- 4 hours ago
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00:00Okay, I'll admit it, I had raised a few eyebrows as a child.
00:04My quirks hadn't exactly gone under the radar.
00:07See you later, ladies.
00:08I was basically a box of broken biscuits,
00:11but I enjoyed being on the wonky side.
00:14Until...
00:151989.
00:19I'd grown a foot, dropped two octaves,
00:21and unbeknownst to me, was heading into a new era.
00:25A saucy one.
00:27So this was it.
00:28It was happening to little old me, of all people.
00:32Lust.
00:33Desire.
00:34Passion.
00:36Boobies.
00:38My libido had gone full throttle,
00:41so I loved popping into Athena.
00:43It was like woolies for perverts.
00:48All right, I thought women were a bit like olives.
00:52They'd turn your stomach up first,
00:53but if you persevere, you'd learn to love them.
00:58Oh, who was I kidding?
01:02I was there for Jake.
01:04Who needs a tennis player itching her bum
01:07when the cutest boy in school is tugging at your heartstrings?
01:10You there in the midnight hour
01:13I can feel your power
01:15Just now...
01:16Oh, hello.
01:17You here again?
01:18It's a Saturday job.
01:20I've got to be here every Saturday.
01:23Er, I was just wondering,
01:25have you got that poster with that lady on the motorbike?
01:27Not yet.
01:28Cracking photo, though.
01:29Suzuki Katana.
01:31Well, I don't know her name, but lovely bike.
01:33Do you roll them, or do they come ready-rolled in the plastic sheave?
01:38Ready-rolled.
01:40Hmm.
01:44Me and Mum love Cindy Law, OK?
01:47It's £3.80.
01:48Hmm?
01:49£3.80.
01:51Oh.
01:55Keep the change.
01:57Oh, yeah, absolutely.
02:02Love a life about me.
02:03You do not want to be lost at sea without one of those boys.
02:06No, sorry.
02:07You're funny.
02:09Oh.
02:11See you Monday, then.
02:16Oh, God, I nearly ran off with this key ring.
02:19Keep it.
02:20What?
02:21They won't even notice.
02:22If you want it, keep it.
02:27Oh, I'll go.
02:32Bye.
02:35Don't just gonna kill me.
02:57My dad was riding high, and also looking for a man.
03:02Not like that.
03:03A midfielder.
03:04Graham!
03:05Hey, shush, shush, shush.
03:06He's on telly.
03:07Yep.
03:08Manager of the month, again.
03:10You're gonna have a drink problem at this rate.
03:11Yeah, yeah.
03:12Chuffed to bits.
03:14We're obviously doing something right.
03:16Any transfers on the horizon?
03:18Anyone caught your eye?
03:20They have.
03:20I'm just waiting for this one to open his checkbook.
03:24Oh, yeah.
03:25It's open.
03:26It's...
03:27My pen is poised.
03:29It better be, because I need a midfielder shop-ish.
03:31Don't put that on the TV.
03:33No, no.
03:34Yeah.
03:35I mean, do we do that photo?
03:36Come on.
03:38Come here.
03:39Right.
03:39Right, guys.
03:40Come on, lads.
03:41Come on!
03:41Come here, it's bloody whiskey, not champagne, you idiot.
03:49Don't, lads.
03:49Oh, lads.
03:51Bam, bam, mon, ça se passe.
03:52J'ai sur mon lit à bouffée, ça l'endant du vent.
03:55Mon whisky quand à moi, un peu dormi,
03:57baby, et bruit, mais j'ai du dormi dans la bouche,
03:59et bouche et eu un flash.
04:01Woo!
04:04Ha!
04:04Ha!
04:05Ha!
04:07Ha!
04:07Ha!
04:07Ha!
04:07Ha!
04:08Ha!
04:08Ha!
04:08Ha!
04:08Ha!
04:08Ha!
04:08Ha!
04:09Ha!
04:09Ha!
04:09Ha!
04:09Ha!
04:10Ha!
04:10Ha!
04:11Ha!
04:11Ha!
04:12Ha!
04:14Ha!
04:15Ha!
04:16Ha!
04:16Ha!
04:16Ha!
04:17Ha!
04:25Ha!
04:25Ha!
04:26Ha!
04:27Ha ha.
04:28Mr. Corpe!
04:29Mrs. Stephen's waving at ya.
04:30Hello!
04:30No, she's not.
04:31Off you go...
04:33Mr. Cor!
04:34Put your foot down.
04:35Drop, drop, drop, drop.
04:36Hey...
04:37Oh, glad I caught you.
04:39Miss Pearson...
04:40Dad loved sporty women.
04:42He only ever looked at a cleavage to see if there was a stopwatch there.
04:45Is everything all right?
04:46I don't know. Is it?
04:49Oh, no, this is Graham's. He won it.
04:53It's Manager of the Month award.
04:58All right, congratulations. They're not wrong.
05:01Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.
05:05Are you all right, Alan?
05:06He had a great time by all accounts.
05:09Oh, Biddy.
05:10Well, I don't know where, because he never turned up for a swimming lesson.
05:13You what?
05:14Well, Alan's...
05:14If it happens again, I'll have to give his place away.
05:17It won't. I'll throw him in myself.
05:19I am so sorry, Miss Pearson.
05:24Good stride.
05:26Where the bloody hell were you?
05:28I had a dicky tan.
05:31It's not funny, Gavin.
05:33You smell lemonade?
05:33We all know I'm no fan of P.E.
05:40Cry it out, Lyle. Get on with it.
05:42But when Jake was doing the picking, everything seemed bearable.
05:46Even team sports.
05:48All right.
05:49Alan.
05:50Me!
05:51He picked me!
05:52I would have picked Simon meself.
05:56I won't let you down.
05:57Go get it.
06:03Let's do it, eh?
06:06All right, Scrummage!
06:08Come on!
06:09You go there.
06:10I'll go here to get you.
06:10Here we go.
06:11So, how was the rest of your weekend?
06:16We saw each other Saturday.
06:18What?
06:19He just came to the shop?
06:20What?
06:21Oh, it's a modern art.
06:22Oh, and a cavern.
06:23Well, I didn't have to buy the cavern, because Jake gave it to me.
06:27Gratis.
06:28Are you giving him free stuff?
06:29Yeah.
06:30Yes, you did.
06:32You're buying him presents, Jake.
06:33It's not a big deal.
06:34I just said, you know, like, the boss never cares.
06:37Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
06:39Oh, shut up.
06:39He probably fancies you.
06:41No, I don't.
06:42Who's looking at tits?
06:43You know the posters.
06:45No, I'm not a caveman.
06:48I don't just look at the tits, I look at the whole lady.
06:51Sure, sure.
06:52Who do you fancy, then?
06:54Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:55Who's the unlucky lady?
06:59Why is this taking so long?
07:00Yeah, come on, Alan.
07:01Georgie.
07:02Oh, Georgie.
07:04Well, what do you like about her?
07:05Her name, because it sounded like her boys.
07:08Well, she's formidable.
07:11Well, you, buddy, should ask her out.
07:13Yeah, ask her out.
07:15Why not?
07:17I'm coming for you.
07:19Oh, slap it, old Georgie.
07:23What are you doing?
07:24Comparing persons?
07:25Come on, crack on, lads.
07:27Come on.
07:28So when you're asking her out, Alan?
07:29Oh, yeah, underlay.
07:31Cat, what are you staring at?
07:33Come on, Alan.
07:33Saturday meant another swimming lesson, and after a finagate, my mum was watching me like
07:46a hawk.
07:47Right, I want to see you back here in an hour.
07:49Right, go on.
07:50I want to see you going.
07:51Come on.
07:54Go on.
07:55Have fun.
07:56Don't trust him.
08:05Where's your trunks?
08:07I didn't bring them.
08:08I'm coming for you.
08:09You can come for me.
08:16You're wearing that?
08:17Look at how real cowlick if I don't want.
08:19Right, knock me out when you're done.
08:21I'm starving.
08:22I don't know what was more humiliating, being forced to do a swimming lesson because your
08:31dad fancied the teacher, or that your classmates were six.
08:41Hang in, bro.
08:42Hand me.
08:44What?
08:45Everybody in?
08:46I mean, I mean, I'll smash a bottle of shampers on me.
09:00Good start, Alan, but you're flapping needlessly.
09:02Your feet can't touch the bottom.
09:04Stop splashing.
09:05You're scaring the others.
09:07Just swim.
09:07It's not that hard.
09:08The only thing tighter than my swim cap was Ron's wallet.
09:13The cobblers needed a midfielder fast, and he was treading water.
09:18Yes.
09:20Yeah.
09:22Well, let me have a few chats this evening, OK?
09:25Hang on, Martin.
09:27Paperwork for Bodley.
09:29Sale done.
09:29That's 19k in our pocket.
09:31Up the offer for Thomas.
09:32Well, we can't offer the full 19.
09:34I mean, I've got to hold the bit back, Graham.
09:37I've got gaps to plug.
09:39Gaps to plug?
09:40I've got a gaping hole in midfield.
09:41Yeah, but 19k, we can't.
09:43Oh, trust me, Ron, he's worth every penny of it.
09:47Oh, we need this.
09:49I heard he's got dodgy knees.
09:51Big time.
09:52Hear him click for the stands.
09:54Look.
09:55Sorry, Martin.
09:57Yeah.
09:58Yeah, we'd like to offer...
10:0019k.
10:09Black coffee, please.
10:12Sorry, I'm Graham Carr's wife.
10:15Oh, yeah.
10:16Yes, I am.
10:17I've seen you in the papers.
10:19It's amazing.
10:20He's amazing.
10:22Yeah, thank you.
10:23I've had a good run of it, aren't we?
10:26He's at the ground now.
10:28Big day.
10:30Buying, selling, transferring this, transferring that, buying bits and bobs.
10:37Yeah, big.
10:39Big.
10:39There's a lot of buying and selling going on.
10:42I couldn't get your autograph, could I?
10:45Oh, God, no.
10:49Really?
10:50Oh, you don't want mine?
10:51Who should I make it out to?
10:54Wendy.
10:57She just did her usual signature, but from that point on, she took to making the A of car
11:03into a little football.
11:05That's a little football.
11:08Thank you, Wendy.
11:09One pound thirty, please.
11:16Little biscuit.
11:22I'm sorry, what was your name?
11:24Becky.
11:25Thank you, Becky.
11:26Frothy coffee, please.
11:48Oh, they should have called by now.
11:49Oh, it's a yes, surely.
11:51Nineteen key.
11:52Fancy a tea?
11:53Oh, fancy a tea.
11:55Joy!
12:00Yeah, nice copper.
12:03Joy!
12:03Hello, stranger.
12:19God almighty, Ange.
12:21Let's get you a napkin.
12:22Sorry, she's had a little spillage.
12:24Oh, shades are too big to your face.
12:26Another one?
12:27No, I'll go.
12:29They, um, sort of know me, eh?
12:33Oh, regular haunt, is it?
12:35No, they recognise me.
12:37Because of Graham, all the press nonsense.
12:40I'm still getting used to it.
12:42All right.
12:43I'm not going to believe this.
12:46Woman just asked me for me all to go.
12:50I don't believe it, no.
12:52I'll go.
12:53She gave me a free biscuit when she clocked who I was.
12:56Oh, Christina, bless you.
12:57Look, they give everyone a little biscuit.
12:59Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
13:00Nobody pays for the little biscuit.
13:02Yeah, but she did a sort of cheeky smile when she put it on.
13:06People tend to do a cheeky smile when there's a biscuit around, Christine.
13:08No.
13:09It was definite.
13:10Let's see, shall we?
13:17Martin?
13:19Knocked 9k off that.
13:20We've crunched the numbers again.
13:2210k is top whack.
13:24I know, I know, but think about it.
13:27No.
13:29Martin.
13:31Wash your mouth out.
13:36I need you to form that phone from this phone.
13:43What phone?
13:44That phone.
13:45Boardroom phone.
13:46Can't I just call it from my office phone?
13:50Then it would be an internal ring.
13:52Brrrr.
13:53We need it to be an external ring.
13:56Brrrr.
13:56Brrrr.
13:58Right.
13:59Right.
13:59But it is internal, because it's me.
14:03But it's not you, is it?
14:07Just phone that bloody phone from this bloody phone, please, Joy.
14:11And what do I say?
14:13Nothing!
14:13He's on his way.
14:21Doggy paddle's not the most efficient stroke, Alan.
14:23If it's good enough for a labrador.
14:26Nice.
14:27Oh, no.
14:31Oi, Alan.
14:33Where's your arm burns?
14:36Nice swimming cap.
14:37Why are you in the pissy pool with the toddlers?
14:38Excuse me.
14:41This is a private lesson.
14:42A private lesson that I'm helping Miss Pearson with.
14:45As a teaching assistant.
14:47Yeah, that's it.
14:48Alan.
14:50What did I say, kids, about kicking those legs?
14:54No, Joanne.
14:55Push through the water.
14:57No, for the love of God.
14:58Not good enough.
14:59Alan.
15:00Really cute, innit?
15:01The Little Mermaid's trying to get a five-metre badge.
15:03Nice one.
15:05Alan, get back here.
15:07Yeah, I'm just going on the break.
15:09Mrs Pearson, can you help me?
15:11Oh, come on.
15:12Joanne.
15:12Hey.
15:13Oh, my God.
15:14What are you doing here?
15:15It's a Saturday.
15:16Oh, er, I got the sack.
15:18Parkway!
15:19Couldn't be giving stuff away.
15:20Oh, the key ring.
15:21It was so mad.
15:22No, it's not.
15:23It wasn't that.
15:25My mum paid with a tenner and I gave a 20 change.
15:28Oh.
15:29She ain't gravel, you devil.
15:33See you in there.
15:33She's perving on Jane.
15:52Right, no.
15:53Because your girlfriend's here.
15:55Huh?
15:56Georgie.
15:57How is she?
15:58You can ask her out.
16:01But I've got to go back.
16:03Ask her out.
16:07Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
16:09Isn't that right, Alan?
16:11Guilty as charged.
16:14And Maz, everyone thinks you're hot too.
16:16Yeah, I know.
16:17God, yeah.
16:18It's like being in a soup with two sexy croutons.
16:23What's a crouton?
16:24Why, when you were feeling so self-conscious, would you pop on a pair of trunks and bob along
16:29half-naked in a giant bath, hoping that someone, anyone, would find you attractive?
16:36No heavy petting.
16:38You what?
16:38You heard.
16:39So just to clarify, the little biscuits, they're free.
16:42They're free, yep.
16:44For everyone.
16:45Yep.
16:46Not just the wives of third division football managers.
16:49What?
16:50Thought not.
16:52Thank you, sir.
16:53What's your name?
16:53Becky.
16:54Thank you, Becky.
16:56You've been very helpful.
17:07Hello.
17:08Hello.
17:09No.
17:10Hello, Martin.
17:13Have you?
17:14Oh, no.
17:17Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
17:20That's a shame.
17:22Thanks for letting us know.
17:24Yeah.
17:28They got a better offer.
17:30A 19K?
17:31Mm.
17:33You're joking.
17:34I wish I was.
17:35I really wish I was.
17:37Greedy buggers.
17:38I don't believe that.
17:48Thanks for that.
17:49Must have just left it.
17:51Yeah.
17:52Any chance of that tea?
17:54Yeah.
17:55Get a wiggle on, Joy.
17:56Oh, Georgie.
18:02Mona.
18:03Go, Jay.
18:08Oh, thanks, Strouch.
18:10I'd like to Strouch your back.
18:15Feet bends.
18:16Bend!
18:16Bend!
18:17Stroke your back.
18:18Stroke your arse more like.
18:19You don't have to try so hard, don't you?
18:24Yes, I do.
18:26Maybe you don't.
18:27Charming, popular, debonair.
18:29Better at this stuff.
18:31You coming to the deep end, Alan, or what?
18:34No, yeah.
18:35You'd probably just stay with the little ones.
18:37Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
18:39Shut up, Mandy.
18:39You're not allowed in the deep end.
18:41Ooh.
18:42Leave him.
18:43He's meant to be teaching.
18:45Give me him.
18:46No.
18:47No.
18:47See ya!
18:50My glasses.
18:52I can't see.
18:54My glasses were just there,
18:56like Harold Bishop's were when he drowned in neighbours.
19:04Stop all the way.
19:05Stop all the way.
19:06You'll be making way over to Squash Call 1, please.
19:08Squash Call 1, thank you.
19:13We always say we should do coffee, don't we?
19:17I think I'm going to go and watch Alan for a bit.
19:24Oh, yeah.
19:25I'll come up with Squash.
19:27Thank you, Becky.
19:28Thank you, Becky.
19:28I'll come up with Squash Call 1, thank you, Becky.
19:47He's strung my glasses in.
19:49Go get them, then.
19:50Go on, then.
19:59Why are you just standing there?
20:02I'm just working out my angle of entrance.
20:05Just jump in, man.
20:06What are you doing?
20:07He can't swim.
20:09Hold that climb.
20:10Prove it, then.
20:11Oh, don't, Leslie.
20:13Alan, get back in the baby pool.
20:16I've got to swim.
20:20I've got to swim.
20:25You're scared.
20:28Jump in, Alan.
20:29Jump in, Alan.
20:30This is trashy.
20:33Jump in.
20:34Jump in.
20:35Jump in.
20:36Jump in.
20:37Jump in.
20:39Jump in.
20:41Go round.
20:42Jump in.
20:43There's a poo in the pool.
20:45There's a poo in the pool.
20:51Evacuate the pool, everyone else.
20:56Please evacuate the pool.
20:59Please make your way back to the changing rooms.
21:03Shame about your glasses, mate.
21:08Oh, my God.
21:10Help him.
21:11Someone help him.
21:12I couldn't help thinking these swimming lessons had been a waste of money.
21:22But drowning was preferable to romancing a girl.
21:29Where's Jade?
21:31Where's Alan?
21:31Where's Alan?
21:32Alan.
21:34I just died on your hones tonight.
21:39I just died on your hones tonight.
21:39What's the hell?
21:40Jane?
21:40Who says that?
21:40I just died on your hones tonight.
21:49How was it?
21:50Well, er, thanks for asking. We lost Roberts.
21:57We nearly lost Alan. What?
21:59What's wrong with your glasses?
22:02Oh, they got wesh in a suction pack.
22:04So I couldn't swim. Who cares?
22:07I'd swallowed a floating plaster. So what?
22:10I was heading home with a lung filled with chlorine
22:13and a heart full of love.
22:15Maybe I should try drowning more often.
22:20Why's your hair dry?
22:25Tiki Tom?
22:30So, I was Miss Pearson.
22:33She mentioned me.
22:50It is but...
22:57And now...
23:01We'll see you next time.
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