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00:00I browsed as a child, my quirks hadn't exactly gone under the radar.
00:03See you later, Landon.
00:05I was basically a box of broken biscuits, but I enjoy being on the wonky side.
00:11Until 1989.
00:15I'd grown a foot, dropped two octaves, and unbeknownst to me, was heading into a new era.
00:21A saucy one.
00:23So this was it. It was happening to little old me of all people.
00:27Lust, desire, passion, boobies.
00:34My libido had gone full throttle, so I loved popping into Athena.
00:38It was like woolies for perverts.
00:43All right, I thought women were a bit like olives.
00:46They'd turn your stomach at first, but if you persevere, you'd learn to love them.
00:50Oh, who was I kidding?
00:56I was there for Jake.
00:59Who needs a tennis player itching her bum when the cutest boy in school is tugging at your heartstrings?
01:04Oh, hello. You here again?
01:11It's a Saturday job. I've got to be here every Saturday.
01:15Er, I was just wondering, have you got that poster with that lady on the motorbike?
01:20Well, yeah. Cracking photo, though. Suzuki Katana.
01:23Well, I don't know her name, but lovely bag.
01:27Do you roll them, or do they come ready rolled in a plastic sheaf?
01:30Ready rolled.
01:36Oh, me and Mum love Cindy Louvre, huh?
01:38It's 3.80.
01:40Hm?
01:413.80.
01:47Keep the change.
01:51Oh, yeah, absolutely.
01:53Love a life about me.
01:54You do not want to be lost at sea without one of those boys.
01:57No, sorry.
01:58You're funny.
02:00Oh.
02:02See you Monday, then.
02:06Oh, God, I nearly ran off with this cane ring.
02:09Keep it.
02:11What?
02:11They won't even notice if you want it.
02:14Keep it.
02:20Oh, I'll go.
02:21Bye.
02:25That's gonna kill me.
02:27My dad was riding high and also looking for a man.
02:30Not like that, a midfielder.
02:32Graham!
02:34Hey, shush, shush, shush.
02:35He's on telly.
02:35Yeah, manager of the month again.
02:38You're gonna have a drink problem at this rate.
02:39Yeah, uh, chuffed to bits.
02:42We're obviously doing something right.
02:44Any transfers on the horizon?
02:46Anyone caught your eye?
02:47Uh, they have.
02:48I'm just waiting for this one to open his cheque book.
02:52Oh, yeah, it's open.
02:54It's, my pen is poised.
02:56It better be, because I need a midfielder sharpish.
02:58Don't put that on the TV.
03:00No, no.
03:01Yeah.
03:02I mean, do we do that photo?
03:03Come on.
03:05Here we are.
03:05Right, go ahead, guys.
03:07Come on, lads, come on!
03:11Come in here, it's bloody whiskey, not champagne, you idiot.
03:15Don't know it.
03:16Yeah!
03:17Bam bam, oh, ça se place.
03:18J'ai sur mon lit à bouffée, ça l'entend buvant.
03:21Mon whisky quand à moi, un peu dormi, vivé et briné.
03:24D'aider du dormir dans la bouche, j'ai eu un flash.
03:26Ha!
03:39I'm telling that.
03:40No, you're not.
03:41No, you're not.
03:48Oh, was it?
03:49Yeah, great. Call me Flipper.
03:53Mr. Carr!
03:54Miss Pearson, wait a minute, yeah?
03:56No, she's not. Off you go!
03:58Mr. Carr!
03:58Paint your foot down, job, job, job!
04:01Glad I caught you.
04:03Miss Pearson.
04:04Dad loved sporty women.
04:05He only ever looked at a cleavage to see if there was a stopwatch there.
04:09Is everything all right?
04:10I don't know. Is it?
04:12Oh, no!
04:14This is Graham's. He won it.
04:16It's Manager of the Month.
04:20Award.
04:21All right, congratulations. They're not wrong.
04:24Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.
04:28Are you all right, Alan?
04:29Yep. He had a great time, by all accounts.
04:32Oh, did he?
04:33Well, I don't know where, cos he never turned up for his swimming lesson.
04:35You what?
04:36With hands?
04:37If it happens again, I'll have to give his place away.
04:39It won't.
04:40I'll throw him in myself.
04:41I am so sorry, Miss Pearson.
04:46Good stride.
04:48Where the bloody hell were you?
04:50I had a dicky tan.
04:53Not funny, Gavin.
04:54Can you smell lemonade?
04:55We all know I'm no fan of PE.
05:00Cry it out loud, get on with it.
05:03But when Jake was doing the picking, everything seemed bearable, even team sports.
05:08All right.
05:09All right.
05:10Alan.
05:11Me!
05:12He picked me!
05:13I would have picked Simon meself.
05:15I won't let you down.
05:17Go get it.
05:18Let's do it, eh?
05:19All right, Scromaji!
05:20Come on!
05:21So, how was the rest of your weekend?
05:23We saw each other Saturday.
05:24What?
05:25He just came to the shop.
05:26What?
05:27Oh, it's a modern art.
05:28Oh, and a key rent.
05:29Well, I didn't have to buy the key rent, because Jake gave it to me, gratis.
05:32Are you giving him free stuff?
05:33Yeah.
05:34Me?
05:35Yes, you did.
05:36You're buying him presents, Jay.
05:37It's not a big deal.
05:38I just said, you know, like, boss never cares.
05:39Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
05:40Oh, shut up.
05:41He probably fancies you.
05:42No, I don't.
05:43Who's looking at tits?
05:44Who's looking at tits?
05:45You know that?
05:46Who's looking at tits?
05:47No.
05:48No, I'm not a caveman.
05:49I don't just look at the tits, I look at the whole lady.
05:52Sure, sure.
05:53Who do you fancy, then?
05:54Yeah, come on, Alan.
05:55Who's the unlucky lady?
05:56Come on, Alan.
05:57Come on, Alan.
05:58Why is he saying that?
05:59Who's looking at tits?
06:00Who's the unlucky lady?
06:01Come on, Alan.
06:02Why is he saying that?
06:03You're giving him free stuff?
06:04No.
06:05I'm not a big deal.
06:06I just said, you know, like, boss never cares.
06:08Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
06:09Oh, shut up.
06:10You probably fancies you.
06:11No, I don't.
06:12Who's looking at tits?
06:13You know the posters.
06:14But, no, I'm not a caveman.
06:17It's taking so long.
06:18Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:19Georgie.
06:20Oh, Georgie.
06:21What do you like about her?
06:22Her name, because it sounded like her boys.
06:24Well, she's formidable.
06:27Well, you, buddy, should ask her out.
06:30Yeah, ask her out.
06:32Why not?
06:33I'm coming for you.
06:36Lucky old Georgie.
06:38What are you doing?
06:40Comparing persons?
06:41Come on, crack on, lads.
06:43Come on.
06:44So when you're asking her out, Alan?
06:45Oh, get out on the leg.
06:46Cut!
06:47What are you staring at?
06:48Come on, Alan.
06:57Saturday meant another swimming lesson, and after a finagate, my mum was watching me like
07:01a hawk.
07:02Right, I want to see you back here in an hour.
07:04Right, go on.
07:05I want to see you going.
07:06Come on.
07:07Have fun.
07:08Hmm.
07:09Don't trust them.
07:10Where's your trance?
07:11Didn't bring them.
07:12I'll cover for you, you can cover for me.
07:14You're wearing the...
07:16Look at how we'll care look if I don't.
07:17Right, knock me out when you're done.
07:18I'm starving.
07:19I don't know what was more humiliating, being forced to do a swimming lesson because your
07:23dad fancied the teacher.
07:24I don't know what was more humiliating.
07:25I don't know what was more humiliating, being forced to do a swimming lesson because your
07:44dad fancied the teacher, or that your classmates were six.
07:48Hey, I'm OK.
07:50Oh my, I'm fine.
07:52OK.
07:53Hello, I'm была.
07:54Molti!
07:55Hope to see you whoonteff werde.
07:56I'm like...
07:57I do know all this is phenomenal.
07:59That's my home coming.
08:00Oh my, my dear.
08:01It's a bad season.
08:02I'll try it with my soul, but I'm soulous.
08:05A good moment.
08:07Oh, boy.
08:08I love my beautiful Dad, blackaven.
08:09HE exactly macam that as a beautiful Honey Yammer.
08:11Well, let me go.
08:12And how...
08:13No, that's my hair.
08:14MUSIC.
08:15All right, let me go.
08:16I do know all these and I get the meat on my stomach.
08:17The only thing tighter than my swim cap was Ron's wallet.
08:24The cobblers needed a midfielder fast, and he was treading water.
08:29Yes.
08:31Yeah.
08:32Well, let me have a few chats this morning, OK?
08:35Hang on, Martin.
08:37Paperwork for Bodley.
08:39Sale done. That's 19k in our pocket.
08:41Up the offer for Thomas.
08:42Well, we can't offer the full 19, I mean.
08:45Got to hold the bit back, Graham.
08:47I've got gaps to plug.
08:49Gaps to plug? I've got a gaping hole in midfield.
08:51Yeah, but 19k, we can't.
08:53Oh, trust me, Ron, he's worth every penny of it.
08:56Oh, we need this.
08:58I heard he's got dodgy knees.
09:00Big time.
09:01Hear him click from the stands.
09:03Look.
09:04Sorry, Martin.
09:06Yeah.
09:07Yeah, we'd like to offer...
09:1319k.
09:14Black coffee, please.
09:20Sorry, I'm Graham Carr's wife.
09:23Oh, yeah.
09:24Yes, I am.
09:25I've seen you in the papers.
09:27It's amazing.
09:28He's amazing.
09:30Yeah, thank you.
09:31I've had a good run of it, aren't we?
09:33He's at the ground now.
09:35Big day.
09:36Buying, selling, transferring this, transferring that,
09:42buying bits and bobs.
09:44Yeah, big.
09:45Big.
09:46There's a lot of buying and selling going on.
09:49I couldn't get your autograph, could I?
09:52Oh, God, no.
09:55Really?
09:56Oh, you don't want mine?
09:59Who should I make it out to?
10:00Wendy.
10:03She just did her usual signature,
10:06but from that point on,
10:07she took to making the A of car
10:09into a little football.
10:11That's a little football.
10:14Thank you, Wendy.
10:18£1.30, please.
10:21Little biscuit.
10:22I'm sorry, what was your name?
10:28Becky.
10:29Thank you, Becky.
10:36Frothy coffee, please.
10:37Oh, they should have called by now.
10:53I say yes, surely.
10:5419k.
10:55Fancy a tea?
10:56I fancy a tea.
10:59Joy?
11:03Yeah, let's go back.
11:06Joy?
11:07Hello, stranger.
11:21God almighty, Ange.
11:23Let's get you a napkin.
11:24Sorry, she's had a little spillage.
11:26Oh, shades are too big for your face.
11:28Another one?
11:29No, I'll go.
11:31They, um,
11:32sort of know me, yeah?
11:34No, regular haunt, is he?
11:36No, they recognise me.
11:38Because of Graham,
11:39all the press nonsense.
11:41I'm still getting used to it.
11:43All right.
11:44I'm not going to believe this.
11:47Woman
11:48just asked me for me autograph.
11:50I don't believe it, no.
11:53I'll go.
11:54She gave me a free biscuit when she clocked who I was.
11:56Oh, Christine, bless you, no, they give everyone a little biscuit.
11:59Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
12:01Nobody pays for the little biscuit.
12:02Yeah, but she did a sort of cheeky smile when she put it on.
12:05People tend to do a cheeky smile when there's a biscuit around, Christine.
12:08No.
12:09It was definite.
12:09Let's see, shall we?
12:16Martin?
12:18Knocked 9k off that.
12:19We've crunched the numbers again.
12:2210k is top whack.
12:23I know, I know, but think about it.
12:26No.
12:27Martin.
12:30Wash your mouth out.
12:32I need you to phone that phone from this phone.
12:41What phone?
12:42That phone.
12:43Boardroom phone.
12:44Can't I just call it from my office phone?
12:47Then it would be an internal ring.
12:50Brrrr.
12:51We need it to be an external ring.
12:53Brrrr.
12:54Brrrr.
12:55Right.
12:56Right.
12:57But it is internal, because it's me.
13:00But it's not you, is it?
13:04Just phone that bloody phone from this bloody phone, please, Joy.
13:08And what do I say?
13:09Nothing!
13:15He's on its way.
13:17Doggy paddle's not the most efficient stroke, Alan.
13:20If it's good math, they're a lacrotob.
13:27Oi, Alan.
13:29Where's your arm burn?
13:31A nice swimming cap.
13:32Why are you in the pissy pool with the toddlers?
13:35Excuse me.
13:36This is a private lesson.
13:37A private lesson that I'm helping Miss Pearson with.
13:40As a teaching assistant.
13:42Yeah, that's it.
13:43Alan.
13:45What did I say, Peter, about kicking those legs?
13:48No, Joanne, push through the water.
13:51Now, for the love of God, not good enough.
13:54Alan.
13:54Really cute, isn't it?
13:56The Little Mermaid's trying to get a five-meter badge.
13:58Nice one.
14:00Alan, get back here!
14:01Yeah, I'm just going on the break.
14:03This is Pearson, can you help me?
14:05Oh, come on.
14:06Jane!
14:06Hey.
14:07Oh, my God.
14:07What are you doing here?
14:08Is this Saturday?
14:09Oh, um, I got the sack.
14:11Why?
14:12Can't we give the stuff away?
14:14Oh, the key ring.
14:15We're so mad for you.
14:15No, it's not.
14:16It wasn't that.
14:18My mum paid with a tenner and I gave her 20 change.
14:21Oh, she ain't gravel, you devil.
14:24See you in there.
14:43Are you perving on Jane?
14:44Well, no.
14:45Because your girlfriend's here.
14:48Georgie.
14:49How is she?
14:50You can ask her out.
14:52But I've got to go back.
14:55Ask her out.
14:58Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
15:00Isn't that right, Alan?
15:02Guilty as charged.
15:05And Maz, everyone thinks you're hot too.
15:07Yeah, I know.
15:08God, yeah.
15:10It's like being in a suit with two sexy croutons.
15:14What's a crouton?
15:14Why, when you were feeling so self-conscious, would you pop on a pair of trunks and bob along half-naked in a giant bath, hoping that someone, anyone, would find you attractive?
15:26No heavy petting.
15:28You what?
15:28You heard.
15:29So just to clarify, the little biscuits, they're free.
15:32They're free, yep.
15:33For everyone.
15:35Yep.
15:35Not just the wives of third division football managers.
15:38What?
15:39Thought not.
15:41Thank you, sir.
15:42What's your name?
15:42Becky.
15:43Thank you, Becky.
15:45You've been very helpful.
15:56Hello?
15:57Hello!
15:57No!
15:58Hello, Martin!
16:01Have you?
16:03Oh, no.
16:05Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
16:07That's a shame.
16:10Thanks for letting us know.
16:12Yeah.
16:13They got a better offer.
16:17A 19K?
16:19Mm!
16:20You're joking.
16:21I wish I was.
16:22I really wish I was.
16:24Greedy buggers.
16:26I don't believe that.
16:34Thanks for that.
16:35I must have just left it.
16:37Yeah.
16:37Any chance of that tea?
16:40Yeah.
16:41Get a wiggle on, Joy.
16:46Oh, Georgie.
16:48Mona, Georgie.
16:53Oh, backstroke.
16:55I'd like to stroke your back.
16:57I'd like to stroke your back.
17:00Feet bends.
17:01Bend!
17:01Oh, thanks.
17:02Stroke your back.
17:03Stroke your arse more like.
17:05It's all right.
17:06It's all right.
17:07You don't have to try so hard, don't you?
17:09Yes, I do.
17:11Maybe you don't.
17:12You're charming, popular, debonair.
17:14Better at this stuff.
17:15You coming to the deep end, Alan, or what?
17:18No, yeah.
17:19You'd probably just stay with the little ones.
17:21Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
17:23Shut up, Mandy.
17:23He's not allowed in the deep end.
17:26Leave him.
17:27He's meant to be teaching.
17:29Give me him.
17:29No.
17:31No.
17:31See ya!
17:34My glasses.
17:35I can't see.
17:37My glasses were just there.
17:39Like Harold Bishop's were when he drowned in neighbours.
17:45We always say we should do coffee, don't we?
18:04I think I'm going to go and watch Alan for a bit.
18:06Okay.
18:07I'll come have a squiss.
18:09Thank you, Becky.
18:09Thank you, Becky.
18:15I'm just working out my angle of entrance.
18:44Just jump in, man.
18:46What are you doing?
18:47He can't swim.
18:49How old's that climb?
18:50Prove it, then.
18:51Oh, don't, Leslie.
18:53Alan, get back in the baby pool.
18:58You're scared.
19:01Alan, get in.
19:02Alan, go.
19:03I've got to swim.
19:04You're scared.
19:07Jump in, Alan.
19:08Jump in, Alan.
19:09This is crashing.
19:11Jump in.
19:12Jump in.
19:13Jump in, jump in, jump in, jump in.
19:19Go around.
19:20Jump in.
19:21There's a poo in the pool.
19:26There's a poo in the pool.
19:28Evacuate the pool, everyone else.
19:33Please evacuate the pool.
19:35Please take your way back to the changing rooms then.
19:39Shame about your glasses, mate.
19:41Oh, my God.
19:47Open him.
19:48Someone open.
19:49Open.
19:49I couldn't help thinking these swimming lessons had been a waste of money.
19:59But drowning was preferable to romance in a girl.
20:01Where's Jake?
20:06Where's Alan?
20:09I just died on your arms tonight.
20:14What was it?
20:15I just died on your arms tonight.
20:20Oh, was it?
20:27Well, er...
20:28Thanks for asking.
20:30We lost Roberts.
20:32I nearly lost Alan.
20:33What?
20:35What's wrong with your glasses?
20:36Oh, they got much in a suction pack.
20:39So I couldn't swim.
20:40Who cares?
20:41I swallowed a floating plaster.
20:43So what?
20:44I was heading home with a lung filled with chlorine
20:47and a heart full of love.
20:50Maybe I should try drowning more often.
20:53Where's your hair dry?
20:54Take it, Tom?
21:03So, I was Miss Pearson.
21:06Mentioned me.
21:11Let me take you to a place I know you want to go.
21:14It's a good life.
21:16Yes, that's the one.
21:19Alan?
21:20You nearly ready?
21:21Mum?
21:22Do you think I should take me jazz shoes?
21:24You're only going tonight, love.
21:26You couldn't get away with a jashu in Northampton.
21:29Believe me, I've tried.
21:31This town was cramping my style.
21:33I needed somewhere bigger, somewhere brighter,
21:36somewhere I could blend in.
21:38I needed London, Gary.
21:40You can't wear a show suit.
21:42You could run into a man of oil.
21:44Go!
21:45Get changed.
21:46Mum and Dad had a work meeting in town,
21:48so we were staying with Aunty Terry.
21:50A hop, skip and a jump from London's glittering West End.
21:55Are you sure she's up to this?
21:57Of course.
21:58Oh, you're not still on a bet last time.
22:00She took him to the dogs and lost him.
22:02How I got stuck in that kennel, I'll never know.
22:05But this time, I've come prepared.
22:07Got me cockany rhyming slang.
22:09Oh, love, no one talks like that anymore.
22:11What a load of old pony!
22:14You must be going matten.
22:17You've got to keep your wits about you down London town.
22:19Val got mugged outside in Aberdeen Angers.
22:21She didn't even realise.
22:23Are that southerners for you?
22:24A god-awful place.
22:26Gangster-loving, ale-eating...
22:29Oi!
22:29I'm a sevener.
22:30Let me finish
22:31with the most beautiful women in the country.
22:35And I'm including your mum in that.
22:38Charming.
22:39He who tires of London...
22:41Tires of pain.
22:42£1.20 for a bite.
22:44They're taking the mick.
22:46Right, let's go.
22:47Everyone in the core.
22:49I'll be seeing you shortly, George.
22:52Wait till I tell Kate, I've been to...
22:55Barney!
22:55Oh, a hop, skip and quite a long jump
22:58from London's glittering West End then.
23:01Four-hour round-trip.
23:02I don't even know what this bloke wants.
23:04He's probably trying to poach Alfie for Stoke.
23:06Oh, sharks, these agents.
23:08Oh, Graham, put a sock in it.
23:09You're being wined and dined.
23:10Oh, I'd love to be wined and dined.
23:13Oh, shit.
23:15Alfie's not even scored all season.
23:16Dad!
23:17You're in the cultural captain of the world, OK?
23:19Stop talking about football.
23:22Oh, my God, is that Gloria Hannaford?
23:24It's Gloria Hannaford.
23:26No, it is.
23:27I think it is Gloria Hannaford.
23:30No.
23:31Yeah, it's not.
23:32You're never more than six foot away from a celeb in London.
23:36We're only just off the M1, for Christ's sake.
23:38And it's rats, not celebrities.
23:40One and the same, darling.
23:42Oh, you're early.
23:44We're 20 minutes late.
23:46Oh.
23:46Thanks for this, Terry.
23:47I appreciate it.
23:48Oh, please.
23:50You know I love him.
23:52Oh!
23:54Them.
23:55I love them both, because there's two of them, isn't there?
23:58Yeah.
23:59Right, so Gary's inhaler's in his rucksack.
24:01Oh, go on.
24:02I'll have a quick puff.
24:05Oh, we're going to have fun, aren't we, eh?
24:07The three musketeers.
24:08All for one and all for...
24:12One.
24:13So you've got Graham's mobile number.
24:15I'm not phoning a mobile.
24:17No, but if you need it.
24:18No, they're not safe, Chris.
24:19Might as well stick you in the microwave.
24:21Yeah, I'm not sure that's how...
24:23No, no, no, sorry.
24:23You think about it.
24:24You've got a normal phone.
24:26The waves, they're travelling up the cord.
24:28They get stuck, trapped in the cord.
24:31You've got no cord.
24:32Those waves are going straight into your brain.
24:36Yeah, well, yeah, you can always phone the restaurant.
24:38Alan's got the details.
24:39Imperial China Piccadilly Circus.
24:41Who are you going with again?
24:42I'm just some football agent.
24:44Oh, wined and dined.
24:48Yeah.
24:49Right, come on then.
24:51The eighth.
24:52Right, kid.
24:55Look after him.
24:57All right.
24:58My auntie Terry was the naughty to my mum's nice.
25:07Right then.
25:08An ashtray half full kind of girl.
25:11Oh, this is nice.
25:13What do you think it's doing?
25:15Well, so, where are we going to go?
25:17Are you going to be culling in?
25:18Hello, Mr. Wolf.
25:24Boom!
25:27Boom!
25:28Oh, you don't want to boo any more.
25:32He used to love a bit of boo.
25:33He's dead.
25:35Oh, timeless boo, innit?
25:37Oh, I've got one.
25:39Bet he can't find my fags in ten seconds.
25:43Go.
25:43No, cos we were thinking that maybe we could go up to the West End.
25:47See the mouse trap.
25:48Oh, oh, up the East End.
25:50White Chapel, cos I do a Jack the Ripper tour.
25:52Hey, I win!
25:55We can just do that round here, can't we?
25:57No, because I think that you need to go where he actually did the murders, otherwise you
26:02are just having a walk.
26:03What about a film?
26:07Have you seen Pretty Woman?
26:09Before you start, it is not about me.
26:13Yeah, I've wanted to say that.
26:15I was going to ask Jake if he wanted to go with me, Jake's boy in my class.
26:18I think that he was a little bit put off by the poster.
26:22He said, why would a prostitute be wearing waders?
26:24Yeah, hook-a-boots, Alan.
26:26Oh!
26:27Come here goes the big Odeon.
26:28In Leicester Square, the seats are meant to be massive.
26:32We don't need to go out.
26:34Hey, VHS.
26:36My mate Wes got me a knock-off coffee.
26:38That's piracy, that's illegal.
26:41If you hear any police sirens, right, just duck down behind the sofa, all right?
26:46Ah, you're fine!
26:50I'm joking!
26:52I'm joking!
26:56Sorry to drag you into town.
26:57Ah, no.
26:58Not at all.
26:59It's our pleasure.
27:00Much to discuss, but I'll be buggered if I'm coming to Northampton.
27:06Food's fantastic here.
27:08Oh, I bet.
27:10It's lovely.
27:12Lovely lanterns.
27:13Oh, you're all right.
27:17Um, I'll order for the table, shall I?
27:19I know my way around the menu.
27:20Oh, I think we all do, don't we?
27:2236, couple of 22s, port balls and a pancake roll.
27:25Yeah, it's a little bit more authentic here, so...
27:28Right, you go ahead, then.
27:31Did you like the sweet and sour balls, though, didn't you, Graham?
27:33Yeah, I can live without the balls.
27:35I will follow your lead.
27:37Smart man.
27:38Jesus Christ.
27:39Um, you took your time.
27:41Right, um...
27:41Sorry, um, is it true that Diana
27:43you're right here?
27:44It is, yes.
27:45Oh.
27:46Touch.
27:47Very exciting, isn't it?
27:49Oh.
27:50Has Ken got any lobsters in?
27:52The Chinese restaurant might have been the real deal.
27:55This VHS clearly wasn't.
27:57Gary!
28:00Gary, we're not putting in.
28:03Sit up.
28:03Sit.
28:04Ah, here we go, boys.
28:05Couple of Coke floats.
28:09Oh, it's good, isn't it?
28:12When's dinner?
28:13We'll grab a bite to eat when we're out.
28:15We should get going, really.
28:17Big Ben's ticking away.
28:19No, no, no.
28:19I've got it all planned.
28:20Your dinner.
28:21Yeah.
28:23Yeah.
28:25Cousin.
28:28Honestly, Terry, just chucks a banana on the way.
28:31I can't be bothered with dinner after time.
28:33Just have a bit of Philadelphia on a Weetabix.
28:36Don't go to any trouble on our account.
28:38Just grab something up west once we get going.
28:41She can curry all right.
28:44Mum usually makes it from scratch.
28:46I haven't got the time to be pissing about with an onion, Alan.
28:48I do have a life.
28:52So, tube or cab?
28:54Which one we're getting?
28:55I bought a soft shoe for the palace, out of respect.
28:58Cab?
28:59Well, it says 180 here, but I reckon just to grill it,
29:03it'd be so much quicker, won't it?
29:05I've never seen London before.
29:07You're in London now, Alan.
29:09Greater London.
29:10They call it that because it's better than the middle bit.
29:12Oh, excuse.
29:13Won't be a sec.
29:14Keep an eye on that curry, Alan.
29:16Hello.
29:17Oh, I know you.
29:21No.
29:22No, I'm not.
29:24Come on, don't do it.
29:26I've got my sister's boys.
29:28Stop it.
29:32All right.
29:34All right.
29:36You said you want to go out.
29:38We're going to go out!
29:41Gary, grab your ragsack.
29:43We're off to London town.
29:46Terry's local was more Dead End than West End, but at least it was half a mile in the right direction.
29:57All right, Wes.
29:59All right, Terry.
30:00These are my nephews, Alan, Gary.
30:03All right, lads.
30:04Well, Tim, we've got one, boys.
30:05A little, please.
30:06And some bacon crispies.
30:07On the tab.
30:08We're not stopping.
30:09Edna West.
30:11Gavin will have that, and then we'll be off, yeah?
30:13Hi, darling.
30:14Hey, ladies!
30:17Yay!
30:20You do a 3-3-2, right?
30:22You have Johnson at the back, Freeman up front.
30:24It's a no-brainer.
30:25Yeah.
30:25So, do you live nearby?
30:27Kensington.
30:28Oh.
30:29That's a lovely big ass.
30:31Freezing.
30:31Four floors.
30:32Extortionate, dude.
30:33Yeah, well, we're double glazed throughout, so that does help.
30:36Sorry.
30:39I feel like he's listening.
30:41I think it's the eyes.
30:43We eat a lot of fish.
30:44Oh, yeah, so do we.
30:45They just tend to take the eyes out before they put them in breadcrumbs.
30:49Chengdu region.
30:50Hmm?
30:51Chengdu region.
30:52The chef is incredible with seafood.
30:54He got a decent Chinese, don't he?
30:56Oh, yeah.
30:57Got a really good one.
30:58They do fish and chips and all, don't they, Graham?
31:00Mm.
31:00Well, it's good for the kids.
31:03Um, can we get a couple of forks here?
31:05Yeah, I don't think chopsticks have made it to Northampton yet.
31:08I suppose you need opposable thumbs to use them.
31:12Yeah, well, those thumbs have got them to the top of the league.
31:16And it's been noted.
31:18It's been noted.
31:22Aunt Tevye, we can kiss goodbye to the mousetrap.
31:26The curtain's gone up.
31:27Sorry.
31:28Oh, you must be hungry.
31:30Get yourself a bag of crisps, or me.
31:32I can have crisps at home.
31:34I want to see a BP to a close range.
31:36Just a furry hat, Alan.
31:38I've just got to stay, just for a little bit, yeah?
31:41Why don't you have a throw, yeah?
31:44Go on.
31:45Go on, have a throw.
31:47For me.
31:51Right, can we go now?
31:53You're standing wrong.
31:54Oh.
31:54You show him.
32:03White and mild.
32:04And a bottle of white.
32:06It's your cheapest one.
32:07Yeah.
32:13You must be Gary.
32:15Fantastic.
32:17Your Aunty Terry.
32:18Real special lady.
32:19Here you go, my love.
32:23Try that.
32:25Shelley, I'm a minus 4.5.
32:28I think it's holding you back.
32:30Clear the board, Lance!
32:35Mmm.
32:36With that.
32:38Yes, better.
32:39From, uh, Uncle Mick.
32:41Oh, sweet!
32:45Who's Uncle Mick?
32:46We don't have an Uncle Mick.
32:47We might have one day.
32:48If I play my cards right.
32:52Well, hopefully, Uncle's come to drive us up west.
32:56Load of cash in it.
32:58Well, I should know.
32:59I'm making it.
33:00She's spending it, but I'm making it.
33:04It's always the way, eh, girlies?
33:05Oh, no.
33:06No, thank you.
33:06Not for me.
33:08I've got a bit of a headache, actually.
33:09Sorry.
33:11Graham?
33:12What?
33:13I've got a bit of a headache.
33:14Right.
33:14I'll drink some water.
33:18Excuse me.
33:21I'm going for a cigarette.
33:22All right, love.
33:23All right.
33:25Want another beer?
33:30Jack the Ripper who?
33:31Maybe I didn't need to go traipsing around Whitechapel
33:35listening to someone witter on about disembowelling.
33:38I'd discover darts.
33:43These arrows had given me life.
33:46I was starting to feel optimistic.
33:50Whereas Mick was feeling Becky with the bad hair's arse.
33:55Look, no hands.
33:56All right, Mr. Ruck, go first.
33:57I've missed chatting to you.
34:06What are you doing?
34:06Sit down.
34:07It's my fault I've been glued to that hockey all night.
34:10Oh, making yourself at home for nights.
34:13Hey, he's come all this way to see me practice my darts.
34:18That's the thing about Mick.
34:20It takes an interest in my interests.
34:22Yeah.
34:25What happened to Greg?
34:26I liked him.
34:27Married.
34:29Oh, Terry.
34:31You watch Dynasty.
34:32You should know that they never, ever, ever leave the wife.
34:36But they give the old spiel, don't they?
34:39She doesn't understand me.
34:40It's different with you.
34:42And the next thing, it's, I've got ringworm, Terry.
34:44I can't leave the house.
34:45Most men are bastards, Alan.
34:48I mean, not you, obviously.
34:51You're a sweetheart.
34:53And your dad, you know, your dad's...
34:55Oh, right.
34:56I mean, oh, my God, he's boring.
34:58He was talking to me about the transfer window.
35:01I said, Graham, I'm going to stick my head through the window in a minute.
35:05Wait.
35:06When you get a good one, Alan,
35:08do you make sure you hold on to him?
35:09Oh, Terry.
35:17He was grabbing that woman's bum while you were in the loo.
35:22Shark wasn't her bum, Alan.
35:24She's very thin.
35:26It's probably her elbow.
35:27He doesn't care about your doubts, Terry.
35:34He's probably out of my league anyway.
35:36I mean, look at him.
35:38He's using a coaster as a toothpick.
35:42Terry, no, look at me, look at me.
35:45You are a strong, independent, beautiful woman.
35:49Stop it!
35:51I mean, Mum would kill for that kind of volume in her fringe.
35:54And I know she thinks you're a nightmare, but...
35:57What?
35:57...that's just because of your pizzazz.
35:59That's why you live in London.
36:01Well, greater London.
36:04We're not going, are we?
36:06To the West End.
36:08It's a bus and free tubes, Alan.
36:10It's fine.
36:11I'm going to live in London when I'm older.
36:13Be out on the town every night.
36:15Better believe it, kid.
36:17You'll be licking champagne off a chandelier with a cast of hollyhoaks before you know it.
36:20Anyway, I can't leave now, can I?
36:24I've got 86 and three throws to go.
36:27I'm sorry, darling.
36:28You have had fun, haven't you?
36:32Yay!
36:36Something stronger?
36:38Trying to get me drunk?
36:39Come on.
36:41Out with it.
36:42Who are you after?
36:44You don't go throwing chicken chow mein at a man for nothing.
36:47Is it Alfie?
36:49Who wants him?
36:51Stoke?
36:52Barnsley?
36:53Stoke City.
36:54Ah.
36:55But they don't want Alfie.
36:57They want you.
37:00What?
37:00It's a big offer, Graham.
37:01They're not mucking about.
37:03Been eyeing you up for a while.
37:05They're going in for the kiss.
37:06They want to talk.
37:07I can make it happen for you.
37:09Just a phone call.
37:10It would be my pleasure.
37:12I think you'd be mad not to jump at it.
37:15Cobblers were small fry.
37:17But this?
37:18This could change everything for you, Graham.
37:20And the family.
37:21And I'll only take 20%.
37:23You sure I can't tempt you?
37:26Eh?
37:28Yeah.
37:30Oi!
37:31Two sarkies!
37:34The needle.
37:35The sweating.
37:36The urge to get it in the right spot.
37:39It was like that time I OD'd on a Zen pig.
37:44You're lonely over there.
37:46Busy, Mick.
37:47We were going to have a good time.
37:49You're having a very good time by the looks of it.
37:52Oh, come here.
37:53She said she's busy.
37:55Ooh!
37:56Kenneth Williams to the rescue.
37:57Oh, leave it out, Mick.
37:59Yeah, she's right.
38:01You don't want to be causing no...
38:02...barnie rubble.
38:05It's time we called you...
38:07...a sherbet dab.
38:09I think.
38:10Is it now?
38:12Er, can you give me space?
38:14I'm trying to hit a triple top.
38:16Enough, Mick.
38:17Don't you turn your back on me, you little poof.
38:19Ow!
38:23You did that deliberately!
38:24No, I didn't.
38:25It was an accident.
38:27Sling your rope, Wes.
38:29Wes.
38:30Chuck him out.
38:31He stabbed me!
38:32Come on!
38:33He threatened my nephew.
38:35What's he even doing in here, eh?
38:37He's only 12.
38:38Thirteen and a half, actually.
38:41I am buzzing!
38:44Oh, my God, Alan!
38:46Get him right in the BCG!
38:51Oh, it's Mrs. Carr.
38:52Terry has left a message for you.
38:54Oh, God.
38:55She said, could you please come back?
38:57Jesus, it's only half past nine.
38:59Er, they're at the king's arms.
39:01I'm gonna kill her.
39:03I've tried before, but I'm gonna do it this time.
39:04Graham, we need to leave.
39:05Surely not.
39:06Drink round hours first, I insist.
39:08You can follow the Jag.
39:09Look, we get it.
39:10You drive the flash car and you eat fish with the eyes in.
39:13Well done, you.
39:14Bye, love.
39:15Graham!
39:20I can't leave.
39:22I mean, I'm leaving the restaurant, but, er...
39:25I can't leave the club.
39:28I appreciate the offer, but, um,
39:30the money would be nice, but, um...
39:34I won't let my players down.
39:36Or the club.
39:38Or Ron.
39:41We've been through a lot to get where we are, but, um...
39:44Yeah, there's more left to do.
39:46Nice to meet you.
39:47Look, if you change your mind,
39:49you know where to find me, all right?
39:51I won't.
39:53Come on, kids.
39:56Come on, kids.
39:57Terry, why are they in a pub?
39:59I love sport.
40:00See?
40:01He loves sport.
40:02It's not sport, it's a hobby.
40:03What was that?
40:04Eh?
40:05Nothing.
40:06To think of all those times in PE when I had to run around a field in sub-zero temperatures, and I could have been in dolls in the world.
40:21Okay, so I hadn't seen a beefeater or a single pearly queen, but I had seen life.
40:27And let's be honest, I could have stayed in Northampton to spend the night in a manky pub watching drunks play darts.
40:33But being down here with my favourite aunt made me feel hopeful somehow.
40:39Well, what was the problem, then?
40:41Nothing.
40:42I just thought you might want to see him.
40:44He is fantastic, Graham.
40:46I hope you know how fantastic he is.
40:49And I thought, now that you're a football wife and all that, Chris, that you could do with the excuse of getting away from that boring chitchat.
40:57Transfer window.
40:58I need to throw myself out the bloody window.
41:00I said that!
41:01Oh, what are big sisters for, eh?
41:06Oh.
41:08Where's Gary?
41:09Gary?
41:11Oh, there's two of them, aren't there?
41:14Oh.
41:20I reckon if I knuckle down, I could play professionally.
41:24For you.
41:25From the gentleman.
41:27What?
41:28The little one.
41:29The little bit of privacy.
41:32Thank you, my darling.
41:35Well, at least they've had a good night.
41:38It was nice to get out of Northampton, wasn't it?
41:40You know?
41:41Change of scenery.
41:42No, I'm sorry.
41:43London is overrated.
41:44Oh, I know.
41:46I had to stop a man.
41:47What?
41:48What?
41:49Oh, the imagination on him.
41:50I think he's overtired.
41:52Oh, me and all.
41:53Right.
41:54Take us back home.
41:55Back to Northampton.
41:57To Northampton.
42:00To Northampton.
42:02Do not move.
42:03Hello, everybody.
42:04Can you stay melting?
42:05No, it's not a first time.
42:07Did you struggle right?
42:08Well, you're about to get these pratics.
42:10Where could you go right?
42:12These things happen.
42:14You read the outfit?
42:17And you read the tune?
42:18It started because I had an incorrect eye.
42:21Do not go right.
42:22The happy drawings do I need you?
42:23Do not listen though?
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