Tales from the crypt comics Loved to D death

Thomas Timbs

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00:00Ever love someone who didn't love you? Pretty painful, isn't it?

00:08Well, it's not half as painful as being loved to death.

00:14For the first scene of this touching tale, let's look in on the apartment of Margaret Singer,

00:21where a delightful little episode is reaching a climax.

00:26Oh!

00:28I'm sorry, Edward. I had to do it. Now will you please go, and don't ever annoy me again.

00:35But, Margie, I'm mad about you. Won't you let me take you out? Just once. Tomorrow night?

00:44No, I'm busy. I'm busy every night as far as you're concerned. Now will you leave? I have to dress for a heavy date.

00:52All right, Margie. I'll go. But I won't give up.

00:56Margaret Singer slams the door on poor Edward Wallace.

01:02Poor sap. Won't he ever catch on that he doesn't rape with me? How many times do I have to slap his face?

01:08While outside, Eddie, dejected, moves slowly down the darkening streets.

01:17Why? Why won't she give me a break? She knows I'm crazy about her. But she treats me like dirt. She acts like she can't stand me.

01:29Eddie. Eddie crosses the street and enters the deserted park. He slumps down on a bench. Soon a stranger comes along.

01:40He stops, eyes Eddie, then sits down beside him.

01:47What's the matter, young feller? You look pretty glum.

01:50I am. I'm nuts about a girl, but she won't give me a tumble.

01:55The stranger smiles, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card. Oh, is that it? Well, go see this guy. He'll fix you up. Guaranteed.

02:11Huh? What can he do?

02:14The stranger rises and disappears into the night. Eddie studies the small white card. It reads,

02:23Ulrichstronum, Alchemist. An address follows.

02:29An alchemist? Say, I thought those guys went out with the Middle Ages. Oh well, I can't lose anything. I'll go see him.

02:39The address on the card leads Edward Wallace to a dark, winding street in the oldest part of town.

02:48The building he is looking for is a run-down, dirty tenement. He climbs rat-infested steps to Ulrichstronum's door.

02:58Yes? What can I do for you?

03:01I... I was given your card. The man said you could help me.

03:06The wrinkled, wizened old man steps aside and Edward enters a weird room.

03:13Bottles and jars line the walls, each filled with brilliantly colored liquids and powders.

03:22What seems to be the trouble, young man?

03:25I... I... I'm in love with a girl, but she... she doesn't love me.

03:32Oh, I see. And you would like her to adore you, to worship you, to love you, and only you.

03:43Yeah, that's what I'd like.

03:45Very simple. Here, take this. It's a love potion. My secret formula.

03:55Just a few drops and she's yours. All yours.

04:00It... it must be very expensive if it really works.

04:05Oh, it works. I guarantee that.

04:08And it's very cheap. Only one dollar.

04:13One dollar? Is that all? I'll take it. Goodbye.

04:18Not goodbye, young man. Au revoir. For now, you'll be back. They all come back.

04:28Come back? For what?

04:30For the antidote.

04:32Oh, no. Not me. If this really makes Margaret fall madly in love with me, you won't see me again.

04:41We'll see. We'll see.

04:45Edward rushes from the weird room, down the garbage-laden stairs, and back across town to Margaret's apartment.

04:56Oh, Edward. Are you back again? I told you.

05:00I... I came to say goodbye, Margaret. I'm going away.

05:06Good. Thank heavens. Now you'll stop bothering me.

05:10I brought this wine, Margie. Will you have just one drink with me to wish me farewell?

05:17Anything. Anything to get rid of you.

05:20Good. I'll pour it out.

05:23Eddie pours the wine and secretly empties the contents of the love potion into Margie's glass.

05:33Well, here's to you, Margie. I'll always love you.

05:38And here's to you. Good riddance.

05:41Margie drains her glass.

05:44Edward stares at her, expectantly.

05:48Well, you can go now. Don't just stand there like a dummy. We've said goodbye.

05:55Y-yes. I... guess I will go. I... I...

06:01Golly. It didn't work.

06:05Eddie reluctantly opens the door.

06:07Margie watches him frigidly.

06:10Then the cold look in her eyes softens.

06:16She smiles.

06:18Oh, you big overgrown kid. Come here. I'll kiss you goodbye.

06:24Huh?

06:25Margie pecks at Eddie's puckered lips.

06:29Suddenly she gasps.

06:32She throws her arms around his neck and kisses him.

06:35A long rapturous kiss.

06:39A kiss of love.

06:42Eddie, what's happening to me?

06:45Oh, Margie. Margie.

06:48He he he he he.

06:51Yep.

06:52It was just like old Ulrich the alchemist said.

06:56Margie fell, head over heels.

07:01Eddie and she were married.

07:03She adored him.

07:06Worshipped him.

07:08Loved him.

07:10Loved him.

07:12Loved him till Eddie thought he would go mad.

07:18Darling.

07:19Darling Eddie.

07:21Sweet.

07:22Handsome.

07:23Divine Eddie.

07:25Oh, how I love you, Eddie.

07:28Oh, how I...

07:29Margie, cut it out.

07:31I'm trying to read.

07:32Go sit over there.

07:35Margie, spurned by Eddie, moves to the chair across the room.

07:41There she sits, smiling, smiling and staring at Eddie.

07:48Don't you have anything to do, Margie?

07:52Must you sit and stare at me?

07:55I love you.

07:57I have nothing in life to do except love you.

08:00You're my everything.

08:01My...

08:02It is late that same night that Eddie knocks on Ulrich's door.

08:09Ah, you've finally come back.

08:13I must say it took you longer than usual.

08:16You must be a very patient man.

08:19You want the antidote, no doubt.

08:22Yes.

08:23I can't stand her any longer.

08:26She crawls all over me.

08:28She's driving me crazy.

08:30Here.

08:31Here you are.

08:33A few drops of this and it will be all over.

08:37It's swift and sure.

08:40Doesn't leave any trace.

08:43If it kills her?

08:47You have a better method.

08:49No, only...

08:51Well, I hadn't intended to kill her.

08:55You say it leaves no trace?

08:58How much?

09:00One thousand dollars.

09:03What?

09:04But the potion...

09:06Yes, the potion is cheap.

09:09The antidote is expensive.

09:12I lose money on the potion.

09:15But I more than make it up on the antidote.

09:19And anyone who buys the potion always buys the antidote.

09:24Sooner or later.

09:27Well, yes or no.

09:31Yes, I guess.

09:34At breakfast the next morning,

09:36Edward spills the antidote into Margie's coffee while her back is turned.

09:43Oh, dear.

09:44Your toast isn't ready yet.

09:46I'm sorry, dearest.

09:48That's all right, Margaret.

09:50I left my watch in the bathroom anyway.

09:53But thoughtful, ever-loving Margie,

09:57knowing that her darling husband likes his coffee hot,

10:01switches cups because hers steams more.

10:06Come, darling.

10:07Your coffee is getting cold.

10:10You can start.

10:11I'll be right there.

10:12But Margie, the devoted wife, waits patiently for Edward to return to the table.

10:20And Edward did so want to avoid witnessing her, shall we say, finish.

10:29Mmm.

10:30Coffee's good this morning, isn't it?

10:32Is it, dear?

10:33Oh, I'm so happy.

10:35I...

10:36I...

10:37Edward?

10:37Edward slumps to the floor and is very still.

10:43He is quite dead.

10:45Swift and sure.

10:47Just like Ulrich said.

10:49There is a slight smile on his face.

10:53Edward, darling.

10:55Speak to me.

10:56Speak to me.

10:58There is a smile on his face because somewhere in that unknown world that is the hereafter,

11:06as Edward trudges through the mist.

11:10Oh, well.

11:11So I drank the antidote instead.

11:14So I'm dead.

11:16At least I'm rid of her.

11:19Yes, Edward smiles as he moves through the mist.

11:23But the smile is short-lived.

11:26For...

11:27Edward, darling.

11:29Wait for me.

11:31That...

11:32That's Margie's voice.

11:34Yes, it is Margie's voice.

11:38She bursts through the mist, rushes up to Edward, and smothers him with kisses.

11:45Oh, darling.

11:47When you died, I knew I wouldn't be able to go on without you.

11:51So I committed suicide.

11:53Now we'll be together for eternity.

11:56Oh.

11:57No.

11:59No.

12:01Yes, yes.

12:03She's right, Edward.

12:05But don't worry.

12:07Maybe someday you might bump into Ulrichstronum again.

12:11Personally, I wouldn't bet on it.

12:14I don't think he and you are headed for the same place.

12:18Oh, by the way, many of you have asked about subscribing to Tales from the Crypt.

12:24For this information, read my column, The Crypt Keeper's Corner.

12:30Yeah.

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