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Have I Got News for You - Season 70 Episode 6 -
Katherine Ryan, Zack Polanski, Maisie Adam
Katherine Ryan, Zack Polanski, Maisie Adam
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Vui nhộnPhụ đề
00:00I hope that tonight won't be a particularly long recording because I've got to get back to Wandsworth
00:07Before lights out
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Katherine Ryan. In the news this week, as the party leaders rush to respond to Rachel Reeves' pre-budget speech, Ed Davey provides a typically nuanced response.
01:00Following a raft of complaints, Deliveroo launches a new service to ensure its food stays hot.
01:14And one audiobook artist puts the finishing touches on his reading of bedtime stories for insomniacs.
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a political journalist who left the BBC after complaining of a right-wing witch hunt against him.
01:34On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who recently appeared on the panel show Have I Got Sport For You, which is basically like Have I Got News For You but about sport and running for just 625 fewer episodes.
01:57Please welcome Maisie Adams.
02:04We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Ian and Lewis, here's yours.
02:09That's three more they've let out.
02:14Yes, yes, it's a problem, isn't it, keeping them in.
02:17Oh, there we go.
02:18There we go.
02:19Bye-bye.
02:20That's Wandsworth.
02:23The government is fulfilling its promise and pledge to keep prison numbers as low as possible, which they're doing by releasing people entirely at random.
02:31There are a number of complaints because last week I said that human error was one thing but if you're in the prison service you're meant to look after people and various viewers said,
02:38this is pathetic, it's a one-off, it won't happen again.
02:42Hello.
02:44Lammy is Justice Minister.
02:46And the Deputy Prime Minister, same person.
02:48Yeah, the Deputy Prime Minister blamed the Justice Minister.
02:51But the Justice Minister, oh, I'm not having that, and he blamed the Deputy Prime Minister.
02:55And only one has decided to go back in.
02:58Presumably because the Wi-Fi is actually better in prison than that.
03:01Apparently he went home to see his partner, I'm not saying it was a conjugal visit, but look at this.
03:06Shortly after heading into Wandsworth this morning, Billy Smith came back out.
03:12To pick final cigarette.
03:16No doubt GB News will be as quick to pounce on this as they were with the last mistaken release.
03:21Here's Lee Anderson and chums discussing it on GB News last week.
03:26He's been deported, been sent back to us once again, Chloe, and we've actually bunged him 500 quid for the pleasure.
03:32Is that acceptable?
03:34Absolutely not.
03:37What an...
03:39It's like the world's worst stag do.
03:43I feel sorry for that poor bloke there who seems to be contemplating his last hours on Earth.
03:47What other release did Labour fumble this week?
03:52Oh, is this Rachel Reeves? Talking about the pre-budget speech?
03:56The pre-budge, yeah.
03:58The pre-budge?
03:59Are calling it the pre-budge?
04:00The pre-budge.
04:02Is it like the pre-lash?
04:04Yeah.
04:06In the old days, nobody said anything, there was purdah before the budging, so you didn't have to worry about it, and on budget day, it was a surprise.
04:13So there never used to be a pre-budge?
04:16There was no pre-budge.
04:17No pre-budge.
04:18You just went straight in with the budge?
04:19Yeah.
04:21Then you had the after-budge, which was a riot.
04:23Oh, yeah.
04:24Well, no offence, Ian and Lewis, but I think we should hear from the country's top political commentator on Rachel Reeves' speech, so let's have a look at that.
04:35What's the point of that?
04:37What's the point of that?
04:39Really, what was the point of that?
04:41Like you said, it was long and she, in the end, won't answer any questions about what she's going to tell us at the end of November anyway.
04:49It's just...that was bonkers.
04:51It was crazy.
04:52It's crazy.
04:55Well, hang on. Lorraine Kelly has a whole show where she just chats about, in the politest way possible, nothing really.
05:04She's going, what was the point of that?
05:08Now throwing to a cat fashion show.
05:11Well, we didn't get any actual policies revealed, so what was the point of all that?
05:16Well, she wanted to make very clear that all of the bad things that she's going to do are all as a result of things that have happened very recently.
05:26Yes.
05:27Like the Ukraine War, Brexit.
05:30Yes.
05:31The Ukraine War got in there a little bit.
05:33It's not her fault, as you said, and she was there to reassure the public, and this was her reassurance face.
05:38Oh.
05:39And The Sun provided a helpful list of things Rachel Reeves has blamed the economic situation on.
05:48Let's please have a rundown of the charts.
05:50So there's no change at one and two with Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng.
05:55New, in at three, it's Rishi Sunak's Black Hole.
05:58Making up the top six, it's Donald Trump, supply chains, and the global markets.
06:02And there's a surprise new entry at seven for Vladimir Putin.
06:04No change at eight for Keir Starmer.
06:06New in at nine, it's Big Bad Pad McFadden.
06:08Next, we have unreliable trains, slow broadband, George Osborne, David Cameron, COVID.
06:12And finally, staying at the top 15 for record 78 weeks is Brexit.
06:16Yes.
06:21I don't want to usurp your role, but I mean, it's all true.
06:24It's just that after a while, when you're in government, you have to accept some responsibility.
06:30What disaster is Rachel Reeves in danger of being compared to?
06:33Ooh.
06:34It's Liz Truss, isn't it?
06:36Mmm.
06:37It's either that or the Titanic.
06:38There are only two major disasters in history that you get compared to.
06:43I would love to see a Liz Truss film with a soundtrack by Celine Dion.
06:48What with her and Kwasi Kwarteng on the bow.
06:54Head for that iceberg!
06:58Iceberg lettuce.
07:02I know, it's that kind of show.
07:03No, it's there.
07:05No, I don't know.
07:07No, thank you.
07:09This is what we need to do.
07:10Oh, thank you.
07:13Let's see.
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11:43Right, Catherine, there's like a...
11:46And Britain has been a big-time player in the litter-picking champion.
11:51We've got a lot of trash.
11:52For a long, long time.
11:53And I think we've dropped the ball this year.
11:57We've been ousted!
11:58You're right Maze, this is the heart breaking news
12:01that Great Britain has lost its title of world litter-picking champions.
12:05I didn't know we were.
12:07We kept very quiet about that, hadn't we?
12:08Couldn't they have gone round handing leaflets
12:10to people telling them that?
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15:14Oh yes, in an email sent to the...
15:17What?
15:19In an email sent to the Have I Got News For You office, Carla Silsby writes,
15:24Ian Hislop definitely should receive an award for being best dressed man on TV.
15:28He always looks smart in every episode I watch.
15:31I know it's nice to be casual, but a good suit, clean shirt and nice tie
15:35really sets a man up and makes the difference.
15:41Ian!
15:42Hi!
15:43P.S. My husband leaves for work at half-hast eight in the morning.
15:49I was going to say, my mother shouldn't write letters.
15:53Well, who else has been complimented for their nice suit and tie this week?
15:57Is it Beckham?
15:57It's David Beckham.
15:58Yeah, his suit was very fancy, wasn't it? Made by his wife.
16:02Oh!
16:03David Beckham knighted by the king who complimented him on his suit.
16:07Beckham said that Charles had inspired quite a few of my looks over the years.
16:11I don't remember Charles doing this one.
16:18That was Andrew, to be fair.
16:26He was meant not to get it, wasn't he?
16:28Because he'd been pitching for it and it was considered bad form to be desperate.
16:32That's exactly right. In 2013, when he did not get a knighthood, he emailed his PR saying,
16:37they're a bunch of cunts.
16:39I expected nothing less.
16:41Who decides on the honours?
16:42It's a disgrace, to be honest.
16:44And if I was American, I would have got something like this.
16:47Aw!
16:49It would have been nice and maybe, like, poetic if Charles had got his own back just by,
16:53yeah, knighting him and then going, arise, you cunt.
16:56You know?
16:57I don't know that we are allowed to broadcast the c-words, but you did reference Victoria
17:05Beckham earlier and we'll allow that.
17:08Oh!
17:09Ryan!
17:14I like her reel.
17:15I didn't expect that reaction.
17:16I do have to clarify, David Beckham denies some of what is in these alleged emails.
17:21He says it's the work of Russian hackers.
17:23Some of the email.
17:25So, like, when he says, would have got, not would have got.
17:29That's Russian.
17:31That's Russian.
17:33He's got to say Russian rhythm.
17:35Yeah.
17:35Would have got.
17:39Apart from AI humanoids, what else should we not be worrying about?
17:44Meteorites in the earth.
17:46Yes!
17:46Really?
17:47Yes!
17:48Oh, I just made that up.
17:50There's an object that's streaking through the solar system at 130,000 miles an hour
17:53that most scientists say is a comet, but Harvard astrophysics professor Avi Loeb
17:58says it might be an alien spacecraft sent to probe our solar system.
18:03Oh, blimey.
18:03Oh.
18:03And it is called Atlas.
18:05Why does nearly every other astronomer think Atlas is a comet?
18:10It looks like a comet.
18:11It moves like a comet.
18:12It's number plate, comet.
18:13Oh, you've got it again.
18:17Astronomer Dr Mark Norris said, in terms of why we think it's a comet, it's because it
18:20looks and behaves.
18:21Oh!
18:21Oh!
18:22Oh!
18:22Oh!
18:23Oh!
18:24Oh!
18:25Oh!
18:26Oh!
18:27Oh!
18:28Oh!
18:29Oh!
18:30How do you tell the difference between comets and asteroids?
18:32You can get ointment for asteroids.
18:34What?
18:35Oh, is this on?
18:36What's the difference between comets and asteroids?
18:37Well, a comet's sort of on fire a little bit, isn't it?
18:38Asteroid is more round.
18:39Is it their orbit?
18:40Yeah, in a...actually in a gravitational...attracted by an in-depth orbiting something.
18:41And an asteroid is potentially just hurtling through space.
18:42Isn't that what it is?
18:43Yeah.
18:44Join us for another episode of Moron Science.
18:45LAUGHTER
18:46And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news. Fingers on Buzzer's team.
18:50Oh!
18:51Oh!
18:52This is Zoran Mamdani.
18:53He's been elected to the police.
18:54He's been elected to the police and the police and the police and the police and the police
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