- 6 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00One, two, three, four pillows on couch.
00:12What are they doing now? What did I miss?
00:14Hey! Nothing, they are not home yet.
00:17We recently discovered, besides our neighbours Sean and Charmaine on that side of the house,
00:23we also have neighbours on this side.
00:26Can you imagine? More neighbours!
00:29It was a stroke of blind luck we discovered we even had a window on this side of the house.
00:35This side of the house.
00:37Dear guide, every time I call you I lose my nerves like a chicken for the slaughter.
00:43Oh! Oh, shit!
00:46We have a window! It's a... it's a house!
00:50Hey, whoops!
00:53And now we are using that window to spy on the neighbours.
00:57Why are they not home yet?
00:59Have you guys seen my phone anywhere?
01:01Not now Guillermo, we are spying on the neighbours!
01:03Why?
01:04Look! They're home! They're home!
01:06What's this shit? When did old bald guy grow hair?
01:10What?
01:11They're not even wearing the same clothes they left in this morning!
01:15Are they in disguise?
01:16They're somehow looking 30 years younger.
01:20So yeah, the house next door is very obviously an Airbnb.
01:23I guess I never taught them what an Airbnb...
01:25No, you know what? I did. I did. They probably weren't listening.
01:28Oh no! That house belongs to shapeshifters! Fuck!
01:36You're kidding me, right?
01:37Shapeshifters are extremely freaky.
01:41They're awful, abhorrent creatures that use the most ancient of sorcery to transform into whatever murderous, all-powerful shape their wicked hearts desire.
01:52And now, they have infiltrated our street!
01:55I have had horrible experiences with shapeshifters in the past.
01:59I was once in a relationship with a woman for four years who then transformed into a possum.
02:07I stayed with her for six more months, but then I just had to end it.
02:13This is a fucking nightmare!
02:15It's just an Airbnb.
02:16Shut up Guillermo!
02:17Shut up Guillermo!
02:18Don't sing if you want to live long.
02:23They have no use for your song.
02:26You're dead.
02:27You're dead.
02:28You're dead.
02:29You're dead.
02:30You're dead and out of this world.
02:33Now your hope and compassion is gone.
02:35You've sold out your dream to the world.
02:38Stay dead.
02:39Stay dead.
02:40Stay dead.
02:41You're dead and out of this world.
02:48Stay dead.
02:49Stay dead.
02:50Stay dead.
02:51Stay dead.
02:52Stay dead.
02:53Stay dead.
02:54Stay dead.
02:55ijnmut』
02:56dig를
02:57Researchers
02:59Stress
03:00wur
03:00enough
03:00JW
03:01teaching
03:02time
03:03치가
03:04We're
03:05For
03:06ignore
03:07famous
03:08Lots
03:16Actually, that was just me breaking wind.
03:20But these macabre sounds are very similar.
03:23My wife, Naja, thinks they might be ghosts.
03:26But I'm not so sure.
03:36Did the summoning work?
03:38Uh-oh. So it did.
03:43Hello, my son.
03:45It's me, Papa.
03:48Fuck off.
03:50Oh, Laszlo! Laszlo!
03:52No fucking way.
03:53I see the grumpy fellow hasn't changed a leg.
03:57Well, what a lovely sight you are.
04:00Roderick Cravensworth.
04:02Is it really you? Laszlo's father?
04:06Well, if the tit fits the cup.
04:08Definitely family, then.
04:09And you must be his ethnic mistress.
04:12Yes, that is how it started.
04:14But I am actually not very much his wife.
04:16We have been married for many hundreds of years.
04:18How much I have missed.
04:20What a divine pleasure it is to make your acquaintance.
04:24Oh.
04:25Oh.
04:26Time to get the purchase.
04:27This is a perennial ghost issue.
04:29So I have to ask, what's your unfinished business?
04:32Well, my tiny lady, I'm here to repair my long-troubled relationship with Laszlo.
04:38Yes, he may be a vampire and I a spirit, but we will always be, above all else, father and son.
04:45Yes, we love that. So sweet.
04:48Hello.
04:49Hello.
04:50Oh, yes.
04:51What are these, contraptions?
04:52Oh, these are camera machines. They take your portrait.
04:55Ah, yes. You have to keep very still.
05:00Um.
05:03Anyone else notice the ghost or is it just me?
05:06Come on, Laszlo. Just introduce him.
05:09All right.
05:10Attention, everybody. May I introduce you to a man who has gone by many names.
05:17The Whispering Swordsman, Scurrilous Bob, the Barkham Bone Digger, the Marquis of Manchester, the Blackfinger, and lastly, my father, Lord Roderick Cravensworth.
05:30You forgot one sobriquet, the Night Dog of Tresco, but that was most of them.
05:36I'm delighted to meet all of my beloved son's roommates, although I did think perhaps he would have had his own place by now, but what do I know?
05:43Let me ask you, sir, how did you get all those dope nicknames?
05:48The finest man I ever knew bestowed most of those monikers upon me.
05:53Very soon after, he saved my life in deepest Sumatra.
05:58Oh, wow. And what was his name?
06:01I can't remember. I think it was Glenn or something.
06:04Glenn?
06:05And who might this taciturn fellow be?
06:07Get up.
06:08This father is my greatest creation to date.
06:11I call him Cravensworth's monster.
06:13Now, as you can see, I've created a man by reanimating dead human flesh, surpassing any of your own scientific experiments.
06:21No, I tried it, but it didn't work.
06:22I just ended up with a dead body with lots of bits stuck together, but I didn't reanimate it.
06:27I sewed the body bits together, but I didn't do the reanimation.
06:29So well done.
06:30Yes. Although not the most comely of fellows, perhaps he takes after his creator.
06:35Hey!
06:36Very good.
06:37I would love a tour of Chateau de Cravensworth.
06:40Really? Well, it's a pity that because we're very busy right now.
06:43Actually, Night Dog of Tresco, I would love to show you around our humble abode.
06:48Fantastically Don Squire.
06:50Out here is what we call the foyer.
06:52Very good.
06:53He's a fun guy.
06:54So charming.
06:54I love him.
06:55What? He's not fun.
06:57He's pretty fun.
06:58You've been beguiled by his wicked charms.
07:00The only reason he has come back here is to make amends with you.
07:05Why don't you give him a chance?
07:06My darling, that man is never to be trusted. Never.
07:10His silver tongue is as sharp as the ivory paddle that he used to bring down across my bareback side.
07:16He would spank me in front of the polo horses.
07:19He'd give them a ride show.
07:20My bareback side out in the wind for all to see.
07:24How everyone would laugh as that paddle would come down hard across my bareback side.
07:30Arms out, head forward, be a good boy.
07:33It would come down again, again, and again, and again.
07:41Are you okay?
07:42Forgive me, I'm not quite myself.
07:44I thought you quite liked being spanked.
07:46Oh, yeah.
07:51I used to keep these in my room, but I ran out of space.
07:54So I had to move them up here.
08:04You'll see why in a second.
08:06What an impressive collection of detailed maquettes.
08:14Really?
08:15Most people don't give a flying after the moon about my Funko army.
08:19No, I think they're enchanting.
08:20And who is this bewitching Bonita?
08:23Oh, well, you have really good taste.
08:25That is Lizzo, and it's a rare one because she's holding the flute.
08:29This one's also Lizzo.
08:31This one, she's holding her purse.
08:32But this one, she's holding the flute.
08:34Geez, I'm sorry.
08:35I'm probably boring you.
08:36No, no, please.
08:37Please, I could listen to you extemporize on these plastic things for hours, my boy.
08:43Get your ghost hand off him, father.
08:46Enough of the soft shoe.
08:48Reveal your game or suffer the consequences.
08:50Now, now, calm down, my bubbly boy.
08:54Yeah.
08:54What's that you have in your hands?
08:56Well, it is.
08:58Yes.
08:58It's a spirit catcher of my own invention from the last time we had a ghost infestation.
09:03Yeah.
09:03It also coincided with me showing him Ghostbusters 2, and a week later he came up with that device.
09:10It was a parallel thought.
09:11Well, I, for one, am fascinated by it.
09:13Do tell me about this divine device, my cherubic Fibonacci.
09:17Well, it is quite interesting.
09:19It's a, um, atomic vacuum.
09:22Atomic?
09:22Modified by myself.
09:24I added the blunderbuss.
09:25Blunderbuss.
09:26Yep.
09:26And as you can see, I've housed everything into a large carriage clock.
09:30That is stupendous.
09:31Isn't it just?
09:32And, uh, I use this from one of Naj's old dresses.
09:37You can get fucked.
09:39I'm onto you.
09:40You only flatter when you want something.
09:42Well, you've got five seconds before I suck you to kingdom come.
09:47The last time I heard that was on my penultimate visit to the Cunnypot.
09:53I didn't even hear it, but I know it was funny.
09:56It was really funny.
09:57Yeah, it's good.
10:00Ah, fleet of foot.
10:02Yes, his usual trick.
10:05Show yourself, you bastard!
10:08Look at these two.
10:10Cooking dinner, please.
10:12Aziz.
10:12Bullshit.
10:13What are these shapeshifting sons of bitches planning?
10:17Um, Airbnb shouldn't even be that hard of a concept to wrap your head around.
10:22Will you shut the fuck up, Guillermo?
10:24Yes.
10:24Okay.
10:25Nandor, I'll say it.
10:27We need to capture and destroy the shapeshifters.
10:30Yes, I'm in full agreement, Najem.
10:32So maybe I just go over there and I kill and mince them with my bare hands.
10:37Fuck, that's really good.
10:39Hmm.
10:41I think you should give your dad another chance, Laszlo.
10:43I mean, he's really nice and he knows a hell of a lot about the spice trade.
10:48With all due respect, Colin Robinson, you haven't got a fucking clue who the shit you're fucking with.
10:52Look, we're getting closer.
10:53And closer.
10:54He's in here.
10:55Show yourself, padre.
10:57Meet thy maker.
11:00Leslie, please wait.
11:01I know I haven't been the best father, but I felt this pull to return.
11:06To be the father you've always needed.
11:08And to learn about this incredible modern vampire life you lead.
11:12You expect me to believe that, shoeshine?
11:15No, I think he means it.
11:17I think he's really interested in learning about our lives.
11:20Yes.
11:21Besides, it's been really nice having an older male figure in the house.
11:25Yeah, it has.
11:26I sure wish I had one when I was growing up.
11:29What? You fucking did. It was me.
11:31I raised you from a baby, Colin Robinson.
11:33You keep saying that and people are going to think you're...
11:37My son!
11:38Huh?
11:38You may well choose to use that apparatus on me, but know that I care about you deeply,
11:42my rotten little soldier, and I would give anything for a second chance.
11:52Please don't cry, father.
11:55Please don't cry.
11:56All right, then.
11:59All right, I'll give you a second chance.
12:02But if you fuck up, I will suck you dry.
12:05As the maitre d' of the Hellfire Club said to me whilst getting my pea coat.
12:09You are literally the funniest man ever.
12:12I like him.
12:13All right.
12:18So Mr. Cravensworth asked us to show him our New York, and I get to choose where we go first.
12:25Times Square M&M store, here we come.
12:27Wait, Laszlo.
12:28You're not just going out into the world unattended.
12:31I presume a gentleman of your station has a man-servant of some kind?
12:35I do have a man-servant. I just choose not to let him stay in the house.
12:40If you'll excuse me, I shall be a moment.
12:42My grandma's also a ghost.
12:47Hey, knock first.
12:48I need you to come with me, pretend to be my man-servant, and do not ask me why.
12:51You know, it's okay if you're trying to impress your dad's ghost.
12:53Well, I'm not.
12:54You know, I would want to impress my dad, too.
12:56Hypothetically, he left when I was three, so I never got to be...
12:59Right, okay. That makes you the luckiest man in the world.
13:01Come on, Gizmo.
13:03Now!
13:05I'm coming.
13:07Give me a minute!
13:09Are you sure you don't need me to look under the hood?
13:11No, I don't need anything. I'm fine!
13:14I'm gonna go give him a hand and sort this out.
13:18You're very lucky to serve a man as wonderful as my son.
13:23If you're anything like my butler Cecil, you know how to anticipate his every need.
13:28And I do mean his every need.
13:33The G-spot.
13:35The erotic zone.
13:36Oh, no, I'm sorry. It's not like that with your son and I.
13:41Cecil worked my whirligigs like a maypole.
13:45He was something of a psychosexual chess master.
13:47Can we talk about something else, maybe?
13:50Have you ever kissed a ghost?
13:52Now it's go time.
13:56Lancer to Rawhide.
13:57Do read me over.
13:59Rawhide to Lancer. I can read you loud and clear.
14:02Why, hello, my sweet gooseberry jam. How much for a go-round?
14:06Ahem.
14:06Miss Nadia, my sincerest apologies. I briefly mistook you for a lady of the night.
14:11You thought I was a little fucking whore, did you?
14:13Yes.
14:14You're charming.
14:15Cut the ghost talk, Rawhide.
14:16Oh.
14:17Stay on mission.
14:18That's lively. Get a rag, Colin Robinson. Get a rag!
14:21Okay.
14:21Rawhide, make your way through the side gate. Be very quiet. If they sense you coming,
14:29they'll rip you apart before you can even pay your fangs. But you got this.
14:33You will soon see a mat. On it is written, welcome. Counts as an invitation.
14:43It would be easier to hide if you stopped talking.
14:46Okay. That's smart. I'll stop talking.
14:51She's in.
14:52She's in. Now she must hide and catch them unawares. Look at them. The shapeshifters. They don't suspect
15:00a thing. They're too busy playing with their combat training blocks. Oh, shit. Shit, they've hurt her.
15:08They've hurt her. They've hurt her. She's fucked. Rawhide, shapeshifter one has picked up a knife.
15:14He's approaching you. He could shapeshift at any moment. Can you hear me over? Don't engage alone.
15:20Fuck, fuck, fuck. Rawhide, you need backup. Can you hear me? Rawhide, do you copy over?
15:27Ha! You beauty. Bravo, my mechanical maestros. Ha! I fixed it. It was the exhaust manifold.
15:40I just had to get in there a little. It wasn't the fucking exhaust manifold.
15:44The spark ignition. And I fixed it. Trust me, I fixed it all on my own, daddy.
15:50I meant, uh, um, meant to say, uh, Mr. Craven's work.
15:56Fuck, mate.
16:00Rawhide, the shapeshifters took out the jalopy. I've got your back, Rawhide.
16:08Come back. Sorry, Nate.
16:12Rawhide!
16:18Oh, God. She made it out. I thought I was fucking dead.
16:22What's this? They got Nate?
16:24Yes, Nate. God, God.
16:27Oh, no.
16:29Wait. Wait a minute.
16:31What?
16:32I was not watching you the entire time that you were over there.
16:35How do I know that you are actually you and haven't been replaced by a shapeshifter?
16:42Are you fucking kidding me?
16:49Oh, great. The truth is, Sir Colin of Robinson, that I never knew my own father.
16:54Yeah, me neither.
16:56It's a terrible thing and leaves a man ill-equipped when it comes to his own turn of parenthood.
17:02Oh, I think you're the coolest guy ever.
17:05Well, you know, you're not half bad yourself, young man.
17:08Do you think- Nah, it's kind of stupid.
17:11Well, please, tell me.
17:13I was going to ask if I could maybe give you a hug.
17:18I don't know that you'll be able to feel these translucent arms of mine, but
17:24I think we should have a go, don't you?
17:27All right.
17:28I don't know. Maybe I have been too harsh on my father. After all,
17:34he is showing kindness to Colin Robinson. A Herculean task if ever there was one.
17:38You're fucking kidding.
17:41Remind me again, Nadja, if that is in fact who you really are.
17:45What is my favorite film?
17:49I don't fucking know!
17:51The captive did not know that the captive's favorite film is The Incredible Poet, Wonderstone.
17:58Enough of this!
17:59Just because I ignore all of the bullshit that you say does not prove that I am a shapeshifter.
18:05If anything, it proves that it is me, someone who doesn't care about anything you say!
18:09Now will you just apply me?
18:10Okay, fine. You are not a shapeshifter, okay?
18:14I apologize. I can admit when I'm wrong.
18:16Dad! Sorry, I just was a little paranoid, that's all.
18:21It is odd though. I myself was away from you for a while while I was in the house.
18:28So?
18:28Admit it. You are just a snaky, tricky little shapeshifting bitch!
18:33Oh!
18:34Yeah, he is.
18:35We must not let them tear us apart like this!
18:37Oh, shit.
18:39Nadja! Nador! The lady from next door is good to see you guys!
18:43The shapeshifters are here! The shapeshifters are here! What are we going to do?
18:47Pull yourself together!
18:49Yes, thank you. You're much better now.
18:50Please calm down!
18:52I have 15 years and no one by that description comes down.
18:54Really not? Those two?
18:56Who?
18:56My guests said they were in the house. They also said that an old-timey car exploded.
19:00Your guests? Hmm.
19:03Perhaps she is their leader.
19:04No, she is the host of the Airbnb and owner of the...
19:08Silence, Guillermo.
19:08My guests also said you were spying on them. The telescope?
19:12Listen here, shifty. We are on to your little games.
19:15What you have going on over there violates all of the laws of nature.
19:20Okay, fine. Technically, the unit isn't zoned for an Airbnb, okay?
19:25Oh.
19:25I'm just trying to make some passive income. Is that such a crime?
19:28What the fuck is she talking about?
19:29Guillermo, what is passive income?
19:31Yes, and what is air PPP?
19:34Yeah, that's what's going on. We figured out that that was an illegal unit.
19:38Shit. Okay, listen. Can we just keep this between us?
19:40Maybe we can work out some kind of deal.
19:47Great Britain.
19:49Yes, the British Empire. We plundered the world, but our museums are fucking great.
19:54What are you doing down here, Father?
19:56Just having a bit of chit-chat with your curious creation.
19:59Aye. Well, not easy for me to say this, but I know you have paternal affection for me,
20:09and that affection is reciprocal, though not often displayed due to a fear that it might not be
20:14returned in kind.
20:16Very well put, my boy.
20:18But what I'd like to do is begin a more free-flowing communication between the two of us.
20:24That would gladden my heart, my bonnie lad.
20:32Hug, Daddy. Hug, Daddy.
20:34Whoa, whoa, whoa. Explain to me why the Book of Souls is open on my workbench right behind you,
20:40and on that particular spell.
20:44Yes, I thought as much. I know exactly what you're doing, and the answer is a big fat no.
20:49I forbid you to use my monster as your vessel on this earthly plane.
20:54I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
20:57Really? As soon as my back's turned, you'd be up that bastard like a
21:00Frankfurter sausage in a bun. Coward.
21:02But son, you don't understand what it's like. The place where I come from, where my spirit resides.
21:08It's fucking awful. All the classes are mixed together.
21:12I have to talk to poor people. I have to find interest in the Welsh.
21:17I can't touch myself. It's hell. But if my ghost could inhabit a human body,
21:22I could begin life anew and have an orgasm again for the first time in 200 fucking years.
21:28It's all about you, isn't it? Always about Lord Roderick Cravensworth.
21:33No one else matters. Ruining my life from day one. Like when you humiliated me at Wimbledon.
21:39You can't play power tennis. There's no shame in that.
21:42You fucked my Latin tutor.
21:44Vini Vedi Vini. You got into Eton. Hiring Rasputin to be my babysitter.
21:50That was last minute.
21:52And who can forget when you murdered mother?
21:55Oh, not this again. Good grief.
21:58Prove it.
21:59Well, I'll tell you something. You are not getting your hands on my monster.
22:03My greatest creation to date. You will not be using him as your meat puppet.
22:08You think I'd want this wretched homunculus for a body?
22:13I right here. Oh, no. You have me all wrong. You see, the divine human vessel I wish to inhabit
22:19is your own. Huh? I beg your pardon. Oh, come on, son. You had your turn.
22:25Be a good boy and let your daddy inhabit your flesh.
22:28No.
22:29The fatherless, the fatherless.
22:30No.
22:30Shabbat.
22:31No. This must stop.
22:33Oh.
22:34Oh.
22:35Oh.
22:37Catch him out.
22:38Don't look like spirit catcher.
22:41Get me my spirit catcher.
22:47Catcher!
22:58Prepare to get sucked, daddy.
23:00Oh, not like this.
23:17Farewell, father.
23:25So yeah, after I spent another two hours explaining to Najah and Nandor that our neighbor wasn't
23:30a shapeshifter. I told you what it is. It's her space. She's renting it out. Remember I went to an
23:34Airbnb on vacation? What has it got to do with the air? We made a deal with her. We wouldn't report
23:41Nancy's illegal Airbnb if she would let us stay for a free weekend once a month. I mean, look at this sign.
23:46It says, bye Felicia and take Karen with you. I'm going to start saying that.
23:54Come in.
23:55I just want to drop off some fresh baked cookies to say thank you for your discretion.
24:02Couldn't possibly.
24:02Thank you, Nancy.
24:04Anything you need, let me know, okay?
24:05Bye Felicia and take Karen with you.
24:08Ow! You guys are so crazy. I have the best night.
24:11Amazing.
24:11She's really nice.
24:14Banana creams, anyone?
24:16Oh, yes, yes. Why not?
24:18Help me turn the tiles.
24:21So sorry.
24:21Oh, I don't check.
24:23Oh, where's Mr. Cravensworth? I got him this popular self that looks like him.
24:30I know it's kind of stupid, but I thought maybe...
24:32Sit down, Colin.
24:33Okay.
24:36My father has gone on a very long trip.
24:40He has gone on a ghost mission.
24:43That's... that's weird.
24:45He wanted to say goodbye to you in person, but he was too afraid he might miss his ghost train.
24:51Well, that's... that's okay.
24:57He also told me that he cared for you very much. So much so that he wanted you to have this.
25:05What is it?
25:06No idea, but he said you must keep that somewhere safe. Somewhere locked up where no one can get to it.
25:12Oh, why?
25:14Because he's going to need it someday when he comes back.
25:18Hey, you really have an amazing father, you know.
25:21I do, Colin. I really do.
25:29There's just some shit that I need to sort out over here.
25:32Take a dump.
25:33Oh!
25:48I was born to haunt you
26:01Like a shadow from above
26:08I was born to haunt you
26:11I was born to haunt you
26:15Terrorize, terrorize you through and through
26:23Well, I was born to haunt you
26:31And you were born to haunt me too
26:42And you were born to haunt me too
26:44Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
26:47So I started to enjoy my boyfriend
26:51hm
26:53Or if you did
26:54Hit you
26:55Or if youinstead
26:56Like a ghost
26:56I was born to haunt me too
26:57I was born to haunt me too
26:58I was born to haunt me too
26:58And it was a teen
26:59You
26:59It was a night
26:59For me
27:00I was born to haunt me too
27:09You
27:10That 가까 проход
27:11I was born to haunt me too
27:11I offended you
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