- 2 weeks ago
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PeopleTranscript
00:00Well, it's me, your hostess in the haunt of fear, the old witch, ready to rustle up another revolting recipe in my cruddy cauldron.
00:12So crawl in, creeps, notch your dribble napkins around your scrawny necks, fasten your drool cups, and I'll dish out the tale of terror I call.
00:23None but the lonely heart.
00:26It had always been a simple matter for Howard.
00:30After all, he was rather good-looking in a mature sort of way.
00:35Old maids and widows were attracted to him.
00:38Besides, the photograph he'd send them was a particularly good one.
00:46Listen to this, King.
00:49Dear Howard, I received your picture along with your delightfully written letter today.
00:55You look very nice.
00:58Enclosed is my photo.
01:00I'm sorry it isn't a recent snap.
01:03It was taken two years ago.
01:06Howard patted his dog's head and smiled.
01:10Well, she sent us her picture, boy.
01:14Shall we brace ourselves and take a look?
01:17He lifted the picture from the envelope and gasped.
01:21Why, she, she's beautiful, King.
01:27Indeed, Howard's latest proposed victim was beautiful.
01:32Howard studied her for a moment, thoughtfully.
01:35You know, King, with a woman like this, I might decide to wind up this racket and settle down for good.
01:45Howard sat back, the picture in his lap, and lit his pipe.
01:50The smoke curled up lazily, thinning as it drifted toward the ceiling.
01:55Remember the first picture we ever got, King?
02:00Let's see.
02:02Almost seven years ago, it was.
02:06What was her name?
02:08Oh, yes.
02:09Matilda.
02:11Matilda Philby.
02:13We got her name from a Lonely Hearts Club list.
02:18Remember?
02:19That was back when I first decided to start this little love for money game.
02:24After a couple of warm letters crossed, it came.
02:29Whew.
02:30What a face.
02:32Look at this, King.
02:34How could I ever love an ugly wench like this?
02:38But she had money, didn't she, King?
02:41Remember?
02:42She wrote describing her house, the furnishings.
02:47She's rich, though, King.
02:49She's got loot, and she lives alone.
02:53Maybe...
02:55Maybe looks aren't everything.
02:59So we took the plunge, eh, boy?
03:01We wrote passionate tomes of love and finally proposed.
03:06And she accepted.
03:08So we pawned my watch, bought a new suit of clothes and a ticket, and went.
03:14Howard, dear one.
03:16Matilda, my pet.
03:20How long was it after our wedding, King?
03:23Six months?
03:25Not much more.
03:27Poor Matilda.
03:29She never even knew we'd loosened the top seller's stare.
03:33AHHHHH!
03:35Matilda!
03:36What is it?
03:37The fall didn't kill her, did it?
03:40We had to go down and finish the job.
03:45Messy business.
03:47Howard, I'm hurt.
03:50I... I...
03:52Howard!
03:53How much did we make on that deal, King?
03:57Let's see.
03:59We sold the house for $10,000, and...
04:02Oh, yes.
04:03All told, about $60,000.
04:06You're leaving us, Mr. Crown?
04:10Why, yes, Mrs. Centine.
04:13I...
04:14I just can't stay here with all these memories.
04:21So we moved on, eh, King?
04:24And about three months later, we contacted our second victim.
04:29She'd advertised in a personal column, hadn't she?
04:33Yep, it began again.
04:37Well, at least she's better than the last one, eh, King?
04:41Lord!
04:42Aren't there any pretty rich widows?
04:45Took us six months of ardent lovemaking via the U.S. mail to convince that one, huh, King?
04:54What was her name?
04:56Oh, yes.
04:58Howard! Sweet!
05:00Effie, my dear.
05:03We didn't waste much time with her, eh, King?
05:07She wasn't as wealthy as we thought.
05:10Sometimes it's hard to tell, isn't it?
05:13And you can't very well ask,
05:15how long did Effie last before she fell from her apartment window?
05:23The fresh air fiend.
05:25It was so easy to push her.
05:30She had jewelry, though.
05:32How much did we get?
05:34Five grand or so, wasn't it?
05:37We hate to see you go, Mr. Prince.
05:41The apartment.
05:43Well, it's so big and empty now.
05:47Number three answered our ad, eh, King?
05:51She was the worst of the lot.
05:55Two hundred pounds at least.
05:58But she had that real estate out in Oklahoma.
06:03So?
06:04Howard, dearest.
06:07Luella, my love.
06:10That job was the cleverest, though, I must admit.
06:15Remember?
06:16I made sure to leave you home that day we went driving.
06:21Be careful, Howard.
06:22There's a sharp drop on this turn.
06:25You, you...
06:26Howard, where are you going?
06:29Goodbye, Luella.
06:30I leaped from the car just as it went over the cliff.
06:35Oh, you should have been there, King.
06:38You'd have been proud of me.
06:41And what a sight.
06:42The car going over and over.
06:46Down.
06:47Down.
06:49Ah!
06:51That real estate brought us seventy grand, huh, King?
06:56Yes, but that was a mistake.
07:01Selling it.
07:02Later they found oil there.
07:05Of all the luck.
07:07Oh, well.
07:08We made up for it on number four.
07:11Remember her?
07:13Howard, my dream.
07:16Veronica, you look even lovelier than your picture.
07:20The factory that Veronica's first husband had left her was worth a small fortune.
07:29Chemicals.
07:30It spelled her own undoing, eh, King?
07:33Remember how I learned about that non-traceable poison?
07:37Howard, that coffee, I...
07:40I...
07:41Yes, Veronica.
07:43What about it?
07:45Poor Veronica.
07:46The poison made her go into such painful convulsions before she died.
07:53But a hundred thousand dollars wasn't hay, was it, King?
07:57You sure you want to sell, Mr. Royal?
08:00After all...
08:02Yes, Mr. Bibbs.
08:04I'd rather.
08:06I...
08:06I couldn't go on without her.
08:10Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.
08:12How many were there altogether, King?
08:16Seven?
08:17Yes, seven.
08:20Why, we could have retired easily with the fortune we'd made from them.
08:26But then we read this one's...
08:29Janet's ad.
08:31Hmm, listen to this, King.
08:34Lonely woman desires correspondence with refined gentlemen.
08:38We couldn't resist, could we, King?
08:42We had to write.
08:44And then her answer came.
08:46Dear Mr. Throne, your letter arrived today, and I read it with much interest.
08:54You sound very cultured and well-traveled.
08:57I would enjoy corresponding with you.
09:01Janet Lane.
09:02Howard put his pipe down and smiled.
09:07He shuffled through a sheaf of papers.
09:10So we started writing, eh, King?
09:13Let's see.
09:15Here's her second letter.
09:17Dear Howard, if I may be so bold.
09:21I reside in a sturdily built stone house.
09:25The property is very large, almost twelve acres, and very well kept.
09:32But for a woman such as myself, being alone as I am, without anyone living for miles around,
09:41life can be very hard.
09:43Your letters are a great comfort.
09:45Can't you see her, King, this ravishing woman living all alone on this palatial estate and
09:52a huge field stone house?
09:55Why, it sounds almost too good to be true.
09:59Listen to this letter.
10:00King, my boy, I think it's time that you and I were settling down.
10:23We're not getting any younger, you know.
10:26And if Janet...
10:28Howard picked up the photograph of the lovely woman.
10:32If Janet looks like this, I think we've found the right one this time.
10:37Why, you'll have that big estate to romp around in, with the hand-wrought iron gates and the
10:44gardeners and trees, flowers, and a big stone house.
10:51Howard picked up a pen.
10:54I'm going to propose to her, King.
10:56She speaks of how lonely she is, and she has my picture.
11:02Maybe, maybe she'll say yes.
11:05Three days later, Janet's answer came.
11:09She accepted, King.
11:11She'll marry me.
11:13Oh, I wouldn't let myself hope.
11:15But now I'm so happy.
11:17Howard packed his bags.
11:19No more wandering around for us, boy.
11:23No more aliases.
11:25No more false lovemaking.
11:27We're settling down for good.
11:31Howard sent a telegram on ahead announcing his expected arrival date, and he and King set
11:37out by car for Janet's home.
11:40Only 50 more miles, boy.
11:42We'll be there before midnight.
11:45Howard checked Janet's address with a policeman in the town.
11:49Bayberry Road?
11:51Why, it's straight on south about two miles.
11:54You can't miss it.
11:56What number was that?
11:58That's all right, officer.
12:00I'll find it.
12:01Thanks.
12:02Bayberry Road was a long, narrow, tree-lined lane off the main highway.
12:07There were few houses along it.
12:11Finally.
12:12There's the wrought iron gate, King.
12:15We're here.
12:16As Howard's car swung in at the gate, his headlights fell across.
12:22What the?
12:24The letters were rusted and old, but very clear.
12:28A cemetery?
12:30King began to whine softly.
12:33Steady, boy.
12:35Steady.
12:36We must have made a mistake.
12:38Suddenly, the car door swung open.
12:41King yelled.
12:44Good lord.
12:46The rotted, decayed thing grinned, reaching outward.
12:51Its flesh crawled with the slime of death.
12:54Its voice rasped like a worn-out gramophone cylinder.
13:00Howard.
13:01Howard howling.
13:05Janice!
13:07No!
13:08No!
13:09King leaped from the car howling.
13:13The thing closed its flesh-tattered, bony fingers around Howard's wrist in a vice-like grip
13:19and dragged him from the car toward the open mausoleum.
13:22I'm sorry I didn't have a more recent snapshot, my dear.
13:28Aren't the grounds just as I described them?
13:31The female thing dragged the screaming man into the satin-draped mausoleum with the stained
13:38glass window, across the marble floor, and into the hardwood, bronze-trimmed coffin.
13:46And all the while, as it closed the lid down, it kept murmuring, spewing its foul-smelling
13:54breath upon his terror-stricken face.
13:57It's been so lonely here, my dear, but now that's all over.
14:06What a love affair, eh, kitties?
14:11All over now is a rike.
14:15For Howie, that is.
14:17Oh, by the way, in case you're wondering what happened to King, rest your fiendish minds.
14:23Janet had a dog named Queenie.
14:25And now it's time to close that putrid Crypt Keeper's mag.
14:30We'll all see you next in the Vault Keeper's mess, the Vault of Horror.
14:35Bye now.
14:37And if you get any love letters signed Janet or Howie, he he he, well...
14:55I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
15:12Bye now.
15:17Bye now.
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