- 4 hours ago
Crowd Control - Season 1 Episode 6 -
Have You Been Bad?
Have You Been Bad?
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00A stand-up show where the audience is the material.
00:04On tonight's lineup, Emmy Award winner, Moshe Kasher.
00:12Host of Um Actually, Ify Whitey Wave.
00:16And from Netflix's verified stand-up, Leslie Liao.
00:21And here's your host, Jacquees Neal.
00:30Wow!
00:33What's up, everybody?
00:34Welcome to Crowd Control, the show where I've invited three of my favorite comedians to turn your lives into stand-up comedy.
00:43You are also in charge of who is winning tonight's episode.
00:48And you're going to choose that winner for one of our three very funny comedians.
00:51Let's talk to him right now.
00:53What's up, comedians?
00:54How y'all doing today?
00:56Yeah!
00:57Got to talk to you.
00:58What's up, Moshe?
00:58How are you, buddy?
00:59What's up, man?
01:00How are you?
01:00I'm fantastic.
01:01Great.
01:02You feeling good?
01:02You feeling right?
01:03Moshe, you've been doing stand-up for a very long time, some years now.
01:06Do you have, like, a favorite thing that you've ever heard during crowd work?
01:11I once asked people if anybody had a bad tattoo.
01:14Yeah.
01:15And a woman, she had, like, just a huge swastika on her neck.
01:18No, I'm just kidding.
01:20She had amoris fidelis on her arm, which is Latin for faithful love that she got in her husband's handwriting.
01:26Okay.
01:27And she cheated on him.
01:28I've always imagined, like, watching the amoris fidelis.
01:34Just watching?
01:35It was like, this is some faithful love right here.
01:37That's interesting.
01:38I went more romantic.
01:40Oh, fingers?
01:40And you went a little bit more hardcore.
01:41I'm going fancy.
01:42Yeah.
01:42Excited to see you play today.
01:44Thanks for being here, brother.
01:45My man, Ify.
01:46What's up, brother?
01:47How's it going?
01:47As the unofficial strongest man to ever appear on Dropout TV, I also know that you are probably
01:55one of the horniest men to appear on Dropout TV.
01:57Also free, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:59How easy is it going to be for you to bring everything that you say tonight into the land
02:03of the horny?
02:04Well, look, I mean, y'all asked a question about tattoos and started talking about fisting,
02:08so...
02:08I think, I think that's a, it's a layup.
02:12It's a layup.
02:13Leslie, what's up, girl?
02:15How you doing?
02:16I'm uncomfortable.
02:17That's fair.
02:18I would not like to talk about fisting this early.
02:23I'm sorry.
02:24Do you remember the first time you ever did crowd work?
02:26Did you like it?
02:27Did you hate it?
02:27I hated it.
02:29I did, the first time I did it at an open mic, I went to other comics who hated themselves.
02:34I was like, so, how long have you guys been together?
02:36They were like, don't look at me.
02:37It was very bad.
02:39I love it.
02:40Well, I'm so glad to have you here.
02:41Appreciate you.
02:42Good luck, you three.
02:43Have fun today.
02:44That's our comics, everybody.
02:48Proceed is proceeding, guys.
02:49I'm going to bring up a comic one by one on this stage to perform.
02:53It's pretty simple.
02:54They're going to try to make you laugh.
02:56They're going to talk to you.
02:57And they're going to do that until they get the red light.
03:01Ooh.
03:02I think it's time to do it.
03:03Are you guys ready for the show?
03:04Then please, welcome our first comic up to the stage, and welcome, Moshe Cashel!
03:14All right.
03:16Heck yeah.
03:17Man, I was excited about this, because crowd work is what I do, and then I got my call time.
03:22This is a career first doing crowd work at 6.45 in the morning to an audience I would say looks unbelievably polyamorous.
03:34It's crazy how poly, not you guys, but everybody else, I like the, uh, you guys are not poly?
03:44That's crazy.
03:44They let you get that haircut and you're not poly?
03:46I thought that was straight up illegal.
03:49How long have you been poly?
03:51Uh, for as long as I can remember.
03:53For as long as you can remember?
03:54Yeah.
03:54Like as a little girl?
03:55Like my diary entries were like...
03:57Were like, I'm going to invent polyamory someday?
04:01Wait, really?
04:02Yes.
04:02How old?
04:03Ten.
04:04Ten.
04:05I find monogamy to be a patriarchal structure.
04:09Damn, interesting.
04:10Are you a couple?
04:11Is this a couple?
04:12No.
04:12What's your, what's your name?
04:14Banush.
04:14What's it mean?
04:15Um, I don't know actually.
04:17You don't know what it means?
04:18We should look it up.
04:19Anybody got their phone on them?
04:21You know what?
04:22Fuck, yeah, do it.
04:22Fuck this, fuck this production.
04:25It might mean early polyamory of doctor.
04:29How do you spell it?
04:31F-A-R-N-O-S-H.
04:33F-A-R-N-O-S-H.
04:35A far way to go to nosh on something.
04:37Whoa, now you're speaking my language.
04:40Are you guys a couple?
04:41We are.
04:42Where'd you two meet?
04:43Uh, we met on Grindr.
04:46What's your name?
04:48My name is Regev.
04:49Regev?
04:50Regev.
04:50Regev, fanush?
04:52What's your name?
04:53Luke.
04:57I needed that, Luke.
05:00What does it mean?
05:01It means lantern.
05:02It fucking means lantern!
05:05And what's Regev mean?
05:08Um, it's a gathering of anything.
05:11It's kind of like Grindr a little bit.
05:14A gathering of most.
05:15And how long have the two of you been together?
05:17Uh, four years.
05:18Four years?
05:18What's your favorite thing about him?
05:20Uh, he's a big, huge teddy bear.
05:22Yeah.
05:22Yeah.
05:23That's my favorite thing about him, too.
05:24I'm 5'1", so he's 6'8", so he's just...
05:27No, I can tell you.
05:29You don't fist, you body.
05:30I like that.
05:32Guys, that might be the funniest thing you'll hear today.
05:35All right.
05:36And what's your name?
05:37Travis.
05:37Travis.
05:38Of course it is.
05:38That's fucking perfect.
05:40And, uh, and you are?
05:41I'm Dani.
05:42Together as well?
05:43Met 20 minutes ago.
05:43You're unbelievably well-matched.
05:45You belong together, straight up.
05:48Are you...
05:49Do you date women?
05:50Uh, yes.
05:50Are you a woman?
05:51Um, last time I checked, yes.
05:52Yeah.
05:52I would be down to check if you're interested in that.
05:55Most of all that.
05:56Okay, what are you looking for in a man?
05:57Considering I just got broken up with two days ago, I'm still figuring that out.
06:01What did you do wrong?
06:03I was emotional.
06:05You were emotional.
06:06I hate that.
06:07I hate that.
06:07Crazy.
06:08Right, boys?
06:08Yeah.
06:11Give it up one time for Moshe Kasher, everybody.
06:15Put your hands together for If You Want It Why, everybody!
06:20Uh, sorry about the breakup.
06:22You know, it's all good.
06:23Was your ex a fan of Dropout?
06:27I gave him my password and account, so when I get home, I do need to reset my password.
06:31We could make him jealous, you know?
06:32Yeah.
06:33You know, it's like, he will hate um, actually for the rest of his life.
06:37You know what I'm talking about?
06:39It's like my spidey senses start tingling when I find out someone's recently single.
06:43You know, that's the perfect, perfect thing for polyamorous men.
06:46It's like, oh, you want to forget about him for at least 15 minutes?
06:51Luke, how are you doing?
06:53Hey, Ify.
06:53Hey, how are you doing?
06:54You have, like, such a warm energy about you.
06:57Uh, yeah.
06:58Yeah, what do you do for work?
06:59I, uh, work?
07:01I fix printers.
07:02It's boring, but it pays the bills.
07:03Yeah, yeah.
07:04Okay.
07:04And is this your partner, right?
07:06Yes.
07:06Oh, nice.
07:07How long have you been together?
07:08Almost eight years.
07:09We're going to see if you can beat them.
07:11What's your favorite thing about Luke?
07:14You're not beating them.
07:16You're not beating them.
07:17You've actually lost.
07:20So you play Magic the Gathering as well?
07:21I really want to, and then I found out there's a flying shark.
07:24I don't think sharks should fly.
07:25That's my take.
07:29They're dangerous enough.
07:31They're dangerous enough.
07:32Keep them in the water.
07:33Uh, what's your name?
07:34Kashif.
07:34What do you like to do for fun?
07:36I'm getting into zines.
07:37Okay, and you're not polyamorous.
07:39I'm not.
07:40Okay, because that's zines is like, you know, chapter one.
07:42I'm really in it.
07:43Has it interested you in any way?
07:45I'm not, like, rearing to, like, organize schedules, meet more people, you know?
07:49Okay.
07:49Constantly stressed, but also constantly fucking.
07:54That's it for Izzy, everybody!
07:56Let's give it up for Leslie Leah, everybody!
08:01Okay.
08:02You guys better cheer more.
08:04I'm a woman, okay?
08:04You better fucking...
08:06That's what I thought!
08:12Who came solo?
08:14Oh, my God!
08:16Oh, my God!
08:17You all should fuck after this.
08:20Who needs dating apps, honestly?
08:21Then who's single?
08:23Oh, my God!
08:25Take your pick!
08:26Maybe, does anyone want to be set up?
08:28What are you, um, um, what are you looking for in a romantic situation?
08:32Something real freaky.
08:35Oh!
08:39Okay, so freaky, does that mean to you, like, exciting, spontaneous, unexpected, a certain
08:45dynamic?
08:45Do you want me to stop talking to you?
08:46All right.
08:47All right, that's a...
08:49Wow, wow, wow.
08:51First time ever in crowd work.
08:52She's like, you can move on.
08:53You can move on.
08:54I know I signed up for this, but I'd like you to stop.
08:56I'd like you to stop looking at me and talking to me and...
09:00Wait, don't move on, please.
09:02What do you mean by freaky?
09:03Yes.
09:04Are you comfortable sharing, like, one adjective?
09:08Yeah.
09:09Oh, oh, gosh.
09:10Hmm.
09:11What do you like, my guy?
09:12While she's thinking, what are you into?
09:14Uh, men.
09:16Oh.
09:21Okay.
09:22That's it for Leslie Live, everybody.
09:26Audience, will you please take off your top layers?
09:29Comics, what you are seeing right here are folks that are in front of you for a fascinating
09:35reason, and your job is to pick a shirt, read a shirt, and make us laugh.
09:41It's as simple as that, y'all.
09:43Are y'all ready for that?
09:44I'm talking to you guys.
09:45Are y'all ready for that?
09:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:47Iffy, get on up here, brother.
09:48Give it up for Iffy one of those times.
09:51I can tell by the boot.
09:54I can tell by the leather work is that stockroom.
09:57Keep it in.
09:58Give me a sponsorship.
09:59Stockroom, code Iffy at checkout.
10:01Now, uh, did I accurately assess you?
10:05That's what you do for work?
10:07Professional dominatrix?
10:08Okay.
10:09Uh, unfortunately, I'm a pleasure top.
10:11It's not gonna really, uh, work out unless we wanna boss each other around in a room.
10:16Just stare each other, do commands, and just brat each other out till we come.
10:21Uh, how long have you been doing it?
10:24Um, about two years now.
10:25And, and, and is business booming, uh, smacking, uh, thud, uh, thwacking, uh, I wanna go back
10:33to the porn PhD.
10:34What made you kind of go into that field?
10:36I used to work for Disney.
10:37Okay.
10:41So, Abby Sleeper, what's, what's, what's this?
10:44So, I almost slept through an 8.8 magnitude earthquake.
10:48What?
10:49Where'd you grow up?
10:51Uh, I kind of grew up all over the place.
10:53My dad's a dependent.
10:54You know, like, is he, is he a good one or a bad one?
10:57I mean, he told me, like, you can get away with, like, like, copyright infringement whenever
11:01you want.
11:02Wow.
11:02And, and, and Sam just let you in here.
11:04You're getting all this.
11:06Well, when drop-in TV comes out next year, you did this to yourself, Sam.
11:12So, uh, so what do you want?
11:14Ah!
11:14That's it for A-Fee, everybody!
11:17Moshe, get up on that stage!
11:19Man, this is the horniest show I've ever, I can't, I can't believe how horny this is.
11:26It's crazy.
11:27Uh, oh, and it occurred to me, you got broken up with.
11:30Yes.
11:30And we have, like, a rare opportunity, there's cameras everywhere.
11:32Are you down to say the guy's name?
11:34No.
11:34No.
11:35All right, give me one code word about him that he'll know and nobody else will.
11:38Uh, monkey.
11:44Monkey.
11:45On three, everybody.
11:46One, two, three.
11:48Fuck monkey!
11:49Fuck monkey actually describes this audience perfectly.
11:53You guys are a bunch of fuck monkeys.
11:55And I also, I can't believe that in the post-MeToo era, the concept for this show was, and then
12:01act two, everybody take your shirt off.
12:04Now, Tetris Champ, what's your, what's your top score?
12:06Uh, uh, relative to the version I play?
12:10That is the Tetris-est answer.
12:12Not even, well, relative to, well.
12:15Well, I play the NES ones.
12:16Yeah, duh.
12:17I know, you're not a nerd.
12:19Uh, my high score is 550,000.
12:22That sounds good.
12:24Yes, I would like to think so.
12:26I think relative, the high score is like.
12:28Honestly, no offense, I need to break this up.
12:32I'm kind of understanding what went wrong a little bit.
12:34I'm joking, I'm joking.
12:35I love everybody.
12:36Have you been bad?
12:37Will you tell me that I'm like a good little piggy?
12:40If you ask nicely?
12:42I feel like I.
12:43Ooh!
12:43Oh, yes!
12:52Like, mistress, if I do a really good riff, will you just say like, um, oh, will you
12:57say like, you're not funny and you never will be, you piglet?
13:00Something like that.
13:01Just from, just like kind of calling back my mom or whatever.
13:04Like, I would be, uh, what does Nerd for 200 mean?
13:08You were on Jeopardy.
13:09What else we got?
13:09I'm so fucking good at this guy's.
13:15Call out to Ify, because I was going to say, um, actually, I was on Jeopardy.
13:18Oh, you want to do a call out to another comedian during, yeah, that's fine.
13:23I don't feel disrespected by that at all.
13:25It's not, you know, you know how hard it is to do a show on a panel with a host of the
13:29network on it with you?
13:32Unless they're working from a deficit as we speak.
13:36What's a dragon boat caller?
13:38Um, think competitive 20-man canoeing and I scream obscenities to make you go faster.
13:44Oh, that's interesting.
13:45So we got kind of two doms here, but you're kind of more of a water dom.
13:49That's cool.
13:51What's an erotic chemist?
13:52Uh, so, uh, I'm an organic chemist by trade, but I do OnlyFans.
13:56Uh, so you're a horny chemist?
13:58I guess.
13:58Yeah.
13:59Well, that's interesting.
14:02And I assume you're a horny, lifelong deadhead?
14:06You, uh, you're young, though.
14:08How old are you?
14:08I'm 32.
14:09So you didn't see Jerry?
14:11I did see Jerry.
14:11You did?
14:12Four years of my life.
14:12No, I'm saying you didn't see Jerry.
14:15How old were you when you first went to a dead show?
14:17I was literally three months old.
14:19Oh, so your parents are bad parents.
14:21That's interesting.
14:22So you've been literal lifelong deadhead.
14:25Yeah.
14:26That's so cool.
14:26And what's your favorite thing about the dead?
14:29Drugs.
14:33It really is about the drugs for you.
14:35And are you horny at all?
14:38Yeah.
14:38Yeah.
14:41That's it for Moshe Kasher, everybody.
14:45Give it up for Leslie, everybody.
14:47Okay.
14:47Okay.
14:51I will say, uh, I wish, like, some weird guy who didn't have a shirt still took a shirt off.
14:57You know what I mean?
14:58Because, you know what I mean?
14:59Wait, I feel like we neglected.
15:00I don't want to forget.
15:01There's a fun crowd.
15:01Okay, there's a, there's a swan solo.
15:05It's supposed to be swam solo.
15:09Yes.
15:11What's the budget on this fucking production?
15:14Can you elaborate on what's the wordplay there?
15:16Um, I was dying, and I needed a liver transplant, and against all odds, my husband was a match.
15:22Whoa.
15:23Whoa.
15:24Oh, shit.
15:26Wait, so, and do you feel any different after she took your liver?
15:32She took a lobe of it, and she took the bigger lobe.
15:35So, you know, uh, wives in when we take, take, take, right?
15:39That's right, brother.
15:40Yeah.
15:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:42It's his fault he didn't realize what was happening when I asked him what his blood type was on our first date.
15:49Oh, she fucking conned you, motherfucker.
15:52She fucking conned you.
15:54She's like, random small, so what's your blood type?
15:56Just randomly, where are you from?
15:58What's your blood type?
16:00What is that?
16:01Drop out password sharers?
16:04Um, we shared passwords during probably the worst year of our lives independently, 2020, 2021,
16:11to cheer me up.
16:12He gave me his dropout login, and that ended up being something that kept us from losing our shit completely.
16:19Aw.
16:20What the?
16:21You guys said awe bigger to them?
16:27That's it for Leslie Love!
16:31So, you know what time it is.
16:33It's time to call the Yacht Rock King himself, Mr. Kenny Loggins,
16:37because our comics are about to enter into the danger zone.
16:41Will the remaining members of the audience please take off your top layer?
16:47Oh, what?
16:49Yes!
16:50Oh, that's not it.
16:52Oh, I forgot.
16:52What you see now, comics, are our members of the crowd that are our red flags.
17:01These people have more challenging or more dangerous subjects written on their shirts,
17:08and your job is to some way make them funny.
17:12She did so great to end our last round.
17:16Let's get her back up here to start our next round.
17:18For the final time tonight, Leslie Love, everybody!
17:22Okay, thank you.
17:24Are we done after this?
17:25Can I?
17:27I haven't really eaten today.
17:28Uh, fuck.
17:29Okay, um, okay.
17:31I want to do, we got to do this.
17:33COVID coma, let's go.
17:34What say you?
17:35COVID coma.
17:36I was in the hospital for three months at the very beginning of the pandemic from COVID.
17:42Most of that time was spent in a medically induced coma.
17:45I was intubated.
17:46And, uh, yeah, I had insane coma dreams.
17:50Like, like what?
17:51Like what kind of dreams?
17:52Yeah, I dreamt I was an astronaut in space,
17:54and I was communicating with concert goers that were at Farm Aid.
17:56Um, and then there's the most prominent one where I dreamt that I was a lunar space whale.
18:04Like, uh, the wind fish.
18:06Oh, is that a D&D character?
18:07Is that, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
18:09So you dreamed you were that.
18:11I dreamed I was that.
18:12I'm jealous.
18:14That sounds fucking rad.
18:16You had a three-month nap that was covered by, hopefully.
18:21Um, so the insurance made a mistake.
18:24Okay, what did they do?
18:25Um, the hospital called me, and they're like,
18:30your insurance didn't go through.
18:31I'm like, what are you talking about?
18:32That doesn't make sense.
18:33Yeah, okay.
18:33I'm like, okay, well, what's the damage?
18:36It's close to a million dollars.
18:38Oh!
18:39What the f-
18:40So I called my husband.
18:42He had a mini heart attack.
18:43And now he's in the hospital.
18:45And now you guys are-
18:46Fuck.
18:47Why don't we do a D&D fundraiser tournament?
18:50How about that?
18:51How about that?
18:53Wait, one more.
18:54Bummer birthday.
18:55Can we do a bummer birthday?
18:56Yeah, uh, my birthday's on 9-11.
19:00It's just, like, rough, like, growing up Muslim, you can never have a birthday party.
19:04Oh.
19:05Because that's a bad, that's a bad look.
19:07Look, yeah.
19:07You know, racism-wise.
19:09Yeah, racism-wise.
19:10You just, like, can't do it.
19:11Racism-wise.
19:12You can't buy cupcakes for your 9-11 party.
19:14You know what?
19:15Says who.
19:16Says who.
19:18Buy them.
19:21Now it's, like, less awkward because it was really awkward for a while.
19:23Like, people don't know how to react because it's, like, so they default to, like, telling,
19:28like, pointing it out.
19:28Like, I don't know what 9-11 was.
19:30So people on your birthday just come up to you and remind you of 9-11?
19:36Is that how they wish you a happy birthday?
19:39Hey, hey, hey, fun fact.
19:41Actually, like, what?
19:43So before, um, the 9-11.
19:45Yeah, technically on the day I missed my birthday, or, like, I missed 9-11, technically.
19:49You missed, wait, wait, what?
19:51That's a very suspicious thing to say.
19:54I wasn't there.
19:54And that's an incredibly poorly worded thing.
19:57I missed 9-11.
19:59Like, you're supposed to be a part of it.
20:01You know what I mean?
20:01You're like, I didn't get the text.
20:04How did you guys know what time to show up?
20:06I was celebrating my birthday.
20:09You guys, like, on 9-11, let's all meet right here.
20:16That's Leslie Lowe, everybody.
20:18Yes.
20:20Giving over Moshe Kasher.
20:24Near-death life.
20:25What's that mean?
20:27So, um, I've had five near-death accidents.
20:29Whoa, break it down quick.
20:31I don't have a lot of time.
20:32Go.
20:32Two were car accidents, one as a pedestrian, one in the car, one was drowning, one was
20:38electrocution, and one was falling off a cliff.
20:41Whoa.
20:42You know what they say about lightning, though, with the electrocution.
20:47Now, what was the scariest one?
20:49Oh, definitely hanging off a cliff.
20:50What happened?
20:51Um, so, me and my sister are walking along the cliff overlooking the sea, just hiking.
20:55If I'm you and I have your life experience, I'm not really, like, dabbling with cliffs.
21:01I'm going to be like, you know what?
21:02I'm not the guy, actually.
21:04You know, somebody else maybe is going to want to do cliffs.
21:07So, you slide off?
21:09Yes, I just fall off.
21:11Yeah.
21:11And it's just like in the cartoons, there's a branch hanging out.
21:15Sure.
21:15And I grab on and I'm hanging 50, 75 feet above something.
21:18And just like in the cartoons, like, your villain comes along with a thing from Acme Company and sort of cranks down.
21:24How did you get, how did you live?
21:26Why are you alive, I should say?
21:29Combine providence, I guess.
21:31Do you believe in God?
21:32Uh, I should at this point.
21:37Let's see, there's a homewrecker here.
21:39There's a future homewrecker right here as well.
21:41Failed assassin?
21:42Did you try to kill someone?
21:43I got tackled by Secret Service because I passed out in front of Bush Sr.
21:48I get it, though.
21:49When you see something that sexual, it's hard to stay conscious.
21:53Oh, is that HW?
21:57They thought you were trying to kill him, but you were just...
21:59You're not allowed to lose consciousness in front of a president.
22:01Oh, we all know that.
22:03Even fucking Leslie knows that.
22:06All right, one more question.
22:07Are you in a cult or do you lead a cult?
22:09Um, I have narrowly escaped many cults.
22:12What's the best one?
22:13Um, next to it's Mormonism and the Church of Scientology.
22:17You were a Scientologist?
22:18No, my uncle was a very high-level Scientologist.
22:21Well, we're here in Hollywood and I just want to say I've got no problem with the Scientology.
22:26I think they're okay people.
22:28That's it for Motion Casher, everybody!
22:31For the last time tonight, welcome everyone away!
22:37All right, uh, trips to Neverland.
22:40Uh, Stranded at Sea.
22:42Okay, let's connect some dots here.
22:45What happened there?
22:46Uh, we were teenagers and decided to go tubing during a hurricane.
22:50Uh...
22:51So did you see the movie Perfect Storm and was like, we could do that?
22:55A little bit, yeah.
22:56Okay, yes.
22:57So you knew, like, you purposely were like, this is a hurricane, we want to go tubing.
23:02The waves look great, yes.
23:04How old?
23:05Uh, 15.
23:06Okay, yeah, that's a 15-year-old idea.
23:09So, yeah, what happened?
23:10We, uh, hit a wave and came down, the engine just cut.
23:13Um, and then we kept kind of floating further and further away and the buildings got smaller
23:18and smaller off the gulf.
23:20Um, we called the Coast Guard, they said, nah.
23:23And then, uh, we called for, like, a towing company, we said, it's too rough.
23:27Uh, so we called our friend's mom, who was hammered at this point.
23:30Um, and so she grabbed the other boat to come get us.
23:33Look, a wine mom can do anything, so, now that shows you.
23:38Yeah, yeah, so why are you a bad driver?
23:40So, I came back from the, uh, Church of Cannabis in Denver, Colorado.
23:45And on my way driving back to my friend's house, I clipped three times into a ditch.
23:49No!
23:51Yeah, okay.
23:53Um, and so, uh, you know.
23:58Like, do you believe in God?
24:00I tell the story, I say it was the best day of my life.
24:05So, what did your insurance think?
24:07So, because I was only 19, and it was a rental car, covered the whole thing.
24:11You know, you and me, we make responsible decisions.
24:14Uh, you know, uh, we're talking, like, ayahuasca, you were doing, okay.
24:19Weed.
24:20Just, just weed?
24:21That's not a psychedelic?
24:23Okay, weed and shrooms.
24:25Um, actually, it is a psychedelic.
24:27I'm not, this ain't about you, it's about us.
24:34You know, like, you know, like, it's like, that's where we're going.
24:37Like, shout out to you, but, you know, we got, like, you know, the electricity, that's why I came down here.
24:43I'm calling you to the cemetery.
24:44That's it for everyone, everybody, everybody.
24:53I want to play a little game that I like to call Build Me Up Buttercup.
24:58Here's how this game is going to work.
25:00Our comments are going to come up here one by one, and no matter what you say, they have to put a positive spin on it.
25:06No matter what you say, I don't care if you've murdered 15 people.
25:12They have to make it positive.
25:14It's as simple as that.
25:15Are you guys ready for Build Me Up Buttercup?
25:17Yes.
25:18Let's build them up.
25:19Get your ass on stage.
25:20You're rock and roll, brother.
25:21Have a good time.
25:25You're collecting gnomes.
25:26Big beard.
25:27Big hat.
25:28Big hat.
25:29Red or green or blue.
25:31Yes, you're red or green.
25:32Has to be white.
25:33No.
25:34I mean, that's a traditional gnome.
25:36That's a traditional gnome.
25:38That's a traditional gnome.
25:41Ideally, you can't see their skin.
25:42Okay.
25:44So a gnome that doesn't see race.
25:46Okay.
25:47Got it.
25:47You know, and that's looking to the future, because as we all meld our races together, you know, we will be unified for once.
25:56To your credit, though, a person that says, I don't see race, is a white person.
25:59Always.
26:02True.
26:03True.
26:03But yeah, no, these gnomes are good.
26:05How many total do you have in your collection?
26:08So gnomes are traditionally like protectors of the hearth and home.
26:11They're like...
26:12Yeah.
26:13I genuinely think that you're positive, but you know, I sleep with too many witches to not.
26:20I give it up for everyone away, everybody.
26:23That is it.
26:25Let's take us home and let's build us a buttercup.
26:27Leslie Lauer, everybody.
26:29Yes.
26:29This is...
26:33This will be the hardest challenge for me.
26:38Well, yeah, some of you...
26:39Okay, you have a shirt on.
26:41Dungeons and Doctors.
26:42I've broken two bones playing Dungeons and Dragons.
26:45Well, she's putting her positive spin on it.
26:50She loves it.
26:52She loves it for some reason.
26:54She loves your pain.
26:56How you've explained this magical game to me is it's a computer game.
27:00Oh, is it?
27:02Is it not?
27:03Don't...
27:03Everyone, don't throw anything.
27:05Don't throw anything.
27:06So you broke two bones.
27:08Yes.
27:09So the first time I leaned over to point something out on the map and I went to sit down and the
27:14chair shot out from behind me and I just booty slammed the ground and cracked my tailbone.
27:20What?
27:20Yeah.
27:21Now, do you think you're better at sitting down?
27:28You know what I think?
27:29You know what I think?
27:31You're the best sitter in this fucking room and no one can sit better.
27:35You know what?
27:36Get up.
27:36Show us.
27:37Show us how you do it.
27:38Show us.
27:38Look at her posture.
27:40Nailed it, dude.
27:42Nailed it, dude.
27:46Look at that.
27:48That's it for Leslie Lauer, everybody.
27:50Moshe, get up on the stage and build us up a buttercup, my friend.
27:58My man.
27:59It's going to be easy.
28:00You guys are awesome.
28:01I like you guys.
28:02All right, forget it.
28:04Wait, no, no, no, forget it.
28:06But build you up.
28:07You are awesome.
28:08And honestly, I trust you guys.
28:10Like, I do.
28:11I do.
28:12First of all, just I relate to you all as being so unbelievably sexual.
28:16Like, to me, that's sort of how I am living.
28:19And I'm living very vicariously through Ify, who I do think is going to get laid from this
28:23show.
28:23And it's just like, I would trust you guys with my future.
28:30Like, straight up.
28:30Like, if you.
28:32If you.
28:32What is your name?
28:33Wade.
28:34A Wade.
28:34If a Wade were to predict that the world's ending and we needed to escape, I feel that
28:41we could restart society with only the elements we've got here today.
28:45We're enough.
28:46We are enough.
28:46We're going to need a charismatic leader, obviously.
28:49I nominate myself.
28:50But we're going to need a way out.
28:52And we've got Sailor Boy right there who's going to load up the ship and say, right this
28:56way.
28:56We're going to need to repopulate this universe.
29:00And I think we know who's going to lead the fucking charge.
29:03It's definitely going to be Miss Dominatrix here telling us all that we need to get to
29:07business.
29:07It's going to be traumatic.
29:09Tetris.
29:09One of the greatest ways to erase trauma is to play Tetris immediately afterwards.
29:13So as we look back on shore and see all of society burning, Tetris is going to be playing
29:17with us and we're going to be wiping these memories from our very minds.
29:21I think that that's going to be enough.
29:22We're going to need party favors because it's going to get boring on the high seas.
29:25Am I right, Sailor Boy?
29:26Yeah.
29:27This is a drug addict, you guys.
29:30This is an absolute provider.
29:32From age three months old, he's going to be bringing it.
29:35And if he runs out of drugs, it's fine because we're going to be able to smoke your body.
29:40Eventually, people are going to get sick.
29:41We're going to get scurvy and limes and we're going to need help.
29:44That's fine.
29:45We've got a full organ donator that we can repurpose every single one and you can stay.
29:50At any rate, eventually, we will see a new shore.
29:53We will go across the Pacific and we will see that there is land on the other side.
29:58But there's people there because somehow there was one area, one large island where they
30:04did not experience the end of society.
30:06And we're going to be scared as we pull up to the shores of that island.
30:10And we're going to be thinking about the people we've lost.
30:12And we'll just be one, two, three, four as we come closer to shore.
30:16And we're going to see them on that shore and be so terrified that we won't be able to
30:20communicate with these new people.
30:21But that's okay.
30:22Because my man, the Japanese translator, will step to the bow of the ship and say hello.
30:28That's it for Moshe Kasher, everybody.
30:33Will our comics please join me right back up here on stage?
30:37All three of you.
30:39You all are going to choose a winner by a round of applause.
30:43The loudest person you clap for is going to win the game.
30:46So get your juices ready, make some noise, and find out if you think the winner of tonight's
30:52episode is Leslie Lyle.
31:00How about Ify Wadaway?
31:03Or is our winner of tonight's episode, Moshe Kasher?
31:15The winner of tonight's episode of Crowd Control is none other than Leslie Lyle!
31:24You have won our golden drink ticket!
31:27That golden drink ticket is eligible for a drink at our world-renowned bar, which is
31:37now closed.
31:39And that means that is last call for us here at Crowd Control.
31:44I'm your host, Jacquees Neal.
31:45Reminding you all, tip your bartenders, drive home safe, and really, if it ain't broke, it's
31:52not a comic.
31:53Good night, everybody!
31:55Thank you!
31:57Yeah, we're going to circle back on your dad.
31:59Dad, your dad's bad?
32:01Dad's a good guy.
32:02His politics are bad.
32:03Okay, sounds like dad's bad.
32:07Good job.
32:11Probably the least horny person in the room is me.
32:14Couldn't be drier.
32:15Couldn't be drier.
32:18You guys are a very D&D-heavy crowd, right?
32:21And Sailor Boy is over there living a real fucking campaign, you guys.
32:25That's an actual, he lived it!
32:27That was a thing.
32:29Yes, yes, yes.
32:29My man.
32:30That was a thing.
32:32Yes, yes, yes.
32:34My man.
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