Skip to playerSkip to main content
Terra.Anatolia
  • 2 days ago
Transcript
00:00...to release all of the Epstein files.
00:02Reversing his previous position,
00:04President Trump encouraged House Republicans
00:06to vote in favor of it
00:07and says he will sign the bill if it passes the Senate.
00:12The Late Show salutes American heroes,
00:15tonight, House Republicans,
00:17for voting to release the Jeffrey Epstein files.
00:21These courageous Congress people risked everything
00:24and somehow found the grit to vote for truth and transparency.
00:28Bravely standing up against this notorious pedophile.
00:32Once they got permission from the pedophile's best friend.
00:35Oh, wow, that's me.
00:37It's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
00:42Tonight, by a man out,
00:46plus Stephen welcomes
00:47Ted Danson
00:50and Chef Allison Rump
00:53featuring Louis Kato and The Late Show.
00:58And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater
01:04and here in New York City,
01:05it's Stephen Colbert.
01:11Hello.
01:13Hey, friends.
01:14Hey.
01:16Nice to meet you.
01:17Nice to meet you.
01:18Nice to meet you.
01:19Nice to meet you down there.
01:20Hello, friends.
01:21Hello.
01:25Hello.
01:25You're going to be bigger.
01:27You're going to be bigger.
01:28Very kind.
01:31Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
01:32Welcome all to
01:34The Late Show.
01:40Wonderful to have you all here.
01:41I am your host, Stephen Colbert.
01:43Now, ladies and gentlemen...
01:44I feel good coming out here today.
01:49When it comes to Congress,
01:50it's increasingly rare
01:52that things
01:53happen.
01:55And
01:55today,
01:58something did.
01:59This afternoon,
01:59the House voted to release
02:01the Epstein files.
02:10That...
02:11That is the reaction
02:13of people who are not in the files.
02:16I'm guessing.
02:18I'm guessing.
02:18In fact,
02:20it passed overwhelmingly
02:21427 to 1.
02:24Wow.
02:25Wait.
02:25Wait.
02:25Hold on.
02:26Wait.
02:26To 1?
02:28Who is the one vote
02:30to keep them secret?
02:31Do we have a picture
02:31of the guy
02:31who voted against it?
02:36Wonder who that was.
02:37Who was that?
02:38I don't know.
02:39Of course,
02:40the vote doesn't mean
02:41the Epstein files
02:41will be released right away.
02:43The bill now has to go
02:44to the Senate
02:44where it may be amended.
02:47And if it's passed there,
02:48an amended would have
02:48to go back to the House
02:49where it has to cross over
02:50a river and under the bridge
02:51is a troll.
02:52And to get by the troll,
02:54you have to answer his riddle.
02:55What walks on two cankles
02:57in the morning
02:58rides a golf cart
03:01in the afternoon
03:02and is totally
03:04in the Epstein files?
03:08Then again,
03:09it might be way simpler
03:10than that.
03:11Because as of this taping,
03:12this is still happening?
03:13As of this taping,
03:15since the vote was
03:16so huge and overwhelming
03:18in the House,
03:18the Senate may vote
03:19on the Epstein files
03:20tonight.
03:22So...
03:22Soon.
03:27Soon.
03:28I mean, tomorrow,
03:29we might know everything
03:30he and his pervert buddies did.
03:32Meaning,
03:32it's Epstein rockin' Eve.
03:35Stay up.
03:36Stay up for a ball drop.
03:38You're gonna wanna miss.
03:42This...
03:43Yeah, I agree.
03:43I agree.
03:44This is a dramatic
03:46legislative turnaround.
03:47And a huge loss for Trump,
03:48make no mistake.
03:49For going on four months now,
03:51Trump and Speaker Mike Johnson
03:52fought the release
03:53of the Epstein files
03:54with every congressional tool
03:56they had.
03:57And keep in mind,
03:58Congress is loaded
03:58with some major tools.
04:02But...
04:02when it looked like
04:03Republicans were defecting
04:05en masse
04:05and they were gonna lose big,
04:07they were suddenly all in.
04:08Like...
04:09like they always were.
04:10Right, Mike?
04:10Republicans support
04:12maximum transparency.
04:15We always have.
04:16The President of the United States
04:17supports
04:18maximum transparency.
04:20Yes, the President
04:21has always supported
04:22maximum transparency.
04:24A healthy diet
04:25of leafy greens
04:26and...
04:27the understated
04:29androgynous sensuality
04:30of a flat-chested woman.
04:32He, uh...
04:33President would be here.
04:34He can't talk right now
04:35because he's jogging
04:36to Bible study.
04:39Put that over...
04:39Put that over there.
04:41Have you moved
04:41the podium over there?
04:44Trump has clearly
04:45just...
04:45has given up the fight.
04:47Here's what he said
04:48at a press conference yesterday.
04:50I'm for...
04:51any...
04:52I don't...
04:52They can do whatever
04:53they want.
04:54So we'll give them everything.
04:56Sure I would.
04:57Yes.
04:58When it comes to
04:59anything to do with Epstein,
05:00he'll always sign
05:01right on the dotted pube.
05:04Now,
05:05you might notice.
05:07You might notice.
05:09Really?
05:10I don't know.
05:11How are you doing?
05:13All right?
05:13You guys okay over there?
05:15All right.
05:15Everybody okay over there?
05:16All right.
05:16Now, you might notice
05:17that Trump's voice
05:18is a little raspy there.
05:19One of the reporters
05:20asked him about it.
05:22The help of the President's
05:23always needs.
05:23Your voice sounds a little rough.
05:24Are you feeling around?
05:25I feel great.
05:26I was shouting at people
05:27because they were stupid
05:30about something
05:31having to do with
05:32trade and a country
05:35and I straightened it out.
05:36But I blew my stack
05:38at these people.
05:41Sir.
05:48I want to put this delicately,
05:50but if you want us
05:51to stop talking
05:52about the Epstein emails,
05:53I wouldn't use the phrase
05:54because I blew anything.
05:58Trump also...
05:59Okay?
06:02I'm just trying to help.
06:03I'm just trying to help.
06:06Trump also talked about
06:07how he sicked the DOJ
06:09on Democrats
06:10who knew Epstein.
06:11I believe that
06:12many of the people
06:13that we...
06:14some of the people
06:15that we mentioned
06:15are being looked at
06:17very seriously
06:18for their relationship
06:20to Jeffrey Epstein.
06:22But they were with him
06:23all the time.
06:23I wasn't.
06:24I wasn't at all.
06:26No, he's right.
06:26He wasn't with Epstein
06:28all the time.
06:29Just this time
06:30and this time
06:31and this time
06:32and this time
06:34and this time.
06:36Clearly,
06:37what are they going to do?
06:40They got rented
06:41the same bike?
06:44Clearly,
06:45all the Epstein talk
06:45is getting to Trump.
06:46this weekend
06:47this weekend
06:47he lost it
06:48at a female reporter.
06:50Sir, is there something
06:51incriminating in the box?
06:53Quiet, quiet.
06:56That is disgusting.
07:01And I'm told
07:02we have a response.
07:03Hi-ya!
07:04Oh, today,
07:17today was a big one
07:18at the White House
07:19because Trump got a visit
07:20from one of his dictator besties,
07:22Saudi Crown Prince
07:23Mohammed bin Salman,
07:25seen here
07:25after the photographer yelled,
07:27now do a silly one.
07:30Trump's been working overtime
07:31to make the prince
07:33feel at home,
07:34first by redecorating
07:35the Oval Office
07:36to look like the men's room
07:37at a Riyadh strip club.
07:38As a reminder,
07:40it's been seven years
07:41since MBS
07:42has been invited
07:43to the White House,
07:44possibly because
07:45months after his last visit,
07:47his agents killed
07:48and dismembered
07:49Washington Post columnist
07:50Jamal Khashoggi
07:52in Istanbul,
07:54and a U.S. intelligence
07:55assessment determined
07:56that he had probably
07:57ordered it.
07:58And because this is America,
08:00our journalists are free
08:01to ask him about it.
08:02Your Royal Highness,
08:04the U.S. intelligence
08:05concluded that you
08:06orchestrated the brutal
08:07murder of a journalist.
08:08You're mentioning somebody
08:09that was extremely controversial.
08:12A lot of people
08:12didn't like that gentleman
08:13that you're talking about.
08:14Whether you like him
08:15or didn't like him,
08:17things happened,
08:17but he knew nothing about it,
08:19and we can leave it at that.
08:20You don't have to embarrass
08:21our guest by asking
08:22a question like that.
08:23How dare you embarrass
08:24our guest?
08:25Now he's going to feel
08:26all self-conscious
08:27when he tries to chop up
08:28somebody like you.
08:30Also, Jamal Khashoggi
08:32was only controversial
08:33to the crown prince.
08:35And even if he was
08:36controversial to everybody,
08:37that doesn't excuse
08:38murdering him.
08:40The new cracker barrel logo
08:41was controversial,
08:42but nobody chopped up
08:44the old guy in the logo
08:45and stuffed his body parts
08:46in the barrel,
08:47even though it's specifically
08:48a barrel for crackers.
08:50It's been...
08:53It's been...
08:54I got a couple.
08:57You guys got a couple?
08:58I got a couple of thoughts.
09:00I got some thoughts.
09:02It's really...
09:03It's been such a tough
09:04couple of days for Trump,
09:05but yesterday,
09:06he got to do something,
09:07you know, just for him.
09:08I'm thrilled to be here
09:10with the men and the women
09:11who are really the heart
09:13and soul of one of the
09:14greatest, most admired
09:15and most successful companies
09:16in the history of the world,
09:18frankly,
09:19the one and only McDonald's.
09:22I love you.
09:23The one and only.
09:24I love you guys
09:25because at McDonald's,
09:26they never ask me
09:27about Jeffrey Epstein.
09:29I think.
09:30It's hard to understand
09:31what they're saying
09:31through that little
09:32drive-in speaker.
09:32The event was
09:35the annual meeting
09:36of franchise owners
09:37that they call
09:37the McDonald's Impact Summit.
09:40It's the nation's
09:41second biggest
09:42corporate fast food conference
09:43right after Arby's,
09:45we have the meetings.
09:49Now, Trump bragged.
09:51He bragged a bit.
09:52Sure, Arby's.
09:53Why not?
09:56A little horsey sauce
09:57goes a long way.
09:59Trump bragged about
10:00how he's been force-feeding
10:01McDonald's to all
10:02of his MAGA buddies.
10:02You fed us very well
10:04and I even got Bobby Kennedy
10:05to eat a Big Mac.
10:08And he told me he loved it.
10:11He didn't want that publicized.
10:13He told me he loved it.
10:14Yeah.
10:15Yeah, in fact,
10:16here's an actual picture
10:17of their McDonald's
10:19in-flight meal
10:20and you can see
10:21just how much
10:21Bobby loved it.
10:25Bobby's never really been
10:27a drive-thru fan.
10:30He prefers drive-over food.
10:32Now, Trump spoke
10:35for almost an hour.
10:36An hour?
10:37He spoke for almost an hour
10:38and he shouted out
10:40his menu favorites.
10:41No matter who you are,
10:42everyone loves
10:43something at McDonald's.
10:45There's always something
10:46to have.
10:48I like the fish.
10:50I like it.
10:51What on earth was that sound?
11:04Is Donald Trump getting the fish
11:07out of the Coke
11:08freestyle machine?
11:10I got Dr. Pepper,
11:11a splash of Sprite,
11:12and ooh,
11:13Scrod.
11:14That wasn't
11:19the only noise
11:21that came out
11:21of his fillet hole.
11:24He's going like,
11:25sir.
11:27Yeah.
11:27Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
11:28Skedaddle.
11:29The word skedaddle.
11:30Psh.
11:31It's always blank,
11:31blank, blank,
11:32drip, drip, water.
11:33We call it the drip, drip.
11:34We're drip, drip,
11:34bing, bing, bing.
11:36Could we get a round
11:45of MRIs for the table?
11:47Could we?
11:49I'll pay for it.
11:50I'll pay for it.
11:53One, two, three.
11:54Three-arms whips.
11:57Trump continued
11:58his heartfelt McPraise.
12:00While other politicians
12:01fly around
12:02on campaign planes
12:03stocked with
12:04expensive catering,
12:05on Trump Force One
12:07prior to
12:08ascending to
12:10Air Force One,
12:11we served only
12:12McDonald's
12:12almost every time.
12:14Yes, in fact,
12:15I love McDonald's
12:16so much,
12:16I wrote you
12:16a little song.
12:18Old McDonald's
12:18makes me food,
12:19burgers, shakes,
12:20and fries.
12:21And on a plane,
12:22I often lick
12:23ketchup off my ties.
12:25With a lick, lick here,
12:26a lick, lick there.
12:27Here a lick, there a lick.
12:28Everywhere a lick, lick.
12:29Old McDonald's,
12:30I love you.
12:30Epstein killed himself.
12:33We got a great show
12:33for you tonight.
12:35My guests are Ted Danson
12:37and Chef Allison Roman.
12:39When you get back,
12:40I answer your kids' questions.
12:42They're adorable.
12:44They say hello to the band, friends.
12:48Right over there.
12:48They say hello to the band, friends.
12:49Right over there.
12:49They say hello to the band, friends.
12:50Right over there.
12:55There you go.
12:56Hey, thanks.
12:57Uh, kids.
13:07There are those little people hiding behind the iPads
13:10at the dinner table.
13:12One thing we know about kids is they ask a lot of questions.
13:13And that's why I created a segment on the show here where I give parents a break by answering real questions from real kids.
13:18We have had some trouble naming this segment in the past.
13:19First, we called it Stephen Takes Your Kids.
13:19Not a great title, and none of the others we tried were much better.
13:23So I just asked our writers to come up with a little title that parents, uh, can understand.
13:27It means I'm gonna take, uh, their kids to babysit while they take a break, so I just asked our writers to come up with a little title that parents, uh, can understand, means I'm gonna take, uh, their kids to babysit while they take a break.
13:57So it's time for...
13:59Stephen Colbert sits on your baby!
14:04So you're choosing to do this to me?
14:07It's a common phrase.
14:08There's no way you didn't...
14:10Hey, kids.
14:11Who's got a question for me?
14:13Why is standard paper 8 1⁄2 by 11 inches?
14:17Well, Emelyn, that's because paper is named after Joseph T. Paper, who was 8 1⁄2 inches tall by 11 inches wide.
14:25Sadly, he passed away when he got into a fight and somebody three-hole punched him.
14:30Who's next?
14:31What?
14:32Ow.
14:33Yeah, his favorite princess, Stephen.
14:38Thanks for that question, Maggie.
14:40I'd say my favorite princess is probably Boudicca, ruler of the Iceni, a Celtic warrior who raised an army to fight against the Roman invasion of the British Isles in roughly 60 A.D.
14:51Now, it's estimated that Boudicca's army killed 70,000 Romans, making her a symbol of resistance and a national icon.
14:59So I would definitely say Boudicca.
15:01Or maybe Elsa.
15:02Her hair's so pretty.
15:04Who's got another question?
15:06What makes me talk?
15:09Well, Cassidy, I don't know about you, but the way to make me talk is to pull the string in my back that activates one of my prerecorded catchphrases.
15:18Give it up for Louis Cato and the Late Show Band.
15:23Next question.
15:25Mr. Colbert, how do whales brush their teeth?
15:29Great question, Jonah.
15:30Wait.
15:31Jonah, are you by any chance inside of a whale right now?
15:36If so, you're in a great position to brush its teeth from the inside.
15:39Then at the end, when it spits out the toothpaste, you can finally escape.
15:43Trust me.
15:44It's in the Bible.
15:46Who's next?
15:47How do you know so many famous people?
15:50Good question.
15:52But to really answer that, you'd have to ask my close personal friend, Charlie XCX.
15:57Charlie?
15:58Well, Lilia, Steven knows a lot of famous people because every time he sees one at a party,
16:03he corners them and won't stop talking until they agree to exchange numbers with him.
16:08Then he puts them all on a massive group chat and won't stop texting because he's what we call a social climber.
16:15Yep, him again.
16:18Steven, stop sending Shrek memes.
16:22Oh, Charlie XCX, you're so funny and are my friend.
16:27Next question.
16:29What's at the end of the universe?
16:31Well, Alex, nobody knows for sure, but one of the leading scientific theories is that the universe will expand exponentially
16:38until all matter and energy is uniformly distributed and we reach something called maximum entropy.
16:45Over a span of hundreds of trillions of years, all heat will vanish from the universe and all the stars will disappear.
16:52Except, of course, for Paul Rudd, whose hotness is immune to time.
16:57Next question.
16:58How do you fart?
17:00I hate to brag, Jack, but the way I fart is silent, odorless, and basically undetectable.
17:10Basically.
17:13Next question.
17:15Steven, how do you know if you have cooties and what are they?
17:19Important question, Thurston.
17:21You know you have cooties because there'll be some subtle signs.
17:24For instance...
17:28Breaking news.
17:29We have just learned that Stephen Colbert has cooties.
17:32Cooties, of course, are a combination of bug slash disease that result in an incurable condition medical professionals refer to as permanently gross.
17:42No word yet on how Stephen contracted cooties, though there are unconfirmed reports that at one point he may have kissed a girl.
17:50Sources say he liked it.
17:52Back to you, Stephen.
17:53Thank you for that report, Anderson.
17:55Well, kids, I hope that answers all your questions.
17:58And parents, if your kids have questions at home, please post a video to social media with the hashtag
18:03ColbertKidQuestions or submit a video at the link below and we just might feature it in our next installment of...
18:10Stephen Colbert sits on your babies!
18:15Thank you to CharlieXX and Anderson Cooper.
18:18We'll be right back with Ted Danson.
18:33Welcome back to the show, everybody.
18:37Ladies and gentlemen, laid back tonight.
18:40Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest this evening is an Emmy-winning actor and activist.
18:45You know best from Cheers, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and The Good Place.
18:49He currently stars in A Man on the Inside.
18:52Oh, hey. I was just thinking about you.
18:56Really? Neat.
18:58Because I was also thinking about you.
19:00Want to grab some lunch?
19:02That would be lovely.
19:04Perfect. Let's do it. Let's get some lunch. Actually, I can.
19:07Whoa. I'm getting real mixed signals here.
19:10I forgot. I'm meeting a friend. A stupid friend. Stupid friends. They ruin everything.
19:16Just go have a lovely time with your friend, and you know where to find me.
19:25Okay. Thank you. Thank you for kissing me.
19:32Please welcome Ted Danson.
19:38Come on, Al.
20:00There you go.
20:01Nice to see you again.
20:10Nice to see you, too.
20:12Yeah, Emmy night or something.
20:13Yeah, we ran into each other at a party at Chateau Marmont.
20:17That's how fancy we are.
20:18It was very cool to meet you.
20:19Very cool to see you again.
20:21And even cooler to meet your wife.
20:22Oh, yeah, Evie's much cooler.
20:23Rock and roll.
20:24You have been so successful for so long.
20:29Look at all the shows that people have loved you in.
20:30Cheers, CSI, Bored to Death, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Good Place,
20:35and now a man on the inside.
20:37I do like to ask about the early years of struggle, though,
20:41because especially when someone has been so long since the struggle,
20:44I'm just curious, what did success, like making it,
20:49what was your standard when you knew, like, okay,
20:50something's happening for me?
20:53Here's what I know my life is working.
20:57Clean underwear and socks that match.
21:00Socks that match.
21:03Then I know.
21:06Yeah.
21:07Were you just doing your laundry more frequently,
21:10or were you buying fresh socks every so often?
21:12I should have left clean underwear out of that.
21:14Just had gone with match socks.
21:17Always clean underwear.
21:18Because that's clean underwear implies a much darker story
21:22from the earlier part of your life.
21:24Yeah.
21:26You have said that you want to know what it's like to be funny at every age.
21:29Yeah.
21:29You want to just keep working for as long as you can.
21:32Yeah.
21:32You are now 77 years old.
21:34What is, what is...
21:35Double lucky.
21:39Very sexy.
21:40It is.
21:40Well, it's very lucky.
21:4177.
21:42Yes.
21:42Double sevens.
21:42That means you did something.
21:44Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
21:45Wow.
21:46Wow.
21:46Yeah, well, that's what I...
21:47That's why they gave me this job.
21:51Temporarily.
21:51Now, I'm just curious, what's funny about 77?
21:58I love pratfalls and physical comedies,
22:01so anytime I can be physically funny.
22:04But here's what has become funny.
22:06My...
22:07It's not that I'm trying, either.
22:09My run has become funny.
22:12It's more of a scurry that's close to the ground in case I fall.
22:18It won't hurt so much.
22:20Now, is that because you're saying,
22:2177 or because you've been comedy running for so long
22:24that you can no longer remember what real running is like?
22:27Because my wife, Evie, blames...
22:29She says, you...
22:31When you go to run someplace fast,
22:32you do this thing at the beginning that is no human does.
22:36I do this.
22:37I do this.
22:37She goes, we got to go.
22:38I go...
22:39And then I run.
22:41She goes, why do you do the thing first?
22:45She goes, no one...
22:47No one does that.
22:48A couple of years ago, I started doing fake trips.
22:51Oh, yeah, yeah.
22:52So that I could do it and then go, I'm just kidding.
22:54Now, they've blended into real trips, but I can still go, just kidding.
22:59Exactly.
23:00You pawn it off.
23:01That's nice.
23:02Yeah.
23:02Okay, season two of the new show,
23:05A Man in the Inside, premieres this week.
23:07You play a retiree who goes undercover for a local private investigator.
23:14Based on a true story.
23:15That's what I understand.
23:16A documentary out of Chile.
23:17Yeah, Santiago, Chile.
23:19Sergio was this 82-year-old man who had shut down because his wife had died the year before,
23:25and he was getting more and more isolated,
23:27and he randomly picked an ad saying, very funny, actually,
23:31a gentleman from 75 to 85, good with technology.
23:35And they put him into a retirement home to see, you know, if something bad was happening.
23:42Turns out it wasn't.
23:43But it was so sweet, so gently funny and full of heart,
23:47and dealt with some of the hard stuff with aging.
23:51And we solved the crime last year, and so we've moved on to a liberal arts college
23:56where there's a mystery happening, a crime,
23:58which is kind of cool because Mike, sure, is really good at finding things in society
24:04or knowing that they're coming.
24:06I don't know how he did it because he's been planning this for two or three years.
24:10But liberal arts colleges are kind of under attack nowadays,
24:14and so there's a celebration of liberal arts in the midst of this mystery.
24:18And the other thing is second chances.
24:21Do you get to fall in love again if you've lost the love of your life?
24:24And I get to play that out with my wife, Mary.
24:27I know. That is extraordinary because not only are you playing,
24:35not only are you playing, you know, a chance to fall in love a second time,
24:39but you get to fall in love all over again with somebody you already fell in love with.
24:42Yes.
24:42What is that like to, like, show up on set with this woman you fell in love with 30 years ago
24:47to then re-fall in love with her?
24:49Do you have any, do you plan ahead of time how?
24:54No.
24:54No?
24:55No.
24:55The actor in us, you, you, you learn your lines and then you show up and you do the circumstances and all of that.
25:05But you, you want to try to be real in the moment and present and all of that.
25:10Like you and I are right now.
25:12Right.
25:12I'm like, I'm falling right into those baby blues right there.
25:18I feel like Diane.
25:20But with, but with Mary, I hate love scenes.
25:23I hate love scenes with other people.
25:25It's like, how do you do?
25:25Like making love or just love?
25:26No, just love scenes.
25:28And I never made love on, they never paid me to, to be sexy.
25:32You've never, you've never made love on camera?
25:34I kissed.
25:35Oh, okay.
25:35But that, but no, I was the guy who made good jokes about sex, but not actually.
25:40Okay.
25:41Keep your shirt on.
25:42Keep your shirt on, Ted, please.
25:44But with Mary, she loves me.
25:46I love her.
25:47And I can throw myself into it because there's no guilt.
25:51Because if it's a stranger, it's like, oh, this is wrong.
25:54Or is it nice?
25:55No, no, it's wrong.
25:56It's wrong.
25:57I mean, listen, I acted a bit when I was younger, but I never had, I never, I guess,
26:02no one ever wrote me a love scene.
26:04And so that, so there's a little guilt involved with like, uh, giving yourself over to the
26:09attraction to another woman.
26:12So you hold yourself back.
26:12But I got to not hold myself back and fall madly in love with my wife.
26:17And that's pleasant.
26:18We have to take a quick break, but don't go away.
26:20We'll be right back with more Ted Danson, everybody.
26:57Humanitarianism, your sense of service for other people.
26:59That's a big thing, title.
27:01I, I end up feeling like.
27:02Saint, is saint easier?
27:03Yeah.
27:05That's kind of a given.
27:07Great.
27:09One of my kids went to a psychic one day and the psychic said, you know, your father walked
27:13with Jesus.
27:15And she made the mistake of telling me that.
27:19And you throw that back in your kid's face?
27:20Here's my image of that moment.
27:22Fellas, wait up.
27:23It's me, Ted.
27:24And Jesus is like, oh, it's Ted again.
27:28We already have 12.
27:30I'll let you know if somebody dies.
27:34My father was an archaeologist.
27:36He, yeah, it was cool.
27:39That's fun.
27:40It is fun.
27:40Academic?
27:41Like, was he teaching?
27:41He was a professor.
27:43Then he was out in the field and he was digging and, you know, the whole thing.
27:46And you see civilizations going way back.
27:49So what I got from him, and he actually said these words, but it kind of absorbed it, was
27:55this life, this time right now is not just about you.
27:59It's about, you know, the stewardship of what you've been given.
28:03And that kind of soaked in.
28:05And so when something came up, for me it was fighting offshore oil drilling in California.
28:10And I met this environmental lawyer, became friends, and we kicked their butts and won.
28:16And you start finding people in organizations that you enjoy, who are doing good work, and
28:23you support them, you know.
28:25You got arrested a few years back with Jane Fonda, right there.
28:28Was that your first arrest?
28:31Protesting, it was climate action.
28:33Protests.
28:35She's, yeah, she's definitely one of my heroes in life, truly.
28:39That is, that's called the champagne of arrests.
28:42I have a kind of a bad shoulder, and they came out and said, Mr. Danson, if you don't
28:48leave now, we're going to have to cuff you and take you to jail.
28:51And I said, okay, um, can you cuff me in the front?
28:55My shoulder hurts, you know.
28:57Yes, Mr. Danson, of course.
28:59So champagne has nothing to do with real arrests.
29:03Had you, did you get, did you, uh, did you mix it up when you were young?
29:06Like, were you active and rebellious?
29:08No.
29:09At protests as a young?
29:11We were stupid.
29:12Once or twice.
29:13It's a fine line.
29:14We, uh, we lived in this beautiful Flaxstaff area, just gorgeous, you know, countryside,
29:20and there were, there was a period where there were billboards one after another, and so we
29:24decided, with the help of a geologist that was working there, we'd go out at midnight
29:29and we'd cut them down.
29:30Boom.
29:31You cut down all the billboards?
29:33Boom, yes.
29:34To restore the view or something?
29:35Yes, to, you know, protest, you know.
29:37Stupid, like I said, stupid, but here's how stupid.
29:40We cut down every sign except the sign for my father's museum.
29:47Uh-huh.
29:49Boy, he kicked our butts.
29:52He was not a happy man.
29:53Ah.
29:53You're also hosting a podcast where everybody knows your name.
29:58Hosted by Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson, sometimes.
30:01Here you are, here you are, back in, uh, back in the day, right there.
30:08Yeah.
30:11Who, yes?
30:13Does that have something you wanted to?
30:15Everybody, literally everything we tried to do to beat Woody at anything, he kicked our
30:20butts.
30:20You're a big guy, you never, he beat him at arm wrestling?
30:23Nothing, basketball, nothing, pool, chess.
30:28No, he's, he's, he's one of my best friends and what a wonderfully odd duck.
30:33Well, just the two of you, just the two of you hanging is, is worth a listen.
30:38Who, who, like, who's a guest that you haven't been able to get that you really want?
30:40Is it somebody you're pursuing?
30:41I'm not, I don't, my brain doesn't work that way, but I, we just had, uh, Carol Burnett.
30:47Oh, the best, the best.
30:50We had, uh, Dick Van Dyke.
30:53Dick Van Dyke?
30:53Yes, yes.
30:54He's gonna be a hundred, like, in a week, right?
30:56I know, I know.
30:57That's fantastic.
30:58He was my hero.
30:59I didn't grow up with TVs, and my first TV was at Stanford, and I turned it on at 11 o'clock,
31:04and there was Dick Van Dyke tripping over the ottoman.
31:07Yeah, sure.
31:07I was hooked.
31:08That's, that's, that's, there's your guide, there's your north star for physical comedy.
31:13There's my socks and clean underwear, right there.
31:16Ted, thanks so much for being here.
31:18Pleasure.
31:18Good to see you.
31:20Season two of A Man on the Inside premieres Thursday on Netflix.
31:25It's Ted Danson, everybody.
31:26We'll be right back with chef Alison Roman.
31:42Hello.
31:43Welcome back once again to The Late Show.
31:47Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of my favorite chefs and a New York Times best-selling
31:51cookbook author.
31:52Please welcome back to The Late Show, Alison Roman.
31:55Alison, thanks so much for being here.
31:57Hi.
31:57Thank you for having me.
31:57Good to see you.
31:59Now, what do we got here?
32:01The new cookbook is Something from Nothing, which I think is a fantastic, because mostly,
32:06a lot of people have nothing in there.
32:08And you can make something from it, is what I'm saying.
32:09You can make nothing.
32:10Yes.
32:10Okay, so what is the most something you've ever made from nothing?
32:13God, I feel like a boiled potato with salt is a really underrated snack, but it does
32:17sound like food that you would eat if you were really in trouble.
32:20I'm Irish, I'm all in.
32:21Yeah, okay, good.
32:22Let's do it.
32:22Yeah, that feels like very on brand.
32:23What are we making tonight?
32:24This is a bit more something, I guess, but this is going to be a crispy chicken cutlet
32:30with Parmesan and burst tomatoes.
32:33And basically, I dedicate, like, an entire page in the book to panko breadcrumbs, because
32:37the book is sort of like, what can you keep in your pantry that will make you feel like
32:41you can make something?
32:42Okay.
32:43And for me, panko breadcrumbs are that breadcrumb.
32:45They are, like, a thing that I use for everything, and especially a cutlet.
32:49I'm all in.
32:49Great.
32:50I love anything breaded and fried.
32:51Let's do it.
32:52Exactly, okay, so...
32:52So we got our cutlet right here.
32:54Yeah, so I feel like you, not everybody has, like, a mallet, right?
32:59I feel like that's a very unique equipment, piece of equipment, and part of the book is
33:03also, like, okay, I'm not calling for any equipment that you might not have, but we all
33:07have a tiny skillet.
33:09So, carefully, and without hitting this, because this is hot.
33:12Hot oil.
33:12Yeah, we're going to pound this out a little bit, and kind of hold it closer.
33:17No, we're not, it's not baseball style.
33:19You want to come up closer here.
33:21Put your thumb here.
33:22Yes.
33:22And, like, yeah.
33:24There we go.
33:25I like it.
33:27Okay.
33:29His hand, your hand is in your pocket, which is extremely comfortable and casual.
33:35Sometimes, sometimes violence is the answer.
33:38Yeah.
33:38I like this.
33:39I will say it does feel good.
33:41Don't do this when a baby is napping, though.
33:42Am I thin enough?
33:42Am I thin enough?
33:43Let me feel your chicken.
33:45A little bit.
33:46Basically, your chicken's, yeah, okay.
33:47There we go.
33:48Okay.
33:49Okay, good.
33:50Yeah, your chicken's going to contract and become thicker when you cook it, so, like,
33:53go a little thinner.
33:54Okay.
33:54Anyway, okay, crack an egg into here.
33:55Tonight we're serving contracted chicken.
33:57I know, it's very delicious sounding.
33:58Okay, so.
33:59Okay, crack an egg into here.
34:00Okay.
34:01We're going to, ah, oh, wow.
34:03That egg really wanted, wow, okay.
34:06Once again, putting me to shame.
34:08Okay, there you go.
34:08Yeah, in that department.
34:10Basically, this is sort of, like, egg wash, crumb, and then there's parmesan in the crumb.
34:15So, I am not a huge fan of what we like to call a crispy-gone-soggy food, meaning food
34:21that you spend the energy and effort making crispy and then only to, like, cover it in
34:25a bunch of sauce and then it gets soggy.
34:26No, that's a heartbreak.
34:27Feels like a crime.
34:28And so.
34:29How do you solve that?
34:30Well, you just keep it crispy, basically.
34:32And so, I've put the parmesan in the thing.
34:34So, your way to solve it is to don't do that.
34:36It's just don't do that.
34:37Yeah, basically.
34:37Now, wait, I've got to show panko breadcrumbs here.
34:40Is that some fancy chefs say, you've got to make your own panko breadcrumbs.
34:44Can I go buy a bag?
34:45Absolutely.
34:46People, you know, I feel like making your own breadcrumbs is a real fantasy, and we all
34:50love to live that fantasy, but that's not the world I'm living in.
34:52And I feel like breaking out a food processor to process, like, old bread, like, I also
34:59don't have old bread.
34:59I have bread that I eat, and then there's no more bread.
35:02And so, I feel like, you know, all right, season your egg with a little salt.
35:05Season my egg with a little salt.
35:07And also season your chicken.
35:08We're sort of like in a season as you go, we're going to season all of these things.
35:11You definitely season as you go.
35:13I've followed some of your recipes, and you're all for, like, just keep going, just keep throwing
35:16some salt in there.
35:17Yeah.
35:17There you go.
35:19Restaurants serve so much more salt than we think, right?
35:21And that's what I'm saying.
35:22People are always like, why does it taste so good in a restaurant?
35:23Because they're using so much salt and so much olive oil.
35:26And people are like, how do I get my food to taste better?
35:28More salt, more olive oil.
35:29And you're like, oh, that was it, actually.
35:31All right.
35:32So, okay.
35:33So, you can use your hands, or because we're on TV, use tongs.
35:36Yeah.
35:36Okay.
35:37I don't want to embarrass myself.
35:38But at home, you used to be just knuckle deep at this point?
35:39I really would, yeah.
35:40I just do whatever.
35:41You don't want to know what I do at home.
35:42Okay.
35:42What are the...
35:43You want to...
35:44What do you...
35:45Okay, add your cheese to this, too.
35:48Oh, add...
35:48Yeah.
35:48Oh, I was...
35:49You're really over-cheese.
35:50I up.
35:51No, no.
35:52All right.
35:53You're perfect.
35:54Just the way you are.
35:54No, you're just being nice because we're on TV.
35:56No, no, no.
35:57But you're going to yell at me when this is all over.
35:59I can feel it.
36:00But have you ever had, like, the cheese...
36:02Like, Parmesan cheese that gets brown on, like, a sheet pan or, like, a skillet?
36:06Oh, amazing.
36:06So that's basically what we're doing.
36:07It's candy.
36:07It's cheese candy.
36:08Yeah.
36:08So we're kind of...
36:09Okay.
36:10Well, not what I would call it.
36:11But we are going to recreate that flavor here.
36:15I'm trying.
36:17All right.
36:17Speaking of chicken, I love your costume from this Halloween here.
36:22Oh, thank you.
36:22This is you and your husband as Ina Garten and her husband Jeffrey.
36:26Yeah.
36:27And is it son or daughter?
36:28I don't know.
36:29Son, Charlie.
36:29Your son is a roast chicken?
36:32Yeah, we were, like, roast chicken.
36:34And then he kind of looked like we were making chicken soup.
36:36And I don't know.
36:37We went with either.
36:38Whatever people wanted to say.
36:38Just tell me he wasn't soggy at the end.
36:40No.
36:41I would never do that to my son or chicken cutlet.
36:44All right.
36:44I'm really going for it with pressing the crumbs in.
36:47Yeah, I'm not touching it.
36:47I'm a Virgo.
36:50Okay, that's...
36:50Oh, look at that.
36:51She's hissing.
36:52Yeah.
36:53It's hissing.
36:53It's beautiful.
36:54It'll sizzle.
36:55It'll be delicious.
36:55So imagine we made it.
36:57Yeah, imagine we made it.
36:58Okay.
36:58And there's...
36:59We made it down here.
37:00Okay, great.
37:01I guess I have both.
37:02You have both?
37:03Isn't that nice?
37:03Okay.
37:04If all of them...
37:04Mine, I would not recognize.
37:06No.
37:07No.
37:08Anyone in the pro row?
37:09Anyone?
37:10We're not going to serve that.
37:10A little chicken?
37:12Guys, there you go.
37:13This is, I will say, you'll notice this is a sauce that we're going to put on it.
37:17Yes.
37:17But it's not like a heavy marinara sauce with, like, goopy cheese.
37:21It's sort of just like a light, saucy, burst tomato situation that you would cook in the same skillet.
37:26So, you know, you want to go ahead and do that.
37:27I would sure do that.
37:28While I am ladling, this looks fantastic.
37:31I'm just going to...
37:32Okay.
37:33Yeah, really good.
37:34Oh, my God.
37:34While I'm doing this...
37:35I'm going to somehow navigate...
37:36Would you serve this, would you serve this, like, with a side of pasta, or...
37:40I would do a big, peppery salad.
37:41Oh, you have to stop.
37:43Why, why, is that too much?
37:44That's way too much.
37:45Why is that too much?
37:46No, I said no.
37:47I said not too saucy.
37:48You're making it wet.
37:49He made it wet.
37:50Okay, well, we can't eat this now.
37:53No, yes.
37:54Okay.
37:54This is the most ridiculous...
37:55I'll hold the cheese.
37:57Okay, and I'll...
37:58Okay.
38:00There.
38:00Oh, it's so sweet.
38:01There we go.
38:05Okay.
38:05Okay.
38:06There we go.
38:07Anyway, if you're a fan of basil, which I am about once a year...
38:11Once a year?
38:11I know, it's very controversial.
38:13It's not my favorite herb.
38:14I think it...
38:14What's your favorite herb?
38:15Dill.
38:16Parsley.
38:17What?
38:18Someone said what?
38:19What?
38:19Exactly.
38:19I know, it's so good.
38:21Please don't say tarragon.
38:22No, that's like...
38:23I would say top eight, but not top five.
38:25It's a garbage herb.
38:26Wow, garbage herb.
38:28Yes.
38:28What did it do to you?
38:29Bernays.
38:30Oh, Bernays is fantastic.
38:31Okay.
38:33Can I try it now?
38:35Well, not that.
38:36No, this.
38:36Oh, yes, yes, yes.
38:37If it's too soggy, it's not my fault.
38:39Okay.
38:40That's all I'll say.
38:41But it will be delicious.
38:43Okay, here we go.
38:43I'm going in.
38:44Go in.
38:45And so basically, the idea is like, the idea of a chicken parm, but like, lighter, crunchier,
38:49crispier, fresher.
38:51Right?
38:52It's conceptually a chicken parm.
38:54Yeah, it has the words chicken...
38:56It doesn't want to be pinned down.
38:57It has the words chicken and parm in it, which counts for a lot.
39:00That's good.
39:01And it's crispy.
39:04How's that cheese candy?
39:09There you go.
39:10Wow, never enough cheese.
39:12Something from Nothing is available now.
39:15Alison Roman, everybody.
39:16That's it for the Late Show, folks.
39:30Tune in tomorrow.
39:31My guests will be Benedict Cumberbatch and Patton Oswalt.
39:34Good night.
39:35Oh, and everybody.
39:58Bye.
Be the first to comment
Add your comment