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Crowd Control (2025) Season 1 Episode 4
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00:00Welcome to Crowd Control, the improvised stand-up show where the audience is the material.
00:08On tonight's lineup, from lower-classy, middle-classy, and now upper-classy, it's Cristela Alonzo.
00:16From Platonic on Apple TV+, it's Guy Branagh.
00:21Her special, Father, is now on Hulu and Disney+, it's Atsuko Okatsuka.
00:26And here's your host, Jacquees Neal.
00:33What up, what up, what up, what up?
00:36What's up, everybody?
00:39Welcome to Crowd Control.
00:42Tonight, I have three of my favorite comedians here to turn your lives into stand-up comedy.
00:49And they're gonna do that by doing some good old-fashioned crowd work.
00:53Let's say what's up to them.
00:54What's up, you three? How y'all doing?
00:56Yeah! Yeah!
01:02Cristela Alonzo, easy question.
01:04Yes.
01:05Best crowd ever. Go.
01:06Right now.
01:07Damn.
01:09What's up, Guy? How you doing tonight?
01:11I'm doing all right.
01:12You're doing all right.
01:14Yeah.
01:14I'm keeping my energy at a low-medium level.
01:16Right there?
01:17So that I meet the crowd where they are.
01:19There you go!
01:20Atz-Ko!
01:27Yeah!
01:28Yeah!
01:29Oh...
01:29Man!
01:30Atz-Ko, you were all over the place.
01:32I saw you on like a...
01:33A granola bar.
01:34There it is.
01:35There it is.
01:36Yes, Granola!
01:37Yes, can you?
01:38Yeah.
01:38I feel like I'm on Price is Right.
01:40Everything's like, yes, people are right.
01:43Excited to have you.
01:44Have fun.
01:45Good luck to all three of you guys.
01:46These are our comedians.
01:50I think it's time for them to meet you all.
01:53I am going to bring each comic up here one by one.
01:56And each round throughout this show,
01:58they are going to go until I give them the red light.
02:03Bam.
02:05I just saw how I impressed you look.
02:07You looked at me.
02:08So, put your hands together.
02:11Get loud, everybody.
02:12And welcome to the stage, Cristela Alonzo!
02:18Oh, my God.
02:21Oh, my God.
02:22You guys almost look like a great crowd.
02:26Can I just say, I love your lumberjack vibe.
02:29Do we lumberjack at all?
02:30I am a project manager.
02:33That's a great way of saying what.
02:35Like, that's not even an answer.
02:37Like, what industry?
02:39I mean, it's engineers.
02:40You know that I've actually dated a lot of engineers.
02:43They're so my type.
02:45Do you know?
02:46We're married.
02:47I love it because you, both of you, look like you're a couple.
02:51Like, like a quarter of the Wiggles.
02:53You know?
02:54Like, I love your Crayola vibe.
02:56You're just like, like, I see both of you,
02:59and I want to learn numbers and shapes.
03:01Like, you know what I mean?
03:02It's like fantastic.
03:04How did you meet?
03:05We played board games.
03:07Oh, my God.
03:08I'm a board game person.
03:10What's the game?
03:11What game brought you together, and you're like,
03:13oh, my God, this is the guy?
03:15Star Wars Imperial Assaults.
03:21Oh, my God.
03:23Stop bragging about how cool you are.
03:26So what happened?
03:27Tell me about it.
03:28Well, I was married to someone else at the time.
03:30Whoa!
03:31Oh!
03:32Oh!
03:33We're going into the dark side.
03:36So you were married, so you're Darth Vader.
03:39More like my Han Solo, but my ex-husband's Darth Vader.
03:42Oh, my God.
03:45So is anybody here miserably single?
03:48Anybody?
03:50How long have you been single?
03:52Unless you count a situationship, like four years.
03:56What made you say no to the situationship?
03:58Like, it made sense because he had, like, three and a half jobs,
04:01but also at the time that we...
04:02Wait, how do you have three and a half jobs?
04:05The half is, like, his art stuff that he does,
04:07and the other stuff is he, like, works at an art store.
04:10Anyway, it doesn't matter.
04:11Oh, the man stringing you along works in an art store?
04:14We're all shocked.
04:18And that's a full job.
04:20Are you the one that ended it?
04:21Uh, yeah, because I was like,
04:23I can't keep doing this to myself.
04:24But you keep going back.
04:26Leave me alone.
04:29Christella, everybody.
04:30That's Christella.
04:31Make some noise for Kei Brandon!
04:42It's stuck.
04:43Young man, what is your name?
04:45Sam.
04:45Sam, I am uncomfortable with the rosiness level of your cheeks.
04:48I'm so sorry.
04:49This morning, you were clearly like,
04:51let me put on the teal.
04:52Let's turn these cheeks into headlights.
04:54Sam, do you have a medical condition?
04:58Is there something we should know?
04:59I'm not used to seeing this level of cheek rosiness on anyone
05:02who isn't, like, a little girl with pigtails skipping.
05:05Um, I'm from the Midwest and I'm wearing Spanx.
05:08You are a homosexual, right?
05:11Thank God!
05:12Those cheeks would have been wasted on a straight man.
05:15There's nothing more tragic than when there's, like,
05:17a straight guy and he's, like, 5'8 and has beautiful eyes.
05:20And you're like,
05:21oh, I'm so sorry because women don't respect you,
05:24but you could be a king in my world.
05:25Young man, what is your name?
05:29Mike.
05:29Mike, you appear to not be having a wonderful time.
05:32Everyone else here is very energetic and enthusiastic.
05:35You're clearly just desperate for someone to pay attention to you.
05:38You're clearly like, let me seem mysterious,
05:41then they'll talk to me.
05:42And Sam, let me say, it's working.
05:47You have a lot of hand and wrist jewelry.
05:49I do.
05:50What's your name?
05:51Sid.
05:51Sid, you have very light hands.
05:53Are you concerned that they might just, like, float up
05:55and you need to weigh them down to some extent?
05:57I think part of my blood might be helium.
06:00You think part of your blood?
06:01That doesn't seem like a sincere problem to me.
06:04That seems like something you made of,
06:06do we have scientists here?
06:08What is your name?
06:10My name is Roger.
06:11Roger, are you a scientist?
06:13Studying, yeah.
06:14Roger, I called for a scientist in the house
06:16and you quite, no, it's too late.
06:21And this lady is obviously a scientist
06:23who has time traveled from the 40s
06:24where she was working on the Manhattan Project
06:27and accidentally got caught up in an electrical charge
06:30and transported to the year 2025
06:32where she has to find a way out.
06:34But then she falls in love with someone
06:36and is like, do I want to go back to the 40s?
06:40What kind of scientist are you?
06:43I'm studying to be an environmental scientist.
06:45Is there any likelihood that part of this woman's blood
06:48is helium?
06:49Not legs.
06:49Then we're good.
06:50What is your name?
06:52Derek.
06:53Derek, what are you doing
06:55when confronting male pattern baldness?
06:57Oh, I'm embracing it.
06:58You're embracing it?
06:59Yeah.
06:59That's beautiful.
07:00I was concerned that he would be uncomfortable
07:01and I would have to remind him
07:03that this is a path that I have already gone through.
07:05I am already out on the other side
07:07and I want to say, our lives are simpler.
07:09Our lives are gentler.
07:11She wakes up in the morning,
07:12she's got a job ahead of her.
07:14We just got our days, you know?
07:17I can do anything.
07:18She's got to be curling and setting
07:20and God knows what products from the 40s
07:22you can't get now.
07:25Hello.
07:26Hello.
07:27What is your name?
07:28A.E.
07:29A.E., I love your top.
07:30It's very colorful,
07:31but you have the rainbow wrists
07:33and the rainbow hood
07:34and the rest of it is not rainbow
07:35and I wanted to know
07:36if only your head and wrists are gay.
07:39I mean, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Friday.
07:42Okay.
07:43Sam, here's what A.E. did right,
07:45here's what A.E. did wrong.
07:46All right?
07:48I asked the question
07:50and A.E. let it sit, okay?
07:53A.E. let there be a moment of drama
07:55and concern.
07:56We all wanted to know what was going on
07:58and then A.E. attempted to do,
08:00let's be honest, material.
08:02At a crowd work show, A.E.
08:04That's Guy Branham, everybody.
08:06Thank you so much.
08:07Thank you so much.
08:07Please welcome to the stage,
08:13Otsuko!
08:13Hello, beautifuls.
08:23Hello.
08:24I'm a different energy.
08:26I don't do this.
08:29I don't do this.
08:30You know, but I was feeling you all out.
08:31I was watching.
08:32I was like, this is a group of people
08:33that are very, you know, self-assured.
08:36You know yourself so well, right?
08:38No problem, right?
08:39These are the group of friends
08:41that I need, you know?
08:43It's very, you're giving very
08:44submissive energy.
08:47Very sub, very dom-me, dom-me
08:49energy is what I'm getting.
08:51And what's well,
08:52that's my energy too.
08:54And so it's very,
08:56I mean, it's sub on sub.
08:57I don't know.
08:58Usually, right?
08:59We repel, we will, like, you know,
09:03we repel against each other,
09:04so I don't know how this is gonna go, right?
09:07Well, unless, are there any, like,
09:09self-proclaimed doms in here?
09:13Sorry, I was looking one way,
09:14and I was looking at you, okay,
09:17just because, I don't know
09:18if it was a septum piercing, maybe.
09:21What makes you that, I guess?
09:23I'm just more dominant in general,
09:25like dating, sex, like, that's just...
09:28Oh, okay.
09:29Yeah, yeah.
09:30And the way you said it
09:32in such a calm way,
09:33it was pretty, pretty frightening.
09:36I was, I would...
09:38Who has a thought?
09:42Oh, yes, yes, thought.
09:45Well, when I learned how to swim
09:47in high school,
09:48and I learned by joining the swim team.
09:51So, how does your school work?
09:53How does that team work?
09:54Well, I think we were really bad,
09:56and they were...
09:57And they were like,
09:59oh, okay, so, Stephanie,
10:01swim a 50.
10:02And I said,
10:03I don't know what that means.
10:04And they said,
10:05just swim there and then back.
10:06And I said,
10:06I don't know how to swim.
10:08Wow.
10:08And then they said, oh.
10:10They said, you...
10:11Varsity, bitch.
10:14Okay?
10:14I love that.
10:15I love an all-is-welcome situation.
10:18What was the motivation
10:19for you to join such a team?
10:22I really just wanted
10:24to learn how to swim.
10:25Oh, I see, right.
10:26And so you were like,
10:27if with enough pressure...
10:28I love a forced learner.
10:33Someone else had a thought.
10:34Yes?
10:34I like your nails.
10:36Oh, thank you so much.
10:36I have shrimp on my nails.
10:38I have pizza on my nails.
10:39See?
10:40I love all this situation.
10:41Am I doing this right?
10:42What do you do?
10:50I'll ask that question.
10:51I'm a teacher.
10:52Oh, incredible.
10:52What do you teach?
10:53Yes, teacher.
10:56Yes, teacher.
10:57I teach music.
10:59So you know multiple instruments?
11:01Yeah.
11:01Right?
11:02What would you say
11:03is your main one?
11:04Percussion.
11:05So any percussion,
11:06I can go,
11:07maracas, go.
11:08And you would be able to?
11:09Yeah.
11:10Oh, incredible.
11:11And what do you do?
11:13I'm actually also a teacher.
11:16The energy.
11:18Wow.
11:18And what do you teach?
11:19I'm a traveling sex education teacher.
11:22Oh, wow.
11:24Wow.
11:27Hey.
11:28Hey.
11:28He's still here.
11:30Okay.
11:31Corny energy.
11:32Ah, sex.
11:35Music matters, too.
11:37That's Asuka!
11:39Yay!
11:42How did our comics do?
11:44How did our comics do right there?
11:47Yeah.
11:47Yeah.
11:48I think they did fantastic.
11:50And they've earned a little something.
11:53Audience, remove your top layer.
11:57There it is.
11:59Taking it all.
12:01Comics, what you are seeing in front of you
12:03are folks that are here
12:05for a very fascinating reason.
12:08All you gotta do
12:09is pick a shirt
12:10and make us laugh.
12:12It's as simple as that.
12:13Atsuko!
12:14Get on stage
12:14and rock and roll!
12:21Oh, my goodness.
12:22Okay.
12:22I like this.
12:24I like this.
12:24Friday.
12:25Reading.
12:25Octopus Fight Club.
12:26I'm just gonna read some of them out loud
12:28so you know
12:29who you're amongst.
12:30Okay?
12:31Disney awakening.
12:32Ooh.
12:32See?
12:33You are horny.
12:34This is all bone crusher.
12:36Come on.
12:37Okay?
12:38Calm down.
12:39How quickly you took off your shirts.
12:41You're like,
12:41yes!
12:44Rosie Cushion.
12:45What is a Rosie Cushion?
12:47Technically speaking,
12:48I am a member of a secret society.
12:50Not so secret anymore.
12:52Camera there.
12:53Camera there.
12:53Camera there.
12:54Camera there.
12:54Please expose yourself.
12:56It's a nationwide.
12:57It's kind of like a, um, um...
12:59I don't feel like
13:00you have to be much of a secret.
13:01No.
13:02I mean, I feel like it's pretty, right?
13:03It's pretty chill.
13:04Unless there are crimes.
13:05You know, I don't know.
13:07There are things that I can't say,
13:09hence secret society.
13:10Okay, she's a criminal.
13:13There are crimes.
13:15Okay, uh, speaking of,
13:16there's a cult sampler.
13:18Basically, I did freelance work
13:20for cults three times by accident.
13:23Oh.
13:23We've all been there.
13:24You know, this thing.
13:26Actually, the rent?
13:28With this economy?
13:29Oh my gosh, right?
13:31What was it?
13:31Just background work for Scientology?
13:34Well, yes.
13:34Oh.
13:35Seriously.
13:36Seriously.
13:37We've all been there.
13:38Okay?
13:39Oh.
13:42Extreme dental?
13:44It's like regular dental,
13:45but on a snowboard.
13:48Is it like that?
13:49Is that extreme dental?
13:51I wish.
13:52What happened with extreme dental?
13:54Uh, I got my wisdom teeth out
13:56while fully conscious.
13:57Is that not how they
13:58specifically do it?
14:00Because you did the same?
14:02Yeah.
14:02Oh.
14:03Are we at the same dental office?
14:05Is it Pasadena?
14:07Exactly.
14:08Okay.
14:09If it's in Pasadena,
14:10it might be the one I went to.
14:11Oh, that's okay.
14:12How do I do that?
14:13Wow.
14:14Wow.
14:15Hey.
14:15Thank you for supporting
14:17Asian Americans
14:18in the arts.
14:23Oh, for the love of Dils.
14:25Show me for the love of Dils.
14:27Yeah!
14:29How many?
14:30How many Dils?
14:30There were like eight in the house.
14:32Which house?
14:32It was this, um,
14:35mansion in Fort Lauderdale.
14:38Mm-hmm.
14:38Yes.
14:39Yes, we love.
14:40He's got a small business.
14:44Me and Guy Brennan
14:44have a lot of demographic there.
14:46It was a TV show.
14:48Are you going to keep answering
14:49in just two words at a time?
14:53How's it Fort Lauderdale?
14:59It was a TV show.
15:02There were eight of them.
15:13Dils, yeah.
15:15So the show works like
15:17you go into a house
15:18and then there are
15:19multiple Dils to choose from
15:21and were you like,
15:22were you, are you like
15:22the Bachelorette?
15:23Is that how it works?
15:25Is that?
15:26I wish.
15:27Okay.
15:27There were like
15:28eight daddies
15:29and then eight himbos.
15:31I was a himbo.
15:32Okay, got it.
15:32And Stormy Daniels
15:33was the host.
15:34But how did it work out
15:35for you?
15:36Oh, I was eliminated first.
15:37You were?
15:39Now, that's,
15:40can you tell us
15:41why you got kicked off first?
15:42I caused a lot of drama.
15:43You did?
15:44Oh, oh, yeah.
15:46Okay.
15:47It wasn't the villain.
15:48I was likable.
15:49I just tried to break up everybody.
15:50No, sweetie,
15:51we know villains
15:52stayed the whole season.
15:53Okay?
15:54Villains.
15:55That's Otsuka, everybody.
16:01Let's keep this going
16:03for
16:04Ken Brady.
16:13What is your name?
16:14Phoenix.
16:15Of course it is Phoenix.
16:18Phoenix, first of all,
16:19let's be clear.
16:20I am not flirting with you.
16:21I do not identify as a dilf.
16:22I am an oomph,
16:23an uncle I might pity.
16:26But first of all, Phoenix,
16:27I want to say
16:27you're amazing
16:28at the audience part
16:29of crowd work.
16:31Phoenix always leaves you
16:32wanting more,
16:33always leaving you
16:34with a question,
16:35a shadow
16:36you want to investigate.
16:37The rest of you
16:38are just vomiting out
16:39your sad,
16:40pathetic lives.
16:41We all had our wisdom teeth
16:43out without
16:43general anesthesia.
16:45It's not an appendix.
16:49But Phoenix,
16:49you've built a mystery
16:50and I'm so proud of you
16:51and I wonder
16:52how someone so smart
16:53could be so dumb
16:54about the general work
16:55of finding yourself
16:56a sugar daddy.
16:57This is Los Angeles.
16:59Just go to Fiesta
16:59and take your shirt off.
17:01There are many men there
17:02who could provide you
17:03with a nice living.
17:04I work across the street.
17:05I'm not surprised.
17:06How sad were you
17:12when you pulled off
17:13your little overcoats
17:15and things
17:16and you had already told
17:17your whole fucking
17:18board game couple story
17:20and there are two of you
17:22and you have the same
17:22fucking shirt.
17:23You have nothing.
17:25You have blown your load.
17:28Mystery.
17:31Pageant theme,
17:32what is your name?
17:33Joe.
17:34Joe,
17:34I had such hope for you
17:37because here in the front
17:39it's just jewel-eyed twinks
17:41as far as the eye can see.
17:44And I thought
17:45maybe there is one
17:46with some reproductive capability
17:48that we can pair
17:49with the woman from the past.
17:52Are you of the
17:53heterosexual persuasion?
17:54I'm not, no.
17:55No, so what kind of a pageant
17:57were you in?
17:57Also, please be brief.
17:59I'm not here for your life story.
18:01I'm here for a setup
18:02so I can be funny about it.
18:04I compete in gay male pageants.
18:06I mean, I think all of being
18:07a gay male is a pageant.
18:09Have you seen Phoenix?
18:13There's no off position
18:14and she's not looking
18:16for Miss Congeniality.
18:18Have you been successful?
18:20Uh, somewhat.
18:21Okay, what, tell us the titles
18:24that you have.
18:24But again, he did the right job.
18:26He created a sense of mystery
18:27by saying somewhat
18:28and forcing me to lean in.
18:30Um, I am ultimately
18:33still hitting on that guy.
18:34But I'm just talking to you
18:37so he'll say,
18:37why aren't I interesting enough anymore?
18:39So I was first alternate
18:41to Mr. Gay California.
18:42The loser.
18:42You were a noteworthy loser
18:44of Mr. Gay California.
18:46Correct.
18:46Do you ever consider
18:47just like, you know,
18:49Mr. Gay California
18:50has an accident
18:51and then you get
18:51to take over the role?
18:53Lots of things can happen
18:54to a gay guy.
18:55Oops, there was something
18:56in his ketamine.
18:57You know?
18:59So I have a question
19:00for you then.
19:01Uh, if we now know this
19:02about you,
19:03why are you still wearing
19:03your shirt?
19:04I can take it off.
19:05Yes, let's do that.
19:09Work from the bottom.
19:11Work from the bottom.
19:16Look at our brand of queens.
19:20I want to say thank you
19:21for not wearing a belt
19:22because nothing says
19:23I have an ass
19:23that can hold up my pants.
19:27Phoenix, you committed
19:28to those pants?
19:31We'll just see
19:32how the evening takes us.
19:33I think you either get
19:35that hair
19:36or Octopus Fight Club.
19:37Not both.
19:39What is your
19:39Octopus Fight Club?
19:40Um, so in grad school
19:41I need money.
19:42As we all did.
19:43As we all did.
19:45And so Joe
19:45got into pageants.
19:47And I got into, uh,
19:49making octopuses
19:50and moray eels interact.
19:53Oh, wow.
19:54So cross-species action?
19:57Everyone leave the room
19:58except for Phoenix.
19:59That's got a bread on there.
20:01How about we keep
20:06this thing going
20:07for
20:07Cristela Alonso!
20:13You know,
20:14I'm already catching,
20:15let's see,
20:16Colt Sampler,
20:16we talked to you,
20:17but, like,
20:18I'm a Catholic
20:18and I need to know
20:19what is Exorcist about?
20:21I love that movie.
20:22Um, I have, uh,
20:23performed over 50
20:24exorcisms in my life.
20:25What?
20:27Are you a priest?
20:29No.
20:29Wait, so you go rogue
20:31and do these exorcists?
20:33Well, I didn't really
20:34understand that I
20:35had this ability
20:36until I've walked
20:38into haunted houses
20:39and accidentally
20:39unhaunted them.
20:40You're like,
20:41there's a ghost.
20:42No, it's not.
20:43It's a curtain.
20:44Like, what is it?
20:45Like, how do you
20:45unhaunt a house?
20:47Well, part of it
20:48is just the energy
20:49of the beings
20:50that used to live there,
20:51um, but they don't
20:52realize that they're dead.
20:54So, um,
20:55something keeps them there.
20:56So, uh,
20:57sometimes when I walk
20:58into that house,
20:59unfortunately,
21:00my aura hurts them,
21:01so they kind of
21:02need to leave.
21:02Tell me a little bit
21:03about the worst one.
21:05Uh, going to a place
21:07where, uh,
21:08a ghost was, uh,
21:10sexually assaulting
21:11this, uh,
21:12uh, this person.
21:13How do you know
21:14it's doing it?
21:15Because she reports
21:16that there is pressure,
21:18um, in a certain area,
21:19and she's unable
21:20to get up from the bed.
21:22Oh.
21:22So, uh,
21:24I went up the stairs,
21:25and it kept trying
21:26to throw me down
21:27the set of stairs
21:28by just pressure.
21:29Like, you actually
21:30felt like...
21:31Yeah.
21:31Um, so luckily,
21:32I had my grandfather's
21:33sword,
21:34because it's full of faith.
21:35I'm sorry.
21:35Wait, wait, wait.
21:37Hold on.
21:38When does season two
21:39of your life come out?
21:40This guy.
21:41Oh, my God.
21:43That's amazing.
21:44That's Crisella,
21:45everybody.
21:51This show
21:53is about to enter
21:54into the danger zone.
21:57Bam!
21:59Will the remaining
22:00members of Marnia
22:01please remove
22:02your top layer?
22:06Comics!
22:09Here is what is happening.
22:10We have revealed
22:13our red flags.
22:15These are members
22:16of our audience
22:16who have
22:17more challenging
22:18or more dangerous
22:20to touch subjects
22:21on their shirts,
22:22and it is on you
22:23to choose them
22:24and make us laugh.
22:26Let's keep this train
22:27going, everybody.
22:28Please!
22:29Welcome to the stage
22:31of Marnia.
22:32God, I ran off!
22:40Remind me of your name,
22:41little boy.
22:42Mike.
22:42Mike, so you suffered
22:44from scarlet fever
22:45at some point in time?
22:46Yeah, when I was four.
22:47Is this something
22:48for which we have
22:49an immunization,
22:50and did your mom
22:51choose not to get you
22:51an immunization
22:52because of her participation
22:53in a cult
22:54that that lady
22:55might know about?
22:55I don't know.
22:59I think it's...
22:59Don't you think
23:00you of all people
23:01should know?
23:02Mike, you've self-identified
23:03as the audience's
23:04representative
23:05of scarlet fever.
23:06Don't you think
23:07at this point in time
23:09of all points in time
23:10we need people
23:11with facts?
23:11Can I get an amen
23:13student scientist?
23:14Absolutely.
23:18I asked for an amen,
23:19and he said absolutely,
23:20which is a great
23:21scientist response.
23:22You got scarlet fever
23:25when you were four.
23:27Were you and your parents
23:28traveling through the Congo?
23:30No.
23:30Then what came out of it?
23:32Did you die?
23:33Is he a spirit?
23:37No, he's real.
23:38Okay.
23:39I'll be the judge of that, okay?
23:42Scientist boy,
23:43you also died?
23:45Not quite,
23:45but I should have.
23:46Okay.
23:47Well, no.
23:48You gotta lean into it, okay?
23:50You're the one
23:50who's supposed to be
23:51creating a sense
23:52of drama.
23:52I ultimately don't care.
23:54I'm still just excited
23:55that Joe has his shirt off.
23:57You need to sell me
23:59on, oh, this matters so much.
24:01How should you be dead?
24:02We all should be dead.
24:05Life is very improbable.
24:07All of you had to survive
24:08millions of years
24:09of evolution,
24:11and you're here magically.
24:13We all should just be like,
24:14you know, awkward
24:15cum stains
24:16on the side of a rock,
24:17but you managed to make it,
24:19and I'm so proud
24:20of all of you.
24:21But how should you have died?
24:27Well, I took this ginger
24:29over here on a hike
24:30on my favorite trail
24:31and proceeded to fall
24:32off a mountain.
24:32Oh, you went on a hike
24:34and you tripped?
24:35Yeah.
24:35I'm shocked.
24:37You fell off a mountain.
24:38What was the mountain?
24:39How high was the mountain?
24:40I fell about 60 feet
24:42into a creek
24:42because the ground
24:43gave out under me.
24:43Okay, clear details.
24:45Clear details.
24:46Also, I asked
24:48how high was the mountain,
24:50and clearly our
24:51environmental scientist
24:52doesn't know
24:52how high a mountain
24:53should be
24:54because he could have
24:55given me an actual,
24:57like, concrete height,
24:58but he gave me
24:59a different number
25:00so I felt satisfied.
25:01So we're just gonna...
25:03So you fell 60 feet.
25:04Did you break any bones?
25:06I broke three.
25:07I broke both of my arms.
25:08This one was broken
25:09so badly
25:09that every time it moved
25:10for the first bit
25:11I would scream,
25:11which is what this big scar is
25:12because I was late in here.
25:13Tells me about the weather.
25:14I also broke part of my skull.
25:16Okay.
25:16Bone crusher,
25:17are all of those bones?
25:18Yeah, I have.
25:20Checks out.
25:21Checks out.
25:22Is falling off of the mountain
25:24the worst thing
25:24that's ever happened to you?
25:25I have to assume.
25:26I don't remember.
25:26Oh, you...
25:27That's a good answer.
25:31And wasn't material.
25:32It wasn't...
25:33It was him riffing
25:34in the moment.
25:37And I just wanna say,
25:39if falling off of a mountain
25:40is the worst thing
25:41that's ever happened to you,
25:42your parents need
25:43to try harder.
25:45Like, I'm gonna say
25:46that you should be
25:47wearing a shirt
25:48that says parents
25:49with uninteresting marriage.
25:51Let's get it, Brandon, everybody!
25:55Let's keep it hot
25:57with Cristhela Alonso!
26:03Hold on.
26:05Oh, my...
26:05Wait.
26:06Struck by lightning?
26:07Yeah.
26:08Shut up.
26:09How old?
26:11I was 14.
26:12You were 14?
26:13No wonder you wear the jewelry.
26:15Oh, my God.
26:17What were you doing?
26:18Hiking with him?
26:20Oh, God.
26:20He was actually
26:21trying to teach me
26:21how to surf.
26:24You got hit by lightning
26:25like, while you were surfing?
26:27Yeah.
26:27You're such a Brady Bunch episode.
26:29It's not even funny!
26:31Wow.
26:32Like, and you're
26:33a corpse cleaner?
26:34Correct.
26:37Yeah, that's boring
26:38and it has...
26:39I don't need any more.
26:40That is so common.
26:43And what does
26:43your shirt say?
26:44Missing uncle.
26:45What's going on?
26:46Tell me about it.
26:47Well, great news.
26:48He's found.
26:49Oh.
26:51Okay.
26:52So, basically,
26:53you can just cover
26:54the top word
26:55on your shirt.
26:57Okay, so tell me
26:58what happened.
26:59So, my uncle
27:00decided
27:01at an older age,
27:03he's, I think,
27:0430 years older than me,
27:05at an older age
27:06to just leave
27:07his whole family
27:08and no one
27:10could ever find him.
27:11Like, phone
27:12disconnected,
27:14GPS off.
27:15It's like
27:16night movers
27:16in Japan.
27:18Yes.
27:18Yes.
27:19It's like,
27:19they have, like,
27:20a whole industry
27:20in Japan
27:21called night movers
27:22and basically,
27:23you're like,
27:23I'm done with life.
27:24They come in
27:24and just, like,
27:26erase you.
27:26And no one
27:28can ever find you.
27:29How did you find him?
27:30One day,
27:31we decided to Google him
27:32and found his house
27:33and we just
27:33knocked on the door
27:34and then he opened it
27:35and then said,
27:36oh, shit.
27:37And then...
27:37Oh, shit.
27:38No way.
27:40Oh, shit.
27:41I'm sorry,
27:41but what kind of
27:42trusting person
27:43opens the door
27:43to anyone?
27:45I get a door knock
27:46and I'm like,
27:46oh, fuck,
27:47Jehovah's Witness.
27:48Like, oh, my God.
27:49Now I have to
27:50look at you
27:51because I see
27:51shark attack.
27:53Yeah.
27:54Not me.
27:55Who was attacked?
27:56A relative of mine.
27:58Did they survive?
27:59No.
28:02Jesus Christ.
28:04You fucking people
28:05are weird.
28:07You are like
28:08a Hot Topic store
28:09that came to life.
28:13The shark attack
28:14and you were hit
28:15by lightning
28:16and, oh, my God.
28:18They probably died
28:19and he cleaned up
28:20your fucking relative
28:21and your uncle's
28:22disappearing.
28:23Jesus.
28:24And you're a devilish dream.
28:26What is this?
28:27Over the course
28:28of a month
28:28when I was 13,
28:29I was possessed twice.
28:31And then he showed up
28:32with his sword?
28:34That's Cassiella,
28:35everybody.
28:35Hey, hey, hey, hey.
28:37Hey, hey, hey.
28:37Hey, hey, hey, hey.
28:38Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
28:39Let's keep it going for Oscar!
28:48Wow.
28:50Oh, the trauma.
28:53Oh, my goodness.
28:55I'm so glad we are here together today.
28:58Oh, my goodness.
29:00Yeah, Possessed?
29:02Yeah, the first one was at a church sleepover,
29:06which I didn't think you could get possessed in churches.
29:09They enter churches, too?
29:11Yeah, okay.
29:13The second one was at a haunted ranch house.
29:16And you were the only one that got hit?
29:18Yeah.
29:20And do you remember what happened?
29:22I was with Girl Scouts.
29:24Okay, Girl Scouts, okay.
29:25We're like red flag number one.
29:28Okay.
29:29Apparently, during the middle of the night,
29:32I sat up straight, turned around,
29:35and looked through a hallway that was abandoned,
29:39that we were not allowed to go into,
29:41and I shouted out,
29:42Victoria!
29:43And then I collapsed.
29:45Collapsed.
29:46And then, like, fell back asleep,
29:47or just, like, more like...
29:49Just collapsed.
29:50Collapsed.
29:51And then people woke me up.
29:52Do we know who Victoria is?
29:55I don't know.
29:56You don't know.
29:57Okay, so that was possession number one.
29:59And then what?
30:00That entity left?
30:02I assume?
30:03I don't know.
30:03So it's not like a period in your life.
30:08Well, how often are you shouting Victoria?
30:11Are you still shouting Victoria?
30:12No.
30:13Then maybe, you know,
30:14it was just a momentary, like,
30:16this person, this entity was like,
30:19we need to find this bitch.
30:20Yeah.
30:21Right?
30:21Now, is there a chance it's, like,
30:24a nightmare?
30:25You know what I mean?
30:26No.
30:27No.
30:27Wait, you know what?
30:29I'm going to ask...
30:29Let's ask the exorcist.
30:30Okay, I'm sorry.
30:32No, I believe you.
30:33I believe you.
30:34Let's ask the exorcist.
30:35So, like, how would you deal with this situation?
30:38There's a Victoria...
30:39Sitting up.
30:40The sitting up thing.
30:41Is that, like, common?
30:43Yeah.
30:43It usually happens in a case
30:44when someone is easy to come into
30:48because you're very spiritually...
30:51Why are you laughing?
30:52Are you laughing?
30:53Why are you laughing?
30:53Susceptible?
30:54Susceptible.
30:55He's like,
30:56pretty much if you're a weak bitch,
30:58it's easy to enter.
31:00No, okay.
31:01No, so how do you become not susceptible?
31:03Right?
31:03We want to become not that.
31:05How do we do that?
31:06So, the way I try to do it
31:08is you try to, like,
31:09strengthen your aura
31:10so that there's more of a barrier around you.
31:13I am so...
31:14You know, there's so much to do in life already.
31:16Like, there's...
31:17You know, you wake up, right?
31:19Brushing your teeth.
31:20Sometimes getting out of bed is hard, right?
31:22And you're like,
31:22oh, man.
31:23And then, you know,
31:24I, as a 30-something-year-old woman,
31:26it's like, I don't know where to start.
31:28Get your shit together.
31:30Okay, so that's...
31:32That's how you fight against...
31:34Yeah, there are ways
31:35that you can ward yourself against,
31:37like, possession
31:37and from things
31:38that you don't want coming around you.
31:41Right.
31:41You didn't give a detail.
31:44I...
31:44So, I'm just gonna be spooked again.
31:48Just walking around spooked all the time.
31:50Undead lovers and...
31:51Oh, both of you.
31:52Okay.
31:53Yes.
31:54Hello.
31:55You're together and you...
31:56Okay, you both have undead lovers?
31:58Undead means you're alive.
32:01Oh, so alive lovers.
32:02Okay, please explain.
32:03We both told jokes right before we died.
32:05Are you, uh, comedians?
32:10Nye knows.
32:11I am not.
32:14Okay.
32:15Wait.
32:18Well, about eight years ago,
32:20I died for a bit.
32:22And, uh,
32:23they had to get out the, uh...
32:26The paddles!
32:26The paddles to, uh,
32:28just give it a hard reset.
32:30And he said,
32:31we need your permission for this,
32:32unlike the other stuff.
32:33And can you give us your permission?
32:34And I was scared out of my mind,
32:36so I was like,
32:36as long as you call it
32:37the old zappy zap.
32:40I would say,
32:41actually, technically,
32:43maybe that wasn't a joke.
32:46Wait, so then you died after that?
32:50After he said zappy zap?
32:51I was flat out.
32:52So, like,
32:53Oh, my God.
32:53Couldn't breathe,
32:54couldn't move,
32:55and then just the blackest black of ever
32:57to black in front of the eyes
32:59could not see anything.
33:00I was like,
33:01oh, oh, this is it.
33:02I'm leaving now.
33:03And when I woke up,
33:05I was like,
33:05what the hell is there
33:06to be afraid of now?
33:07So I came to Los Angeles
33:09and met someone
33:09who has also died before.
33:11What website is that?
33:13What website is that?
33:15Is it going to be devilish dreams?
33:17I, at the tail end of high school,
33:20I lived in a haunted house.
33:21Your parents moved you in there?
33:23Yeah.
33:23You guys moved?
33:24Yeah.
33:24Into a,
33:25and where is this location?
33:26Where is this house?
33:27It's called Eastvale now.
33:28The house was built
33:29on top of a serial killer's ranch.
33:32Oh, wow.
33:33The Inland Empire.
33:35Inland Empire, okay.
33:36Oh, 626 near Pasadena,
33:38where they do dental work
33:40without anesthesia.
33:43Even though it's usually
33:46how they do it.
33:47And, um,
33:49okay,
33:50so how did you know
33:51it was haunted?
33:51Or like,
33:52what were the signs?
33:53My sister would see things
33:54at the edge of her bed.
33:56Oh, my gosh.
33:57Yeah.
33:58Also sitting up?
33:59Yeah.
34:00What is this sitting up?
34:01Oh, standing up.
34:02Standing up at the edge
34:03of the bed.
34:03Does anyone ever possessed
34:05ever say things
34:06just laying down?
34:09Everything has to be
34:10presenting?
34:12Oh, my God.
34:13That's so spooky.
34:14That's the spooky part, right?
34:15If someone was laying down,
34:16it's like,
34:17Victoria,
34:17I'd be like,
34:18oh,
34:18Scarlet Fever.
34:19You know what I mean?
34:20I'd be like,
34:20oh,
34:21she's seeing visions.
34:22Sounds good, everybody!
34:24Thank you so much!
34:27Let's switch it up
34:28a little bit.
34:29I want to play a game
34:30called Connections.
34:33Here's how Connections works.
34:35I am going to invite
34:36all three comedians
34:38on stage
34:39at the same exact time,
34:41and their job
34:42is to find
34:43as many genuine
34:45connections
34:45and common ground
34:47as we can.
34:48They got a job to do.
34:50I want to see them do it.
34:51So, please,
34:52welcome to the stage
34:53our three comedians
34:55for the evening!
35:00All right,
35:01I'm going to say
35:02I want Missing Uncle
35:03and Herbalist to switch
35:04because you're from Sacramento
35:05and Rosicrucian
35:06is from San Jose?
35:07Yeah.
35:08Boring towns in Sacramento
35:09in Northern California.
35:10Do we have any people?
35:12Other people?
35:13I'm sorry,
35:14but can we talk about
35:15Sad Ocean?
35:16Because Shark Attack
35:17and Struck by Lightning
35:18is just like...
35:19Yes!
35:19Sad Ocean.
35:20Sad Ocean
35:21should be together,
35:22but I also want to find out
35:24like this bit like
35:25is Skateboard Savant
35:27connected to the ocean
35:28at all?
35:29Because I don't want
35:29to like waste it.
35:31Also,
35:31you look like Weird Al
35:32in a good way.
35:33I...
35:34When I was...
35:35I was a sponsored skateboarder
35:36at seven years old.
35:36You know,
35:37when I read your shirt,
35:38I was like,
35:39this fucker knows
35:39every skateboard
35:40to ever exist.
35:41So we're going to move you
35:45with another savant.
35:47Are you...
35:47Are you a fencer?
35:50A medieval longsword doist.
35:51Okay,
35:52sword owners on the table.
35:53Yes!
35:53Yes!
35:54Cult sampler,
35:54get over here.
35:55Oh my God.
35:57Move!
35:58Move!
35:58Move!
35:58This is TV!
36:00We'll have to find
36:01a different extreme sport person.
36:02Extreme sport?
36:03Extreme dental.
36:04Yeah?
36:05That's...
36:05That's extreme!
36:07No, hold on.
36:08Radical.
36:09No, I...
36:10Look, hold on.
36:10I still think
36:11sad ocean is a thing.
36:12I thought,
36:12okay,
36:13my dad died
36:13in the lightning strike.
36:15What?
36:15Whoa!
36:16You didn't get to it.
36:18Wow.
36:18First of all,
36:19your shirt should say
36:20struck by lightning,
36:21dot, dot, dot,
36:22by the way.
36:23He came back to life.
36:24What?
36:24Huh?
36:24What?
36:25My dad came back to life.
36:26Oh, he...
36:27All these dead-ass people!
36:29That's not fair.
36:31Presidential campaign manager,
36:33did you manage
36:34John Kerry's campaign
36:35because he had that
36:36windsurfing incident
36:37It was not,
36:38but he is a dead president.
36:39Who?
36:40Millard Fillmore.
36:41Just before,
36:42I believe,
36:43the Civil War.
36:45Wow.
36:471850.
36:49Okay.
36:50Okay, so...
36:50Boring activities at home.
36:52Boring activities at home.
36:54Join...
36:55Join the board game couple.
36:57Should one of us
36:57be on the floor
36:58and help with the seating?
37:00Sure!
37:00Sure!
37:01I feel like
37:02that's more my vibe.
37:03I'm getting paid.
37:03Here you go.
37:04We got, um...
37:05Oh, but the lightnings,
37:06we were gonna move...
37:07Yeah, the lightnings!
37:08So we're gonna move
37:08the emo oceans together,
37:10right?
37:11Yeah, I think evil oceans
37:13should get together, yes.
37:15Oh, my God.
37:16What is this?
37:17What is this?
37:17I love that all we're doing now
37:19is making continuity so hard.
37:21And I can't...
37:22I love it, I love it.
37:23I know!
37:23Who's allergic to penicillus?
37:25Ocean and ocean.
37:28Ocean and ocean.
37:29Did you sell your shorts
37:30for Easter candy
37:31while the child was dying?
37:33No, I sold the...
37:34All right, then...
37:35Then it's not gonna work.
37:37No, no, no.
37:37How do you...
37:38Sold my shorts.
37:40What is this?
37:40I used to be a stripper
37:41in Atlanta,
37:42so I would sell
37:43my shorts and underwear
37:44and started doing drag.
37:46Okay.
37:47Take your shirt off.
37:48Get up there.
37:48I'm tripping over.
37:49Sam, you have two hands.
37:51You know, actually,
37:54can I say...
37:55Yes.
37:56I can say that.
37:57Were you trying to pay
37:59your way through medical school?
38:00Oh, sorry.
38:00You almost died!
38:03This is the room!
38:05This is the room!
38:06Oh, my God!
38:06Oh, my God!
38:07Oh, my God!
38:08Oh, my God!
38:10Oh, my God!
38:12Oh, my God!
38:14So much drama!
38:14Who's fucking trying to kill you?
38:16Do you know what Victoria is?
38:19Victoria!
38:19I'm so scared of dying,
38:24and this is the worst crowd
38:26to be in.
38:29Sweetie, these are the winners.
38:30They live.
38:31Yeah.
38:32Guy, I just have to hear you
38:34talk to Dog Shower.
38:36Oh, it's Dog Shower.
38:37Oh.
38:40I need to pick this.
38:42Dog Shower.
38:43Boring activities over there.
38:44Boring activities over there.
38:46Boring activities.
38:46I'm going to say pageant queen.
38:48Maybe Joja joins.
38:51What is a Dog Shower?
38:52If you've ever seen
38:53the national dog show
38:54that comes on every Thanksgiving.
38:55Every fucking year.
38:56Yeah, that's what I used to do.
38:58And then Dog Grower is...
39:00What made you retire?
39:01Most of the people
39:02are very conservative.
39:03I'm very queer.
39:05No!
39:05I am visibly queer.
39:12I just want to be clear.
39:12If we put all the queer people
39:13here at one table,
39:14there would be one table.
39:15It's the whole fucking room.
39:19It's the whole room
39:20and the crew.
39:21I saw that.
39:22I know.
39:23Fuck it.
39:24I'm coming out.
39:26That's it, everybody.
39:28That's it.
39:29Let's go get back up on stage.
39:33How was the show, everybody?
39:38It is time.
39:40It is time
39:41for you to choose
39:43the winner
39:44of tonight's show.
39:46Oh.
39:47And the winner
39:48of tonight's show
39:49is going to get
39:51our golden drink ticket.
39:54I'm going to say a name
39:58and you are going
39:59to make as much noise
40:00as you possibly can
40:02for who you think
40:03is tonight's winner.
40:04Now, they all were fantastic.
40:06You can make noise
40:06for them all.
40:07But if there is some...
40:08Oh, yeah, go ahead.
40:09Go ahead.
40:09Go ahead.
40:10Go ahead.
40:11But if you thought
40:13tonight's winner
40:14of crowd control
40:15was
40:15Cristela Alonzo.
40:17Make some noise!
40:18Woo!
40:18Woo!
40:18Woo!
40:18Woo!
40:19Woo!
40:20Woo!
40:21Woo!
40:22Woo!
40:23Woo!
40:23Woo!
40:26If you think
40:27the winner
40:27of this episode
40:28is
40:29Oscar,
40:30make some noise!
40:31Woo!
40:33Woo!
40:37And if our winner
40:39is
40:40Guy Brando,
40:41make some noise!
40:42Woo!
40:42Woo!
40:42Woo!
40:48The winner
40:49of tonight's episode
40:52of crowd control
40:53is
40:53Christella Alonso!
40:58There you go!
41:01There you go!
41:03Christella!
41:07Look, I want to thank
41:10everyone that made it possible.
41:13The ghosts.
41:15The ghost.
41:15The ghost fighter.
41:17The ghost fighter.
41:18The dog shower.
41:20Not everybody.
41:21That is last call!
41:24For us here at Cloud Control,
41:27I'm your host Jackie Steele
41:29reminding you,
41:31tip your bartenders,
41:33drive home safe,
41:35and hey,
41:36it's not a good story
41:39unless we wrote it on a shirt.
41:40Good night, everybody!
41:43Good night!
41:45I asked him if he skips
41:47and licks lollipops.
41:49Don't let him do his own independent work.
41:51I still have the microphone.
41:53You just need somebody
41:55who was strong
41:56and had a good stomach.
41:57You said had a good stomach
41:58and I thought of you
41:59and I was like,
42:00what do you mean?
42:00It's like,
42:01we need someone to pick up bodies
42:02and they gotta be hot.
42:04I would think, you know,
42:05I just thought you would be like,
42:06oh, I'm dumb.
42:07You know, like that?
42:08Like, oh, because I am, bitch.
42:10You know, something like that?
42:11But you were so, yeah.
42:15Yes!
42:16Yes!
42:17You did!
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