kennel would explain the feisty behavior.
12:42The watch on your wrist, still set for a previous time zone, is one hour behind,
12:45which leaves us only Iceland or North-West Africa.
12:48Yet, no discernible suntans.
12:49And that faint reddening of the left eyelid.
12:51What else but a biting Arctic wind.
12:54So, you see.
12:56It's really very simple.
12:58Anyway, if you'll excuse me a sec while I just, um...
13:05Shall I tell him it needs a new battery?
13:07Shh.
13:08Oh, God.
13:10Oh, my God.
13:11Oh, my God.
13:12No.
13:13Sharon?
13:14What is it?
13:15You okay?
13:16What's happened?
13:17It's my dad.
13:18He's dead.
13:19What do you mean, he's dead?
13:22It just says, I'm sorry to let you know, he just peacefully slipped away about half an
13:29hour ago.
13:30Oh, God.
13:31Oh, God.
13:32Oh, God.
13:33Oh, God.
13:34I'm so sorry.
13:35Oh.
13:36No.
13:37You know what?
13:40This isn't my phone.
13:42It must be your phone.
13:44Oh, thank you, God.
13:46Thank you so much.
13:48Yeah, because I just naturally picked it up off there and...
13:51Oh, what a relief.
13:52I mean, that really scared me to...
13:54Death.
13:55Oh.
13:56Yeah, so that's, um...
13:58You'll...
13:59Probably want to...
14:01It's okay.
14:02You're gonna be okay.
14:03Doesn't look like it's deep at all.
14:04As far as I can tell.
14:05It's just a flesh wound.
14:06Thank God.
14:07The thick coat, I think, to the worst of it.
14:21It doesn't look like it's deep at all, as far as I can tell.
14:26It's just a flesh wound.
14:28Thank God.
14:29The thick coat, I think, took the worst of it.
14:48Why?
14:50Angus.
14:50Why?
14:52You have to try and understand.
14:55She's in this really bad place at the moment.
14:59Sixteen months.
15:01It's not getting any better.
15:03Sixteen months?
15:05It's...
15:06He was barely four weeks old.
15:10Emotionally, she's like, everything's a conspiracy, everything's a threat.
15:16I'll try and tell her it's all in her mind.
15:18This morbid insecurity.
15:21I didn't mean to hurt you.
15:23Oh, God.
15:25What have I done?
15:28More time.
15:31She just needs more time.
15:32No, no, you've done a wonderful job, Mr. Partridge, thank you.
15:41It's just...
15:42I think any more red in the cheeks and we'll be getting a bit Prince Harry.
15:45Yes.
15:46He just looks a bit sad, I suppose.
15:51I suppose you would be.
15:53We can cheer him up if you'd prefer.
15:55Could you?
15:56Yes.
15:57It's just perhaps, um...
16:00Oh, God.
16:04Things haven't been good for some time, but just seem to go downhill so fast.
16:10Seems like only yesterday he was here making arrangements for your dear mother.
16:14Eleven years.
16:15Is it, really?
16:18And so, um, great big empty house there now.
16:22What will you do?
16:23Will you put it on the market, do you think?
16:25Oh, who knows?
16:31Why is everything so hard?
16:33Rigor mortis, I think you'll find.
16:35I think you'll find.
17:05How can a house buy?
17:21It doesn't have to.
17:24It's whatever we put into it.
17:27I'm sure they both have wanted that.
17:28And for the life of me, I'm still not getting this.
17:36You won't go to the hospital or the police.
17:38Bloody woman needs locking up.
17:40She needs help.
17:42Oh, Daryl, if you'd been there,
17:44and all I could think was,
17:45what would it do to me, you know?
17:47It's like, where's the justice in her life?
17:50Come on, I turn up at A&E now with a stab wound.
17:54It's going to be a bit tricky to explain.
17:56God forbid we ever let a jury near this.
17:58They're the people that write on toilet systems.
18:00Well, you need to get that looked at, young lady,
18:02and buy someone who's handy with a needle.
18:05I might miss someone.
18:07Meantime.
18:09Meantime.
18:09You think you might have something?
18:15For you, my sweet, always.
18:17I'm a magician.
18:19You know that.
18:20When was it you said?
18:22Last year in that Joe Orton,
18:23a certain well-known young actress with a cesarean scar,
18:26you had to come up with this special prosthetic.
18:29See?
18:30You star-turn.
18:33We'll make this work, won't we?
18:35Because I promised him, you know, for her.
18:39Two minutes for the pester.
18:51Managed a couple of sorts together.
18:53Sorts?
18:54What's that?
18:55No, he's just having a nose around.
18:57Found it in one of those books.
18:59Oh, yeah.
19:00From the local paper.
19:04Used to keep this next to him.
19:05Just there on his desk.
19:09Shame about the blasted coffee ring.
19:12Got the look of a halo.
19:14Yeah, well, to him, she was always a saint.
19:25Oh, God, yes.
19:28Ironic, after yesterday.
19:30Me with my imaginary friend.
19:32Pauline Ores?
19:34Ores?
19:34A name my mum came up with.
19:37Because she was half Spanish.
19:40Checkled me at the time.
19:42All these funny little Latin references when I was growing up.
19:50Oh, God.
19:51It was never going to be easy, was it?
19:54Come on, shall we...
19:55Shall we go and eat?
19:56Some mysteries our hearts cannot conceal
20:04And when the storyteller's tale is spun
20:08And we are one
20:10What secrets will the yellow room reveal?
20:16Look.
20:21Look.
20:21Look, it's a little candle.
20:22You're expected to stay out.
20:23I'm in front of 1,500 people.
20:24Oh, God.
20:25This bloody thing keeps coming back on.
20:27Oh.
20:28No.
20:28All right.
20:29See you.
20:30All right.
20:30Look.
20:31It's ridiculous.
20:32Let's get on the spot, please!
20:34Please take that!
21:02Oh, Chloe, you were perfect this evening, so don't...
21:32Let's get on the spot, please!
21:42Let's get on the spot, please!
21:49Do you know?
22:05Are you all right in there?
22:07Oh, dear!
22:11My precious one!
22:15What in the name of God?
22:19Someone get an ambulance and room for the police!
22:23Oh, I can't believe it!
22:25What happened?
22:26She's been stabbed.
22:27But how?
22:28No one came in or out of the room.
22:30I would have seen.
22:31We all would have seen.
22:33There was nobody here.
22:34The whole thing is impossible.
22:38Why am I remembering that Conrad Veidt silent classic,
22:41The Man Who Laughs?
22:43You think they might have gone too far now?
22:45In the other direction?
22:47Yes, I know, I know.
23:09Oh, Jonathan.
23:11This is Hazel.
23:13Auntie Hazel.
23:14Hello.
23:15My mum's closest friend.
23:16I'm just...
23:18Well, just...
23:19It's been around, haven't you?
23:21My dad.
23:22Especially these last few weeks.
23:26I'm so grateful.
23:27And listen, Polly.
23:29One word, if I may, at this difficult time.
23:32Hope.
23:33You know, it's only a week since I lost my mother,
23:38who was 86.
23:40But...
23:41Doesn't make it any easier.
23:42And all I'm saying, and I want you to think about this,
23:45the end can actually be a beginning
23:48if you open your eyes and your mind to other possibilities.
23:53What are these?
23:54Well, you tell me, Polly, what you see in them.
23:57Angels, ghosts, the spirits of departed souls
24:01who just happened to have been caught on camera.
24:04This one just takes your breath away.
24:07You see there in the fountain?
24:09This was my granddaughter, Gracie,
24:11who I swear had no idea the angel was behind her.
24:14Although she does say that she felt like a cold shiver
24:18on the back of her neck as she was sitting there.
24:20Go on.
24:21Then there was my auntie, Norma, here,
24:23saying a prayer in the sky.
24:25Okay, yes, with her hands pressed together.
24:27That was taken ten years to the day after she died.
24:30Now, obviously, I know there's a lot of people
24:35just think this is all completely cranky,
24:37but I'm a great believer.
24:39Oh, God.
24:40No, that's, um...
24:42Yeah, distinctly odd.
24:45You can hang on to those.
24:47I've got copies.
24:48And I'm just writing you a link now
24:51to a website that just gave me so much comfort.
24:57Oh, weird or what?
24:59I was Zelda, yellow room producer.
25:02Juno Pirelli, star of the show,
25:04is in hospital in a coma.
25:06They found her last night in her dressing room
25:08after the performance, stabbed in the stomach.
25:11From what she's just told me...
25:13Please don't say it.
25:14Not a bloody impossible crime.
25:17Who now, then?
25:18Do I hear the words work experience?
25:24I was thinking, perhaps, some kind of Chris fan
25:26with an obsession about the story in the show.
25:29But in the show, of course, we explain.
25:31The injuries had all occurred before the character
25:33went in the room?
25:34Yes, but here, only ten minutes before.
25:37No, not a mark on her body.
25:39I saw with my own eyes.
26:07Good morning.
26:09How are you today, Polly?
26:11Wasn't sure if I'd still find you here.
26:14No, well...
26:15We were overdue some downtime from the office, so...
26:21Question is, I suppose,
26:23whether I can bear to imagine anyone else living here.
26:26Or whether it's fate, in a way,
26:29that's brought us back...
26:31You all right today, Hazel?
26:32You look as though you've seen a ghost.
26:34OK.
26:44OK.
26:45Early intimations only, but...
26:48A crime of passion, we can fairly assume.
26:51A lover very much as senior, age 50, 51, possibly 52.
26:55A tall man, somewhat simian in appearance,
26:58in excess of six foot, disproportionately long arms
27:01and big hands, and dare I venture...
27:04no mean athlete in the bedroom department?
27:06We know from the angle of penetration
27:08the blade was inserted from below.
27:09The victim's in a state of undress,
27:10yet comfortable with her assailant's proximity.
27:12They were clearly embracing.
27:14The force of the blow implies recoil.
27:15Witness three grey hairs on the door
27:17where the back of his head made contact.
27:19The position gives us his height, the colour his age.
27:21Very early 50s.
27:22Any older would make the liaison improbable.
27:25A dead wasp in the saucer has to be recent,
27:27but swatted against the wall too high up,
27:29too far across for all that are elongated giant to reach.
27:32The thickness of the magazine he rolled up
27:34bears testament to the girth of his grip.
27:36His sexual prowess...
27:38Such an ungainly man surely had some allure.
27:41As for his means of exit...
27:43Of course.
27:56She could have climbed on a chair.
27:59And used both hands.
28:01And I've seen a grey angara sweater
28:05hanging on that hook in there.
28:07But then, what do we know?
28:10To make a start tomorrow.
28:14I suppose, on the dreaded clothes.
28:16If anything's guaranteed to finish me off.
28:19All these people who talk about catharsis and closure.
28:23I know.
28:24As if grief can just be stuffed into a black bin liner
28:28and sent off, fam.
28:30You've had a long day.
28:33Come on.
28:35So how did all that go this morning?
28:41At the theatre?
28:43Are you only the wiser about what happened?
28:46I don't know.
28:48What's that about the torch being passed to the new generation?
28:52I think I may just be getting very old.
28:56Yeah.
28:57Well, I wasn't going to tell you this.
29:00But while you were there,
29:02I had another visit from our friend Hazel.
29:05And if you thought those photographs took the biscuit,
29:08it's like she had this weird story.
29:11She absolutely swears it's true.
29:13Yes.
29:14Yes.
29:16Remember last week she told us her mother died?
29:1986, apparently.
29:21Still had her own house.
29:23And after she left here yesterday,
29:26she went up to the crematorium to collect the ashes.
29:29Took them back there to scatter in the garden.
29:32Suddenly her phone rings.
29:35And they go everywhere.
29:39Oh, no.
29:41The phone calls from her next-door neighbour
29:43to say that the cat has got out of the house
29:45onto a busy main road,
29:46so in a mad panic she has to dash straight out again.
29:48A couple of hours later she comes back,
29:51ready to clear it all up.
29:54Except now they've gone.
29:57They've completely vanished from the room.
29:59And she's absolutely adamant
30:01there was nobody else in the house.
30:03It was all locked up and she was the only one with the key.
30:05There were no windows open,
30:06no drafts or breezes or anything that could have got to them.
30:09It was like, in her words, it was just as if...
30:12God must have taken her...
30:16to heaven.
30:18So is that it then, do you think?
30:21It's a terrible thing when your mind starts to go.
30:25And to think what a loyal friend she was to my mum.
30:30And such a tower of strength at the end.
30:35I'm sorry.
30:37OK.
30:38Time to die, Will, I suppose.
30:40Was it me?
30:41Or is it something different here?
30:43Okay. Time to die again, I suppose.
30:57Is it me? Or is there something different here?
31:00This was her last performance. Same night as the stabbing.
31:05Off someone's phone in the audience.
31:08I don't know. Maybe not quite the same passion.
31:15Bit of an off night, maybe.
31:18I'll come and give you a hand in a bit.
31:21Oh, my gosh.
31:38How are you going on? Okay?
31:51What have you found?
31:53I don't know.
31:54Looks like a note from my mum just before she died.
32:08Virtually unreadable. I remembered she could barely hold a pen by that time.
32:12My dearest Peter, I have just one final heartfelt request. I think that is. Under the something something or other, you'll find a box. Please, please destroy without opening.
32:28Cathy. Under the thin back room. Bedroom, is it? Bedroom. Bedroom. Flower bed?
32:41Floor board, maybe?
32:43Under the... Under the third bedroom floor board, you'll find a box.
32:58Hello? Oh, hi, Hazel. How are you? This afternoon? Um, well, I suppose I could. What time?
33:10Third bedroom floor board. Third floor board, but from which end? We'll try both.
33:40Oh, my God. Is that you in there? Yes. God almighty. You scared me to death.
33:56Sorry, I was just under the third bedroom floor board. This is the third bedroom. Look,
34:09this has got to be the floor board. It's the only one that's not nailed down. Fairly obviously.
34:15Maybe he did find it and did exactly as she asked him to... Hang on a sec.
34:27What did she say? Please destroy without opening? Yes, bugger that.
34:31I got to buy. No, it's not...
34:33It's not...
34:35It's funny...
34:36It's not very funny. I was just looking for a person for a person.
34:39I can't see it. You did not. I can't see it.
34:41It's just...
34:42It's fun.
34:44You're not just my favorite part.
34:46It's just a person.
34:47I can't see.
34:48It's more beautiful.
34:50It's about a person.
34:51It's a little bit.
34:52It's a person.
34:53It's not easy.
34:54It's like...
34:55It's a person.
34:56It's not easy.
34:57It's cool.
34:58so sorry not really what you wanted on top of everything else
35:09two years looks like this was going on thank god he didn't find them
35:15sounds like it got pretty heavy on both sides
35:19you imagine behind his back for two years
35:25I can't believe it
35:30and Septimus who the bloody hell is Septimus? Septimus who?
35:50these are all her books in this room I take it
35:53what? god you think you know people
35:57someone you grew up with your whole life
36:00and you realise you actually never knew them at all
36:04oh I didn't hear you go out
36:13yep just up the road had to get an orange so
36:17right for any particular reason or just
36:21no when I was in that dressing room I saw something in the corner of my eye
36:27I know it didn't sit right
36:29sometimes if you can get back in the moment and recreate the association one thing will trigger the other
36:36so where is it you're going again you did say oh this hazel woman what was that all about again?
36:44her mother's ashes she went to collect them the other day from the crematorium
36:50and when she got back
36:51that wasn't it
36:52that was it
36:54saw joy on the picture
36:57what?
36:58the signature of an artist on a big abstract painting that was on her wall
37:02you have to say that was odd
37:05saw joy
37:07does sound very made up
37:09what's that got to do with anything?
37:11no the fact that it sounds made up is not what was odd
37:14sorry you were saying about hazel
37:18I'll tell you when I get back
37:24let me know when you think
37:26I knew her probably better than anyone but
37:28Septimus
37:30no I never heard her mention that name before ever
37:35Septimus who?
37:36well exactly
37:37and it's all there in black and white stuff they got up to you've no idea
37:42talk about a shock to the system
37:44anyway
37:46look thanks so much for popping round I do appreciate it
37:49um shall we?
37:53so when you said on the phone about
37:56grasping the nettle this afternoon
37:58what exactly did you?
38:00sorry has there been a power cut?
38:02patience
38:04I think Polly is all that's required
38:07you see
38:09I know
38:10she's here
38:23she's here
38:24she's here
38:25she's here
38:26she's here
38:27she's here
38:28she's here
38:29she's here
38:30Jonathan
38:31hi
38:32is this a good moment?
38:33it's Ridley
38:34yeah hi Ridley
38:35how you doing?
38:36surprisingly well
38:37surprisingly well
38:38though hobbled for a while
38:40I must admit
38:41by the ingenuity
38:42of a master strategist
38:44in this case
38:45who relied upon us
38:46all accepting the prima facie evidence
38:48of an attack that took place within the woman's dressing room
38:50crucially the upward incision of the blade
38:52which meant the assailant had to be standing close against the victim
38:55but did it?
38:56take the pieces of this puzzle apart
38:58the direction of the wound
39:00the copious bleeding on the floor
39:01and put them back together again
39:03and a very different picture emerges
39:07while the lithe young singer-dancer
39:09we know looks after her body
39:10and with her nightly workout
39:12presents the perfect inverted target
39:15for a weapon
39:16with a disappearing missile
39:33coolly constructed in every sense
39:35who would suspect a crossbow firing a shard of frozen blood
39:39designed to kill and then instantly melt away without trace
39:43okay
39:44okay
39:45yeah
39:46see where you're coming from Ridley
39:47I certainly missed that one
39:48elementary my dear Holmes
39:50and based on some other research
39:52I have a pretty good idea now
39:53about the identity of the perpetrator
39:55which with everyone's indulgence
39:57I was planning on
40:06Holmes
40:09Holmes
40:10you know what Hazel?
40:11I really will need to be getting along in a minute because...
40:12wait
40:13what's that?
40:14her presents
40:15you feel it Polly?
40:16like a kind of...
40:17a kind of...
40:18faint vibration almost
40:19in the air
40:20you feel it Polly?
40:21you feel it Polly?
40:22like a kind of...
40:23faint vibration almost
40:24in the air
40:25you feel it Polly?
40:26you feel it Polly?
40:27you feel it Polly?
40:28like a kind of...
40:29faint vibration almost
40:30in the air
40:32you feel it?
40:33you feel it Polly?
40:34yes
40:35question
40:36it's a good idea
40:37you know what?
40:38you feel it Polly?
40:39you feel it Polly?
40:41do you feel it Polly?
40:43it's like a kind of...
40:44faint vibration almost
40:45in the air
40:47In the air?
41:17In the air?
41:47Oh, God, are you serious?
42:09No, actually, I was thinking I might drop by there again.
42:12So if you were going to be around, then maybe...
42:16Yeah, OK. Thanks, Zelda. Bye.
42:21Oh, hi. You were a while.
42:24Things all seem to be hotting up, apparently, on the yellow room front.
42:28Yes, well, we've cleared up one mystery there, at any rate.
42:32An urnful of ashes.
42:34She spills all over her mother's carpet, went away for a couple of hours,
42:37and when she gets back, they've just disappeared without any explanation.
42:41Do you know what it was?
42:43Robot vacuum cleaner?
42:45Pardon?
42:47A robot vacuum cleaner?
42:49Do you not think that's the most absurd, unlikely scenario
42:53you could possibly imagine?
42:55So, was it?
42:59Yes.
43:01A programme for half past three, as it turns out, by the old dear every afternoon.
43:05Makes sense.
43:07OK.
43:08OK.
43:09Well, maybe you can make sense of this.
43:17On a tombstone in the churchyard, directly behind my mother's grave.
43:21I mean, it can't just be coincidence.
43:23Except that he died at least three years before those love letters were written.
43:27September's noon.
43:29No, I'd say that, far from being a coincidence, it fits in with everything else here absolutely perfectly.
43:37Only one thing at a time, I'm afraid.
43:41I'm going to need you to run me back to the theatre, if you would.
43:47Our young friend Ridley's asked them all to assemble on stage at six,
43:52because he wants to announce his big solution, which, as you can imagine, is completely preposterous,
43:57but arguably no more preposterous than the real solution,
44:01which, unfortunately, there's only one way to confirm now.
44:05I'm going back into that dressing room.
44:07So...
44:09whenever you're ready.
44:28Jonathan!
44:30OK.
44:34You know what to do.
44:36I just need three minutes.
44:37I can't.
44:38I can't do this sort of thing.
44:39How am I supposed to just suddenly pretend to scream in agony?
44:42I don't know.
44:43Remember when you got halfway through Piers Morgan's memoirs?
44:46Just call on some of that.
44:57Well...
44:58I can't believe we're all taking this seriously.
44:59And who's this Ridley person, anyway?
45:00When?
45:01I don't know.
45:02I can't believe we're all taking this seriously.
45:03Who's this Ridley person, anyway?
45:04Well, he seems to be making more progress than the police over here.
45:05So we have to wait and see.
45:06And what they are saying at the hospital...
45:07this could soon be a murder inquiry.
45:08I can't believe we're all taking this seriously.
45:09Who's this Ridley person, anyway?
45:10Well, he seems to be making more progress than the police over here.
45:11So we have to wait and see.
45:12And what they are saying at the hospital, this could soon be a murder inquiry.
45:13I can't believe we're all taking this seriously.
45:14And who's this Ridley person, anyway?
45:15Well, he seems to be making more progress than the police over here.
45:30So we have to wait and see.
45:32And what they are saying at the hospital, this could soon be a murder inquiry.
45:37What are you doing here?
45:39Rachel, come on.
45:40Come on.
45:41This is scary.
45:42Did you hear what she said?
45:43A murder inquiry.
45:44I don't think it's broken.
45:45That's just...
45:46I'm just feeling.
45:47Oh.
45:48I think it's easy enough now.
45:49Good.
45:50It's my husband.
45:51Yeah, thanks ever so much.
45:52Yeah, that was great.
45:53Yeah, my pleasure.
45:54Oh, I'm sorry.
45:55I'm sorry.
45:56It's all right.
45:57What are you doing here?
45:58Rachel, come on.
45:59Come on.
46:00This is scary.
46:01Did you hear what she said?
46:02I heard her inquiry.
46:03I heard her inquiry.
46:04I don't think it's broken.
46:05That's just...
46:06I missed film.
46:07Oh.
46:08She, you all right?
46:09Oh.
46:10Yeah, I think it's easy enough now.
46:11Oh, great.
46:12Oh.
46:13Yeah, my pleasure.
46:15Take these.
46:16Yeah, bye.
46:17Okay.
46:23And now, we're looking for...
46:25Make-up artist.
46:27Named Darryl Kimble.
46:28Think it's to be our man.
46:36Hi.
46:37Sorry.
46:38I wonder if you have a minute.
46:39My name's Jonathan Creek.
46:40Oh, right, yes.
46:41The amateur sleuth who's come to enlighten us all about the other night.
46:45Goodbye.
46:46Um.
46:49Yes.
46:50It's Darryl, isn't it?
46:55Fairly obviously there's someone here that you and Juno are both really desperate to protect.
47:00I just wondered how sure you are still you made the right call.
47:04Everyone, can I have your attention please?
47:05Let me introduce you Mr. Ridley, who is here very kindly to help us to resolve Juno's attack.
47:23Thank you very much.
47:24Okay.
47:25I know this is a little irregular, but Zelda's very kindly said I might present a few thoughts to you tonight about how I think that attack on Monday really took place.
47:34And more importantly, who was responsible?
47:37Someone, I would venture to suggest, who is here with us today in this very building.
47:45In the original story of The Yellow Room, the whole solution revolves around an injury sustained before the victim entered the bedchamber.
47:53No way that could have happened here because Juno Pirelli had been clearly seen by her director minutes earlier completely unscathed.
48:00Or was there something already troubling her that night?
48:05Enough to slightly put her off her game in one or two arias?
48:10Something potentially life-threatening that had been very skillfully covered up?
48:15The name on that picture, Sawjoy.
48:19Okay, slightly unusual, but not as unusual as the position in the top left-hand corner instead of the bottom right.
48:26Made me wonder how easy it would have been for someone in a hurry to have taken it down at some point and then put it back again their own way up.
48:56I imagine the artist, Beverly Holmes, might have been a little put out, but...
49:15And after that there was no way for you to get back in there without being seen, so whatever it was, had to still be there.
49:26She convinced herself, she convinced me, that it was just superficial.
49:39We'd get it patched up, it would heal.
49:42Maybe.
49:44Well...
49:46Guess now we'll never know, will we, whether something else happened and set it all off.
49:50Yes, she was stupid, yes, she was mad, but she was mad for the right reasons, and thank God for people like that sometimes, you know.
50:03God bloody bless her is all I've got to say.
50:08I'm sorry.
50:10Any more than that you're not going to get from me.
50:12That would find its target and then simply melt away completely undetected.
50:19Or to the point, who would have a grievance strong enough to construct such a plan?
50:24Someone, we may suppose, on the verge of hysteria.
50:28Emotionally unbalanced, who was prepared to go to any lengths to wreak their revenge.
50:32A crime of passion, love spurned, recriminations irrational and real, nausea, jealousy and hate.
50:41Who else could it point to?
50:43But the tuba player.
50:45Who should be a tuba player?
50:49Rachel!
50:51Rachel!
50:52Rachel!
50:53Rachel!
50:58Please.
51:22Yeah, I'm sorry you had to see that.
51:29Sorry I had to see that?
51:44I sometimes wonder, Jonathan, exactly what I married.
51:48Free admission for life to the Twilight Zone?
51:50If there's not phantom knife-wielding stalkers or ghostly human remains suddenly vanishing in the...
51:58Now what are you looking for?
52:00I did see it here, I thought I had.
52:04That web link she wrote down for you.
52:07If I'm not mistaken, it tells us everything we need to know and all that other.
52:13Oh, God. What?
52:15A little slower, please, would be nice.
52:17The letters of Septimus Noon?
52:20The name, you know what I said?
52:22Fitted in perfectly well with everything else here.
52:25Everything from a book collection that includes the works of Dylan Thomas and Samuel Butler to that imaginary friend of yours you had when you were a child.
52:33The easiest thing, I think, would be to make one brief detour on the way back.
52:38No, my gosh, I'm impressed, considering the time it took and all the trouble I went to to disguise the writing.
52:52Of course, I was rather pleased with myself at the time.
52:56The writing, oddly, I never questioned.
52:59It was the paper.
53:01Most people, if a letter's too wide for the envelope, fold it a couple of times down the long way and then across.
53:11Your way more distinctive.
53:13I'd say it's verging on unique.
53:22I'm just writing you a link now to a website that just gave me so much comfort.
53:28Why, Hazel? For what possible reason?
53:34You don't think we argued my head against her brick wall?
53:39And how could I refuse her anything at that stage?
53:43As soon as she knew her time was running out.
53:48Believe it or believe it not, the whole idea was to try and lessen the grief.
53:53He'd find the letters.
53:57She just had this horror, you see, of him moping about over her memory for the rest of his days.
54:05If she could somehow discredit herself in his eyes at the very end.
54:12She just thought...
54:16Well, thank God it never came to anything.
54:20So, Erewhon, by Samuel Butler, a place he famously invented as nowhere, spelt backwards.
54:35And Llarregub, backwards, the village in Undermilk Wood.
54:41Bugger all.
54:42I know, but how you could just zero in on these two titles out of all this lot?
54:47Yeah, the rule of three that made it just about plausible.
54:51Zero, the imaginary friend whose name in reverse meant nothing.
54:56She loved words. I'm playing with words.
54:59But I trust you to make that connection.
55:01A name she must have seen God knows how often in that churchyard.
55:05But if she's wondering what to call this non-existent lover,
55:09Septimus Noon...
55:10It was actually Septimus Noon.
55:13So, he'll be back at uni then now, Ridley.
55:19I trust you didn't find the whole experience a waste of time.
55:20Oh, no way. No, no.
55:21But Metsy's still got a lot to learn, but...
55:22No, he'll be back.
55:23Oh, good.
55:24And you've made the right decision, I'm sure, about this place.
55:28Why would you want to live anywhere else?
55:29Yes.
55:30Well, I wasn't too sure at first.
55:31There have been one or two very creepy moments around here, I have to say.
55:32Oh, finding those old love letters.
55:33Oh.
55:34And you've made the right decision, I'm sure, about this place.
55:35Why would you want to live anywhere else?
55:36Yes.
55:37Well, I wasn't too sure at first.
55:38There have been one or two very creepy moments around here, I have to say.
55:42Oh, finding those old love letters of your mother's.
55:43And what was even weirder, the very next moment, that halo suddenly vanishing from her photo.
55:49That was creepy.
55:50Yeah.
55:51Like a coffee ring on the page that was there one minute and then miraculously gone.
55:54I mean, what would you do, what would you do?
55:56Oh, I have to go with him.
55:57Oh, I don't know.
55:58I don't know.
55:59I don't know what I'm sure.
56:00I don't know what I'm sure.
56:01I don't know what I'm sure about in the middle of my house.
56:03I don't know what I'm sure about.
56:04Well, I don't know what I'm sure about.
56:05I don't know what I'm sure about.
56:06But I don't know.
56:07I don't know what I'm sure about in the middle of my house, but...
56:10miraculously gone but you know what some of that lateral thinking must be rubbing off because it
56:16was when i thought about that painting being the wrong way up i suddenly remembered that's a
56:21a partner's desk in there which means the back of it's exactly the same as the front
56:24and what if the top section had somehow been turned around to face the other way
56:30which guess what when we checked is exactly what we found at some point in the past evidently the
56:35desk had been moved around the room and that page from the paper he put in there to save
56:39had just ended up against the wall the one with the ring on it obviously another copy altogether
56:45we just happened to find in that pile of books except who would have gone in there to move the
56:50top of a desk around we couldn't imagine i mean there's been no one else in the house
56:56apart from people like yourself at the funeral the other day
56:59i can't find ripley we have to go i'm so sorry we have to go
57:11we switch the desk what we take everything off turn it round and then it's done we put everything
57:26back fine this side is exactly the same as this side right
57:42i can't find out
57:43i can't find out
57:46Three, two, one.
57:47Oh!
57:50All right.
57:55What is this thing?
57:56It's it.
58:05Oh, God.
58:07Polly.
58:09Jonathan.
58:11What can I say?
58:16Listen, I don't know when you're thinking of starting a family, but you know what they say about space.
58:22No one can hear you scream.
58:25Make the most of it.
58:46I can't actually see you.
58:52I can't see you.
58:54I can't see you.
58:56I can't remember it.
58:58I can't remember it.
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