- 5 hours ago
Have I Got News for You - Season 70 Episode 7 -
Gabby Logan, Nish Kumar, Cathy Newman
Gabby Logan, Nish Kumar, Cathy Newman
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FunTranscript
00:00I'll be right back.
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:34I'm Gabby Logan. In the news this week,
00:37at Britain's largest container crane in Tilbury,
00:39the operator has just been told to expect a visit from Rachel Reeves.
00:47In Bristol, one man describes his experience of going dogging for the first time.
00:52It's raw, it's enjoyable, it's thrilling.
00:56And following the panorama controversy,
01:01the BBC confirm they've checked that all footage of Donald Trump
01:04used in this show has been edited fairly.
01:07My love watcher, have I got news for you.
01:11It's incredible. What a show it continues to be.
01:16On Ian's team tonight is a presenter on Channel 4 News
01:21who says she met her husband in Oxford when they shared a punt.
01:24I assume they were on the river, not in Ladbrokes,
01:26placing an accumulator on the Grand National.
01:28Please welcome Cathy Newman!
01:33On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who makes no bones
01:37about his contempt for Donald Trump.
01:39Please welcome the new editor of Panorama, Nish Kumar!
01:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:44So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:49Ian and Cathy, here's yours.
01:50Oh, that's the previous Prime Minister.
01:54That's him racking up some more air miles.
01:57Yes.
01:58Oh, and that's next week's Prime Minister.
02:00This is the Labour Party having a civil war.
02:05They've imitated most of the previous government's antics,
02:07so they thought, why not have a civil war?
02:10But also, isn't Keir Starmer with kids telling them
02:13not to listen to the voices in their head,
02:15telling them that they're no good?
02:17Yeah, but the voices in his head are coming from outside.
02:20Yeah.
02:21It is the government descending into further chaos.
02:25Yes.
02:25A recent YouGov poll does seem to indicate the public aren't happy.
02:2845% of Labour voters want Keir out before the next election.
02:3330% think the last Conservative government
02:35was more competent than this one.
02:3840% think Rishi Sunak was a better Prime Minister than Keir Starmer.
02:42Oh, that's tough.
02:44That really is.
02:46On polls and surveys,
02:47who or what do 44% of people trust
02:49more than anyone, including their family?
02:52God?
02:54Close. AI.
02:56Oh, that's just tragic.
02:58There was a whole bunch of people turned up in Buckingham Palace
03:00expecting to find a Christmas fair.
03:02Because it had been advertised via AI.
03:05Really?
03:05Yeah. It was on the news earlier.
03:07It's one of those things I watched before the show.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10AI is extraordinarily unreliable.
03:13And the head of Google said this week,
03:15don't trust AI.
03:16And you think,
03:17you put it out there.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:19Like, my job is just standing around being an idiot.
03:23And if I can't do that without computer assistance,
03:25I've got real problems, man.
03:31AI keeps describing me as a successful comedian,
03:33so you know it's a bag of shit.
03:35OK, back to Labour's week, though.
03:37Yes.
03:38And a band of 80 rebel MPs are said to be lining up
03:40any number of useless potential challenges to Keir Starmer.
03:44What's the word that Labour used to use
03:46to describe this sort of thing
03:47when it was happening to the Tories when they were in power?
03:50Psychodrama.
03:50Ian's on the money. Shall we have a look?
03:52Nobody wants this to be part of a psychodrama
03:55in the Conservative Party.
03:57The whole Brexit thing seems to me to be
03:59some sort of Tory psychodrama.
04:01We're seeing a psychodrama
04:02within the Conservative Party.
04:06The latest chapter in the Conservative Party's psychodrama.
04:09The latest instalment in a Tory psychodrama.
04:12We're all stuck in their psychodrama.
04:17Typical Keir, he gives it a different intonation.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:20I think they and the public and everybody else
04:23has just forgotten that normally you have a Prime Minister
04:25for a set number of years.
04:28Nowadays, someone's been in for about a couple of months
04:30and we think, eh, boring, let's have another Prime Minister.
04:33Who else is there?
04:33Swipe left.
04:35So...
04:36Swipe right, usually.
04:38LAUGHTER
04:38This is quite good for me,
04:40because my husband knows I don't use dating apps.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:43LAUGHTER
04:43West Streeting was elevated to the top of the pile of challengers
04:49by a cack-handed briefing operation.
04:51A group of MPs were asked in 2018,
04:54who do you think will be Prime Minister in ten years?
04:57And they all said, oh, it could be, you know, this person, this person.
04:59West Streeting said, me.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02He's always been known for his ambition, has he?
05:05Most politicians, you think, oh, God, here comes the soundbite again.
05:08But with West Streeting, he actually looks like he's answering it
05:11quite naturally, so he has got that skill.
05:13You know, you were talking about Keir Starmer the other day.
05:15Um, well, not the other day, I mean just now.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18It's been a very long recording.
05:23The BBC has edited those two bits together.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28LAUGHTER
05:29When you were talking about Keir Starmer sort of delivering
05:33this very sort of deadpan, you know, Wes can deliver his lines.
05:37Like, he's just thought of it.
05:38Yeah.
05:39Isn't the problem for Starmer that he's set himself up as somebody
05:42who gets stuff done and he kept saying, our mission is delivery,
05:45delivery, delivery, delivery, and now they've got into government,
05:48they're not delivering anything.
05:50It's like you've ordered a package from Yodel and three days later
05:53you've got a photo sent through that says, we've delivered your package
05:56and it turns out they've kicked it into a bin and it's not even your bin.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:00Well, West Streeting is very good at delivering a message, robotically.
06:05Let's have a look.
06:06West Streeting, are you a faithful or are you a traitor?
06:10I'm a faithful.
06:11In fact, what you've seen from a silly number 10 source overnight
06:15is probably the worst attack on a faithful since Joe Marler
06:18was banished in the Traitors final.
06:21I think whoever's been briefing this has been watching
06:23Too Much Celebrity Traitors and this is just about the worst attack
06:26on a faithful I've seen since Joe Marler was kicked out
06:28and banished in the final.
06:30Too Much Celebrity Traitors and this is just about the most appalling
06:33attack on a faithful I've seen since Joe Marler was banished in the final.
06:36The most unwarranted attack on a faithful since Joe Marler was banished
06:40in the Traitors final.
06:42The most unjustified attack on a faithful since Joe Marler was banished
06:46in the final.
06:46the most unjustified attack on a faithful since Joe Marlowe was banished.
06:57I think if you've paid for a good joke, you've got to keep using it, right?
07:00Somebody's written that for him.
07:02That feels like a dig at me, Gabby.
07:04That is the most unjustified attack on a faithful since Joe Marlowe.
07:08Well, Ed Miliband won't be leader.
07:17He's very popular, though, isn't he?
07:19He's really cracked social media.
07:20He's done a TikTok joke for young people, but I'm going to share it with you guys.
07:28Are a new nuclear technology that can create good jobs across Britain.
07:33We're building the first fleet of SMRs in North Wales,
07:37creating 3,000 jobs, clean, home-grown power for energy security, jobs,
07:45and to tackle the climate crisis.
07:48Ed, this is an SMR video, not an ASMR video.
07:55That is that whispery thing that's all the rage on TikTok,
07:58or was, about six months ago,
07:59which is why Ed Miliband suddenly picked up on it.
08:02Paul, did that come to...
08:03Sorry, what? I was in a light coma, sorry.
08:05My eyes were open, but I wasn't listening.
08:08Did it cut across your algorithm?
08:09I had no idea what he was talking about.
08:11What does ASMR stand for?
08:13A sexy man reading.
08:17Who did we get?
08:21What about Shibana Mahmood?
08:22She has introduced her get tough on immigration policies.
08:26What are the core planks?
08:28She did a small boats policy,
08:30which some of her critics have said
08:32is basically a reprisal of the hostile environment,
08:35which means that you deport people, particularly Albanians.
08:38She's picked a fight with Eddie Rama,
08:40who's the Albanian Prime Minister,
08:42who I would say it's quite brave to pick a fight with him,
08:44because he is a giant, and she's not.
08:48So...
08:48I don't think it's decided on a straight physical fight.
08:52Do you remember when you met Georgia Maloney
08:55and he practically sort of picked her up?
08:58No.
09:00Then we've got that picture now.
09:03Ah, there you go.
09:05Oh, my God.
09:06You're right, he is quite big.
09:07Never have high-heeled shoes been more redundant.
09:11The other plank of the policy
09:12is about migration more generally,
09:14and with that, you might have to wait 20 or even 30 years
09:18to be given indefinite leave to remain.
09:21So it is an incredibly tough policy.
09:24Listen, I've got a dog in this fight.
09:26I don't want to be deported.
09:27I'm sorry to say, like, I think that this plan is, like, is insane.
09:31And I also...
09:32All we ever talk about in this country is immigration.
09:34It's all we ever talk about.
09:35And meanwhile, we've got people paying too much money
09:37in the bills, the climate crisis.
09:38I think we'd have to reframe everything
09:39through the prism of immigration.
09:41So you're like, OK, three of the big five energy companies
09:43are owned by foreign owners,
09:45so that's asylum heaters.
09:46That's what we're going to call them now.
09:48And instead of the climate crisis,
09:49we're going to call it climate immigration
09:50and say hot foreign weather is coming over here,
09:54ruining our country, some of it's Sharia weather.
09:57Like, that's the only way
09:58we're going to get anything done in this country.
10:01Is that the right answer?
10:02It's one of the on the card.
10:03One of the on the card.
10:05I think you've kind of nudged us towards
10:08these policies are clearly an attempt to head off reform.
10:11GB News presenter Martin Daubeny
10:13presented some research based on the defendants
10:16in sex offences at nine Crown Courts over a six-week period,
10:20counting the non-British-sounding surnames.
10:23And bear in mind, this is a show normally presented
10:25by Nigel Farage.
10:30When I first met him, I said,
10:32how do you pronounce your second name?
10:33And he said, what do you put your car in?
10:36And I said, well, I put my car in a garage.
10:38So I think he's Nigel Farage.
10:39Well, it could be Nigel multi-storey car park.
10:50Staying with GB News,
10:52would you like to see from earlier this week
10:54the Conservative leadership hopeful Robert Jennerick's appearance,
10:57backed by some of his most loyal supporters?
11:00Yes.
11:00Well, look, the high street is in a real mess at the moment.
11:05What we've said as Preservatives is that
11:06we want to get rid of business rates
11:08for businesses with rateable values of £100,000 or less.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13I mean, the producers at GB News must be...
11:21I mean, they're not supporters of him, are they?
11:22They're trying to...
11:23You know, they wouldn't have allowed that to happen if they...
11:25What reason did the Treasury give
11:27for Rachel Reeves' rather remarkable U-turn
11:29on raising the basic rate of income tax this week?
11:33The more money than they thought they had?
11:34Kind of, yeah.
11:35The Chancellor had received an OBR forecast
11:38for increased tax receipts,
11:39which suggests her black hole
11:41is not quite as big as she thought it was.
11:43Maybe just £20 billion, not £30 billion.
11:45Yeah, she marched all her backbenchers up the hill.
11:47You know, the grand old Duke of York.
11:49Got them all ready.
11:50Yeah, don't mention the Duke of York.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:55Yeah, this is the news that half of Labour voters
12:02want Keir Starmer gone before the next election.
12:05Some Labour insiders fear that if the government
12:07continues to tear itself apart,
12:09reform will come to power and deliver
12:11an extreme right-wing immigration policy.
12:14Well, I think that ship has sailed, docked
12:16and all the passengers stripped of their jewellery.
12:18Hang on.
12:19Didn't Gary Lineker get sacked from that kind of thing?
12:22It's also been reported that Angela Rayner
12:24came very close to appearing on this year's
12:26I'm a Celebrity.
12:27Apparently, she was very tempted by the idea
12:29she could claim the camp as her primary residence.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33Paul Inish, here's yours.
12:36Yeah.
12:37Donald T. Rump.
12:38This is the Panorama special that was anything but,
12:42leading to the Director-General,
12:44and there he is, Director-General of BBC,
12:46having to resign because of a clumsy edit.
12:48The thing is, though, they have to prove
12:50that Panorama was seen in America, which it wasn't.
12:52They have to prove that it affected his reputation.
12:55He won the election, so it didn't.
12:56He did say some pretty inflammatory things that day.
13:00Yeah, of course.
13:00Just not in the order that the BBC put it.
13:03There was a mistake in the edit,
13:05and, you know, they shouldn't have done it.
13:06A really bad mistake.
13:07Yeah, a really terrible mistake,
13:08and I was amazed anyone at the BBC did it.
13:11I'm amazed.
13:12No-one I've ever worked with would have done that.
13:13It's an absolutely basic level one screw-up,
13:16and they should have apologised immediately,
13:18which they didn't.
13:19But they have apologised now,
13:21and the only cause for them is to say,
13:23you have no reputation to defend.
13:25But then nobody complained at the time.
13:27No, well, maybe nobody in any country watched it.
13:30Yeah.
13:31The truth is, it's whether he was inciting people
13:34before the riot,
13:35or was he using the words,
13:37fight, fight, while people were fighting.
13:39Mm.
13:39Strikes me as a thin defence,
13:41but don't trust me,
13:42my expertise in libel actions is well known.
13:45He's got a season ticket,
13:48you've got a season ticket.
13:50I'm amazed I haven't been called in to give advice,
13:52but...
13:53You've got one of those coffee cards,
13:55you get your next libel action for free,
13:57don't you, Ian?
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58He said,
14:01I don't accept your apology,
14:02I want between one and five billion pounds.
14:05Well, give him two.
14:07LAUGHTER
14:07Two pounds.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:09The problem with him is that people say he's got no case to answer,
14:14he has no reputation to defend.
14:16These would normally be defences,
14:18even in America,
14:18where traditionally it's harder to win a libel action,
14:21but this is Trump.
14:22So, if he loses in a Florida court,
14:24he will appeal,
14:25and then it'll go up,
14:26and it'll go up to the Supreme Court,
14:27which he has packed with people who agree with him.
14:30So, it's perfectly possible for him to lose the case,
14:32to have no case at any point,
14:34and win.
14:36And if that doesn't work,
14:36he's taking it right to the top,
14:38Judge Judy.
14:40He doesn't want the case to happen here,
14:42because damages in British courts rarely exceed £100,000,
14:46which could be why he...
14:47They do sometimes.
14:48LAUGHTER
14:49LAUGHTER
14:50APPLAUSE
14:51Who's been accused of masterminding a coup at the BBC?
15:05You?
15:06No.
15:07Somebody on the BBC Board of Governors?
15:09Mm-hm.
15:09Robbie Gibb?
15:10Yes.
15:11Not a Bee Gees, everybody.
15:12Surprise.
15:14He was appointed by Boris Johnson,
15:16as a non-exec on the BBC Board of Governors.
15:19And The Observer claims Gibb has a long-running concern
15:22about rooting out left-leaning bias at the BBC,
15:24allegedly telling colleagues 18 months ago,
15:27if I don't get my way,
15:28I'll blow the place up.
15:29Eat.
15:30Which he has.
15:31And, of course, Boris Johnson has been very, very upset
15:34about the sort of behaviour around senior executives at the BBC.
15:40When Boris Johnson was Prime Minister,
15:41my dad described him as being Indian standard in his corruption.
15:45LAUGHTER
15:46The highest compliment you can give somebody.
15:52Listen, Tim Davey, it was obviously the DJ at the BBC,
15:55and there was a report in The Sun that he had cancelled a show
15:58that I used to host called The MASH Report on BBC Two
16:01as part of a kind of war on wokeness.
16:03And I will say, I was not happy to read that in The Sun,
16:06but the headline was Nishmash Bosh.
16:09LAUGHTER
16:09Even I don't think he should have been sacked.
16:14And I don't like him.
16:17So, Trump spent time this week with someone
16:19he feels more comfortable around.
16:22Who was that?
16:23MBS.
16:24Mohammed bin Salman.
16:25Shall we see how they handled being faced
16:27with the thorny issue of murder journalist Jamal Khashoggi?
16:30Your Royal Highness, the U.S. intelligence concluded
16:34that you orchestrated the brutal murder of a journalist.
16:369-11 families are furious that you are here in the Oval Office.
16:39Who are you with?
16:40Why should Americans trust you?
16:41Who are you with?
16:42And the same to you, Mr. President.
16:43Now, who are you with?
16:43I'm with ABC News, sir.
16:45You're with who?
16:45ABC News, sir.
16:46Fake news. ABC fake news.
16:48One of the worst...
16:48But the question is...
16:49One of the worst in the business.
16:50But I'll answer your question.
16:51You're mentioning somebody that was extremely controversial.
16:55A lot of people didn't like that gentleman
16:57that you're talking about.
16:58Whether you like him or didn't like him,
17:00things happened,
17:01but he knew nothing about it.
17:02And we can leave it at that.
17:04You don't have to embarrass our guests
17:05by asking a question like that.
17:07This is a man suing another organisation
17:10for a failure of journalism.
17:13And did you notice how MBS was sort of studying his hands?
17:15Like, you know, sort of in a sort of Macbeth-type style.
17:18At a later point in the interview,
17:21Mohammed bin Salman actually says,
17:22all right, I'll answer this question.
17:25Even he is embarrassed at Trump's attempt to whitewash him.
17:29Like, he got chopped up with a bone saw and put in a bin.
17:32I don't think you can...
17:33I don't think that's covered by the phrase,
17:35things happen.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:37Things took a turn for the weird.
17:40Let's have a look at Trump's obsession with bin Salman.
17:43Oh, yeah.
17:43Trump doesn't give a fist pump.
17:45I grabbed that hand.
17:47I don't give a hell where that hand's been.
17:49I grabbed that hand.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51LAUGHTER
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53It's the second time I've felt sorry for Mohammed bin Salman,
18:01and the other was when I found out Jimmy Carr
18:03did the Saudi Arabian Comedy Festival, of course.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06Trump spent time this week with someone he feels more,
18:10I've just done that.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:12You can't do a replay, Gabby.
18:15This isn't much of the day.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17How did Trump further demonstrate his disrespect
18:22for journalists on Air Force One this week?
18:24Yeah, he called a female journalist Piggy.
18:27Quiet Piggy.
18:28Quiet Piggy, yes, yeah.
18:29Shall we have a look?
18:31Yeah, Jennifer, go ahead, go ahead.
18:32Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, take us in.
18:36Quiet, quiet, Piggy.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38What went through his head at that point?
18:40Do you know the journalist?
18:42She's a Bloomberg journalist, Catherine Lucey.
18:45She's the one that he called Piggy.
18:47There she is.
18:48I can't see the Piggy.
18:50Ah, there he is.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52APPLAUSE
18:53What surprise turn did Trump take this week?
19:00The release in the Epstein files,
19:01after months of saying, no, no, it's all a hoax,
19:04don't release them, don't release them,
19:05he then realised there was a huge backlash
19:07within the Republican Party,
19:09that they were going to vote for it,
19:10so he said, oh, yeah, vote for it,
19:11after they all said they were going to.
19:12It's completely split MAGA, hasn't it?
19:14For the first time, there's a sort of chasm in MAGA,
19:17which is, you know, potentially has long-lasting worries for Trump.
19:21So there's two separate groups of lunatics?
19:23Yeah.
19:24There's Ma and Gar.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27Well, the Democrats have already released over 20,000 pages
19:38of new documents related to Epstein.
19:40What particularly caught people's eye this week?
19:43It wasn't the Clinton thing.
19:44It was that.
19:46We're going to talk about that!
19:47Well...
19:48There is a theory going around on the internet
19:51that there is a bit in the Epstein files
19:53where there is a reference
19:54to Donald Trump performing oral sex
19:58on a person referred to as Bubba.
20:00Now, Bubba is a quite common nickname
20:03for Bill Clinton.
20:06And all I will say on this issue is,
20:08if there's one thing we know Bill Clinton likes...
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11APPLAUSE
20:12Surely this was a joke.
20:17I mean, cos these are...
20:18Yeah, this was from Epstein's brother to Epstein.
20:20It was a joke between brothers.
20:22Yeah.
20:22The email from Epstein's brother
20:25suggests that Geoffrey should find out
20:28if Putin has the photos of Trump blowing Bubba.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:32West Ham fans are forever blowing Bubba.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:36APPLAUSE
20:37Is that a football reference?
20:43West Ham, yeah.
20:44West Ham.
20:45West Ham.
20:46Is that what they sing?
20:47I'm forever blowing Bubbles.
20:48Bubbles, yeah.
20:49Which was Michael Jackson's chimpanzee.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:51Can I just say, Bill Clinton...
20:55Someone once dared me to get a box of peppermints
20:57signed by him.
20:58So I went up to him, he was surrounded by men,
21:00and he kind of hauled me in,
21:02because I was the only woman there,
21:03and signed the peppermints.
21:04Why peppermints?
21:05Well, I don't know.
21:06Suck it and see?
21:07I don't know.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:09OK.
21:10APPLAUSE
21:11I wasn't expecting that.
21:13LAUGHTER
21:14Was it the mince with the hole in the middle?
21:17LAUGHTER
21:19This is the dispute between Trump and the BBC,
21:22with Trump still demanding up to $5 billion in damages.
21:26Since the row over the Trump edit,
21:27Rachel Reeves has now complained to the BBC
21:29that on numerous occasions they have broadcast her speeches
21:32unedited and in full.
21:35LAUGHTER
21:35The BBC has promised never to broadcast the edition of Panorama
21:39on any platform ever again,
21:41and the master tape has been placed in what is now known
21:44as the top of the pops cupboard.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:47Geoffrey Epstein's emails seem to implicate Trump,
21:50with one saying,
21:51Of course he knew about the girls.
21:53In fairness to Trump,
21:54a lot of what Epstein wrote wasn't true,
21:56like his suicide note.
21:57So...
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59At the end of that round,
22:02it's two points to Ian and Kathy
22:04and two points to Paul and Nish.
22:06Mm.
22:07And so to round two,
22:12the jigsaw of views.
22:13Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:20It's about TikTok.
22:21Yes.
22:22I knew you'd be the TikTok man.
22:24Yeah.
22:24Two things I know about sport TikTok.
22:27LAUGHTER
22:27If someone did something
22:29about football on some device,
22:34it's Sky, isn't it?
22:35They produced an outlet for women
22:36to be interested in athletics and sport.
22:38Either it was a product of men or it was AI,
22:40because it was so bad.
22:42This is the news that Sky Sports have scrapped
22:44their female-focused TikTok channel
22:46after just three days.
22:48Wow.
22:49Yeah, it was called Halo.
22:50And what was wrong with the TikTok channel?
22:52Well, it was pink and it was sort of like,
22:54it was very sort of, you know,
22:56it was quite insulting and patronising.
22:58Yeah, wearing pink.
22:59I know, Julie, my suit's...
23:00LAUGHTER
23:02It was intended to be the little sis
23:05of Sky Sports,
23:06but immediately faced criticism from users
23:08for being unbelievably sexist.
23:10One video about Manchester City's men's striker,
23:13Erling Haaland, scoring a goal,
23:14had this caption.
23:15How the Matcha plus Hot Girl
23:18wore combo hits.
23:20See, that's got to be artificial intelligence,
23:22because it makes no fucking sense at all.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:24LAUGHTER
23:25In other sports news,
23:30what have the Scotland men's football team
23:32done this week?
23:33They qualified for the World Cup.
23:34For the first time in 28 years.
23:35Yeah.
23:36Yeah.
23:36CHEERING
23:37What about that last goal, eh, Ian?
23:42Yeah, eh?
23:43Eh?
23:44LAUGHTER
23:45Describe the even-trick-up passing move
23:47that led to the last goal.
23:48There was a Matcha and a Hot Girl.
23:50LAUGHTER
23:51APPLAUSE
23:53I desperately want this to be a job swap for this week,
24:01and for you to host this,
24:02and for you to host Match of the Day.
24:03At one point, over the course of that conversation,
24:06you just said,
24:07someone did something about football.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10I think that would be incredible energy
24:12to bring to the Saturday Night Highlights package.
24:15LAUGHTER
24:16We've got another match, Ian.
24:19Another one!
24:20Another one!
24:22You can't go yet, there are eight more.
24:26Are Royal Engineers playing?
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29Well, BBC Scotland commentator Alistair Le Mans
24:32got very excited.
24:34Let's have a listen.
24:35Surely now Scotland will hold on to possession.
24:38It's McLean.
24:39He's looking to go for goal!
24:40From the halfway line,
24:42it's Chipsman!
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45LAUGHTER
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47So, basically, what happened was,
24:51in the last minute,
24:52one Scottish player got the ball in his own half,
24:54looked up, saw the goalkeeper was way out,
24:55and from the halfway line,
24:56kicked it right over the goalkeeper's head into the goal.
24:59But the Scottish commentators on the TV coverage
25:01all sort of thoughts of, sort of, neutrality went out the window.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:05Because as he got the ball,
25:06one of them was going,
25:07shoot!
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08LAUGHTER
25:08LAUGHTER
25:09Shoot!
25:09LAUGHTER
25:10LAUGHTER
25:10LAUGHTER
25:11Anybody here remember what happened
25:12at the last Rugby World Cup in France a few years ago?
25:16Let's have a little look.
25:17What do you want to say to World Rugby?
25:18I've been on the Lash for five weeks, like, you know?
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23I scared to be a wee golf tournament
25:25doing the Villamoura,
25:26and that was magic, right?
25:28And then I jumped over to Marseille,
25:30and I couldn't believe it when I got there,
25:31because they were falling as full of the old belly,
25:33you know what I mean?
25:34LAUGHTER
25:34We just went on the Lash for four weeks,
25:37went up through the Chablis,
25:38doing the wine cellars,
25:39a brilliant time,
25:41a brilliant time!
25:42So what you're saying is you're not too bothered,
25:44like, it's got in as bad as...
25:45Oh, I'm getting pissed!
25:47I'm getting bloated!
25:49I'm getting bloated, baby!
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51APPLAUSE
25:52That's wild.
25:55Yep.
25:56This is the disastrous Sky Sports TikTok channel
25:59for women called Halo,
26:00or more accurately, goodbye.
26:02The man behind the channel has issued a sincere apology
26:05to all female sports fans,
26:07telling them,
26:07don't worry your pretty little heads about this.
26:09You can understand the thinking behind the channel,
26:13as there's a huge gulf between men's and women's sports,
26:16not least in football,
26:17where we're still way off the England men's team
26:19winning two consecutive Euro finals.
26:22Yes, thank you.
26:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:25Fingers on buzzers, teams.
26:32Oh.
26:34COVID inquiry,
26:35reporting on Thursday.
26:37Who would have thought that a man who can't control his own hair
26:41ran a chaotic government
26:43during a time of national emergency?
26:46He missed all those Cobra meetings
26:47because he said he was finishing his Shakespeare book
26:49and you think,
26:50that'd better be one really good book!
26:53They were also pretty savage about Dominic Cummings as well.
26:56They said he had a destabilising influence,
26:58he was spread poison throughout Number 10.
27:00I'm glad we had an inquiry,
27:01because I just wouldn't have known.
27:06I mean, Dominic Cummings!
27:08I thought he was just a guy
27:10who had an unfortunate eyesight problem.
27:13There were a few destabilising influences
27:15in Number 10, though.
27:17Looks like some of those people are really drunk.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:20Inquiry chair Baroness Hallett
27:23said the UK's response was,
27:25too little, too late,
27:27and she said that had the government
27:29introduced measures earlier than mid-March,
27:31the mandatory lockdown might not have been necessary at all.
27:34But the Permanent Secretary of the Health Department at the time,
27:36Chris Wormel,
27:36who is now Cabinet Secretary,
27:38has also been heavily criticised.
27:39Are you saying the same person
27:41who was there when it was chaotic and hopeful
27:43is there now,
27:45in this current period of stability?
27:47LAUGHTER
27:48This inquiry's fantastic!
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52Well, it's not the worst thing said
27:54about a member of Boris's government.
27:57What criticism did Matt Hancock once get on Radio 2?
28:00Is this from his wife?
28:01LAUGHTER
28:02It's a clip which has resurfaced this week
28:07from 2022 when a caller dedicated a song
28:11to Hancock on Radio 2.
28:13Let's have a listen.
28:14What track are we playing and why, please?
28:17We're playing Don't Stop Me Now by Queen
28:19because Matt Hancock's a c***.
28:22OK, so you've got to put him off there.
28:24This is live radio.
28:25This kind of thing happened.
28:27I can only apologise.
28:28APPLAUSE
28:29Wow.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:31LAUGHTER
28:31And you're saying that was his wife?
28:35LAUGHTER
28:36On the subject of something people couldn't do during COVID,
28:40what did scientists discover this week?
28:43Kissing.
28:44True.
28:44Yeah.
28:45This is true.
28:45What did they actually...
28:46It goes back a long way to at least 1948.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:49There's no sort of biological or evolutionary reason for kissing
28:54that they can work out, but it's been going on animals' kiss,
28:57human beings' kiss, as we know,
28:58and it goes back to the very beginnings of civilisation.
29:01Animals' kiss?
29:02Monkeys.
29:03OK.
29:04But not fish or, you know...
29:05Monkeys don't kiss fish, no.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:08I just want to put it more evidence for animals.
29:11I mean, they'll look.
29:13They'll look and they'll think about it,
29:15but, in the end, it's probably not worth it, you know,
29:17they're in water, they're slippery.
29:19You've got any other animals kissing stories?
29:21There's this parrot walks into a brothel.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25You're on the right story.
29:29What, the parrot walks into a brothel?
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32New research suggests that Neanderthals kissed each other.
29:35Of course they did.
29:36How do you think Noel and Liam made up?
29:38LAUGHTER
29:39Neanderthals are now thought to have regularly kissed,
29:42but only after they've been on a date.
29:44Maybe they went clubbing.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:47APPLAUSE
29:48Time now for the missing words round,
29:53and we're going to start with...
29:54If you want what, it'll take 103 years.
29:57Tax cuts.
29:59Is it a dental appointment?
30:02If you want your pothole filled in Oxfordshire...
30:06Oh, yes.
30:06..it'll take 103 years.
30:08According to The Sun, resident Diane Hart, 76, said...
30:12We won't have a road in 103 years.
30:15No offence, Diane, but I'm not sure that's anything you need to worry about.
30:18LAUGHTER
30:19Next.
30:20Carmaker claims its new what could be the future of motoring.
30:24Is it bicycle?
30:26LAUGHTER
30:27It's got to be driveless car.
30:28Driving robot, robot driver.
30:30Carmaker claims its new square steering wheel
30:33could be the future of motoring.
30:35This is Peugeot's futuristic new square steering wheel.
30:39Here it is.
30:39And if you don't like it as a steering wheel,
30:42you could do Yorkshire's in that.
30:43LAUGHTER
30:44Next up.
30:46A woman who threw message in a bottle into sea
30:49to find romantic connection, what?
30:51Marries Welk.
30:51LAUGHTER
30:52LAUGHTER
30:53LAUGHTER
30:54A woman who threw message in a bottle into sea
30:55to find romantic connection gets reply saying,
31:06please stop throwing rubbish in the sea.
31:08LAUGHTER
31:09And here is Lorraine Forbes with her bottle.
31:16Well, Lorraine has sent many messages looking for love in plastic bottles,
31:21one of which literally took its recipient's breath away
31:24when it got wedged in a dolphin's blowhole.
31:26LAUGHTER
31:27Finally, what only had one what?
31:31Hitler.
31:32It's true.
31:32And Himmler had something similar as the song used to go.
31:41Hitler only had one ball, say scientists.
31:43It's true, the song was true.
31:44Absolutely bang on.
31:45Yeah, it's true.
31:46Bang on.
31:46What?
31:47Yep.
31:48They studied his DNA, didn't they?
31:51Yep.
31:52Wait, is the other in the Albert Hall?
31:54LAUGHTER
31:56Many world leaders have had their genitalia subject to public scrutiny.
31:59Hitler is said to have suffered from an undescended testicle,
32:02whereas Donald Trump has two fully descended testicles,
32:05Eric and Donald Junior.
32:06LAUGHTER
32:09So, the final scores are...
32:11Ian and Cathy have three points.
32:14Paul and Nish have six points!
32:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:20Now, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
32:23It's her own fault, I told Deidre to wear her thermals.
32:26LAUGHTER
32:30He's giving me the cold shoulder.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:33I don't know what he's smiling about, his carrot fell off ten minutes ago.
32:36LAUGHTER
32:39On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
32:42and Cathy Newman, Paul Merton and Nish Kumar,
32:45and I leave you with the news that on a visit to his GP,
32:48one man digests the news that you can't get charisma on the NHS.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:55At a high-powered electrical substation in London,
32:58one woman approaches an engineer to ask if there are any free sockets
33:01to put her fingers in.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:05And in Soho, Gordon Ramsay denies mistreating his cat
33:09after it devours a £3,000 truffle.
33:13LAUGHTER
33:15Good night.
33:17APPLAUSE
33:18It's the news we've all been waiting for.
33:31Line of Duty will be back, revisit all the AC-12 antics on iPlayer.
33:36As a much-loved comedy returns next on BBC One,
33:39a new baby in tow, Amy-Lou Wood, has even more daddy issues.
33:43APPLAUSE
33:45MUSIC
33:50MUSIC
33:52MUSIC
33:54MUSIC
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