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Crowd Control (2025) Season 1 Episode 1
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00:00Welcome to Crowd Control, the improvised stand-up show where the audience is the material.
00:08On tonight's lineup, from RuPaul's Drag Race and The Traitor's, Bob the Drag Queen.
00:15Her new special, Spiraling, is out now on Amazon and Apple TV+.
00:20It's Leah Rudick.
00:22And from Dimension 20 and Worlds Beyond Number, Brennan Lee Mulligan.
00:26And here's your host, Jacquees Neal.
00:36Welcome to Crowd Control.
00:39Tonight, I have three of my favorite comedians who are here to turn your lives into stand-up comedy.
00:47And they're going to do so by doing some good old-fashioned crowd work.
00:50Which means that if the show is a disaster, they are going to blame all of you.
00:54But at the end of tonight's show, you all will be choosing the winner.
01:00Oh, that's right.
01:01It's like voting.
01:02The power's in your hand.
01:05We can do better than we did the last one.
01:08And you are going to choose that winner from one of these three fantastic comedians.
01:13Let's talk to them right now.
01:14What's up, y'all?
01:15How y'all doing tonight?
01:16Looking good.
01:20Bob, you're one of the best performers on the planet.
01:22Also, one of the best drag queens on the planet.
01:27When it's right, it's right, honey.
01:29What is the difference between doing crowd work at a drag show and doing crowd work at a stand-up comedy show?
01:35Well, how many of you have ever been to a gay bar before?
01:37This is L.A.
01:42Well, the drinks are poured a lot heavier at a gay bar.
01:46And also, I will say, too, every gay guy watching you thinks he's funnier than you, better than you,
01:51and can wear your dress more fiercely than you can.
01:54You've got to work hard for those laughs.
01:55Meanwhile, nobody here thinks we can wear what you got on.
01:58Oh, thank you.
01:59You know what I'm saying?
02:00What's up, Leah?
02:01How you doing tonight?
02:02I'm so good.
02:03I'm so happy to be here.
02:04Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:06Stop that.
02:08So I've got to know, do you still get nervous before you do crowd work?
02:11I feel like I get more nervous talking to people in real life.
02:14So this is bad.
02:15This is my nightmare.
02:17But I'm excited for this.
02:20Brennan Lee Mulligan.
02:23You are OG in the improv world, in the sketch world, in the tabletop world.
02:29So as a seasoned stand-up comedian...
02:31I want to be clear.
02:32I didn't ask me to be here, okay?
02:34I'm excited to have you, my man.
02:37Excited to have all three of you.
02:38Good luck.
02:38Have fun tonight.
02:39That's our comedians!
02:42We met them.
02:45I think it's time for them to meet you all.
02:48Here's what's going to happen.
02:49I'm going to bring a comic up here one by one, and they're going to do their best to make you laugh.
02:54And in each round that we play today, they're going to do that until I give them the red light.
03:00Bam!
03:01I'm colorblind, so that means nothing to me.
03:04And I think it's no better time to start but right now.
03:06So please, welcome to the stage, Bob the Drag Queen!
03:17Well, I have to ask about this hat.
03:20What's your name?
03:21Zandiloquence Bizarre.
03:22No.
03:23No.
03:25Where are you from?
03:26I'm from Chicago area.
03:27I love having an exciting name like Zandiloquence, but like, where are you from?
03:30It's like, Des Moines.
03:32So can you tell me about this hat?
03:34Yeah, it's green.
03:36Because I'm colorblind!
03:38Wow!
03:40The ableism is crazy!
03:44I don't see color.
03:46Who made this hat?
03:47Do you know who made it?
03:47I made it, yeah.
03:48You made it.
03:49So are you, is it a haberdasher?
03:50A milliner.
03:51A milliner.
03:52All right.
03:54That's what it's called!
03:56So do you make hats like, is this your first one you made?
03:58I've made a lot of hats like this, but this material is the first.
04:02What is it made of?
04:03It's made out of cucumber.
04:05The whole hat is made of cucumbers?
04:08Yeah, it's made entirely out of dried cucumber.
04:11Can I smell this hat, please?
04:15I'm holding a salad.
04:20There is, there is tinfoil.
04:25This is definitely a hat a conspiracy theorist would wear.
04:30You don't want them to steal my great hat ideas.
04:33I got a playtane hat coming up.
04:37I don't want them to take it.
04:39All right, let me, let me hand that back to you.
04:42What's your name?
04:43Zach.
04:43What do you do for a living?
04:44I am a data analyst.
04:46I feel like we picked the most person with the most exciting thing next to the person
04:50who was the most boring possible.
04:52My name is Quintilius Zachary, Zachary Boontow.
04:56My name is Zach and I'm a data analyst.
04:59Like, what do you have hobbies though, yeah?
05:01I crochet, I play the piano.
05:03Are you one of those, like, I see a piano and I just start playing it?
05:06Yeah.
05:07Because a piano is one of the only instruments you can really do.
05:09You can't pick up someone's flute, you know what I mean?
05:12And just put your mouth all over it.
05:14It is socially acceptable to see a piano and just slide your fingers across it, you know what I mean?
05:20What would you say on a scale of one to ten?
05:22Ten being like Johann Sebastian Bach and zero being like Looney Tune.
05:27I guess like an eight?
05:29Bring out the piano!
05:32That's it for Bob the Track, please!
05:36I can honestly say that's the first time anybody's ever smelled a hat on stage.
05:41We're breaking ground here at Crowd Control.
05:43Please welcome to the stage, Leah Rudick, everybody!
05:49Oh my goodness, what fun this is.
05:53Why is there just one weird fucking hat guy?
05:56Where are the other weird hats?
05:58I feel like I want to talk to the most normal looking person in the room because I feel like
06:02you're going to be the biggest freak.
06:04You, sir.
06:07Do you know this guy?
06:08Did you just meet?
06:09We're together.
06:10You're here together.
06:10Are you a couple?
06:11Yes.
06:12Mm.
06:13Mm.
06:14Found them.
06:16What are your names?
06:18Chris.
06:19Chris.
06:19I'm Christian.
06:20Did you meet on a Christian dating site?
06:24Quite the opposite.
06:25Quite the opposite.
06:26A Satan dating site.
06:30What was the site?
06:31Uh, Growler.
06:32Growler.
06:33I think I know what that is.
06:35It's exactly what you think it is.
06:38Help me out here.
06:39Christian just gave an across the room look to Bob.
06:43We all, I think we all did.
06:45So Growler is, um, what it, um.
06:50Now tell us what you think it is, Leah.
06:53Well, I know a Growler is a jug for beer.
06:55It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sort of, uh, receptacle of sorts.
07:01Um, would you say this is a site full of receptacles?
07:07Absolutely.
07:08Absolutely.
07:09Yeah?
07:09Who sent the first line to whom?
07:12I think it was me.
07:13Yeah.
07:13You were like, your name is, like mine, but missing three letters.
07:18That's what I would do if I was trying to pick up someone.
07:22Leave me alone.
07:25I think it kind of, it started as a hookup.
07:28Ooh.
07:30Ooh, you, we live different lives.
07:32Um, so you invited him over to your place, or did you do it in, like, a bathroom, uh, or?
07:39I invited him over.
07:41And did you have drinks?
07:42No.
07:42There's no Growlers.
07:45Did you just get to it?
07:46Did you kiss a little bit?
07:47Oh.
07:49Did you do tongue stuff?
07:52You did?
07:53Did you do tongue stuff, sir?
07:56Yes.
07:57You guys are a bunch of perverts.
07:59I love it.
08:00What's your name?
08:01Andrew.
08:02You've got a little, a cute little wallet there.
08:04What's in that?
08:04Just a little bag.
08:06It's cute.
08:07Yeah.
08:07It's full of tissues.
08:09Oh, it's a bag in a bag.
08:11Yeah.
08:11I'm going to go back to talking to Christian.
08:14That's it for Leah.
08:15For Brunig, everybody.
08:16Yay!
08:20Please, put your hands together for Brunig and Lee Mulligan!
08:27How we doing?
08:28Your name is Sheer.
08:31We have a pre-existing relationship.
08:32The integrity of the audience is contaminated.
08:36Sheer, how you doing?
08:37I'm doing good.
08:38How are you?
08:38Sheer was a former improv student of mine.
08:41Nepo, baby!
08:44Sheer, how you doing?
08:45How have you been?
08:46Pretty good.
08:46Been some rough years in the middle, I think, for everyone.
08:49What specifically?
08:50What were you doing during those years for work?
08:54Like, medical stuff.
08:57Is it secret, or?
08:59It's kind of like an escape room.
09:02Now, you've said something insane, Sheer.
09:04You work in a medical escape room?
09:06That's a nightmare.
09:09I mean, you could be referring to the American health care system, which is sort of like a
09:12medical escape room.
09:14Hi.
09:14What's your name?
09:15Myesha.
09:15I noticed you clapping quite socialistically over in the corner.
09:19I'm trying to think of a sort of more clever way, but is there something crazy about you
09:23that would be...
09:24Is there something absolutely wild about you that would be cool to know?
09:29I'm a tour guide at Universal Studios.
09:31What's the spot on the tour that, like, gets people the most hype?
09:34What's the area that you're, like, the most into?
09:35Hill Valley, Back to the Future.
09:36Do they see the spot where a guy almost fucks his mom, or does that take me straight to the
09:42part where he almost fucks his mom?
09:43I don't need to see the DeLorean.
09:46Just right to the mom fucking.
09:48We were told backstage to kind of move through the crowd to, like, cover as many people as
09:54possible.
09:54I am going to left curve on that and go back to Zandiloquence.
10:00So your name is Zandiloquence Bazaar.
10:02Oh, yeah.
10:03It's a pseudonym.
10:03I assumed.
10:06For the making of the cucumber hats, I thought that I needed a name.
10:09You need it to protect your real identity?
10:11If people know I'm making these sick hats, they'll hurt my family.
10:16Is that your profession?
10:18Yeah, a little bit.
10:19What's the main hustle?
10:20I edit videos.
10:21That's probably, like, 99% of the hustle.
10:24I'm not your accountant, but if I'm looking at the pie chart, I feel like cucumber hat.
10:28Very skinny slice.
10:29Brendan, I feel like you should smell this hat, too.
10:31You got it.
10:31Brendan got to smell this hat.
10:32Completely odorless.
10:40And that's it for Brendan Lee Monaghan, everybody!
10:46You know, a wise man once told me, it's getting hot in here.
10:49So, audience, please remove your top layer!
10:57Comics, what you are about to see are folks in front of you who are here for a fascinating
11:02reason, and that reason is written right on their shirts.
11:06Your job is simple.
11:07Pick a shirt.
11:08Make us laugh.
11:09And I feel like there's no better person to do that than Brendan Lee Mulligan.
11:12Immediately drawn to nothing but an elf thang.
11:23I see prosthetic woodland ears, and I know I am with my people.
11:28What's your name?
11:29Zakiya.
11:30Zakiya.
11:30In what ways do you embrace elvendom in your life?
11:34I'm really attached to the elvish language.
11:36Ooh, Quenya or Sindarin?
11:38Sindarin.
11:39Sindarin, beautiful.
11:40I've alienated everyone.
11:42This show is about me and Zakiya now.
11:44You can all, frankly, go home.
11:47Sindarin and Quenya are two of the elven languages depicted in the Silmarillion by Tolkien.
11:52Okay, okay.
11:53Fucking read a book, okay?
11:57What drew you to that?
11:57So I had a Lark character that needed to learn some phrases, and then the PDF was opened.
12:03You had an elven character, and you were like, I'm going to open up a doc just to get some
12:06phrases, and then you're like, oh, Morgoth, who is Melkor?
12:10Tell me more.
12:11I just saw the actual Lord of the Rings this year.
12:15Sorry, Zakiya, you learned elven before you read Lord of the Rings?
12:20Absolutely astounding.
12:22I see a shirt over here that says, uh, wardrobe.
12:25I have a large enough kink collection that it required an entire wardrobe, so it's called
12:33a wardrobe.
12:34It may seem like a segue to move from a LARPer to a kinkster.
12:37I'm going to tell you this right now.
12:39When you go to the Ren Faire, and you see someone in period clothing, they own anywhere from
12:4510 to 40 dildos.
12:46What is that overlap?
12:48I feel like dragons are neat, and like, you know.
12:52How did your kink closet come together?
12:56Just over the years collecting stuff, but unfortunately she died in a move, so now it's just all in my couch.
13:02What do you mean in your couch?
13:03I come over to your house, and I'm like, oh, it's so great to see you.
13:06Something's wrong with the sofa.
13:10I'm going to go ahead and actually move back to Chris and Christian over here.
13:13What separates Growler from Grindr?
13:16Growler is for bigger, hairier men.
13:19Bears.
13:20So you're saying there's a company with a new staff of people and a new chief executive suite
13:26being like, our business model is totally different.
13:29Our guys are hairy.
13:31Absolutely.
13:31So in other words, that couldn't be a toggled-on setting on Grindr.
13:36That has to be its whole separate own service.
13:39It is a toggle setting on Grindr, and not a lot of people use it.
13:42Shame on you, Brennan.
13:44Me?
13:45Shame on you.
13:46What pull do I have at Grindr to make decisions happen?
13:50That's it for Brennan Lee Baligan, everybody.
13:53Let's keep the energy up for Bob the Drag Queen!
14:01I'm afraid, and you know I'm talking to you, but there's someone even scarier standing behind
14:09you, and your shirt says, failed assassin.
14:12I almost accidentally hit Tucker Carlson with my car.
14:16The Fox News guy?
14:19Hold on, Bob.
14:20I must ask, what is your name?
14:32My name is Regan.
14:32Regan was like, I almost accidentally hit him, and then put the car in reverse, and then
14:37put it in drive, and then parked on top of him, and then got out of the car, and then slammed
14:41his head in the door five times.
14:43And then he ran into my knife.
14:44He ran into my knife.
14:46My knife.
14:47My knife.
14:47My knife.
14:47If you said that, you're gay.
14:49Now, I know what a May December is.
14:53May December is when you're in a relationship with someone older than you.
14:55And to be fair, even if you didn't have the shirts on, I could...
14:58So how old are you?
14:5929.
15:00Thank God.
15:01And how old are you, December?
15:02Guess.
15:04Honestly?
15:05Okay, I'm happy to guess.
15:06What's your favorite Madonna song?
15:08I can't even think of one.
15:09You can't even think of one?
15:10Really old.
15:11The brain...
15:12The brain is cooked.
15:15What's the first record you ever bought, like, with your own money?
15:17Stayin' Alive, I've been teaching.
15:19Um...
15:19Stayin' Alive by the Beachy.
15:23He was like, my first album I ever purchased was a Maple Leaf Rag by Scott Joplin.
15:30That was a real suck-hopping number back then.
15:34So I'm going to say you're probably, uh, 62.
15:3861.
15:38Very good.
15:38What?
15:39So you have a daddy thing.
15:47I do have a daddy.
15:48Are you intimidated by that big baby sittin' over there in the corner?
15:51I don't know.
15:53Are you gay, big baby?
15:55Bye.
15:55Everyone's bi today.
15:56There's no one...
15:57No, there's no...
15:57There's no straight people left in Hollywood.
15:59We got rid of them.
15:59Well, she tried to run one over last time she saw one.
16:03She was like, how dare you be straight?
16:04How long have you been together?
16:08It was five years this year.
16:09Oh my God.
16:12So people probably think, like, you're all together for the money, honey.
16:16Do people say that a lot?
16:17Once, uh, at Disney Springs over in Orlando, I had bought my own things.
16:23I had bags of Legos.
16:24Nothing says I'm the adult.
16:26Like, I bought my own Legos.
16:30I'll have you know daddy didn't buy these Legos.
16:35Now, okay, DM.
16:37Direct messages?
16:38No.
16:38Dungeon Master?
16:40Close.
16:42Stands for Dungeon Monitor.
16:44I know what that is.
16:45So you're a kinkster.
16:46Mm-hmm.
16:47Do you engage in kink or do you just watch the kink?
16:49Yep, yep, that's kinky.
16:51All of the above.
16:52What kink are you into?
16:53Um, I do a lot of various kinds of edge play.
16:56You gay-bra?
16:58So you like to be edge, you like to edge?
17:00Yes.
17:02Can you have him tell us what edge is?
17:04Oh my God, I forgot we have Leah here who doesn't know what edging is.
17:07He's like, and that's when you walk on the very edge with your growler.
17:11It sounds dangerous, don't do that.
17:14So edging is when you get someone really, really, really close to the coming,
17:16and you're like, psych.
17:19Edge play specifically refers to more extreme kinks,
17:23so things that fall under, like, blood or knife play.
17:28For edge play, you have to negotiate and be very clear.
17:31So you're an administrator at the dungeon?
17:33Yes.
17:34I know everyone's like, whatever you do, that's the craziest thing you've seen,
17:37but I want to hear about you back at the office trying to get this fiscal year closed up.
17:42You know what I mean?
17:42I want to see you close the dungeon, walk into just a room with just cinder blocks.
17:46One time you're like, man, these numbers are not adding up.
17:48That's Bob!
17:51I also love Bob's face.
17:54Once you explain edge play, you're like, damn, that's not what I was thinking.
17:58You also made Leah blush.
18:01You almost made me faint.
18:03You almost made me faint.
18:03So before she faints, let's get her on stage.
18:07Welcome back to the stage, Leah Rudin.
18:13Oh my God.
18:15I love that this room is just full of kinky LARPers.
18:19Wait, okay, we have to address Big Baby right in the middle here.
18:23Do you do adult baby stuff?
18:26No.
18:27Oh, okay.
18:28Why would you say that?
18:31Leah!
18:32Can you just define what adult baby stuff is?
18:35I think it's edging.
18:37I don't know.
18:40What's your name?
18:41Rory.
18:42Rory, tell me about being a big baby.
18:44Well, I broke the record for the biggest baby ever born at my hospital.
18:49Wow.
18:49What were you coming in at?
18:5011 pounds, 7 ounces.
18:52Have you met any other world champions?
18:57Give it up for Rory.
18:59Oh, where to even...
19:01where to even go.
19:04Mannequin criminal.
19:05Specifically, mannequin hands.
19:07You guys are wild.
19:08What?
19:08This is like...
19:10And baby arms.
19:12Watch out, big baby.
19:14I don't know.
19:15We just thought it would be really funny to take a bunch of mannequin hands.
19:18Did you get arrested?
19:19Yeah.
19:19Really?
19:20Yeah.
19:20How long were you in for?
19:23I didn't go to jail.
19:24I got 90 hours community service.
19:26What'd you do?
19:26Fix mannequins?
19:29Horse lover?
19:29I like them.
19:31Oh, cool.
19:31I was on a walk at a ranch with my work crush, and we saw a horse, and I accidentally gave
19:40the horse an erection.
19:42What were you wearing?
19:43That's Leah Rudick, everybody.
19:48Yay!
19:49I think it's time for us to call our mom's favorite yacht rocker, because our comics are
19:54about to enter into the danger zone.
19:57Ooh!
19:58Will the remaining members of our audience please remove your top layer?
20:04Comics, what you are seeing in front of you are our red flags.
20:08These are people in our crowd who have more challenging or more dangerous subjects to touch
20:15on their shirts.
20:17Are you guys ready to get this round started?
20:19Woo!
20:21Then please, welcome back to the stage, Brennan Lee Mulligan!
20:28I've had my eye on you the entire show.
20:38You opened your shirt, and it says, top secret.
20:41And baby, if you don't think that I am going to dedicate the rest of this episode.
20:47I know my people.
20:48I know there's a lot of people that have chain mail, and they're putting knives in their
20:52butts, and they're running around doing crazy sex fantasy shit, speaking cinderin, and fucking
20:57talking to each other.
20:58I looked at you and I said, this guy's got something.
21:00What's your name, man?
21:01I'm Brian.
21:02Too normal.
21:04Way too fucking normal.
21:05It doesn't feel safe here.
21:06It does not feel safe.
21:07What about your life is top secret?
21:10Well, I'm actually under an NDA, so I can't really say.
21:14For those that don't know, what is an NDA?
21:16Well, an NDA is a non-disclosure agreement, so basically, if you say certain things that
21:20could get you fired.
21:21So this is a dead end, and I've ruined the show.
21:25What's your name, my friend?
21:26Erin.
21:27Why are you dad's accomplice?
21:29My family was strung into a line of bank robberies because they were blackmailed.
21:35Sorry.
21:38So literally, your dad was like, I don't want to rob a bank.
21:42My hands are tying.
21:44Yes.
21:45The blackmail that they had on you, was it of a, like, lascivious or embarrassing nature?
21:49He owned a construction company, and he would hire ex-cons and whatnot.
21:52Delightful and anti-carceral.
21:56I'm gonna tell the whole world that you believe in the power of redemption.
22:01That was sufficient to blackmail your family into robbing banks?
22:05No, he was surprised when one of them, like, wanted to rob a bank.
22:08He got to ask what he went to jail for.
22:10So one of your dad's employees was like, thank you so much for this construction job.
22:15I notice I'm not making that much money.
22:17When was your dad like, all right, we gotta rob the bank?
22:20He was like, hey, we want to rob a bank.
22:22Do you want to help us?
22:23And my dad said, no.
22:24And they said, well, now you know that we're gonna do it.
22:27Hold on.
22:28So this guy said, I'm just gonna lie and tell people you helped even when you didn't?
22:32Yes.
22:33I have bad news.
22:35Your dad kind of wanted to rob a bank.
22:37You don't understand.
22:39He was gonna say I helped.
22:41Would he have proof?
22:43Not really.
22:45But he might have said it.
22:47You know how courts love to believe ex-cons.
22:52Since you have a famous family member.
22:54Is it gonna be like a cool chill famous?
22:56Cause you made a sad face.
22:57I wish it was cool and chill.
22:59Who's your famous family member?
23:00Tucker Carlson.
23:04No, it's a famous serial killer.
23:06I suspected.
23:07I suspected.
23:08I suspected.
23:09That's tough.
23:10I mean, we know them all.
23:11Which one?
23:12Guess.
23:13You want me to say which serial killer I think you look like?
23:16I'll just take a wild stab if we're in L.A. and I'll say Charles Manson.
23:19No.
23:20Ted Bundy?
23:21No.
23:22Jeffrey Dahmer?
23:23No.
23:24Ed Gein?
23:25No.
23:26Are you guys getting sad that I know so many serial killers?
23:27Who was it?
23:28Robert Durst.
23:29Robert Durst!
23:30How many people did old Robbie?
23:32The minimum to be a serial killer is three and he killed three people.
23:36We gotta bump those numbers up.
23:38I don't think three.
23:39I think we gotta go like, God, does this suck?
23:42Seven.
23:43I think it's seven.
23:44Regan almost killed one person by accident.
23:45Like, that's 33% of the weight of a serial killer.
23:49That's fucking crazy.
23:51I want to leave some red shirts for my pals too.
23:53I just want to say, Sheer, it says Crisis Actor on your shirt.
23:57I read that from the seat over there and my first honest response was,
24:01one of my students is getting work.
24:03Let's go.
24:05That's Brittany Lee Mulligan, everybody!
24:09Please welcome Leah Rowley to the stage!
24:16Oh boy, it's time for the red zone.
24:20Dangerous hot chocolate.
24:21Yummy.
24:23What's your name, sir?
24:24My name's Jack.
24:26What's scary about hot chocolate?
24:28Uh, I accidentally circumcised myself with a hot chocolate.
24:31What?
24:32Wait, I thought these were supposed to be like, sad and dark.
24:35That's hilarious.
24:38What the fuck are you talking about?
24:41Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it.
24:43DM, what do you think?
24:45Yeah, I know, it was not consensual.
24:48Between your dick and your hand.
24:50Yeah.
24:51That's not consensual.
24:52How old were you?
24:53I was, unfortunately, like, kinda young.
24:55Give me a number.
24:56You were almost 13?
24:5713.
24:58That's a fully grown child, yeah.
25:00A fully grown child is crazy.
25:06I'd been ice fishing with a friend.
25:07I stopped for hot chocolate after, like, in the car.
25:09Was, like, a Dunkin' or what?
25:11Am I allowed to say?
25:12I don't know.
25:13Who is Jack?
25:16Tim Hortons.
25:17Canadian, oh.
25:19Very hot?
25:20Yeah, too hot, honestly.
25:22It burned your dick off!
25:24Yeah, man, that's too hot!
25:26Okay, please, go on.
25:27We hit a bump on the way out.
25:28Uh-oh.
25:29And I kind of jumbled the cup.
25:30It went...
25:31Were your pants down?
25:32What?
25:34It went through my snow pants, through my pajamas,
25:37and left a second degree burn and took a little off the top.
25:40Can you show us the scream that you screamed?
25:44I could try.
25:45You can stand up if you want.
25:46This is a theater exercise now.
25:48Trying to put myself there.
25:51Get your cup, get your cup.
25:52Pour it into your pajamas.
25:56Pull over!
26:03Thank you, thank you so much.
26:04Okay, distant incest.
26:07Getting genetic counseling with my dad recently.
26:09the geneticist, uh, asked...
26:11Any relatives you fuck?
26:14And my dad said, uh,
26:16well, your great-grandparents were brother and sister.
26:19Oh, shit.
26:22And I didn't ask for permission to say that on a show.
26:28Great-grandparents?
26:29Yes.
26:30Were they hot?
26:31Uh, I'm done with that.
26:35Um...
26:38Brian.
26:39Hi.
26:40Vegas.
26:41Yeah.
26:42Card shark?
26:43No.
26:44Dancer?
26:46Fuck you, Brian.
26:47I'm gonna...
26:49That's Leah Rudick, everybody!
26:51Let's give it up for Bob the Drag Queen!
26:53Oh!
26:54I'm so sorry to do this, Jack.
26:55Can you describe what your dick looks like right now?
26:57Um, no, yeah, it's gotten mixed reviews.
27:00Has there been a register we haven't gotten to yet?
27:01I was looking at you.
27:02Are you related?
27:03No, not at all.
27:04Just as our stories line up.
27:05Uh, cause as a child, I was dead for the first five minutes of my life.
27:09What?
27:10You were dead for five minutes?
27:11Yeah, so I was originally due out April 4th.
27:14Uh, February 16th was my mom's C-section surgery.
27:16So you were really early?
27:17Well, almost two months.
27:18You can't show up at someone's house unannounced.
27:20You really...
27:22You're both C-section babies.
27:23I don't know.
27:24I don't know.
27:25I don't know.
27:26I don't know.
27:27I don't know.
27:28I don't know.
27:29I don't know.
27:30I don't know.
27:31You're both C-section babies.
27:32Yeah.
27:33Are you gay or bi or straight or...
27:34Bi.
27:35The bi table.
27:36The gay guys have this little phrase that they use.
27:39It's called a gold star gay.
27:41And a gold star gay means you have never ever been with a woman ever.
27:46And then a platinum gay means you've never been with a woman and you were born by C-section.
27:53And gay guys are like, I've never, ha ha ha, they're so proud of it.
27:57But a C-section is a really intense operation.
27:59Has anyone here ever had a C-section?
28:00Anyone here?
28:01No C-sections here?
28:02Are there any parents here at all?
28:05That's how I'm gonna get you.
28:07That's how I'm gonna get you.
28:08That's how I'm gonna get you.
28:09That's how I'm gonna get you.
28:10Now I know.
28:11Alright.
28:12So, I'm gonna give you a quick description of what a C-section is, okay?
28:14First of all, you're awake during a C-section.
28:16They cut you open from hip to hip to open you up, right?
28:20And then they pull your abs apart like beef jerky.
28:23And then they take your kidneys, clamp it to your vagina, open up the placenta, and then pull this little baby out.
28:31And then, after that, 30 years later, some fucking gay boy walks around and goes, I never touched a pussy, ha ha ha!
28:39Give it up, Obama!
28:40They are doing fantastic.
28:45But this is a competition, which means we are coming to the time of the show where we will be choosing the winner.
28:57However, we've been making it look too easy, so I wanna ratchet it up a little bit.
29:02And I wanna play a little game that I like to call Torture the Comic.
29:06I'm gonna bring each and every one of you on stage, one at a time, and I'm gonna give you something that is gonna make your set infinitely harder, specifically for you.
29:18And like any good Torture at a stand-up show, I'm gonna do so from right in the audience, right there, like a plain old heckler.
29:27Everybody is on the table, but I think the person to get us started, Bob the Dragway, get all up here!
29:36All right, Bob, I want you to do this set to me and my friends here in the audience like you're in a library.
29:46You have to be low, monotone, inside voice, and you cannot use your hands at all.
29:54That is your Torture. Take it away, Bob!
29:57I've taken a lot of shots at your dick, and I want you to know that I feel bad about that.
30:02And if you would like to ask me a question about my penis.
30:07Uh, my partner actually designed sweaters for penises.
30:11Hasn't your penis been warm enough?
30:18I'm sorry. I can't help myself.
30:23I guess my question would be, if your penis could have a sweater, what would you like?
30:28What's like the longest sweater I've ever been?
30:30Thank you for asking that question. That's a very good question.
30:47Now, tell me about the fake Pounding Father.
30:55I portrayed Button Gwinnett.
30:57Are you gonna say Button Gwinnett like we just all know the name?
31:02Like, you said it as a matter of fact.
31:04Can I ask you a question that you don't have to answer and it seems a little...
31:08What is your ethnicity?
31:10I'm Hispanic.
31:11Was Button Gwinnett Hispanic?
31:13He was a very white man.
31:15Was Button rapping?
31:17I did perform Button Gwinnett for a rapper. Do you want to guess?
31:21I really wanted to be Kendrick Lamar.
31:23I love the idea of Kendrick Lamar watching you do the icon Button Gwinnett.
31:29It was Will Smith.
31:31You said rapper.
31:33That's it for Bob the Track Week, everybody.
31:38Who knew being quiet was so hard?
31:40You know who I want to torture next.
31:43Give it up for Leah Rudin!
31:50Just kidding.
31:52Leah, you're such a nice person.
31:54Oh my God, thank you.
31:55I want you to do this set as if you were just publicly canceled.
32:03Give it up for Leah, everybody!
32:10Hey guys.
32:18I'm figuring out my character, Brennan, relax.
32:22I like to do a lot of jokes about my, uh...
32:26private part.
32:29But that got me into some trouble.
32:31Hello.
32:35What are your names?
32:37I'm Luke.
32:38I'm Javi.
32:39Javi?
32:40What's that from?
32:42Um...
32:43Am I not allowed to say that?!
32:48Sorry!
32:56It's just short for Javiera.
32:58What's the...
32:59Uno do?
33:00We met playing Uno online?
33:02Boo!
33:05Sorry, sorry, sorry.
33:07Cool.
33:10I'm doing good.
33:14I'm divorced.
33:15What'd you get divorced for?
33:16I threw hot chocolate all over my husband's dick.
33:18Wait, why, what, why are you booing me for that, though?
33:26Actually...
33:28That's the most inoffensive thing I've said so much.
33:32What's your shirt say, Andrew?
33:34200 words per minute.
33:36That's how fast you type?
33:37Yes.
33:38Nice!
33:49How do you feel about that?
33:50Oh, it was very exciting.
33:52That's my kind of boy!
33:55Give it up for Leah Ruddick, everybody!
33:57Yay!
33:59And keep it going for Brennan!
34:07Brennan, you're a smart guy.
34:10You cannot use a single big word whatsoever.
34:15You can't use an historical reference.
34:18If it came from a literary anything, I don't want to hear it.
34:21And all of us here are going to decide what big words are, alright?
34:30I can't say the word on your shirt.
34:35What's your name?
34:37Too big.
34:39What?
34:43What is your name?
34:46Naomi.
34:47Can't say that.
34:48What you do?
34:52I play anywhere between 10 and 24 instruments.
34:55That's too much.
34:59Why so much sounds?
35:02I don't know if you would understand.
35:07Don't do show.
35:09Let me do show.
35:10You do your job.
35:14Why so much sound?
35:15I work as a composer and I write music for movies, TV shows, games.
35:20Good.
35:22Too many letter on a shirt.
35:25I built a medieval tavern in my basement.
35:28Strange.
35:30Strange, too big.
35:32Me no like!
35:35Uh, for money?
35:37To play D&D with my friends.
35:39Tight.
35:41Cool guy.
35:43Your shirt, say...
35:46Uh, rocket launcher.
35:47More.
35:49I work for NASA.
35:51Sick.
35:52That is too big.
35:54Me like boom.
35:59You work come from us, not Elon Musk.
36:05Boo, Elon Musk.
36:07Boo, Elon Musk.
36:09Boo, Elon Musk.
36:11We love spaceship from everybody.
36:17Who else not go?
36:19You.
36:20I do a lot of post-apocalyptic, like, theme sports.
36:23For fun?
36:24Or...
36:25Maybe you think world not goes so good...
36:29Soon.
36:31How would you know that?
36:33Don't need to be that smart to see shit fucked up!
36:39Brennan, you can now use every big word you know, every literary word you know, and direct it all towards Top Secret.
36:47Right there!
36:53Since the beginning of time, man has wondered why.
36:58Why do we exist?
36:59What meaning do we find in a cosmos where we seem to be the only sentient life?
37:04What does this guy do for a fucking living?
37:07That's better than we probably get out of the way!
37:10We have to know what Brian does!
37:12Do it! Do it! Do it!
37:13I'm a video game developer.
37:15Oh, man!
37:18I thought you killed people!
37:22And now it's time for you all to pick a winner of tonight's episode, and that winner is going to receive our golden drink ticket.
37:34And you guys are going to pick that winner by a simple round of applause.
37:38Do we think our winner tonight is...
37:41Bob the Drag Queen!
37:43Good!
37:46Okay!
37:49Or do we feel the winner of tonight's episode is...
37:54Leah Rudin!
38:03Or is it Brennan Lee Mulligan?
38:05again, the winner of tonight's episode, who has all the self-worth in the world, Bob the
38:17Drag Queen, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, you are the winner
38:26of our golden drink ticket to the bar, which we are now closing, everybody, that is last
38:33call for us here at Crowd Control. I'm your man and your host, Jack, he's new. Good night,
38:38everybody. Good night. Thank you. Good night.
38:45Statistically, 10 of you are my former improv students.
38:52I told you exactly what I did, I probably wouldn't get any better.
38:5410 motherfuckers, what you doing?
38:59Watch this actually get me canceled. This is fine.
39:03Ta-da-ta-ta-da-ta.
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